Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 80. Prolonging The Brbr

Episode Date: August 6, 2018

It's the 80th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about 'brbr' and how long it should take to have sex. Also discussed: sex positions, Tom Cruise, stunts, poetry, auditioning, Las Vegas, Thunder Down Under, and ultimate frisbee. Plus, Chris answers a bunch questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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You know? That's the thing. And, uh... What's up, my babies? Episode 80. This is how we do it. We're doing 80 episodes, we did 80 episodes, god damn, I must have said some incriminating shit in these past 80 episodes, and it's hot as fuck, my babies, and we're going live on my app here, they're all tuned in, listening

to my, watching me speak on the microphone before anyone else it does okay uh so what's up my babies hi lacy chrissy rose chat living for we see you uh we see you all pierre luigi fernando wow that's fucking i didn't know I had many Italian babies. But it's 91 degrees in Los Angeles. And it's too hot. Now, here's the deal. Are there boa constrictors outside? No. Therefore, the degrees should be less.

But, yeah. I am in Los Angeles. I've been in Los Angeles for a bit. I've been chilling with my doggies. Not like DMX, like a real person. Chilling with my doggies. And I love my doggies and I love all doggies. And I see all doggies and I go like this.

And if you don't, you're a fucking psychopath. I thought about this. If you don't like dogs, if you don't like babies, you're a fucking psychopath. I thought about this. If you don't like dogs, if you don't like babies, you're a fucking psychopath. Speaking of psychopath, my buddy told me that he had sex with a girl and they had sex for an hour. And I want to talk about this because that is fucking way too long. This is how long you have sex for at the most 25 minutes. That's it. You go a minute over 25 minutes.

You're it's not good anymore. You know, she gets dry. You, your, your boner loosens up a little bit you know and and and it's just too long dude it's too long and that's fucking obvious and if you are a chick and you're like no i like to get fucked all night no you don't no you don't dude i love when dudes are like i could i'll fuck you all night my my dude one of my favorite things to think of is a dude that's just like, hey, man. Or like to the chick, he's just like, I'm going to fuck. Are you ready?

I'm going to fuck you all night. Oh, yeah. And they're naked and he's about to go inside and he's just like, oh, I can't wait to just fuck you all night. And then he slides inside and he just goes, god and then it's over that's my favorite thing to think about sex wise just like immediately like oh you get ready for a night of pleasure oh yeah oh you're looking good i am gonna take my time that's just so funny to me dude you know it's happened so many times these motherfucking mark ass bitches dude an hour some people have sex for it over that dude i've never done that if you're coming to me for a long sex like that you're gonna be disappointed man i

up front i open with my closer dude that's how we do it i fucking top load sex that's how we do it man we steady burber within 25 minutes dude if you're fucking pre-la If you're fucking prolonging the Berber, if you're prolonging the Berber, dude, and this is how this episode's gonna be, man. We came up with the title already, Prolonging the Berber. This is how it's gonna be.

If you're one of those people that tune in and think, oh, I can't wait to think of what the fucking episode title's gonna be, tune out now. We got it. It's Prolonging the Berber. But if you're fucking, if you're Prolonging the Berber because you think the girl likes to prolong the Berber or you're like, oh, yeah, I'm going to do it for my ego because I could fucking prolong my Berber forever. Dude, you're nothing. You're a beta, dude. You're not in charge.

I'll tell you that much. You're not in charge. You're not in charge. You're not in charge of a fucking tribe. there's no way you're in charge of a tribe if you fuck for 25 minutes or less you can be in charge of a tribe that's it because you got nothing to prove and i'm talking 15 minutes is probably the golden hour the golden amount of time to i think it's honestly 12 minutes i think the golden amount of time to – I think it's honestly 12 minutes. I think the golden amount of time to do the horizontal mambo is 11, 12 minutes.

And then you burp her right between that 11, 12-minute mark. Dude, if you're going longer than that, what are you doing? Also, what's up with these guys that say they can do it like three or four times in a night? You know how many times I can do it in a night? One. Then I go to bed. The next morning I wake up and I don't think about sex for another day. One.

You get one. You get one Berber. You get 12 minutes every two days. That's what you get. And if you're in a relationship, you're lucky to get fucking two burbers a week. The only time you're having sex for an hour is if you're in a relationship and you're trying so hard to be attracted to each other

because you can't burber. I fucking front load my burbers, man. That's it, man. I don't do... I'm not talking about foreplay foreplay is cool do foreplay as long as you want and and one time a therapist told me foreplay is everything you do up until sex not including just being not including just being in bed and i was like oh i was like that meme of the guy from the wire oh you know what i mean that's what i was like four players every four plays everything you do

up until sex not just in the bed oh i was the fucking meme from the guy from the wire that guy what's his name who knows it doesn't matter you know what i'm talking about because it's omnipresent but uh yeah that's, that's how, that's, you know, it just, you're not gonna, you're not proving anything.

You just fucking, some of these guys like, yeah, I've, I talked to my buddy though. And he's like, Hey, how many times do you have sex?

Like with a girl in a night? And I'm like one. And he's like, give me two, dude. I don't do it after that. I was like, yeah.

And every time I've ever been with a girl and they're like, when I go again, I'm like, listen, I'll be fucking straight with you, man. We fucking, I top load my burbers and I'm out. Now let's watch infomercials or better yet, I have to get up early. So what's going on here?

What are we doing? Oh man, so funny. Oh fuck, I got a meeting tomorrow. How many guys have done that? Oh fuck, man. I got a meeting tomorrow how many guys have done that oh fuck man i got a meeting tomorrow i don't know really it's sunday no it's a church meeting i i gotta go to a church meeting oh well i gotta get up early too and then you're like oh shit wait how okay all right um shit well how early does she probably have to get up i and then you're just like well i gotta get up at 4 15 oh really for a meeting no because it's actually in uh bakersfield i have a church meeting

in bakersfield and i gotta get there by 6 30 a.m but i'd like to i'd like to check my surroundings before i get there in case of ninjas oh really you're a fucking weirdo yeah but i don't know um uh yeah so i don't know though that you know but but the guy did it for an hour dude we were roasting him in the group chat he's the kind of guy that's like i've you know like dude we did it for an hour and i immediately he was saying it like like check me out and i was like bro hold on a second i was like Like, you think that's, you're telling me like I'm supposed to be impressed? That sucks. When you eat a good meal, you do it for fucking 12 minutes.

If you got some fucking pork loin and you want to put it in your mouth, you put it in your mouth, you swallow it, you keep putting bites in your mouth till you're full you're done it's 12 minutes when you're eating you release the berber amount this around the same time you don't sit and eat pork loin or fucking chicken pot pie or meatloaf whatever the fuck you like you don't eat ice cream for an hour you glutton it's a sin dude this guy we laugh we were laughing dude an hour we were imagining like the girl just like oh my god get it over with like dude like we were like somebody on my app is just writes vagina hurts just thinking of having sex for an hour. Like, it's like, dude, no, who does, you know, who does that lunatics and deviants that are just like that they, they have like a fucking. It's a masochist thing.

There's no way fucking for an hour, dude? That's not cool, dude. That's not cool. Dude, we were roasting, and we were like, you fucking dork. Oh, it was so funny. Oh, oh, oh,

I forgot about this. He was like, dude, we did five, six different positions. Dude, you know how many positions you do when you do the horizontal mambo? Three. That's it. You do three positions. You go on top. She goes on top.

And you smash it from behind. You don't do any sort of fucking, you know. And by the way, that counts as if you're lazy as fuck but you still want to hit it from behind and you're both on the side. And you know what I mean? That still counts as dog. I don't give a shit what people call it. You're still mostly behind them. You're just you're the fucking lazy.

You're like the it's like the middle aged doggy style, you know, it's the politician doggy style is what you know what I mean? You know, I mean, like, you know, Republicans just lay on their side and do it like that. And they think it's the politician doggy style is what you know what I mean? You know what I mean? Like, you know, Republicans just lay on their side and do it like that. And they think it's real dirty. But like, but like you do three positions, man. The second anybody does some sort of like fucking. The second anyone does some sort of like wheelbarrow shit or like reverse, you know what's not cool?

Reverse cowgirl. Get out of here with that shit. Where are we both looking the same way? What are we watching fucking CNN? Dude, I need to see your eyes. Because even when you do doggy, you can be like turn around and look. And then her hair is in her face and you're like that's awesome it was just like tom cruise in the last samurai no but like i like how hot is it when a girl's fucking hair is in her it's weird right

oh fuck yeah when you when you're having sex with a girl and she's so lost that she's looking like tom cruise in the last samurai burr burr dude let's get to burber town burber town it's all right you just came to party oh dude burber town man when you're having sex with a girl and she's in front of you and you're behind and you're both facing the same way and you say, hey, look back at me. And she fucking looks back and she's got her hair in front of her face like fucking Tom Cruise from The Last Samurai. Berber City. That's it. That's it.

Berber City, man. This is real fucking man shit, dude. But he said we did five or six different positions let's think of positions okay i don't even know if i can get to six like he's got pictures of tom cruise in the last summer that's a good one though right there dude you want a girl looking like that he's a guy but without the beard and man face so so look, you get on top. And by the way, I don't know what missionary fucking whatever. That's the only thing I know what it's called in doggy style.

I don't know what the Herbian on top is called. But those are the three. Then there's cowgirl, right? I can reverse cowgirl, which is disrespectful. And it's a sexist. But guess what? We're talking about sex so it's okay and then there's like

I know one move which is the wheelbarrow which I've obviously never done but then there's the warrior position which is hilarious I mean look at these positions this one's called the Capricorn he's up against the wall his feet are up against the wall and she's just looks like she's taking a shit on him I don't like any position where you gotta like bend your dick a different a different way you

know like just have the just normal way your boners shoot up let's keep them up you don't need a fucking half mass or facing facing worms you know what one sucks? When like your legs in between each other's legs. They call it the fusion. And you're like, what is going on there? Like just, if you want it to feel some sort of, if you want it to feel, we're on sexpositions.club. You know? But if you want to feel some sort of different shit,

just get a cock ring or something, you know, those are supposed to feel good. Dude. I mean, and I don't want to, I don't want to tell you too much about my friend, obviously,

but like, don't brag about how many positions you did with a girl. Unless you're, oh man, that one, one fire just brought up one called hot lunch. Eh, with a girl unless you're... Oh, man. That one... One Fire just brought up one called Hot Lunch. Eh.

She's so gross, dude. He's just dining on her vagina. It looks like he needs a fork and knife. It looks like he'd have a fucking napkin in his... You need to wear a shirt so you can tuck a napkin in it. That's what the hot lunch is.

You should just call it the public school. Oh. Oh, one fire no. She's like, that's actually not... It's actually just makes me laugh because it's not what it is. Oh, the act of shitting? Oh, God. Oh, okay. Well, one fire's like, it's actually when you shit on someone's chest,

I thought. Anyway, whatever. It's gross. Hey, don't involve oh okay well my father's like it's actually when you shut on someone's chest i thought anyway whatever it's gross hey don't involve shit it's german but uh yeah dude if you're fucking 11 and you have your first sexual thing and you'd be like yeah i did fucking six different positions it's hilarious but like what are the positions like if you're 50 or however old you are and you're doing all these positions, what are they? You're doing the three. You're doing the main three that people do. Okay?

What else are you doing? Like, if you're 50, don't do reverse cowgirl. What are you doing? Also, if you're counting different, like the warrior position is pretty normal, right? I suppose I've done that. But don't think of it as another position. It's just so weird. People are weird when it comes to sex, man.

Top load your burbers and everyone's going to be happy. That's what we do with our comedy specials, man. and everyone's going to be happy. That's what we do with our comedy specials, man. You got to put the heat up front because people turn that shit off, man. In Incorrigible, I put my hot closer at the end. I think people turn that shit off, man, before they even got to it. And in Man on Fire, we top-loaded it, baby.

You know, you like to think, oh, it's all good, but, you know, it is. But I got into a little bit more storytelling by the end of it, you know, you like to think, oh, it's all good, but you know, and you know, it is, but I got into a little bit of more storytelling by the end of it, you know, oh my God, look at this one called reversed, reverse cowboy. You got to bend your dick so far back. It's in your own ass. Jesus. Um, anyway, yeah, that was insane to me. Wow. Was I laughing? That was insane to me. Wow, was I laughing. We were roasting. We were roasting.

We were roasting Once and Young. Remember that movie that came out? We Were Soldiers Once and Young with fucking Matthew McConaughey, I think, and Mel Gibson. It was like, yeah, just fucking name it something different. These long-ass movie titles. We Were Soldiers Once and Young. Sikak, to name it that. We Were Soldiers dot, dot, dot, Once and Young. Justikak to name it that. We were soldiers dot dot dot once and young. Just we were soldiers.

And I know it's a book, but I don't give a fuck. Also, if you wrote a book, congratulations. That's real cool. If you wrote poetry, write a book. Stop being so lazy. All right. Let me tell you something. And I tweeted this the other day.

Let me tell you something, and I tweeted this the other day. If you want to know if a poem is terrible, just ask yourself one question. Is it a poem? Then yes, it's terrible. I don't give a fuck how symbolic it is. I don't care how much your poem is about trudging through the fucking snow and seeing broken branches, but it's really about your father dying. Don't care. Write a book. Tra la la.

Fucking hoopty do whoopty poop doop scoop. I don't give a fuck. And there are poets that I respect, too. There are I have people that I know that I respect that do poetry. And I would caution them to stop it's just like what are you doing write a book put more words on the page stanzas fuck off stanzas fuck off

I just don't I don't know okay so you wrote a poem cool now what I wrote a poem imagine you're a poet and you're working like that's hilarious like yeah I'm working with your wife you're just like yeah i gotta i'll

be done i'll be done god i got like i gotta put six hours into my poem okay you just don't want to hang out huh no no i do i just fuck i've been working on this poem it's about winter and uh it's secretly about my dad dying and you know how that really broke me up, right? So anyway, I'm on the second line. Okay. Yeah. So anyway, I'll be, give me six hours and then I'll be ready for dinner and I'll come down. Okay. And then at the dinner, so how's your poem going? Good, good. I'm on the fourth line. Just write it quick. It's fucking two stanzas. Write it quick. it's fucking two stanzas write it quick i don't you know and i know a lot of people agree with me and i know a lot of people secretly agree with me too and i know a lot of people will tell me to go fuck myself but seriously come on dude poetry was cool in the year 1100

and the year 1200 and maybe to the year 1500 and then when you got to 1600 people are like wait let's write books so dumb what i'm saying and then they wrote books and then it was on and then it was on dude we got some sweat dripping down the black diamond fucking ski course on my abdomens dude i posted a picture of me here's the deal man all right i'm getting more fit that's not that's no uh you know let's talk about the fucking elephant in the room dude i'm getting trapped out all right let's talk about the elephant in the room dude i'm looking a little bit too much like tarzan on creatine all right let's fucking talk about it okay i post a picture with my shirt off now am i supposed to not post

a picture with my shirt off because i'm looking like tarzan on creatine or shit i would post a picture of my shirt off when i wasn't fucking new jacked city but now because i've got fucking lumps the size of fucking moguls i gotta fucking keep the shirt on now go fuck yourself and here's the deal people are like you would roast you five years ago you're just plain wrong and you don't get my comedy that's fine but you're not a baby you don't get it dude i'm gonna do what i do i live my life the way i live my life i'm not gonna change it because of what the dude i post pictures of me with my shirt off all throughout my shit even when i was a little bit you know i was never actually tubby but like i had some fat shirts were off don't give a fuck don't care you don't

know me motherfucker these motherfucking comment and trolls think they know me they don't know me, motherfucker. These motherfucking comment and trolls think they know me. They don't know me, motherfucker. You would roast just, oh, this would be, no. Somebody said this would be most fucked up Instagram post of the week. No, it wouldn't because that has to do with the caption. And that's 100% obvious. And you are not invited to the log cabin, man. That's it.

man. That's it. You don't get it. And it's all good. You can't get it. That's why the log cabin is for the elite few. We have a fucking one, two,

three, four log cabins. I don't know. They're all around some tall grass. We don't have a city. You're not in, you're not invited. If you're a fucking dumb piece of shit. You can't come.

It's amazing, though, like I talked about the poetry online. It's amazing what people will be upset about now and get really upset about online. and get really upset about online. Like I posted a tweet the other day about when, like everyone's talking about Tom Cruise doing his own stunts and shit. I don't give a fuck, dude. I don't care. It's not impressive to me at all, dude. It's not impressive at all that he hung on the side of an airplane.

Do you know what it is? It's irresponsible get down it's also green screened out anyway people are like oh if you're going to a fucking movie because somebody did their own stunts you're a fucking you're a cuda. Turn around. Get out of here. Like, what do you... Like, who cares? And they're like, well, you can get better immersive shots. No, dude. Anytime a stunt is very grand, you want the wide shot anyway. Because you want to get the scope of him jumping off the building.

Get a guy. I don't even give a shit. Get a black guy for a tom cruise stunt i don't care put him in a different outfit i don't give a fuck he's not doing the it's so green screen anyway you think him riding on the motorcycle and then hitting the car and flying over the car was him it wasn't him doing it it was a fucking cgi shit you know why it wasn't him doing that because of death because he would be a dead tom cruise and and then and then people are like well but yeah those movies make so much more money people got mad at me on twitter people were like well those movies make so much more money because

the excitement around the stunts no no they don't they lose money because he breaks his fucking ankle and they have to shut down production They lose money because he breaks his fucking ankle and they have to shut down production for two months because he wanted to jump on the side of a building. And how about this, dude? That's another guy who's not working, a stunt guy. It drives me nuts when these actors are like, it's an ego thing, dude.

It's just an ego thing. It's a guy who's done too much that is now like, cool, I want to jump out of fucking building. Also, he's not really jumping out of a building. He's tied the fuck up. And bad guys aren't really chasing him. Nobody's actually trying to shoot him. He's not on a real impossible mission.

So it's not even real anyway. So get a black guy. I don't give a fuck. Get a guy who's way taller. Get a gangly Croatian. I don't care how much. Get a guy with fucking blonde hair. Get a blonde haired black guy, black French guy and dress him in a fucking orange spacesuit. I don't care. The movie's ridiculous anyway. What's his name? K-Ville fucking cocked his biceps for a fight. Heck.

That deserves fucking five hacks that I'm not even gonna do because i'm exhausted on the hat scale it's five hats like i i just don't get, he hung on a helicopter. Like... Oh, look at how sub-bitch it was for him trying to get that thing, too. No. What did he do? He's hanging on a helicopter?

He's strapped in, though, right? He's got to be strapped in. What a lunatic to do this. Dude, if I... I can't wait to do some of these fucking... stunts. And then be like, get that fucking stunt, man.

I don't know, man. I don't know, man. I don't know, man. Maybe I'm fucking completely wrong about this shit, you know? Maybe it does make more money that way. It shouldn't, though. That's the thing. I mean, I guess you get the actor's face on it. You get the actor's face.

You look at the actor's face when he's doing the stunt. He's really terrified. I don't know. But that's like the thing when it's like when when they do a movie about football and like they're like oh you got three football players really in the fucking in the movie and these are actually pretty good like just get actors dude you got people that work so hard they leave their family they. They live on ramen for fucking nine years. And that guy tries out for a fucking part on We Were Soldiers Once and Young. And then you are like, oh, it's between him and a guy who is a real soldier.

But fuck it. I want it to be authentic. I'm going to have a real soldier do it. Like, that's so fucked up, dude. That's so wrong, actually.'s so fucked up, dude. That's so wrong. Actually get, just get, get an actor, dude. It's not that important. Also, man, you're, you're not, you're making a movie, dude.

You know, just fucking get a guy. You know, many times that some, some actors have to audition for shit, like four, five, six, seven times, dude. One time I auditioned like four times and then they're like we want to see him i said no no no get someone else i don't give a fuck get someone else or pick me it doesn't matter i'm not you know if you want me it's it's fucking two scenes you know what i mean in some fucking comedy or or or or even you know just pick a guy for commercials they go oh we got to see these no you don't no you don't dude it's a fucking commercial for oh what do you know hefty just pick a guy off a fucking picture

with a nice trimmed kind of beard and just have him take the trash out. Don't call in 40 actors and see what it looks like when they pick up a sack. Just fucking hire a guy. Fuck these companies. And then not only are you there, you're on a fucking conference call with people in Sweden

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you and five dollars goes to times up legal defense fund download the free cash app for ios or android now so that's what's up man um i'm excited to go to i'm excited to go to kansas city i'm excited to go to wichita never thought i'd be saying that and i'm excited to go to l City. I'm excited to go to Wichita. Never thought I'd be saying that. And I'm excited to go to Lincoln, Nebraska. Went there once, had a good time. And I'm going again. Oh, wait. No, never been to Lincoln. I think I went to Omaha. Now that I think about it. Hey, I got a question. What the fuck does it matter? um so yeah nebraska's nebraska right uh so i'm going there next week or two in two weeks and then i got vegas and reno and your boy's gonna fucking slive it up the day after uh the day after um las vegas he performs there he's gonna fucking he's to stay in Las Vegas, and he's going to fucking be living it up.

I'm going to try and join the fucking Thunder Down Under and just get one of those bow ties, and that's it. Dude, it would be great to be one of those guys, to be like the least fit, kind of in shape one. I want to be that guy. You know, there's got to be. I wonder if that is for the guy. Because when you go to strip clubs, if you're a guy, they say that, I mean, I've heard people talk about this. I don't know how legit it is, but like the girls who work the most are the girls who look the most attainable. Because guys can feel like they can get them, you know?

Crazy. So I wonder if that's how it is for the guy. Like there's just like some fucking normal looking guy. Like there's fucking super good look. By the way, those guys, I was listening to a guy talk about how like if, you know, he was saying like guys like or girls like when guys are super fit. And somebody was saying, no, they don't.

I think I was listening. I think it was, I think Schaub and Rogan were talking about this. And Rogan was like, no, girls like when guys are super fit. And Schaub was like, no, they don't. And I think Sch think shop's right like they don't want a guy who looks like they're into themselves more than they're into the girl they're with you know um i guess some girls like that like i dated a girl once that was like no i like that look and i was like wow but then i thought something happened to you during childhood. Like some Arnold Schwarzenegger guy that was like, touched your butt when you were 11. But yeah, that's just like, girls like guys that look like they would be on like,

Banana Republic ad or something. Like not beefy. Or maybe a little bit, you know. But I always thought that that's like like gay guys like that but even like when they're super big and buff they don't like even gay guys are like i think they don't like that i mean sure some do i'm obviously speaking very generally but um i don't know man those days Those days are over, you know? Like, we've invented iPads and Priuses.

Like, we've got guys who cure diseases. Like, those guys are attractive now. Back in the fucking 1100s. God, I've said 11 a lot on this podcast. Back in the fucking 900s, you needed to get with the biggest guy. But also those guys didn't look like bodybuilders. They looked like fat, muscly fucks, guys with fat over their muscles because nobody was like on no-carb diets, you know? Nobody was like got to eat protein.

Like these fucking jokers. And every time i talk about this shit people are like jealous much no no i don't want to look like look like that guy whoever that guy is that one fire showing look at look go down okay here sure being jacked this is it on quora.com the reason a lot of bodybuilders started training in the first place was because they were lacking in some social area of their life and thought the gym would fix the problem. I'm no exception to this. Sure. And there's no problem with that. That's cool. You go into a place with a lot of other people. You meet people. You also look better. You feel more

confident about yourself. And that is attractive. And that's a good thing we're talking about working out i don't go back up to gain to gain the attraction of a woman and you have to gain the attraction of a woman you have to stir up some kind of emotion within her i mean who wrote this sure being jacked may make a girl feel more protected around you, which may lead to some hookups here and there. But being able to captivate a woman through conversation, body language, and overall swag will have far and then in bold more consistent results. Yeah, that's definitely true. Look at this. This guy. Who is this?

I'm an evidence-based fitness guy. Okay. this guy who is this i'm an evidence-based fitness guy yeah okay so i'm going to explain this concept using a well-researched muscle building tactic jesus christ jesus christ this gets better and better specific adaptations to imposed demands oh i don't even know okay well this is goofy yeah it's just uh like to protect someone in either way i just don't know look it's impressive man it's just so weird to me when some guy just wants to

like some guys like you see like, like they're like, whatever it is, lift it. If there's something around, I'll lift it. Like, but there's, but I always, in my head, there's a part of me that's always like, but there's forklifts. Like you don't need to anymore. Create an app. You don't need to anymore. Create an app. Work on, you know, I don't know.

It's just not useful anymore. And these guys, even at the top of their, like how many bodybuilders make a lot of money? Four? I mean, you got guys, especially now. Like you got that one guy, I fucking forget his name, who has the green Lamborghini. I think I talked about him on the podcast. That guy makes money. But, yeah, I don't know.

I was talking to Callan. I got a buddy who is big and strong and fit and good looking. And he came to the comedy store once and Callan's always, Brian Callan's always impressed by fucking people's size and fitness. And it's so annoying. And you know that if you're a fan of him at all. I mean, his whole standup is literally about his body. So he was like, hey, what's up with that guy? He's big, huh?

I was like, yeah. He's like, what does he do? And I was like, he just works out. And he was like, nothing, huh? I was like, yeah, what's up with that guy? He's big, huh? I was like, yeah. He's like, what does he do? And I was like, he just works out. And he was like, nothing, huh? I was like, yeah, he just works out. He's like, man, imagine that. Imagine being that big and just working out and just not doing anything with it. That sucks, huh?

And I was like, yeah, you're kind of right, huh? It's crazy. But if you're big, you're I mean what the fuck you know you were born that way so but these guys just want more and more mass swear to fuck my coffee's here yes didn't know it was here I've been feeling

good lately, man. For real. These hikes are fucking awesome, man. Get out there and hike, dude. It makes you feel good. And it doesn't make you feel good when you're doing it. Trust me. And even the, like sometimes we do six mile hikes

and it's just two hours or so. And maybe not that long, but the rest of the day you're just fucked you know but the next day and the next day you're just like i'm walking on sunshine oh dude it's hard man it's hard it's fucking hard and anybody who tells you it's not hard is bullshit you know they'll be like oh you did an easy one why don't you try to nah shut up dude i got my buddy i go with sometimes he did like what did he do um kilimanjaro like he said he went with his ex and it was a six hour wait no it was like a 16 i don't know it was fucking high all right it was

a lot. And they start at midnight because it's cold. And then by the time they get to the top, yeah, it's six hours. By the time they get to the top, they watch the sunrise. And he said he went with his ex. And he got up to the top of the mountain. And as the sun was coming up, they both looked at each other and started crying. And as much as I want to be like, you fucking pussy.

That's so dope actually. That's so real. That's one of those things that you laugh at, but then you do and you'd be like, wow, life is fucking amazing, you know? But that doesn't exclude you from getting roasted if you tell people that in the group chat. You got to take your fucking lickings, man. I don't, I don man. I don't...

I don't... I don't... Dude, I saw a guy on the hike. By the way, it's so... What does that say? The minimum number of days is five to get to the top of Kilimanjaro. Wow.

So it wasn't Kilimanjaro, obviously. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. wow so it wasn't kilimanjaro obviously um jesus christ jesus christ it was some other hike anyway anyway um i saw this guy with four dogs at least there might have been five i don't even know there were so many i was like i didn't count because i was so tired walking up the shit but yeah and he was like come on come on guys come on and the dogs were going and he was like come on and they would immediately they would go like 20 feet and then find the nearest shade and just plop down it was so fucking cute and i was like come on guys i'll try to get them out but they were just panting and then one dog wouldn't go anymore and he just picked it up and started walking with it with the fucking dog a big dog i'll post it on my instagram story go to

it um but it was funny man um and uh but these dogs were just like fuck this asshole i mean they like it because they're dogs but also they're like, fuck this asshole. I mean, they like it because they're dogs, but also they're like, dude, fuck this asshole for bringing us. Because you have to go if you're a dog. Dude, if you're a dog, you're a slave. Isn't that crazy? You're a slave to what the fuck your owner wants? God, that sucks. Dude, you know what I'm doing right now being so disrespectful?

I'm going to fucking order some food. I'm going to disrespect the shit out of you and order some food. You guys want some or no? No? You're listening to me ordering food. I'm making money doing this podcast right now ordering food. You got to be disrespectful to be fucking respectful, man. Everything's a full circle.

You know how it is babies getting a fucking grilled salmon that's what i'm getting dude keeping it lean dude you gotta you gotta keep it lean man my buddy was like um he's like 40 i'm 38 you know and he was like you know i'm looking to lose some weight how do i uh how do i do it and i was like you just fucking eat better dude and you work out that's it there's no secret there's no secret um yeah anyway i don't know uh Uh, but yeah, it's, uh, also people, I go on my, my friends, they want to do the hike and they're like, let's go early or later.

It's too hot at noon, dude. It's hot. No matter what go. And that's it. Uh, look at this asshole thing right here somebody just tweeted me what do you think about the m this macy at macy winfrey what do you think about this i imagine you're saying something along the lines of hey just shower yeah that's true it these shower curtains where you can put your ipads in and fucking phones and watch stuff.

Like, just take, you can't take a break from watching Flip This House, you know? Like, take a 20-minute shower. By the way, I work out sometimes with my Irish buddy. He showers for 20 seconds. Dude, there's no way he gets clean. I don't understand. Is this an Irish thing? We both enter the showers together.

I'm lathering up, and he turns it off and leaves. And I'm like, dude, he didn't use soap or what? He always seems pretty clean, though, and smells fine. It's real weird, man. Let's look at some other questions here. We got some questions? What the fuck? What is that?

It's a thing where you can eat your food and put your iPhone on it, propped up. I mean, that's just stupid. All these gadgets and shit, you know? Everything that's like, go to Sharper Image and that's it. What do you think of celebrities? No. Okay, well, this is a good question. Rachel J. Stanley, at Rachel J. Stanley. What do you think of celebrities who date their okay well this is a good question rachel j stanley

at rachel j stanley what do you think of celebrities who date their fans would you ever date a fan um i don't know no i don't i think that's probably a bad idea you know but i don't know i mean it would always it would be like you know i mean it's different like okay you know, I mean, it's different. Like, okay, take Kevin Hart, biggest comedian, right? I know he's married, but like if he was like, if he met a girl and she was like, yeah, I'm a big fan of yours, whatever. But she was like a normal chick and not like fanning out and had her own life and was like, listen, I love your shit. But like, you know, you're not going to get anything extra special or whatever the fuck if we date.

And sort of like, you know, I'm not treating you like you're above me. Then, yeah, then you can date that kind of a person. But not like a fucking screaming fan, you know. Oh, yeah. Well, I've probably talked about something like this. Charles Calvert, at Charles Calvert. Thoughts on people who say Ibiza when they mean Ibiza, especially when they would never say Mexico or Berlin in referred to foreign cities. Yeah, no, just always Americanize it. Don't be that fucking asshole that you want to sound. Don't want to sound cultured. You know, there's a few words maybe,

but like, that's like saying tostada instead of tostada. But somebody does a bit on that. I think it's Brian Regan, where it's like saying, oh yeah, I was talking about a newscaster talking about Nicaragua, and she'd say, there's a cold front in nicaragua it's like just yeah just say it the american way if you're in america wherever you are that's where you say it okay if you go to spain and you're going to talk about uh you know however they say um whatever the fuck i don can't think of a Spain, a Spanish country.

But you do it that way. When you go to Russia, you talk about it in the Russia way. Try to do it the way the people do it. Let's go. You know? Oh, here's a good one. log cabin is asking me this at congrats log cab hey crystalia how many kids ask you kids kids oh ask you to party when you do colleges have you ever gone to just get a laugh uh i mean it happens every time and no i would never go i'm fucking 38 i don't even like being in the room with them. I

feel creepy doing standup going to party. Are you kidding me? No, no fucking way. No fucking way. I can't even tell you how much no fucking way. I, I can't even express how much no fucking way somebody responded to that. If he hasn't, he should. Dude, that's just like a lawsuit waiting to happen. It's also not fun. People are just going to like talk to me about there's going to be the one guy that's like, dude, man, love your shit. Oh, yeah. Thanks. No, for real, though.

Oh, thanks. No, no, no. I really. Okay, cool. Thanks. And there's gonna be the one guy that's like, yo, bro, I don't even know who you were until yada yada and baba baba. Oh, thanks. No, no, no. I really. Okay, cool. Thanks. And there's going to be the one guy that's like, yo, bro, I didn't even know who you were until yada yada and blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, cool, man.

And there's going to be another guy that's like, hey, man, I just, why do you want, who wants to meet new people? You know, that's weird. Maybe if you're 20 in college, yes. But if you're 38 and you want to meet new people, what did you do to fuck up so bad? You know? God, imagine being like,

look, if you're recently divorced and you want to meet a new girl or a new guy or whatever, fine. But meeting new people like friends wise huh um this is caleb at eh underscore caleb how bitch is it when someone asks is this hoop regulation size that's not you're misunderstanding how the word bitch, how we use it. It's definitely cock.

How it's so cocked to be like, is this hoop regulation? It's weird that shit that grinds my gears. Like that would really, like if someone asked that and they were just, we were just in a backyard, I would unload on them. I'd be like, man, you're, dude, what do you fucking work what do you what do you what are you in mergers and acquisitions and you give a fuck about this regulation size who gives a shit no it's it's two inches off can you still dunk are your three-point shots still gonna be as accurate you fucking pot-bellied 42 year old that's so dumb you know people do that too one time i was playing ultimate frisbee and this guy i was like fucking around playing and just being silly and this guy was like it's

actually much more fun if you take it seriously and i was like i'm out done done with all sports you ruined you ruined everything. It's, it's called ultimate Frisbee. It's got Frisbee in it. And the word ultimate. Get out of here. It's actually,

I'll never, how crazy is it? Shit sticks with you that it happens. And then it sticks with you. And then you're, and then you're just, and then they're just, you always think of it. It's so funny.

That's so crazy that your life can change. Like, not crazy change, but it can be, there could be something that's all of a sudden part of the rest of your life in a split, in an instant. That's wild, man. And I'll never forget that. And that wild, man. Mm-hmm. And I'll never forget that. And that's who that guy is to me.

And he was from high school and we follow each other on Instagram, I think. And every now and then I see him and I think that's that fucking guy that told me how to take Ultimate Frisbee.

Yep. That's who you are. So be careful what you say. Be careful what you say. It could really affect somebody. Yeah. It could turn him into a crotchety old man.

Not that that's what I am. I'm just saying. I'm giving examples. I don't think I've ever sweat this much, man. I got on my Kohler clothing. They hooked me up with a bunch of shit. K-O-L-L-A-R. It's real nice.

It's real cool. They hooked fucking daddy up. All right. I guess we're pretty much going to be done here because I'm sweating my balls off. I need to get one of those fucking Dyson cool air things that don't make noises so we can have them here. Dyson, that guy. Hey, man. You jerk off out a window.

For sure. Today at Dyson, we try to make air better. We try to purify it. And we usually keep all of the windows closed. This way, the air can circulate and be very cool. And also, people can't tell you're masturbating outside of it

because of the glare in the daytime. And if you jerk off out a window, when it's nighttime, make sure the lights are off. Dyson. Pure air. If off out a window, when it's nighttime, make sure the lights are off. Dyson. Pure air. If that was a commercial, by the way, I'd buy a fucking trillion of them.

They make vacuums and air shit, you know? Those fucking circular fans. I don't know. All right, look. Square Cash. Check out the new Boost Rewards program. Get the Cash app. Enter rewards code congrats.

Get $5. Give $5 to Time's Up. Get it for iOS or Android now. There's new merch, Follow the Leader, t-shirts, and all the other stuff from the podcast. You know, you get your Cuda shirts.

You get the no Cudas. You get the fucking all the different shirts. You get the congrats. You get the no Kudas. You get the fucking all the different shirts. You get the congrats. You get the true baby. You get the baby shirt with the pacifier. And you can buy tickets to my tour. Follow the leader. Buy tickets to my tour. Follow the leader. ChrisDelia.com

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Video episodes go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays. And I hope you're watching the show alone together that I'm on, which is really fun and I'm podcast before anybody. Video episodes go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays. And I hope you're watching the show alone together that I'm on, which is really fun, and I'm proud of it. I'm on, like, four of those episodes this season, and you can stream them all on, I think, Hulu and Amazon. Anyway, you guys, thanks a lot. And remember, top load your Ferber. Thank you.