Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 73. Lil Monopoly Piece

Episode Date: June 19, 2018

It's the 73rd episode! On today's show, Chris talks about being XXXTentacion. Also discussed: camping, parasols, Lil Tay, being genuine when dating, Hugh Grant, Nicolas Cage, and Daddy's sweaty chest. Plus, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Travel better with Air Canada. You can enjoy free beer, wine, and premium snacks in economy class. Now extended to flights within Canada and the U.S. Cheers to taking off this summer. More details at AirCanada.com. This episode of congratulations is brought to you by the Cash App. All the babies use the Cash App. I'm telling you, it's probably why it's the number one finance app in the App Store, because it is. Do you know that?

And now the Cash Card is more powerful than ever with the Cash App's latest feature, Cash Boost. Download the Cash App, get get your free cash card and select your boost save money when you swipe on stuff like coffee chipotle shake shack and more download the free cash app for ios or android now Hey guys, what's up? Congratulations, Epitode. Epitode? Is it Epitode or is it Episode? Because I said Epitode and normally I don't fuck up that early, but I believe the word

is Episode. Episode. So, yeah, it is Episode 73 or epitode 73, however you want to say it, whether or not you're a fuck up. But and I'm this is it. Episode 73. We're getting so close to 100. And when we get to 100, who knows what knows what we're gonna do maybe we'll just have a fucking big orgy right here and a big audio orgy just a bunch of dudes and chicks just doing all the sorts of stuff you know um i am yesterday i didn't record because i had a sore throat now that's definitely some bitch to not record because you have a sore throat, but also just kind of wanted to chill. I didn't feel good. And now today, of course, I woke up and I'm stuffy as hell. I always get stuffy after I get sick, but I wasn't even really sick. You

know, I'm not going to let that, I'm not going to let people, I'm not going to let the sickness have me saying I'm, I'm, I'm sick. I was just chilling. But I didn't have... You know what's weird is I was thinking about this is... You know, you can... Like, I don't know. My whole goal here on this... Well, one of the goals is to just be happy, right? And happiness isn't having things.

Happiness isn't... Happiness is nothing but a feeling, you know? And some days you wake up and you're good to go for no reason. Some days you wake up and you're just like, here we go, motherfuckers, for no reason. It's going to be a bright, bright, sunshiny day. And that's playing, right? It's going to be a bright, bright, sunshiny day. And that's playing, right? It's going to be a bright. And you just fucking are killing it, dude. And you'd walk down the street and for no reason, just feeling it, dude.

Right? For no fucking reason. And you're just having a good day and then you go do your shit right and then and then literally the next day you wake up and it's fucking uh some what do you call it song stained song some fucking stained song i woke up two days last week well i woke up every day last week but one day i woke up and i was just bummed as shit dude bummed as shit for no reason for no reason dude have a good life good family great friends money and bank account all the

coffee i could want and i'm squirting whenever I want to. But dude, just was bummed all day. And then woke up, just all day. It sucked. Felt anxious for no reason. Couldn't figure it out. Sometimes you figure it out. You know, you're like, oh, I'm anxious.

Oh, you know why I'm anxious? Because of this. I'm anxious because got girl problems or my check didn't clear Or whatever the fuck it is And the next day I woke up Dude I almost cried for no reason Just like some lonely motherfucker in a stained video Staring at a gaping Like Grand Canyon

With water in it and fucking CGI'd seagulls For no reason What's a stained song right Whatever right? Whatever a Stain song is, it's this. Nail, nail, numbing nail, staring into a canyon with seagulls that are CGI'd. Ray, water and oasis, silhouette, oh skies are blue skies are gray dude i'm i'm tired of everyone acting like music is a bigger deal than it actually fucking is man you know what man we make music such a big fucking big deal, and people love it.

They say, you know what? That's the soundtrack of my life. Oh, eat a dick. It's not the soundtrack of your life. You act an egotistical. You're just a person who goes to work and then goes home and goes eats and goes to bed. You don't have a soundtrack to your life. Know why?

You're not in a fucking Zach Braff movie. Kike. Kike. You're not screaming into an oasis for no reason. Dude, you don't have a soundtrack to your life. You just live life and you play the music you want to play. Like I said in my last special, Man on Flyer. Man on Flyer?

Or Man on Fire? He's fucking up, folks. he's fucking up left and right folks man on flyer epitode 73 man on flyer oh fuck um so so that's that's so that's, so that's, so anyway, you don't have, like I said, like I said, I'm on fire. You get out of the car, you turn off the music, the music stops. It doesn't keep going in your head. Even if you got some shit going on that's popping, it doesn't matter.

You get out the car and you're like, oh, fuck yeah, here we go. And then get out of the car and then you go shopping. And it's done. And you just live a regular life. But my point is, some days are good and some days are bad and I don't know why. And that fucking bugs me, man. It sucks.

Is there anybody out there that just wakes up every day happy as shit? Anyone who tells you that they're like that, if they're not Patch Adams, is a fucking liar. And they deserve to get their bitch fucked. They do. They deserve to fucking get straight up. You know what they deserve, dude.

Don't even make me. I'm telling you. Don't even make me. You say you're happy every fucking day? Don't make me. That you're happy every fucking day don't make me that's right dude it's just it's just not it's not it's not possible those patch items motherfuckers they need to take a hike for real put on a bunch of put on a vest with a bunch of pockets on it and take a fucking hike, dude. Put on some netting, right?

Hikers are always wearing netting bullshit. No matter what. Yeah, we got a net pocket so the water comes out of the net. Really? Stop thinking so hard. Just take a fucking hike, man. I don't get camping. I won't ever get it.

Know why? We built all these walls. Figured out how to make a microwave. You think I'm going back in time? Yeah, right, bro. No way. Fucking get the fuck out of here. I'll tell you, though.

We make music a big deal. And I don't think we should. I think we should footloose, dude, when they're talking about dancing and how there should be no dancing. I get it. Footloose, dude, when they're talking about dancing and how there should be no dancing, I get it. I get it. When that fucking cop flips up Kevin Bacon's driver's license into his fucking chin, that was definitely ad-lib. You could tell by the way Kevin Bacon reacted. But there's a thing where Kevin Bacon gets out of the car and he's playing music and the cop is like, why are you playing music?

And he's like, hey, is there some law against? And the cop goes like this, hey, don't talk to me like that, and flips his ID up into his mouth. And Kevin Bacon, the way he reacted, you know you know that it was was ad-lib and you know the director was like hey cop fucking flip his id up into his fucking kevin bacon face that's how you get real shit i don't like when they do that in movies though when they do real shit like i heard on uh that that denzel washington like straight up punched somebody on John Q. Dude, let me tell you something. Anybody, if any actor, I don't give a fuck who they are,

actually punched me in a rehearsal or some shit, oh my, dude. I'm not even going to punch them back punch him back i'm gonna fuck their bitch that's what i'm gonna do okay i go like this if it happens i get that's my punch okay i go like this all right yeah okay let's do the scene let's get it down let's do it and then i fucking by the way murder the scene i don't care if it's whatever it is I murder the scene because I use the punch because that's what he wanted me to do anyway right okay and then I go and I fucking meet the guy's girl on the internet I dm the I dm the chick after rehearsal and after

shooting and then I fucking go and I meet up with her and we make the fuck out I don't even do it I don't even have you know I don't even have, you know, I don't even have sex with her. I just make out all disrespectful with her. And then she wants it. And I say, no, I can't because I'm better than that. I'm that good. I'll make out with your chick. What the fuck am I even talking about, dude? This podcast is such bullshit. Um, but anyway, what I'm saying is we make music a big deal here i also heard in that movie uh that nicole kidman and tom cruise did it that that bothered dude when when couples do movies that shit is like i'm like oh but it's really them it's like uh it's acting but it's really them it's interesting it's got another layer on it no just get two fucking people to do the thing not that they were both they were both really big stars far and away that's what it

was far and away where where they played irish people and uh and there was one part where tom cruz had a bowl on his dick and nicole kim was supposed to open up the bowl and look at it and react about his dick and there was a cloth covering Tom Cruise's dick but Tom Cruise was like hey man she's my wife why don't I just use a fucking why don't I just you know have no cloth on my dick and see we'll get her we'll get we'll get her real reaction and the director was like and that was the one they that was the one we used classic cinema far and Dude, I love Tom Cruise. I love Nicole Kidman. There isn't a movie I would rather see less than Far and Away.

So much brown in it. Brown walls, brown hair, brown vests, sky's brown. Have different colors in it. Only brown and a little bit of light blue. And that's it. And maybe some pink every now and then, like the cheeks of the chicks and some wallpaper and the most bitch ass hats and 47 boats for sure.

Uh, Oh, and sun and sun time and sun and sunlight umbrellas deal with it. How's that? If you're out in the fucking, uh, if you're out in the fucking uh if you're out in the in the sun deal with it get a hat with a brim on it or that's it no fucking sun sunglasses dude i mean sunglasses are cool but um uh uh umbrellas if shit's not coming down out of the sky fucking put your umbrella

what's that oh it's a fucking one fire is telling me it's called a parasol and i'm no you know what it's called an umbrella that's what it's called parasol the only time you can use a parasol is if you're fucking so Asian or super duper white in the 1860s. If you aren't either one of those, and also if you're Asian and you have this parasol, you better have your white gloves on too. Anyway. Anyway, I'm on my app here and we're talking and i see the comments coming in and you guys are you guys are giving me good comments somebody just wrote fart away okay cool it's cool my fang my fan base is really smart um um and some other person said the movie with tom

cruise and and what's and what's and nicole Cruise and Nicole Kidman was Eyes Wide Shut. Which it is. But also I was talking about Far and Away. So anyway. We make music a big fucking deal is what I'm trying to get at. And what my point is here is music is so much of a big deal that I feel like. Because I saw this. Everyone. because i got to talk about this because everyone's asking me about this and it might must have been because i i i mentioned him on my podcast

um but but maybe not people like what do you feel about xxx tentacion by the way your name change it just be extension all right now i get you died and you got shot and nobody really well not nobody but you know people are like well whatever you did you didn't deserve to get fucking killed that that was fucked up by the way 20 years old shot dead uh apparently he was robbed and in and and and assholes out there just videoing it and putting it online i caught it by mistake i followed this instagram account and it was like and all of a sudden i realized like as i'm scrolling i look at i'm looking at this guy's dead body and i unfollowed that page because like dude where are we at the fact that we have come to the to the point where we're videoing dead bodies and posting them online.

Like just the intrusion of not even privacy but decency. It's just so gross to me. And dude, and it takes a lot to offend me, man. But like posting it and doing it even. posting it and doing it even even if there is a dead body somewhere to even get closer to it is weird as fuck to me let the police deal with it these people were filming the police filming the fucking i didn't want to see that shit and if if that were to happen to me, I wouldn't want people to see it for fucking, for me. It's just sad. And, you know, did the kid deserve to die? No, obviously.

It takes a lot for somebody to deserve to die. Now, but my point is with the music is like, look, he did make good music. You can't, you know, I liked his, I thought his music was really good. It was different. it was soulful it made me feel shit you know and all that what the guy's personal life was fucking terrible i mean he beat the shit out of a pregnant lady and uh a pregnant girl that he was um you know and this is all her her saying it in her account but these accounts were so specific and shit that um it's hard to not believe it but he ran into a lot of trouble and in his life he was a troubled troubled kid and uh so now

before he died everyone was like oh fuck this. He doesn't deserve to be doing concerts and shit. He doesn't deserve to be making art and this and that. He's a criminal. And now that he died, everybody online is touting him like the next fucking Tupac. And it's like, I know there were these fucking people out there that were just like, oh, he's a terrible person. And then when he dies, like, oh, I can't wait to fire this tweet out. RIP XXX tentacion. Nah, man. Bury yourself. Dude, get out of here. That's so annoying, dude. People who weren't even fans of them are just like, oh, man, just heard his music, what a shame.

You don't even know what you're talking about, dude. You don't know what you're talking about. I mean, look. People were like, oh, imagine, imagine Chris Hardwick died tomorrow they would just be like yeah well isn't it weird the fucking like i feel like music or hip-hop it's hip-hop or whatever the fuck it is but it's like i was talking to my buddy. We were talking – I was talking to my buddy about this.

And I don't know if he'd want me to even say his name on my podcast because what I'm talking about is – but whatever. It is a touchy subject. But he was like, dude, it's like it matters more when women give a shit about the stuff like women are women obviously obviously girls girls like hip-hop but like athletes they get away with beating the shit out of people and it's playing the nfl but women don't give a shit about sports generally i know obviously there are some women that care about it but like but like so so they get away with it but the fact that some of the like when you're in the zeitgeist or whatever like you know if you're in the comedy world or the acting world or the production it's like so many women give a shit about that so

we demonize all these guys that are in those in that life because of the me too thing but not these football players it's fucking insane dude there has to be a standard there has to be a standard and that's it and you know uh look it's like are we going to believe women or not that's the thing are we gonna fucking believe women or not because if we are then how are you gonna act like oh you know such a shame that xxx tentacion got got got got what was coming to him well then you don't believe the fucking girl that said he put a fucking fork in her vagina okay then you don't believe that girl i mean who who this is a fucking touchy thing to talk about but like this kid who made great art was a piece of shit that's it whether he's dead or alive that's what it was okay um yeah you know he didn't deserve to die I think

did he deserve to thrive off of his career not if all that shit's true what that girl's saying and if we're gonna believe women you gotta go to fucking jail for that but he wasn't gonna go to jail there's no fucking way there's no way he was gonna go to jail dude there's no way

it's weird, dude. It's weird what people pretend to care about and then let slide. It's so fucking weird. How could you let that slide? Maybe guys fuck themselves when they act like... Because there's creeps out there that are feminists too, man. And they just use that. I mean, I think most of the male feminists are probably like that. They use that because they're like, oh, I can hide behind this and everyone will think I'm a good guy, but really you go out and you have a fucking abusive relationship with a girl.

People hate fake shit. And they can't wait to get you on some shit. That's why politicians fall so fucking easy. You know, that's, it's, it's, um, it's like, if you're, it's almost like if you're a scumbag, you're impenetrable. If you're a known scumbag. What was it? I don't know. Anyway, let's talk about something lighter, I guess, dude. Anyway, you know, people are like, rest in peace or whatever, but you're just going to... People say rest in peace to...

Do you rest in peace or are you just dead? I guess it's peace if you're not doing anything i uh the culture that we live in where people are just trying to expose everyone is hilarious and then and then and then how about this when we when when i who i just found out who that Lil Tay was, that little Asian girl who was like, I got money. I'm nine. I got all these cars and houses. Apparently, her mom was a realtor and just videoing her in different houses that she was trying to sell.

And they found her footage of Lil Tay not doing that stuff. And everyone was like, oh, see, we told you it was all an act. doing that stuff and everyone was like oh see we told you it was all an act hey dude if you thought who looks at this little tay shit and is like oh i gotta figure out if that's an act or not what what are you what are you what are you talking about she's nine it's an act she's being coached obviously how do you fall for some stupid shit like that little Tay is an act because she's nine and no nine-year-olds have a bunch of different houses and stacks and racks and racks

and stacks of money, dude. She's not somebody. She's fucking nine years old. How do you just start out with money? She doesn't have a job. She makes no money. Stop people like Lil Tay exposed. No, she wasn't exposed you know who's

exposed you because you're a fucking idiot and an ignoramus for believing the fact that she was really doing that shit i'm little tay i got more money than you you ain't shit i got cars no you don't no you don't no you don't no you're not you're not even little tay your name's fucking jen or some shit how the fuck can people be so stupid to be like, oh, I gotta click on this, I knew she was fake, see, look at that, ah, she's fake, I knew it, look at her crack, that's not her character, no shit, she wasn't exposed, you were, you were exposed for being a fucking dumbass motherfucker, that's what you were, I just, I just...

Lil Tay. Lil. Why is everybody Lil? Lil Baby. I just heard a song from Drake and Lil Baby. I don't know if it's new or not, but Lil Baby. You don't have to be Lil Baby. You can just be Baby. You know why? A baby is already Lil. That's like calling yourself fucking Lil Monopoly piece.

Yo, what up? It's Lil Monopoly piece. We passing go. Collected $200, motherfucker. What we do? Pass go 47 times because we're making this money little monopoly piece eh eh that's who i want to be if my rap i was a rapper well monopoly piece um but yeah you can't expose something that's like exposing Lil Tay for being not who she said she was is like exposing me as being as having a fucking penis. I got one.

Got hair on my face. My man. You unzip my pants. There's a penis. Not everyone's gonna be like, oh, I fucking told you he was a dude. Told you he had feet. Look, he took his shoes off. There they are,

ten toes and all. That's so weird, dude. We just can't... If you're going to demonize, you know, Hardwick, you got to demonize XXXTentacion as well. I'm not taking away from the guy's music. Look, you know, I mean, and also, I mean,

look, At Midnight was a fucking fun show to do um yeah it's like that roseanne thing they took it down and fucking it's like everyone's out of work it's a fucking weird weird weird fucking time man this internet it's just fucking making everything quote unquote right on the liberal side but it's like also you're fucking crybabies as well so we're going we're letting a pendulum swing way too far on one way um anyway i'm going to read these ads quip uh when you walk down the toothbrush aisle at the store it doesn't take too long to realize there are lots of options. And many of them are gimmicks. The truth is you really just need something that guides the simple habits most of us get wrong when brushing our teeth.

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you'll get your first refill pack free with a Quip electric toothbrush. That's your first refill pack free at getquip.com slash congrats. Spell G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash congrats. Square Cash. Hi, guys. If you haven't heard, we are switching to the Cash App. By now, you know it's the number one ranked app in finance and lets you do the most with your money. Whether you want to pay people back, buy and sell Bitcoin, deposit your paycheck right into the app, or order a free custom cash card to spend everywhere you like.

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You can make it yourself the way you want to do it. And of course, when you download the cash app and enter rewards codes, congrats, uh, $5 goes to you and $5 goes to Time's Up Legal Defense Fund. Download the free cash app for iOS or Android now. Now I'm not going to be a faker. I'm sweating my fucking balls off. And that's what's happening. I got sweat dripping down my burly, hairy chest onto my midsection. Now, if I had my shirt off, which is camouflage, and you can see on the video podcast, if I had my shirt off, I'd be naturally sexy as

shit because all of those beads of sweat are fucking cascading down from my burly tit like chest and fucking bumping over like it's a like it's a black diamond ski course on my fucking eight pack. That's what's happening hands down now why is it so sexy besides that say you're not a fan of the fucking titted chest i got and my fucking mogul black diamond fucking uh uh ski course okay where is it all going? It's fucking running plush into my wiry pubes. Now that's beautiful to have your sweat. Now say what you want.

And I don't mean to make the housewives go crazy, but I've got my fucking burly chest producing beautiful, beautiful beads of sweat cascading. We have for a limited time, beautiful beads of sweat bubbling up on a tit like chest. running down over a black diamond, white powdered, advanced mogul skate course until it runs plush into wiry, ill-trimmed pubes, making them wet. Now, we're offering you these beads of sweat not... We're not going to offer them for we're not going to offer them for $200 we are not going to offer these beautiful sweat filled

beads shiny sweat filled beads limited edition cascading Shiny sweat-filled beads. Limited edition. Cascading shiny beads. We are not offering them for $120. We are not.

Let me tell you what we're not offering these shiny plush beads that cascade down into wiry pubes for. We are not offering them for $80. We are not offering them for $70. Can we go lower? We're going to go. You know what? They're telling me not to go lower. I'm going to go lower.

We are not ordering. Look, these beads. Do we have any left? We've got a few left. We are not offering these beautiful human sweat-filled beads. They always end on a sharp note. Sweat-filled beads. They always end on a sharp note.

Sweat-filled beads. Just say sweat-filled beads. But they don't do that. We are beautiful sweat-filled beads for $20. We're not. We're not. Could we give them? We're not.

We are offering them right now 12 a dozen limited edition shiny sweat-filled human beads running over an advanced diamond, cocaine white, beige, 8-pack, abdomen ski course, triple diamond, as they run plush into electrical-looking, wiry, tough pubic hairs for $6. Call now. Do we even have any left? We have some left, but they're going. Let's move on to the next thing. We're serving taints. We've cut taints off of people from northern Canada, and we're selling them.

Now, these taints are not. One day, I want to work for one of those guys. And then I want the girl to be like the girl that's... This is what I want. I want the girl to be fucking doing girl that's, I want to, this is what I want, I want the girl to be fucking doing it with the, isn't this nice, look at this little ceramic dolphin, we got a beautiful ceramic dolphin, we're selling these dolphins, they're beautiful, handmade, handcrafted, I want to go like this, I want to go over there, I want to walk over there, I want to get real sexist on her, I want to grab the fucking dolphin with the hand, and brush her with like my fucking shoulder like kind of shoulder checker

checker and i just want to be like give me that give me this bitch and then i want to be like hey we got these fucking dolphins you want to buy a fucking dolphin or what that's it that's it i don't need to describe you can see them you want the fucking dolphin or not if you're in the market for a ceramic dolphin, get the fucking ceramic dolphin. If you don't, I swear to God, dude, if I did that shit,

I think we'd, we'd get a new, like I was thinking this today. If I ran, if I ran me, Chris D'Elia, me, if I ran movies that are coming out,

if I ran their Twitters, I could get them way more. I bet I could get more people in seats. Like take the Gotti movie. That movie. If I ran the Gotti movie that's coming out this weekend, right? If I ran that Twitter account, that's a wrap. I swear to God that movie will make way more money if I ran the Twitter account.

Just based on that fucking PR alone. Hey, go. People will be like, I can't wait to see this Gotti film. I'm thinking about going to see it. I'd write back and retweet. Go fuck yourself we don't need you motherfucker i'm just eating some fucking provolone salami people be like oh shit what is this hey we in the fucking mafia i would just tweet shit like that so disrespectful hey we in the fucking mafia go fuck yourself I'm gonna put two in the back of your fucking head

if somebody says yeah I didn't really like Gotti ah really well I'm putting two in the back of the fuck of your head in the fucking back of your head and then and then people would go see fucking Gotti Twitter we gotta go see that movie what are they fucking insane we have Gotti Twitter? We got to go see that movie. What are they, fucking insane?

We have Gotti tickets. Beautiful, ticketed movie. Yeah. Dude, I need to fucking have a... Now that it's summer, it's so hot in these studios. I need to have a fucking, uh, towel. Like I'm a black comic or some shit. Oh, we got them. Terry Claus.

Uh, yeah, I'm like a fucking, I'm like Cedric, the entertainer. I don't know if he does that. Maybe it's just racist, but I know Leslie Jones does it. So there you go. Um, anyway, fuck. We can't, we can't, uh, you can't, when my, oh yeah, there you go. My buddy, uh, I was talking about child abuse with my buddy and how wrong it is. And it is.

You should never hit your child, I think. By the way, we got these Terry, are they still on the website or no? Uh, yeah. These may be sold out, but yeah. Uh, I'm wiping my fucking midsection with it keeping it oh it's so sexy but i gotta keep it not so i gotta keep it dry i'm sorry guys i gotta keep it dry i know when this gets dry so do your in between your legs but um what was i saying oh yeah here's the child abuse you gotta do you don't hit kids never you never hit yeah. Here's the child abuse you got to do. You don't hit kids. Never. You never hit kids.

And here's the other thing, too. You don't even hit. If you're. You got to wait till your kid's 18 to do anything. Period. Any kind of emotional kind of abuse or punching abuse or whatever. I don't think that moved. Do you want to check?

Did I hit? The pillow may have fucking knocked it. But's what you do if you're a guy uh if i'm a guy if i'm gonna i don't have kids okay and people are always like you sure yeah i'm sure dude that joke is played the fuck out all right i always wrap it up and still pull out but um here's what you do here's how here's the only child abuse that's okay and it's all it got to be after 18 anyway they got to be a grown adult can't do this shit when they're younger than that so it's not really child abuse it's more like adult abuse but it's still your son and your and your blood if i had a kid that ever betrayed me and i'm say I'm 60, well, I guess, yeah, no 60. And my kid's

22. Like if I had a kid this year doing math quick in my head, genius, fucking straight up, straight up smart with math, dude. I'm the worst at math actually. But, um, anyway, if my kid ever really ever like severely betrayed me i make it my point seriously to have sex with his girlfriend that's it i don't care what who she is i don't care what the fuck they want that's what's up i i want in diner though like i get real i get real i put on my i use my i i'm gray now too because i'm 60 but i get real good with it man and i and i start treating her you know and i do the friendship i do the thing that I hate that guys do. I do the thing about how guys are like, um, guys like, I hate the guy that like tries to befriend the girl to get laid.

Like, don't do that. You motherfucking bitch ass. You, you, you, you're trying to get laid. Start to try and get laid from jump, baby. Hey, what's up? First question you ask, you got a boyfriend? No, let's fucking get it going. You don't fucking, I, well, let's fucking get it going you don't fucking die well

let's get a coffee see where things go you know if you're attracted to her or not okay if you don't fucking straight up turn around turn around turn around turn around the fuck out of here with that shit i hate those motherfucking beta ass bitches well we're just friends uh i don't know if I'd want to ruin the relationship and actually kiss her face. Vroom! Just drove over you. Okay? Just drove over you.

Beep, beep. Whoops! Reversed it over your fucking face. Reversed it, some Mexican. Hey, he reversed it over his face um yeah dude but like dude one fire's dying right now but that's the thing dude you don't be a fucking you come with the real shit dude hey what's up what are we doing here huh what the fuck are we doing here girls what the fuck are we doing here girls want that guy they want that guy that's like the punisher where he's like who's the guy that what's his name that played the punisher john what is it no not that one fucking thomas

jane he says the new one what's his fucking name i know the guy fucking terrible i don't uh no not ben barnes ben barnes is my legit friend just fucking click it one fire mdb john bernthal girls want a guy that's just like that hey and you're like well what's going on uh something else is going on i don't know that's either guy from the beginning of the walking dead by the way that's that it's either john bernthal or the other guy they want that guy that's got like a fucking something going on hey hey what's going on are you okay mean, now. Everything's good now. But like a scar on his face. Or like, you know, a ratted up jean jacket with like a fucking, maybe some blood or paint on it.

I mean, look how many guys have played The Punisher, dude. Norman Reedus played it? In Iron Man? Anyway. What was I talking about? What was I even talking about? Dating and the... Oh, yeah.

That's how I get... Yeah. I can't stand about guys fucking being that... But that's what the girls want. That's what I'm saying. If you're coming at a girl and you're trying to, you know, meet her and date her and court her or however you're going to say it, you know, you got to come. You got to come correct, dude. You don't blindside the girl by, well, you don't lie to yourself either.

You don't blindside the girl by saying, well, this is what I actually want. Let's get alone and get on the couch, baby. Oh, you want to make me squirt? No. Uh-oh, I'm squirting. Oh, God. Baby. No.

And don't lie to yourself either, dude. You know what you want. Fucking figure out what you want. By the way, figure out what you want before you even talk to anybody. How about that? Let alone a chick. Don't be pretending like you want to be friends with this chick how about that let alone a chick don't be pretending like you want to be friends with this chick when you don't want to be friends with this chick you

want more than that right now i'm not saying you could be friends with someone that you ain't fucking but you can you can be friends with someone you fucking but i'm just saying you want more than that so don't come with the girl and then lie to yourself well we're friends i wouldn't want to ruin the relationship oh really you want to squirt. Okay? So the bottom line is that's what the girl, that's what girls want. Even if they say they don't, I want a nice guy. I'm tired of these jerks. Really?

Nah. You're not. You know why? Because you're saying that. If you weren't saying that, then you would just be doing it people who talk about shit don't get shit done i've been saying i wanted to start a clothing line for years see i don't have one because i don't want to do it all right so that's the thing so I'm not doing that if my son ever betrays me and he's 22 23 24 and I'm 65 I'm pulling out all the stops dude I mean I'm talking about um you know let's let's talk I'm doing serious betrayals

let's talk about talking let's talk about what's going on with my son you know this and that with the chick okay cool yeah we'll meet for coffee you know, this and that with the chick. Okay, cool. Yeah, we'll meet for coffee, whatever. Yeah, this and that. We talk and I get in on the, I get in down low. I'm just French yet. Before you know it, I'm turning on the fucking charm. I'm doing that. I'm slowly sliding into that fucking like 90s Hugh Grant style type like, oh, excuse me, put your coffee. I don't know if you want one or not, but here it is. Anyway, if you don't, I'll drink two. And you're like, oh, he's so cute and quirky. I'll drink three if I have to. I'll pour one on my head. I'll do it for children if it helps. Right? Dude, that before Hugh Grant got busted, you know, fucking that guy or whatever it was, when he was with Elizabeth Hurley, the hottest girl of all time in the 90s. Before that, I'm that Hugh Grant.

I slowly slide into that Hugh Grant territory. That's what I do. And then when she starts, when I notice she looks at me a little bit differently when we're at a fucking walk in the park or we're at the observatory or I'm going to SeaWorld. Dude, I'm going everywhere. You betray me? If I made you and you betray me, all bets are off. That's it. Go to lunch.

We're out. we're out and i and i get in and when i see her look at me in that in that different way with that glint where it's like huh huh you know the chick just like yeah he's my friend but huh i feel warm around him though i feel protected i feel protected and that is when i slowly slide into the fucking the punisher shit man i'm like yeah well i haven't told you everything about my past really what i don't want to talk about it I don't want to talk about it. Huh. Okay. Well.

Huh. Not only does he protect me, but he's also interesting. And I keep fit, too. If I'm not working out by then, I work out. I start working out because I need to have fit, shredded. I need a fucking black diamond course on my stomach, dude. And I need some fucking fucking some titted chests and she and then one day we're at the beach she's gonna take my shirt off over over dude and then that's when you know later that night

you shouldn't have fucked with me person i made you shouldn't have fucked with me son and then we go into it and dude and then i'm that's it dude she's mine now north carolina and your girls and my your girl is mine and you're good i made you and you disrespected me and now i should have taken and took your girl and then dude you shouldn't have fucked with me dude and then guess? I take her on a world tour and we got a new song for you. And we're fucking everywhere. Near explosions.

We're fucking on motorcycles. I'm sure, by the way. What's the fucking... That's such a movie trailer song. Different cuts of fucking and then shooting and then on a motorcycle and then jumping off of a mountain with a parrot with a fucking parachute and then fucking while shooting have you ever seen that nicholas cage movie where they actually do that where they're fucking and and then he fucking bends over and he shoots people and she's he's holding the girl and he's rolling around shooting bad guys. How did you make it? It's like one of those 47 Nicolas Cage movies that came out in one year.

Now, it's for conch. You can make that movie, but... That's it. Unbelievable. It was unbelievable how they did that it's not that movie yeah it's Drive Angry that's what it is I think it's Drive Angry

because I think that girl's in it dude I can never remember people's names when I'm doing this podcast Amber Heard yep there it is he's having sex and he's having yep there it is he's having sex with and he's got

and he's got sunglasses on and also he's smoking a cigar hey dude this guy just loves stimulation oh he's not having sex with amber heard it's a different girl and she's naked tits are all out and the other guy's got an axe and the guy has an axe and throws the axe at nicholas cage and he oh and he shoots him from behind his back hit wouldn't happen so wouldn't happen shoots the guy and he flies out of the window would so wouldn't happen well none of it would i love movies like that dude fuck it fuck when people watch these movies and they're like oh it's so fake hey bro no shit that's the whole point that's like rubbing peanut butter all over your face and saying tastes like peanut butter what the fuck hit and shit oh

what did he shoot that into his head i shot the fucking machete but hey man open your mouth lose the cigar he's got on fucking like arnett or Arnett, whatever you call them. Those aren't it. Remember those sunglasses that were the shit in the 90s? Arnett's. I had some green ones. I was walking around. I thought it was fucking the shit.

Arnett. Arnett. Who gives a fuck? Arnett. I think they're probably just called Arnett and people thought they were cool saying Arnett because they're like, I bet it's fine. Wow, dude. I love it, dude.

I need to... By the way, if you were having sex and this song came on the iPod... I mean, what would you... What would you... It would be funny. I would be laughing so hard. I'd be laughing.

I'd be laughing and coming. I'd be laughing and coming. It's better than coming. Anyway, that's what I would do. I would do that. I would wine and dine this girl. Then I put the Hugh Grant on her. Then I put the fucking Punisher on her. And then I'd go back and I'd fucking spend the weekend with her.

I'd make some love with her. And I'd do some serious straight fucking too i bet i do i do i do love making i'd kiss her but i'd also do the like the stuff where i grab her hair like just the way she wants it and stuff like that and then i roll on over to my son's house who's a professional human being at this point and i'd fucking you know what dude you absolutely shouldn't have done what you did to me and guess what and i got my i got my phone up and i got the i'm And I'm the version of the John Cusack thing with the stereo standing on top of his car. But I'm on top of my car. And I'm holding my phone.

And I'm playing. And I'm doing it like this. And I'm saying, hey, son, you shouldn't have fucked with me. Guess what I did? I wanted to dine your girl. And I made love to her. And then I had sex with her. And then I fucked her.

I made love. And then I fucked her. I made you. Don't fuck with me, man. I can be very charismatic. And I can turn from Hugh Grant to the Punisher in the blink of an eye. I can turn from regular friend guy to Hugh Grant in two blinks of an eye. And then Hugh Grant to the Punisher in one blink of a fucking eye.

That's three blinks, motherfucker. That's three blinks. And your girl is mine, dude. Three fucking blinks, motherfucker. That's three blinks. And your girl is mine, dude. Three fucking blinks. I made you, dude. I need to make kids so I can do this kind of shit, man. I swear. I need to make kids so I can put some of this shit into effect, dude.

Fuck the most interesting man in the world. That shit's... Bro, you know what? Also, I want to fight that guy. I want to fight the actor who does that. Just for some PR. Yeah. That's the new Game of Thrones here, man.

All right, let's do some Twitter questions, huh? Why don't we do some Twitter questions? Let's get some of these Twitter questions going. Hey, Apple, I don't always want to update everything, okay? So how about this? When they say try in an hour, try tonight, remind me tomorrow. Nah, just get out of here. Yeah, all right, try tonight then.

Cool. See ya. You don't need to fucking always be. Oh, well, you heard that. I just had indigestion. Cool. This is a good question. Gabe Eatman or Gay Beatman.

Do you ever wonder what it would be like if you had a sister? You know what? Not really. But every now and then I have, you're an elder by the way, so we take your question very seriously, sometimes I guess I have wondered what it would be like if I had a sister, I don't know, I guess it'd be crazy, there, how's that for some fucking shit, I don't know what it's like to have a sister, I don't know what it's like, the only girl that I have in my family is my mommy and my, I'm in my aunt, but that's, you know, I'm talking

about immediate, um, pretty crazy. I suppose I'd want to, I suppose I'd be overprotective. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know. I wonder how my brother would be with my sister too. If I had one, you know, you stumped me elder maybe that's why you're an elder if i had a sister yeah how about this when people say this i'd be crazy town i'll fucking wipe my ass wipe wipe my ass with your nose um here we go pierre Pierluigi Ferronato. Hey, dude. Got a quick question for you. Could you be more Italian? Pierluigi Ferronato. Pierluigi Ferronato.

Ask me a question. What are your thoughts on people who say beep, beep instead of excuse me when trying to get by people? Anybody like that you you deserve to get in them because they're they're only cars go beep beep okay oh you know what you should do for people who do that start grabbing at them and then when they're like hey what are you doing get off of me you're like oh dude I'm so sorry, man. I thought you were a fucking motor vehicle and I was trying to get inside you. Don't say beep beep. Say excuse me. And then I walk away with my ice cream or wherever I was. All pissed off.

Looking all pissed off. What do you, Anthony Worthy, from Anthony Worthy. Anthony Worthy. Worthy underscore Anthony. um what do you anthony worthy from anthony worthy anthony worthy worthy underscore anthony what do you imagine the story arc might be of the inevitable future production of a netflix docuseries of the congratulations call well i'll tell you it starts with my son me fucking up you know because he backs he stepped back stab me like well this guy had sex with his son's girlfriend what the fuck who is this guy and then it goes back and it has footage that's all grainy even though footage isn't grainy anymore because it's 2018 we make it grainy to make it look more interesting and it

shows me doing my podcast in the beginning of the fucking shit and then how he and then he implemented video and like like kenneth brana is doing the over thing and then i entered included video you know and and and uh and uh and then it shows me doing the video and then it shows me how it shows and people are like, hey. And then we play it up like we get actors to play this. But they're like, we're in the cult. We live by the cult. You know? And then it shows a bunch of that and then it shows us at the log cabin, of course, eventually.

And we're all fucking and sucking and sharing ideas and drinking nice water out. And sometimes we are out in the grass and just chilling out Indian style. And we all have white robes on and wearing linen like we're in a fucking puff daddy party. And then it ends with my eventual, you know, demise, I guess. And then the last interview is my son. And he's like, you know, I know he says very seriously. and these are the words he says, I know he fucked my bitch. But, you know, he was just, he was an artist in life. And the world was his, was his stage.

And I guess I, I guess I don't know what else to say. But that was my father. I guess I don't know what else to say. But... That was my father. And then the credits roll. And you can buy the soundtrack. And this is the soundtrack. I ain't got no motherfuckers. That's why i fuck you

you get all these songs soundtrack costs 400 000 million dollars to get but that's the soundtrack um well i'm sweating like a motherfucker huh hey pretty cool dude pretty cool i'm sweating like motherfucker uh um let me read off these things for you you fucking you fucking guys and chicks uh square square cash check out the new boost rewards program get the cash app enter rewards code congrats get five dollars and give times up give five dollars to times up uh the organization there it's a good organization that we stand behind here congratulations uh get it for ios get it for ios or android now uh look i'm going to name some of these dates here coming up uh

follow the leader tour uh buy them at buy tickets at crystalia.com ottawa ontario london ontario buffalo new york burlington vermont philadelphia Washington, New York, Montclair, Portland, Snoqualmie, Washington, Vancouver, Miami, West Palm Beach, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Boston, Fresno, Bakersfield, Austin, San Antonio, Tulsa this weekend, Tulsa this weekend, Midwest City this weekend, Dallas, Portland, Maine, Hampton Beach, Mashantucket, change it, Houston, Wichita, Kansas for some reason, Kansas City, Missouri, Lincoln, Nebraska for some reason, Reno, Nevada, and Las Vegas, Nevada. And that's where we're coming. That's where we are coming, dude. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Download the Chris D'Elia app for iOS or Android. You get to see that this podcast before anyone else live and you can comment on it. And I see your comments.

Uh, and we talk about them sometimes. So subscribe. This also helps subscribe, rate, and review the show. Tweet me by using the handle at congrats pod or by using the hashtag, uh,

congratulations pod. And the video episodes go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays. Watch Man on Fire, Aaron Corrigible. And listen, man, you don't have to ask me, where's the podcast? Where's the podcast? Hey, where is it? Sometimes I do it on Tuesday.

I have always said that. If you're asking, where's the podcast? You're not a true baby because you don't listen to the cult leader. This is a cult and I'm the cult guy. I'm the guy that tells you stuff. I don't want to say leader. It's for you to decide,

but it's like, this is a cult. Listen to what I say. The podcast comes up Monday or Tuesday, so don't tweet me Tuesday morning. Where's the podcast? Guess what? It's coming.

Don't make me fucking clap back to you. I want to say I love you guys but you know what I don't know so many of you and you can only love somebody if you know them deeply but thank you for listening and you guys are fucking you know what you guys are? mighty

dude thanks for listening to fucking epitode 73 man on Flyer. Congratulations! Thank you.