Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 72. Tinhead Botface

Episode Date: June 11, 2018

It's the 72nd episode! On today's show, Chris talks about being nice to robots. Also discussed: people being awkward, AirPods and dental floss, IHOB, XXXTentacion, Miss America, and vegan McDonalds. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show, we can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. This episode of Congratulations is brought to you by the Cash App.

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You get it a little bit early this way. So download, go to Crystalia, go to wherever you get an app, and then write in Crystalia, and my app will come up. You'll see it and download that. Someone was saying that while I was up, because I was on the app a little bit before we started recording that it was awkward because I wasn't doing anything. I'll, I stand by it.

I've said it before on this podcast, man. Things are only awkward if you're awkward. That's the kind of thing that fucking doesn't exist unless you're awkward. When people are like, ah, you're, this is awkward. Oh, well, you're just being an awkward person. You're an awkward person. I'm chilling. When I do meet and greets at my shows afterwards, people are like, oh, this is so awkward for you, huh?

I say, no, it's awkward for you. I'm fucking used to it. Take the pic. Take the pic. Oh, wow, I'm sure you hate this, don't you? Nah, uh-uh, I'm getting paid. Is this your least favorite part? What, is making money my least favorite part of life?

Nah. Making money is one of my favorite parts of life. But yeah, dude. Episode, what, 72? What the fuck is it? 72? Dude. You know what I did the last podcast?

I said, Stold. And I said I stole a hat. And this is why I did that. Because that's what the fucking word should be. Fuck this stolen shit. Why are you changing the way the English language goes? Just because it's sound? What asshole was like,

Nah, we're going to call it stolen. Not stowed, even though E.D. is usually past tense for everything. So, Hi guys. This is it. We doing it. And it's episode 72. And I was in New Jersey. I was in New York a little bit hanging out. I did a pop-in show. I popped in. I did the Gotham Comedy Club. It was really fun. Then I did New Jersey. I was in Red Bank. That was awesome. And then I was in Delaware. I'd never been to Delaware, I was in Red Bank. That was awesome.

And then I was in Delaware. I'd never been to Delaware, which I guess was the first state ever, which like I give a fuck about that. People kept telling me it's the first state ever. Oh, cool. I'm fucking 38, not 785. So it doesn't fucking matter to me. You know what I mean? Everybody wants tradition and fucking how nice and how.

Oh, yeah. But oh, yeah. But this matters because of that happened and shit it matters because all right cool history matters as much as where you go like this oh okay cool and then we're gonna repeat the shit anyway so anyway we're all going down in flames catch you later um so i was in delaware and then i went to pennsylvania at a place called reading which is spelled reading. So therefore call it reading or change it to R E D D I N G. And that's it. That's it.

That's it. That's how it goes. Not trying to confuse the foreigners. Um, had some fun shows, man. They were really good shows. I had some really good shows. I brought two openers. I have my buddy Mark, the Irish guy who fucking, God damn it, man.

We really need to either send him back to Ireland or clean up his fucking language, dude. The guy, he does my biggest pet peeve. It's my biggest pet peeve, dude. When somebody says something and then you say, what? And then they don't say what they said.

They say something else. No. If you say something and then I ask what, you repeat the exact same fucking thing. A lot of people will just repeat the second half of it. They'll be like, well, here's what happened. We were driving back to my house from the airport. We had a driver and the guy was driving back to the airport, driving us back from the airport to my house. And Mark, my Irish buddy, lives in between there.

And we were driving by his place. He said to the driver in his fucked up Irish accent, which, by the way, this is annoying even if you don't have a crazy accent wherever you are. He said, oh, you can drop me off anywhere here, boss. And he didn't say it loud enough because first of all he doesn't talk loud enough and second of all he's irish as shit so it you heard it wasn't even like as clear as i said it he said something like uh you don't have anywhere to hear the boss and then the driver said what and then mark said anywhere boss and the driver kept driving rightfully so i like my driver and he keeps fucking driving because mark didn't do what he was supposed to do which was to be second

the second time you say something if somebody says what be more clear and maybe even say more things you don't just say a lot of people do the second half of the sentence. They'll be like, oh man, I'm really hungry. Did you want to eat somewhere? Or, oh man, I'm really hungry. Where do you want to go? They say, what? They say, where do you want to go? They say, where do I want to go where? What are you talking about? Shopping? To the pool? Oh no, no. I said I was hungry. Where do you want to go oh you're hungry okay that changes everything then that fucking changes everything then man I I most likely didn't hear the first part of what you said because you caught me off guard talking we weren't having a conversation then they say

some shit I say what and I got to catch up listening and then you read the second half are you a dunce, dude? Say the whole fucking sentence or say more. Obviously. These are the fucking, this is it. This is how it should be. And that's my biggest pet peeve. So he says, anywhere, boss.

And the driver keeps driving. He doesn't say what again? Because that's on fucking Mark, dude. And that's cool. Another thing about Mark is when he says his fucking name to people merrick that's how they say in ireland merrick and people are like what merrick just say mark when i go to fucking spain guess what my and i say hey mark repeat what you said he doesn't know you just said anywhere that's all you fucking said he doesn't know what anywhere means i said this in the car i was like repeat what you just fucking said and he says oh you can drop yeah i

said he wants you to drop him off here anywhere he said that's okay and he's not doing it right and the driver said oh oh, okay, cool. He said, sorry, man. He fucking doesn't speak up. We've been over this. And he pulled over and he tossed him out. And he left. Dude, that drives me nuts when people do that.

You ever see that show you did you see american idol last night what last night huh huh you could have said did you get fucked in the ass last night well i don't know last night oh oh repeat the whole fucking thing dude i swear to god do that if you listen to this podcast and you don't do that dude i don't want you listening to this podcast man that really drives me nuts dude you most likely didn't hear the first part so anyway uh i brought him and then my other guy, Mike, I brought him to open for me too. And I call them my openers because I think it's funny because like their lives are so easy anyway. They get to play these fucking cool crowds and shit. And like I always give them shit.

I'm like, your life's too good. We basically have the same life, me and them, because we're just like rolling around doing all the same shit and even though like quote unquote they're like at the beginning of their career and like but they still like fucking have the same life i do we eat at night at diners we laugh so hard you know what i mean we laugh so hard dude we laugh so hard all we do is laugh so hard and make fun of each other and laugh so hard dude it's the best life man i love my fucking life um so dude it's just fucking awesome took some flights man the the you know what's bullshit man you pay for these flights and like if you put never mind that's gonna be such a fucking first world problem I'm not even gonna

talk about that I don't know but I was in New York and I was staying in the Lower East Side. Had a good time. I like the Lower East Side. I don't know, man. I was having a good time in New York and Redding. I like going places just for one night. You know what I mean? Because you can like, even if you're in a shithole, like I guess Redding is a shithole. I don't know if it is or not you don't know you don't know you're there for fucking nine hours you don't know if it's a piece of shit or not you know i was in delaware delaware seemed like i had nothing to fucking do there but i didn't know i just went and got some coffee and chilled out um by the way i get good at i'm good at like because people when i walk down the street especially like near my shows people be like

chris and i'm good at like not turning around because then that means I have to fucking like talk to them and have a whole conversation with them and shit. But pretty soon, like somebody is going to like be like walking up to me to rob me or like shoot me and somebody's going to go, Chris, and I'm not going to turn around. They're just going to blow my fucking brains out. So that's cool. Thanks. It's everyone else's fault, not mine. Dude, I realized something about me recently. I fucking blame everything on everybody else. And I got to get that shit together

straight up. I blame everything on everybody else. So here's a great, here's a great fucking example. Here's a great example. All right. So I was, I got these fucking AirPods, right? Which are great. Mac makes them them now they're entirely too small of course you're gonna lose them when you buy them nobody thinks when you buy them nobody doesn't think oh shit i better not lose these because they're the size of a fucking cockhead okay they're the size of a fucking the bell end of a cockhead all right and so you're like shit and by the way it's the air pods they're the smallest fucking thing with two smaller things inside of them none of this shit is connected you're gonna lose at least

one of those fucking pieces you're gonna lose the box or one of the ears or one of the fucking you know what i mean like apple's just like hey you know apple's like we can't wait for motherfuckers to lose these we want to see we want to keep track of how many people are buying the shits because i've already bought two okay they slid out of my fucking dude here's the other thing oh wow we're good we're fucking off and running pants, pants have pockets that only are fucking horizontal to the ground, dude. Don't make pockets that are perpendicular to the fucking ground. You know, like khaki pants and shit. Do you know what I'm talking about? When you sit down, everything falls out of your fucking pocket. Oh, Oh, sideways pocket, sideways pockets? Fuck my ass, dude.

No. No, dude. Pockets go straight across like some closed eyelids. That's what happens, man. That's it. This way, unless you're doing backflips, shit doesn't fall out of your pants. And if you're doing backflips, you deserve to lose fucking everything, by the way. You know, some asshole, you know, you've seen people do backflips in public.

Those people are real motherfuckers, dude. They deserve to drop it. They deserve to lose coins, AirPods, wallets, everything. I am now – I have the AirPods. And in my rider, which – and a rider is what the quote-unquote artist – not quote. What the artist wants in his green room before the show, okay? Like whether it's a musician or a magician or a, you know, whether it's a musician or a magician, kill yourself, or a comedian, right?

So now if you're a musician, you get a writer. If you're a magician, you know, kill yourself, you get a writer. And if you're a comedian, you get a writer, okay? Now a lot of people have crazy shit. Like people are like, oh, well, Prince had only green M&Ms because he wants, you know, whatever the fuck. You hear all these stories and shit. Some guys get, like I heard TJ Miller gets a fucking, he has, quote, unquote, a sloppy turkey sandwich or some shit. I got basic shit in mind.

I got club soda, Tabasco sauce, fucking salmon, and, oh, a toothbrush with toothpaste because I'm like that. Sometimes I just think I got to brush my teeth. I can't do anything until I brush my teeth. I'm a crazy motherfucker. Okay, so I have the toothpaste and the toothbrush in my rider. toothpaste and the toothbrush in my rider and my opener mike uh always steals it from me because he likes to be like oh well i like to take it and bring it back and my roommates we all got fucking toothpaste and toothbrushes out the wazoo and i'm like dude i like to keep them don't steal them from me they're fucking mine okay now the the this theater in Reading decided to also get me dental floss.

All right? Now, god damn, this story has so many layers. It's like a fucking horror movie. So back up. Months ago, Mike, my opener, said that my AirPods, he hates them because he always thinks that they're dental floss. So as a joke, I went online to see if they sell dental floss stickers, and they do. And I bought them, and I put them on my AirPod things. So they looked like dental floss. It looked more like dental floss because it said AirPod dental floss.

It was like a cute thing that somebody made on fucking Pinterest. It was the only thing I ever fucking saw on Pinterest. So, by the way, Pinterest, stop fucking emailing me every week. I don't have you. All right? So, now I have the AirPods. And I have the Air... And I have this toothpaste and toothbrush and floss in my rider,

and I take it because I don't want him to fucking take it, and I put it in my hotel room. Now, as I'm leaving Reading, I'm getting all my shit together, and I'm like, oh, fuck this dental floss, and I put the Glide dental floss on the bathroom counter and I take the fucking toothpaste and I take the toothbrush. And I put it in my bag. And then I realize this now, but I subconsciously see the AirPods also, not in the bathroom, but in the – and I subconsciously feel that those are the

that that's the the dental floss that i'm leaving okay so as i'm leaving reading going to the airport i realized mother fuck not only did i leave the dental floss but i also left my air pods i'm not going back because i'm already at the airport almost and it's like an hour away. So now this is only my fault. I realize that. But secretly, I also think that it is the first of all, I asked for toothpaste and a toothbrush. I did not ask for dental floss. So I want to blame the venue. I'm mad now at the venue for giving me dental floss because I think, well, if they didn't give me the fucking dental floss,

I would still have my AirPods on me. I wouldn't subconsciously thought that there was the dental floss. So I'm genuinely angry at the venue and I'm like getting pissed off. I'm like this fucking venue trying to help too much. Just give me the fucking toothpaste and the toothbrush. That's all I want. Why give me fucking, I didn't ask for it. Right. And I'm getting angry. And then I think, you know what? It's also fucking Mike's fault because this motherfucker always tries to steal my toothpaste and shit. And I had to make sure and keep it. And because I took it back, I probably would have forgot it if it wasn't for him because I wanted him to not have it. So I wouldn't have thought it was the dental floss in my hotel room and i would have had the airpods

on me not only that i wouldn't even have got the airpod sticker if it wasn't for mike getting all pissed off because he thought that the dent that the fucking airpods were dental floss so i'm like fuck him he made me get the sticker he made me make it think it was dental floss and now subconsciously i thought it was dental floss and in my head even though it's my fault and i know it deep down secretly it's the venue's fault and it's mike's fault that i lost those and both of those motherfuckers owe me new airpods are 150 and that's how i do it and that's how i fucking do it dude and that's a huge problem with me that's a shortcoming but also fuck these motherfuckers dude i need to fuck their...

You know what I need to do is fuck their bitches. That's what I need to do. I need to find out who fucking started... I need to fart out. I need to fart out. I need to find out who fucking said... Whose idea it was, who the runner was to get me my toothpaste and toothbrush and reading. And I need to fucking roll up on their crib and fuck their bitch dude that's right you try to give me some fucking flossing some some dental floss

and then i gotta go to mike's house and i have to wait till he gets a girlfriend and then fuck his bitch dude I gotta fuck their bitches dude For making me lose my airpods Gotta fuck their bitches Tupac laughs like my uncle Richard Period My uncle Richard laughs like this And Tupac laughs like this And me and my brother always say That Tupac laughs like My uncle Richard laughs like this. And Tupac laughs like this.

And me and my brother always say that Tupac laughs like my uncle Richard. And that's it. Case closed. My hand's a pod now. Yeah, dude, I lost, I lost those AirPods and it's all my fucking openers faults.

And the, and the, I do that though, dude. And that's a shortcoming and I know it. I want nothing to be my, I swear to God, I could spill soda and alone and be like, well, fucking for fuck's sake, man, why'd they

make this table like this? It's true. You think that I'm like that? Yeah. One fire coming in with some fucking hot shit. Like he's not one fire, dude. Let me tell you what one fire is also at life. One fire is not only one fire here. One fire is one fire at life. He forgot his glasses and he's wearing prescription sunglasses like a fucking black guy at a nightclub. That's what he's doing right now. He's wearing, he's wearing fucking sunglasses indoors. Like his name is Sergio and he's a black guy at a nightclub, dude. How much would a black guy named Sergio wear nightwear fucking sunglasses at a nightclub, dude?

Fuck that. Fucking. fucking sunglasses at a nightclub dude fuck that's fucking by the way the video podcast is gonna work this week Ivan Getrid have fucked that up so hard man and it's all good dude we're gonna have fuck-ups we're gonna have you know but I'll tell you who's never gonna have a fuck-up me because it's always everyone else's fault it's always everyone else's fault man oh dude everybody is sending me dms and snapchats and shit and all the shit about fucking people and they're all going i didn't realize that that was going to be such a hit dude the the the robots the hydraulics, bro? Forget it.

I was thinking about robots actually, though. I wonder. I think what is going to happen when we have robots is that people are going to become more assholes. They're going to become more actual pieces of shit. Because what's going to happen is we're going to have robots that work for us and we're going to we're not going to be polite to robots we're not going to be polite to them robots are going to be like would you like a turkey sandwich and we're going to be like yeah make me a fucking turkey sandwich do it bot head or whatever the the slang is the racist slang is for robots you know

do it fucking tin face yes yes acquirer mayonnaise acquirer turkey acquirire rye. Here's your turkey sandwich.

Thanks, tin head. Fuck boy, bot face. And my point is you're not going to be polite. You're not going to say yes, please, or thank you to robots. You're going to be like, cool, yeah, that's what I want. Come on, hurry up, bot. So you're going to become this more kind of privileged piece of shit. And then it's going to bleed over into real life for sure.

There's no way. You're going to be at a restaurant and people who aren't robots, they're actual humans, they're going to be like, where's my fucking turkey sandwich? You're going to adopt that and it's going to be like that in real life. And it's going to fuck up the world because of that now my point my question is do you think because i think that we should i think about being polite to robots i think that we should be polite to robots because i realize thinking about this being polite to being polite to robots because I realized thinking about this, being polite to rope, being polite to someone isn't necessarily for someone else.

It's for you, dude. It's for you to make sure and keep you in check and keep you as a nice person. And I think that because of that, we need to still be polite when we start to have an AI. Wow. Thank you so much, bot. That really felt good.

Thank you for that massage. You're welcome. Not, hey, that massage, cool. Now make me my fucking turkey sandwich. Because it's going to bleed over into real life, and then we're going to be such motherfuckers, and everyone's going to kill each other. That's what I think is going to happen.

Because otherwise, if you're shitty to robots, I guess what's going to happen, robots are going to start each other. That's what I think is going to happen. Because otherwise, if you're shitty to robots, that's what's going to happen. Robots are going to start playing this shit. This is robots right here dancing at the club, doing the robot. Robots.

We taking over one we taking over one city at a time one city at a time um i don't know man it's weird how much i i love music on this podcast, even though how much I don't. Oh, that's cool. Even though how much I don't like the music. Look at this baby Akon. So Kanye came out with the album. And then B.O.B. Who was the other guy? Kid Cudi. I don't know who's who anymore uh and everyone

dude let me just imagine going to a fucking first of all imagine flying to a listening party. Ah. Dude, no. Concert? Sure. Now, Daddy doesn't like concerts, but gets it. You like concerts? You cuda? Go. Everyone has a little bit of cuda in them.

A listening party? Hey, jump off a boat and let the boat leave. Starve in the ocean or get eaten by sharks. That's all. That's what I need you to do. Dude, did you go to a listening party? I just need you to take a flight to the desert in Africa. Or the jungle. No, the jungle in Africa. Take a flight to Africa. Then get on one of those fucking half-car, half-jeeps.

Drive out into the jungle of Africa. And tell the other person who drove that half-car, half-jeep to leave. And then either starve to death or get mauled by lions okay come on dude a listening party are you a fucking person wait till it comes out by the way comes out the next day comes out that day i don't know flying all over the place to go listen to fucking music with kim kardashian uh is this a dream that's a dream i mean i don't mean in a good way that's just like like yeah last night i fucking flew to wyoming and like kim kardashian was there and we were listening to fucking uh the new kanye west album that was that was uh that around a bonfire. Oh, dude, this is the... Hey, this is Earth.

Dude, this isn't fucking... This isn't a dream. This is Earth. I mean, what are you doing, dude? Imagine fucking packing up a backpack and a suitcase to go and listen to a CD. Dude, the other day, Mike, my opener said, a CD.

He said, oh, man, it's a good CD. And we fucking roasted him for it. Like it's 1992. Oh, it's a CD? You fucking dumb shit. Dude, if I ever am at a listening party, saw my fucking nuts off. Saw my nuts off. Hey, dude, Chris D'Elia here.

If you ever catch me at a listening party, saw my nuts off. I fucking fucked it up. The thing doesn't start over. Goddamn fucking soundboard shit. Fuck this intern, dude. God. Fuck it. I know.

Juan Fire says, it'll be better next week. He'll still be fucking looking like Ray Charles with his fucking sunglasses indoors like a guy named Sergio at a nightclub

so funny to think about a guy named Sergio at a nightclub dude there isn't somebody who would be more at a nightclub than a guy named Sergio what is that name anyway

is it Russian what the fuck is it Sergio that could be anything you could tell me it's south american you could tell me it's from fucking penguins came up with it in antarctica spanish you could tell me it's anything dude you could be like sergio was made in the fucking swiss alps you could tell me that name could be originated anywhere. Ancient Roman corset is, isn't everything? By the way, I was like fucking 35

before I realized that the movie Gladiator, they didn't speak English back then, like in that time. And I was like, what kind of bitch ass shit is this? Make it in the real language. I know it's movies and you can take liberties, but still, dude. One of the things that bothers me the most is when people say like oh the movie is so good because it's so realistic oh shut the fuck up dude shut up that's not what makes a good movie

because it's realistic some of the greatest filmmakers of all time they don't make realistic movies my favorite living director david lynch never made a real movie in his fucking life dude stanley kubrick not real at all uh felini not real the only person that i love one of my favorite directors of all time john cassavetes and that shit was a lot of real shit but dude it doesn't mean it's so realistic and then they take movies that aren't supposed to be realistic and they're like oh they made it realistic like that's a good mark of what uh's a good mark of what a good movie is. Like, oh, yeah, I loved Batman because it was realistic. Oh, yeah, it's about a superhero with a cape

that has gadgets that aren't invented and won't be invented until the year 3012. Therefore, oh, really? Oh, the horror movie was so good because it was realistic? Oh, really? Nah. Make a horror movie like a horror movie was so good because it was realistic. Oh, really? Nah. Make a horror movie like a horror movie. Make a horror movie like a horror movie, dude.

Right? Gung. Speaking of horror. Well, you know what? I'm going to fucking actually do these ads here. You guys listen because you're real babies here we go postmates ah love it as usual your stomach and the rest of your life are at war you need to eat but you can't stop doing what you're doing to deal with it and

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Of course, when you download the Cash App and enter rewards code congrats, $5 goes to you and $5 goes to Time's Up Legal Defense Fund. So listen to me. Download the free cash app for iOS or Android now. Oh, man. We got our – oh, by the way, we tried to show you guys the... YouTube plaque last time, but Ivan Getridov messed it all up. So here it is.

There's the plaque for 100,000 subscribers. Very cool. Thanks, YouTube. What's IHOP changed it to International House of Burgers? They just changed their whole shit. Might as well be electronics. Did you see what Wendy's did? They were like, hey, Wendy's, are you nervous about what IHOP?

They sell burgers now? And Wendy's was like, no. This is from the company that thought fucking making pancakes was too hard. Wendy's doesn't fuck around, dude. Dude, who runs Wendy's Twitter? Ja Rule? I was reading about this guy. By the way, Extension.

You know how everyone calls him Extension, the rapper? You know, it's XXXTentacion. That's how you pronounce his name. XXXTentacion. They asked him and he was like, it's actually XXXTentacion. First of all, no. It's extension.

That's it. My hands are tied now. Go to lunch. Alright? That's it. But this guy look they try to separate the music from the artist i get it he's done some awful shit uh apparently you know there's pictures of like his his girlfriend that's just you know there's pictures of like his his girlfriend that's just bludgeoned and like her eyes are red like from bleeding and shit i mean the guy just like beats the shit out of women and like you know i guess it's all alleged at this point but it's like jesus christ women don't really make this stuff up uh not this stuff at least uh so this, this article came out that this intern wrote apparently for,

I don't know what company or, or news source, but she went to his house and just interviewed him. And he was like, yeah, come on in. And the guy's just like such a flaring piece of shit. I had no idea.

And trying to separate the artist from the music, the music, I listened to some of his music because I wanted to see what the fucking hype was about. And it's really good, dude. And it sucks that like, it's weird. Like I always thought like as an artist, you know, like you own half the shit you create

because you create it and then the audience takes what they take from it. You know, but it's fucking, it's crazy because they tried to pull it from spotify and then but but he wasn't convicted or anything so i think they put it back but like his fans went to war for him like they showed up at the girl he beats work and like we're being like threatening and creepy to her and it's just awful it's awful it's what it's what's wrong with the world now with the internet and then and then we're glorifying these fucking idiotic rappers but there is feeling and emotion behind his songs and it's not just

about you know money and cars and shit it's just weird but people are like well what do we do do we do we do we make it so we can't listen to his music no well i think what you do is you make first of all you convict him of these fucking crimes and then you and then you you know you're not allowed to i don't care if you're good at making music you don't get to do that if those are the things that you do you know like you don't like what's his name uh uh harvey weinstein doesn't get to produce movies now that's just because he well isn't he going to jail i don't know if he's going to jail or not yet but uh but man that that article fucked me i mean the shit that he did was just like crazy like stuff that you were like oh that's that it was worse than anything you've read about guys like that too um anyway i don't know what

the we'll fucking send the link out on the on the congratulations podcast twitter maybe but i don't know what it is uh but i'll find out and uh another thing that happened in the world was the Miss America eliminated posing. No, eliminated, sorry, swimsuit thing, which is like a fucking joke. And women are like, yeah yeah but you can still watch you could still see that stuff if you want to just not on that nobody watched miss america for anything but that women too okay guys watched it for pervy reasons and girls watched it because they wanted to see their girl's body. Okay? You wanted to see how Miss Atlanta looked in a fucking swimsuit.

Or Miss Vermont, you know? And then I put out a tweet that was like, hey, that's like when weightlifters, you eliminate, let's eliminate, wait, what did I say? Something about, I forget what I said. It was kind of fine, though.

It was no groundbreaking shit, but it was, oh, but there it is. No, but it wasn't that one. It was Miss America eliminated the swimsuit competition. Jesus, that's fucking hilarious. That's like weightlifters eliminating posing in their competitions. Fuck you, whiny motherfuckers. Now, everyone was like, it's weightlifting.

You do weightlifting. You know I meant bodybuilding, you fucking idiots. Let's stop policing. But... Yeah, dude. Like... bodybuilding you fucking idiots let's stop policing but um yeah dude like do something else that matters it's like why were we why for a second were we ever pretending like personalities mattered on the fucking miss america shit they did a little bit uh but all those ants the personality let me tell you something when you ask those questions and their personality and they're given the answers that's more idiotic than them just posing in bikinis they all give the same fucking generic answers about world peace and helping children.

They don't even mean it. They're just saying dumb shit that's contrived and regurgitated. Put on a fucking swimsuit and prance around. This whole thing is fucking idiotic. And I know it sounds sexist, but the whole fucking thing is sexist. Period. It's sexist without the fucking swimsuit. It's stupid as shit. The whole thing is dumb as shit.

Doesn't Donald Trump fucking have something to do with it anyway? One of them. What's the universe? It's like the whole thing's fucking stupid, dude. The whole thing's stupid. Let's try to act. Let's not act like you're making it better when the whole thing is stupid. The whole fucking thing is stupid.

Are you going to eliminate the swimsuits? Oh, cool. Much better now. Thank God. That's like McDonald's having vegan options. Just be McDonald's. Just be fucking McDonald's. Let me get cancer.

Here. That's it. Oh, you know. I just think that that's ridiculous. And the whole world does. And anybody who's acting like they don't, you're a holier-than-thou male feminist trying to fuck a girl. That's what you're trying to do. Oh, good. But they don't have, yeah, this is one step.

It's not one step to anything except idiocy. I don't know, man. Look, maybe I'm fucking completely wrong. However, no. You know, that's a mcdonald's when mcdonald's has mcdonald's probably does have vegan options i'll i'll fucking i'll kill myself when mcdonald's has vegan options uh i don't know I just think

it's just I know we can only make we can only help we can only do what we do to make things better like it's not like like people are like it's like

oh yeah people are like, it's like, oh, yeah, people are like, oh, you know, people are starving out there. What are you doing to help? Yeah, I get it. I'm not doing anything to help that. And I guess I'm maybe a piece of shit and I just talk about it. And, you know, I'm a comedian. And how does that help i guess but like also it seems silly to eliminate somehow it seems silly to me to eliminate

the the swimsuit competition part of the miss America thing when like cops are like beating the shit out of people unjustly even though one doesn't have anything to do with the other these whiny fucking these whiny fucking liberals dude are are just fucking everything you're not even the left anymore you're the right dude oh we can't say this we can't do that you're the right that has that is the right that's conservative now you know, college is saying like, oh, well, you can't say this. You can't do that. We can't have this speaker. We can't have that speaker.

Feelings. Fuck your feelings, dude. Fuck your, fuck your feelings, man. For real. Like, like like yo uh it's not it's uh judy gold was saying it's not the you have to you have to worry about your feelings it's not the world that needs to change for you you egotistical motherfuckers dude oh that hurts your feelings dude and by the way

by the way when you say oh we need to change this because it hurts asians we're treating asians like they're fucking babies dude they can handle it you're supposing that they can't handle it themselves when you put a rule like oh we can't say this in front of them you can't handle it themselves. When you put a rule like, oh, we can't say this in front of them. You can't say that in front of blacks. You can't do this because it hurts black people's feelings. It hurts Asians' feelings. It hurts fucking gays' feelings.

Dude, they're grown adults. They can handle it. You fucking liberal, white, whiny fuckhead. It's not your job to babysit. Live your fucking life. Be a good person. And don't beat the shit out of anybody.

Don't beat the shit out of anybody. Don't rape anybody. Don't grab anyone by their pussy. And just eat lunch, eat dinner, go to to work and go to sleep and have family time don't touch anybody on their fucking privates don't fuck anyone when they don't want to and don't beat the shit out anybody no matter what color they are but stop stop dude i saw all these fucking you know I get genders on a sliding scale.

But let's just stop it somewhere, dude. Let's relax somewhere, man. I was on this thread on Twitter that was like, here are all the genders. And then at the end it was like, these are just some of them. Remember, there are billions of genders and then the one person and then the and then at the end it was like these are just some of them remember there are billions of genders hey dude the only thing that there are billions of are billions of hairs on top of neil digress tyson's head there's not billions of genders okay there's some i don't even know how many there are who knows people say no there's two that's it all right i don't know you know there's 10 all right whatever guess what i don't even really give a fuck but let's stop babysitting everybody else if there's billions of genders

all right i don't give a shit fine if you want to identify as right. I don't give a shit. Fine. If you want to identify as a lizard, I don't give a shit. I don't care. But guess what? I'm going to make fun of you. Just like I'm going to make fun of every other thing. I don't give a shit. And you're not going to fucking stop me from doing it. Stop.

Relax. Chill. You can identify as a fucking cloud, but I'm going to make, and I can make fun of it. And that's it. And you're not going to cry about it. You're not going to cry about it. Or you are, but I'm not going to give a shit. Remember, there's billions of genders.

Remember, there's billions of fuck yous. No. Everyone's got to have a flag. You know what I mean this is the I identify as a popsicle flag I don't know man it's not about I say this all the time

it's not about what you say it's about who you are everyone's getting in trouble for what the fuck they're saying dude eliminating the swimsuit everyone's getting in trouble for what the fuck they're saying, dude. Eliminating the swimsuit competition is not the answer. Oh, we did a good thing. We made it better.

We're progressing. We're not progressing, dude. This is not progression. This is going backwards. You think that this shit didn't already happen fucking thousands of years ago like everything is also dude i was reading this book and it was about how everything sexual is always okay and not okay in the world at some point in history like like gay sex is forbidden in certain parts of the world but also it's the way to be in other parts of the world. And everything always changes.

Like thousands of years ago in fucking whatever, Mesopotamia or Greece or wherever the fuck, it was celebrated. And now in that part of the world, it's outlawed. celebrated and now in that part of the world it's outlawed it's and and and it always changes constantly no matter where the fuck you are in what time period you are so it's like i guess what i'm trying to say is just you know relax and one fire google's history of homosexuality you know like that's gonna that's gonna figure it out but it's oh it's it's like i don't remember the point i was trying to make because it was too i got i got i got i got way i started talking about shit that i don't know about but like it's the truth. Like, it's just how I'm getting a headache.

How can we be so, I just stop telling people they can't do shit. Stop telling people they can't do shit. That's what it boils down to. Stop making it. So people can't do shit. Stop telling people they can't do shit. That's what it boils down to. Stop making it so people can't do shit, period. We shouldn't be in charge of and policing and babysitting who people can fuck and who they can't fuck. And we shouldn't be policing or babysitting people who get their feelings hurt. And we shouldn't make rules about how we can't say this we can't say that that's it otherwise we're all the right i don't know if there's some sort of left universal left i guess that's what everybody kind of thinks they want but that idea is different for everybody so we're

fucked so there's no universal left so when it comes down to don't tell people what they can and can't do period of course we need laws religion ends up fucking everything up because oh yeah but i'm in my religion there's no gay sex well you're a fucking problem then dude you're a fucking problem don't fuck anyone don't fuck a guy if you don't want to fuck a guy but this i mean i'm not saying anything that i'm fucking i mean any smart person doesn't know already but whatever just i guess when it comes down to girls stop women stop referring to your tits as the girls that's so annoying that's what it all comes down to. Stop calling, hey, how do the girls look? No, you're a fucking sad housewife.

Hey. I don't know. I'm so sweaty and so hot. It's so hot in this fucking Congratulations Studios. The girls, dude, you know? Hey, how do the girls look in this top? Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't have anything else to say, dude. I have nothing. I'm done. I don't want to fucking. It's like this. High five. I'm done.

I don't want to fucking. It's like this. High five. I'm just trying to get people to come to my fucking shows. That's it. You know, dude. Like, that's what I want. And so I have this podcast where I talk shit.

And it's like, some of you guys show up and you say bits from the podcast. I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about, dude. This shit is a. This is a magic carpet flum flum flum flum flum This shit is a magic carpet ride. Who made that shit? Steppenwolf? Yep. What? Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun

What am I trying to do? Magic carpet ride. Whoops. Magic. What's the magic carpet ride one? Whoops. Magic. What's the magic carpet ride one? I don't know.

See, he doesn't know. One fire, dude. Oh, making it up. He's just going magic carpet ride. Magic carpet ride. Oh, yeah, you are, dude. You know what, dude? It's it, man.

This is falling off the rails. It's okay. I'm sweating my fucking ass off and I want to be done dude i'll tell you what uh oh let's do twitter questions do we have that we have a couple dude um hey chris d'alia oh there's a good one the log cabin from congrats log cabin hey chris d'alia do you find it hard to stay motivated doing podcasts without the benefit of having the same instant gratification stand-up provides first of all sir robot um yeah i uh no i i don't know i mean i guess i got the two one i got ivan and juan here so they they you know but no i would i do this because i do what i think is funny i

realize when i'm on stage too i talk about it like i do stuff that i think is funny. I realize when I'm on stage too, I talk about it like I do stuff that I think is funny and the audience happens to laugh and that's great. But I think ultimately it comes from me anyway, what I think is funny. So it works without it, but it is a little, I don't know. Sometimes I like it in a different way than stand up because I like to do, I like to talk about what I want to talk about, and I know there are no punchlines, so I could just be free, I guess, and I do that in stand-up as well, too, but I always have that, those punchlines to fall back on, so good question. Okay, no

I don't like when people get cute like this Here's this look Do you like olives and pickles? I must know No, you don't, you're just trying to be cute Fuck out of here You should know I don't like that kind of shit Oh, here we go

That's a good one What do you think about people that say me three After someone says me two Yeah, you know what I think about that, dude. Me three, you're a school teacher if you do that. You're a fucking school teacher. Go shopping. Get the fuck out of here.

Everybody was talking about everyone's feeling. My friend was saying he feels bad for LeBron, dude, because he didn't win the fucking. Shut up, dude. LeBron does fine. LeBron's happy lebron lost and it's fine he is he the greatest of all time yeah maybe um what else any other questions questions so ihop is just gonna change that shit, huh? That's the ultimate fucking... Eh, change it. That's the ultimate fucking...

Eh, change it. But why, I wonder? They must be hurting. They must have to rebrand. They changed their P to a B. That's some... What? Yeah, people don't give a fuck about pancakes,

but IHOP has stuff. People know, but it's all about... See, we're idiots, dude. We see that pancake and we're but people know but it's all about we're idiots dude we see that pancake and we're like oh it's got pancakes no i probably do that people don't don't rush for pancakes but they must have back then when it started but people are more health conscious i feel like maybe is that what it is but the burgers that they have are going to be trash too they yeah they probably didn't add anything they probably just fucking have literally the same shit but changed to a b and now people are going to go because they think they're healthy and still

die of cancer oh um that's a good rebranding though i was trying to think of different rebranding things that happened like you know what was such a good branding thing was the most interesting man in the world. Nobody knew what the fuck Dos Equis was until that guy came along. And that shit was good. That was perfect for like when the internet was coming up and like that shit. It was like most interesting man in the world. Killed it. Anything else?

No? All right. We're going to end this here. I got shows. Square Cash. Check out the new Boost Rewards program. Get the Cash app. Enter rewards code.

Congrats. Get $5. Give $5 to Time's Up and get it for iOS or Android now. That's Square Cash. Go download that. And while you're downloading that, download the Crystalia app so you can see the first 10 minutes of this podcast when we go live. Follow the Leader. Tickets on sale at crystalia.com.

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download the Crystalia app. We said that and rate and subscribe this show. It really helps. Man on fire, incorrigible white male, black comic. You can watch it, like it,

rewatch it, whatever the fuck. And thank you for listening. We've got that alone together show coming out soon i'm on a bunch of episodes of that so check that out that's on the freeform network uh so thank you guys and uh you guys are the best uh thank you sayonara Congratulations! Congratulations motherfucking Bob, you damn fucking bastard! Congratulations motherfucking Bob, you damn fucking bastard!