Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 74. It's Beautiful, DONG!

Episode Date: June 25, 2018

It's the 74th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about how being disrespectful is actually respectful. Also discussed: The Secret, people from Midwest City, Brent Morin, hibernating, bad movies vs. good movies, and leg day. Plus, Chris answers a couple questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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to bring you some of her favorite recipes to make at home. Get ready for six weeks of wildly fun, flavorful cooking featuring recipes like garlic and soy-glazed shrimp with charred broccoli and hot green pepper sauce and sesame chicken noodles with bok choy. Did we mention you don't have to step foot in the grocery store? No, we didn't, but we just did, so you don't have to. I'll talk about this more later in the show, so check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free

at blueapron.com slash congrats. That's blueapron.com slash congrats. Get your first three meals free. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Episode's also brought to you by the Cash App, babies. And all of us babies use the Cash App, which is why it's the number one finance app in the App Store. And now the Cash Card is more powerful than ever with Cash App's latest feature, Cash Boost. Download the Cash App, get your free Cash Card, and select your boost. Save money when you swipe on stuff like coffee, Chipotle, Shake Shack, and more. Download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now. We got it with the homemade iced Americano, baby, and a New Jersey cup.

It's a New Jersey glass that my mommy made. Got me, probably. I don't know how it wound up in my cupboard, but definitely my mom put it there. And it's a New Jersey glass. And all my mom does is get me New Jersey stuff because we're from New Jersey and all my aunt does is get me Batman stuff because one time when I was seven I said I liked Batman and we like it it's how you show love in my family, gifts

some people show love differently and some people are gift givers and some people their love language is fucking and some people their love language is fucking and some people's love language is touching and aka fucking i don't know what that whole love language bullshit is but people are like what's your love language every now and then some new shit will come out and everybody will be all about it and then they'll forget about it like the secret remember when

that was big everyone was manifesting their destiny and then everyone stopped manifesting their destiny and everything is always the same no matter what if you manifest your destiny or not manifest your destiny remember that you remember um so you can wake up and put a vision board on the fucking ceiling and wake up and the first thing you see is donuts and then you can go get donuts did you manifest your destiny did the fucking thing on the ceiling have anything to do with that did the secret have anything to do with that or did your brain and did your legs walk into the donut store have mostly what to do with that? You want donuts, get donuts. It's not the secret. Um, guess what guys? I was in, I was in, okay. So I was in Tulsa. I was in Midwest city. Those of you don't know where

that is, is, is in Oklahoma. And then I was also in Dallas. Now, I've been to Dallas plenty of times. Love Dallas. Like performing there, the crowds are always, as they would say, lit AF. Okay? Now, before I get into that, I had an early flight the other day from

Dallas, or from Midwest City, which is Oklahomalahoma city was where the airport was oklahoma city to dallas now and when i got the airport i realized the drive is three hours now i told my travel agents of course if it's a three-hour drive versus a fucking 40-minute flight take the drive because by the time you get to the airport and do all the shit it still takes just as long or even longer now did he book a flight yeah am i upset yeah am i gonna say something to him now yesterday i was like i gotta say something to him now today i woke up a little less heated am i gonna say something ultimately no is it gonna happen again

yes am i going to get equally as mad yes and am i gonna not do anything about it yes okay now that's just how it works you get mad you say you're gonna do something and then you don't and that's what this country is based on man you get mad you get heated you forget about it and you don't. And that's what this country is based on, man. You get mad, you get heated, you forget about it, and you don't change a goddamn thing. The micro to macro, babies. So I did that, and then I got home yesterday and then fucking fell asleep at 11 o'clock like I'm 8. Now I'm a 38-year-old man. Now I'm a comic. I stay up late, fell asleep at 1130 at night.

Like I do, like I do poopy in my pants. And then I woke up at fucking 10. Dude, you know what that fucking, you know what that makes you feel like? like you wake up at 10 10 hours of sleep dude 10 hours of fucking sleep no wrong one oh it's labeled wrong it's labeled wrong one fire i wanted back in black and i hit the w and it fucking hit and hit him up. And we're angry. It's all good, but we're angry. Now we went zero to 60 in the anger category. What are we, a fucking, are we a 911 turbo?

Are we a fucking cherry red 911 turbo going from zero to 60 on the anger freeway because of one fire yes we are are we gonna let that disrupt the the the show we're not now did it yeah but are we back on track yeah so whatever dude i got 10 hours of sleep what i'm trying to say is i got more sleep than you and i'm bragging about it i'm fucking bragging about it i got more sleep than you and i'm bragging about it i'm fucking bragging about it i got more sleep than

you you got five hours of sleep because it's a monday you couldn't fall asleep on your sunday night because the weekend i got the you know you're on the weekend shit you got nothing you didn't get it and i did and i got 10 hours of sleep and that makes me feel fucking amazing dude i love 10 hours of sleep. How about some people who are like, I had a buddy once that'd be like, you should get four hours of sleep. Getting four hours of sleep is better

than getting six hours of sleep. See ya. Dude, people like that, they love to be different, man. You don't. Yeah, why? Because the sleep cycles, and your sleep cycle's four hours,

there's a full sleep cycle. You sleep four hours, and you sleep four hours, you get two full sleep cycles, and you get six hours, you And your sleep cycle is four hours. There's a full sleep cycle. You sleep four hours. And you sleep four hours. You get two full sleep cycles. And you get six hours. You interrupt the sleep cycle. You wake up. You grog all day.

Oh, really? Well, I got something. No. No. More sleep better than less sleep. Unless, of course, you're getting fucking 90 hours of sleep at once. Then you're dead. Boom, bam, boom, bam, boom, bam. Oh, no. Oh, dead. I was in Tulsa. Now, I have to say, I was a little bit excited to

go to Oklahoma because I've never been there before and I wanted to see it. Now, I went to Tulsa first, did a show. The shows were all great. Tulsa, Midwest City, Dallas, great shows. I had a great time. Okay. Tulsa was fine. Cool little area. I guess it's got a little bit of a, like I say, I like to say it's got a little bit of a pulse to it and a vibe. All right. Then I went to Midwest City. Now when I got to Midwest City, the first thing I saw was Robin. And I mean Robin as in Robin and Batman. And he was walking with another fucking woman that was dressed up in pink pigtails and had on like some weird Japanese skirt.

Now, all of a sudden I thought I stepped into a fucking weirdo zone. What we call the weirdo zone, okay? call the weirdo zone okay and we saw um we saw uh robin i saw robin and i was like hey what the fuck's going on then i saw more people dressed in costume saw deadpool saw two other characters never seen before in my life guy had a fucking blue face see ya and i realized we were in something called the sooner fest and i was like what the fuck is the sooner fest now i still don't know i walked around there was a convention there everyone was people were signing um uh autographs and creating art it was like some anime versus uh no it wasn't the sooner fan fest that would be football. It would be Sooner Fest.

And it was... There were people dressed up as characters I had never seen before. There was somebody dressed up as Deadpool, though, and shit like that. He had on a vest. He looked like Deadpool the waiter. And... Or Deadpool the valet. And I... Let me fight crime or get your car.

So... So I went to go get... By the way, I'm live on my app here. You can get the first 10 minutes of the fucking show always live on my app. If you're a subscriber to my app, just download my app, go to the Crystalia store. You can do that and get the podcast before anybody gets it.

So, I was at Soonerfest and saw a bunch of... Let's see. I don't want to offend anybody, but extreme dorks dressing up. Now, it's cool that they have a fucking thing that they can do and be happy about, and I'm not bagging on that. But, you know, come on. And so they were all dressed up. How about this? Don't ever dress up as anything but yourself unless you're fucking 11. There you this don't ever dress up as anything but yourself

unless you're fucking 11 there you go don't dress up as anything but yourself unless you're fucking 11 okay so um i i was there and i don't there was there was Flash, the Flash that looked like he kind of fucking retired a few years ago and was like, I hate it going quick. Actually, that's really funny, dude. Hey, he was really big and overweight. Hey, don't dress up as the Flash because you're not doing cardio. I don't get, actually, I don't get what it is about. You know, part of me was like, why is it always overweight people that do cosplay? Unless you're a fucking chick with fake boobs.

But it's not that. It's that those costumes look so unflattering. If I put that on, I'd look like a fucking schlub. I'd look like a dad, you know? Immediately, I'd have dad bod if I put on a Superman suit. So, you know, and I'm trying to, and I told you, my fucking sweat beads are dripping down to double black diamond abd white courses. I told you. But I saw them, I saw S and dorks and it's all good.

I'm a dork too in my own way. So I'm not trying to say I'm better than you. But was taking pictures of those guys and let me tell you besides that okay walked around a little bit midwest city now i've been flirting with not saying this people have been saying don't go don't say stuff about midwest city people like we our city sucks, but please go easy on us on the podcast. Got those tweets. Now, I want to tell you something. And I want to tell you something. Now, this is a comedy

podcast. So I want you to keep that in mind. But I also want you to know that there's a little bit of truth to comedy. Okay? I want to tell you this. It's funny. However, there's absolutely a little bit of goddamn truth to it. I've been to a lot of different places in this world. I will say country, though, right?

Because it's not like I'm well-traveled. I haven't been to fucking Prague. Now, I've been to a lot of places in America. Hands down. Hands down. Midwest City. Ugliest people I've ever seen in my goddamn life. Ugliest people I've ever seen in my goddamn life. Ugliest people I've ever seen in my goddamn life.

Now, that's fine. I understand you're born with the face you're born with. But how about this? Go for a jog. That's cool. However, do a jumping jack. that's cool however do a jumping jack i mean these people were oh beasts dude hey put down a burger hey you know what go for a hike do something besides sit dude i saw a lady

sit in the lobby i i kept coming up and down in the elevator because every place was more depressing than the last my room was depressing and also the lobby was depressing and outside was depressing so i kept switching because i didn't want to be that i want to be a different new depressed i kept going to the lobby i saw a lady melting into the couch for hours with blue hair she was bald on top and she looked dude she was big man she looked like she was fucking jesus christ she was big and then i heard this i this was the pinnacle i heard somebody say um i don't want to walk and then i saw her around the corner. She was 200 pounds and 17. And she was saying she didn't want to walk to the elevator,

which takes you somewhere. Fuck that. Walk up the flights. And I know I'm being harsh, but also how about this? You're going to die. You know? Now, it's a comedy podcast, but you're going to die. I don't know what I stepped into, dude.

And I know this is a hacky joke right here, but it was the Star Trek fucking party scene, dude. I walked into and they were dressed up like superheroes. Oh, damn, that's going to sound ill in your speakers. dressed up like superheroes. Oh. Damn, that's going to sound ill in your speakers. I want to know what the ugliest cities are. You guys got to tweet me and show me some analytics, what the ugliest cities are. And I know it's all based on, yeah, but who are they on the inside?

But the truth is. Oof. I just got sad. Like, I work out hard. Work out a little bit. I don't know. Or don't. But you're going to die. And then it's very selfish to be that big.

Because you're going to die and then your family is going to be sad. Do step aerobics hey um all right some guy on the app said billings montana well i'll never go there um so yeah dude that was that was crazy um it was it was. And so I did the show there. The show was great. People at my show were not exactly the ugliest, but, um, you know, um, so I, uh, I don't know. I heard that my buddy buddy got my buddy got let go he got fired and i was thinking about this i was thinking about how my buddy got fired and he immediately said well like we were talking about and he was like dude's best thing that ever happened to me and that's one of the top five funniest things that anybody could ever do is react to getting fired like saying it's the

best thing that ever happened to you and i guarantee i bet if you took a percentage of how many people say that after they get fired i i bet it'd be like 12 that's too high it's too high i bet it'd be 12 and here's the other thing um it's also as insecure and it's s said david brent because here's the other thing too they always say it way too quickly right it's also as insecure. And it's as said David Brent. Because here's the other thing too. They always say it way too quickly, right? Like it's one thing. I was listening to a TED talk the other day and this lady who they called the machine,

she was Australian and she was going to the Olympics and she was killing it and she was fucking better than anybody doing anything. Janine the machine or some shit her name was. Anyway, huge. Was taking a bike ride, got creamed by a fucking truck, okay? Then got paralyzed. Then became, she was like well who am i what my identity was in the uh the olympic my

my identity was becoming the fucking olympian athlete and my identity was my body and i realized my identity was not my body and she became a pilot dude she was paralyzed became a pilot and became like the fucking the the first female uh aviation uh president of some bullshit i mean ruining it but you know became a really important person in aviation and and flew and and by the way you need you need to hit the pedals when you fly but she was like fuck that i'm using my hands okay she did that and became a fucking she and and and the podcast and TED Talks podcast, they were like, hey, also, she's still the machine. She's just the machine in a different way. And it was very touching, and I teared up, and it was amazing, okay? But – and it turned out she said – and she said at the end of this podcast, she was like, getting hit by that truck was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Now, fine. That's cool. But these people are getting fired saying that shit it's like they might as well be saying like they go like you're fired and then they go yes it's not the best thing that happened to you right away dude be sad be sad you got fired these people love to be it's so defensive they love to just get like they're like oh fucking oh my girlfriend left me oh man i'm so sorry no you know what honestly it's the best thing that ever happened to me why well because you know what we obviously weren't right if she thought we weren't right then we weren't right i don't want to have to convince her we're gonna cry nope best thing ever happened to me honestly they're tears of joy they're tears of

joy you're broke hey man i break up with you Yes Hey man I cheated on you Fuck yes Oh dude You cheated on me Are you fucking kidding me You fucking cheated on me Dude you got fired

Hey man We'll have to bring you in here Look look man I know it's near Christmas time And you need to get A bunch of gifts for your family, but sorry, you're fired. I'm fired? Yeah.

Well, yes! It's the best thing that ever happened to me right away. Immediately I make no money and I have to buy gifts for all my family. And I'm Mormon. I have eight kids. Yes! kids. Yes! It can be the best thing that ever happened to you because now you could go into a new venture

and become a fucking swimmer or become a space pilot or be a fucking paraplegic aviation leader. Okay? But you can't do it today. Be sad that you got fired and then have it be the best thing that ever happened to you.

I don't like when people fuck. It's like when someone's mad and you're like, oh, I'm sorry. I hurt your feelings. You're like, no, it honestly doesn't even hurt my feelings. I'm just pissed. Oh, really? Well, that's what that is. You're hiding.

Don't hide. Be purse. It's free conch. You can act however you want to, but be purse. All right? Because otherwise, and I hate to say this, and I don't say this a lot,

but say the fuck Nara. God, I hate saying this, but I'll see you later. Right? Yeah. So, but that TED Talk was crazy, man. It is wild. Imagine taking, I imagine this a lot like because i always think about like dude comedy's my life i love it and i identify i identify as

a comedian you know and that's my gender i identify as a comedian on the gender scale on the gender spectrum there's man and then there's woman and then in the middle there's somewhere comedian and if they have a cock or a pussy whatever that is that's what i have but uh you know these sports players these fucking athletes these football players that they have to like they get hit and then they can't play anymore dude i think about that sometimes i mean these football players have to retire at 33. You know what I mean? Dude, I'm 38, man. I just, it's like, that would be a life ruiner, man.

Jump off a building, hit a car, alarm goes off. Whoa, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. That's it. I mean, dude, if I, it's like, you know, I don't mean to be dramatic, but if you take something away from somebody and that's what they live for, Jesus, man, rough, but you got to keep going, I guess. I don't know. I guess you got to keep going. You're not supposed to kill yourself, right?

How about the guy that tweeted, hey, if you kill yourself, you don't go to heaven. So you shouldn't do that. It's a sin. Right after anthony bourdain got killed himself it's like hey bro first of all give it time second of all believe in whatever you want to believe in but third of all don't fucking talk shit about the dude that just had a problem fucking these religious people man look religion is cool man like fucking if it makes you happy and it makes you feel better, great. Right?

But don't go to war over it. Don't go to war to it, he said as he sipped his homemade iced Americano in his New Jersey cup. And he meant it. You could tell behind his eyes. It's just fucking, this world is so sub-bitch and it's so fucking uh what do you call it uh it's insecure everybody's so insecure dude remember when kanye made the rap song we're all insecure i'm just the first to admit it no you're not you're first to rap about it no a little bit your first big guy to rap about it maybe but it's like s insecure if i was a rapper i want to make a song called

sin secure and and then in the chorus it goes hey hey hey um you're fired yes that's how it starts you're fired yes um i've been noticing online a lot and shit like that. A lot of celebrities can't wait to share news. Dude, this shit drives me nuts. It's not news if you can't share it. News is always shareable. If you can't share it, it's not news yet. Therefore, shut the fuck up till it's news and shareable. If you can't share it, it's not news yet. Therefore, shut the fuck up till it's news.

And shareable. Therefore. These fucking celebrities, some of these celebrities that have fucking dick all going on, they might as well just be sitting at a fucking country club cause they got time. They might as well

be wearing a vest with a bunch of pockets on it because they're on a hike because they got none. They love saying, can't wait to share this exciting news. What? What'd you do?

Get a dog? Oh, what is it, a career? What are you going to do? What the fuck? Can't wait. Got so many exciting things to share share them then share them then what can you not tell us dude and you know the celebrities some of you probably see it happen all the time celebrities on instagram can't wait to share all the exciting things for the future

it is the future now share them it's four seconds later if it's news share it what news outlet didn't share news if anything people share shit way too soon i can't say why what's gonna happen you're gonna lose your deal no what do you fucking work for marvel no what are you gonna be a fucking you know what what what you got an article written about you who the fuck cares that's not new gives a shit that's not a dude just do your life stop bragging you deserve a fart noise in your face you deserve a fart noise in your face can't wait to share all this exciting news I just can't talk about it yet

yeah you can what are you fucking the next spider-man what do you dude every script I get now to to read it's got my name plastered all over it because they're like they want to know if it gets leaked out that it was me dude nobody cares about your fucking goddamn romantic comedy. Who gives a shit?

Oh, yeah, they don't. They're really secretive with the sides. Who gives a shit? What is it? Fucking Star Wars? It's not. It's some fucking romantic comedy with like a... I don't know.

Somebody in it. I don't want to think of fucking... I don't know, somebody in it. I don't want to think of fucking... Canvac music. Yeah, I'm going to read these fucking ads, I think, here. Dude. I'm disrespectful disrespectful you know that you know i'm a disrespectful dude and i'm gonna fucking order food right now and it might even get here before the fucking podcast

ends and i'll end it how about that dude that's how fucking gangster i am i'll end it because the food's here dude oh you think i give a shit you're all on board too hey it was international log or it was national log cabin day yesterday did you guys know that you know how i hate days yesterday was national log cabin day hey besides the fact that i know it's our day i mean really bro you're gonna have a fucking National Log Cabin Day? Who the fuck? What grisly motherfucker decided to have that? What flannel-wearing, axe-fucking-wielding woodchopper fucking decided to petition for National Log Cabin Day? Imagine celebrating that. Well, we are.

You know we are because we're all real babies. That's what we are. We're babies. Some of us are newborns and some of us are fucking a year and a half old. But we're all babies. I don't care until we're 10 years old, we're babies. In 30 years, we're all babies. But that's the truth.

It was National Log Cabin Day. Hey, guys. MeUndies. You've definitely heard me talk about MeUndies. You know, the fun, comfy undies that feel as good as they look. To those of you that haven't tried them yet, listen up, dude. You can get incredible underwear sent to your door with MeUndies, meaning no more hunting around for the perfect pair at a crowded store and eventually settling for good enough. These are great. I wear them all the time. I have different patterns. I put them on no matter how I feel.

I got ones with bananas on them. I got ones with peace signs on them. And I got ones with pandas on them. And I also have regular, you know, purple, pink, black, purple, you know, I already said that, gray. Different colors. Just regular standard ones. And they all feel amazing. They're the best underwear I've ever put on my body.

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That's 20% off plus free shipping and a guarantee that you and your MeUndies will be very happy together. Get your butt over to MeUndies.com and treat yourself. To get your 20% off your first pair, free shipping, and 100% satisfaction guarantee, go to MeUndies.com slash congrats. That's MeUndies.com slash congrats. Blue Apron. I love it. If you've had it, I love it.

If you've had it, you'll love it. And if you hadn't had it, what the heck are you doing? Blue Apron delivers fresh pre-portioned ingredients, step-by-step recipes right to your door that can be cooked in under 45 minutes. The menu changes every week based on what's in season and is designed by Blue Apron's in-house culinary team. 12 new recipes each week and customers can pick two, three, or four recipes based on what best fits your schedule. I love Blue Apron because it's non-GMO ingredients and meat with no added hormones. When you go to a restaurant, you don't know what you're getting. You know, they're injected with all sorts of stuff. Blue Apron doesn't do that.

And it also all tastes good. I haven't had a bad meal and I've had a ton of these Blue Apron meals. Chrissy Teigen's partnering up with them and she's got some recipes coming up. Upcoming meals, Chrissy Teigen's garlic and soy glazed shrimp with charred broccoli and hot green pepper sauce. Chrissy Teigen's sesame chicken noodles. So check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash congrats.

That's blueapron.com slash congrats to get your first three meals free. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Dude, guess what shirt I'm wearing? I'm wearing the orange shirt that the girl said was pink in my incorrigible. Everyone always asks, can I see a picture of the shirt? If you want to, look at the video podcast. This is the orange shirt. And I try to wear different shirts on the podcast because there's really

nothing to distinguish the thumbnails on which episode is what and where I said what. Like I wore the camouflage shirt like twice. And so now people don't know what's what. But that's it, dude. You got to watch every episode. That's the thing. You got to watch every episode if you're a true baby. If not, you're not a true baby and that's okay. You can be a freak hunch, but be a real

baby, man. You know what the new pizza humor is? Nap humor. I tweeted about this the other day. You're not interesting because you think it's fun to take naps and put it online. Everyone likes naps. You know what?

We need naps. You know why? Naps. You know what they are? Sleeping. Need sleeping. Now, I think it's bullshit we have to sleep eight hours a day or otherwise we're a zombie. How about the fact that if I get, dude, if i get four hours of sleep i'm fucked if i get five

hours of sleep i'm fucked five and a half i'm fucked six doable seven good eight great nine we taking over if i get less than five and a half hours sleep i'm straight up fucked i am i'm fucked dude that's not fair god that's not fair jesus christ that sucks we have to charge for so long when my iPhone has a power charger that charges in like 40 minutes and then I can use it all day. That's bullshit, dude. We need to be more like Apple. That sucks. Donkey balls.

And you know I hate saying it, but it sucks donkey balls. A long time, my brother and I, we were in La Cunada where we grew up after New Jersey. And we laughed so hard. We ran into this guy who was like Esakak. And he was a dad in La Cunada. And he was like, hey, guys, how's it going? And I had already graduated high school. And so I had my brother, I think.

And my cousin was in high school. He was on the football team. And he was like, his name is Nick. And he was like, I think. And my cousin was in high school. He was on the football team. And he was like, his name is Nick. And he was like, my cousin. And he was like, hey, yeah. So doing football, you know, football, my son's in football, cool like that. And he was like, oh, yeah. And I said, how's Nick doing? He says, he said, oh, he's great. You know, he's good. And he changed it. Like he went like, oh, yeah, it's great. You great. He's good. And now the joke we always bring up, my brother and I,

we say like, oh, how's Nick doing at football? He says, oh, he's great. Oh, you know what? He sucks balls. He sucks balls. We change it to, he sucks balls.

He sucks balls. So I say, oh, how is he at football? Oh, he sucks balls. And so my brother and I, oh, he sucks balls. So anytime we say like, oh, how was he in the movie,

oh, he was great, oh, sucks balls, so drastic, so much of a change, um, yeah, but, yeah, but you need to sleep, and if you don't sleep, you're fucked, I'm fucked, dude, and I, when people say, I don't need a lot of sleep, like, I got a buddy, Brent Morin, he gets four hours of sleep a night, and he's like, yeah, I don't know, I don't need a lot of sleep like i got a buddy brent moran he gets four hours of sleep a night and he's like yeah i don't know i don't sleep that well but it's all good no i'm never tired but you look like a bloody eye i mean he always looks tired as shit go to bed brent dude he would show up in undateable he would show up i mean the guy's a handsome guy but he would show up in undateable and she he would show up i mean the guy's a handsome guy but he would show up he always looked out of work you know that's how you look when you don't get enough sleep you look fucking out of work and and he had a job he had a high-paying job we were

fucking actors on on uh on the show i mean you're an actor you're fucking making money right on a series it's just sideways bragging you know because i was on the show too but I'm not I'm just saying and obviously I mean more money than him but it's all good dude it's all good you know this is first real job and I've been in the bed but he got four hours of sleep every night woke up bloodshot eyes looked like an out of work guy dude there isn't a more sound of work looking guy than brent moran handsome guy got swag and he's sexy in his own right but oh fucking so funny dude my best friend so don't so shut the fuck up if you're trying to be like oh he's talking shit about you on the podcast and i know he's listening because he listens to fucking all the episodes dude the guy's great and shout out to his fucking parents that have 46

that had yesterday a 46 and a year anniversary uhyear anniversary for their... That's great, man. Killing it. Imagine being married for 46 years. Imagine being alive for 46 years. You know? Wow. God bless him.

His parents are the shit, man man i love when people have good parents it makes me so happy you know what else i hate i hate when people break up i hate it it makes me sad and i know i'm this fucking i don't give a fuck kind of type guy but i really do dude secretly there's a heart man how about when how about when people say like to you like i know you're a good person sometimes it's just hard to see and you're like you don't even fucking know me but his parents are great man i think it's because i love my parents so much and then when i see people have great parents it makes me so extra happy because i know that they're going to shape up to be a,

they're going to shape up to be a okay. Um, anyway, uh, um, what was I saying? Naps. You need naps,

dude. I'm fucked. If I get four hours of sleep, I'm a zombie. I can't work out. I can't concentrate. I can't, if I meet people,

people are like, what's up with that fucking guy? That's how I am um but yeah I uh I don't know I love it I love sleeping it sucks we have to sleep for so long right we gotta figure something out like we gotta do some sort of like long, if we were like bears, that would be even better. If we just hibernate for like two months and then don't have to sleep for 10 months,

that would be the shit, right? In some dystopian, there's some fucking stupid movie with John Cusack that they're making right now about that, by the way, probably. Some dystopian like, in the future, they don't sleep every day. They sleep for two months.

And for ten, they fight. And then it's so cold. It's always so cold in dystopian futuristic movies. Or super hot. And everyone wears either black or brown. What happened to colors in movies about the future? What's that all about? Even if it takes place in like a, I guess the fifth element,

but unless it has aliens in it, dude, if it's just about the human race in the future, nobody's wearing yellow. Or pink. There's no pink. Every movie is like, the world exploded and they rebuilt nothing from the ashes

until the phoenix rose. And now we have a society on fish people. And there's no pink and yellow for sure. And no great green. The only green they have is moss green. And they have some red if it's dark like maroon.

And gray and black always. And all white sometimes. But that's it this summer john cusack ellen page Ellen Page. Brr. That lady who's always, the old lady who's always in it, Judi Dench.

Brr. Or if we couldn't get her, Ellen Barkin. Brr. In a sleepless world. Brr. Or will you just hibernate in white pods with clear glass on the front of it all together huddled like fucking well you have to actually give me enough time because of the no that's not fair let me describe the world before you put in the next instrument

fair let me describe the world before you put in the next instrument um yeah dude i can't i can't fucking why is this thing fucking blinking it's's fucking ruining, you know, not recording for sure. It has a 38. It's all good. It just blinks every now and then. It's fine. It's got time. It goes time. Get nervous.

Whenever I record, I always get nervous. I'm not recording. Oh, fuck. Imagine if we did a whole episode and didn't record it. It's my biggest fear. Yeah, because then we'd have to do it again. And I would be so sweaty. You know what the good news is have to do it again, and I would be so sweaty, you know what the good news is, I'd do it naked, so I'd do it fucking straight up naked,

or is there video on that, is there audio on that, I would just release it in a fucking video, whatever, I don't give a shit, dude, you know what, it's not gonna to happen. How about that? Some big sphere. He had a podcast. 74 weeks in a row. All recorded on audio. 82 degrees in a small room. 82 degrees in a small room. Sweat would bead from his fucking tit chest and fucking cascade over his black diamond. Beautiful as... One episode didn't record. It didn't record. Dude, did I ever do the It's Beautiful thing? One episode didn't record. Blah. It didn't record. Blah.

Dude, did I ever do the It's Beautiful thing? My brother and I have another inside joke. It was called Goliath Awaits. There's this movie called Goliath Awaits, and it's eh. The whole movie is eh. If you watch a movie, you can't fucking not go like this every fucking three minutes. Eh. It was with a family friend.

We used to have this family friend, Mark Harmon. He's an NCSI, CSCIS, NCS, NAACP, whatever the fuck that show is called. I like how they made the CSI show and then they were like, yo, just put an N in front of it and we'll make 40 of them. Different fucking factions. Don't give a shit anyway show's been on for 765 years and uh goliath waits they made the fucking a movie and fucking mark harman was like 34 in it or some shit and it was about an underground society. And a sink ships. And it goes leagues under the sea.

And a society is made. And the water never got into the ship somehow. And there's air down there somehow. And a lady was born. And she's never seen the light of day. And, of course, all she wanted to ever do was see the sun. And she talks about it in a monologue. Probably I don't remember. But it definitely happened happened because that's what would happen in that movie.

Goliath awaits in the eighth. Anyway. Fucking somehow Mark Harmon gets trapped down there. And he's like, oh, yeah, he tells her about the sun, I think. And she's like, I'd like to see it. And then at the end of the fucking movie, of course, there's like a little dinghy that they get up on and like four of them get up and rise into the um one fire his fucking thing went off and unless that would have been good with the fucking me talking about the movie actually what kind of a bitch-ass ring do you have?

Would you just win trivia? And so Goliath awaits. So they get in this fucking pod. And it goes all the way up. And it goes out into the top of the ocean. And it shows and it opens up. You know? And she sees the sun for the first time ever and this is how the movie ends and this was i think this was the birth of ah because we were kids

and she sees the sun and it shows the sun. And then she says, it's beautiful. And it ends S abruptly. And the, the, the music starts and it goes, like, you know how that's, that would,

you know how many movies ended like that in like before 1990, it would be like, we finally found it. Or I guess the trail led here, or finally we've got all the riches and then it would go or whatever but it was always a lot of westerns did that like it would be like well the town's safe again not to be confused with which is every movie preview now. Every single movie preview now. So she sees the sun and she goes, it's beautiful.

And it would go, it's beautiful. And we fucking ran with that boy. You never know what's going to become such a thing such an inside joke but holy fuck man it's beautiful we do that all the time it's so funny man you got to see the end of this movie somebody find it and tweet me it's probably not like in my head it's it's probably literally nothing like that you probably watch it you'd be like it's not that bad, Chris. But over the years, it's literally, it's beautiful. And now it even happens before.

I bet like as it's, we've made it so quick that now it happens 30 minutes in the movie and the movie ends. That movie was he-sa-bad. He-sa-bad. Bad movies are better than good movies, dude. I don't give a fuck what you say. Bad betters, bad betters?

Hmm. Bad movies are better than good movies. Because good movies suck, dude. Because they're trying so hard to make you cry or feel some bullshit. There are exceptions. But these fucking good movies gotta go, bro. These good movies gotta go. Get out of here with your good movie bullshit.

Oh, you want an award? Make a movie called fucking... What's that? The Hunter's Blood. There you go. I'll watch that in the theater. What? You see something? Cool. Hearing things. Here we go, guys. Ad break. Keepsake is a new thing I want to talk about with you guys, and it's very cool. I've started doing this. We all have great photos on our phone

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Square Cash. If you haven't heard, we're switching to the Cash app. Now you have heard because you listened to this episode. But if you haven't, we're switching to the cash app now you have heard because you listen to this episode but if you haven't you you know you got to get into you got to get into this episode this podcast a little bit more it's the number one ranked app in finance and lets you do the most with your money uh cash app whether you want to uh pay people back buy and sell bitcoin deposit your paycheck right into the app or order a free custom cash card to spend anywhere you like. The Cash Cards Boost program lets you get instant discounts every time you swipe your card.

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We're learning a lot, babies. I didn't order food. That's fine. It's all good. It's all good. We're learning a lot, and it's all good. We fucking didn't order food, and it's all good. We're fucking knocking through these ads, and we're knocking through these notes dude i had four

notes today four two-word notes that's how much fucking disrespect i had for you that's how you show respect disrespect because. Because you're being you. The more disrespectful you are, the more respectful you are. Because you're not putting up these fucking walls for these motherfuckers. You're showing them how you really are. Now, that being said, don't spit in anyone's face. If that's the real you, then guess what? You're just a piece of shit. Be you.

But hopefully you're not fucked up. Din-din-din-din-din. Right? Sense of cure, but yeah. I'm hot. I'm hot. How about that? I'm hot as fuck.

Hey, what's up with 50 Cent on Instagram? Are you losing your mind, bro? Get the strap. How about that? It'll be a picture of like a fucking chick with a fat ass. Damn, they don't want me to work today on Instagram. They don't want me. Damn, social media doesn't want me to work, right?

They trying to keep me hornier than a motherfucker. Get the strap. Huh? What? It's crazy what Instagram and social media has been and how it's made us uh how it's shown us how everyone is losing their goddamn mind dude how about the lady the white lady that called the fucking black girl for selling water look at her fucking face dude and how And how she knelt down, dude.

She tried to get out. That's so bitch. She should have just started being British. It would have made it a lot better for her. You know what? You're not supposed to sell water. And then they were, oh, you're going to sell, oh, now everybody's going to know.

And she just goes, I'm sorry, but I can't say water in America. I don't understand why this fucking girl is doing this. The water could be poison. She needs an license for it. God, what a fucking dummy. Who the fuck cares? Imagine calling the cops on someone

selling water. She didn't, she doesn't look as racist as the other lady, though. The other one that pretended that, God, look at her face, dude. Look at that face with the, on the meme. With her fucking, making that thin-lipped, well, you know, shouldn't sell water.

How, by the way, that's, we know what's worse than that? Speeding. She fucking definitely sped in her life. Yeah, I don't know. That's what's up, though. That's what's up. That Dallas show was fucking awesome, dude. I love you, Dallas.

You're fucking awesome. You're just cool. I fucking loved, Dallas. You're fucking awesome. You're just cool. I fucking loved that Dallas show. We sold out the fucking, and by we, I mean me, sold out the Majestic Theater. Fucking get this strap, dude. Sold out the Majestic Theater. Get this strap. I started doing this thing because I got the fire tattoo on my hand.

I started doing this. Fucking sold it out. That's my new shit, dude. I make the fucking and I do it on apologetically, dude. That's the sound of fire, bro. If a girl hits on me, if I get some fucking money, uh-oh, uh-oh, hopefully I'm holding all

paper products in my right hand because the left hand's got the fire. Dude. I'm going to run for governor, dude. I'm going to run for governor and what I'm going to do is screenshot every shitty thing I've ever said and put them on a shirt and run on those shirts so nobody can expose me.

Ah, shit. Like, every time I've ever, like... Like, just be like, fucking, I went to a strip club March 30th, 1990... Well, I guess in 2004. I'm going to wear a shirt that says that so nobody could be like he went to a strip club in 2004 on march 30th do we really want him governing california and i go like and

then and then by the way i buy the next commercial spot and i i'm on i'm on the and i'm on the next commercial spot and it's just me with that same shirt on and I go like this fuck yeah you do and that's it and it goes beep it beeps it out because everyone's a fucking pussy right fuck yeah you do and I buy that fucking DJ Khaled song hey DJ Khaled show your fucking kid more you know hey dj khaled i put on world star world star fucking put uh there was a picture of dj khaled hitting the buttons on the on the dj thing and then dj khaled was like oh album alert and i wrote and i wrote on the underworld star i wrote oh is this why the last album was so fucking shitty and everyone's like well a lot of people were like ah that's funny you know because they get And I wrote on the Underworld Star. I wrote, oh, is this why the last album was so fucking shitty? And everyone's like, well, a lot of people were like, ah, that's funny. You know, because they get I'm a comedian.

But some people were like, I'm just fucking around. By the way, I haven't heard the album. I'm sure it's fucking banging. I don't know. You know, I'm just being, I'm just roasting, baby. No, fuck that. I'm slamming. All you motherfuckers owe me $12.50.

Why? Because I fucking, I delivered you an All-American slamuckers owe me $12.50. Why? Because I fucking, I delivered you an all-American slam. That's it. That's it. That's all that happened, dude. I'm sorry, dude. But you owe me $12.50. And people were like, oh, yo, bro, why you fucking this and that?

You really going to fucking, you ain't, what about your, who are you? That's that you really gonna fucking you ain't what about your uh who are you that's my favorite who are you like there's anybody besides like five people in the world like that's any barometer of of success there's so many people that don't know so many fucking famous way more famous than me i'm barely famous these motherfuckers there are people who don't know who brad pitt is dude justin bieber um living you know justin bieber who else trump Who else? Trump? I mean, who else? My dad doesn't know who Ariana Grande is. She's the most famous fucking person.

So like... This is also my other favorite thing. Some guy tweeted me this. My favorite thing. I mean, I want to jump off a fucking two-story house he tweets me this is something that people always write hey Chris Lee I'm coming to your show in Houston haven't decided which day yet

when can I catch you at your prime I it's like I don't try harder sometimes I'm always trying to go do the best I can how am I supposed to know? What do I have? Fucking precogs.

Even if I did, I wouldn't be wasting my time on what shows are the best. I'd be out there trying to fight crime. The guy wrote back. I wrote back. People always ask me this is if I try harder to do better during certain shows and not others. It's a silly question. I don't know which shows will be better because they haven't happened yet. And the guy wrote back, anyway, can't wait to see you.

Now I just feel slammed. Nah, he's not going to get blocked. That's not a block. People are like, oh, you're going to block. Just a silly question, bro. How do I know? Just a silly question, bro. How do I know?

Whitney just tweeted, now Walgreens sucks. I don't know how much more I can take of this. What happened at Walgreens? Do you know? Jesus. Every new day. Walgreens?

We're learning something live here on the podcast, which is what we never do. What happened to Walgreens? We're learning something live here on the podcast, which is what we never do. What happened to Walgreens? Walgreens promises denies a woman medication to end her unviable pregnancy? Why did that happen? Oh, for personal beliefs. Oh, Jesus Christ. Well, that's not Walgreens' fault, though, right? That's the thing, that's not Walgreens' fault though, right? That's the thing.

It's not Walgreens' fault. It's some fucking asshole that works for Walgreens. That's the thing. Like the Starbucks. Oh, fuck Starbucks. It's racist. No, it's not. That asshole is racist.

I don't like how they fucking blame these companies sometimes. It's like, you know we gotta be better kidding i don't know we i mean we obviously have to be better but i don't know what the fuck is going on here look there's a racist in there all right this is um you know it's funny too i do have some news I could share with you guys but I'm not gonna how about that for irony that's when I bring it up the day I have news

not gonna fucking give it to you how about that how about thatilling out in my orange chair with my orange shirt. Not telling you news because I don't want to. I was on Fighter and the Kid last week and fucking, man, that was fun. We got the old TMP crew back together. Will Sasso, Brian Callen, I guest hosted. I co-hosted for fucking Brendan Schaub. My boy Brendan was doing something in Houston, doing stand-up and buying all sorts of shoes, wearing his tight pants. Love him for that, by the way. I want to wear more and more tight pants, but my legs are the size of a toothpick.

And I do leg day so much. And I work so hard. I'm trying to get that teardrop on my quadricep above my knee. But it's so hard. It's so hard it's so hard I can't get it my legs won't grow brown I wanna

I have fucking thin legs now I have a thin body you know I'm V'd out I got a fucking swimmer's body. All good. Look, so sue me. I have a fucking swimmer's body. My mom used to tell me that when I was in my teens. It's all good. Did it stick with me? Yes. Do I actually think I have one? No. Do I say it in a funny way mockingly yes but um i guess hosted it

brought brian a fucking serious strawberry milkshake he can't have it because it's psoriasis this fucking guy is psoriasis 52 years old has psoriasis because he fucking takes a bunch of supplements that some guy gives him. I put it on my Instagram. You can see it if you want to. Anyway, we want to have some Twitter questions. Let's go to Twitter questions, babies. I talk about the real issues.

It sucks how ice melts, huh? Right? What's up with temperature? It's all fucked up. We're stand up of all time. Here we go. By Letal. Hey, it's Leta.

Okay. How do you, One Fire and Ivan Getridov come up with the titles to each episode? Obviously, they come from within each episode after you've recorded. But for example, Little Monopoly piece and not Man on Flyer. Does this make sense? Well, you kind of answered your own question however i will say we we did think man on flyer but since i already have a special called man on fire i didn't i just didn't want someone to like for me i was like i don't want people to mix it up i want one thing to be one thing and then not to be able to fucking i don't ever want god forbid something is oh did you mean man on flyer or did you write man on fire you write man on flyer and then not to be able to fucking, I don't ever want, God forbid something is, oh, did you mean man on flyer?

Or did you write man on fire? You write man on flyer and then Google's like, does it mean man on fire? It was just a little confusing. People are fucking idiots out there. A little Monopoly piece sounds funny. And to me, if I heard something a little Monopoly piece, I'd be like, oh, I'll click on that. So that's how I came up with that one. But you kind of answer your own question.

We just come up with whatever made us laugh. And a lot of times in the episode, I'll be trying to, I'll be doing the thing. I'll be like, oh, that's the title. And then I forget it. And then one fire will be like, what's the title? I'd be like, I had one, but I don't know. All right. Next question. Thanks for that.

That was a good one. Would you rather find out when you die or how you die? Huh? I don't care about that question. How that matt shit on shit on matt shit tone that's your name huh all right well people made fun of you um i don't know i just i don't want to talk about that you fucking weird morbin got morbid guy i like how one fire was like we got to wrap up and we have twitter questions so can we get to that and we didn't we didn't have first of all we had two questions and we don't need to wrap up oh oh now he's the guy who's like well i said a couple that means two that guy needs to fucking jump out a plane well that's a little extreme you need to fucking like skip lunch i don't want you

to have lunch one fire that's ridiculous yeah i got a couple i got a couple questions really yeah and then he says two oh that's it yeah i said a couple. Oh, really? Oh, so you're a cocksucker. Okay, cool. It's all good. There was a guy online. Did you get the thing? I want to go to this guy's Instagram. I sent it to somebody. I don't know if I sent it. No, I didn't send it to you guys because you guys... Anytime I send anything about rap to the check

group, to the chain, no one gives a fuck. You do. You do actually. One Fire does, but the rest of them don't. Where is it here? This guy, A-K-I-L-T-H-E-M-C. A killed the MC with one L.

Cool. It says, I'm not Tupac. And then he's rapping and he says, it's one thing to say, it's one thing, this is not the most fucked up Instagram of the week, even though it kind of is. So we're not going to play a theme song.

It's one thing to say someone looks like a person, but another to say that they are that person. I met Tupac in 1989, Sabragan, for less than a minute at Malcolm X Grassroots Building on the east side of L.A. We was both connected by way of the organization NAPO. He was from the Oakland chapter visiting the L.A. chapter for a naming ceremony before he was famous. I seen not talked to him two other times. This is specific.

Going back track even more. Becoming Mr. Backtrack even more on the bragging. In an elevator. This is specific. Going to traffic court. He was with, I mean, Jesus Christ. Okay. Going to traffic where he was with the real Spice One, rapper in the fucking 80s and 90s. I never said anything because they was engaged in a conversation that was not mine.

Talking about an incident that happened to him with some crips. I seen not talk to him again at the criminal court building when Snoop was on trial. I mean, Jesus Christ, this is specific. Those are my only encounters with Tupac. All lies on me. He made a music video, rapping. People are saying, he's saying people are saying he's Tupac, all lies on me. He made a music video, rapping. He, people are saying, he's saying people are saying he's Tupac and looks like Tupac. Now, let me tell you something.

You can look it up. I gave you the fucking thing. He doesn't look anything like Tupac. And this is the song. This is him rapping. Are you crazy? I mean, you can't understand? It's only going to take me a little bit to smash this ignorance, claiming that I'm Tupac.

Stop, ain't that a bitch? But I'm going to take it like a compliment. But I'm my own man. I got my own accomplishments. I live and die, but I'm really from L.A. South Central, Florence and Normandy. Ask around, I ain't hard to be found. My history is not a mystery. I get around, I've been putting it down. I'm 82 with the girl.

So far back. Yes. Playing the field. A politician. I've been handling mine Never throwing up No gang signs I got friends on both sides So I don't take sides Yes Playing in the field A politician As far as I'm concerned We all from one tribe So drunk

As far as I'm concerned Pushing the same vibe Black power Black love And black pride Dude The guy looks nothing like Tupac Oh my god

It's so weird Imagine being somebody that Imagine imagine like if i was like dude people think i'm josh dummel you would be like oh no they don't but i i think that i think people are saying i am josh dummel no they they always they come up, dude, I'm not Josh Duhamel, dude. I'm not the guy from Transformers. People come up to me, they say,

oh, I love you in Transformers. Dude, I'm not that guy. I met him once at fucking traffic court. And I've seen him. I did not talk to him, but at the DMV I was in line and I saw him waiting. Not in, I did not line and I saw him waiting.

I did not say... I saw him also again in fucking 2007 at the park in Oxnard. I was walking my dog. I used to live over there and I saw him. I did not say... I saw him. I know he's someone else. I am not him. There are no mirrors in parks.

I was not looking in the mirror. So stop calling and thinking I'm Josh Duhamel or Duhamel, whatever the fucking, how you say it? All right, babies, we wrapping up. Ottawa, Ontario, London, Ontario, Buffalo, Burlington, Philadelphia, follow the leader tour. Let's do this. Washington DC, Portland, Maine, Portland, Maine, Maine next week, Hampton beach, Mashantucket, Connecticut, Houston, Texas, Texas coming up, Wichita, Kansas, Kansas city, MO. And a bunch of others go to follow the leader,

go to crystalia.com and check out my tour date tour dates, blue apron. Remember to check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash congrats to get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash congrats. To get your first three meals free, do that. Square Cash, check out the new Boost Rewards program. Get the Cash app. Enter reward codes. Congrats. I always say reward codes.

Enter rewards code. Congrats. Get $5. Give $5 to Time's Up. Get it for iOS or Android now. And there is new shit in the store finally. And that's how he wrote it. New shit in the store finally. And that's how he wrote it. New shit in the store finally.

One fire? Ivan gets rid of. New merch is what we mean. It's disrespectful, but in actuality, what did we learn today? That's the new respectful. So go to crystalia.com,

get the new merch, and go to the Follow the Leader Tour. We're getting new shirts up there for Follow the Leader. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. It comes out every Tuesday or Wednesday, the videos. Very cool. Download the Chris D'Elia app for iOS or Android now,

and you can see the podcast before anyone else if you're a subscriber. Watch my specials. And here's a call to action. Have everyone tell your friend to watch Man on Fire. That would be cool. Just to give them a little briefing on the cult. All right? We'll see you at his show, babies.

Remember, all lies on me. Congratulations! you