Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 77. Set It And Forget It!

Episode Date: July 16, 2018

It's the 77th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about hiking. Also discussed: infomercials, closeted gay behavior, getting hit on by guys, "unsolicited jizz", "Vietnam pubes", and TMZ. Plus, Chris answers a bunch questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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your boost save money when you swipe on stuff like coffee chipotle shake shack and more download the free cash app for iOS or Android now. Hey, guys. Don't know why, but when I was talking into the microphone and breathed in, I breathed in a fucking hair. And there was a hair on my microphone. Now, the weirdest thing is it was a fucking coarse blonde dog hair. I guess it could have been from salmon butters, but that's very weird. You guys,

it's episode 77. Download my app in the app store. Chris Talia typed that into the app store and you can go along with us live right now. It's the only way to listen to my podcast and watch my podcast live. Some people are on there right now saying what's up.

And I'm looking at them and I'm commenting. Somebody writes, what's wrong, Dad? I don't know why. I don't know. I was going to bed, but babies don't sleep. And they put a space in between SL and EEP. That's very, very, very, very, very South American to make that kind of a mistake. Anyway,

what's up? So we're sitting here. It's episode 77 and I'm going to be in Houston. Let's get that out of the way. I'm going to be in Houston Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. You understand me? I'm going to be in fucking Houston, sl it up dude I love Houston and I know it's going to be 175 degrees there and I know it's going to be humid as shit to make it feel like 210 and I know I'm going to see cowboy hats

and I know I'm going to see cowboy boots and I know that that's going to make me upset but I love Houston and I'm going to perform there it's probably sold out i'm not sure but there are maybe a few tickets left so um go you know i don't think it's sold out yet there's probably some some some tickets available on certain nights but uh so yeah i um I was getting my coffee earlier at my spot. And oh, cool.

It looks like, oh, man. How annoying is it when you get like a little bit of a boogie up in the top of your fucking nose and you're still doing it like that? And it sounds like you're on coke. And then people are like, you know what? I always like, I have such a fucking thing about how people, because I know people think I do coke and shit when they see me on stage and do all this shit. Because I'm very like animated and stuff. I don't do drugs, but I'm always conscious of that. So anytime I like wipe my nose or have to sniff, I'm like, oh, great. People are going to think I do coke even more now.

So I was getting my coffee, and the fucking guy, and the guy was trying to TMZ me, and I was just like, it was like, hey man, what's up, I was like, oh, what's going on in the coffee shop, and he was like, do you mind if I get, if I interview you afterwards, and I was like, oh, I don't know, man, I'm like, I'm like fucking tired of shit, but we'll see, and I left the place, and I pretended like I was on the phone. I hate doing that. I hate pretending like I'm on the phone because it makes me feel like a bitch. But it's better to just – I don't want to do that.

I want to be a guy that's just like – and I am. I'm way more like this than anybody I know. I say to people, no. And I look in their eyes and I make them feel that but like sometimes I just don't want to have to use that energy and I just want to like I'll be like I'll just pretend I'm on the phone it's a bitch move dude we're all bitches I'm a bitch a little bit right but it's okay at least one fighter is dressed like Ace Ventura right now he's got a fucking Hawaiian shirt on so that's cool um and but uh yeah so i did that and i got out

of it i don't know i don't mind doing tmz stuff sometimes if i'm like feeling it but like dude this guy hit my car the other day like it wasn't a bad a bad thing it not no no cuts showed up on my car but he was like uh he got out and tmz got out this other tmz guy was like hey man and i was like he was with his camera and i was like hey man like i just got out of my car because somebody hit me and he was like what's up dude and i was like i i just got into an accident man and he was like oh and he wasn't filming me but he was like you oh. And he wasn't filming me, but he was like, you want to, like, make it funny or something? And I said, oh, no. You know?

Eh. Do you want to make it funny? Eh. Also, it's not, you're not helping me. You know? TMZ needs content. I don't know. I don't really watch TMmz and i mean i've seen it when i'm on it and all that shit as a cock but um you know don't come up to a guy when

unless you're trying to just film the accident and it's like all right chris talia got in an accident i like i want to do a fucking interview what the the heck? Chris D'Elia got in an accident? Uh-oh. What does that mean for season three of Whitney? Why do they have that guy, you know? What the heck? We caught up with Tracy Morgan and he had a parrot? Outside of...

What's that fucking um restaurant what's that restaurant for fuck's sake dude i can never remember the fucking thing i want to remember dude i'm going my memory is i'm 38 my memories it's just gonna go dude what's the fucking catch? That's the fucking goddamn restaurant. It's one word and it's so easy to find. We caught up with Tracy Morgan and he had a parrot at catch. Would have been so much funnier if I just said it when I fucking said it, dude. But I didn't. Said it and forget it.

You ever see that fucking infomercial with the fucking guy? Dude, that guy jizzes so much. You ever see that fucking infomercial with the fucking guy? Dude, that guy jizzes so much. You know what? That guy, dude, set it and forget it. And then it burns. Set it and forget it and it burns. Nope. You got to remember, you got to end up taking it out of the fucking goddamn oven. Otherwise your house burns down. That's how it should be. Set it and forget it until you got to remember and you take it out of the oven. Otherwise, your house burns down. That should be the fucking whole thing.

Then, dude, isn't it? It's by Ronco. That's the most, dude, just sum it up. Six lobster tails and they taste amazing. This guy looks like a Duracell battery guy. Remember those guys with the fucking Duracell battery in their backs dude imagine getting a ronco rotisserie fucking twister or whatever the fuck it is ronco showtime rotisserie and barbecue compact model put the beans and and the and the fucking carrots in there and the rotisserie, set it and forget it.

Then take it out, eat it, and it tastes dry as shit. And they always have to eat it and they're like, wow, okay, wow, okay, wow. That's what the fucking girl always does. She'll eat it and she'll be like, okay, okay, wow. Shut up, dude. It sucks. I want to do one of those and I want to get it. I want to set it and forget it.

And then they always have it fucking. Now we already made one. And they have it. They have it like, and it's just in there and you just wait 25 minutes and it'll be golden. And then they always have one that's already done and they pull it out and a taste it and she eats it and she goes, wow. Not in it. Not in it. Now taste it. And she eats it. And she goes, wow. Not in it.

Not in it. Not in it. I don't know. You know? I don't fucking know. But Ronco. That fucking name, Ronco. Ronco sounds like the fucking fourth best soccer player.

Isn't there a guy named something like that ronco ronco scores ronco ronco dribbles it down the court and drunk court it's a basketball field uh anyway uh yeah set it and forget it uh so uh i uh i don't know man i i was i fucking this guy came up to me the other day when i was sitting having my fucking coffee dude i'm an old lady i don't give a shit man i'm an old lady i said i have coffee and i fucking sit with my friends sometimes i sit alone and i do my shit it's like i might as well be doing a crossword but this fucking guy came up to me he was like hey man is this seat taken and I was like oh dude there's an open seat over there and I pointed over there he looked like fucking ti kinda and he was like uh yeah but uh he's like I just want to ask you a few questions I was like oh man what's going on what didn't want to you know should have read the signs and he says i was just

like wondering you know because i want to be a comedian i'm a i'm a comedian he said i said i'm a comedian and i wanted to you know just pick your brain a little bit and like you know first of all no you know second of all there's no second of all um first of all no second of all there's no second of all but he was like you know i'm a comedian and i wanted to i wanted to you know i moved out here a few months ago and i just wanted to let you know i wanted to get get out here and like you know my uncle was like man you got to do the open mics and you got to like get good that way but like i'm not about all that you know i'm like i already got some stuff but like i'm just trying to like skip all that and i was like yeah you can't do that and he was like yeah but like i

mean like you know like i know like that's not cool to say but like i could do it he's like i just got to get up there and i was like well have you ever done stand-up and he said nah i said oh so you're not a comedian and he said well no i mean i you know like i if i just get up there i'll figure it out after a few times and i was like hey man he was like i was just is there any way like i could get your contact info and i was like nah i'm not gonna give you my number and he was like what about your manager and i said hey man you're not gonna do anything with this info you're not gonna fucking get in touch with my manager you're just talking bullshit so okay my manager's at three arts go fucking email him he's like all right man all right he fucking had this whole conversation with me wasted my time like he's not gonna do it he's not gonna fucking do it people love talking about

what they're you know how i know he's not gonna do it because he's fucking coming up to me and asking me for tips that's why i know he's not going to fucking do it. I didn't ask anybody for tips. I just fucking went up there and I did it. That's how you be a comedian. You don't have to fucking ask anybody for tips. There's no tips. There's no shortcuts. You just go.

You set it and forget it, dude. You get on stage and you set it and you forget it. Dude, how about in Houston, Texas? It's 100 degrees. Move. It's 100 fucking degrees right now in Houston, Texas. Move. Precipitation, 10%.

Move. Humidity off the charts. Move. Set it and forget it. Like, it's like, how many... I don't know, but it's so weird how people just want to waste your time because they want to feel good about themselves.

Like, I mean, I always go back to this, but like the people who write like their long Instagram captions, I think actually nobody reads those. Like not even 3%. Like if you're the rock, okay. But if you're just some guy with like a New York fitted hat on and abs, and you're like, hey, the second you get into your third or fourth sentence, hey, see ya. Get gunk. Dude, you're not, you're doing it for, that's jizzing. You're jizzing on social media.

You're going, that's what you're doing. Nobody wants that on them. You want jizz on you? No, you don't want jizz on you. You want unsolicited jizz on you? No. So you're not reading it. You're not reading it unless you want unsolicited jizz on you. why anybody would read any of those captions all the way through is if you actually wanted to be

in a subway or in a car and fuck it or in a in a kinkos or a costco and somebody to come up to you and spray some unsolicited jizz on you that's exactly what it is you want some unsolicited no and I know people are like you know some people might listen to what I just said and be like well that makes no sense well you guys aren't invited to my log cabin dude and I swear to God man I'm making sense here

I'm making fucking sense if you read those long Instagram captions from a guy with a New York fitted hat on and abs, then you want unsolicited jizz on you. You want more. You are the kind of guy who wants unsolicited jizz on them more than a regular person. I'll tell you that much. It's what it is, man. It's what it is, dog.

It's what it is. How about when a guy can't – well, how about – dude, this guy hit on me at my gym. And I was in the locker room. And he was like, hey man, what'd you work out today? And I was like, I worked out my shoulders and my back, and he was like,

ah, cool, man, it's so tiring. I was like, yeah. And I fucking, I wasn't really looking at him, and then I caught, at the corner of his eye, at a corner of my eye, his dong was in full view.

He was completely nake. He's completely nake, dude. His fucking pigeon was out, you know? And he had so many pubes, too. It looked like his dick was hiding. It looked like his dick was in Vietnam. You ever have fucking... You ever see somebody with such fierce pubes that it looks like his dick was in Vietnam. You ever have fucking, you ever see somebody with such fierce pubes that it looks like his dick was in Vietnam?

Dude, you ever fucking see a guy who's fucking, how about, dude, if your pubes are longer than your fucking dick, what? Those aren't pubes. Those are banana leaves, dude. You're in Vietnam. You're in Nam. Dude, anytime I see a guy whose pubes are longer than his fucking dick, I want to be like, oh, dude, you're in Nam. Anyway, he was like, so? So, and this guy's dick was so in Vietnam, dude.

He was like, hey, man, so what did you work out? And I was like, shoulders and back. And he was like, and that was when I noticed his dick was in Vietnam. And I was like, oh, shit. And so he was like, and I was like, cool. He's like, oh, so it was like, you got a busy weekend? Or, oh, that's what he said. And I was like god cool he's like oh so so it was like you got a busy weekend or oh that's what he said and i was like yeah i'm just working you know i don't want to be like i have shows because then he'd be like oh what are you a magician can you make my dick appear more

uh and then i was like uh yeah so i just i was working he's like oh that's cool well whatever you know and i was like it's so hard to not ask the question back. I was like, what do you got going on? Which basically means, hey, I want to fucking suck your cock in the locker room. Cock in the locker room. And so, I want to suck your cock in the locker room. Gay Eminem. Is your dick in Vietnam? Is your dick in Vietnam? Because if it is, I could see it bomb. I could see your dick bomb in Vietnam? Is your dick in Vietnam?

Cause if it is I can see it bomb I can see your dick bomb in Vietnam You get banana leaf, pan, pan, pan, pan, pan, pan, pan leaf Um Uh So he's like uh He's like uh I was like so what do you got going on?

He's like, I think I'm going to do a hike later at Griffith. It's like, like it. I was like, oh, yeah, here. The hikes are fucking awesome over there. Basically, just fucking I might as well just bent over. I'm having a full on conversation with this guy. And well, whatever. I don't give a fuck.

Who cares even? And then and then I was like, yeah, you want, and then, uh, and then I was like, yeah, you want to, I was like, yeah, I was like, you want to go get a drink sometime? No, I, I was like, so, uh, so, uh, that's cool, I hear those hikes are nice, and he, I mean, I mean, Jesus Christ, I'm fucking hitting back on this guy, and this guy's like, uh, yeah, cool, and then, and then, uh, I was like, all right, see you, bro. And that's it. I got out there without getting fucked or putting a cock in my mouth.

And anyway, so. But I was one time I was in that locker room. And I was with my Irish buddy who I got a guest pass for. Guest pass for and this other guy was in the locker room and we started all talking and shit it's cool how much mucus I have today and

he says the guy says something about are you guys brothers? Because we look alike, I guess, to idiots because we don't really look alike. It's just we both have long hair. And he says, and my fucking Irish buddy Mark is like, oh, yeah, but I'm better looking, huh? And I'm like, okay, we're in a gym in West Hollywood. Don't say that.

And then a guy goes like this. And the guy goes like this. How about guys who do this? This is the best. This is actually the most closeted gay thing you can do. He says, oh, man, I can't tell if a guy's attractive or not, man. He's like, I don't know if a guy's good looking or not. Guys say that like guys say there are guys that are like oh i can't tell if a guy's good looking or not

what you got eyes right that's the most closeted thing you can say i think you know because it's like you know oh you got eyes can you tell if a car looks nice or not is it got dents in it and is it got paint chipping it's ugly does the guy have a big bulbous nose and does he sweat a lot and is he balding it's ugly does he have fucking abs and blue eyes of steel and a fucking jawline and a fucking full head of hair and is he 29 it's good looking doesn't mean you gotta fuck him it's so weird uh that people are like he's like i can only tell if chicks are good looking man like oh yeah really cool man oh cool dude you're the man hey dude you're the man and then after we got out of the the the locker room i was like hey man that

was cool how you were trying to fuck that guy and he said oh what are you talking about and i said oh well you asked him who was better looking me or you in the locker room that's fucking you know jim in west hollywood he's like oh i didn't even realize it oh Oh, yeah, that's what makes you fucking dumb. Drive-by. Dude, come on. But that was so, that was, it's a lot of gay shit going on in that locker room um but i you know i you know let's say whatever i haven't noticed much uh hanky panky in that locker room though i just i i think like what's crazy is like you know what i saw that sasha

baron cohen thing like which is fucking amazing of course that guy's just great and uh who is america and the guy on it uh the the the lib really liberal who apologizes for being a cisgender white male, the character he plays, goes and has dinner with this Republican couple. And the guy is obviously gay. But, you know, he doesn't know it or doesn't admit it or whatever the fuck, you know. And I was thinking about guys who, like, are closeted and shit and, like, or guys who know they're gay but are, like, hiding from it or guys who don't know they're gay. Because there's people who don't know they're gay. There's guys who don't know they're gay that are gay. And, look, that's a real shame.

That sucks because, you know, it's all, you know, the society we live in is still unaccepting to us. You know, not in fucking WeHo, but, like, you know, not, not fucking WeHo, but like, you know, you go to Nebraska or fucking wherever people are like, no, that ain't, that's not, that's not how it is. You know, it's not how God intended it to be. You don't put another, you don't put a dick in a, in a man's butt and come in it. You do not do that. that's for exit that's for exit okay uh so uh but the guy was obviously gay you know just because of how he was gay he was being you know he was like i do the laundry and most of the time because i like doing the the the you know the traditionally female housework. And anyway, but he was married to this girl.

But I was thinking about how, like, there are definitely some guys that are, like, there are the guys that are like, look, I'm gay. I don't want anybody to know. I'm going to get married and have kids i don't need that fucking drama in my life where people are like attacking me and shit like that fine i understand but there are the guys too that convince themselves that they are not gay even though they are gay which is another level of it, which is wild to me because, you know, there's definitely those guys out there that are like, I am married and I am with a girl that I don't really find that attractive, but I wanted to have a family. She's not a model.

Couldn't get a model. Models are beautiful, you know. she's not a model, couldn't get a model. Models are beautiful, you know, but like, you know, if you're a guy and you've been with a girl that is very pretty, but you're not like sexually charged by her. Like I've been in those situations where I've, I've, I've been with, I've dated girls where they're beautiful, but I didn't want to rip their clothes off. But in my head, I'm like, you know what? That's not the most important thing, right? The most important thing is not necessarily sex, which now I actually have come out on the other side of. I think that sex is arguably the most important thing in a relationship, but, you know, among other things.

But, you know, you think of, oh, how, you know, you hear people say, oh, you got to marry your best friend, which is a bunch of horse shit. I think, you know, I, that drives me nuts when people are like, I get to marry my best friend or like I married my best friend. Oh God. Cool. Work for homework. Say yeah. Uh, right. Write some fucking cards with some blurry candle picks and then golden writing over it. And so it's like a level of that where it's like, you know, we've all been with, well, maybe we have not all been with, but we've been with, some of us have been with the girls that, and you hear girls talk about all the time, like, well, he's like, he checks all the boxes. He's really handsome, but you don't want to fucking fuck him.

Right. He's just like a provider or some shit. So guys do that too. And I know, cause I've done that. I've dated girls that I didn't want to like viscerally destroy them in a sexual way. And, um, so I think that there are these guys that have that mindset that are like oh i don't want to have i don't want to tear these girls clothes off but there are those victoria's secret models say or swimsuit illustrated uh swimsuit uh sports illustrated

models and those women are very beautiful i'm never going to get those beautiful women. But so I settled with my wife or whatever. And they look at those Sports Illustrated swimsuit models and they're like, ah, beautiful girl. But they don't viscerally want to fuck those girls either. So they – and they do want to like – they do see guys and they're like, oh, I'd like to fuck that guy, right? But they bury that into thinking like, oh, well, that's – all guys are like that. That's not gay. That's just like a thing guys are like. And they convince themselves that like, oh, guys are like that.

But the gay thing would be to act on it, right? but the gay thing would be to act on it. Right. And there are guys like that, that just lie to themselves and are in marriages and have families and that think that it's not gay to want to fuck a guy. And that's so fucking, that sucks. sucks you know like to live that lie sucks and it sucks that people feel they don't even get to the point where they're like oh i can't come out of the closet you know and anyway my whole point is that's who I think Mike Pence is.

Like, that's my whole point. Because that's why he has all those, you know, that's why he's against homosexuality and shit. Because he's like, oh, I got to prove it to myself that I'm not gay. And that's it. And I want you to write that whole thing on my tombstone. that's it. And I want you to write that whole thing on my tombstone. Uh, God,

I don't want to ruin it, but Mark Maron has a, has the funniest fucking bit on Mike Pence right now. It's so fucking funny. Um, so look, here we go. Me undies. Oh good. I like talking about me undies because it's a product I care about. Uh, you've heard me talk about them before. They're the, you know, the

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because it felt fun and it was just, it was efficient. You know what I'm talking about? But my buddy was trying to get me to go on this hike. So I was like, all right, if we all go, we got five guys. I said, I'll go. And we went to do a hike. And it was like one of these 80, it was like a 90-degree day.

I think it was over that. But I was like, fuck it. Who gives a shit? We'll do it. And I had my fucking shorts on, dude. I had my shirt on. I was like, I'll probably Who gives a shit? We'll do it. And I had my fucking shorts on, dude. I had my shirt on. I was like, I'll probably take it off, get some color, do the hike. And we did this hike, man.

We did the easy run first. There's like three of them. And then my opener, Mike, was like, he was like, we're going to do all three. And I was like, we'll see, you know? So we to do all three. And I was like, we'll see. So we did the easy one, and I was like, let's just do the hardest one, and then that'll be it. So we did the easy one. It was tough. I ran it a lot.

I ran almost the whole way. You know, jog, not fucking sprinting or anything. It's tough. And then I did the hard one which is like dude hiking is very hard okay now i work out every day oh nearly every single day if i'm traveling i can't or whatever so my body was real sore and i was like i'm gonna take a hike though because it's my off day. Now it, it was brutal. This hike, we were, we were, I mean, you almost had to use your hands. Like it

was like, we were like a rock climbing up this fucking mountain and shit. And, uh, I was sweating hard obviously, but it was good. You you know we were getting a workout and i was like i'll do leg day maybe the next day and there was no fucking way i was going to be doing leg day the next day your boy does leg day i know he's got thin legs i work out legs more than i work out fucking anything i don't know why it's happening why i still have skinny legs but anyway skinny legs but anyway um we did this hike and and i was thinking i i kept thinking afterwards first of all no no first of all i kept thinking afterwards is how lazy and fucking fat we are like we're so lazy so fat we have cars where we go everywhere and we don't even want to like i told you about the the i mean dude i was in oklahoma fat fucks

everywhere and and these and this and i told you about the girl that was like i don't want to walk to the elevator dude this is how it was hiking wasn't hiking thousands of years ago. You know what hiking was? Walking. Hiking was getting to where you're going. It wasn't a fucking exercise. It wasn't a leisurely activity. It was the way.

There were no cars. You had to go get your food. You had to go get your food. You had to go hunt. You had to go find your fucking food. And you had to do it on terrain. There were no paved

anything. There was no gradual incline. There were steps on rocks. There were the fucking steps where you had to step up and then put your hand on your knee and go and walk up. And that was every step. I can't stop thinking about how it used to be like that, how much we don't do that now. And I'm an active person. I'm a very active person.

And this was hard for me. Imagine how fucking—we don't have to, but this is how fat and how lazy and how fucked we are. Not only that, we're eating mostly bad food. I mean, we had to go, we had to eat sugar because like, you know, from fruit, by the way, not from fucking Smarties and candy corns. We had to eat from fruit because we didn't know when our next meal was going to happen.

That's why we needed sugar because it would pack on our fucking fat. And then go find the shit we were going to eat. We didn't drive down to the fucking Gelson's. And this was every day

imagine how fit everybody was and and then you had to move if you wanted to move oh you were taking everything you were fucking packing up and taking everything dude we are fucking and then i'm like how the fuck do we... How does our life expectancy get higher and higher? It's because of the medicine, I guess. That's got to be why. Otherwise, I mean, that's... Dude, we're eating...

I have been eating... The past seven days, I ate no sugar. I ate... The only carbs I had were brown rice every now and then. All I ate were fucking plants and meat. And it felt good, you know. And yesterday I ate, it was my cheat day, and I was like, I want to see if I eat whatever the fuck I want, how I feel. So I did.

I ate tacos. They weren't that bad. They were just like, there were eggs in them and shit. And corn, the corn tortilla fucking shell, not shell. It wasn't, it was just like the soft one. And then I had Chinese food, which is horrible for you. And then after a late at night, I had fucking two burgers and a milkshake. And I was like i'm

gonna kill it i want to do this because i want to see how i feel the next day i want to woke up oh when i feel awful oh i woke up i i did the thing where like you know when you almost throw up and you walk when you're walking you're walking you feel nauseous i had to stop that's how nauseous i was like i gotta stop and concentrate everything on not throwing up. I can't walk. If I take another step, oh, if I take another step, oh, I'll blow chunks. So, back to the fucking plant shit, man, and a little bit of meat and some brown rice. Because the more I get older, just I think about how horrible it is what we fucking eat.

And I'm not telling anybody to fucking, you do whatever the fuck you want. Eat whatever the fuck you want. But you know what you're going to get? Cants. Eat whatever you want. Don't be shocked when you get cans yeah it sucks i stopped drinking coca-cola and any kind of uh sugar like soda because i read an article once years ago and it was about um uh it was about an article about Coca-Cola. And they were like, yeah, they were like trying to figure out how to sell more Coke.

And the CEO or whatever the fuck, the guy in charge, I don't know if it was the actual CEO, but he was like, we need to – it wasn't – they weren't like, we need to figure out how to sell more Coke. They literally said, we need to figure out how to get more Coke into people. And I was like, wow, that really was so disgusting to me that I was like, I got to not drink this shit. They don't want to. They aren't looking at it like selling more product. They're looking at it like to get more of the Coke into the people. Gross. We containers. It was so gross to me i had stopped drinking i stopped drinking coke there

i started i was like maybe i'll drink diet coke and i'll try to fucking diet coke sucks dude diet any soda sucks people like it better than regular coke those people you can't you know those people are communists deep down down. I can't fucking believe. Somebody would rather drink a diet soda. Than a soda. That's so gross. It's so chemical. And it tastes chemical.

And. So I tried to do it. Because I hear that people love it. And I was like. Dude this sucks. I stopped drinking that. And I just drink club soda. Water and coffee.

That's all I drink. I had a milkshake yesterday. But that's it. Anyway i had a milkshake yesterday but that's it um anyway this is boring dude just talking about hiking who am i talking about hiking and what i eat like i'm some fucking educational podcast fuck that this is the most educational podcast you can get. Congratulations. What else did I do this week? What else did I do then? But I was hiking. You know what else is weird about the hiking thing? Like we were running, a lot of us, there were five of us.

Oh, fucking fuck. I just, my skin got caught on this fucking leather. Fuck. And it burned it. So we were running and I was like keeping a steady pace. And sometimes the guys would go faster than me and then they'd stop running. And then I'd keep my steady pace and I'd get ahead of them and then they'd run. This is what is weird being a guy.

If I am at a steady pace and I'm catching up to somebody, this is how stupid I am. I'm like, I got to beat that guy. Or if I'm at a steady pace and they're gaining on me, I'm like, I got to pick up my pace. That's my first thought. Okay? Now, I think that every guy kind of feels that way. You got to feel that. This is for the girls.

I'm telling girls right now how it is. Okay? Because you're a girl. You don't know what it's like to think like a guy. Okay? So this is that. So, so I i so like they get up to like craig well i was my buddy craig he was gaining on me and i was like i can't let him beat me and then i'm like

and then i immediately think because i'm not a fucking idiot. I think, wait, hold on. It literally doesn't matter at all if I beat him or not. So just keep my steady pace. But I have to like control my thinking and think, just keep my steady pace. I don't need to be in. This is like all going on in my fucking head. I don't need to beat him. I don't need to prove anything to anybody. I'm literally just jogging. Who gives a fuck? I'm doing this for me and my health and i'm out here having a good time this is me thinking while i'm jogging okay on a fucking leisurely on on a recreational activity all right this isn't the olympics every time i passed somebody or was passed one of my buddies i think i gotta fucking there the first thought was no no i can't let

him do it and then i think no no fuck that it's just so dumb the dumbest fucking thing like why do i as a guy need to beat craig to the fence like what the fuck is it about a guy? But that's what makes us move society forward. That's why we build walls. That's why we fucking invent stuff. Isn't that crazy? That fucking thought that a guy has that maybe girls who are top athletes have. But that is not a female thought, I feel like. Like a male thought of, I can't let that guy beat me.

I got to be better than that guy. Like even me, who doesn't give a fuck about that kind of stuff. And I don't. I have to think like, okay, dude, calm down. You don't need to beat this guy to the fucking fence. Like a bitch. I'm a bitch. We're a bitch to our thoughts we're bitches to our fucking uh you know uh what do you

call that uh lit uh not lineage but like fucking what's the word whatever it is uh evolution or whatever the fuck i don't know who cares you know what I'm talking about right wow did you do the in my feelings challenge I hate how everything's a challenge dude it's not a challenge you're just dancing I wanted to do one where I, but I didn't know how to, I didn't, I should have had a fucking, my producer make it,

but where I was like in the car and the music started playing and I was like, all right, here we go. And then I was like, no, you got to slow down and they were doing it too fast and then I step out

and then it cuts to like stock footage of a guy falling out of a car and like maybe getting run over while the music still was going kiki do you love me why does everyone love that what is that about that i don't get it i don't get why things and i'm not i like it i i like the song fine but what is it about that part that made everyone go crazy. So weird, right? I don't like any challenges. Any of the challenges.

I did a joke of the mannequin challenge and that was I thought the best mannequin challenge. Black Beatles, me and Paul McCartney related That's not how it goes That's not how relation goes Kiki do you love me Drake is so good At doing those things

That people just want to fucking say I'm going to do one I'm going gonna do a kiki challenge sold guy in my feelings challenge i just don't i don't like how people are like getting out of the car and like doing it like i want somebody to get hit is that bad i want somebody to get fucking i want somebody to you know somebody out there's twisted their ankles so fucking hard in the fucking Kiki challenge. And they're just like, oh, oh, wow. I would love to see that one. That's my favorite Kiki challenge.

It's an old guy to call it Kiki challenge. I don't know what else to talk about. We're on the phone, guys. Do you like that? I forgot I was doing a podcast and I'm just talking right now. It's actually... Did you see that Sacha Baron Cohen thing? That was amazing, dude.

I don't want to ruin it, but the characters that he does are so fucking good. You know what makes him so good this is the fucking thing that made me think about how like he's so much better at this kind of shit than anybody when he talks to that guy well it's the whole beginning of the whole uh gun commercial that they're trying to do to sell guns to children or like whatever to to arm children and when the guy says you want me to say on camera like he's being incredulous he's like you want me to say on you want me to say on camera that i'm in support of giving toddlers guns right and then and then anybody at that moment that was doing it would would come up with some bullshit or this like long-winded like thing where it's like, well, it's not about that.

I'd like to, you know, anybody who was tricking, trying to trick somebody. And Sacha Baron Cohen just says, yes, which is so good because it's so what the character would do because the character doesn't think that that's wrong right but everybody not everybody but a lot of people who were trying to do that would let their character slip and be like um i understand it sounds ridiculous or whatever the fuck but he's just like well yes of course like that is what i want because that's what's normal in israel right is what he's pretending it was so fucking funny that he just said yes like that's so fucking good he's the best at that that shit is unbelievable and you know how people are like so i saw that shit and obviously the republicans got it the worst you know what's his name didn't look so bad

on it um bernie because he is like i mean he treated it like any normal person would be like yo this guy's a fucking idiot but he's trying to be like sensitive it was really sweet actually but the republican guys at the end were just like that guy what's his name the fucking guy who was like the the brunt of it i don't know but he was like joe walsh right he was just like he was just like uh oh he got me like no you said dude you said we should arm three-year-olds you said kinder grenade or whatever the fuck it was turn kindergartners into kinder grenade or whatever the fuck he said but like you said that and then he was like oh no he got me no you said that though and and a lot of people are like well well, if you saw that, if you were there though,

and you got tricked, you wouldn't know how you reacted. No, I don't fucking buy that. I get our brains are only our brains and our brains are only what happened to us. And the only thing we are, are who our brains and what has happened to our brains. But still, no, no, there is no fucking way any person who is a real person who isn't a piece of shit would not say that or there would say that any person who's not a piece of shit would say that you know i'm trying to fucking say but that's just like to give kindergartners guns dude and to read to read from a teleprompter, it doesn't matter. I would turn around and say, you want me to say this fucking shit? Are you out of your mind? These guys and, you know, I was talking to somebody and they were like, yeah, but bro, you know, they're on there.

They're doing these interviews all day. They're not thinking. No, fuck that. It doesn't matter. No, it doesn't matter. Even more so to my point, if you're doing all of those all day long you have to be on your vigilance even more so dude that's crazy what they were doing and here's the other thing too that was the most eye-opening jaw-dropping shit about our country in this time in the in the what's happening to this world and in our

country specifically that was the most jaw-dropping and eye-opening thing that has happened i think i think period the most alarming thing when it comes to gun control and nothing's going to change dude nothing will change because the people who want the guns out there are going to look at that and be like oh yeah but he fucking tricked him you know nothing's going to change nothing's going to change and i was talking to my mom about this and I was like, it sucks because nothing is going to change. And she's like, yeah, but you still have to try. And I guess she's right.

That was like, yeah, I guess that's a good point because it's like you can't just be like, all right, nothing is going to change. Fuck it. Because you still have to try. It's like those movies where they're at the end, like almost at the end, we're like, but we still have to try. And it's like, but what's the point? And it's like, because it's who we are i guess that's true you know that whole dying for a cause thing or whatever you know i guess you have to fucking have people like that we don't all need to be like that but like the really important people have to be like that.

Is that how that movie was? Last Samurai? One Fire is bringing up Last Samurai. Tom Cruise, you know? Tom Cruise, you know? Fucking. Anyway. Yeah, we should do Twitter questions, right?

Let's do Twitter questions. Let's do Twitter questions. Pull them up. Pull them up. I didn't watch the ending of Sopranos. This person's asking me. I only saw like the first four seasons. Like an idiot.

I got to watch it. Slammed it. Kind it kind of took that took a wind under your sail took took the wind out of your sail um crystal cade hollandiek sir russian hollandiek sounds like you've had a handful of hecklers at your show from time to time i mean it's a backtracking at the end of the sentence. Any during an attempt to shoot a special? Oh, no. But the worst is, well, the worst, I think the worst, well, I can't say the worst is this, what the worst is, but like the woos. Like, dude, shut up. It's not about you, man. Woo, shut up. It's not about you, man. Woo, that shit.

Just stepping on the fucking punchlines and the joke. It's so fucking annoying wooing at a comedy show. I'm not the fucking Diamondbacks, dude. Go woo at a fucking ball game. Woo. It's not about you dude you're ruining the show for other people man god that's so annoying i used to date a girl that hated sounds she would just be like i get so annoyed when shit and i never got it until i fucking woo is that a comedy show, man? That's the worst.

In the beginning, it's fine. Woo, you come out. Yeah, but dude, I'm not fucking Inexcess. I'm not fucking Duran Duran, dude. Laugh and don't laugh that's it uh this shit ryan de gregorio first of all that last name at de gregorio spelled it oreo though like the cookie uh what do you think about people who say it's their jordan year when they turn 23 i didn't't know people do that, but that's, that's really fucking stupid.

That's some shit who, that's a guy who double fists at a party who says that and goes like this classic dude, classic at things that aren't classic. That's so awful. That's, that's so awful. You know, rape is so awful, but that's bad. What? That's so awful. Rape is so awful, but that's bad. What? That's it? So, I don't know. We could wrap this up, though.

That was a fun one. So, we got to listen. Listen, first of all, no, let me say this before we wrap up. We have a new shirt coming to the store in the next couple days. All right? New merch, merchandise. And we've got the shirt coming.

And it's a fucking hot one, dude. It's for Follow the Leader, and it's fucking hot. And I want to wear it, but it's got me on it. So I'm not sure if I'm going to wear it, but I like it a lot. It's a fucking dope shirt, and I'm going to bring them on tour too and have people sell them. So be on the lookout for that.

Follow the leader tour. Buy tickets, crystalia.com, Wichita, Kansas, Kansas City, Lincoln, Reno, Nevada, Las Vegas Ottawa, Ontario, London, Ontario Buffalo, New York, Burlington, Vermont Philadelphia, these are the next few ones Philadelphia, Washington, D.C. New York, Montclair, New Jersey

and then we got Oregon and shit like that, but anyway Houston this weekend see me in Houston this weekend get hot with me, babies. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Download the Crystalia app for iOS or Android now. Square Cash.

Check out the new Boost Rewards program. Get the Cash app. Enter rewards code. Congrats. Get $5. And give $5 to Time's Up. Get it for iOS or Android now. Rate and review the show, please.

It would be really helpful when you do that on wherever you listen to it. On the audio. Like iTunes would be great. It helps us out. And it gets us one step closer to that fucking illustrious log cabin. Video episodes go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays. Watch my specials, share them with a friend. And I'm going to be on, I think I'm on the premiere episode.

I'm on a bunch of the episodes of this Alone Together TV show, second season, and premieres August 1st. I think I'm on the first one too. Anyway, thanks, guys. And remember to set it and forget it. Congratulations. thanks guys and remember to set it and forget it congratulations congratulations congratulations

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you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you Thank you.