Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 81. I'm Me

Episode Date: August 13, 2018

It's the 81st episode! On today's show, Chris talks about being yourself. Also discussed: dogs throwing up, Family Guy, period piece movies, symphony hair vs. hockey player hair, tribal mentality, and growing up. Plus, Chris answers a bunch questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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It's episode 81. It's episode 81. We did it, folks. And you know what I do now? I do this thing that the bros do. I do this. Sometimes I do a few. You know what I mean? And I have the fire tattoo.

So I'll go and then I'll go and it pisses my friends off so much. But I don't give a fuck, dude. We're live on my app. We're live on my app. We're live on my app. And you can be live on my app and listen and watch the podcast first. It's okay if it happens.

The dog's throwing up. One Fire's dog is throwing the fuck up. Straight up came over and just throwing up. Why do dogs throw up so much hey dogs stop eating all of this shit around oh that sucks to throw up dude how violent is it to throw up wow he's really working on a big throw up there we go nice good boy uh ivan or uh one fire's dog just threw the oh wait no that's ivan get rid of. They all look the same, by the way. One Fire has dogs, and Ivan Getridov has a dog, and they're all the same.

They are all white, fucking, little, skinny-ass, scrawny motherfuckers. But, yeah, so we're good, man. We're good to go. Episode 81. And I'm live on the app here, so my app on the uh on on on where you can get apps and then we can we can watch the podcast earlier than anybody else um so yeah uh i've been in l.a for a while man i'm going on the road i'm going to wichita i'm going to kansas city and uh i'm going to lincoln nevada and that's what's up now i had a whole thing that i wanted

to talk about up front but the dog fucking threw up. Now, I completely forget about what it was. Dude, when dogs throw up. One time, my old dog, when I was a kid, his name was Cody. He died of cancer, dude. But he was cute. He was a golden retriever. And he ate a piece of broccoli.

There was like a person that was like helping out. I don't know what happened. We were such terrors that my mom and my dad got somebody to help out because my dad was always working, and her name was Rachel, and she gave the dog a broccoli, and the dog ate it. Cody ate it, and I was like, you shouldn't give the dog broccoli,. Cody ate it. And I was like, you shouldn't give the dog broccoli. And she's like, it's fine.

And then the dog just started going, and then threw up the broccoli. And it was like a bunch of throw up with a piece of broccoli on top of it. It was so weird. But yeah, so that's what happened. And then one time I called her fucking pizza face, and I always think about it, and I feel so fucking bad about it. Because she said when she moved to LA, she broke out. I was like fucking 12 years old, and I called her pizza face. And she was like, that really hurt my feelings, and it made me feel so fucking bad.

And I still feel bad about that. She's probably fucking 50 right now. And I still think about that i called her pizza face fuck man you know ill it takes a moment and then you regret something for the rest of your life you know and then when she left she told me that she didn't like how my brother matt treated her a lot because he was like a bad kid or whatever. Not a bad kid, but like whatever. And then Matt said, man, she said she never liked the way you treated her to me. And I was like, what the fuck she said that about you?

And then so now there's an ongoing fight constantly about how Rachel didn't like either of us. And I'm 38 years old. And now there's an ongoing fight about how rachel liked me better or rachel liked him better anyway dude the dog fucking threw up broccoli like throw up with a piece of broccoli on top of it like it was a a a fucking like it was on beat bobby flay like it was a sweet piece of broccoli on a on a on It's like, yeah, we got throw up and the broccoli, but the throw up is the vehicle for the broccoli. It really takes the flavor to another level. It accents the flavor.

I like Tabasco sauce, dude. That's what I like. All right? If you're going to fucking throw hot sauce at me, let me tell you the most me shit. All right. I like Tabasco sauce and that's the hot sauce I like. When somebody fucking throws Tapatio or Chalupa, get the fuck out of here, dude. When you're like, hey, do you have Tabasco sauce? And the restaurant comes by and they bring Chalupa. Dude, that's not what I asked for. Oh, dude, you brought a different. Oh, it's Cholula, not Chalupa. Chalupa is a fucking Mexican dish, right?

So I'm racist. Great. So I'm racist. Cholula. Dude, when they bring Cholula or Tapatio, even though you ask for fucking Tabasco and they bring Tapatio. Dude, that's bullshit. Tapatio. I don't want fucking tapatio because I asked for, I asked for, uh, uh, what do you call it?

The fucking Tabasco, dude. Drives me nuts. Uh, bring me a shoebox. Bring me a shoebox instead. Because that's not Tabasco either. I would have mad respect if they were like, oh, you want a Tabasco sauce? Okay, cool. And then they brought a shoebox and then put it down.

I said, what the fuck is this? And they said, sorry, you want a Tabasco sauce? And I said, oh, but what the fuck? And they said, this is sorry. You wanted, you wanted Tabasco sauce. And I say, oh, but what the fuck? And they say, well, yeah, but we don't have Tabasco sauce. So we brought the next thing closest to it. Oh, but that's not that. Yeah, I know. But a lot of restaurants bring Cholula and, and we don't like that they do that. So we brought a shoe box and because that's not that either. And we're on board with your Chris D'Elia. And then me and that person joined forces. And then we become the president and the vice president.

That's how the world works now, dude. Jesus, am I high? I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. Everybody tries to make something out of nothing. Dude, I was looking at Twitter at this Nicki Minaj thing. She dropped an album. By the way, I guess artists think it's fucking awesome to just drop an album with no promo like it's the new hot shit remember when beyonce did it she was like whoopsie

there's an album out today didn't tell anybody and she broke the internet quote unquote like fine all right so nikki minaj came out with an album and she came out with this fucking song where she's just like lightly jabbing and playing and joking about all the other rappers and everyone's like oh she fucking she called out these are the people she called out and they just list everybody it's not a diss song dude she's just fucking around and everyone's like oh nikki minaj dissed everybody no she's not what is she a lunatic what is she a fucking... I don't... The Twitter moments are just like... It's just like... It's like Aziz Ansari bought a sandwich

in Greenwich Village. And then you look at it and it's like Aziz Ansari fucking tweets, bought a sandwich, and then somebody else is like, has a picture of Aziz Ansari buying a sandwich. Twitter moments. More shit's happening dude i was watching family guy the other night it's so funny it's it's actually family guy's funniest show on tv i i i thought it was maybe Alone Together. That show is so fucking funny. But dude, Family Guy is so funny, man.

The jokes that they have, it's like, dang it, dang it, dang it, dang it, dang it. They never stop joking, dude. What are you doing? It's fine. What? You hear what? An echo? Oh, God.

Such a fucking... This chair is making noise like a fucking... An X-Men. Sonar. One fire is like, this chair is making noise. I can tell this chair is making noise. Worst X-Men ever. Dropped out of fucking Professor Xavier's's school just like professor xavier is like we don't really have

much use for you you just can hear chairs he's like i can hear yours it moves Yeah, who cares, man? Nobody's going to be able to tell at home that the chair's echoey. So what was I talking about? Fucking what was I talking about before you start moving chairs around, dude? One Fire, the dog threw up. You're moving the chair, dude. I'm trying to get on shit, and I keep having to switch shit because he's just moving chairs around like a fucking lunatic

family guy dude god I watch this episode fucking it's so funny when Peter Griffin is the funniest character on TV and in history dude his stupid laugh and his fucking I can't dude I have the worst memory of all time.

I have the worst memory of all time. I forget what I'm talking about when I'm talking about it. We're going to get on this fucking podcast, though, dude. We're going to get on this podcast. though dude um we're gonna get on this podcast and it's on i have fucking 40 dogs at my house right now it's just a little distracting but i still want to be here for you babies and it's on dude but i had um anyway i did so many shows i did a benefit whatever dude i don't give a fuck man dude you guys are with me to the end let's fucking ride you know what i was thinking about, actually? You know who would win for, to win, who would win presidency?

Who would win the fucking presidency if he ran is Joe Rogan. If he ran for president, he would win. He would win hands down. There's no way he wouldn't win. He is the exact kind of guy that would win right now. You know why? You know what we need for a presidency? You know who, you know who would win?

Anybody who could knock Trump out. That's who would win. A man, you know, we need a man, you know, and look, I'll tell you, like, I'm all for a female president, but I feel like the country right now is so sour on that shit that, you know, with what happened with, I think we need to fucking put all our cards to stack the deck and just pick a fucking white guy. You know what I mean? And just get that guy in and fucking a guy who can knock Trump out physically, you know? And he would, and a good debater.

Dude, Rogan would kill it. Rogan would be, first of all, he argues, he's a great arguer. He's a great debater dude rogan would kill it rogan would be first of all he argues he's a great arguer he's a great debater he's an alpha he could knock trump out you don't know what side he's on you don't know if he's a democrat or republican which is great i guess he'd have to pick maybe he could run as an independent i don't know but like uh he also is also could humiliate trump with funny with with being a comedian dude i'm telling you rogan if he ran for presidency he would win and i think he would win by a landslide too i'm gonna fucking ask him about it i'm gonna text him about it that's what i'm gonna do i'm gonna fucking ask him to run for presidency

imagine that rogan and and then jo Diaz as vice president, you know? Cocksucker. Yeah, man. I think that that would be the shit. I was reading this story the other day about this guy. I forget what story it was, but he was, he was, he was, he did something against the law and then he turned himself in because he felt bad. Dude, here's the thing, man. If you do something that's bad and then you feel too guilty, you got to eat that shit.

That becomes cancer in you and you die, period. You don't get to fucking feel guilty and absolve yourself by admitting it. If you kill someone and they die and they don't know who it is, you don't turn yourself in because you fucking make that become cancer in you and you die a slow death that's what happens man you were selfish enough to kill somebody you don't get to be not selfish enough to tell somebody and admit it and feel better about yourself because you absolved yourself and you started the the road to you know whatever the fuck remember that movie road to perdition or whatever the fuck dude here's you know what movie i never want to go see any movie that where there's too much brown in it here are the things i never want

to see too much brown and gray in a movie whether it's hats and fucking suits and and forest or logs you know oh that was a tom hanks movie what's the like you know, Viggo Mortensen is always in these movies where there's like, there's too much brown. There's maybe a horse in it. There's too many beards. I don't like movies where there's too many guys with beards in it. Too much brown. If there's a fucking like any kind of guy.

If there's a guy who's like a hobbit or a fucking tall giant. I don't, I want everyone to be regular don't i want everyone to be regular sized i want everyone to be regular sized i want there to be colors in the movie i don't want it to be too much brown i don't want there to be too many beards i don't want there to be a guy with a staff you know what i mean i don't want any of those fucking things i don't want old time cars old timey cars period pieces dude chicks love period pieces. You know what movies are girls' favorite movies? Any movie that has to do with not today.

I swear to God, if you make a movie in 1920, chicks will flock to it. All you need is a girl that does this kind of shit. And you're going to have to see the video podcast for this. But a girl that talks like this, any kind of girl that talks like this, it's like, ha, yes, but that's what he said. Any kind of girl that acts like that in any movie, girls will flock to that. And if they fucking are in a relationship, if that movie, if that girl in that movie is in a relationship where the guy's controlling, forget it, dude. Forget it. controlling forget it dude forget it and then they meet another like classy type type guy that like steals her away from that guy forget it fat fat dude i'm telling you girls love movies that

take place in the 1930s or 1920s or 1910s or earlier than that anytime earlier than that or 40s 50s 60s 70s even and now 80s and 90s even dude because they love to fucking remember the time they love to remember the time nothing girls like doing more than remember the time dude oh remember when and dudes love movies about the future or now but dude if you get a dude that's like i love road to perdition that dude is a straight up bitch any guy now road to perdition is a bad example you know what's a good example any movie where a girl like girl with the pearl earring if a guy liked that movie i don't give a fuck how good that movie is so much brown in that movie what's up why did how come color only came into the fucking i feel i mean i know i feel like color really took off

in like the fucking 60s what was that why did an email thing go off fucking just my no reason my house is going um yeah dude it's fine man um oh it's my computer i love i i don't i don't ever want to go see a period piece but i want to be in one for sure no doubt that would be so gangster if I was in a girl with a pearl earring, imagine that dude, Scarlett Johansson or whatever I think is in it, and she walks in, and she's like, where's, you know, chilling with her pearl earring, and then I walk in, and I'm like, where's your pearl earring, with a fucking high-ass Beethoven collar,

oh man, I knew a guy that looked like Beethoven once, and it was fucking all I could think of. He had, like, bitch-ass fucking Beethoven hair, symphony hair. You ever see a guy with that fucking symphony hair that's just, like, it's, like, so big and, like, cut it, dude. I don't, you know what?

And you'd be like, you have symphony hair. I don't have symphony hair. I have fucking hockey player hair. You know what? And you'd be like, you have symphony hair. I don't have symphony hair. I have fucking hockey player hair. That's what I have. Symphony hair is that wiry, bitch-ass shit that's like poofy. It would look good with like a ruffled white collar. I don't have that fucking symphony hair, that bitch-ass symphony hair, dude. Imagine a guy just playing piano, just ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba.

And then it gets to where the curls are in front, because he's, he's killing the piano so hard, that the fucking hair, the poof gets undone, and then it, and then it starts falling over his eyes, I mean, dude, that poofy ass hair is just, God, like that fucking, who's the fucking, what was the movie they made about, with Michael Douglas and Matt Damon, where they played the Liberace, is that what that was? Yeah, that bitch ass hair. That's what we got to get. Behind the candelabra, whatever a fucking candelabra is i will watch any movie michael douglas is in that dude first of all let me tell you right now michael douglas in that movie there is and there is nobody, male or female, in that movie, behind the candelabra, Michael Douglas in that movie, there is nobody, male or female, old or young, that looks more like my fucking grandma than Michael Douglas in that movie.

Michael Douglas looks so much like my grandma Carmela in that fucking movie. It's unreal, dude. I can't. As a matter of fact, you ever like meet two people that look like each other and then when you're not with them,

you can't think of what one of them looks like because you keep thinking of the other one. Dude, I can't think of my grandma Carmela after I look at Michael Douglas in that movie for too long. I can't fucking look away and think of my grandma Carmelaella when i look after i look at michael douglas in that movie for too long i can't fucking look away and think of my grandma carmella now she passed away but i can't i mean dude i i swear to god if one scene of behind the candelabra was was filmed with instead of michael douglas if they used and if they only use some wide shots and not some close-ups if

they use my grandma carmella nobody would fucking know dude how funny would that be if one if in one scene there was just a grandma instead of fucking michael douglas why don't fucking shit why don't they do shit like that i dude everything takes itself so fucking seriously man oh why don they do shit? I want to make a movie where one scene just is somebody's grandma for no reason. I get fucking... I want to do a movie with Vin Diesel and then just bring a grandma in for one scene. I fucking... This is the shit

I think about all day. All day. I'll spend fucking 20 minutes thinking about how I could get a grandma in a Vin Diesel movie and have Vin Diesel not be in it all day bro wow dude I fucking love life man I woke up sad today though man dude my moods shift like unbelievably it's crazy i woke up sad and now i'm fucking now i'm now i'm popping now i'm on and popping it's better than coming i'm coming in today i'm coming in tonight um yeah dude

um yeah dude you know what i realized something about myself because i i just sometimes get lost in thought i realized something about myself and this is the truth dude i i am the i I don't like, like I saw a picture of fucking Drake playing basketball with Migos and their faces looked way too serious. And it's just like, Hey guys, don't be that serious and play basketball.

And I was thinking about how I don't like basketball and I don't like things like that. And I was thinking about like games and shit. And I was thinking about why. It bothers me. That people like basketball so much. Because it shouldn't. I should just.

They should just play basketball. And I should not give a fuck about it. Or I should be like. Oh good. They're having fun playing basketball. But it's got to be something within me that i don't like that i don't like about myself if i'm watching people play basketball and it annoys me that much now i'm not talking about the lakers the celtics the fucking thundercats or whatever the fuck these

bullshit names are okay i'm talking about guys in their 30s that just take it too seriously when they're not basketball players, all right? And if they hit a jumper and then feel good about it, you know? Also, Migos, you know, playing with the – Quavo, who is it? Playing with that long-ass hair and shit. Quavo, who is it? Playing with that long-ass hair and shit. I just... I was thinking about why it bothers me.

And it doesn't like... It's not like I'm like really grinded up about it. I'm just like, why are they... I don't like... I don't like anything for me that distracts me from being myself, right? Like I want to always be being me. Okay. This is why I love standup unless it's in a funny way. Like I do want to be in action movies. Fuck that. Give me a gun. I want to go like this. Hey, that's my fucking goal to be in action movies fuck that give me a gun i want to go like this hey hey that's my

fucking goal to be in a movie hey hey oh put it down put it down put it down put it down i want to say that so many times over and over again until the word like why didn't they fucking cut some of that out and then somebody goes like this because it's real it's like how it would really happen. Because that's funny to me. But like I don't want to be. Distracted from anything. That's me. Right. So like if somebody's going to be like. Hey have a basketball and play basketball.

Like I got to stop thinking about all the things. I think of during the day. And distract myself and play fucking basketball. No. I want to be the most me. can fucking possibly be at all times dude and you want to play frisbee fuck out of here i'm me dude it's like that lil wayne song i'm me that song is i know it's a highly rated song but even though it's so highly rated, it's still underrated. Motherfucker, I'm me.

That song was the shit. That's my song. I'm me. Like, I... Here it is. And there's going to be an ad first, so I'm angry. But yeah, I want to be the most me. Ain't nobody funnier than me, man.

And you already know that, pimpin'. Yeah. It's morning breakfast where dreams come true. Fuck up my dreams. Somebody gonna die tonight. And you already know that, Pippin. It's cash money breakfast where no wall is built. Fuckin' believable.

Lil Wayne's the president. Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him. Even if they celebrate. So good, dude. Lil Wayne is the shit. I love it. Lil Wayne is the shit. I love... Lil Wayne is the president, he said. Such a lie, you know?

But I'm me, dude. I don't want to do anything that... Now, granted, I'll go see movies or whatever the fuck, but I see movies so I can fucking think about them afterwards and I could come up with opinions about it. But I don't want to play a fucking game, dude. One time I was laughing with a friend. I was with three dudes.

I was with three people. Laughing, laughing, laughing. Well, I was with a dude and a chick. So laughing, laughing. Me and the dude and the chick laughing so hard. So fucking hard. And the girl goes like this. You want to play this game that me and my boyfriend play all chick laughing so hard so fucking hard and the girl goes like this you want to play this game that me and my boyfriend play all the time and

we were like what and we started playing the game the fun stopped we started playing this bullshit game i don't even remember the game but it was like some game where you had to guess some shit and we were like wait wait wait this is this was us the rest of the fucking okay wait oh and and then finally she was like i didn't mean to stop the fun we were crying our eyes out laughing and then you want to play a game dude we're figuring out how the fuck we are motherfucker on me how do you want to fucking play a guessing game bye turn around get out the plane we were on a plane hey here's a parachute you want to play a game on a plane here's a parachute you want to play a game on the ground let's take a flight up Oh, fuck.

I just... I want to be a politician so bad so they can expose shit about me and then I can be on a fucking... have a conference meeting and be like, here's what I have to say about that. Whoopsie. And they're like,

President D'Elia is losing his mind. And I'm like, no, I'm not, dude. Motherfucker, I'm me. And they're like, President D'Elia is losing his mind. And I'm like, no, I'm not, dude. Motherfucker, I'm me. You want to whoop President D'Elia? Nope, I'm me.

And that's my good, dude. Remember when he was like, met a female dragon? Dude, that's so... I remember... I thought about it for so long, like, about, like, oh, fuck. If he really did, that would be news, you know? Like, it would be in the news if he met... Imagine Lil Wayne actually meeting a female dragon. Like, oh, shit.

And you're a female? Real G's moving sandals like lasagna. Like, how does he even think of that shit and then they fuck it all up with Birdman going you know kids kids I don't know man okay let's do reads here.

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It's my fucking computer. I'll get an email. It reminds me of the bit I did on my fucking new special coming out. I wonder what I'm gonna call it. I don't know what I'm gonna call it yet on Netflix. They want me to fucking title it. Ah, man.

Loving it, loving it. Loving it, loving it. Loving it, loving it. But yeah, I would never turn myself into it if I did some crime. I don't know. Such a cute doggy. By the way, my dog, my Ivan Getridov's dog looks like Ivan Getridov. They have the same beard. Come here.

No? Okay, cool. Good boy. Dude, I used to have a dog named Hank, and Joe Coy would come over, and every time Joe Coy would come over, Hank would never go near new people. So Joe Coy would be like, come here, buddy, and he wouldn then he'd say good boy Joe's funny dude oh fuck I'm excited to get on the road I've been here for I did this fucking benefit last night this kid this kid died dude and they're trying to have a foundation for him or something so it's always so weird doing a comedy show about like something like you know it's like to raise the money it was great but god it's such a somber vibe

i try to say yes to a lot of those let me tell you something too uh you guys i've i really appreciate all the support that you guys give me i mean man the way you guys listen to the podcast and the way you guys support it and send me tweets and all that shit it means a lot sometimes you know a lot of times i like slamming people online if they say negative stuff about me you know i'll search my name even not just the tags and i'll slam them back because i have a great day doing it because you know because it's fun for me and you know how it goes right but um i just fucking i have uh i have a lot of love for you guys doing that and uh oh man my my aunt told me the funniest fucking story. Anyway, I just want to say thank you.

But my aunt told me the funniest fucking story about my cousin. We were watching it. Well, I was actually there. So we were watching a show once. And somebody said, my cousin was real young. But we were watching a show we were all kids and but i was old enough to know about sex and stuff and on the show it said somebody said the word boner dude you're gonna love this one fire and uh she was and and he he just goes mom

what's a boner and then she said, I'll tell you later. And he says, No, no, no, no. We say boner. What's a boner? Come on, tell me. He's like, I'll tell you later. He was like, No, come on, tell me what a boner is. And everyone was like fucking laughing.

He's like, I'll tell you later. And so she told him later. And he was like, Ma, what's a boner? And then she was like, OK, so it's when all the blood rushes to your penis, and your penis gets hard. She tried to explain this as best she could as a mom. And it was around the time where people started talking about boners and learned about boners, and you started to get the age where you were getting boners.

And then a few weeks later, he was. She said he walked through the kitchen and was like, well, mom, all the blood's rushing to my penis. Blood's rushing to my penis, mom. Oh, fuck. Dude, she told me this story. We were crying. i don't know how we didn't hear that story blood's rushing to my penis mom how funny is that dude just little kids all the blood's rushing to my penis god my cousin when he was younger he had a funny little voice like he sounded like this and he would go like this and he would go oh you make me so mad he would always say

oh you make me so mad like that was how we let his frustration out like we'd just be like oh you're making me so mad and dude we would laugh my brother and i we laugh we would spell matt m, M-A-Y-A-D. Oh man, I remember one time my brother was doing his homework in his room and I was in my room supposed to be doing my homework and I kept saying, oh, you're making me so mad. And my mom was trying to help my brother do his homework

and she got so mad at me. And now she was like, stop doing that. And I was like, but you're making me so mad and my brother was crying laughing and he wouldn't do his homework because he was laughing so hard i got so much trouble dude dude kids are fucking assholes oh i was such a dick one time i called my mom a bitch when i was a young, young kid. I barely – oh, my God. I like – I mean I got grounded. I got so grounded.

There's the only time I think – well, there's the only time I ever called her that. I mean, God, what an asshole kid. She was like – she was like, dude, she would... By the way, I was never late for school ever in my life. Never was I ever late for school. Never. Do you understand me? I was never late for school. Ever once.

I'm telling you. Every fucking morning, dude. Get up. You're going to be late. Every fucking morning. Chris, you up yet? You're going to be late. Come on.

I was never once late for school. Come on, Chris. You're going to be late. Come on. I was never once late for school. Come on, Chris. You're going to be late. Get up. Mom, I'm never late. Did you start the shower yet? No, I'm never late. I'll be fine.

It's too early. Come on. Always with that fucking tone come on like talking to a fucking dog trying to get through it come on you start the shower yet and sometimes i wouldn't answer hoping that she would think that i was in the shower do you start the shower yet i was never never late. One day, one day. I was so just thinking about how I was never late. And I thought that the fucking,

and I thought that the shower turning on would drown out my, I'm an idiot. I was so tired, but I turned on the shower and I didn't even call. I actually technically didn't even call her a bitch. I was saying bitch after the sentence. I said, I'm starting the shower. And then I said, bitch.

I stand by that. I did not call her a bitch. But, of course, it sounded like it. What a fucking. And I did it. And I said, I started the shower fucking bitch and then just my dad was like hey you're grounded and i was like yeah i i know i was never late for school even after that was never late for school. Even after that, I was never late for school. Dude, I never ditched class.

Until my senior year, one time I did. One or two times. I ditched after I got into college. At like... I ditched like home ec or some shit. Never ditched class. I was a cut up in class. I make fun of everybody.

But like never did I fucking ditch. I was a cut up in class. I make fun of everybody, but like never did I fucking ditch. My parents didn't cut me slack on that fucking shit. That's some fucking first world problem. I had some white privilege shit, right? It's weird being a fucking white guy.

You can't, you can't complain about anything, dude. I, I, I was actually thinking about like some guy. I was thinking about how somebody was like saying they didn't like my comedy because I was a fucking bro, which is actually prejudice because I'm so not a bro. If you know anything about me, like I'm so not a bro.

I'm not a frat guy. I mean, you guys all know this because you listen to me and you support me and I fucking love you for it. But like an idiot would see me and be like, oh, that's fucking bro. He's a bro. I'm not. They're just saying that they're being prejudiced because I'm a tall, fucking long haired, broad shouldered motherfucker. Right. Okay.

And and I get it. I get I look like the guy who would fucking hit your girl up i get that dude i get it and i was thinking about this guy on twitter was saying something and i was like dude he doesn't understand and uh and he doesn't know me and i was thinking about what if i fucking complained about that like what if I had a fucking documentary about like how like dude it's hard because people don't understand because like like it's funny because it's like an actual annoying thing in my life but like I can't complain about it because like I'm six two I'm a comedian I fucking I'm successful but like everybody has problems but it's fucked up if you're deemed somebody who

doesn't have problems you can't come out and say oh i have problems because you sound like a fucking bitch and i get it and i get it and i fucking you can't you just got to shut the fuck up i'm a white guy i can't come out and say i can't start talking about the things that frustrate me in my life because I sound like a fucking bitch. But that's actually a problem. It really is. All these marginalized people have the real problems, quote unquote. And that's true. That's true. I have practically no problems. I get it, dude. I get it. But I can't talk about, you know, the things that I do have because there are real problems in the world. And I understand that.

And there are – look, if I was going to fix problems in the world, I wouldn't fix my problems first. I'd fix fucking other people's problems first because there are big problems. There are big problems. But these marginalized people and these groups that form, they want to be inclusive, but it's making everybody the opposite. You know, like the second you say, we're a group. We want this. Then the other groups are going to form and say, yeah, but you can't have that because we want this, then the other groups are going to form and say, yeah, but you can't have that because we want this. It's an impossible fucking thing to figure out. I actually think it might be impossible being human and to give up that tribal mentality because, you know, we all want what we want but we don't want what we don't want dude

that's that's we don't want what we don't want more than we do when we want we want you know so that's how you get like you know fascists and antifa i think because it's like i mean i'm way too dumb to be talking about this but dude the and we talk about this a lot or i talk about this a lot but the liberals they're they become what they hate and i love how like people are like, like I bash fucking Republic. I don't bash Republicans. I just bash dummies. Right.

And I think a lot of Republicans are dummies. Just like a lot of Democrats are dummies. But the second I bash anybody who seems to be, or is Republican, people are like, Oh, Hollywood's getting to you. You're a liberal elite.

No, I'm dude. I'm not, I'm not dude. I'm not liberal. I'm not Republican. I'm not fucking a Democrat. I'm not, I'm not liberal i'm not republican i'm not fucking a democrat i'm not i'm not conservative i don't give a fuck dude it i i'm a comedian that's what i am dude so i'm not like i'm way too dumb to come up with something that's going to fix a

problem or whatever i complain in a funny way that That's what I do. But the second it gets to complaining about my life is when you say, oh shit, well, what does he know, man? He's a white guy. He doesn't get the real struggle. Whatever. He's a fuck. I have a good life. It's fine. I'm happy. Right? My idiot buddy is like, I don't care about, I don't care who's the president. It never affects me.

He's a fucking moron. No, you got to fucking, you gotta, you gotta care. All I know is that fucking Michael Douglas from behind the candelabra looks like my goddamn grandma. And that's fucking crazy. Sometimes I do feel guilty, though, about how I don't stand for shit. You know, like I try to I try to be a good person and help certain people, you know, if they ask friends and shit like that.

But like, I don't stand for shit. And that's weird. The only thing I stand for is. And that's weird. The only thing I stand for is like, say what you want in a funny way. And like, don't be offended. If you're offended,

then that's your problem. You know, but like I've lived my life. I've let my, see, that's the thing about being a white guy is you can let yourself live the easiest way possible, but you can't necessarily if you're not a white guy, right? You can make your life so easy, it's ridiculous. You can let your life be so easy, it's ridiculous, right? And then that can take over your life and it can become who you are. Like – and then – I don't know.

I guess because you're a white guy, you can – I mean I don't know. I don't know anything about this fucking privilege shit i wish i i wish i knew i wish i fucking i don't know do i though you know how people are like i always wish i played the piano i always wish i learned an instrument i wish i read more i wish i why you know it's like yeah i get it cool you know like like people like like i imagine like if i were ever on real time with bill maher i could never do i don't know what the fuck they're talking about i don't know what the fuck they're ever talking about and but i don't care i don't it's not that i don't care it's that i don't ever want to be in those those discussions like dude i was talking my family we talk about we

just lately have been talking about politics a lot and it just makes me sad man there's so much bullshit going on in the world it just makes me sad all i want to do is fucking laugh man all i want to do is laugh that's all i fucking ever wanted to do is laugh so i don't know maybe that's fucking privilege is that i get to do that i don't know shit is so funny though if you think about it if you find a way to make it fucking funny a way to make it fucking funny. You know? Let's do some questions.

Well, yeah, but also that's wrong. Okay, keep going. This guy. Imagine rushing home to sit on the couch to watch a golf tournament here's the other thing grizz every letter every word in his thing is capitalized who does that why would you do that it takes extra time yo imagine rushing home the The Y, the I, the R in rushing, the H in home, they're all capitalized. Why are you doing that? What? Jaden Smith does that.

Why do people do that? That's like if you were an alien and you were dressed up and you were coming to take over the world and you had a human suit. You'd do that because you didn't get it. Why do you do that? Why would you do that because you didn't get it. Why do you do that? Why would you do that? Hey, Chris D'Elia, what do you order when you get disrespectful on those babies? Oh, for eating?

I order usually bowls, you know? Nothing like a fucking bowl with some quinoa or brown rice or some chicken or some guacamole you know i get bowls dude or i'll get some fucking salmon from tender greens all right what's another one uh oh no dude poosie at two poosie chrysalia when somebody gets in your fucking way on the sidewalk or whatever do you bitchily turn sideways oh i get it or shoulder check them no dude it's not

i mean you can bitchily turn sideways but dude if you shoulder check somebody on the sidewalk which has happened to me before it's like you're a fucking ass one guy did that to me once in san francisco he had a full blue suit on he looked like he was one of the kings of comedy and dude it was so hard and i we weren't we were just on the sidewalk we could have moved i i i actually did try to move out of the way and he still shoulder checked me and i laughed and he didn't turn back around i looked around i was like what the fuck dude san francisco is hell on earth i've seen these are the things i've seen in san francisco

i saw a guy shit on the street i saw a guy piss in between two mailboxes i saw three people crying in their car i saw a guy slam a door once so hard at a checks cash checks place, a glass door, that it broke. I saw another guy walk in front of a bus and stop it. I saw guys getting arrested. And I actually, for real, saw two guys fucking in the ass on the street. On the street. On their knees. On their knees. In San Francisco.

It's hell on earth. I saw all that. You're telling me I didn't see all that. I saw it all. Oh, also once when I was on stage, a guy threw an envelope on stage and I opened it after the show and there were mushrooms inside oh it's hell on earth she said the the owner of the club was like thank god you didn't open it on stage because we would have had to call the cops and get the guy arrested how crazy would that have been yeah when i understand i understand that because like you can't just let that shit slide in your establishment

if you know it's going down and i was like hey what the fuck there's psilocybin mushrooms how crazy would have that been on stage um hey at chris leah on the jr on the joe rogan experience a few years back you talked about being all in on one thing at a time then moving on to the next thing yeah yeah how did you finally find the balance i don't dude my thing is stand up i do it all the time and then i have another thing too which is uh working out i'm very into but that's it that's all i do that's all i fucking do that's all i want to do besides that i think a ridiculous shit in my head and then i'll say it on stage so that's kind of stand up i don't want to fucking you know know, it's just, it's, it's hard.

I remember reading an article once about Jon Favreau and he was like, dude, it's hard for me to do two projects at once. I do one project at a time, but that's what he said at least. Um, yeah, I like to fucking do one thing at a time cause I'm all in.

I don't know. That's always how I, I think it's my OCD about that. I'm not one of those guys too. That's like, Oh my God, I have OCD. Like fucking people do that. Chicks do it a guys too that's like oh my god I have OCD like fucking people do that chicks do it a lot they're like yeah I have OCD oh my god I like I like putting I love keeping all my pens in my backpack and you're like yeah that's not OCD OCD is thinking

you're gonna fucking die in a train wreck if you don't stack the plates right. You know? One of these days I'll talk about that and open up about that a little bit more, but it's a comedy podcast. Gotta keep it light. I don't know. But that's it, man. I don't really have too much fucking other shit to talk about. I don't know.

I guess that's about it. Is this up? Are we ready to do these? We got new merch coming. It's tomorrow? Tomorrow, Wednesday, which means it'll be fucking Friday because one fire. This week we got new merch and it's really some special shit. You got to keep checking my website.

I will tweet it too. But it's some good shit, dude. I'm really excited about it. It's been a long time since I've been this excited about a new fucking shirt coming out. Dude, it's hot as fuck, man. It's been a long time since I've been this excited about a new fucking shirt coming out. Dude, it's hot as fuck, man. And you know when you wear this shit, motherfuckers know what the deal is.

I don't want to give too much away. But you'll see when we drop this shit. It's hot. It's hot. It's hot as shit. So download the Cash App for free at the App Store or Google play market, uh, enter rewards code. Congrats. Get $5.

Give $5 to times up. Uh, yep. New design coming this week. Uh, follow the leader by tickets on crystalia.com. Uh, for my tour, follow the leader, Wichita, Kansas, Kansas City, Lincoln, Reno, Las Vegas, Ottawa, Ontario, London, Ontario, Buffalo, Burlington, Vermont, Philadelphia, Washington, D.C., New York, Montclair, Portland, Snoqualmie, Vancouver, Miami, West Palm Beach, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Boston, Fresno, Bakersfield, Austin, San Antonio. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. The videos come out soon. Uh, uh,

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Uh, and that's about it. Guys are great. Uh, thank you very much. Thank you.