Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 8. Faster Than Light

Episode Date: March 20, 2017

Hey babies, rude bwoys and side tings! It's the 8th episode! In today's discussion, Chris talks about adults who play board games. Also discussed: registered sex offenders who have bad breath, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Al Pacino, Asian-American names, being yourself, calling yourself a nerd, Chris's new French friend Leo, and of course the Donald Trump Jr. tree stump photo. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply Congratulations! Ting 1, 2, 3 I'm saying ting because I listened to Drake's new album Welcome to Congratulations Podcast What's up my babies? I'm right here man, I'm right here and I'm right now What's that, what was that song?

Right here, right now I don't know who that was by But it was super 80s and 90s 90s I think Congratulations to Podcast Episode 8 It's the first ever eighth episode. That's amazing, dude. You guys were doing it and we're doing it good and we're doing it live.

And every episode, I feel like we're picking up some steam and people are getting involved. More people are telling each other about this. This is like a cult, basically. I'm starting a cult and it's called Congratulations. And it started with stand-up and then it moved over to the podcast so pretty soon we'll all be in a a log cabin somewhere in montana drinking weird shit um but i'm here and i'm in la uh and i've been in la for about two weeks that's a long time me. I've been off the road because I shot my special and that's what's up. And it's a beautiful day. The weather's beautiful. LA is the best, man. I love the weather, period. That's why people say, what's your favorite place? LA, because of the weather. That's the answer. I picked up my coffee today, as I do every day. Went to this cafe near my, where I pick up my prescriptions and shit,

not telling you the ailments I got, but had to go pick up, had to go to the cafe near my prescription where I pick it up at the CVS. And every time I go to this cafe, there's this old man there, super old. And he's one of to this cafe, there's this old man there, super old. And he's one of the, you know how coffee shops always have like one weirdo. He's always, he's dressed like Indiana Jones's father,

you know, like all beige. He's like one of those guys. He has like 18 pockets on his vest. And he sets up like this table and he puts this thing, these stickers out there. And when you walk by, if you make eye contact, he'll be like, you know, he'll be like, table and he puts this thing, these stickers out there. And when you walk by, if you make eye contact, he'll be like, you know, he'll be like, you should check this out and hand you a sticker for some fucking thing.

And you're like, oh, OK, cool. And then he starts talking about like countries you've never been to. But oh, and he also has the worst breath ever of all time. So that's cool. He'll talk and you'll he'll talk. And and the first time you it's one of those breaths that when you're talking and because you don't think about people's breath when you're talking you know you're just talking to them and then when they start like if they'll like lean in

and you just you don't even get like you just you in your head you think you think oh you know what i mean that's the worst breath if you can get somebody to stop thinking about anything and just go like this, oh, that's the worst breath. His breath smells like the fucking inside of a turtle probably. And he's got a fucking Indiana Jones outfit on. And no bullshit, my buddy goes to the coffee shop there. And he fucking, he, he,

uh, direct messages me on Twitter once. And he was like, check out this guy. That's always at the coffee shop that dressed like Indiana Jones's father with the turtle breath. And he fucking is like a legit is on that Megan's law. Is that what that is? The child molester website,

Megan's law, right? I think that's the, the, that is? The child molester website? Megan's Law, right? I think that's the, whatever the child molester fucking Megan's Law. He's on it. He like is a registered sex offender. Oh, he's a registered sex offender. Hey, he dresses like Indiana Jones's dad. His breath smells like a turtle. And he's a registered sex offender. The worst guy ever. I mean, dude, come on, dude. If you're a child molester, don't have bad breath too. What the fuck?

Yo, okay, so. So, yeah, so that's. So, but. And here's the thing though so i started looking up the on megan's law the fucking shit by the way my producer left he was laughing so hard because of fucking i don't know what but it's because of the bad breath thing i think but so he he and he's gonna blow his nose or something or maybe just cry but um so so the guy comes so the guy so i checked megan's law and and i'm looking at this website and you can like look in your area at least in la i don't know if they have it everywhere but like you can look in

the area of where you are and see registered sex offenders and it's fucked up because like this guy like everyone's on there like if you have child pornography you're on there if you have like fondled it i feel even bad saying this but like it happens like if you if you do lewd act is what they call it lewd acts with with withage people. I'm trying to say it the most careful way possible. You're on the website too, but they don't tell you what the crime is. So imagine,

I feel like these days you can get arrested for just looking at a fucking 16-year-old too long, even if you're 18. So imagine being on the website if you're an 18-year-old and you looked at a 16-year year old for 30 seconds and also you have like a van and lure children in for lewd conduct

they should fucking tell you i don't know how to write like react to this guy when he says hi to me basically is what i'm saying like you know if he just like was like if if he, I mean, look, it's all bad, you know, but somebody who has a picture of a 16 year old is, you know, there's a spectrum here. Yeah. Okay. That's bad. That's obviously bad and against the law. And I don't condone that for sure. But if you fucking, I don't even want to say it, but if you did something way, way worse than that, it's way worse.

I don't know, man. way worse than that it's way worse i don't know man i don't know how to treat him basically but i do know how to treat him because he's got the breath of a fucking oh my god dude it's like when your dog's fucking anal sac pops and you're like oh he got that in his mouth yo dude do you have an anal sac in the back of your throat? Hey, dude, do you have any intestines or does it just go from your anus to your mouth? It doesn't travel? Dude, unbelievable. It travels faster than light. The air goes through his anus and comes out of his mouth faster than light. Fucking Neil deGrasse Tyson would be like, billions of light. It travels faster than light from his anus all the way to his mouth. Billions of traveling particles made up inside

him and inside you make up the universe and smell like a turtle. The same billions of particles that are inside of a turtle are inside of his anus and travel at light speed to his mouth and exit as he's telling you about stickers on his on his table he also has pictures of children and dresses like Indiana Jones' father. Imagine if that was what happened in Cosmos. I feel like nobody watched 12 of those episodes, and that's what episode 12 is about. Because they get more and more like...

In the beginning, they're talking about the universe and shit, and time travel, and dark matter, and fucking black holes. But then they get to like wolves and you're like, you could have maybe just made six episodes. They're like, dogs are basically wolves. Millions of particles inside dogs became wolves. I met Neil deGrasse Tyson. That dude's tall. He's cool, man.

That guy's got so much hair, too, like on his head. He's got more hairs on his head than people in China. Billions of follicles on top of my head sprout billions of hairs, and they stay there. They never leave. And that's what is known as my head mildew grass tyson has more hair per capita than fucking trees in the world millions of grains of sand on every beach doesn't compare to the millions of hair follicles that sprout hair from on top of my head. That is what come,

what has come to have us known as Neil deGrasse Tyson's head. Dude. And Neil, I feel like Neil deGrasse Tyson is one of those guys that if we saw him bald, it would be like, Oh, whoa, no. By the way, I think I'm that way.

If I shave my head, I feel like I might as well just jump into a volcano. But yeah, dude, how fucking weird is that? They're around, dude. Child molesters and shit and child people with, they're around. They're around. It's amazing. It's just fucking amazing i don't know man i i see i see him all the time i see him all the time and i don't know how to treat him and that's the thing you know what's weird though when you're in hollywood like dude

i've been in hollywood for 24 years i'm 36 i'm 36 i've been in hollywood for 24 years. I'm 36. I've been in Hollywood for 24 years. I moved when I was 12 with my family. And every time I say that, when somebody says, I tell people I move with my family and they say, wow. And I say, yeah, my kids. And I think it's funny because like a 12 year old obviously doesn't have kids and the joke never

works. They don't laugh. And I just am always going to do it. So buckle down. And I was actually thinking about this recently, dude. I've been in LA for fucking 24 years, man. And I've seen people, you see people all the time that you see. And like, sometimes you'll see people once a week. Like I see this this guy this lewd conduct guy once a week but like then you see people like once a year and like once every two years sometimes but they're around they're in hollywood and they all came to fucking pursue their dreams right and they came to idaho

because they were the best looking person in their city and they were like i could do it and they come here and they don't do it or they do do it or they kind of do it. But you see them around. For like 24 years, I've been seeing these fucking people, some of these people for 24 fucking years and they just get older and shit. And I get older too, man. And it's crazy to think,

it's weird to see people become famous that were just like, they were just like Craig from someplace. And then it's weird to see people that you thought were going to be fucking so famous, and then they're just people that are just happy as a bartender or whatever, which is fine too, but their dreams didn't happen. But they're in the best place in the world. It's just weird to see these people all over again.

Some people just get fat. Some people go paleo and they're thin. And they look like they're thin as fuck. But they're just like, I'm on paleo or whatever. It's just crazy to see these people do it. I've had roommates. I've had fucking, you know, I thought. And it can still even happen for them, you know.

It trips me out. happen for them you know it trips me out it trips me out to see these people that like make it and then don't make it that guy the guy was probably like that the guy at the cafe he was probably like i'm gonna go to la and i'm gonna become a fucking you know a guy with a travel show i say that because of what he wears but then he was was like, but then I saw some kids and my life took a different direction and I went to jail for a few years. I know I'm on meganzlaw.com. Adults are fucking weird, man.

Everybody becomes more like themselves. I think I've said this, I think I said this on the first episode of the podcast. But like, everyone becomes more themselves. So if you don't like somebody when they're fucking 18, you're sure as hell not going to like them when they're 35. And you're definitely not going to like that when they're, when they're, when they're 80, right? Like that guy that you're

like, yeah, I think that guy's, that guy's interesting. I like that guy. If he's 25, bro, that guy's going to be the best when he's 50 because he's going to be so himself. But then what happens is like i always think of it in terms of actors like like al pacino al pacino is a great actor but if you don't reign him in that guy will be all over the place because he just becomes you know people start doing impressions of al pacino and then al pacino starts doing impressions of himself and then you're just seeing i used to do this bit on stage where al Pacino, I feel like Al Pacino only does movies where there's like one monologue in it. And it has to be like a monologue that starts with a story that pertains nothing to the actual movie.

And then it ends up like an emotional fucking scene. Like the kid would be like, hey, dad, do you want to play catch? And he'd be like, do you know how they make a Kobe steak? What they do is they take a cow. They get that cow good and drunk. And then they massage the cow they beat it up nice and then what they do is they cut that cow's neck they let the blood just drain down they throw it on the grill after they skin it and they make it nice sure i'll play catch and you're

like uh that didn't have anything to do with do you want to play catch. But Al Pacino's always doing these fucking monologues like that. They'll be like, which way to the fucking, which way to Main Street? I used to, oh, I used to have a motorcycle.

And you're like, all right, goddammit, can we just, don't ask Al for directions, you know? I feel like that's how he is in real life. You'd be like, you want to change the channel, dude? Oh, boy, I'd love to. We used to go hiking in the mountains. We used to see bear.

And you're like, God fucking, can you just hit channel up, dude? I feel like that's what al pacino it's a so my point is people become more of that like you see that you see it with deniro too his face became harder and harder when he would do it you know how we start doing that a little bit what the fuck is printing something's printing i literally have no idea what it is. Anyway. You did it? Guys, you get a little BTS here behind the scenes. The printer just went for nothing. It was scary.

But we're good. So, yeah. Adults get weird, though, man. And then they start like, I don't know. Adults are fucking weird, though. Adults are weird. You ever think about a fucking weird kid? Think about that person as an adult.

That's how you know somebody's crazy, by the way, is if you think of them as 75 years old and you think, oh, okay. Yeah, no, for sure. Like, think about some of your friends and then think about them 75. You really want to hang out with that motherfucker? Dude. Think about your weird friend, then think about them 75. You really want to hang out with that motherfucker? Dude. Think about your weird friend. Then think about them 75 years old and alone. No.

Weirdo. Weirdo, weirdo for sure. But I don't know why I have this in my notes here. Adults who like play games. Like actual games. Like, oh, that's what happened. because somebody invited me to a fucking party where they're like yeah and we're gonna play taboo and i'm like no no we're not you might you're boring if you're over 12 you're boring if you're going to play a fucking anything with cards, you're boring. Dude, you know how the games say this is for 12 years and up. They don't say it's for everyone because of that reason.

They say it's for 12 years and up because at 12, you're supposed to stop playing that game. But they don't want to say that because they want you to buy it if you're 35. Hey, you play games with a purple box? Did you buy a purple box with stuff in it? Boring. Dude, did you buy a purple box with a buzzer in it? Dude, hey, did you buy a purple box with a buzzer in it? And are you going to have people over to press that buzzer? And you're 49? Go to sleep forever.

Don't invite those people over. Instead, go to sleep forever. Taboo. That's the commercial. For 12 and up. And if you're 50, go to sleep forever if you think about buying it. Taboo. That's the commercial. For 12 and up. And if you're 50, go to sleep forever if you think about buying it. Taboo. Scattergories.

Hey, eat my asshole. If you fucking buy a red box with swirls on it and it's got 150 cards and then you can buy another pack. Dude, here's the deal if you buy scattergories and then you play it so much that you have to buy the fucking extra cards go to sleep forever go to sleep forever put the cards in your coffin oh my god dude're going to invite fucking people over to play? Hey, do you have die? Do you have die? Do you have dice? Do you have dice in your fucking, if you have any form of dice, if you have small dice that you fucking jiggle around in your hands and then fucking throw on a table and go yay. Or if you have the furry dice that you put on the rear of your mirror in your car, go to sleep forever.

Dude, come on, man. Jenga? Die. Imagine being a fucking 50-year-old like, okay, where do I grab it? Nah, it's not fun. Just talk. Play on your phone. That's the adult version.

Go fucking read or something. You know, I don't know. Jump up and down for fuck's sake. Get active. You played fucking... What's another one another one oh you played yahtzee yo what's with these names too what are we gonna call it yahtzee why because that's what you'll scream when you win why because i'm a crazy person i could hey yo what should we call the game yahtzee why sorry i have tourette syndrome well fuck it that's

what you'll yell when you win yahtzee we're all crazy okay anyway we're going to sleep forever why because we made this drink this why because it's poison dude come on man talk to each other Dude, come on, man. Talk to each other. I mean, what would you do? Imagine a group text. Hey, having a game time. Come on by.

That'd be great. Imagine if I text. Dude, I looked the other day in my phone because I was wondering how many contacts people have. I asked somebody, they had like 150 contacts and I was like, oh, dude, I have way, I don't, I never got rid of any contact in my life. I looked, you can go to the bottom of the phone to look. I have 2,594 contacts. Most popular guy in the world, I guess. Dude, I have no idea who fucking 85% of these people are.

I got somebody named Grace in here. Who the fuck is Grace? No clue. Grace was, by the way, when I went to La Cuneta High School, which was like you everyone was either white or asian grace was the number one name that asian girls had and that's hilarious because i feel like their parents didn't really know when they came over here what like american names were and they were like they would like see movies that were made in like 1960

like it was like yeah we'll name her Grace because that's what like name like nobody no like white girl's name is Grace it's like naming your kid Henry or Hank Hank Kim hey Hank Kim you know George

Suck George they would name kids George Grace Hannah and like hank henry that's so funny like just what's wrong with the fucking david there was like two david kims and 47 grace lose 47 Grace Lues. They were trying, you know, they were trying, but they did it. Oh, I saw Get Out, dude.

God, that movie was good. Hats off to Jordan Peele. That fucking movie was good. What'd they do it for like $ million dollars and it made 14 billion dollars it's like every fucking article I read it's like creeping up on Avatar man it was good

it was so good it was good because it was like of the times too I feel like more people aren't racist now but it's just being exposed because of the internet and it's being filmed i feel like everyone's been so the most racist period but always but uh it just is like so of the time because it's like in a way like a, uh, on steroids,

racist kind of like white family, but it's just so good. Like, and it's cool because now maybe they'll stop making fucking, not that I really, I go see these movies as well too, but like just these reboots and remakes and shit. I feel like they're going to make,

get out the reboot and it comes out next year. Like, dude, you don't like, you just make some else. They're starting to reboot shit that aren't even hits. It'll be like, yeah,

the reboot and fucking Dante's peak. And you're like, was that a hit? That was with like Tommy Lee Jones. That was like the one movie Tommy Lee Jones was in or Pierce Brosnan was in. It was with Tommy Lee Jones. That was the one movie Tommy Lee Jones was in, or Pierce Brosnan was in. He was one of those guys. There were two movies that came out back-to-back in 99. One was called Dante's Peak, and one was called Volcano.

And they both ate utter shit, because you can't come out with two fucking movies about an exploding volcano in the same year. They're going to reboot. Reboot that, dude. I'll be in that. Make it for fucking $2 million. It doesn't even need to be we don't even need to use real special effects. We could just use like Tabasco sauce. I'll cover myself with Tabasco sauce and be like

we need to get down the hill dante's peak dude the reboot people be like this some people be like this movie even came i don't even remember this movie fucking dante's peak and volcano came out that'd be like transformers and car Changers came out. Fast and the Furious and Fast and the Angry came out. Drive Angry. Remember that one?

That was a Nicolas Cage one. By the way, I was at the comedy store the other night, and it was like a fucking red carpet event, dude. I say this because I think think amber heards in drive angry and she was at the comedy store elon musk was at the comedy store james franco was at the comedy store and leonardo fucking dicaprio was there the fuck they were like chris you're on next i was like oh fuck okay i gotta bring it this could literally this set could end my career and i'll never be able to buy a Tesla.

It was amazing. That place is hot as fuck, dude. I love performing there. Go, man. You get to go to see like all the comedians, the top comedians for like $25. I don't know. I'm not trying to make a commercial here about the comedy store but it's great

they got food you can eat that shit you can go and eat chicken fingers Mitzi Shore who created the comedy store the owner of the comedy store never wanted food there because she felt like it took away from watching the actual comedy

but they had drink you you know, the two drink minimum. And now they got food there the past like two years because shit's changing, man. People eat the chicken fingers and I think they got pizza or some shit. By the way, that's something. Shut the fuck up about pizza, dude. Pizza's great shut the fuck up about pizza dude pizza's great but shut up about the fucking internet my life is pizza girls are doing fucking posing in pizza bikinis and shit photo shoots with their naked and they put their pizza over their fucking pussy hey that's gross as fuck oh man pizza memes and shit it's good but so sushi so it's fucking you know a taco a burrito nobody fucking it drives me nuts when people just jump on the fucking train pizza let's sell pizza pizza shirt, that green frog eating a pizza, how'd that fucking

green frog get so popular, with the bug eyes, I know he has a name, I know they call him something like Tommy or some shit, somebody said it to me the other day, like in life, they were like, yeah, it's like, whatever his name is, it's like Tommy, and I was like, what, and they're like, Tommy, and I was like, nah, what, who's that, and they were like, yeah, it's like whatever his name is. It's like Tommy. And I was like, what? And they're like, you know, Tommy. And I was like, nah, what? Who's that? And they were like, the fucking green frog meme guy. I'm like, you can't just throw that out there. Like I know it, like his name, like he exists.

Like I see him sometimes on Sunset. Pepe? Is that it? Pepe the frog guy? I don't know. Pepe? Pepe? I'm going to Google Pepe? Is that it? Pepe the frog guy? I don't know. Pepe? Pepe? I'm gonna Google Pepe. Meme. Yeah, Pepe the frog, yeah.

Weird how that shit gets big. But pizza, dude, it's so good, but relax. And, you know... I don't know. I feel like the same person who does that is the same person who's like a self-proclaimed nerd. Because they bought glasses and buttoned their shirt up. That's another tired thing. I'm like, it's mostly girls, girls i guess i'm like the biggest nerd in the world why i play video games yeah okay yep what else i love star wars have you seen all of them? Most of them. Really? Why? I don't know.

They were just on. Did you wait in line? Nah, I waited for it to come out. Oh yeah? Yeah. But I'm like the biggest dork ever. Why? Cause like I stay home so much.

Oh yeah? Mm-hmm. And I got glasses. Oh yeah? Mm-hmm. When's got glasses. Oh yeah? Mm-hmm. When's the last time you fucked? Yesterday. You're not a nerd. God. When's the last time you got, you know, you went out on a date? When's the last time you hung out with your girlfriends I just got back you're not a nerd where are your pimples

where are your fucking fucked up teeth you know do you go like this oh god you're not a nerd cause you played a fucking fallout 3 once cause you watched a guy play fallout 3 once that drives me nuts oh my god i'm like the i'm like the most boring person ever you know you're not cute saying that shit

so that my favorite thing to do is just like binge watch tv you're not cute saying it also i saw you out getting drunk on your Snapchat, you know? I like never go out. You're out. You're saying it at a bar. Why can't people just be? I strive for this, though, in all seriousness. I strive to be who I am.

It's hard, though. I talk about this in my last special it's fucking hard not to pretend it really is but try harder you know try harder it's hard to even know what you want right it's hard to even know what the fuck you want from the very basic down to the very basic uh element of it be like, even to realize you're tired is hard sometimes. You're go, go, go, go, go. And you're like, oh, fuck, dude. I think I'm tired.

And then you just like literally sit down and you're like. It's hard to know. But like, try harder. Don't fucking lie to me and know you're lying to me. I don't like the cool guy also that like tries to fucking be a nerd i don't know i got glasses i barely wear them because i just got contacts you know sometimes i wear my button all the way up whatever

it's just don't pretend like you're not who you are. That's why I get upset at like the chicks on Instagram that are like on private jets and shit. And they don't show the fucking dude that's paying for the jet. Like, if you're, by the way, if you're a girl and you fund the private jet, great. I'm not saying girls don't do that. the way if you're a girl and you fund the private jet great i'm not saying girls don't do that but these girls on instagram like 90 i don't know 90 fucking so much percent of them are on jets because of the guy that fucking funded it and they're showing the girls out there and they're uh i guess i guess dude i mean hey you should always be winking if you're like that like with my girlies

with my girlies and he beat any visa only hanging out with chicks ladies night you know like yeah we get it man but there's fucking idiots out there that are like hope you're having fun bb you know I love, goddamn love guys from Dubai that fucking comment though. And like Russians or like a Croatian guy that's like, love to touch your milky tit. Like they'll just comment that on Instagram. Like, love to press play on your pussy and you're like what what are these guys saying dude it's like you really don't have

a just do it in your own language just write the fucking russian shit love to press play on your pussy bb and then you go look and it's like only pictures of the guy in his car and you're like what dude goddamn people are so weird man people are so fucking weird love to press play on your pussy bb uh why the fuck are people so weird it makes it good i complain about a lot but i guess i seriously love it like i want to be friends with that guy with those guys dude i met a guy by the way i got a fucking that's it man i got man. I got it. I got, I figured it out, man. I love weird people. And I love, I have weird fucking friends. And some of my friends think that they're not weird, but they are, but that's what makes it so awesome. Dude, I got a fucking Irish friend now. He looks like me, but he looks like me,

but also splinter had a baby the rat from fucking and he cuts his mustache like halfway like i'm like dude why don't you fucking grow your mustache out or shave it and he's like no i don't i can't do an irish accent but he's like i don't i can't do it but he's like i i because then i look like a pedophile and i'm like dude you look like a fucking pedophile now dude and he was like no i look like a i don't know but i got an irish guy and he's so fucking irish and it's so funny to listen to him and then i got a i met a french guy the other day and i'm he's my friend now dude he was supposed to hang out with me friday night i invited him out to the comedy store and he didn't

show up this is what he texted me let me just go through what the french guy texted to me text me first of all he came up to me and he goes like this he's got a weird accent and he was like he was just standing near me i was talking to my friend at the comedy store and he was just standing near me like hovering like he was a fucking fly and i look over at him, and I say to him, what the fuck's going on, man? Like, you good? And he says, oh, hi, what show are you going to see? Like, that's how he sounds. He does not sound French.

And I was like, what show am I going to see? He's like, yeah, are you here for a comedy show? And I was like, no, I'm performing one. And he says, oh, are you Chris D a comedy show? And I was like, no, I'm performing one. And he says, oh, are you Chris D'Elia? And I'm like, yeah, you just exposed yourself, man. You know, like, why did you pretend like you didn't know? And the whole time he was just, I was like, where are you from, dude? And he was like, France, but also I'm from, you know, france but also i'm from you know what is a friend he's like this is a french you know but that's not how he sounds

he said he's like but i sound weird because i'm from london too and america and i'm like all right so anyway i like fucking fell in love with this dude because he's like so funny and he looks so he looks cool he looks fine you know he looks just like a regular guy but then he's like i came here for acting and like now that i'm done with class i'll get a job like it's just like so basic and i'm like yeah that's awesome to see somebody that's so optimistic and so french about it and i was like what's your name and he says leo oh wait i should probably shouldn't say his name. But his first name is Leo. His last name is French. I can't even believe it. But anyway, I was like, give me your number, dude.

You got to come out. He's like, really? I was like, yeah. So these are the texts so far, okay? I got to do the timestamp too. The next day I text him, Leo, my man, it's Chris D'Elia. He writes, yo, what's up, my man? How's going? I write, good. You got to come hang this week. And this is what he writes back. It's a do,

my man. Yes, can do. And then he writes a minute later, it can be done, ha, ye, Y-E with a fucking accent over the E. It can be done, ha, ye. And then 20 minutes later, I didn't respond, but 20 minutes later, he writes, all right, check availability for it, ha. And I don't know if he's asking me to check availability for it or if he's saying he's going to check 20 minutes later. So I write Thursday, Friday, Saturday at the Comedy Store. And then he writes right after, Friday, broda, I'm there, okay?

Broda, I guess that's brother. And then at 1.30 a.m. that night, that was in the daytime. And then at 1.30 a.m. at night, he writes, C-L, just the letters together, C-L. And then I write a minute later because I was awake, what? Because that's what you write to that. And then he writes a minute later, saws, my bad, typo, I'll be at the show, yeah.

Saws, S-O-Z. And then eight minutes later, he writes, Friday as possible, yeah. And then I don't know what the fuck he's getting at, so I write, yup. And then two, and then I don't know what the fuck he's getting at, so I write, yup, and then, two, oh, no,

and then the next night, like I go to sleep and do my day, and then Tuesday at 7.27 p.m., which is the next day, he writes, okay, Chris, it was nice to see you jokester like what do you mean like the the time i met you like i haven't seen you since this fucking guy texted me cl the night before and then okay chris it was nice to see a jokester. And then four minutes later, he writes, and Bob Lee have to check him the F out, which means Bobby Lee. And then I don't write anything because I don't know what the fuck to write back.

And then six minutes later, no, but good dude Friday, I'm here. And this is on Tuesday. So I think he means there. So then I just write nice. And this is on Tuesday, so I think he means there. So then I just write, nice. And then a minute later he writes, yes, good thing there. Like this guy.

And then a fucking hour later this guy writes, it'll be good to go. Ha! With an exclamation point. And then the motherfucker doesn't show up Friday. I mean, he doesn't show up. And so today I text him, you didn't come. And then he writes, sorry, had an ID issue and so couldn't get drinks. So couldn't really go well. So Sazbra, ha. Hey, man. so couldn't get drinks so couldn't really go well so saws bruh ha hey man

who am i texting did it really even happen is this a fucking malfunctioning robot by the way this guy no doubt is my second best friend because all this shit happened i don't give a fuck this guy is amazing he is 100 i to get him and the Irish guy together. Sawsbro, huh? So insecure to write, huh, at the end of your text. Sawsbro, huh? Hey, man, having a good time over here, huh? Who's he, juvenile? Having a good time, huh? Sawsbro, huh? CL, huh? Okay, Chris, it was nice to meet you, jokester, huh? And Bob Lee, have to check him the F out, huh? CL, huh? Okay, Chris, it was nice to meet you, jokester, huh?

And Bob Lee, have to check him the F out, huh? No, but good dude Friday, I'm here, huh? Friday is possible, yeah, huh? It can be done, huh? Yeah, huh? Oh my God, dude. How's that for a fucking 1997 reference? Oh, man.

Oh, fuck. Leo, you know? Goddamn kid's name is Leo. Hey, man. You're the most French guy ever. Congratulations. I got to talk to you guys about something that i fucking love all right i only wear these fucking underwear okay it's it it and i'm not telling like a lot of times people do commercial you know i get to understand it i understand dude i understand i

don't first of all i think commercials are terrible I think that when you watch a commercial on TV, they're just all corny and dorky. Just say what you mean. So that's what I'm doing here, all right? I use these underwear, okay? And they're MeUndies. You got to try these underwear, okay? And they're the best underwear I've ever put between my knees and my waist. All right?

You guys got to do this, and you got to elevate your underwear game to the next level with me undies. With me. Do it with me. Okay? I've done it already. Get on board. You did your wardrobe. You do it.

You do it right, right? You put on the pants. You get the pants. You get the awesome shirts. You put on a hat if you're a you know piece of shit but you don't really think about your underwear you got holes in them i know you do you're probably sitting there listening you got holes in your underwear right now you get store-bought underwear you get them in five packs some people go to costco and they get 95. This is going to change your life for the better though. And I mean that. These are MeUndies. Dude, it's the first thing you put on. It's the last thing you take off. It's your underwear. It's good. Okay. I'm telling you

as Chris D'Elia, it's good. They're soft. They're soft as shit, dude. You put it on, it feels like butter's all over your body and they deliver it to you. dude you put it on it feels like butter's all over your body and they deliver it to you they're designed in la you know and it's a it's a they make from the from this place called micro modal and it it's uh it's softer than cotton it's actually amazing it really is amazing they got all sorts of patterns and uh i got all the different patterns and you can you know you can do it yourself you can get your patterns and and uh and uh and do it like that and and they're and they're cool they're not just dorky blue or dorky white or whatever and if you do a subscription you can set it up monthly and they'll just deliver it to your door and uh right now they're offering you a 20% off your first pair

and they can just use, you can just like get on the online, do it right now if you're at your desk. Your URL is meundies.com slash congrats and that'll get you 20% off your first pair. 20% off meundies.com slash congrats. So that's it, man. You don't want to be wearing like a cool jacket and a cool shirt and a cool jeans and nice Jordans and a good hat. And then you got on some

underwear that's holy. What happens if you're, you're with somebody that you're into and then they, they pull down your pants and you got holes and shit stains in your underwear, dude, me on these.com slash congrats, get 20% off your first pair and go revamp your underwear drawer. Make the drawer look nice, dude. I got all the underwears, the different colors in the drawer. Meundies.com slash congrats. Meundies.com slash congrats. Even though I just sounded Jamaican when I did it like that.

Meundies.com. So that's what's up. Do that. Do it with me, man. Catch me on stage rocking them, man. You could see me while I lift my shirt up a little bit, and you see the little pink one I got on? I got pink underwear.

It's cool, man. They got all sorts. But yeah, anyway. God, the guy's so French. I got to hang out with... That's what I want to do, dude. I want to have a guy for all of... I want to do, dude. I want to have a guy for all of the, I want to have like the McDonald's commercial

of friends. I want a black guy, Asian guy, white guy, guy from Ireland. And then I want like to just sit in a McDonald's and eat McDonald's and have the world explode. It's amazing, dude. I just, I have an Italian friend too. I haven't seen him in a long time. He's really long. He looks like olive oil with a dick. And he's just like, I have an Italian friend too. I haven't seen him in a long time. He's really long. He looks like olive oil with a dick.

And he's just like, I don't know, man, I'm just real fortunate, man. I get to hang out with all weirdos. It's just so awesome. And he looks like me,

the Irish guy. People are always like, ah, he's, I put him on my Instagram, I think, or something. Got my caveman coffee. What was I talking about, about the fucking... What else did the French guy do?

We had him do scenes at the comedy store, like me and my buddy Andrew Santino, who's really funny and a comedian. We had him do a cop scene to test his acting chops. I put it on my Snapchat, bro. We were howling. I laugh all the time. I only want to laugh.

I only want to laugh. I talk about in my new special how I don't want to go to your birthday party. It's just not fun. I only want to laugh. I want to laugh with my friends dude joe rogan said something and he fucking it stuck with me i think about it all the time we were talking and he says he's like my life's a masterpiece you know and he's married and he's like but my wife knows my wife's a mask my life's a masterpiece and she's like it's awesome that he gets to like live that this masterpiece life you got to be careful though man people try to take that shit from you they try to fucking suck it from you and they don't know they don't even know they're doing it man you hang out with these

fucking people they try to fuck up your masterpiece dude they. They try to put paint, different paint. They're like, yeah, no, it's a masterpiece. It's a masterpiece, but look what happens if you paint the house a little different. And then you fucking are like, you know, you're just a human. So you're like, all right, well, let's see what the house looks like a little different. When you know what the fucking house looks like, you love what the house looks like. And some fucking asshole is going to come along, whether it's your friend or your accountant or your manager or your wife or your fucking girlfriend. And they try to fuck it up, man. They try to fuck it up because they think they know what's best. You got to find people in your life that let you fucking live your masterpiece, dude.

Shout out to Joe Rogan for telling me that, man. He said, my life's a masterpiece. His life. And I was like fuck man that resonated with me um yeah it fucking helped me dude people want to suck that shit out of you man it's fucking do this do that though this would be good for you. And you think about it. Yeah, I'll try kombucha. You don't want that fucking bullshit. Fucking, fuck you. How about when someone's like, you should read more.

Fuck you. Fuck you. I'll read whatever I want. Don't tell me what to read. You know? Or no, I don't mean that you can suggest a book, but don't tell me to read more. Cause you think it'd be good for me. I'm happy, dude. You're the one that's got the problem. Cause you're telling me what you think I should do. No, dude, don't fuck up my goddamn, get your acrylics and get the fuck out of here. I do watercolor. This is my masterpiece. I figured it out, dude. Yeah, it's selfish. Yeah,

it is selfish, but that's not even bad. I know people are listening now and they're like, oh, it's sad. He's alone. Fine. Not really, dude. I laugh all day long. Isn't that the key? Ain't that the key, man? Ain't that the fucking key? Isn't that what we're all trying to do?

Even if you got some rude boys around you or some side tings. Drake came out with an album, and I feel like he heard me talk about fucking his shit on my last podcast, even though I know he didn't, and then was like, okay, side ting overload. Ting overload. Unbelievable. Drake's just Jamaican now. That's it.

That's how it goes. I'm going to look at some hashtags here because we're rounding up on 50 minutes here. Let me get up in this. I used to have a buddy that would say, you having fun up in this piece? Dude, I feel like that was the beginning of me just being like, all right, well, I'm going to start to hate lots of shit now. You having fun up in this piece?

What? Don't just use different words for words. It's fucking, we tried so hard to make language. It's not a piece. It's a room. It's a bar. I'm going to hit the hashtag here. I'm going to go to the hashtags.

How about this last one? What's with the long silences on the podcast that make me feel like I paused it. So I checked, then I get mad. Congratulations pod. Hey, jokes on you.

Jokes on you. Kawaii potato. Change it. That's her fucking name. Kawaii potato. That's, that's cool, but change it.

Wonder what your name is going to be next week. Cause it's not going to be Kawaii Potato, because that's bad. How about some of these questions? Ian Habit. Fine, that's not a bad name. Chris, the guy just moaned very loudly at a urinal next to me.

Ever experienced weird bathroom shit like this? Congratulations, pod. Like, that's the question he wants to ask like this guy took a piss and then some guy in the stall just went oh and he was like oh i gotta ask chris about it on the podcast that's weird but i appreciate it you inhabit one time i was taking a piss and this guy oh no i was waiting to take a piss and this guy in front of me i guess i was standing too close to him and he turns around he says hey man how about you give me giving me some room and i was like i'm not that far away from you like really bro this guy's acting like i was trying to grind up on his fucking ass i feel like i wasn't in the wrong there. I don't know.

How about though the Donald Trump picture, his son? I don't know his son's name because I refuse to learn it. But the picture of him chilling on that stump. Dude, how about don't take a picture like that? Because everyone's going to hate you. I mean, even if you like tree stumps and like sitting, I mean, that guy literally is sitting like he just finally got to a toilet and is squirting out diarrhea, but also kind of being like, but I'm still chill though. And it's such a bad pose.

Was it set up? Was it like a photo shoot? You dickhead. Dude, what is going on with that photo shoot? It's the worst photo I've ever seen in my life. And this guy took it. It was like, yo, let me chill on this stump, grab a shot and you're the president's son already people are gonna hate you and you have the fucking audacity to take that picture google it i don't know donald trump jr that's his name whoa dude bro cool it cool it bro your name's donald trump jr and you got that pose going on in the middle of the woods on a tree stump and you're the president's son hate. Hate ya forever for that. That photo is a more, that's it.

You took that photo. You thought it was a good idea. And it's out there. I hate when I have, there's historical photos. I followed historical photos on Twitter. And it drives me nuts because they'll be like, rare photo of John Lennon. Hey, it's not rare because it's on the internet. John Lennon. Hey, it's not rare because it's on the internet. It's not a rare photo if it's on the internet because it's a link now.

Not hard to find. It's not in a shoebox somewhere in an attic in fucking Greensboro, North Carolina where I have a show coming up. See how I plugged it? But so annoying annoying rare photo of tupac nope dude donald trump jr dude come on how about george foreman named all his sons george didn't that happen oh god george you ever see that commercial the invent help commercial Oh, God. George. You ever see that commercial, the InventHelp commercial? Every hotel I go in, I turn on the TV. That's what's on immediately. My friends ask me, how do I get help with a new product?

They say, George, what do I do for my new product? I say, call my friends at In help he doesn't say invent help he says invent help i mean even the fucking invent help people were like oh god should we tell him no he's crazy all of his sons are named george um okay this guy wow this guy sends me one of all, looks like a guy that plays Dungeons and Dragons, so he does, in my head. His name is AplombBbomb. Okay, I mean, fine. Obviously change it, but whatever, not that offensive. Please answer questions asked during the week, not just the most recent ones. Too easy to game the system.

Bro, I mean, I don't care, you know? Okay. So let me scroll back further. Like, just ask on Monday then. Or, like, when was this tweeted? March 14th. What was March 14th? And this was tweeted on a Tuesday, which is the worst day to tweet it, because it comes out early Tuesday morning,

which means I obviously recorded before that. I found it, though, because my producer sent it to me. Please answer questions asked during the week, not just the most recent ones. Too easy to game the system. Bro, what is this, fucking the NFL? Hi, bye. Wow. bro what is this fucking the nfl hi bye wow a plum b-bomb came out with that shit a suggestion bro amazing everyone's asking me what the fucking drake's new album is like

come on here we go um uh what else we got yeah i get it people send me all the time uh fashion shit like and it's just so like people just my dMS are overloaded with fucking, um, people with like big jackets on and fucking dumb as shit hats. 9 million people sent me that, uh, ASAP Rocky fucking, we look like a traffic cone blown up. God damn.

Um, my favorite is when people come to the rescue, dude, you're going to shit on someone for... Bye. Yeah, but he's more success... Bye. Okay, but he came from... Bye.

Go bed. Here we go oh here we go would love to hear your opinion on Jordan Peele's Get Out already told it very good fucking 10 out of 10 so good god fucking did you see

go to my Instagram a few posts back but fucking Big Sean with his fucking Burger King outfit trying to look all dope and shit. God damn, it made me laugh. It made me laugh, dude. Can you talk about, here's one from Casey, hon, honigbaum, Casey, H zero zero five. Can you talk about catch me outside girl on your next podcast?

Please roast her. yeah, it's just sad. Kinda, you know, it's just sad because of the girl like was threatening her mom and people in the audience. And now she's got a fucking eight million,

eight billion fucking followers on instagram and made it you know i mean nothing's gonna happen it's not like she's gonna become a huge celebrity and it's all gonna fade away but it's just like so sad that quote stop making stupid people famous like you know just how about how about just, you know, no at young Jace. Oh,

another guy. I fucking already answered it, but this is a good one. How about your thoughts on the games? Yeah. The game. What's the game doing? Hey game, stop showing the outline of your dick on Instagram.

The fucking hashtags, too. Like, I can't say a lot of them because a lot of them have the N-word in it. Oh. Oh, some of them are so gross. First of all, here are some of them are so gross, first of all, here are some of them, time to break the internet again, Valentine's Day weekend special,

does he, what is this, does he take care of your kids, ew, this is a hashtag, does he slide under that pussy like a mechanic and tune it up with his tongue oh i mean this is an adult and then he's grabbing his dick i mean it's huge dude Huge, dude. Rap. Hey.

Rap. Take your hand off your dick. Rap. Or rap and put your hand on your dick. But stop taking a selfie in the bathroom with your dick half hard and grabbing it. I like this hashtag. It's for women. Yo, bro hashtag. It's for women. Yo, bro, I got news for you.

It's for whoever the fucking looks at it now. You only own 50% of your selfies if you post them online. 50% are for you and 50% are for the people that look. What else? Oh. what else, oh, eat, this is a hashtag, eat her pussy, like she made Jesus,

the last supper, ah, going to hell, going to hell, straight up, Jesus, that when he did a hashtag, and he had send,

Jesus goes like that, Jesus iPhone goes like this. No, no, no. Jesus has a fucking personalized ring. It goes like this. When he did the hashtag, it goes, we built this city. We built this city. And he checked it and it goes, oh, okay.

Hey, St. Peter, when the game dies, send him to hell immediately. Okay. St. Peter goes like this. Mm-hmm. Okay. Look at this one. Run her baths until the water is warm as a Miami morning in spring. Hey, dude, what the fuck?

You're grabbing your dick. What's happening here? Are you crazy? You're crazy. At what point do you just become crazy? After you stop saying shit? Like the first time you're like, you know, 2 Chainz is like, 2 Chainz. My name is 2 Chainz.

All right, that's wacky. But at what point is like, okay, now you're a crazy person. I'll do do one more. Somebody just sent me a picture also of Garth Brooks with his hat off, which is hilarious. Slick stuff. Raw stuff. Well, I like that. Yoko Ono tweeted, every end is a new beginning.

Okay, cool. Oh, yeah? Oh, really? Well, that's cool. Someone was saying Yoko Ono just paraphrased Semisonic's closing time. Alf Ruxpin.

Hey, look, congratulations, Alf Ruxpin. Alf Ruxpin, his name is Alf Ruxpin and his handle is Alf Ruxpin. Hey, look, congratulations, Alf Ruxpin. Alf Ruxpin, his name is Alf Ruxpin, and his handle is Alf Ruxpin. Good job, bud. I love this. Wilson McClain, thoughts on people saying,

not my president. Yeah, he fucking is. Yeah, he is. Because you didn't fucking, not enough of you voted. Yeah, he is. Because you didn't fucking, not enough of you voted. Yeah, he is. He your president. That fucking orange guy. That orange guy who's got the sun that poses like he's an American psycho.

He's your president. Gotta run everything through him now. Because you didn't vote. Oh yeah. He your president. Gotta run everything through him now. Cause he a damn vile. Oh yeah. Yeah. He's. He's a. He's the Syracuse mascot.

Cause he's orange. That guy. Hey you. Not my president. Hey, oh, cool sign. Nice shirt you got there. It's wrong, though. Oh, you made a cute sign with a wooden stick,

and it says, not my president? Oh, yo, that's cute. You can walk around as much as you want with it. Get your friends to vote. Simple as that, dude. If everyone in America voted, Hillary would have been the president. That's how it is. That's why fucking the Republicanos, they don't want you to vote.

They want you to suppress that vote oh we speaking real shit i don't like talking about fucking politics though i don't whatever i'm just gonna chill it sucks what whatever happens but you know i don't know all right All right, I'm going to wrap this up. I'm done. That's officially done when you start talking about fucking the president. Everyone, you were great. Thanks for listening. All you guys are awesome, dude.

Thanks so much. You know what really helps? If you rate and review this on iTunes. And don't not do it. Just do it. It helps. Tweet about it. Instagram about it.

Snapchat about it. Rate and review it. Subscribe. Subscribe. Really helps. Instagram about it. Snapchat about it. Rate and review it. Subscribe really helps. Thanks a lot. Follow me all on Instagram, Chris D'Elia. Twitter, Chris D'Elia. Snapchat, Chris D'Elia.

Adult friend finder, Chris D'Elia. Kidding, not on that. That's for like sex or something. I don't know. Not on Tinder. Not on Raya. Not on any of those dating apps. If you find me, it's a fake. Um, so yeah, that's, uh, find me. I'm always on. I'm always out. I'm on

the road. Oh, I'm on the road. Check my website for dates, chrisdalia.com and use the hashtag congratulations pod to ask me questions, and I will try to look all week for you. Alpha Bee Bomb or whatever the fuck their name is. Have fun playing Dungeons & Dragons. To all my rude boys and side tings, have a good one. And also, sayonara, my babies. Motherfucker. Motherfucker. Motherfucker.