Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 76. Flex Avenue

Episode Date: July 10, 2018

It's the 76th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about reggae and Mad Cobra. Also discussed: Jamaican dancing, the kids trapped in the cave, the worst movies on Netflix, and buying expensive clothes. Plus, Chris answers a bunch questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. And then, finally, add Bacardi Rum. And there you have it, the perfect summer mix. Bacardi, do what moves you. Live passionately, drink responsibly. Copyright 2024. Bacardi, its trade dress and the bat device are trademarks of Bacardi and Company Limited. Rum 40% alcohol by volume. This episode of Congratulations is brought to you by the Cash App. All the babies use the Cash App, which is why it's the number one finance app in the App Store.

And now the Cash Card is more powerful than ever with Cash App's latest feature, Cash Boost. Download the Cash App, get your free Cash Card, and select your boost. Save money when you swipe on stuff like coffee, Chipotle, Shake Shack, and more. Download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now. Episode 76. It is on. Episode 76. Did you ever think we'd make it? Did you ever think that you would be this rich it did you ever think that you would be this rich did you ever think that you would do this you know that song i used to love that song for no reason

when you're a kid you'd love a song for no reason just because it sounded good you know and then you grow up and hopefully that changes depending on what the things say what the songs say and the lyrics say but some idiots still like songs only because they sound good and that's okay for a little bit but don't like love actually a song like one time i was getting a tupac thing framed and brought up tupac already but uh was getting a tupac thing framed like aaron brothers or some shit you know and uh the guy was like oh you like tupac already, but was getting a Tupac thing framed at like Aaron Brothers or some shit, you know? And the guy was like, oh, you like Tupac? I was like, yeah. He's like, he's my favorite rapper. He's like, who else do you like?

And I was like, I don't know. Why? What about you? And he says, Nelly's pretty real. And I was like, see ya. You know? If you like compare Tupac to fucking Ha-An, you can't.

You know? Nelly made some bangers. I'm not saying he didn't make some bangers. But I'm just saying. It is what it is. I'm just saying it is what it is. I'm on my app right now live. They're getting the podcast first downloaded if you want to be doing that.

If you don't, then don't. but you should uh because it's fun because i because you get to see my fucking bicep up up like that up close um so uh oh god oh oh here one fire didn't update the things so that's cool he's he's got shows coming up right here and it has the fucking Portland, Maine and Hampton Beach and Foxwoods shows, which I did last week. I was in Portland, Maine, which by the way, is a,

is a really cute fucking nice place. Like you should take a lady there. Or if you're a lady, you should take a man there. Or if you are a lady and you like ladies, take a lady there. Or if you're a man and you're gay, take a man there.

But it's a nice little town that has like boats and shit on the ocean or whatever. And it's cute, you know. My opener said that it was like a place that a Steve Martin movie would shoot. And he's so right. And it was the best call he ever made. And I was pissed off that he made the good call, but I had to give it to him. You know? How about when your friends do something good and you're like, I got to hand it to you even though I want to fucking roast you.

But, yeah. So it was. It was a town that, like, Steve Martin would do a movie in. And then I realized that my opener always says like, this is like Groundhog's Day. And then after that, I was like, oh, it's better than the fucking Groundhog Day thing that you say. Because every town we go to, he's like,

oh, this is like the place like in Groundhog's Day. And he was like, well, I didn't want to do the Groundhog's Day one. So I had to think of a different person. So I thought of Steve Martin. And I was like, dude, I didn't want to do the Groundhogs day one, so I had to think of a different person, so I thought of Steve Martin. And I was like, dude, you cheated. You cheated. You fucking cheated, dude. Anyway, I got an announcement here. It just kind of came out.

I'm doing a new thing for Netflix. I just kind of came out. I'm doing a new thing for Netflix. So I'm doing that thing. It's a global stand-up comedy event. Commie event or comedy event? Because I said commie, but that's not what I do. I do comedy. And so it's a global Netflix event.

It's pretty cool what they're doing. And so it's a global Netflix event. It's pretty cool what they're doing. They're doing a bunch of different regions. They're doing one in Brazil and Asia and America and all sorts of different spots. And it's like a global – this is comedy all around the world. And I'm doing one of the american one i'm doing the american one uh and it's me neil brennan nicole byer and nick swartzen my buddies so we're doing that we're shooting it in a few weeks in montreal and that is not to be confused with the

show i'm also doing in montreal on i think the 27th that's a different show. So anyway, go to JFL. Get your tickets there. So that's what's up. I'll be in Houston in two weeks, two weekends. We're doing that. We've got a fucking retreat that we're going on here with the babies because it's the only time on this tour that I'm doing a comedy club because I like Houston. I haven't been there in a while and I wanted to fucking just kind of post up and do that and make some money and get the bag, dude.

I wanted to get the bag in Houston. That's it. That's all I wanted to do. There's bags everywhere and I needed to get the bag in Houston and there's a few bags in Houston so I wanted to stay a few extra days at the comedy club and get some bags.

That's all. I get the bag, bag, bag. What you can, I've thought about, like, they should be more specific. Because you could just get, like, a tender green, a bag of fucking Whole Foods. And it's not that expensive. But do they mean Gucci? I don't know. I wore a shirt on the when they announced

the thing on on the deadline about the global stand-up event on Netflix they took my

Sicario premiere what do you call it photo and I had the fucking Gucci shirt on with the that looked like a tablecloth and it was

but it was a flex purchase dude that's what it was sometimes you gotta flex I had to go into gucci and get the bag take it off put it on and start flexing at the sicario premiere and dude you know what you think i wasn't thinking about how it was matching the back poster dude i the fucking things on my shoulders literally looks like the fucking sicario thing dude i had to i had to keep it down south a little bit because the whole movie takes place down south and it was a flex purchase and it was a flex wear

and every now and then you got to flex you have to flex i get it now i was talking to my buddy who was like oh you just wear gucci because you want to emulate rappers and shit like that no it's not i like the shirt and he was like you wouldn't wear if it was quicksilver i was like no granted quicksilver would make that shirt be a piece of shit because it's quicksilver and I'm not a surfer has anyone ever worn quicksilver if they're not a skateboarder or a surfer I don't think so but uh but yeah I would have worn it too if it was Quicksilver if if it was $15 but I had to get the bag dude it was a it was a fucking flex purchase man how am I gonna live this life and not flex a little bit the fuck

I'm on my masterpiece shit dude I'm here man how the fuck am I not gonna to flex? You have to flex a little bit. If you're in flex territory and flex range, you got to go get the bag and flex a little bit. Otherwise, what are you going to be? Some boring motherfucker that's just chilling? Some celeb that's in like a Marvel movie and just gives basic answers? No, I don't give basic answers, dude. I give flex answers. So put on the flex outfit and go flex a little bit. I mean, I'm not a fucking bodybuilder. If I was, you guarantee you better fucking believe I'd have one of those mini tank tops on that expose my nipples. Dental floss around the shit.

That's me getting the bag when I'm working out sculpting my body dude that's me getting the fucking workout bag but right now i'm on this comedy tip and that's what my life is dude so if i go to the sicario premiere i'm on flex avenue do you know i'm talking about and i know the back road I'm on Flex Avenue Do you know what I'm talking about? And I know the back road I know the back road to get there I'm on Flex Avenue and fucking Flex Center Yeah And dude, and not flex all day

People are like, flex all day, not flex all day Sometimes chill a little bit and don't flex Leave the bag at home Put on a fucking white t-shirt. Go out. Have a good time. You don't need to flex every fucking day. You flex every day.

You're an asshole. Every now and then when you go to a fucking movie premiere or you go have a lunch or you're trying to fucking impress somebody, you know, you flex a little bit. Oh, flex. Time to have a sex. Remember Mad Cobra little bit. Oh, flex. Time to have sex. Remember Mad Cobra, dude? Oh, flex. Time to have sex. Mad Cobra, you know?

Dude, his name was Mad Cobra. Flex. Time to have sex. was mad cobra flex uh time of sex and if you look at the video go to the video one fire fucked it up it starts oh the video of mad cobra flex starts with him with his hands behind his back and his head is down and the waves are crashing into his feet and he's wearing you know what he's wearing in the in the in the in the music video exactly what you think he'd be wearing of course he's wearing a vest with no shirt under it because that's flexing that's the ultimate flex is the vest with no shirt under it i don't give a fuck if you're white, black, Persian, Indian. It doesn't matter what the fuck you are.

You could be from Mars and they would be like, they would come in with a fucking vest with a green. You could see their whole green body with a vest over it. And they'd be like, why are you wearing that, Crevelar? And he'd be like, because I am flexing. Flex, time to have a sex. Dude, do you know that song by the way flex time to have a sex added an a to it oh my god dude here we go i'm gonna i'm gonna play this song for you because i don't know if you know this song you definitely don't know this song i mean unless you're like

40 which i'm not yet I still got years in front of me, babies. Years to flex. Every now I'm 38. I'm at the age. Did you ever see the British version of the office when he's, when they were like, cause you know, you're 39 and he's like, he's might. I always think about that. Cause it's going to be 40 and he doesn't want to admit that he's 40. Tha is my flex mad cobra. You guys are just chilling, dude. This is going to be a loosey-goosey, chilling-ass time. No nothing, just hanging out. We're on the phone.

That's basically what we're doing. We're on the phone. Wow, it has 8 million views, this song. I didn't know it was so fucking popular. It was like the first reggae song that was like big. Not really. I don't know that. But it was in my head. And you know the first reggae song that was like big. Not really. I don't know that. But it was in my head.

And you know what? That's all we need to know. Come on, dude. This internet sucks. Dude, one fire. We said we were going to fix it. And by we, I mean you. And you didn't do it.

But we got to fix it. It's fixable. How about when Alex Jones was like, there's a civil war that's going to happen. And then everyone knew it wasn't going to happen it didn't happen and then now he listens now people still listen to alex jones hey what the fuck if you make a fucking claim that hard there's going to be a civil war on july 4th and then there isn't then you get you know what you get you know what you get your tongue cut out that's it You can't just fucking do that shit and say that shit.

That guy, how do people listen to fucking Alex Jones for real in a non-ironic way? Also, you shouldn't listen to him in an ironic way because it just views, views, views and then it becomes money and then he's getting bags

and now he can get a fucking Gucci tablecloth shirt and he's going to go to the Sicario premiere it's fucked man it's good internet maybe. It's good internet? Maybe it's just my internet. One Fire says the internet's good, but I'm looking at it with my goddamn eyes, and boy, it's not loading, so who's the liar?

Here we go. Who's the liar? One Fire or me? Not me. Not me. Here it is. Oh, it plays through the thing. oh oh it plays for the thing oh youtube plays for the thing come on dude it's stopping here we go oh wait wait it too long he says oh he's so dude i gotta get this outfit for real i have to get this outfit and just wear

it just around guy how much is he 12 too in this video it's so weird that black guys will look fucking black guys will be 11 and look 25 and then look 25 until they're 74 and then and then and then or it's weird black guys have two modes they're either young black guy or old black guy you ever seen a black guy that's 40 i've never seen one in my life it's either fucking somebody you went to high school with or Morgan Freeman. One day, it's like, it's just, they're all, they're just like, he's a young guy.

He's like, hey, what's up? What's going on? Yeah, cool. And then one day it just, and he's just like, well, you know, Sidney Poitier, Morgan Freeman. Dude, there's no,

I've never seen a 40-year-old black guy in my life. Never seen a 45-year-old black guy in my life, ever in my life. I never will i mean dude how reggae you know is it a latin i'm so ignorant are they saying things or are they just saying versions of fucking language? Little. For no reason. Ah, lost his mind. Little. Flex. Ah. Time to have a sex. Just say time to have sex.

Hey. Oh, shit. Is this racist? I don't know. I'm probably just ignorant Oh wait no but the fucking There's that song and then the Sim Sima Who's got the keys to my bima Who am I

Sim Sima Which I don't know what that means Who's got the keys to my bima Which I guess he's See every now and then reggae will do like it's like that you know what it's like it's like german i was watching tv in in uh in england i was watching the german channel and and they like some words in german are still fucking english i swear to god i was watching this show and it's always the creepiest ones too i was watching a german show in uh in in when i was in italy and um

i was like 19 and they go like and they go and the guy was like i swear to god it was like i swear to god i'm not lying he said killing technique i was like you know there's a fucking here's the thing you know there's a word was like, you know there's a fucking – here's the thing. You know there's a word for killing, and you know there's a word for technique in German, but they didn't do it because they wanted to scare the shit out of you. That's why. That's creepy. Here we go. See, that's what – that's what reggae is.

Like – okay, seven days a week She's singing That's regular English I don't know what it was But here, right here Come on, dude Reggae songs I feel like this is probably a thing

Reggae songs do They take 45 minutes to get into the song They love to feel it You know what I mean? Just get into the song Here we go, Lord Okay, and Didn't. Here we go, Lord. Okay, and did it make sense?

He goes, Lord. Ian Metallic Girl. I think that means you're in my hotel, girl. I don't know what he's saying, but dude, that's so... This is going to be my wedding song, I swear to God. They're going to be like, I do. Hey, fucking flex. Do you take this, woman? Yep, I do.

Hey, woman, do you take this fucking flex, God hey woman do you take this fucking flex god we do okay cool you're married and then just just turn her around and do that disrespectful dance that they do in the hood where they fucking where the fucking hands her hands are on the ground and I'm holding her shins

like she's a wheelbarrow and she, and it boom, boom. And like, she's fucking, and it hurts us. And it's like, you know what I mean?

You know that fucking thing? Just go on Instagram and type in crunk. And it'll be like fucking dude, they go nuts. Like Dominicans or what? I don't even know where that is, where they do that. But when they do that shit,

Oh my God, just boom, boom. People are getting hurt you ever see those fucking dancings dude they get hurt as fuck literally they'll just be like like your pelvic bone will be smashing into her fucking clit and just hurting and the zipper will be hurting and you don't give a fuck though you don't give a fuck because you're dominican or wherever the fuck it is brazilian

i don't know what it is all i know is it's not american so don't come at me with the fucking racist shit but dude they hurt their genitals because that's how you fucking get down dude i want to do that shit with my wife when i get married i go like this i go like this i do and then i and then i go you know where your palms go, baby. And she puts them down on the ground. And then I grab her shins like in the most disrespectful way. And her dad's going, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he's like, you know, getting into the fucking.

Si ma. Who's got the. That's what we play. That's all we play in my wedding. The flexa. Tanto of sexa. And then some dance hall shit a little bit. And then also Beanie Man.

That's it. And by the time we get back to our hotel... By the time we get back to our telly... By the time me and my girl get back to me telly... Our genitals are so fucked because of the zippers. Because we fucking mashed the zipper up against my cock, the base of my cock, and up against the fucking... Against her clit. That we don't even have sex.

We don't even consummate the marriage. Is that the word? Consummate? And then we play this. This is the... Dude, I know this is reggae or whatever the fuck. This is the most New York song that has ever been in the world. If you were in New York in 1999, every fucking car that drove by had this shit. Oh, dude.

If you were in New York and a cab drove by without playing fucking Sim Sima, who's got the keys to my bimba? In 1999, if a cab drove by and that song wasn't playing, they got their fucking taxi license revoked. Dude, that song was everywhere. That one. You know what? I fucking love it. Dude, I love how stupid everything is. That and fucking Noriega and the fucking that super thug song.

Almost took a sip of my La Croix and it didn't fucking even open yet. Oh, dude, so disrespectful. These dancings. You know what you go to? Go to fucking crazy Jamaicans dancing. Just type that in. Oh, I heard himself fell down so hard we're watching videos look at the fucking thing join us join us on facebook.com black vines oh he pushed her on the ground dude i'm you know what you're not dancing unless you dance like this fuck that i will never dance oh god oh god oh god oh god this guy's standing on a fucking trash can holding a pole

and jumping oh disrespect jumping pushing his fucking cock standing on her she's bent over and he's standing on her this is the most disrespectful dancing i've ever heard in my life i you know what i don't i'm never dancing like anything except this again and the girl doesn't like it i'm not with her i'm gonna dude you need parachutes to dance like this this is the wwe i mean they're literally body slamming each other what what they're literally they literally if you're Jamaican and you dance like this. I mean, they'll have like literally like elderly doing it. They'll have like people on walkers just with fucking jean shorts. jean shorts and wife beaters and and and a fucking girl with leggings with a print on it and you'll just be dude why do why what is this culture it's wwe

unbelievable dude we got to play this on the video podcast we can yeah i mean the tits out just. Oh, me gals them sugar. One thing is for sure. One thing is for sure with this dancing. Me gals them sugar. One thing is for curl. I mean, dude, reggae is just nothing to be fucked with. Tingaling, shabba Runks. Wow.

Nobody did it like Shabba Runks. Nobody did it like Shabba Runks. Dude, you know what was awesome too? Is like they try to make a music video out of it and it's like they'd be like and then they would try to make like a story like he's not just saying ting-a-ling-a-ling oh my god dude look at this look at these lyrics what is this done wife mad cobra tell her leave your man alone and go look her own can't trespass pawn your pawn you know just say on adding a p to it hold on go back up dude okay tell her leave your man alone and go look her own

can't trespass upon your compound mate have to bowl mad cobras mad cobras say well then well Well, then. Well. He's like the worst evil villain ever. Done wife and you no watchmate. Make your gal no them pot you not scrape. Scrape. Hit. You look good, gal. You have the cute face. It's basic.

So foreign. You have the cute face. Man mad over your looks and shape, well, big tings, a gal man, a run you down, a gal vexed, like a you make she done, what, dude, I'm so dumb, I don't get this shit, I want to fucking, I got to fucking get into this music. This is the illest shit. Fuck all the other music. I swear to God, and I mean it too in an ironic way. This is the shit. This guy's just killing it.

He's just talking. This is the shit, dude. Fuck all your stupid bullshit music. Dude, look at these names. Buju Banton? dude look at these names bujo banton wow i gotta get into this music for real i'm listening to this you know what it is the summer of reggae I love reggae so much. I would fucking.

That's awesome, dude. I would fucking. Dude, how old is Shabba Runks now? I would love to chill with him. I would love to hang out with Shabba Runks. You know what, Shabba Runks? I'm inviting you to a show. Wherever the fuck you want to be. Wherever you want to go, I'm inviting you to a show.

You want to come to fucking houston this weekend come by oh dude imagine trying to pick up shicks with shabba ranks he's 52 that's it wow he was like 11 when he came out oh you know there we go because he was still doing baby talk he was 11 i'm in my di-i-pa. Gals are gross. They got cooties. He's even younger. I'm four years old.

Gals give you cooties. I'm in my di-i-pa. I want my diaper. Ting-a-ling-a-ling. I want poopy. Ting-a-ling-a-ling. Mommy, can I have a cookie? What was the fucking big Shabarank's one? Oh, dude, Mad Cobra.

I'm so jealous that that guy thought of that name Mad Cobra. I'll tell you what if I lived my whole life doing something and then thought of the name Mad Cobra I would stop what I was doing and become a fucking musical artist and call my name Mad Cobra that's how dope that name is wow Wow.

Man. There's somebody that if you had a me too against, like literally, like if seven fucking me twos could come up about Shabba ranks and he would just be like, and you'd just be like, maybe he would just be like me. God damn just be like, maybe he would just be like, me goddamn sugar. And you'd be like, oh, he's, meh, all right.

Well, he just lives a different life. Oh, fuck. Oh, wow. Reggae's the shit. I got, all summer I listen to reggae. I'm not listening to anything but reggae. All right. Quip.

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the fact that it's, what is Dunn? See, I don't know these names. I got to fucking look it up. Or maybe I don't. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe it's better if I don't. God, Mad Cobra flexes, huh? Oh, wow.

What is that? What is that song? Flintstones. Oh, it goes to the Flintstones beat. Wow, this guy's a genius. He's a genius. Mad Cobra and Shabba Ranks. I want them both to come to a show.

I swear to God, I'll give you front row seats. I'll give you a shout out, whatever you want. Wow. Wow. Anyway, whatever. What happened this week though right those kids were in the fucking cave in uh uh taiwan right thailand idiot um and uh and they were in thailand and uh the coach brought him in there bad coach hey worst coach ever that i mean honestly like now it'd would be like any coaching decision that happens or anything.

It's like, oh, you fucked up. You put in the wrong guy in the NBA. You'd be like, well, at least I wasn't that guy in fucking Thailand. At least I wasn't that coach, huh? Led all the fucking kids into a cave. What the fuck, dude? Did you see the cave? First of all, those people are grown adults with all the gear doing anything like

that are insane you have to have a passion i was watching these archaeologists dig through this fucking cave and like go down these guys were talking about like they were looking for like old fossils for our first like hominids and uh they said shit like we'll be descending down uh in between two rocks and by the way it's like this big and they're like sliding down and you'll get to the point where finally there's nothing below you so what you do is you slowly keep uh climbing lower and lower until you feel your feet touch something and then you stand on that. What? Dude. And then they find

like a fourth of a jaw and it's basically like just jizz city for them. They're just like, we found a mandible. We found a mandible. And by the way, say jaw. If you say mandible. And by the way, say jaw. If you say mandible, you're a fucking cocksucker.

You got to hear these guys talk about that. They're like, we found a mandible from a hominid and a yada yada. Just say fucking. And it was a hominid we didn't know existed. And it was unbelievable. And thank God to these guys. And the guys always got some kind of fucking hat that Sean Connery would wear in a movie in fucking 1993. And he's just – and they just – it's just jizz city if they find a fourth of a jaw.

It's unbelievable, dude. But the passion they have, that's what I love about it, is they have such passion. And the more we find out about our history, the more knowledgeable we are about things. And maybe it helps us in the future. Who knows what the fuck? But it's good to know about all that shit. I get it. But these guys are risking their lives. I mean, these fucking things could...

You saw the 147 hours, what the hell that movie was? These things shift and guys get caught and they die, dude. They die. They don't even know when they find these mandibles. If they're from like early, early, early on in prehistoric times, or they're from fucking like last Wednesday when a guy slipped and fell and

then they bring it and then they don't do anything. They just find it and then they go and then they tell them that they're the mandible is there. And then their team comes out and they find like, but these guys are crazy and they find like, but these guys are crazy, and they're adults, and this is their job, and a coach took 12-year-olds there in monsoon season. That's crazy to me.

That's so wild. Why? I wonder why. I wonder what it was. They were just like, yeah, let's go on a trip. Hey, dude, go see the Liberty Bell. Go see whatever the fucking Thailand version of the Liberty Bell is. You don't need to go underground.

Thank God they all made it. But that Navy SEAL guy, he's a hero. He died trying to save him. That's so sad. All because of some coach made a bad coaching decision. Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. How about how Trump also fucking was announcing the new Supreme Court seat like it was on the end episode of The Apprentice. He was like, hey, guys, Monday, nine o'clock, I'm announcing my pick. Hey, just say it. Hey, this is the world. Hey man, you're the leader of the free world. Hey, just say it. Do you know who it is?

Say it now. Why do you need to tease us you're the president not a slut dude are you wearing a fucking bikini are you a thought or are you the leader of the free world just tell us who's gonna be sitting down at the fucking Supreme Court. Hey, what do you know? It was a white guy. What's his name? Kavanaugh?

Brett Kavanaugh? They're trying to overturn Roe v. Wade. I don't. And then I turn on Fox News. Dude, I watch Fox news sometimes because like, I just like to see, it's so weird. Like I get news is biased.

Now I get CNN. You turn on CNN, it's biased. You turn on Fox news is biased. The other way, the one thing Fox news that has over CNN though, is that Fox news will straight up talk, talk shit about like specific CNN stuff. Like cnn will be like well you know sometimes the

other networks they'll lead to fox news will basically be like hey cnn i fucked your bitch fox news will be like yeah but cnn says this shit and they're dirty tricksters and they're trying to fucking i ain't got no mother this is this is fox news but i don't i don't i don't understand that like it's not news anymore it's all opinion shit like hannity and those guys they're just like so trump announced the cavanaugh announced announced cavanaugh as the new supreme supreme court what do they say justice and um and i turn on fox news just to see what they were saying about it because i was talking about cnn i was listening i was watching cnn so i turn on fox news because i want to get

i want to see the both sides you know and they were like the left has been trying to bring brett cavanaugh down and his family down ever since Trump announced and they literally just announced it like what are you talking about they just announced it I turn on Fox News and Hannity was like the left is doing what they do they are bringing him down and his beautiful family they are looking for dirt and making up lies and it just happened how how it didn't they didn't even know trump was teasing it like a fucking thought it's so weird dude i i like where do you get your news now? Where are you supposed to get your news?

You're supposed to fucking look at all the different news. And then come up with a fucking opinion. We're too stupid for that. Somebody told me they were, they were like, you want the news? They were from Texas. They were like, you want the real news?

You got to turn on this. It was like called like American one, which sound, it was called American from Texas. They were like, you want the real news? You got to turn on this. It was called like American One. Was it called American One News? What the fuck was it? And it was so right. It was so funny. And I was like, this is the news you watch? And they were like, Hillary is the devil.

That's what it was. One American News Network. One American News. By the way, it sounds like it's fucking propaganda one american news it's always talking about how good trump is and how bad hillary is people talk about how oh well yeah hillary suck yeah who gives a fuck now hillary isn't the president that's literally like saying yeah oh you say if you say oh well yeah well hillary suck you say yo trump sucks and then somebody says yeah but hillary sucked that's

like you might as well say oh yeah well fucking shabba ronks would have been bad at being president yeah oh yeah he's not the president either man shabba ronks and hillary clinton have something in common they're both not the president Stop saying they'd be bad at president. Hit. Go on Twitter and look at people who say Hillary is terrible and then say Shabarang's too. How about when your fucking,

when your thing comes up on your, on your Safari is up and it says you're most looked at websites and one of them is fucking Pornhub. That's cool. Frequently visited sites. I have my website. By the way, I don't even really, I don't watch. I don't, I straight up barely watch porn. I'm not saying I don't.

But like, how is this on it this must be old inbox my gmail my fucking website my stats to my podcast porn hub one time i opened up my one time i was watching porn and I uh I turned oh I have a trick for you guys one time I was watching porn and I closed my laptop I guess while it was on and then I went to Starbucks oh yeah I did talk about this and I opened it up at Starbucks and it was at the point where fucking the girl was going oh yeah in Starbucks and so I closed it back down I was like fuck what do I do and I had to open up the laptop and turn the volume down really quickly but i realized to beat that all you got to do is plug your fucking earphones in and then open it up and you get the hell yeah now of course you

pop boners in the starbucks but they're private boners they're not public boners that everybody knows about now dude i was watching this fucking movie uh Contract to Kill with Steven Seagal because I looked up. There was an article on Vice. Dude, it was killing me. This article on Vice was making. They were like what the worst movies on Netflix are. The way this guy wrote this article was so fucking funny. It was a Vice article.

And whoever wrote this was so funny. We got to find the article. This is it. What's the guy's name? Jamie Lee Curtis. Well, that's not the's the guy's name? Jamie Lee Curtis. Well, that's not the guy's name, right? Jamie Lee Curtis Tate. Maybe that is Jamie Tate, probably.

Dude, this article is funny, man. He talks about the worst movies and he describes them. And, dude, when he gets to the fucking Contract to Kill, which is a Steven Seagal one. Look at this. Here, look at this. Send this to me, dude. contract to kill which is a steven seagal look at this here look at this send this to me dude the the i don't know how to fucking before we go is on this the movie about chris evans

where he plays a trumpet and he said chris evans was trying to play it was directed it and it acted in it and he gave any so he tried to learn to play the trumpet and he gave up halfway because it was too hard and just finished the movie which was so funny and he was like that's exactly what this movie is it was just like ideas that people had and then just kind of were like oh yeah it's a good idea but then it should have stopped there um then there was the but the movie uh um the best one was the movie Contract to Kill. Dude, Steven Seagal is still doing movies

and he looks like a fucking grape. Okay? Steven Seagal looks like a grape with a goatee and rose-tinted glasses. And, dude, they described him as... This killed me.

This guy described Steven Seagal as an erection with a vampire drawn on it. Dude, that's the funniest roast. I mean, dude, he said, Steven Seagal as always looks like an erection with Dracula drawn on it. Dude, I was fucking rolling around. I was like, I got to watch this movie. So I watched this movie. And, dude, there is so much explaining in the first 20 minutes, dude.

And they say so much. And it's so boring. And Steven Seagal is saying it so badly it's unreal and it is so boring that they that they have to like they obviously shot it the scenes of two guys talking and then they add whatever they're talking about they'll like cut to it that's how boring it was that's how you know it's the scene was so boring um another one on there that i tried to listen it was yoga hosiers or whatever uh yoga hosiers which was by kevin smith i guess and i turned on a fucking 10 minutes of that movie man

let me just describe it right here this is what the guy wrote on vice it's a kevin smith movie about two girls who work in a canadian convenience store and have to save canada from nazi bratwursts that kill people by crawling up their asses. I hope that description doesn't make it seem like it's some kind of wacky romp. Despite a lot of effort to make it exactly that, the end result is a painful, austere slog. I don't know what that is. But yeah, I don't know. Johnny Depp's daughter is in it, which I didn't even know he had a daughter. Johnny Depp's going through having a good week, huh?

And Adam Brody is in it, you know? God, when I see people like Adam Brody, who used to be a big star, and I guess he's still acting and stuff, in a movie like this, it's just like a weird. I've never seen. I've never, I can't feel unless like I love doing that, doing standup. Like I don't have to take gigs.

I don't want to take, because I'll just go on the road and fucking get bags. You know what I mean? But then it's like, it's like if a guy who, if you're an actor, you just have to take roles that you don't want to take. And you have to pretend that you're into it. You're like, nah, yeah, I like it.

Yeah. That's how you get those shitty-ass movies that come out and they're like – like every premiere, everyone is like, we did it. And then it comes out and you didn't do it. It's a horrible movie most of the time. And most of the time it doesn't do well. But everyone is so close to it and loves it so much that they're like, yay, we did it. And it's fucking absolute shit. I'm not saying anything about these movies.

I didn't watch the whole movies. I don't know. Maybe they're fucking good. i have no fucking idea but all i'm saying is i say no to shit because i can because i do stand up and i fucking thank whoever's in charge for that and that person is me because i'm in charge of me but it's just like, man, having to take these gigs would suck. I take,

you know, it's like me gals damn sugar. You know, you know what I'm saying? It's me gals damn sugar. That's all. Shabba Ronks doesn't have to do a movie if he doesn't want to

because me gals damn sugar. I'm going to order food and get all disrespectful on you motherfuckers doing it now fuck it we'll do it live that was the best fuck it we'll do it live that was the best so mad I love when'll do it live. That was the best. So mad. I love when guys get so mad because they get so bitch and their hair moves like in a fucking way.

Like a German bad guy at the end of a movie. You ever see a German bad guy at the end of a movie? Their hair is always so bitch, dude. Because they're getting punched and shit and they've got like sweat and shit. And it's like their hair was gelled and then it's like a little bit of it is like coming out over it and it's like bouncing in front of their hair and in front of their face it's the most bitch shit ever that's very very bitch um one of the comments on the fucking mad cobra song is big up to all the wifeys imagine writing that and then two people liked it imagine being like dude yo i'm gonna fucking comment you know what this song is so like this song that, by the way, is this song to be listening to this, first of all, on YouTube, not on any streaming audio app on YouTube.

YouTube. Right here. And then to be like, you know what? I'm commenting. And then to comment, big up to all the wifeys. And then imagine being a wifey and seeing that and feeling good because somebody commented that. Wow. Dude, the internet's amazing. And then somebody else commented that. Wow. Dude, the internet's amazing.

And then somebody else commented, Dunwife, Mad Cobra said that. What? God, these, who comments, whoever comments on a YouTube video, who does that? That's amazing. I'm going to start doing that.

I got to do that. I got to get a vest. Two things I got to do. I got to get a vest, not wear any shirt under it like fucking Mad Cobra, and then I got to start commenting. That's what I got to do. That's my day tomorrow. I'm getting a vest. I'm wearing no shirt, and then I'm going to be commenting on YouTube all day long.

Stuff like, ah, fucking big up to all the wifeys. Damn, this one's good. I'm going to come. You know what? Tomorrow, go to my YouTube channel. I don't know if you can see that activity on YouTube.

Sign in, add me on YouTube. You'll see, dude. I'm going to comment on so many YouTubes tomorrow. It's crazy. Got any good YouTubes? The door guy

to my brother's Got any good YouTubes? The door guy to my brother's building said that to him once. He sent him a YouTube video and he said, got any good YouTubes? Like it's fucking. And then one time when I grew up in La Cunada kind of, I'd go to this place. I had a killer fucking tuna melt. And I'd go and sometimes I'd get bacon on the tuna melt.

And the guy would say, how many bacons? Safaran. How many bacons? How many bacons? Dude. How many bacons? Wow. I remember one time when i was a kid i was eating i don't know who picked me up but it was whoever picked me up from the park i was in new jersey and my friend's sister who god what a fucking little cunt i was so my friend's sister was in the front seat my friend

was not in the seat my friend's mom was picking me up my friend's sister was in the front seat. My friend was not in the seat. My friend's mom was picking me up. My friend's sister was in the front seat and she was like five and I must have been nine or something and I was eating candy and the my friend's sister turned around and saw what a fucking asshole

I was. Saw my... Dude, this is so... I mean, now I know why I'm like this. So just listen to this. So my friend's sister turned around and saw me eating candy and said, I could have one. And I said to her, I was eight or whatever, seven. Oh, I could have been six. Who knows, dude, I could have been fucking six. And I said, you didn't ask me. You told me. You should say, can I have one?

And that was it. She turned around. What a fucking dick. But I was right. But I'm right. I could have one. That's like, what are you, a fucking supreme leader? I can have one.

Talking about a country. I can have one one day. She turned around. She said, I can have one. And I said, that's not how you ask. That's what I said. I said, that's not how you ask a question. Oh, the most cunt seven-year-old.

What a dick I was. now now i have rules dude i was fucked from the beginning man i mean i was fucked from the beginning how did i get like that were my parents like that they weren't like that wow my parents you know what shout out to my parents dude they were to take that piece of work that just came out of the womb with like some that's not how you ask that question i fucking like i owned some business as a fucking seven-year-old. That's not how you ask that question. To a younger girl. In her front seat. And I'm in the back.

And to make me not be some. And I'm, you know. My parents, wow. They did what they could. You know. I could have been a real piece of shit at work. I'm not saying I'm great. But. real piece of shit work i know i'm not saying i'm great but

wow uh anyway want to do some twitter questions do we have some uh what's the best prank you or someone you know ever have ever done on a substitute teacher Derek Doan I don't really like pranks although in high school I guess I liked them maybe my sense of humor wasn't developed it wasn't as developed scuck but like pranks were for people who aren't really that funny but I'll tell you some pranks I used to do though not in high school but one time i had a roommate and she was this chick and i was best friends with her brother we also lived with and i don't keep in touch with either of them now speaks volumes about my relationships

but um i would go and i would go to the bathroom number two in her toilet and I would leave it there and I would walk over. So I wouldn't even wipe there. I'd walk over to my bathroom and then I'd wipe there. So I would just leave shits in her toilet and without toilet paper in it. And then I did that and then she didn't say anything for a few times until finally she was like, Chris, did you go to the bathroom in my toilet? And I'd be like, no, what are you talking about? She's like, well, okay.

And the best part was I know she was so confused because there was no toilet paper in it. Like what a nincompoop, dude. Also, imagine me walking. You ever like run out of toilet paper and you got to walk to the other bathroom and you look like one of those fucking influencers with those bands and they're trying to work their glutes, you know? You're walking around the house with your pants around your ankles and a shitty ass just up the stairs. Just like, God damn it, why didn't I check first? So I did that.

And then one time, and then I would also, she had the poster taped up. These are the pranks I would do. And I would take her poster and I would like lower it an inch every time if she left until it got like so low.

And it was, because it was so minuscule until she'd be like hey chris and i was like yeah she said could you come in here and i walked in and she was like does that poster look low and i was like what dude i would i was trying so hard not to laugh like that's the dumb fucking pranks i do i don't want anybody to get hurt or anything. I just want to like fuck with them a little bit to be like, did I? Those two pranks I did. But in high school, just with the substitute teacher, I would do stuff like

I mean, I probably did some stuff, but I don't know. Is there another one? Thanks for your quest uh what do you think of david blaine congratulations by i love david blaine i think he's fucking cool i just think he's cool you know what i think he is sexy i bet that guy has sex with the hottest girls because girls love magicians they really do even bitch-ass ones with cards but david blaine will just like stand on a log for eight days and girls will be like i know girls are like i'm gonna fuck him i'm talking about victoria's secret models i bet too i think

david blaine's the shit. This is great. Evan Clare. How about those fucking pancake artists who make pancakes that look like cats and celebrities and shit and then people just eat them and that's it? Yep. That's exactly how to describe that. They just – you just – dude, don't have art you eat. Just fucking make the food and that's it.

Even my dad will like cook pasta and he'll be like, wait, wait, wait. Don't – have everybody look at it yet before you dig in like s stallion have everyone look at it i did it the other day i was i was eating it and i and i just opened i just started digging in he was like nobody saw it and i was like i don't give a fuck we're eating it come on so but the basil the basil makes it look fucking nice basil you know uh skip that one um that's it that's good we had a good show right talked about reggae for way too long but i think it needed to be talked about to be brutally So I got some shows coming up. Houston, Wichita, Kansas City, Lincoln, Reno, Las Vegas, Ontario, Buffalo, Burlington. I got a bunch of them. San Francisco, Los Angeles. People always ask me when I'm going to Los Angeles.

Got a big one in there. Atlanta, Jacksonville, West Palm Beach, Miami, Portland, Oregon, San Antonio, Austin, Bakersfield, Fresno, Boston, San Francisco. I already said that. Download the Crystalia app for iOS or Android. Subscribe, rate, and review the show. It really helps on iTunes or wherever you do that. And there's new merchandise at the store, Crystalia.com. Merchandise at the store, chrisdalia.com.

Buy tickets to my Follow the Leader Tour, chrisdalia.com. And Square Cash. Check out the new Boost Rewards program. Get the Cash app. Enter rewards code. Congrats. Get $5.

Give $5 to Time's Up. Get it for iOS or Android now. And the video episodes go up soon. So if you want to watch that, great. If you want to watch that, great. Watch Man on Fire. And I got this new – did I mention it that I have a new Netflix thing? Yeah, that I'm doing.

I'm shooting it soon in Montreal, the Netflix thing. So I'm going to have some more material on there. Thank you for listening. And the premiere of the show that I did alone together is August 1st. So I'm in a few episodes of that. So check that out. Thanks for listening guys. And remember, I'm Miguel's dim sugar. Outro Music