Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 78. I Don't Wanna Fuck Chairs

Episode Date: July 24, 2018

It's the 78th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about R. Kelly's new song "I Admit." Also discussed: Houston, Twitter arguments, James Gunn, Tekashi 6ix9ine, an a story about the time Chris interrupted his own set to take a shit. Also, fuck boba. Plus, Chris answers a bunch questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show, we can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. This episode of congratulations is brought to you by Blue Apron.

Skip meal planning and get straight to cooking with Blue Apron. Enjoy delicious meals that are great on the grill, like honey chipotle glazed chicken with poblano and lime rice, and smoky depth to your dinner while enjoying the warm weather and getting those perfect grill marks. With incredible ingredients and chef-designed recipes, Blue blue apron lets you see the power of what food can do so go check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com congrats that's blueapron.com congrats to get your first three meals free blue apron a better way to cook this episode is also brought to you by the cash app all the babies use Cash App, which is why it's the number one finance app in the app store. And now the Cash Card is more powerful than ever with Cash App's latest feature, Cash Boost.

Download the Cash App and get your free Cash Card and select your boost. Save money when you swipe on stuff like coffee, Chipotle, Shake Shack, and more. Download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now. Hi, babies. What's up? It's episode 78 of Congratulations, the podcast. And I'm back from Houston. Let's do this first. You can get my app here and you can listen to the first few ten or so minutes of the podcast every week live on my app. That's the only way you can do that live um so you can do that you can do you can download it on uh what do you call it the itunes store wherever apps are available and then also uh what you can do is get tickets to see me in montreal coming up go to my

website and i'm also coming to kansas So go check the Follow the Leader tour. Here it comes to Canada and Kansas and Lincoln, Nebraska. So those are the next dates coming up. So come hang and watch a show. We have cult meetings. And I'm back from Houston. I was in Houston, did six shows, and they were really, really, really fun.

Man, I love performing in Houston. A lot of people in Texas. I was in Houston, did six shows, and they were really, really, really fun. Man, I love performing in Houston. A lot of people in Texas, when you say Houston, they're like, nah, man. Don't like it there because it's really humid and shit. But Houston is fucking awesome, man. I love it. The crowds are great. I threw only one person out of, let's see, that would be probably like 3,000 people. So that's a great ratio.

There was one girl. And then she got upset and then sent me a nasty message. And then I posted it on Instagram. And then she apologized, apparently. Not apparently. She did apologize. So I took it down. I'm actually like that because I feel like look i like roasting people i like putting them on on blast putting on

the internet if they send me something online i figure it's for online you know so uh but i've posted stuff and people have like been like oh can you take it down and i take it down dude unless you're being a fucking piece of shit then it's like yo um but i love houston it was way too hot there were no boa constrictors there which was odd because of how hot it was um it's like too hot it's actually too hot to go even in the pool because then you're like outside you just go outside and you're like oh shit i'm gonna fucking get cancer immediately because of the fucking shoulders getting all red and such. I worked out, dude, I stayed at this place called the Houstonian, which. First of all.

That name, you know, like how much of a cock do you have to be to name something Houstonian? Like it's fucking so ancient. It was made in 1980. Here at the Houstonian. And of course, did you, oh dude, did you want to guess if they had painted buffalo on the, and painted deer paintings on the walls? Did you want to guess if they had painted game on the walls of this hotel? Oh, you don't have to guess. Oh, because it's in Texas. Oh, because it's called the Houstonian.

Oh. Yeah. So we stayed there. And this place was like a resort or some shit. I don't even know. But it was like the gym there was. I told my travel agent. I was like, get a place with a good gym.

And it was the the gym there was, I told my travel agent, I was like, get a place with a good gym. And it was the biggest gym ever. And it was awesome. But like, this is what the gym had in a hotel. It had fucking basketball courts, which my opener fucking played basketball on. It was terrible. Posted a picture of him doing an air ball. He shoots multiple air balls. played basketball on it was terrible posted a picture of him doing an airball he shoots multiple airballs um and then it has a real like one of the biggest weight rooms i've ever seen

and then it has uh uh a rock climbing fucking part a cafeteria this is all in the sports center then it has um uh i think it has what is the not hand, what is the, not handball, what is the fucking racquetball? Ah. Then it has so many jerseys and shit, like, up on the walls. Why do people frame jerseys, dude? That's fucking weird. Frame things that are paper only. Ah.

And then also, there was a track around the whole gym, dude, like that fucking moms would run on. And it was a healthy mix of moms, you know, kids. And then I had another weight room that was just for residents, which I don't know what the fuck this deal is. Dude, how about when you go stay at some hotels and you're like, oh, and they're like, no, this is the wrong entrance. This is for residents. What are you talking about, dude? What? It's a fucking hotel or an apartment building.

Don't mash them together. You have separate ones. The W hotels do that a lot. They're like, it's like, oh, the W, the W, the W hotel fucking residents, dude. I wouldn't like that. Just living at a hotel. You can get room service there too. You know, it's like weird. You can live, imagine living in a place where you can get room service. What are you fucking Richie Rich? It's like you have an on-call butler and they make your room up probably every day. I don't know. That's fucking weird, dude. I don't, I don't,

I don't want the same maid coming in to clean my room. That's going to clean a bunch of different people that I don't like room right next to me that are touching. Now I have a cleaning lady. That's fine. But like, I don't know who she works with besides me, but I know they're far away. She doesn't fuck with my neighbors, dude. found her right so if my neighbors were like i'm gonna use her too that's fine but i'm not gonna use yours if you're right next to me it's weird as shit somebody's look is saying on my app can you frame metals man you know just frame whatever you want really okay i'm just saying don't take anything I say as the fucking gospel. I fucking lit this dude up on Twitter today.

I was just bored on a flight. I go too far. I think I go too far because the thing is people. Here's what the thing is. People think just by looking at me that I'm a bro, that I drink a lot, that I fucking to snort coke and fuck your girl and um uh that i was in a frat but like nothing could be further from the truth basically a douche right they don't know me i'm so far from that but then what happens is somebody will fucking say something to me on twitter like yo you fucking douche you you suck, whatever. And then I'll fucking, you know, naturally the boy claps back because he's got to because he's a human.

Because he claps back. Is he better than that? No, he's that good. And then what happens is I to the people who don't know me, they see those responses. Then I look like the person is making me out to be in the first place, which fine. I have trouble caring. But then I think I end up going too far sometimes. But I don't usually delete the tweets because I feel like that's me, dog. You know?

I've definitely deleted tweets, but like it's some it's i've i've definitely deleted tweets but like it's there's more it's more bitch to delete tweets like if like i think trump has deleted tweets and it's like yeah you're the president dude don't delete tweets fucking stand by what you said but this guy clap said something about like i said how r kelly's music sucks anyway. And thank God now that he fucking is like a piece of shit and we all know it. Like, we can just not pretend like his music is good anymore. And then this guy is like, it's time for white guys to be banned on talking about black music. And it's like, okay, so you're racist. And then people are like, oh, racism doesn't exist for white people.

Okay, man. Okay, that's fine, dude. dude hey just say everything all the time and then uh and then i said um and then i just was retweeting what he was saying not even saying anything about it and then people were like clapping back at him and then he was like upset and saying shit like fucking whatever dude your comedy is shitty and i i didn't even say anything about him and i was like dude i'm just this is you man i'm retweeting what you're saying and then i started to light him up and he was like he was like oh it bothered it obviously bothers you and i was like now the thing is i'm gonna forget about this in three minutes but

you're gonna remember this forever he was like no i'm not and i was like dude and i didn't even mean it in a douchey way i'm just like listen man I'm fucking all over social media I'm on I'm on TV by the way you wrote me now I'm gonna come up in your fucking suggested bullshit you idiot okay then also I'm on Netflix all the time

like there's plenty of me out there every time you see me you're gonna think of getting fucking flayed. Oh, you got grill marks. And you got grill marks. I want to make that shirt like the got milk, got grill marks. Dude, there isn't an ad campaign that I am more resentful for than the Got Milk shit.

That Got Milk ad was one of the greatest ads in advertising history. But everybody, stop ripping it off with your stupid fucking window cleaning service. Do you know what I mean? Got dirt. Got. fucking window cleaning service do you know what i mean got dirt got there i saw a religious one that was like got god it was like what dude so basic so not trying so lazy so um um so anyway so yeah i don't know i i think yeah i go too far but like it's like you made your bed laying it dude twitter is twitter it's just what it is i don't know i don't fucking care

enough i don't care if somebody thinks i'm i'm fucking douchey i don't that's i you can't control how people now i know people will argue with that i think that you can't control how people – now, I know people will argue with that. I think that you can't control how people are going to see you. And people will be like, no, but you can. But the second you try controlling how people see you is the second you're being a fake-ass Mark motherfucking bitch, dude. Yeah. Be real. Be rich. It's free conch, but be rich.

The second you start to think about, oh, this is how I've got to be so people know that I'm a good guy. What y'all is? Paper cut out. What y'all is? Ken. I'm not Ken, dude. I'm not Ken. I. I'm not Ken. I don't have a fucking glossed over cock.

I have a fucking cock and balls. I'm not wearing khakis and a Hawaiian shirt. I'm not driving around with a girl in a pink car. I'm not plastic. I'm Chris. D'Leo or Chris Della as the guy at the airport said hey oh my god Chris Della

sometimes I go D'Elia but thanks that's it dude you know mini clapbacks mini un un fucking hurting clapbacks not just like little toss lobby clapbacks you know hey Chris D-lobby clapbacks, you know? Hey, Chris Delilah?

Delilah, thanks. Keep walking. Little short little clapback. Not even a fucking clapback that's going to hurt your day. Nice guy clapback. I can do a nice guy clapback. It's like saying actually. Right?

Anybody who says actually is a fucking raging cock. Actually, I got something else for you. You say something. Hey, you know, the fucking, this is the biggest desert. Actually, that's actually not the biggest desert. You know, the biggest desert is this. But yeah, man, that's what it, that's, that's, so that's, so anyway, how to fucking clap back. You got to be, you got to be who be who you gotta be and it's hard though it really is hard to be who you're gonna who you have to be because you have to grow as a person you can't just

come out on level 100 man you come out you don't even know how to walk you fucking exit your mom's pussy and you don't even know how to say, can I have a grilled cheese? Right? Even if you want one. You don't even know what a fucking grilled cheese is. You don't even know what cheese is, let alone grilling it on bread. You don't even know what taste is. When you come out, you're on level zero.

And then you become, right? And then you become what you become. But what you become isn't ever what you become because you're never done becoming. And then you die. Right there. That's who you are. That's who you are. The guy the second before you die.

That's who you are. Right here. This is who you are. Right here. Or no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's who you are right here or no no no no no no that's who you are or maybe we should that's who you are huh who's that guy that's who you are right that's who you've become so so everybody has been this guy who's been too far everybody and that's where apologies come in and say whoops you know i wasn't that guy i'm not that guy anymore shouldn't have done this shouldn't have done that and i'm growing you know and i'm trying to be who the fuck I'm, I'm, I am the second

before I die, but you never know when that's going to be anyway. So, you know, you think about the thing like the, like the fucking, like the James Gunn thing, man. And, you know, the director of, of Guardians of the of the galaxy which is now he's not the director of the third guardians of the galaxy because people brought up old tweets that he had that were absolutely jokes now granted they were not good jokes okay but he was trying to make jokes he didn't mean any of it a lot of his jokes were about pedophilia and transgender people. And that's – they were just off color and not funny enough.

I mean I think you could joke about anything as long as it's funny enough. But they just weren't that funny. And I think he knows that and he's expressed that. And he apologized for the tweets, I think, years later, I think. Years ago, rather. And now, and by the way, I feel like Disney knew about that early, years ago. And now, some guy drudges up these old tweets, they go viral, and now Disney's like, oh, never mind. He can't direct guardians of galaxy three because of what he said when they know damn well what he said dude these guys vet everybody

you think disney you think fucking companies like target and universal and mcdonald's they don't vet motherfuckers they vet motherfuckers they have people whose jobs are to to fucking look up people's names on twitter and online and all that shit, man, they knew about it. And now they're going to fire him. Why? Because he said this shit or because the fucking angry mob on Twitter came

after him. And that's not okay. That's not okay, dude. Cause then you're giving in to what the fuck people want. And then you're censoring and you're letting people dictate who you can hire rather than... Dude, those movies were fucking awesome. Those Guardians of the Galaxy movies.

He found out who he was with those movies, man. He was pushing the envelope, trying to find out to be... You know, a lot of guys do this shit. You see it with fucking comedians all the time. You see it in particular with women comedians coming up. They got to talk about their pussy because they want to shock people. They want to be like, I'm going to talk about this. Just because I'm a woman, I'm going to break stereotypes.

I'm going to talk about my pussy on stage because I can. Right? And then they find out who they really are on stage and not all their jokes are about pussy. Now, a lot of them are because that's a fucking funny subject. All right? But, you know, a lot of guys go on stage and they start they talk they think it's funny to do be dark or a real fucking comic and they talk about pedophilia and shit and it's just not that funny dude and they become who they're going to become but you

have to allow them to become that person and james gunn found out who he was and he's a fucking director that directs good funny action superhero. And he probably does other good shit too. I'm such an idiot. I don't know. I don't know about directors. But like he, you know, and now he's fired. He can't do it because of what the fucking assholes trolled up. And that's really not fucking okay.

And it's okay to apologize, you know, if you want to. But man, dude, if I was in his position, I'm not like the guy who's like, oh, no, don't apologize. If you want to apologize, apologize, dude. If you hurt somebody's feelings and it feels bad for you, then go for it, man. I don't particularly like it when comedians apologize, but he's not a comedian. So if he feels like he was out of his element, he shouldn't have done that shit.

But for me, dude, if somebody wants an apology for what I say some shit on stage, you can go fuck yourself, man. Go change the world. How about that? Go change the fucking world. I mean, for real, dude. I ain't got no motherfucking...

That's why I fucked your bitch. I'm trying to fucking... For real, dude. I'm trying to fucking... I'm trying to figure out who the fuck I am on stage and joke around. And it has to be a safe space. Talk about your safe space. That's where it has to be fucking safe. Go fuck your college. Go fuck your college. I don't give a shit, man.

Be upset. And you know what? Call me privileged. Call me whatever the fuck i it fine go ahead i want to tweet a picture of my dick so it's out there i mean i've actually never sent a dick pic to anybody i maybe have to like brian callen or some shit but yeah man i don't know it's a fucking weird weird, weird, weird, weird, weird, weird world. You have to be who you are from jump.

Otherwise, people are going to fucking murder you. They want you to be at level 100 when you come out the pussy. And that's not who they are. So how the fuck can we be that? We're all holding someone else to the highest fucking standard. When you got fucking bones, you got bones in your closet, man. You got bones in your fucking closet.. You got bones in your fucking closet. Then people get so mad when you fucking clap back.

But whatever. I don't know. It's Twitter, dude. It's free shit. What do you want, man? These motherfuckers are out here sampling shit at Whole Foods like, no, I don't like that one. Do you have it more like that? Dude, put it in your mouth and fucking swallow it. It's free. If you're eating something off a toothpick, you'd be goddamn happy with it.

Anyway, didn't mean to get so heated, but that's what this podcast is. It's a fucking, you know, you get on and we just start going and nobody's driving. I know I say I'm the fucking cult leader here, but no one's driving. We're on a roller coaster. No, that's not a good example. We're on a fucking, we're in outer space floating around, dude. Without that thing connected, the tether connected, you know. And every movie they do it like that.

And they fucking have the tether. Every space movie they have the guy who links onto the tether And then they go And they try and fix the spacecraft And it's like oh is the tether going to break And the tether always breaks And they're like how are they going to get back And sometimes they do and sometimes they don't And sometimes they die and sometimes they live

But you know what It's all good You know what I was thinking of dude This is crazy to me i don't know if i've talked about this on the podcast before i don't think i have but this is something i've thought about for years like okay i think like heterosexuality and homosexuality is like a scale right and like you can you you're going to, you know, there's a guy out there on the, let's say the left side, you know, just picking an arbitrary side here,

that is the straightest guy, the most heterosexual guy, never in any realm of any possibility would want to have sex with another guy, okay? Then on the other end, right, there's the gayest guy and he would never under any circumstance ever want to have sex with another guy, okay? Then on the other end, right, there's the gayest guy, and he would never, under any circumstance, ever want to have sex with a girl, right? Okay? In between is where pretty much everybody falls, right?

That's what I think. You know, you got guys who are like, like me, I've never thought about having sex with a girl, never wanted to, or never thought about having sex with a guy, never wanted to. I've often thought about having sex with a guy never wanted to um i've often thought about having sex with girls but i'm you know i you know i don't know if i was in prison for fucking eight days maybe i'd be like gotta gotta do it gotta do it right here's the here's the thing that just really gets me fucking uh thinking and i'm a dumb fuck okay I'm a dumb dummy and I'm uneducated

here all right so this is coming from a guy who's a dumb dummy and uneducated A guy doesn't look like a girl, okay? A guy also doesn't look like a fucking chair, all right? But a guy looks way more like a girl than a chair, all right? Now, if an alien came down and was like, group these fucking things, group two of these things together, and they had a guy, girl, and a chair, an alien would be like, put the guy and the girl together. The other one doesn't fit. That's how much a guy looks like a girl. A lot when you throw a chair in there. Okay? Now, I don't want to have sex with a girl, a fucking guy.

God, what the fuck? You're distracting me with this shit. I don't want to have sex with a guy as much as I don't want to have sex with a chair. But how's that possible? Right? Because guys kind of look like girls, and if you look at it in that way, you know, they got legs and a butt and shit, you can fuck it, girls got it too, even feminine looking guys,

I don't want to fuck those guys either, as much as I don't want to fuck a chair. How's that possible? I don't, I'm too dumb to talk about that. But I think there's some like, I think some scientists should work on that. Like they should get a guy and a girl in a chair. And like put a guy in the room. And then see what happens. You know what would probably happen? The other guy would probably just fuck the guy.

And the girl would be like, yeah, get him. And then they'd fucking beat the shit out of him. It would probably be some weird... What's that movie or the documentary that they made where the guys pretended they were Nazis and then really became Nazis or whatever the fuck? You know what I'm talking about? That fucking movie, the something effect?

What is it the what the fuck was that movie it bothers me i know listeners are ahead of me right now they're like i know what it's called but they can't tell me it was like it was like to document my brother was just talking about this it's not a naz documentary. It was called the, there's something with an A effect. Fucking, it, saying Nazi is not going to bring it up. Once again, One Fire's Googling the complete wrong shit. It was the,

whatever. They put guys in a cell and it was a, it was a, it was an acting exercise. Some of the guys were guards and some of the guys were not guards. And they made a movie about it too,

like an actual movie. And it's like the prison experiment, something like that. Anyway, and they were like, you guys aren't in charge, you guys aren't. And in like fucking 20 minutes, they were like,

you fucking pieces of shit get down there you maggot you know stanford prison experiment that's what it was right yeah like that's crazy i by the way i was trying to figure out what the fuck that was for so long i don't know even why i brought it up but i brought it up so let's roll with it dude that's a crazy fucking thing that that is a crazy thing. You know what? We all think, we all try to like think, no, I would never do that. That's not what I would do.

There's no way. No way. If I was in that situation, I would do this. But you just don't know, right? You don't know because the only thing that's happened to you is what's happened to you, dude. You didn't live these other motherfuckers. Like hundreds and thousands of years ago, people would like, well, I probably i think it's yeah it still happens in fucking certain parts of the world they cut the fucking clits off of women it's like what the fuck man that's insane hey don't do

that but they think it's totally normal and they think it's what's right you know and we like to think oh if we were in that we were growing up we would know that that's wrong. But dude, what? Maybe not, dude. No way. You're just a product of your environment, man. Wow. That's fucked. And you've got to try to come out on level 100, bro. We're fucked. I'm going to do the reads here. Blue Apron.

Blue Apron delivers fresh pre-portioned ingredients and step-by-step recipes right to your door that can be cooked in under 45 minutes. The menu changes every week based on what's in season and is designed by Blue Apron's in-house culinary team. It offers 12 new recipes each week and customers can pick two, three or four recipes based on what best fits their schedule. Customers can pick two, three, or four recipes based on what best fits their schedule. Blue Apron is awesome, man. I eat it all the time. I still have yet to have a bad meal or even a subpar meal. I just think that it's great. They put great stuff in there. It's all healthy, and it feels good to eat, and it tastes really great.

Upcoming meals, honey chipotle glazed chicken with poblano and lime rice. Sweet chili beef and vegetable stir fry with garlic rice. That's a customer favorite. Barbecue vegetable flatbread with Swiss cheese. So check out this week's menu and get your first three meals at blueapron.com slash congrats. That's blueapron.com slash congrats to get your first three meals free. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Chances are you've heard about this thing called Honey.

It's the free browser add-on that finds and applies the best promo codes every time you shop. It honestly kind of sounds too good to be true, but it's not. It's great. First, you are probably wondering how much money can Honey really save me. Turns out Honey has already saved people over $800 million. And maybe you're thinking Honey doesn't work on sites that I shop at. The truth is Honey works on over 30,000 sites, even Amazon. So you go there all the time, and I go there almost only.

But the big question is how is Honey free? What's the catch? There's no catch. Honey gets a small commission from sites where Honey saves you money. So it's not on you, and There's no catch. Honey gets a small commission from sites where honey saves you money. So it's not on you and it's always free. 10 million customers trust honey to save them money every day. I bought some sheets at Macy's.com actually and saved 20%. I didn't have to do anything. And that's just by clicking in this honey thing.

It's very easy and it's awesome. There's no reason not to use it. It's always free and it takes just two clicks to install. And Honey, all you got to do is add it to your browser for free right now at joinhoney.com slash congrats. That's joinhoney.com slash congrats. Yeah, so what I was trying to say is I don't want to fuck chairs. Dude, it's so hot in Houston. It's like you don't go outside for more than a second.

As soon as you get outside, it sucks. Man, I was listening to that new R. Kelly song, though, that 19-minute go fuck yourself song. R. Kelly, make a fucking two and a half minute song what are you doing he sucks dude he fucking sucks i mean that the trapped in a closet for funny and novelty reasons was funny and i used to be like oh dude this is the biggest badass shit in history just because he did it but like he that song he sucks dude i mean his music fucking sucks donkey balls and the new one is the actual worst one i listened to two minutes of that 19 minute song and i was just holy fuck for christ's sake i was listening to it in the car on the way to the airport and i was was like, this song, I said it to Mark and Mike, my openers.

And, uh, I got out of the car and the driver came around, gave me my, uh, backpack. And he was like, Hey, can I ask you a question? I was like, what's up? And he was like, do you mind if I ask you what song you were listening to? And I was like, Oh, that's the new R Kelly song. And he said, Oh, okay, thanks. And then he walked around back to his driver's side door. And as I was walking out, he said, that song's awesome. And I said, what? And he said, that's a great song. And I went, oh, yeah. I didn't know if he was trying to be like, watch i i didn't know what he was trying to do maybe he was it seemed too calculated to just the way he did it seemed too calculated to be like oh i really want to know what that song is because it sounds good but i don't know maybe i don't know i'm, I don't know. I'm white and the driver was black.

Maybe he was thinking like, oh, this white guy doesn't know about black music. Like the fucking guy who tweeted me. But I don't know. I don't know what it was, but it was weird. And then, but then on top of that, have you heard this song? Dude, let me just play a little bit of it, I guess. Oh, play it on the computer? Oh, like I can just do it on google or whatever or uh youtube maybe it works oh yeah yeah it works yeah remember i was playing done wife mad cobra oh wow r kelly admit it it's called hey man you did it you know so it's called i admit it i you know

what bother you it's all about him admitting shit it's like it's so annoying that people think because artists when they're being honest like it's taking this fucking stupid turn where it's like oh it's on people like just like honesty like it also has to be artistic people are like yeah but he just bared his soul i don't give a fuck is it good a lot of people do it with comedy like they're like oh yeah but he's he he's honest and he's he's being he's opening up he's being vulnerable dude i don't give a shit make it fucking funny you know like just be funny be that's why i like fucking silly motherfuckers not trying to bring it to comedy but this is what it is on the thing r kelly i admit and then in part of these 19 minute song talking about everything so not a good fucking

uh promo this is it i admit i done made some mistakes and i have some imperfect ways i admit i helped so many people and i'm saying damn people turn fake. I admit it was so hard to focus. Like he does stuff like I admit I made mistakes. I admit it's so hard to focus. I admit yada yada.

And then like I like after the second minute I stopped listening because it got like he's the victim. You know, he's like I admit I have people around me that fuck up. You know, I admit I trust too much. It's like, dude, if you're going to fucking be vulnerable, just keep it to your fucking self, asshole. I admit that sometimes I go to the wrong restaurants and they don't, they're not timely with my order. I admit I should be better at picking my restaurants. Also, his voice is kind of okay. You know?

It's like the best singer at any high school in America is better than him. You know what I mean? Also, his lyrics, fucking basic. I admit, I admit sometimes when I go car shopping, I get the vehicle with the wrong package, and the car salesman shouldn't have sold it to me. He hid information from me. I admit, I've been hidden, I've had information hidden from me. I admit I've been, I've been hidden. I've had information hidden from me and acted with what I thought was correct.

I didn't go to classes. I admit that I dropped out of school. Also, I admit that I dropped out of school, he says. Yeah, all right man you can google that oh how brave dude thanks r kelly thanks for admitting that you dropped out of school because that makes the world better and then also thanks so much for letting kids think it will be okay to drop out of school after you maybe peed on them. Ah! This is how long the song should be.

Four seconds. I admit I pissed on 14-year-olds. Brown. That's it. Credits. I admit I had a sex cult. Brown. that's it credits i admit i had a sex cult brown that's it by the way i don't think that's that bad i'm trying to get one a sex cult wasn't that cool i admit i just feel like retiring admit i just don't feel like trying but all my real niggas around me keep telling me

kills fuck that you gotta keep climbing i admit it i made it i did i don't fuck with a couple of Oh my god, dude. I admit I'm a gift and a curse. Dude, what are you, Batman? What did that one just say? I'm now just going to read it. What did that one just say, dude? The one up there about pedophilia I saw? I mean, so long.

He's scrolling so far to get to it because it's long. I admit I fuck with all the ladies. That's both older and young ladies. Ladies, yeah. Afterwards, in parentheses. I love always how they put the shit in parentheses. You don't have to do that. He said it.

Just put it there, too. But tell me how they call it pedophile because that shit is crazy oh well okay i'll explain it i'll explain it dude um if you fuck someone under well let's just be conservative 17 i think that's the lowest it goes in america and you're your age then you would call it pedophilia because well it's pedophilia it's like looking at a sandwich and calling it a sandwich that's why so that's why so you're a fucking idiot um i mean pedophilia sexual feelings directed toward children good thing one fire looked that up too now it's on my ip address

oh it's on his okay whatever well one fire going to be fucking one put in prison soon. What else is there good ones that you've seen? Oh, right there? What's that? I mean, what does that even mean? Oh, wow. Look at this. I did that bump and grind. I did that 12 play.

I did that fed up. I changed the damn game, so I deserve me a fair play. So put some respect on my name. Fair. This is just horrible. Oh! This is how

you know the song's too long, alright? First of all, it says verse six, okay? Too long, have three. Mostly have two. If you got a good song, three. On a very rare occasion, if you got a banger, four. But not really, because the DJ could just replay the song if you got a banger. but not really because the DJ could just replay the song if you got a banger but this is verse six like it's the book of revelations okay this guy writes

I this guy sings I I admit I love Steve Harvey bye dude that's how it should go I admit I love Steve Harvey. Bye. Dude, that's how it should go. I admit it, I love Steve Harvey. Bye. You don't have to admit you love Steve Harvey. I admit I love Steve Harvey, John Legend, and Tom Joyner. Who's that even? The last guy. Is he a baseball player, this guy?

I admit I love John Allroot. I admit I love Hansley Mullins. I admit it, I admit it. I love Warren Moon. They're doing good in their lives right now. Why would they want to tear down another brother? Why are they trying to do that? Maybe they're trying to do that.

Women show black men some love because black men we go through enough oh dude yeah all right that's true but don't take your pedophilia and fucking compare it to what to the black struggle dude oh i'm a white guy i can't talk about that okay fine but i am that's ridiculous dude that's fucking ridiculous and anybody who who he tricks with that uh get in a fucking get in the drawing machine you know tumble around for a little bit get your brain all fucking boggled up change it around that's what the fuck you thinking about god that's so funny hey the song's over i admit i love steve harvey you don't have to that's not an admission you could just say if you ever say oh dude i admit i love steve harvey no you're just saying it you're not admitting shit

i admit i fondled a girl that's the end of the song the end that's it that's it it's a fucking 10 second song oh my god spotify took me off they playlist they you know unbelievable they don't want me to shine women's group my god now don't get it twisted i do support them but why they want to bring down the r ha dude you can't be vulnerable and call yourself the r if your real name is robert is Robert. Dude, fuck R. Kelly, dude. Fuck that mother... Is this a good one too, right here? Right here?

Oh, you're just highlighting shit for no reason. Anyway, dude. How about that 6ix9ine Rainbow Bright guy that got fucking pistol whipped and stole money? Dude, these guys, what are they doing? What are they doing? They're bragging about all the shit they have and then they're getting kidnapped because of that. Ha. they have and then they're getting kidnapped because of that hat that's so weird this world man

i'll do more reads here and then i'll talk about six nine uh postmates as usual your stomach and the rest of your life are at war you need to eat but you can't stop what you're doing to deal with it. You know, I hate doing that. The only fast things that deliver are not what you want, right? Well, Postmates changed all that. The app, it is the app that adds a delivery option to your favorite restaurants. It'll go get your food anywhere you want.

Imagine anything you want to eat delivered. You don't have to drive, park, or even talk on the phone to order. You just download the app, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Postmates will bring what you want within the hour. It's great. I use it, I mean, almost daily. You can see where your food is and track your driver. So if you're impatient, you can just look and be like, okay, he's right there.

Relax. You forget your eggs and milk, no problem. Craving a tasty burger. Check. Looking for the perfect bottle of red wine or a summer beer. Order up. Postmates is your new long-term munchies booty call. For a limited time, Postmates is giving you $100 of free delivery credit for your first seven days.

To start your free deliveries, download the app today and use code congrats. That's code congrats, C-O-N-G-R-A-T-S for the idiots. And you get $100 of free delivery credit for your first seven days. Save the hassle, get the food you love fast at Postmates with code congrats. Square Cash. If you haven't heard, we're switching to the Cash app. You know it's the number one ranked app in the finance department, and you got to know that because you listen to this show and we say it all the time. And it lets you do

the most with your money. You want to pay people back, buy, sell Bitcoin, put your paycheck into the app directly, or order a free custom cash card to spend anywhere you like. And now the Cash Card is more powerful than ever with Cash App's latest feature, Cash Boost. The Cash Card's Boost program lets you get instant discounts every time you swipe your card. Right now, you can get a dollar off every purchase you make at coffee shops across the country when you pay with your Cash Card. It doesn't stop there. It has 15% off discounts. A lot of other cool places you like to go.

Chipotle, Shake Shack, more. Also, you can also follow Cash App on Twitter and Instagram to find out where the boosts are next so you can save money like that go get boosted download the Cash App get your free cash card and select your boost

of course when you download the Cash App enter rewards code congrats $5 goes to you and $5 goes to Time's Up legal defense fund download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now Congrats. $5 goes to you and $5 goes to Time's Up Legal Defense Fund. Download the free cash app for iOS or Android now.

But yeah, the 6ix9ine guy, or sorry, Rainbow Bright is what I'm going to call him. He just fucking, I don't know, these rappers, it's weird. It's weird how so, it's weird what social media does to every industry and everybody but fucking hip-hop is just the the thing that's just been the most crazy because it turned a most of hip-hop into a joke um you know I'm not talking about guys that are legit like Nas or Pusha T, but these guys, these pink haired guys, and these guys who aren't about the music, they're about the show of it, you know, that's why I say what you want about Drake, you know, he's number one, so he gets a lot of the hate out there, you know, he's the biggest selling artist, but like, people hate

on him because he's number one, but dude, he, at least he's fucking about the music dude i like his music so whatever but these motherfuckers are just nobody listens to them because of the music they listen to them because of their outlandish behavior which is like dude be a fucking comedian be tom green dude like what are you nobody's about the music there are a few people about the music rather and i know you can't get it's way easier to get successful if you're not just about the music like look at little pump look at six nine look at these fucking guys um but he was hospitalized after reportedly being kidnapped and robbed and i just love how i heard that like he told the cops a different thing than what he told social media which is like he has to upkeep his image how do fucking rappers do that it must be

exhausting to always have to be that hard you know like especially if you're one of those rappers that's like motherfucker I ain't playing always you're always I ain't playing motherfucker it's like play sometimes though dude how about that um but like do these guys go to literally literally are carrying around fucking tens of thousands of dollars sometimes a hundred thousand dollars and going into a jewelry place and just buying watches and chains and fucking teeth and rings and then they get pistol whipped and robbed and it's like yeah no shit dude of course you're gonna get fucking pistol whipped and robbed don't don't do that irresponsible bullshit or do and that's fine that's the life that's gonna they're gonna live i guess he lost like a hundred thousand

dollars or something fucking oh my god that's crazy Oh my God. That's crazy. I was at this place in Texas. But people live in a weird fucking mental space. Like, I was at this place in Texas. I forget what it was called. But they had like a bunch of these signs that were like these really cool signs that were like aluminum or whatever you'd call them they look like those you know for like advert signs

and shit and uh they were just outside on the side of the building and i was like uh i was like i asked i was like the waitress i was like that's fucking that take like how do you they don't people don't steal those and she was like i don't think I was like the waitress. I was like, that's fucking, that take, like, how do you, they don't people to steal those? And she was like, I don't think so. She was like, no, nobody steals them. I was like, really? Those be gone in a fucking second in LA. They closed down.

They closed down the minute after the close, they'd be gone. And then, and then she was like, I feel like people who would steal wouldn't steal those things. Because the people who want those things already have money. Because those are things that people with money buy. And I was like, oh, the worst logic of all time. Huh? Like just the shit that flies out of people's mouths. They just say shit. they just don't care they're just like no he's gonna give a fuck i don't need to think about it

i have other assets besides this talking thing it's so weird when people are like that i spend my time thinking about shit by myself you know like when somebody comes up to me and it's like what do you think about this i i already have a fucking idea because i've thought about something like it but i think that's what comes with being a comedian you know you think about a bunch of shit already because you want you know you want to shit already because you want you know you want to you want to uh have a person um what do you call it an opinion on a lot of things because you want to have a perspective in case you need to be funny in any fucking moment on stage um you know and i admit that so put that in the r kelly song i admit i've thought about lots of things before in case people won't ask me.

Oh, my God, dude. People came after me after that R. Kelly tweet. we were in an uber uh my buddy's irish and he was with us his name is mark i always tell you about him but we were in an uber and he was like and the girl who picked us up was like uh first of all it said a civic was going to pick us up and then like one of those boxy fucking cars who whose idea was it to make cars boxy do you know it's like that's just too much development right that's like it's like one of those movies in hollywood where you're like they should have fucking don't do reshoots basically with the boxy car when i look at that i'm like don't do reshoots but uh yeah it was whatever one of those fucking boxy cars that they thought was going to be a good

idea and now people still have them just because they were popular well not popular but like they were a thing a little bit of a thing in like 2003 in march and um so it said a civic was going to come but this boxy bullshit came and i was like she was like chris and i was like oh yeah sorry you have a different car and she's like oh yeah it didn't change over yet and i was like okay let's get in and then uh we were driving and then she was like where are you from where are you from or like anytime uber any drivers drivers start to make conversation with me i always hit my fucking opener and i'm like yo you answer these questions you know like if they're like so where you from and mike's on his phone i'll go and he'll be like oh la

and be like yeah what are you doing out here and they're like oh you know just hanging i'm like i'm so happy he's right here just to fucking talk for me, man. Small talk, ass motherfucker, you know? No. And so Mark answered instead of Mike and Mark from Ireland. So she's like, where are you guys visiting from? And he was like, Ireland. And I was like, oh, well, I'm just going to let it ride because I'm not going to be like,

oh, fucking actually, I'm from L.A. And if she's not going to be like, oh, fucking actually, I'm from L.A. And if she's not going to be like, what about you guys? She probably assumes we're all from Ireland. So now we're from Ireland. No matter what happens, I got to fucking respond like an Irish guy or whatever the fuck. So hopefully she doesn't ask me shit. So she's like, oh, wow, really? Long trip for what?

Just for fun? And he's like, oh, yeah, which is not true. We came for work. And she was like, well, how long are you in town for? And he said, tomorrow. And he said, said oh that's a quick trip yeah and then she was like uh just kept asking questions she was like so what have you guys been doing and he's like oh just you know eating hanging out she's like some good restaurants he was like oh we went to chipotle and starbucks and she was like what there's good restaurants out here and he's like well those are good

and she's like but you're there anywhere and he's like what do's good restaurants out here And he was like well those are good And she was like but they're anywhere And he's like what do you mean And she was like there's tons of them And he says oh no we went to Starbucks And she was like that's everywhere And he's like oh there's more of them Like he's fucking with her And then I started to like get into it you know

And she was like what do you mean yeah they're everywhere And he's like oh I thought there was just the one We asked the guy for a local coffee shop and he's told us starbucks was he fucking with us and she was like yeah yes and he was like oh man we really man we really liked it you know we kept going back there and um and then she was like you don't have them in Ireland? And he said, no, no, I thought it was just, I don't know, I thought it was a mom and pop shop. And he was like, Chipotle too?

And she was like, really? And he was like, yeah. And then she was like, so what have you been doing? And he said, oh, just every night we ask the door guy where to go, and he always sends us to a different uh club or bar and it uh every time the we look around and it's pretty much a gay bar and we're looking for women though and she was like oh really and she was like well she's like houston is the second biggest gay population in america and we were just like uh no it's not just saying shit you know he was like oh really

okay and he dropped she dropped us off at this place um and we just kind of fucking that was when we ate with the fucking signs and shit but uh yeah it was funny man i don't normally like that kind of humor but it was funny dude because like we're just all in with the irish shit and then i went there when i said bye i was like oh thanks a lot i did it irish because i was like i don't want to fucking i don't want her to think we're fucking with her but he was like uh he put one over on her she definitely didn't doesn't listen to this podcast, so that's okay. Ah, boy. It's crazy how gullible people are, though.

Oh, yeah. By the way, I don't think I told this story in the podcast, but last time I was in Houston, I was doing my show, and immediately I had to like go to the bathroom. In the middle of my set – oh, this is fucking bullshit actually. I had to go – I guess I didn't tell Mike and Mark about this. But I had to go – I was on stage and in the middle, I was like, dude, I think I got to speed up through my set. But I was halfway through and I was like there's no way I can fucking I can speed through it this hard I still have like 30 minutes

left and I was like shit I gotta stop because all of a sudden my stomach was like and my asshole was like prepare to unload and it got a little looser and I was like and I literally said to the crowd I was like hey guys

um hey man and I looked at the manager and he's like what's up i was like can you get jason back out here this was a fucking year and a half ago when i was last at houston and my buddy jason collins was opening for me and he was like and jason came i was like what's up dude and i was like yeah you gotta fucking do some stand-up for like 10 minutes i gotta go take a shit and everyone's like what and i was like dude i i don't know what to tell you i just i gotta take a shit and uh he came on stage and he was like for real and he was laughing everyone was laughing i was like yeah i'll be back guys be back in a little bit went to the green room

got it all out okay and then came back and i was like dude guys sorry i feel so much better uh let's do this got right back into my act and fucking did it, you know. And it was fine. Obviously, I made fun of it. Made light of it. It was funny. It was a special fucking experience for that moment. So then this weekend, I did a bit where I held my eyes open for way too long in some really well-written crafted comedy.

And that was a joke, it's a joke and uh and um my contact just all of a sudden went in the back of my eye you know when it happens where you're like oh shit that might be there for just until i die you know and you're like what the fuck well i had no mirror i tried to look i was like guys my fucking contacts in my brain right now and i'm trying to look in a selfie camera and they're and like and i was like you fucking a lot of you know what the annoying thing is a lot of you guys are gonna think this is a bit i'm doing which is so stupid what it's not funny why would i do it anyway i did the rest of the fucking show with like 30 minutes left with one eye being able to see and the other one i went back into the um bathroom and then found it in the back of my eye put it back put it back and then when i came back

to do like some of the meet and greet pics that people bought uh people were like some people were like were you serious or was that like were you And I'm like, not only is it not funny, just be able to tell first, besides the fact that it's not funny, also be able to tell what's a joke and what's not a joke and what is a put on and what's not a put on. And then when I say, you guys are going to think this is a bit, it's annoying because it's not a bit. I'm really fucked up here. Then, no, it's not a bit.

People are still like, was it a bit? For who, dude? But while I did that, I didn't tell my – I didn't realize I haven't – I didn't tell Mike and Mark my shitting story. tell mike and mark my shitting story so um while that was happening while i was on stage i was talking about contact the manager was like oh by the way guys do you know about last time and they were like no no um no i don't know he didn't tell us at starbucks and uh and he said yes it was hilarious man so i'm watching this i hate when guys do this. I love the manager, by the way, of the Houston Improv. But I can't stand when people do this. They act like they knew some shit before it happened when you didn't goddamn know.

It's like the equivalent of like, oh, yeah, I like that band's first album way better. Not many people know what it is. It's a fucking EP. So he was like, so I'm chris's stand up and i noticed his face get like really nervous and he's like and he whispers to this how you know he's bullshit first of all imagine me getting nervous about having to go take a shit i don't give a fuck i literally took it was like to 450 people i was like dude i had to take i'm sorry guys i gotta take a shit life happens and then he was like and then he whispered to me, hey, could you get Jason?

Which is bullshit because I'm holding a microphone. It doesn't matter if you're whispering or not. Gun here. Also, gun no. I had to ask for Jason to come up because Jason's gun come up. And they're going to see their eyes. See with their eyes. And then I got it. And then

my openers were like, dude, so you tried to pretend like you weren't going to take a shit. What did everybody think when you came back? I was like, huh? And then I fucking looked at the manager. I was like, yo, you tried to act like I didn't fucking own that shit. Nah, bro. You got the wrong motherfucker. You got the wrong motherfucker, dude i take a shit people know about that and you know about it i'm taking a montage right here oh wrong one what's the fucking do i not have it boom boom boom oh i got it here hit the wrong key montage of me taking shits me using one toilet somebody going no i'm using another toilet somebody goes no i'm using and feel her like this. That's the one. In a dress.

All right, let's take some Twitter questions. Do you have some? Oh, man. One fire turned into one iron, dude. I hate saying this, but one fire turned into one fire. Jesus Miguel Chapa. Chris D'Elia, do you drink kombucha?

It seems like the most cuda thing to drink. Dude, I'll tell you right now, I straight up don't know what the fuck kombucha is. Is that the shit with the little balls in it? Oh, boba is the shit with the balls in it? Dude, fuck boba. I tried that once years ago, and that's fucking nasty, dude. Oh, kombucha is the shit with the seeds in it

chia like kombucha right that's what it is chia is the shit with the seeds in it what the fuck is kombucha i don't know what it is oh fermented tea fermented what does that mean shit oh really kombucha i'm gonna look it up is it japanese or something oh there's stuff in it yo dude hey drinks with this stuff in it just be soup you know that shit's annoying man oh but it's got leaves and balls in it oh really what is it the jungle what am i drinking? The jungle? What am I drinking? The fucking jungle? Yo, what am I drinking?

A fucking rainforest? Get out of here. Make it liquid. Make it pure fucking liquid. The only thing that's okay is orange juice with pulp in it because that pulp is fucking blasting with flavor. But dude, if you put shit in your fucking drinks congratulations you made soup now make the lid wider spread it out it's a bowl get a spoon and fucking lap it up you doggy

it's so dumb dude oh but it's good. All right, you cuda. Oh, but it's good, but I... Okay, cuda. You're drinking it because it's an activity. That's why you're drinking it. Dude, if you drink shit because it's an activity, you're a fucking cuda. And we don't stand for that shit here at the log cabin.

The fuck out of here, man. You know what I'm saying? You cuda. you cuda cuda uh oh this is a good one hannah devries i actually think see i've thought about this shit already what do you say when you're in a public washroom and someone knocks on the stall door s creep um that's what she wrote s a creep i i actually think i've covered this but i don't know if i have but i'll do it again dude i not you knock on the door to the bathroom if someone's in there once that's it do you know why because nobody has ever wanted to hang out in a fucking public bathroom longer than they've needed to be so if i'm in there for and? You don't fucking, come on.

Hey, stuff is coming out of my asshole, dude. Let me be. I got here first. Trust me. I don't want this to be happening more than you don't want this to be happening. Find another restroom or shit your pants a matter of fact sometimes i go you know what i did once i was in a coffee bean i went to this

is funny actually because it kind of it didn't backfire but this is how someone learns um and i was taking a fucking number two and i went to go lock the door. And I noticed that the lock wasn't really that much of a good lock. I, I, I learned, I saw that if you really tried, you could open the door, but I was like, look, I'll lock it as long as it goes. If somebody tries to open it, they'll see it's locked and they're not going to try to break it down because they don't work for SWAT. So I'm there sitting down doing business. Okay. And I hear a jiggle at the door and a knock. And I say, I'm in here even though I don't need to because the goddamn

door was locked. All right. So I'm sitting still going. And then I hear the jiggle again. And I'm like, well, this motherfucker is going to make this door open if he really tries to do that. And again, I say, hey, I don't know what you want me to tell you, but I'm busy and I'm in here. Then it happens again. And I get mad. I get mad because this person isn't understanding that I'm not throwing my 25th birthday party in this coffee bean bathroom with piss all over the floor. I don't want to be there. All right. I'm there because I have to be shitting. So then one last time they jerked the door. And this is by the way, not long enough. They're giving me between the jiggles and sure enough the lock comes undone oh oh and right then i go from angry to

zero angry and absolute i have cultivated chill mode at the highest level. I couldn't be more relaxed if I were sleeping. Because I, the anger that I had is realized into the love and excitement and balanced out my anger, the love and excitement that this person's gonna have to see me with my pants around my ankles and my fucking privates on display while I'm unloading okay and i'm happy and i'm calm as shit dude i'm as calm as a fucking typewriter okay they don't have emotions and in walks a fucking 12 year old And in walks a fucking 12-year-old. And I go, oh.

That's funny. That's funny, Lord. That is funny. And I mean, Lord, the singer. Because that person is in charge of the world just as much as Jesus Christ is. Maybe even more because she could do some shit. The fucking, the gif of the fucking dude going like this in the park. Because Lord can, Lord the singer can actually do something.

Oh, the fucking, the gif of the guy with the hoodie doing that in the park oh dude i'm kidding man i mean if you believe in god that's great believe in god all you want um just you know just try to get him to change the weather a little bit. It won't work. Um. No, it's all good. Just try to fucking just keep praying. Maybe I'll help you get out of debt. Um. No, no, no. It's good. It's good.

Believe in God for real, but maybe I'll help you with car troubles or something like that. When Lord could the singer. Lord could the singer but not the lord oh but he does it in his own way bye hi really what's his own way not doing it gotcha boy oh yo yoing auga welcome to fucking jimmy and the frog on kf 105 boy oh yo yoing jesus won't help you with your car Here we go, Smokey Robinson Or whoever sings this song I can't forget a little love anymore I can't forget

Never would have to forget that Dude It's fucking, what's his name, Michael McDonald Every time I see My new buddy Buddy Buddy Michael McDonald helps the world Every time I see you, man, you're pretty, pretty, pretty.

Michael McDonald helps the world way more than Jesus Christ. Oh, fuck, dude. I keep forgetting I'm not in love anymore. Didn't forget it. If you're heartbroken, you always remember it. It should be key. I keep forgetting my keys that's it that's the song Michael McDonald's voice you know

what's the other one fucking what's the other big one he has and then we'll wrap up sorry guys I'm sweating my ass off but dude whatever I'm having a good time this podcast had some ups and downs huh oh yeah yeah wait oh

that oh yeah this one yes oh my god how did i forget about this song i used to listen to all the time michael mcdonald's is shit right how many guys are named michael mcdonald you know how much would that fucking flying suck dude it would suck to be named a guy and then that and then a guy gets really famous with the same name that would suck like if your name was lebron james and then lebron james was like getting good at basketball at 16 and you're like fuck i'm gonna be the other lebron james what if your name was keanu Reeves and you weren't Keanu Reeves? Oh, my God. That would fucking suck. And the Internet's not working.

What a fool. Well, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding that shit dude that like how many notes are in that song uh all right cool um i mean there's a michael mcdonald that's also another michael mcdonald's that's famous in uh in mad tv right all right, dude. I'm out, dude. You have to look up that song on your own because my internet doesn't work on fire. But all right, here we go. Square Cash. Check out the new Boost Rewards program.

Get the Cash app. Enter rewards code congrats. Get $5. Give $5 to Time's Up. Get it for iOS or Android now. Blue Apron. Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash congrats. You can get merch. There's new merch.

And the merch store, they got the Follow the Leader tour shirts. Those are fucking actually selling crazy on my on tour. They were sold out before the last two shows, even in Houston. So go to the,

uh, if you didn't get one in Houston, go, you know, my website and get them follow the fall or you can get tickets to the tour. Follow the leader tour. I'm coming to Lincoln, Nebraska,

Wichita, Kansas and Kansas city. Um, Kansas city, Missouri. And then, um, uh,

yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go up to Montreal and do my set and film it for Netflix. So be ready for that. You guys are great. Have a good time in your life. Congratulations! Thank you.