Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 7. Sit Down

Episode Date: March 13, 2017

Hey babies! It's the 7th episode! In today's discussion, Chris talks about pet peeves. Also discussed: Samuel L. Jackson, Chris's dogs: Sam & Butters, the rapper Stitches, people standing up too soon to board a plane, kangaroos, and how quickly Chris would turn to sodomy if he was jailed for life. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply hey what's up guys how we doing my babies it's uh chris delia here and this is episode seven ever recorded seventh episode of congratulations, the podcast. Um, and that, and,

and so, and so you guys are, you know what? We're all doing it together. That's the thing. We are all doing it together. This is the first episode, first ever seventh episode.

And I'm, I'm amazed we made it this far. I'm really happy that, uh, you guys are with me and you came with me on this journey. And, you know, because that's what life's about, the journey, right? You hear people say that all the time and you know that that's true because they say it. What's that? Nothing sounds better than opening up a coffee like that. It's not soda.

Sounds like it might be soda. But it's not soda. it's not soda it's coffee it's the caveman nitro coffee i was just talking to my producer about how i think it's the best uh coffee there is and i'm not being paid to say that i just like i like the coffee and i like tate who made it um i got in an argument with my dad and my brother last night. And here's the deal, man. It was a lot of times in my family, we get in these silly arguments. They're not shitty. We're making fun of each other, but we're yelling at each other.

We're like, fuck you. That's not how it is, you fucking asshole. And we're laughing. And then we fucking slam one of, I slam my dad, my dad slams me. My brother slams me. I slam my brother, somebody slams my mom. And my mom says, how come everybody always makes fun of me, even though that's not true, but that's what my mom says. Because that's what mom said, because females are sensitive sometimes.

Okay? That's it. Hey guys, didn't say men aren't sensitive, just said females are sensitive sometimes. So don't write me about that. Okay? It's not sexist. It's like, it's like saying, it's like saying, even though, even though like this sounds racist, it's not racist. Like, man, some Koreans are fucking dumb, right? It's not racist, even though it is kind of, it's not, you know, by the way, that's not my thing,

but some white people are dumb too. Some black people are dumb. Lots of people are dumb. But if you say, hey, some Koreans are dumb, it sounds fucking super racist. I was saying we were talking about biggest pet peeves, and my brother said something that really mattered, like, oh, yeah, when people lie or something. I don't remember what the fuck it was, what he said. But I said, oh, I know mine. 100% I know my biggest pet peeve of all time. Okay?

Well, not of all time, but of now, of the moment. You know, pet peeves change, right? My biggest pet peeve used to be when you're driving, and you're driving down the and somebody's coming down the other way and you're trying to go left and you've got your blinker on and the person's coming up and you see him coming up, but you're going to let him pass so you can wait for him to pass and then take a left. But he doesn't pass. He takes his right, which is the left you were going to go into and didn't use his blinker. So you were just waiting there for a fucking asshole when you could have went before him. You're going to have to play that part back. It makes sense. I said it right, but I know you're confused, but this is the, this is this, I, this drives me nuts though,

is when somebody goes to hand you something and you have something in your hand, like your phone, usually it's your phone and you're texting or whatever. And someone goes, here you go. And you've got to then take what the person is handing to you, stop what you're doing and then fucking figure it out. I put it down and I'll grab it when I want it. And my dad says, what do you fucking mean? Where was that? When does that even happen? How does it happen so much that it's one of your pet peeves?

And I said, it happens fucking all the time when you're paying for something. You've got your phone in your hand or your coffee in your hand you're buying. And then somebody gives you, you give them the credit card and they hand it back to you with the signing thing and they're like, here you go, just sign that and you get your phone and your coffee

and I always look at them and I say, oh, okay, and I put my shit on the fucking counter and then I grab the fucking signing thing and then I do it

and I give it back to them and then I got to fucking grab up my shit again. If you put the fucking receipt on the table i can grab it when the fuck i want to grab it dude that's actually rude as shit handing somebody something i think it's rude as fuck it's so rude handing something and my dad said it's not rude and my my uncle was like, no, it's probably a, they do that because that prevents theft. Or if somebody comes up, they should hand you your credit card. Because then someone could rub it.

Look, dude, if somebody puts their fucking credit card down in front of you, and then someone else steals it from you, and it's in front of you on the table, you slow as shit. You slow. You tortoise. You deserve to have your credit card taken from you if you tortoise. Because tortoises shouldn't have credit cards because tortoises don't pay for shit. Okay?

So you tortoise. Basically, if someone puts something in front of you on the table, and that's yours, and you want to go grab it, but before you grab it, someone grabbed it before you, that's a hyena, you tortoise. And now you're in the animal kingdom. You got a bunch of other things to worry about. You got a hard shell. Nobody's going to eat you. But you still got to watch out because, you know, certain bears and shit could crack your shell and then eat you because you tortoise dude so put something down on the fucking table and don't hand me something i watched iron man the movie iron man and uh uh you know robert downey jr is is in it

and he does the thing he says don't hand me things i don't like when people hand it to me, put it down. And I was like, dude, that's it. How come fucking Tony Stark knows that shit? But the barista at the fucking Primo Cafe doesn't know it. Because he thinks I'm tortoise. I'm not tortoise. And that's my biggest pet peeve at the moment. It really drives me nuts. It drives me nuts.

It drives me nuts. It drives me nuts. It drives me nuts. it drives me nuts, it drives me nuts, it drives me nuts, it drives me nuts, so, you know, but there's lots of, you know, pet peeves and, and, and shit, it's, you know, it's too, it's too annoying to always talk about pet peeves and shit, we had a big conversation about it, it was a good dinner, but also, like, I don't know, also, you got to just relax and just let shit happen and not get angry. I told you I've been trying to deal with that shit and not be angry.

I've been trying to fucking deal with the positive things in life and just understand why, you know, just not even try to understand why the shit goes down. And to just like let it happen and be more zen or whatever the fuck about it. My buddy got me a book on zen and he was like, hey, I god i still have the book it was 15 years ago it's it's right there i'm looking at it actually and he said hey man i was 21 or wait i was probably 21 22 he said i'm gonna put this book on your bookshelf and i know you're not gonna read it but one day maybe you will read it and when you read it it's gonna change your life read it. And when you read it, it's going to change your life. And just know that when you read it, it's going to change your life. And he was my best friend at the time.

And he still is. Okay? No offense. My producer is one of my best friends too. And he's also. They're tied. But I didn't read it yet. And maybe I will read it.

And the only reason why I kept it is because he's my best friend. If he was someone else, I would have fucking taken the book and used it to wipe my ass when I took shits. But I respect what he says. So I've been trying to think of the positive things. Like, that's what you should do, by the way. If something happens and it's a pet peeve and it bothers you, then what you should do is think of a fucking. Like, here's the thing that I keep checking because he's got a fucking i want to know this is one of the things that i think about so much and it's a positive thing but fucking samuel l jackson

follows me on twitter okay that's so fucking weird to me he follows like 800 people which is not that many i mean it's a lot of people if you put them all in a room but you know over the years of twitter you follow people that's amazing i love sam jackson i have i have no fucking idea why he would follow me on twitter dude he followed me and i like sat down it was like fucking month uh years ago Follow me on Twitter, dude. He followed me and I sat down. It was like fucking years ago. And I keep checking and I checked yesterday. I was like, I wonder if fucking Sam Jackson still follows me on Twitter.

And he does. Of all the dumb shit I tweet, sometimes I put people on their ass. I'm just like, fuck you, you piece of shit. To think of Sam Jackson looking at that and being like motherfucker it i feel like it was a mistake and he just bumped the follow button because somebody retweeted me or some shit maybe fucking uh taylor kitch or something retweeted me by mistake and because he was in a movie with him fucking sam jackson was just like if i hit the follow button and now he follows me and he has to see all my dumb fuck shit like talking shit to kim kardashian and he's like who's this motherfucker i don't know but that's so weird to think that. Fucking Samuel L. Jackson, dude.

They make movies and then they go like, okay, but how do we get Sam Jackson in it, though? Like, what was the one, Tarzan? Tarzan was the same movie if Sam Jackson wasn't in it. They'll just be like, yeah, but Sam Jackson put Sam Jackson in it. They have like a meeting with the fucking production, with the companies, with these big fucking like huge

movie production companies. And they'll be like, great, great. Got one note. Sam Jackson. And they're like, oh, um, what do you mean? They're like, well, we got to get Sam Jackson in. So just write a part for him. And they're like, well, it doesn't really, we don't give a fuck. We got to put him in.

We got to pay him $20 million. Because if we do that, then the movie will be a hit. Because everybody watches Sam Jackson movies. Hi, Sam Jackson is worth fucking $75 billion. Dude, nobody would not go see a movie that Sam Jackson was in. He's the most watchable fucking dopest dude. Also, he's been 55 for 75 years. How's that happen?

Swear to God, look at him in fucking Pulp Fiction. Same age. Same age as now? Does he own a time machine? Oh, I get it. Sam Jackson owns a time machine and just keeps going back and getting himself and bringing him back to the future. Can you hear that? Can you hear my dogs in the background?

I wonder. They're barking in the background. I want to know, actually. People ask me to talk about my dogs on my podcast. I do like to keep my personal life out of this shit. But know what fuck it dude i have two dogs and they're cute as shit and they're yorkies and their names are sam and butters and people want to know why i named one regular name and one acute name because i wanted to because that's how i wanted to do it i wanted to do a cute one and i thought was even cuter if the cute one was a cute name and then the fucking regular one.

The other one was a regular human name. Sam and Butters. And Butters is the fucking fat one. Of course, dude. I feel like he willed himself to do that because his name was Butters. That's like how Tupac kept rapping about death and then got shot. That's what happened. I named Butters Butters and then he was like, all right, gonna be fat.

Gotta be a fatso. My name's Butters. Dude, he's been limping. It's so sad. He's been limping. It's so fucking sad when your dog like starts to limp.

He just runs around and fucking, he's holding one foot up like there's like, oh, it's sad. But maybe I'm a sociopath because like,

I don't really care. Like, I'm like, it'll be fine. But maybe I'm a sociopath because I don't really care. I'm like, it'll be fine. But then it's been like a day and a half. Should I take him in? I'm not going to take him in. I got tough love for my dogs, dude. Plus, he's fat as shit, dude. Lose weight.

I put the fucking waters in hard to get places so he at least has to go get it. And fucking shed some fat. He turns around and he literally looks pregnant. It's only his belly too. He's like a fucking old man. Where like osteoporosis just set in. And he turns around so slow. It's so funny.

He turns around so slow like it's insecure. Like he turns around so slow and he like side looks at me like yeah you're gonna pet me if you want to pet me it's fine like just fucking man up dude because Sam will just run up on my chest and put his face in my mouth and my Yorkies breaths

are fucking terrible by the way oh dude you've been eating eggs and your own shit for four days oh cool oh hey dogs you've been eating eggs and your own shit all day and bad old lettuce and tuna oh i i don't know dude i don't know why i don't know what the fuck, I used to think about how dogs, like, when dogs see, like, a plant or something and it's blown in the wind, they'll be like, oh, shit, a plant. But they don't think, oh, shit, a plant.

That's fucked. That's crazy. They don't think in English, dude. When you realize that, I sound so high. But when you realize that, you look at the plant. It's like a dog just looks at the plant, and it's not even thinking anything. It's just going, oh. It's just going. It's just like, it's just looks at the plant, and it's not even thinking anything. It's just going, oh. It's just going.

It's just looking at it, dude. Right? That's crazy. so i've been in la now for about a week and a half because i wasn't on the road this past week i did some shows at the comedy store i did some shows at the laugh factory um and they were really fucking fun and uh i've been hanging out chilling you know i do i coffee. I've been hanging out at the cafes and shit all up and down Sunset Boulevard. And I don't know if it's summer or what the fuck is going on. I swear in LA, and I don't know. I know every place has plastic surgery.

But dude, the amount of women I see with fucking fake lips is unbelievable. It's unbelievable. They all look like Simpsons. Dude, fake lips don't look good. They don't look good. And you know, all right, yeah, you can do what you want and you can fucking, you're not doing it to get a man. I get it. But it looks awful. And okay, yeah, maybe nine out of ten. Maybe occasionally there's one that looks fine. But dude, what, I cannot believe how many, come to LA, dude. And just sit down and look at the people that walk by.

You got homeless women with fake lips. By the way, also, I've been seeing a lot of homeless dudes with cell phones. What's the deal, man? But what the fuck is the fake lip thing, man? It looks like you put fucking paper mache in the under your mouth. And then you walk...

It looks like someone literally fought you and then you go walk around with your purse. It's so bad. Dude, just don't get work done. i feel like don't get any work done for me my opinion is the only work that i think that like looks okay are fake boobs and the reason why is because usually they're in the shirt and you can't tell if they're fake or not

but if you're gonna do something to your face that's insane do you see that guy stitches got his fucking son tattooed on his cheek his baby boy tattooed on his cheek he's a rapper and guess what that's all he's ever going to be now you can't get a tattoo on your face first all, he's got stitches tattooed on his mouth. That's very stupid. You know why that's stupid? Because, just because, how about? Dude, you know how people are like, well, it's an opinion. Yeah, but not that one.

You get stitches tattooed on your mouth. That's dumb, and that's a fact. And you have your son also? That's like saying, I'm going to shut the fuck up while you look at my son's face on my face. Dude, hey, how about rappers are always like, yeah, I'm getting pussy. Yeah, fucking your bitch. This guy is not doing that. Who wants to fuck a guy with a baby on his face?

What? Hey, what's the most dry the pussy thing up? Fucking and then looking in a baby's eyes. Dude. That's gross. that's so gross i'd rather have sex and then smell dog shit the whole time dude what the fuck talk about taking you out of it it's on his cheek. It's under his eyes. So even if you're trying to make eye contact with him, you're looking at his fucking...

You're looking at his son. Also, it's not your son. Also, it's not your son. Also, dude, is this real? I'm looking at a picture of this guy. He's got a teddy bear tattooed on his forehead which offsets the stitches i guess and the ak-47 on his jawline and then tupac next to the teddy bear.

Holy fucking Christ. Then more stitches above his other eye, and then above his right eye, he's got the word cocaine above his fucking... Hey, dude, I got a question, and this is just only because I'm not sure about the answer. I'm not sure about the answer of this question.

Can't be 100% sure about this, but did this guy have an awful childhood? Yo, did this guy's parents treat him well? Okay, this guy. He's's also i also heard a song and it fucking goes hard as shit like one of his i heard one of his songs and i was like dude this is fucking it's actually for what it is like i know it's like a lot of people like that's stupid it sounds dumb because it's just about it's's not about elevated themes exactly, but dude, it fucking goes hard. It's good.

God, commit. You know those, there's an Equinox fucking, the gym, the tagline is, or the slogan is commit to something. Hey, this guy fucking is the Equinox hero. Let me get all the tattoos. He walked in the tattoo place and he was, he goes like this. They were just, oh, hi, sir. And he goes like this.

All of them. And he was like, oh, well, we only have fucking these left. Teddy bear, Tupac, stitches, AK-47 and the word cocaine. All of them. Also, can you customize my cheek? I have a picture of my son. Dude. Also, what if he has another son

and then doesn't get the fucking other son on the other cheek? What if he has three? What if he has five kids? Which he will because he's a rapper. What if he has five kids and then he has to get all of his kids all over his faces

and they're all over his faces and then also Tupac and a teddy bear? Dude. holy fuck. Stitches. That's incredible, man. But wait, no. So, yeah, duck lips. What the fuck dude don't get fucking fake lips unless you're also going to get your fingers

sewn together because you're a duck it looks bad girls guys i want to know if a guy ever did it write me if you ever knew about a guy who fucking uh got fake lips wow all right there's gotta be right yeah well i mean definitely no doubt are you kidding me a hundred percent you know how i know that because a guy got cocaine tattooed on his fucking eyeball so a guy definitely got fake lips so so that's pretty cool man oh so they're just doing everything i feel like if there's a god he's just like all right well that one really got away with i really got away from me yeah i gave people free will but oh oh a teddy bear oh all right well All right. Well, okay. Let's, you know, let's make some fucking, let's make a tsunami now.

Since we're on pet peeves, you know what another one is? Fucking, because I fly a lot. If you are... If you're on a flight... Hey, I'm going to say this. This is my PSA. Hey, I'm Chris D'Elia. If you're on a flight and it's before you board, sit the fuck down. Thanks.

down thanks dude if you're on a flight and it's before it boards sit the fuck down also it's always people who are in group six that are just standing in front of the fucking one-lined like little fucking bottleneck that you can't get in and they're like senior citizens and people with no legs first please senior citizens and people who can't breathe first please is there anyone that's too traveling alone crawl to the front please and then some fucking fat fucking in in in in group six with a tank top on and his fucking family is like standing in the way and some 90 fucking 100 year old man is like excuse me it takes me an hour to get on board and the fucking guy's like oh are you are you first class and he's like no i just die tomorrow so i get to go first i'm gonna die tomorrow so can i get on the plane first they asked me to jesus christ could be like okay so we're boarding only people who are going to die tomorrow. And any one-year-olds traveling alone.

And a fucking boarding six-group family, a fat fuck family with lawn chairs out in the fucking. You need me to move? Did you need me to move? And the fucking one-year-old yeah i'm traveling alone and i got to shit on the plane right now i got to shit right now all right family move four inches move the lawn chairs four inches so a baby can get on and a guy who dies tomorrow and someone who can do an army crawl because they have no legs we'll move and and we don't board for another hour and 10 minutes by the way but i want to i want to make sure to get

on the plane though you're gonna get on the fucking plane you're gonna get on the fucking plane we're all going to the same place what are you worried about because here's what i think you're worried about. Not getting to put your bag up on the bin. But guess what? You can check it, you fuck face. You can check it, you fuck face. So let the fucking four-day-old get on the plane first with his little knapsack.

God damn, dude. little knapsack god damn dude i walked up once and a guy was in the way i said excuse me and he said are you in the boarding group that's boarding and i said yeah that's it what do you mean no i'm being a piece of shit that's what i should have said. Nah. Piece of shit. Just going to stand here and block it. Hey, sir, are you a defensive end? No? Well, stop blocking this fucking thing then. That shit. That shit.

I don't you know flying is just like annoying as shit anyway so like just chill man we're all gonna get in the plane I don't know I felt like this podcast would maybe help me come up with

new material and shit. I need new material. I just shot my special and I got to get out. I go on stage and I'm just doing crowd work. I'm fucking with the audience, hoping something comes up. And I forget it all. I don't know. Some of it is...

That's usually how I write is just to go on stage and... And go up with an idea. You know, like I'll go up with an idea about some fucking boarding groups on an airplane, and then I'll fucking be like, oh, this part's funny. There's a funny part here. Like I'll get to the – and then I'll do it, and then I'll fuck around until I know the funny part. Like I'll fuck around. Like I'll do – I'll just kind of wing it until i know the funny part like i'll fuck around like i'll do

i'll just kind of wing it until i know the part that'll make people laugh and then i'll just do the if it's failing i'll just do the part that'll make people laugh and then i'll get the laugh and then i'll move on to some other shit but i literally i have like nothing i like a like like four minutes of material now um and i gotta do all these like like i'm still touring with my hour when i'm on the road because it didn't come out yet but when it comes out in may or june or whatever on netflix i gotta do new shit because i don't want people seeing you know the same shit um but uh so i gotta do that i'm going to fucking i got a bunch of dates coming up though i'm i can't wait to go to australia i'm going to be in melbourne melbourne and sydney and i'm adding a show in sydney i think

i already did i'm not sure but um yeah and i'm going to be going and just fucking going alone and going and going to see what's up with all the fucking people and the kangaroos out there and shit. How annoyed must Australians be about that, by the way? Like Americans and shit being like, asking about kangaroos. Like how fucking annoying would that be? By the way, is there anything scarier than a kangaroo? Oh, it jumps on its tail and kicks you with both feet? Oh, it's a demon then.

You know what I mean? Like that's scarier than a bear, dude. Oh, that's scarier than a crocodile. Fuck, fuck off, dude. Oh, it can balance on its tail and float over to you and kick you with both feet and kill you that way. Oh, fuck off, dude. dude oh it's a demon then oh you're talking about a demon like if we came down to earth and we were aliens and they were like uh yeah did this uh this we were like what's a kangaroo and they were like ah it's just this uh It's this animal that can plant itself on a long, fucking tough, muscular, serpent-like snake tail.

And it can hover from it and balance on it and then kick you in the fucking skull with its enormous ski feet and kill you, you would be like, oh, you said animal, but you mean demon. I'm talking about animals. Dude, that's fucking, fucking, that is crazy. If I saw a kangaroo, if I ever see a kangaroo, I'm going the other way. Don't give a shit. I don't, guess what? I don't give aaroo if i ever see a kangaroo i'm going the other way don't give a shit if i don't guess what i don't give a shit if it's near a bunch of uh candy or whatever the fuck i love coffee if it's near coffee what's it near coffees and audiences not going

a kangaroo can balance on its tail, dude. I mean, what is it, a fucking genie? Dude, it can balance on its tail. That's amazing. And they can fucking, and they can fucking, oh, they can box? Oh, so it's a person too. Oh, it's a demon and a person

because it can box. Oh, it's a demon and a person because it can box oh it's a demon floyd floyd mayweather oh let's get them off earth then why are kangaroos on earth they should be on their own fucking planet called you know whatever the fuck kangtoon t-u-n-e like neptune so dumb but still uh they're demon motherfuckers dude so i'm going to australia and i can't wait to go and i'm looking at my ticket counts right now shit is selling out so if you're going to fucking Raleigh, North Carolina, that's going to be gone. Oxnard, California. Tempe, West Palm Beach.

Atlantic City. Yeah, I don't know, dude. I secretly, though, I get worried, though, when I go to other countries. I think that's maybe why I haven't hit them yet. I mean, I've been to other countries but not performing. I just, I feel like, because, like, they have different rules and shit, you know? Like, you can't kill anybody anywhere i know that i won't do that but like you know i mean i'm a good person really i don't fucking break any laws really but

you know some of these places you'll fucking you can steal a pack of gum and they'll cut off your hand you know and not not australia obviously but i just i i always am thinking about that though in the back of my head where it's like uh man i'm in another country and shit could go down or i don't even know the areas and what if like you know yeah oh don't go to that area because you know guys have scooters and they just drive by and pick you up and then fuck the shit out again then drop you off and you're like oh what what oh that we don't have that in america like yeah but that's what we have over have that in America, like, yeah, but that's what we have over here, guys will just drive by and pick you, scoop you up, take

you to their shack, and then fuck you, and then they'll get a kangaroo to box you, a little demon, demon animal, and he'll just be balanced on his tail, and kick you, while the other guy fucks your ass, that's what happens. So be careful, you know. Don't go near that area. And then you're like, where's the area? And they're like, it's between the rocks and the beach. And you're like, yeah, but that doesn't mean anything to me. And they're like, see you later, cheerio.

That's not Australian, but see you later. And then he drives away and you're like, I hope my ass doesn't get fucked by a guy on a scooter. But like you can get it. You can go to jail easy, way easier if you're not in fucking America. You don't know what the fuck's going on. If you're American,

dude, if I got, if I was in jail, bro, I was watching one of those lockup things or whatever the fuck. I bet part of it is easier because you could just literally, people just tell you what to do and you're like all right i'll just fucking coast throughout the rest of my life don't have

to make any decisions people tell me to fucking stay in this box obviously it's horrible i don't want to go to jail but in that sense it's got to be easier you go oh it's lunch i gotta eat now if i don't eat now i'll be hungry and then you go to bed at like 6 p. I got to eat now. If I don't eat now, I'll be hungry. And then you go to bed at like 6 p.m. It's dark out. Fuck it. They want me to go to bed. I'll go to bed. And then you wake up at 4.30 a.m. By the way, if I go to jail, I was thinking about this the other day too. If I go to jail, you know how they're like, guys will fuck other guys because they're not even gay. They're just like, it's a power thing, number one. And then also, they're like, I got to fucking, I got to fuck. Am I going to not fuck the rest of my life? If I go to, I was thinking, how long would it take me to start fucking guys?

Because there's no way I wouldn't. There's no fucking way. There's no way. If I was in jail for the rest of my life, everybody's getting fucked. I'll die trying. It's like fucking the 50 Cent song, except it's not get rich or die trying. It's get butthole and die trying. Get butthole or die trying. Kill me, bro. You're getting your ass fucked. That's it. That's it. And you know how long? You know how long? You know how long? People probably crack like after years.

All right, I guess I'm going to fuck this guy, dude. At least he's cute. I'm not gay, but at least like he's cute or something. I'll think about women. You know how long it would take me? Eight days, bro. Fuck this year crack shit. Over maybe a week.

And if I know I'm in there for for life everybody's getting fucked the second week that's how it's gonna be and i don't i'm dude fuck it i'll write blogs about i'm not trying to hide i don't give a shit dude i'm fucking you know whatever i people be scared of me i think because i'm just they'll call me the fucker Whatever. People would be scared of me, I think, because they'll call me the fucker. Yeah. How long did it take him?

Fucking eight days. He started fucking everybody. He didn't even start slow. He was like, he walked into the commissary and tried to fuck this guy immediately. But the guy beat the shit out of him. And then he was in the hole for a while. And then the guard let him out. He tried to fuck the guard. And he just won't stop fucking.

He won't stop fucking. No matter what he does, he won't stop fucking. He doesn't even get boners sometimes. He just tries to stuff his dick in the fucking buttholes. Shit. Really? Yeah. Fuck. When'd he start doing that? Eight days after he got in. What? Yep. He's in here for life. It wouldn't even be, how long is he in here for? Ah, fucking two years. He got on some internet shit. He tried to rob fucking $60 from someone's bank account by logging into their Wells Fargo. Oh, really?

And he got a year? Yeah. And he fucked a bunch of guys? Eight days in. He's not going out a year without that shit. He fucked three guys a day. That's how he passes the time. He fucked a guard.

He fucked a guard. fucked a guard the other guards tried to stop him but he had too tight of a grip bro i guess this is awful to talk about but like you know fucking jail's awful also it's a comedy podcast you know and then i'd get out of prison and that's the fucking book that would come out. It would be called Everybody's Getting Fucked, and on the inside flap, it would be a really nice black and white picture of me sitting in a wicker chair, like with glasses on.

You'd be like, I didn't even know he wore glasses. I'm like, oh, his vision maybe got bad in prison. Chapter one, everybody, and then it starts, eight days in, I had enough rick was about to get fucked that's the first sentence and you read that and you buy the book because that's the most amazing start of to any book everybody's getting fucked chapter one everybody uh beginning of the Chapter one, everybody. Beginning of the chapter, I've had enough.

It's been eight days. Rick was looking good. And by the way, I'm fucking the big guys. I'm not going after that easy shit. Ment shit mentally i feel like it would fucking serve me better i mean what the fuck you know i don't know well i guess i'm never running for president um that's what i always think about when i'm talking about when i do this kind of shit i guess i'm never running for president dude by the way you know how people are like uh that actually times are changing though because i always feel like you you already did the thing that you that would

bury you politically like just whoever you are we've already done the thing that would bury us politically think about yourself and think about the shit that you've done you've done the thing that would bury you politically but that all changed with donald trump he was talking about grabbing pussies on a bus with billy bush dude nobody's done anything worse than that talking about grabbing pussies on a bus with billy bush oh that's the worst thing you could kill five people and still go and still become president before you could talk about grabbing pussies in a bus with Billy Bush? Even Jesus Christ is like, oh, hell for that guy.

I mean, that's like, come on. And he's president. I'm not saying where I go politically, but that's crazy that he became president and that didn't bury him. So now we can do whatever we want but before trump dude we already did the thing that buried us politically no doubt and mine was just talking about how everyone was getting fucked in prison after eight days i was in there for a misdemeanor oh shit that's what i would do and i would fuck the guy and i would fuck the guy.

And I would be thinking, it's really too bad for this guy. I stole $60 out of a Wells Fargo account from some dude who works at Ikea. I don't know, man. Maybe I would just find the guys who are down. Workout. I would workout. I mean mean i guess i would worry if i was in jail i would work out so hard

as hard as possible i guess i'd read so many books and fuck guys all the time those would be my three hobbies and i keep i wouldn't keep to myself dude i would try to be the i would try to be the leader of everybody by like busting balls and shit and i'll be like yeah but don't bust his balls too hard he'll fuck you and then some of the gay guys would be like so what you know um yeah i would try to do i would try to be a leader. I was talking about who a leader is. Oh, I was driving with my buddy, and he was like, he was telling me how he thought I was an alpha male or whatever, which is like, okay, you know, fine.

But he was telling me that because I feel like he wanted me to, he wanted me to tell him that he was an alpha male. And I don't think he is. And I, and he, first of all, he was in my passenger seat, you know? And he was like, uh, you know, I, I'm an alpha male though. And I was like, oh really? And he was like, of course. though. And I was like, oh, really? And he was like, of course. And I was like, first of all, alpha males don't tell people that they're alpha males because just you're going to figure it out on your own. But I was like, oh, really? I guess I don't know. And he's like, well, I usually come

and hang out with you and your friends. But if you saw me like in my element, you would understand that i'm the alpha male and i'm like yeah all right dude like what do you mean what's your element and he was like well if we were in the jungle you would be like asking me what to do and there's no way in hell I would be doing that. But I was just like, oh, really? Cool, man. He was like, yeah, yeah. And he was trying to convince me he was an alpha male. And I was like, I don't know if you are an alpha male, though. And he was like, what?

What makes you say that? And I was like, take, you know, I thought of Joe Rogan because Joe Rogan is, Joe Rogan is just the most undoubtedly alpha male that I know. And I was like, just take him, plug him into any situation,

any situation, put him with construction workers, put him with lawyers, put him with comedians, put him with fucking smart people, put him with dumb people, put him with a bunch of fucking koalas.

All those koalas would be like, well, what do we do now, Joe? That's just an alpha male. And I was like, you're not that. You plop you in a room full of fucking lawyers? You're the weirdo, dude. You're the weirdo. You put fucking, you know, I don't know what, I don't know, I guess there's degrees. Because like my opener is, I think, a version of an alpha male, but he's not, he works for me. So it's like hard to say he's not the alpha male when we're around, right?

But then you get guys who are like really fucking successful at what they do. but then you get guys who are like really fucking successful at what they do like you know i don't know in my profession it's fucking chris rock dave chappelle and fucking um you know uh uh louis ck and you know in my head those guys are all alpha males but i don't know if they are i don't you know some of those guys i know personally but some of of them I don't. So I don't know, you know, because also you can be a comedian and be real beta, but still be a fucking draw, you know, because it's beta to be a pussy. And that's also funny. You know, you're up there and you're like, I can't get a girl. And people are like, yeah, that's hilarious. Right.

But I don't know, dude. He was trying to convince me he was an alpha male. And, you know, if you have to convince somebody you're an alpha male, you are a beta male. You're a fucking omega male or whatever the fuck is the last one. Zeta male. Catherine Zeta-Jones male um yeah and it was a

hilarious part was that he was in my passenger seat telling me this while we were driving oh cool oh really you're an alpha male well we're gonna go where the fuck i'm telling us or i guess i don't know it's pretty alpha to be driven around maybe maybe that's how he was thinking but this guy also says shit like what gene should i get hi you're not an alpha male or I guess, I don't know, it's pretty alpha to be driven around. Maybe that's how he was thinking. But this guy also says shit like, what jeans should I get? Hi, you're not an alpha male. What jeans should you get?

The ones you like, guy. But what ones are cool? Oh, sad. Where do you shop, sad? What are you going to get to drink, sad? Where do you want to shop, sad? What are you going to get to drink, sad? Where do you want to sit, sad? What should I say to this girl, sad? Should I text her, sad?

Should I wait another, sad? Going on vacation with my mom... Sad. For 10 days though and she's my best... Sad. Sad. These are all things that he said. You know? I don't know, man.

Love the guy. Love him. Bust his balls forever. And one time he called me bothersome and i fucking almost pissed myself laughing to call another male bother bothersome oh fuck i almost pissed myself laughing and he runs with it now it's i want to punch him in the face because of it now he's like well because you know you're bothersome like i said at that one time want to punch him it was hilarious that made me laugh so he's like, well, because you know you're bothersome. Like I said at that one time, want to punch him. It was hilarious.

That made me laugh so hard. We were at the diner and he called me bothersome and I fucking fell out. I had to sit, I had to fucking sit down and I was already sitting down. It was awesome. Sometimes I go to that, this diner in LA and it's got so many hipsters, man, but I love the food and it's got some vegan shit. So hipsters go so many hats, hats, central dude, beards and hats central. They got cows on the wall swingers. It's called, it's really good, but boy, do I want to knock the fuck out everybody else that goes in there? Um, that's it. All right. Well, we're winding down dude it's been 47 minutes i don't know how long

you want to fucking take me subscribe to my oh here's what i wanted to say go to my newsletter you could subscribe to my shit on uh i'm chris d'alia.com dude and it's easy to unsubscribe too dude i was i'm i was a member of 24 hour fitness in uh in hollywood in like the arc light when i lived over there dude i they were siph siphoning money from my account after i fucking ended the thing it took me four months dude they stole money from me for four fucking months i had to call them every month hey man i'm still getting the bill oh well you have to come in and and and you we don't take uh uh uh sign uh we don't take cancellations over the phone oh well it's sure you sure as shit took it when i fucking signed up you fucking demon dude and then I had to call corporate? No, I'm calling you, bro.

I signed up with you. Sign me out and stop stealing my fucking money, dude. So annoying. That's my money that I work for, and you're taking it monthly. Why is it so hard to unsubscribe from shit? People are fucking thieves. Oh, thanks for doing the one click sign up. If you want to sign out, here's what you got to do. First of all, wish. You have to wish for three hours. Then at the end of that, call us. We'll give you another number to call.

You call them and they'll give you an email to email the email come back they'll give you a number and then you call that number and speak to someone in north korea who only speaks korean but we'll get you a translator's address that you have to go to and you got to get him on the phone with you on speaker so he can tell you what the Korean guy's saying. And then you've got to do it all on one leg while he's trying to fucking gouge your eyeballs out. And it might work. Go fuck yourself. Dude, let me, hey, you know what it should take? Hey, I don't want to be a member anymore. Okay, bye. But it's not. You're trying to steal fucking money. Because,

you piece of shit. That's why. Did you know why? Because, you piece of shit. Yeah, dude. Let's take some questions from the congratulations pod hashtag here's one didn't know what it meant from calvin alfaro at calvin alfaro very good name good job on getting your name chris my legal name is saddam whoops take Take it back. Why'd you make it Calvin Alfaro? Bye. Next question.

Not doing it. Don't have fucking three names, dude. You're just one guy. That's what that shit with fucking Chief Keef drives me nuts. You don't really get to choose your name. The people who fucking you came out of their balls and pussy choose your name. That's it. If you don't like the name Tom, your name is you gotta fucking live tom till you die from brett dahlberg

at brett drums okay maybe he likes the drums that's fine thinking about adding a 69 or 420 to my twitter handle so chris talia can tell me to change it that's good yeah i would fuck you i would boy would i boy would i you cute you're trying to be cute with your fucking handle bye what's your take on young this is from young jazzy j j s j a s e jays young jace young jace i guess what's your take on Young Thug's album, Jeffrey, and his track list? Let me read the track list. First of all, this guy's dressed in a dress, Young Thug. Wow. Raps changed. First song called Why Clef Jean. All right. Well, so far, this is the most confusing goddamn thing of all time. This guy's name is Young Thug. His album's name is

Jeffrey, and his first track is named wyclef jean that's a different person his second track oh all right well oh i see where this is going his second track is named floyd mayweather his third one is swiss beats so the first three tracks are three different guys that exist then it's future swag which i don't know if that's a person or not. Then it's Riri, who's Rihanna, which is another person. Then it's Guap, which means money. Then it's Harambe, which is the fucking ape that got killed. Then it's Weeby, another person. Then it's Kanye West, another person.

And then the last bonus track is Pick Up the Phone. And that's probably a bonus track because he couldn't think of a name to call it. And it's just Pick Up the Phone. He's like's like yo but i like this pick up the phone song and then some other dude was like well why don't you just have it a bonus track and he was like yeah good idea god damn what are these songs about i you know what these songs are probably all about fucking bitches and making money hey let's call it fucking floyd waymother he does that too let's call it white clev john he maybe does that too tanya west harambe doesn't do that and whatever i said floyd waymother or something mayweather i meant like i'm fucking

foghorn leghorn i'll say i'll say a floyd a floyd mayweather a a way of floor may floor way way mother I don't know but my postmates is almost here so I'm gonna go um uh but you guys fucking we did it man 53 minutes we're getting up there dude listen it really helps if you rate and review us. It really helps if you tell your friends. It really helps if you share it, you check us out on YouTube, you check the website, congratulationspod.com, right?

Is that what it is? Yeah. And it helps if you share it on Instagram and Twitter and you write me with the congratulations pod hashtag thank you

for listening I got some dates coming up you know where they are I just fucking said them but I'll go through them quick Raleigh Greensboro North Carolina Raleigh Greensboro North Carolina Virginia Beach I sold out Oxnard California Melbourne

Sydney that's in out. Oxnard, California. Melbourne. Sydney. That's in Australia. Tempe, Arizona. Phoenix, Arizona. West Palm Beach, Florida. Baltimore, Maryland. Atlantic City, New Jersey. And Huntington, New York.

That's sold out, but we're adding another show. So, and then when I'm in town in L.A., always check the Comedy Store websites or the Laugh Factory website or the Improv website. I'm all around. And I perform there all the time. People always say, when are you coming to L.A.? I live in L.A., asshole. I live in L.A.

So thanks for doing it. And thanks for listening. You guys, have a good day, my babies. Babies?