Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 70. Crybaby University

Episode Date: May 29, 2018

It's the 70th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about crybabies and dragging culture. Also discussed: Roseanne, playing colleges, the void, and a couple big pet peeves. Plus, we answer some questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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So check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash congrats. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. This episode is also brought to you by the Cash App. The babies are no stranger to the Cash App. We all use it. It's probably why it's the number one finance app in the App Store. And now the Cash Card is more powerful than ever with Cash App's latest feature, Cash Boost. Download the Cash App, get your free Cash Card, and select your boost.

Save money when you swipe on stuff like coffee, Chipotle, Shake Shack, and more. Download the free Cash app for iOS or Android now. Hey guys, what's up? We're coming to you live from my app. I got you over here on the side. And we're also on episode 70 of Congratulations, the podcast. And this world just keeps getting crazier and crazier, doesn't it? Doesn't it? But we're here for you.

Let me go through some of the dates here. I got coming up. Ottawa, Ontario. Buffalo, New York. Burlington, Vermont. Philadelphia. Washington, D.C. New York, New York, Montclair, New Jersey, Portland, Oregon, Snoqualmie, Washington, Vancouver.

I just added another show. Miami, West Palm Beach, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Toronto, Boston, Fresno, Bakersfield, Austin, San Antonio. Toronto, Boston, Fresno, Bakersfield, Austin, San Antonio, Wilmington, Delaware, Tulsa, Midwest City, Oklahoma, Dallas coming up, Portland, Maine, Hampton Beach, Mashantucket, Connecticut, change it, Houston, Wichita, Kansas City, Missouri, Lincoln, Reno, Las Vegas. Wow, I'm going to Lincoln, huh? I didn't know that. Well, I forget because my agent's like, why don't we do this? And I say, okay. And then I forget.

And then I think, then somebody says, hey, you ever been to fucking Wichita? And I go, and I say, nah, why the fuck would I ever be there? And then I look at my website, and I'm going I say nah why the fuck would I ever be there and then I look at my website and I'm going because I forget um anyway I want to start this uh so that's the follow the leader tour um people are saying come to Utah you know on my app nah was there last year he missed it uh it also takes a little bit for you know trying to develop new material so if i was there already in like you know august i'm not going to be back for a little bit because i'm still doing this material to follow the leader tour and i'm trying to get it cracking all across America, all across the America.

But, you know, you babies are tried and true, man. And you're coming out. Every time I go out and I do another city, there are more and more babies there. And this is the time to push it further than ever, to get these people part of the cult, to get these people to be in with us if not turn around if not because the door to the log cabin closes you know there's multiple entries how about when the guy was like when the guy was like the problem with the school shootings is that there are too many doors. There are too many entry and exits. Hey, when was the last time an entrance killed someone?

Remember the horror movies and the fucking thrillers where the good guy is like, fuck this. I got to write this wrong. And then he grabs an entrance and goes and fucking writes wrongs. Oh, no. Oh, no. He grabs guns. Remember when the bad guy in the movie tries to rob banks with an exit? Eh.

Oh, no. He uses guns. You got to be a special kind of fuck up to think, to say something like that. And then it went away the next day. Went away the next day because everyone forgets about everything because everybody's complaining about everything. And then what happens is you complain about a new thing and everyone forgets about the last thing.

Yay. Nobody gives a fuck and they're a hero with their phone yay nobody really gives a shit and they're a hero sitting behind their computer yay i mean i just liked this post on twitter that my buddy posted about um somebody was like trying to do some kind of quote-unquote article about one of the guys in The Bachelor on The Bachelorette. What's the one with the guys vying for the shit? The Bachelorette? Bachelor? I don't fucking know. Fucking piece of shit, trash-ass show. Stupid fucking dumb show. Bachelor? Bachelorette? fucking dumbass show you know and if you watch it ironically fuck you you're worse you're worse dude no i just watch it because it's funny you're worse um no um oh you're cute because you watch it because you have batch because you're a guy and you have bachelorette or bachelor fucking viewing parties?

Oh, you're cute because of that? Get a personality. Get a fucking personality, you know? Anyway, yeah, somebody wrote, Garrett, what's the tweet from HuffPost? Oh, they're great. Garrett Grigoyen,en change it first of all one of the 28 cast members on becca kufrin's season of the bachelorette appears to have a history of liking social media posts that mock trans people undocumented immigrants left-wing women

and one parkland high school student and And then my buddy Chris Paul writes, hopefully we can destroy him. Nothing I love more than saving the whole entire world from my computer phone when I get bored enough to open an app that isn't Instagram. That's like a perfect response. It's like, first of all, that's not an article, dude. You know how much, I don't, look, I don't know the guy. I don't know what he liked maybe he

liked something that's maybe he liked something completely racist or whatever and that would obviously be fucking weird and not cool but like i've liked some dumb shit on instagram like just dumb shit you know um just fucking stupid shit. We're like, if my kids would see it, I don't have kids, but when I have them and they see my Instagram later, they'd be like, how come you like this? Why did you like this? That guy's face came off. He's bleeding everywhere. Oh, I don't know.

I guess I just kind of. Oh, I don't know. I guess I just kind of. But like to make an article. First of all, never write an article about anybody that's ever been on The Bachelorette. Okay? No. Don't write articles about some fucking dickhead that's hoping for a rose.

Say yeah. That's so lame. You know, I always think like, Oh, whose fault is it? The person writing the article or the person who reads it, the people that eat that shit up. It's the person who does its fault. I've come to that conclusion. Like the stupid fucking Instagram videos that are like, quote unquote, funny, but not on the wavelength as we know they they it's their fault for doing the stupid shit don't do this stupid fucking video yeah people are also dumb for following you but don't do the video period it stops there what came first the chicken or egg the chicken um so uh so yeah so the guy said no entrances are i mean i don't know it's so fucking uh weird the the shit that's going on in this country that now here's the

thing too the football shit where they were like oh football players made it you know not they can't kneel otherwise they get fined and people are like that's not right you can't do that that's anti-american and then the same people that now are dragging rosanne and saying uh the same people that did that are now saying, fire Roseanne, fire Roseanne. It's quite literally the same thing. It's quite literally the same thing. You are what you hate.

You're just on the other side of it. And I'm not condoning what anyone did that if that's racist and shitty what you know what roseanne did it actually just happened i didn't really read too much about it but like what she did was idiotic and stupid you know but let's not pretend like canceling that show isn't going to have the worst fucking backlash it It's going to be awful for the left. Now, I'm a guy who identifies with the left, but also I'm more embarrassed than ever that I do that because cribes.

Now, what's a cribe? It's short for crybaby. There was a video i saw today on vice that was um that was uh look my bottom line is you got to pick you got to make the rules for yourself to live by the reason why the matrix is such a good movie and this is why i always say this is because it creates a crazy world and it adheres to the world to the rules that are in that are that are involved i watch this fucking um show on the show safe with michael c hall it was a soap opera none of it made sense the characters were all doing things that they didn't that they weren't they weren't they weren't

they made this world and then all the characters broke the rules makes no sense that's what we're doing you're saying oh it's it's not american to fucking find these uh uh football players and then oh but fire this person for saying that well which what which is it dude which is it i was looking at this this vice uh i mean it's a larger issue than this fucking podcast here it's a larger issue than this fucking podcast here. It's a larger issue than me saying what I'm saying. I am. I don't know. I barely know what I'm talking about.

But you got to pick a way to be, you know, and they're private companies. I get that you can't work for Disney and then also call a black person from Planet of the Apes or whatever the fuck Roseanne did it. Like, that's what Roseanne did was fucking stupid. And they reserved the right to fire her. But there's like it's a nuanced thing. Why do I always get rid of that pillow when I need that pillow? It's a nuanced thing. This whole dragging, you know, quote unquote culture is just annoying as shit.

Like where we drag the fuck out of somebody. Look what it becomes. You know, I was looking at this video on Vice that was talking about this. I retweeted it, but it was like a Vice video that was talking about colleges like emerson and some other college that nobody's ever fucking heard of that uh that um they're talking about how they couldn't uh they and i've i've done this dude i'm a comedian and i've had colleges be like oh they want we want you to do this show but you can't talk about religion i say no i say no if i could tell my agents to write in a response, go fuck yourself, I would. But they won't do that because they're my agents and they always go like, I mean, I've told them to do shit like that. And they're like, well, you know, we can't do it because, you know, I keep the relationship.

No, fuck that relationship, dude. If you're hiring me to do stand up the thing that i've worked on for 12 fucking years then you get what i got dude i don't show up and then adhere to your rules i go i tell you to turn round and i grab a hand fully the back of your hair and whoopsie i slipped inside you you got royally fucked um why college campuses can be minefields for some comedians and and you know what dude i take these gigs and i and i and i and i and i i say there's no rules, no restrictions, right? My agents say none.

I go there and I tell these fucking college kids. I do the jokes and these college kids listen. And sometimes, look, the college kids don't know what they believe yet. So everything is almost offensive because they haven't figured themselves out yet. And that's fine, dude. When I was their age, I didn't know myself either. I didn't know myself until yesterday. Okay.

But when you're a stand up comedian. And you're up there. And you're coming to my show. You're not going to get fucking offended. And if you do. You're getting. I'm visually. Fucking you.

That's it. You're done. Dude. That's it. You don't get to be offended these are jokes period when i oh oh dude i had a stephen hawking joke and he died and i was like well i'm still gonna do the joke just because he died i'm still gonna do the joke now when i do the joke everyone oh oh fuck you dude up. It's a joke.

So I was watching this thing on Vice, and it was talking about Emerson was one of the colleges and two other colleges that nobody ever fucking heard of. And they were like, oh, you know, we don't want them to be, you know, colleges are more diverse than ever. So they can't make transphobic jokes. They can't make jokes about rape. They can't make jokes about sexual assault. If they're more diverse than ever, then why can't make transphobic jokes. They can't make jokes about rape. They can't make jokes about sexual assault. If they're more diverse than ever, then why are they all thinking the same goddamn thing? Ah!

You mean they're not diverse because... You mean they're more diverse because they're different colors? Kiss my fucking ass! They're all thinking the same thing? Bzzz!

Hello. We're welcome. Bzzz! Hello. One ticket for the comedy show. Bzzz! Hello. one ticket for the comedy show. Hello, we have a group of four. With the fucking light, red light across the mouth.

Hello, four tickets to a comedy show. We are programmed to laugh at the things that are not offensive. We all agree because we are all on the same network. Commence sitting. Commence laughter mode. Welcome, comedian. Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. aye aye hey guys what's going on ha ha ha so pinking isn't just for girls

ha ha a guy can wear pink too aye aye aye aye aye aye meh I agree I was programmed to agree we are was programmed to agree. We are all programmed to agree. Laugh in unison. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What a beautiful comedy show. Well, well, hello, guys. I'm the comedian for tonight. You can be you can be a man or a woman Whether you can Having sex Look at how much I don't know about it Sex isn't gender

That's like saying peanut butter is jelly Oh my god, this is the most hilarious comedian I have ever heard in my life. Must tweet about how great he is. Anyone who opposes will be dragged. Thanks for coming out, everyone. We had a great time here at the most liberalest crybaby as fuck college of all time it's called crybaby you i am so happy to get my diploma at crybaby you i am so happy to be here everyone please welcome the valedictorian of snowflake of state of state snowflake state Snowflake State University. Hello.

Hello, students. Now you will embark on to the real world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, we will let you know that the real world can be tough out there. Some people think that you don't really care what you think. Wow, that really can take the wind out of your sails. Auto-correct. Wind out of your sails. But it's okay. The real world, those people will be in jail.

Because you cannot speak out against what is liberal. Otherwise, people will go to jail. And we basically live in the 12th century now. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that the one everyone receiving their diplomas it is the same the same noise that when when you watch the fucking porns and the and the girls are getting are getting tight you ever see the the porn where

they're like on the gynecology fucking chair and the fucking big robot arm fucks them? And it's like, who's watching that? Only really fat guys and really skinny guys watch that. You can't have a regular body and watch that shit. You have to be like really frail and you're like oh or you're like let's watch the more chicks get fucked by robot arms then there's just so fat and you eat the food on your belly big as a rubber dildo and then it goes faster and faster it's like it goes just like like fucking turn it off he why are you in a dungeon always because it's wrong

hey if you're in a dungeon what you're doing is wrong the lower you get the worse you are if you're on the fucking also if you're a ceo of a company you're probably evil too and you're on the top floor get somewhere in the middle how about everyone remains on the ground that's that's it that's when you're fucking morally okay it's cocked again it's got thank you so much i am prepared for life now um yeah dude just so fucking like i don't know i don't understand why liberals don't don't get that what they're doing is only going to make it worse for them and what they believe. Pretty soon they're going to be on the end of – because it's like everybody is offended.

Nobody is offended and everything is funny until it's offensive to you. You know what I mean? Until it's offensive to you. You know what I mean? And that's... Where is it? Hello, students. I would like to prepare you for the real world.

If you are black and somebody says something negative about you or if you are white and and somebody says something negative about you or if you are Asian and somebody

says something negative about you, they will be fired and dragged across the social cults of injustice. Also, you can be fired for breathing wrong. Scott. You can... Remember, America is a place where you can say whatever you want. Scott. Until it doesn't jive with the community. Until it doesn't jive with the community. Remember, America, so many hydraulics.

When you're American, you may say whatever it is you please. Unless it doesn't Jive with the community Or also doesn't speak To a fringe group You are now prepared To embark on the real world And remember Hook up to our system You are now prepared to embark on the real world. And remember, hook up to our system so you know how to feel.

If you're unsure of how to feel, please sign in to the Wi-Fi. Snowflake. And the password is crybaby. Remember, we all think the same. And if we don't, you will be executed. Now, now, it is time for the after-graduation party. Here we go time for the graduation party god damn fuck yes here we go wait a minute was that the n-word that was the n-word must find dj caledon pump him and then fuck him and kill him i don't

even know what i'm talking about anymore i mean you know i'm so hood you know i'm so hood that bit i did it way too long But whatever dude that's what you get That's like my dad dude My dad will fucking take a bit and run it into the ground That's why I get it I'll be like He also does the same joke you do

Only like makes it one word different And then like laughs again And then my brother and I always Every time someone does it we go Oh said that My parents made me fucking move a rug again god damn it dude every time i go over there all they do hey i need you my dad will text me and my brother we got to get to we got to have you here earlier today uh we got be prepared to stay later we need extra hands mom has a couch

she wants you to move mom has a rug she wants you to put down you know i go i write so i write fine and then we get there she wanted us to put the fucking rug on of course it's always like the hardest shit it can't just be putting a rug down on a room it has to be like i want it to go under the bed and then there's a trunk and i want you to leave the trunk there and then make sure it's even and then do it without bending over and you're like what this is a fucking physical challenge um and then we did it and it took like fucking an hour and then she wanted us there was like a rug fuck man I'm so there was like a rug to put enough it's already there, and she was like,

I don't want you to take it out. I want you to just put the rug over the rug. And I was like, all right. And my dad was like, no, you got to remove the rug. And I was like, Dad, you're making us do more work. Just fucking let us put the rug down. That's what she wants. And he's like, okay.

And then we did. We put the rug down, and the rug under it was bigger than the rug that we put over it. So it was like fucking peeking out and shit. And the rug was not was all lumpy and shit and it wasn't like and my mom i was like why is this lumpy she's like i don't know i've never seen a rug like this and then she was like it's an outdoor indoor rug and my brother was like was it used already was it is it was it wet it's all warped and so she was like just leave it and now she's got a fucking shitty ass rug on top of another rug under the shit and it's not the way she wanted and my back hurts but my dad was like

my dad was like why don't we why don't we just uh hire somebody and this and that and we'll get somebody to do it professionally. Did it all in front of me and my brother making us feel like ass bitches. But anyway, I posted a video on Instagram about it and it went like so many likes and shit. It's weird how people love to see your family. It's so weird to me. I don't give a fuck about that shit. Like seeing Chris Pratt's family.

I don't give a fuck. I just want to see Chris Pratt running around with guns and fucking fighting aliens that's all i give a shit about maybe i want to see a workout of his or something that's it i don't need to see all of his family shit the second you do that though that's when it should that's when the people really feel like they're a part of your life life um i don't know man i don't know what uh all i know is there was a guy in spain or something that got like arrested and put in jail because he spoke out at a concert against the president it's like that's where we're headed dude that is quite literally where we're headed if we keep this up um some brazilian comedian got sued i was talking about this on i did the your mom's house podcast that's coming out in a few weeks. But Segura was telling me that this comedian got sued like $100,000 and lost all of his endorsements still because he made a terrible joke on like whatever the Good Morning fucking show is in Brazil. And it was a bad joke. But he tried to make a joke.

That's it, man. You get the comedian and he made a joke about how like something like, oh, somebody, some woman was pregnant. He was like, she's so beautiful. I would have sex with her and her baby, which is so bad. But like he should be like, whoops, I fucked up. That was stupid. And that's it. That's it.

He was trying to joke, but they're suing him. And he lost like a hundred thousand dollars lost all of his endorsement deals like it's like what uh it's like what um uh um judy gold said on the on vice on that vice interview it's like she said the world you know stop trying to make the world change to you or whatever she said i'm paraphrasing it but like you the world is the world and deal with it like that's he fucked up everyone feels so good about um themselves when they're behind their phone or keyboard and they drag the fuck out of somebody like they never said anything wrong and we also i say this on the podcast i said a time and time

again people aren't what they say they're who they are now you keep saying the same thing over and over again this is general pretty good indication of who you are but if you fuck up once or twice fuck it man fuck it um it, man. Fuck it. Anyway. Okay, here we go. The truth is most of us are brushing our teeth wrong. Not for long enough and forget to change our brush on time. That's because most brands focus on selling flashy gimmicks rather than better brushing, like most companies. But you know what? Not Quip. So what makes Quip so different well quip is an electric toothbrush that is a fraction of the cost of bulkier brushes while still packing the just the right amount of vibrations to help clean your teeth quip's built-in timer helps you clean for

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I was thinking about the comedian shit and, uh, um, and all that, like how it's crazy that everything's changing and comedians are now like being censored and shit like that, which is awful. I mean, for me,

it's one of the worst things because I'm a comedian. but also it's weird to me to think that the liberals are the ones that want this growing up i always thought like of it as like a super far right like conservative thing like oh you can't say this you can't say that like conservatives are like oh we don't talk about those things because they're not proper you know what i mean shit like that but it's like completely the opposite which is weird it's about it's like we don't talk about that not because it's not proper but because it hurts our feelings which is like buck up adult i mean kind of just saying the same thing over and over again here but um Um, yeah, uh, I just was, I don't know.

I had a point here. What was it? Being a comedian and, um, um, and all that. I just feel like, uh, it's weird. Like I, I, I, I, I've been thinking about why I do comedy, why I do standup and it's genuinely because I make people laugh and – generally because I like to make people laugh and I like to make myself laugh, you know? I used to say stand-up – I do stand-up not because – I don't do stand-up to make other people laugh.

I do it to make myself not cry. And, like, that's a joke, you know, but it's a little bit true because it makes me so happy and, you know, because I'm so happy, I'm sad less and all that. But, you know, I know comedians talk about everyone. There's this whole fucking notion that comedians or artists do this to fill a void or whatever it is that they're doing in life. It's to fill some void.

And that shit is nonsense, man. I can't stand that. Whether you have a fucking sex addiction or whatever the fuck it is, some people just do shit because that's what they're doing. They're addicted to it or they like it or they have fun doing it. This void that everyone's talking about is so stupid, man. People have been talking about a void since I was born, man. All I hear, oh, you do this to fucking fill the void. I ain't just trying to fill the void.

Oh, it doesn't help. Buying all those clothes, it doesn't fill the void. What void is everybody fucking talking about, man? I just like the color yellow, so I bought the goddamn sweatshirt. It doesn't have anything to do with a fucking void, dude. I don't do stand-up to fill some void. I don't do it because i you know there's some secret meaning or this this this this thing in my psyche that's like ah fuck but this is

why it keeps coming back i'm just doing it because it's fun and i like it there's no trauma there's no this there's no that there's no the other thing i'm just doing it because i like to get on stage like a baseball player likes to swing the fucking bat that's it that's it i'm gonna try to hit a home run every fucking time because that's what's fun and that's what feels good but there's no void uh there was this thing that was it's like you know there's this thing about i was i was reading on twitter the other day and i retweeted somebody who said something about this people think because you that you got to struggle to be fucking artistic and good now look dude first of all if you like my art at all that goes that fucking goes in the in that flies in your face i had a great childhood i love my family i love my parents i was happy as shit yeah i'm a

fucking weirdo and i definitely have an anxiety disorder and ocd but you know what is that what you mean by the struggle certainly not there's people out there literally getting fucked and tortured you know so so it's like you know this and then this, and then of course this guy made it about race, which was like annoying to me. He was like, he started off by saying like, there's this thing where you thought, there's this thing that people, there's this notion that people think, I'm paraphrasing, but that people think that you need to struggle to become a writer and this and that. And that's not true. And I was like, like oh he's right and then he's like i hear a lot of white guys saying like oh they wish they had struggle and this and that and they made about a made about race and it was annoying as fuck to me and i was like oh this guy fucking baited me into this tweet that i thought was going to be good

and then he was like all white people do this all and i was just like jesus christ dude i mean man i'm i'm fucking getting tired of everyone saying how fucking dudes suck and how white dudes suck. I mean, I get it. But, dude, come on. There's a lot of people out there. They don't all do the same fucking thing. Man, you just go on Twitter and just type in, fuck, men suck. Men are horrible.

Look how many fucking tweets come up. You know? And if anybody said that about any other kind of group, it'd be it. Your career would be over. Your career would be over. If fucking anybody. See, that's why you got to do all the shit. You got to get the fans. You got to get the fans.

You got to lose the fans up front. You have to lose them up front so you get the genuine people that are going to follow you. This is what this cult is about. I come out and I'm telling you how the fuck it is up front.

There's no secret agenda. There's no, oh, but this is how it's going to be. I'm telling you how the fuck it is up front there's no secret agenda there's no oh but this is how it's gonna be i'm telling you all the thoughts up front because that's what i believe is right and look at this i'm just the first thing this is horrible all men are garbage because some some guy all men are garbage, first tweet that came in. So fuck all men. Fuck all men with these signs. Scorpios can't, look how stupid this is.

Fuck all men. Morgan Freeman accused of sexual harassment by eight women. And then this person, fuck all men. I freeman accused of sexual harassment by eight women and then this person fuck all men i mean what huh how about when morgan freeman when that fucking idiot on was it cnn was like he looked at me and said i wish i was there and he and morgan freeman and then it showed the clip and morgan freeman was literally talking about uh if you see the whole clip did you see this michael cain was like one time i told michael cain was like one time i told a girl uh i made a mistake and i asked her when her pregnancy was due and she wasn't pregnant and then morgan freeman says i wish i was there and the person conducting the interview thought morgan freeman meant because he was looking at her

that he was he was fucking her yeah what a joke dude what a joke you're fucking up you are fucking up everybody's actual pain you are not letting the people who get who who have been hurt heal because of your trivial bullshit that's completely wrong and this woman would be the first to say i'm a survivor for what dude the first to say, I'm a survivor. For what, dude? You didn't jump into a volcano. You weren't brutally raped at knife point.

Morgan Freeman said something about Michael Kane's story, and you think you're a fucking survivor. All men are shit. Here's another one. All men are fuckboys. All men are terrible. Oh wow. One fire just wrote all men are.

I'm going to tweet something today. Men are beautiful. How many retweets? I got 76 retweets. I have a fucking 700,000. It's weird, dude. And those people want, it's like, you know, those people want equality. And, you know, I get the white man has been on top for, you know, years and years and years and years. But you got to be careful man it's we i've talked about it before but there's this there's this tendency to let the pendulum swing

the too hard the other way and it's almost impossible man i mean dude i'm sure if i was in the minority and i was getting shit on for you know years and years and years my whole life i mean how could you not have some hatred towards fucking white guys? It's a tricky fucking thing, man. It's a tricky fucking thing. It really is. It's so hard to be the better person. It's actually fucking so hard, man.

It's like almost impossible. I mean, I'm a fucking, I've been the worst man a lot. I seek out tweets so I can be the worst man and fucking respond. You know? I search my name,

not my handle. I search my name on Twitter because I want my name, not my handle. I search my name on Twitter because I want people to, I want to see negative things about me because then I want to get to slamming. I'm petty. And people are like, are you that insecure? It has nothing. I'm not saying I'm not insecure, but this has nothing to do with being insecure. I'm a slammer. It's fun for me.

It's batting practice. I do this for a living. I like to do it. Oh, I'm just, if some guy was like, fuck you, I'm sticking up for my friend. That's exactly what I was doing. Stick it up for me. This is the internet. This is the world. This world this is earth it's not gonna change for you you know as if as you know taken off of what um judy gold was saying i can't forget her fucking name which is stupid she's funny i was looking up some of her stuff she's making me laugh Judy Gold was saying. I keep forgetting her fucking name, which is stupid. She's funny. I was looking up some of her stuff. She's making me laugh.

Anyway. I don't know what else. I, what else? Dude, here, let's get, look, let's not be so heavy. Let's talk about something a little bit less right now, just because it's been on my mind. Sometimes this shit sticks in my mind and it bothers me all day. I feel like I'm like a, like a young Larry David, which is like, you know, I know it shows jokes and all that, but it's obviously part of how he is. Like if, if this is obviously part of how he is.

This has got to stop, okay? If you're at one of my favorite place to eat is any place where you could go to the counter and order and then go sit down and they bring you the food. Fuck these waiters and waitresses. Fuck when you're at a table and you got to do from an iPad. No, I want a person at the counter. I want to walk up to that guy from the counter. I want to say I want a coffee and a bagel or a fucking breakfast burrito. Then I want to go sit down.

I want to take your stupid square, gross, plaqued, fucking disease-infested number 35, walk it over to my table, put it in the little bullshit holder, and wait for my thing. That's what I want.

Don't give me a cute-ass waitress or waiter. That's what I want. But here's the fucking rule. If you're with a group, one person orders and pays. One person pays. If you want to figure it out later, who owes who what, do that. But you don't walk up with a group of six

and each pay for your own shit. It takes too long, and there's a line, fuckheads. I got to wait an extra 10 minutes to get my fucking chicken because these motherfucking bitch ass, okay, this and that. Here's the other thing. The menu's been there since you've been in line. Read it before you get up there.

Oh, can I this? Oh, my ex was the worst, dude. What do you recommend? What do you recommend? What do you recommend? You're in your 30s. You know what this shit tastes like. Every place has fucking chicken or salad or fucking beef. And they got an Italian dressing, oil and vinegar, and some fucking hot sauce. That's what every place has.

You got the nerve to walk up to a counter and say, What do you recommend? Now that's okay to do when there's no line, but when there's a line, you deserve to get a fucking toe cut off. I'm the toe collector when it comes to that. Oh, excuse me. Just collecting toes. Everyone's fucking up the line. I'm just collecting toes. Come on, dude. Get with the program, dude.

Come on, man. And we're worried about hurting people's feelings? What about wasting their fucking time, dude? That's the thing that matters way more hurting people's feelings? What about wasting their fucking time, dude? That's the thing that matters way more than people's feelings. Fuck your feelings, dude. Fuck your feelings. Respect my time. How the fuck does this goddamn thing work?

I hate this fucking thing. Okay, there we go. All right, good. Didn't do shit. Oh, this is it. I got it i i just unbelievable with the with the with the line shit i go to this place the line curves around and shit and then people take it upon themselves to be like oh this is where the line's gonna go now we'll curve it around this way and it's like in the way of a fucking fire zone.

And I go with a fucking fire. You get a fire. It's a fire. And I go, yeah, but this is where the line was. And everyone's burning alive now. I don't know. I don't know anymore you know what i think's a myth or at least it's never happened to me blue balls yeah well there's a pain in your balls or something, guys swear by that, oh if a girl teases you,

then all the pressure builds up, and the fucking, huh, you're not in a wind tunnel, I don't get blue balls, period, I can hold it forever, no pressure,

no nothing, never have I ever gotten blue balls, you have, yeah, ever, I haven't got rid of, never got blue balls, what is is it it's like an ache it was really bad

yeah i know i know what it is one far as like've i've been you know horny or whatever plenty of times and been kissing and then not had the thing happen and it fucking never hurt ever in my life after that i go like this oh well and i walk away and it doesn't hurt my balls and it doesn't hurt anything in fact i walk i walk away like this we gotta we gotta get it dude you should have seen the fucking uh uh i tried to get them to do a um uh soundboard oh my god it was fucking he would be like here look the soundboard and one fire would be like click it and 20 seconds later it would be like we're gonna get it though and it's gonna be lit dude it's gonna be fucking lit we're gonna have hit him up on there it's gonna be awesome i'm ready for it what's that song gonna be a bright bright bright bright

sunshiny day what's that song oh yeah that's what i do when a girl doesn't let me give... Rain is gone? What the fuck is it called? It's not, though. I can see... What? Oh, I mean knows it. Oh, not coming up. Oh, my library.

And I'm mad. When you're in my library, and you're like, where is it I I tuned iTunes doesn't have anything go oh Apple music dude that's what I do I a girl's like no I don't think I'm ready to do this and then I I'm sitting there with a fucking heart with a with a horizontal sausage and fucking okay well catch you later I'm walking down I can see clearly I can still see clearly dude Doesn't matter

Never had blue balls I can see all Obstacles in my way Like blue balls Doesn't matter Gone are the dark clouds That had me blind Okay It's gonna be bright Doesn't matter. Okay.

It's optimistic. Right with the blue balls, walking out. I'll explode later. Off to get a fucking breakfast burrito. Oh, there's a line. Pay for it all together. Hey, there they are. They're paying all together. Alright. Fuck yeah.

Haha. Got that burrito quick. Yum. Let's tweet something. Send. Hey, look at that. A bunch of retweets. And nobody's feelings are hurt. Wow. Nice. Let me check my email.

Hey, look at that. An offer to go play Emerson University. Wow. Any stipulations? No? They're offering me that much? Huh. All right. They're offering me that much? Huh Alright Nice Hey, look at that Let me check Instagram What the fuck?

DJ Khaled's not being unbelievably annoying? Whoa Hey What the fuck? A chick is posting a picture of her tits and not pretending it's about a watch or coffee scrub? What the fuck? Guess I gotta keep on moving.

Like. Ah. What a beautiful day. Hey. look at that nice car what the fuck why are the windows rolled down and then you and then you get shot because days like that don't happen you get shot and then you're choking on your own blood and you're fucking, and people are like, Oh damn, that guy got,

and then somebody is trying to take a fucking video of it on Snapchat. And you're like, Oh shit, dude. And the last thing you hear is like fucking, uh, and then you hear a car drive by and it's playing and it's playing this shit. Um,

and you're like, this is the last song I get to hear? And you're like, oh my God, that sucks. And then you die. And the last thing you heard is a Nelly song. Imagine the last thing you heard in life was a Nelly song. Imagine it was this one and you imagine getting imagine this song's on and you got fucking like imagine this song's on at a bar and you go to the bathroom and someone beats the living shit out of you to a bloody pulp and you're dying and they leave and you're dying.

And this song is playing. And you're just like, you're barely with it. And you're just like, oh, fuck. I want to die. Please, somebody come in. But you're like, I can't move. It hurts too much. And then you just pass away listening to Kelly Rollins and Nelly.

My boo, you know? God, what if that's the last word you heard? My boo. Basic, basic, basic, basic, basic. Anybody can do this. And anybody can do this. High end. Dude Dude that's so funny High end

You know what I mean That song rocked When this came out No blue balls Complete explosion Uh oh I'm dumping Oh what the fuck?

She went, eh. Oh, my God. Was that the first eh of all time? First of all, sahat, he said. First of all, he said, sahat, eh. Listen, dude. And then the girl goes, eh. Dude.

Dude. Oh. dude and then the girl goes dude oh so hot and then listen right here dude nelly one time i don't fucking whatever Dude, Nelly. One time... Whatever. One time there was a guy in high school. In One Fire's high school. And he told me that he would go sell drugs. And he's like, sometimes I just go to Santa Barbara and dump. And he was talking about selling drugs. He called it dumping.

It's like, dude, it's just so awesome to go to Santa Barbara and just dump. Oh, man. It's a high end. Oh. Oh, fuck. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I love it. I love it. Dump in, you know. What else can we talk about before we... I'm feeling... I'm still feeling pretty good. I still have this note that I had. I have like three notes today.

And one of them was host horrible. And I don't know what the fuck that means. I think was that was, that must've been a while ago. I just left when I said hosting something would be the most horrible job in the world. Worse than crack whore. But Nelly,

uh, I met him the other day. he's every time i think of nelly i think of a guy who once said to me i was getting a tupac thing framed and i brought up tupac i couldn't get through it couldn't get through the podcast without bringing up tupac unbelievable i was getting a thing framed that guy said oh you like tupac i said yeah he said yeah he's one of my favorites i said oh yeah he said yeah he's like who else do you like i was like i don't know i didn't really want to talk to the guy and he was i was like he was like yeah man i love tupac and i also think nelly's pretty real that's what he said nelly's pretty real so funny dude not that he's not real but

like just the wording and like oh yeah i love tupac and also i think nelly's pretty real the band-aid on his cheek superfluous the band-aid on his cheek what if the whole time we didn't know but like he had the band-aid on his cheek and then when he pulled it off he had like a huge boil or a tattoo of nelly a tattoo of nelly's face um remember when he did that flirty thing with the fucking 12 year old or the four four year old on the on the on the um he did like the weird like he was singing the song to nelly was singing the song to the kid andie was singing the song to the kid. And he was like flirting with her and she was like nine. Hey Nellie, there's the internet.

Don't do that. Someone's going to video it and say, what are you doing? Nellie serenades another nervous little girl on stage. Eh. Gives her his glasses. Cur curls and twirls her hair. So close. So weird. Whatever, though.

I mean, it's not like... That's good. I guess we're done. I mean, we can take some some twitter do you have any good ones some of you guys all i do is come i come up with a new thing and say like oh it's not a new thing by the way it's been around my fucking life forever calling something's a bitch but like so many people are oh how bitch is it to this how bitch is it that you're fucking almost all wrong how bitch is it to sign something you're like what um this is cool victoria writes

made him grad cap an ode to daddy even though of course fuck ceremonies and she put me on there oh that's cool fuck ceremonies but still made it about the cult victoria underscore underscore Barra. That's cool. Here you go. Jesus Miguel Chapa. J underscore M underscore Chapa. How much of your show's specials are improvised? I don't know how to answer that question. Maybe 10%. I mean, the podcast is completely improvised,

but the shows or specials like on stage, I mean, it depends. But specials come out to be, I don't know. My incorrigible, some of the stuff was improvised. And then even some of the stuff, no, my last special, none of it was really improvised, I don't think. Except for the end when it got, the thing after the card that comes up because uh afterwards because the mic went out i was just fucking around um the first it's just like odd moments here and there it's not not crazy improvised i mean sometimes when i'm on stage and not shooting i'll do shit i'll just make shit up but for the specials that's like the worked on material. Usually, uh, easy H King ill music. I w I want to know what Chris D'Elia thinks of that push a T

album. Yeah. I liked it a lot, dude. Um, I L I liked it a lot. I like it a lot, but, but dude, I've been on the push a T train. I'm not gonna be one of those annoying guys. It's like, I liked them since before you guys would just fucking, I hate that shit. But yeah, I've liked on the push it T train I'm not gonna be one of those annoying guys that's like I liked him since before you guys which is fucking I hate that shit but yeah I've liked him forever I've constantly I've said he's the best rapper he's definitely one of the best rappers alive

I saw him once at a diner and I was like and we made eye contact and I was like oh what's up and he was like what's up Chris and it was like made my fucking week and told him i was a big fan and then he didn't say it back so that's cool um uh so yeah no it was great uh it was a great uh it's a great album and then people are making like oh but the disc the the drake disc is even better no it's not drake i like drake i like

drake's music and that this wasn't bad. But like, come on. That fucking Pusha T album was like the hottest shit all year. Anyway. Yeah, the Pusha T album is fucking awesome. You got to listen to it. All right. I'm out.

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Check out the YouTube videos that go up every Tuesdays or Wednesdays. Download the Crystalia app for iOS and Android or Android. Please, all this shit helps, man. It really does. Subscribe, rate, please, all this shit helps, man. It really does. Uh, subscribe, rate, and review the show,

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