Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 89. Wooooooooh!

Episode Date: October 8, 2018

It's the 89th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about the Conor McGregor vs Khabib Nurmagomedov fight. Also discussed: Butt's Up, Mike Tyson, Russians, Melania Trump, vocal training, and a big pet peeve. Plus, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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the Cash App for free on the App Store or Google Play Market and do it now. what's up my babies how's it going your boys coming to florida miami jacksonville other fucking places west palm beach let's get those tickets you know uh go to chrisalia.com follow the leader tour that's where we're hitting next uh of course we are hitting other places but they are sold out um yeah miami west palm beach jacksonville are the other places, but they are sold out. Yeah. Miami, West Palm Beach, Jacksonville are the other ones, and Atlanta, Georgia. That's where I'm coming. I just added a show in Los Angeles, California, and San Francisco is pretty much sold out. There's one in Massachusetts, Fresno, Bakersfield, Austin, and San Antonio.

But yeah. So you know what, man? Did I bite my lip this week? Yeah. Is it still in a lot of fucking pain? Yeah. No, did I bite my lip or did I bite my tongue? I bit my tongue. And that's the worst. When you bite your tongue, your life's over. Your life is over until it heals.

And since we're not Wolverine, it takes too long to heal. They say that, people say, you know, the mouth is the quickest thing to heal. The mouth is the quickest part of your body that heals. No, it doesn't feel like it because you're talking with your mouth all the time. And when you talk with your mouth, it fucking makes it take longer when it heals. And that's annoying. Now, I bit my tongue and I sound like a fucking asshole.

Every time I bite my lip. By the way, I talk so fast and shit sometimes and I eat real fast. I bite my tongue all the time, all the time. And it takes about fucking six days to heal. And my Irish buddy said he'd rather burn his tongue than bite his tongue. And now that got me BRM. That got me blood red mad because here's the deal. Burning your tongue isn't that bad. It's not that bad. Biting your tongue is harrowing.ing biting your tongue is the worst fucking thing biting your tongue biting your lip it sucks it fucking sucks it sucks big ass donkey dicks it sucks big donkey balls um so uh but that's by the way i talk real quick i eat real quick

i talked about this once on the podcast i'm listening we're live on my app by the way if you want to hear if you want to see my podcast first uh before anyone else gets to see it you get on my app you download my app hit chris just type in chrystalia wherever apps are and you click on that and you download it uh and some of the babies are listening right now but i bite my lip i bite my tongue and because i eat because i talk fast i eat real fast but here's the deal man i eat real fucking fast and i remember when remember when i said i ate a lot of ice cream sandwiches that one episode a long time ago well i did it again i ate fucking six ice cream sandwiches now let me tell you something man when i know i talked about this

whole portion control shit bro if you fucking, if you eat like two or three cookies, I got nothing in common with you, man. People who eat a bag of chips, you're out. See ya. People who eat one of those fucking travel bags, you know what I'm talking about? That you bring to lunch with school, bring to school to have for lunch. I can't do it. Dude, I ordered a bunch of cookies because I thought it would be a good idea to just pick and choose which one I wanted.

I'll eat them all, dude. It always feels good in my mouth when I put those cookies in, no matter how full I am in my stomach. People think they eat a lot. You don't eat shit. It drives me nuts. Girls do it a lot because I feel like they're overcompensating. They want to be like, you know, I'm crazy. I'm so fucking insane. I eat so much. I'm like, always eating. Hello. I'm like, always eating.

No, dude, that ain't shit. You're a bird. Dude, I eat like a hippo. I'm a fucking termite, dude. I'll eat everything in sight, man. I eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat MCs. What's that fucking? Mike Tyson is on that one cannabis song. Is it the cannabis song? Yo, what's up?

We heard it. I eat, eat, eat, eat, eat MCs. Mike Tyson, when he when he said i eat his children oh okay i'm losing endorsements i'm losing endorsements hey hey hey what's up mike tyson we're sprite we'd love for you to i eat your children never mind dude i fucking I eat your cannabis your main objective out here is to do nothing but eat eat eat emcees for lunch breakfast hey man they've been

blaming me all my life man you know I won the title a couple times there right no but they can't hurt us man we gonna do it get up in this ring man put on these gloves let me show you how to handle yourself man hey man Mike Tyson you can't talk about eating mcs or eating people's children anyway but also you can't talk about that because you ate someone's ear okay so um So yeah, so no, I fucking, I just can eat it all. Fuck one plate, two plates, motherfucker.

Three plates. If it's Chinese food, three plates. Do I feel like shit a whole day after? Yeah. Do I wake up and do I go work out? And when I'm working out, I have to stop and then go take a number two in the middle of the workout? Yeah. Am I sweating all over the toilet?

Yeah. But am I going to do it again? Yes. I'm going to do it again? Yes. I'm going to do it again. That's what's up, dude. Eat, eat, eat. Eat, eat, eat. MC's breakfast. I eat lunch for breakfast, lunch,

and dinner. Nah, but I can't stop, dude. I don't know what it is, especially late at dude that late at night that comfy shit when you're just sitting in a hotel bed because it's what i do because i'm lonely but even if i'm at home gim gim now they got postmates gim postmates you get you know we die early because i can't stop eating i was talking my dad my dad was like yeah sometimes i like to just i you know i stop before before I want to keep going, but I stop. I'm like, dude, I don't understand.

I'm insatiable. Anyway, I want to fucking figure out this eating thing. Because I'm 38. I'm still a little bit of a young buck. You know what I'm talking about? I'm very young. But I can do it. But when you're 55, you can't do it dude i heard that robert dunya

jr was had to work out in between takes and iron man because he was trying to fucking keep fit you know i mean um i don't know dude i don't really know how it goes with the whole fucking also the sugar thing i gotta stop to stop eating sugar. Sugar is the fucking drug, man. Dude, why is Chinese food so good? That's what I want to know. When you fucking eat. Okay, so here's the deal. Italian food, number one, me.

I think the Italian food, number one. Number two, close second, Chinese food. Now, if Chinese food is good, that might usurp Italian food. Okay. food okay sushi's up there also if you don't like sushi i get it um and then there's good mexican which is fucking amazing i don't know dude ah um did you guys see the ufc fight how crazy was that, dude? By the way, what number is it? Which one is it? 229? No, no, no, this. How do I do the new thing on the... Oh, boy.

It didn't tell me. Oh, here we go. Okay. Added a new thing to the soundboard. Oh, my God, dude. Did you guys watch UFC 22c 229 did you watch that dude first of all i don't really watch those fights i watched them in the beginning when i did jujitsu for i did it for like five six years and when i was getting into it it was like 2001 i was watching ufc i was watching all the old vh tapes of the fucking... I think I had VHS tapes of it.

We still had to record a video VHS thing. And we were watching... What do you call it? We would watch all the guys when it was style versus style. You know what I mean? It was like karate guy versus fucking boxer, you know? It was like some real street fighter shit. That son of a bitch. I'm going fighter shit that son of a bitch i'm

going to kick that son of a bitch bison's ass so hard that the next bison wannabe is going to feel it now who's coming with me and who's going home that's uh jean-claude van den from street fighter street fighter the movie um but um yeah dude he it would be like Jiu-Jitsu guy versus Hawk, you know? It was like such different. It was like Muay Thai guy versus Kimoto dragon. And it would be a Muay Thai guy, and he'd be doing his Muay Thai shit, just like bouncing around. And then they'd let a Kimoto dragon in the ring,

and the Kimoto dragon would just bite him and then poison him no but my point is is that it was way different every style was way different they'd be like wrestler versus ninjutsu guy and uh yeah but that's what it was in the beginning and then the jujitsu guys kept winning and so that's why jujitsu blew up and then i stopped because i fucking my knee fucked up anyway uh i finally watched another fight this one this conor mcgregor is it khabib because everyone's saying hubby i don't know the k is in the front so either it's silent or not khabib nandiga not again khabib nandigaigan, whatever the fuck his name is, and Conor McGregor. Dude, first of all, it was crazy watching that guy, like, actually dominate Conor McGregor. That guy's so good at grappling, right?

And he won. And it was awesome, and it was an awesome moment. And then he fucked it all up by attacking. Did you see the memes where they made him an eagle because of how he was pouncing down? I mean, he literally looked like an eagle picking up a fish. But, yeah, that guy. It's so weird to hear him talk afterwards because like russians are so fucking different dude they're so different like i used to do a bit on this but like imagine a russian guy like

making love to a woman i can't that's probably racist and prejudiced of me but i can't imagine like a russian guy making sweet love to a woman he's just like what you take you take the guys and then like a an italian guy's like yeah but you you have to make sweet love you have to do this for the it's good for the woman and then the russian guy's like you take you turn them around you take you take them you turn her around she offers herself to you you take take. You grab. You take. You know? Italian guy like, yes, but it is a symbiotic thing. You take it.

It's a give and take relationship, you know? You give it. You get it. You give her pleasure. She like. And then it makes you happy. And the Russian guy is like, you take. You come.

It is over. But does she climax? And the Russian guy is just like, what? Does she climax? What? She doesn't have penis. How does she climax? Where does sperm come out of for girl? Like, what?

No, you make her feel good. touch the clit what a woman has a clit woman has a what the woman has a clit all the pleasure the sensory you touch the clit and it makes a woman feel good it It pops out on top of the pussy. And the Russian guy's like, you say woman has penis? Woman has little penis on top of her? No, no, no, no, no. It's a clit. Does he have balls?

Never mind. That's how a conversation would go with an Italian and a Russian talking about. But my point is, when the Jernigan Russianikov, whatever the fuck his name is, Khabib the Jernigan Russianikov, when he was, he won, and then he was like, okay, well, he talked shit about my dad, though. We got to finish this. Got to beat the shit out of everybody in this camp. You know, the other guy from the bottom

was like talking shit to him after the fight, and he was like, and then after the press conference, he was like, first of all, not my best side. Very sorry to UFC. However, what is deal with Conor connor though it's like the worst worst apology of all time okay listen gonna say not my best side what is deal with bus situation though connor threw chariot bus and why nobody talking about it you know okay look sit down

sorry now connor what about him, worst apology, imagine going out with that guy, you cheated on me, Russian and Jenikov, yes, but what about how you tits out a little bit, you have cleavage, what, you fucked different girls, what about how when I have my hat on, you don't say nice hat? You don't say, you say, I have furry hat on. What about when you don't say nice hat? What about that? Sorry about gangbang, but also why you not talk about my hat? You know?

So that was the worst apology of all time, but it is also as a Russian. You know? He talk about my dad. Have to finish personal business. Have to do business. Then have to finish personal business. I love how Conor McGregor loses, though, because he's just so like. He's so.

Hey, I lost, but I got $100 million. You know. It's awesome he's like yeah i lost but let me just fucking buy another lamborghini let me buy a bentley my irish friend loves conor mcgregor it's so funny he'll go to war with other people who are just fucking writing about conor mcgregor badly on twitter he'll just find him and start writing them like it's irish um but yeah i i don't know man that whole fucking cult it was also really bad it was like the first time i watched this ufc shit in a long time and like that happens it's so fucking bad for this is the thing man

ufc is mainstream now it went from being a subculture to a mainstream thing, and it's huge. And I'm not talking about how much money – it makes so much money. But boxing has been around since however long, right? But there are still people who don't consider the UFC a sport. Now, I think those people are wrong. I think they just think of it as like barbaric and shit like that, and I think those people are wrong. they just think of it as like barbaric and shit like that and i think those people are wrong but that's the kind of shit that's going to keep the ufc in the in that in that subcultury um uh area in some people's minds you know and the fact that he did that was so bad i mean when i

was when i was watching the fight i mean i could hear it in rogan's voice too he was just like ah it's just so shitty because he he loves the sport, Joe. You know? And he loves that it's a sport. And he loves the competition aspect of it. But it's like, and then people are like, oh, yeah, but you paid to go watch a fight. Then you got upset that a fight broke out afterwards. It's like, those people are fucking idiots, dude.

What are you talking about? You fight in the octagon and afterwards, it's illegal. And then I love how Dana White too was like, oh, these guys are not, you know, You fight in the Oklangan and afterwards, it's illegal. And then I love how Dana White, too, was like, oh, these guys are – whoever fought afterwards and whoever did that, they'll never fight in the UFC. And you know – that's what fucking – what's his name? Khabib Rushin-Adinijov. And you know that they're going to let him fight in the UFC again. It's all about money, dude.

It's crazy. I went down a rabbit hole watching these conspiracy videos about Khabib Namedov. And, oh, by the way, his full name, Khabib Abdomenopovich Nurmagomedov. Nurmagomedov. Wow. That guy was fucking legit.

When he was holding on to... When he was taking his legs and holding Conor McGregor's legs together like a fucking bow constrictor. Crazy, these fighters. They have a different fucking mindset, huh? Imagine getting punched.

I mean, that hat that he wears, you know? Is that like a Russian thing? Why does he look like a popple? mindset, huh? Imagine getting punched. I mean, that hat that he wears, you know? Is that like a Russian thing? Why does he look like a popple? Yeah, I don't know. I've never really been I was thinking about, like, I did this, I shot that thing, Hollywood Game Night, last night. It'll air fucking far, a long time ago,

if far from now. But I did it with, like, Joel Mcayle and nikki glazer and some other people from this is us and uh and all that shit and uh and jay lynch uh hosted you know it's i think it's on nbc i'm not i don't know but um by the way it's on season six i love how these shows can be on the air i have no fucking idea for how long but um yeah they were like are you competitive and i'm like they kept asking like they do we did some shit like interviews beforehand that they're gonna put on the online and shit hey are you competitive and i'm like the least competitive person i don't give a shit i'm

competitive with it myself that's it like if i ran three miles yesterday i want to run four the next day like that's it but if somebody's running faster than me i don't give a fuck let him go go man go what are we doing this for uh i'm not very competitive but uh so these when i did do uh jujitsu for the limited amount of time i did i wasn't very good ever but um i liked it because it was just me it was just me it wasn't like anytime there's a team involved like baseball baseball, basketball, football, and we lose, I'm always just like, everyone fucked up. I don't care. Like one time I was in high school. When I was in high school, I was on the sophomore team, the basketball team.

And I remember my buddy Tim Chung, we lost. My buddy Tim Chung cried afterwards. And I was like, hey, man, why are you crying, dude? And he was like, hey, man, maybe if you gave a shit about something, your life would be better. And I was like, oh, you're dribbling balls. In high school. Yeah, to be that passionate about basketball is crazy to me. But, I mean, I do love when people are passionate about their shit.

I love it. I just don't like when people are so fucking alpha, quote unquote, about their shit. I love it. I just don't like when people are so fucking alpha, quote unquote, about their shit. Anyway, I don't give a shit about the fucking competition of all. And I was thinking about like, why have I never been like that? And maybe it's because if I dig deep into myself, like maybe it's because I know I'm never going to be the best. But that's the other thing too.

Like, because I'm not athletic. I'm not the fucking guy who's going to be jumping and running and fucking you know i love to work out i like to try and fucking beat my shit but i'm not the kind of i mean you know there's always a guy that's gonna be better than you so to me to me it's like why try but i'm not that way about comedy because i think comedy i guess because it's a subjective thing right there's no oh he's the best right like lebron is the best player but there's no comedian that's the best because some people who think is the best comedian, there are people out there like, yeah, but I don't like that guy's style. He doesn't make me laugh. I like this guy the best, right?

So I don't know. Maybe that has something to do with it. I was just trying to think about all the times I was ever competitive in my life. Like when we – you ever play that game fucking – I remember one time I was playing – ever play that game fucking i remember one time i was playing uh butts up remember that game butts up it's not it's an east coast it's definitely an east coast thing and no but it originated in the east coast i know it did i read up on it once it's called butts up if you look it up it's called butts up and it's always there's a lot of different versions of the game, and what mainly is the thing is you – the main thing that Butts Up – we remember Butts Up.

The main thing that makes it Butts Up is you got to – I mean, look at this shit. On Wikipedia, Butts Up, a.k.a. A-Ball, Asses Up. Yeah, we called that sometime. Asses Up. Yeah, we called that sometime. Assies Rehab and Tea. Sui. Bolivar Shagnasties Revenge. That's what it's called? Bolivar Shagnasties Revenge. Balls Deep, Ballsies, and Bear Trap. Blackjack. Okay, anyway. A North American elementary school children's playground game originating in the 1950s or earlier. It is... Yeah, North American. It is slightly similar to the game Screen Ball.

Butts up or booties up began in the 1940s, 1950s as a penalty phase of various city street games. Yeah, basically you just put your hands up against the wall and people try to peg your butt with it. And we did it and I did it once and I never really cared about it. But one time there was a guy, he was like a bully kind of guy his name was danny brown in my in my in my school and he and i was like i don't give a fuck we got into some sort of argument i was like i don't give a fuck i think he was he was like oh yeah you didn't do it right i was like whatever he was like you didn't put your hands in the thing i was like fine do it again and he hands in the thing. I was like, fine, do it again. And he kept throwing the tennis ball at my butt. And I was like, do it again. And he kept throwing the tennis ball at my butt. And I was like,

come on, do it again. He was like, yeah, yeah. And it fucking stung on my butt. And a lot of time he would miss. But I was like, I was like, I'm a real man, dude. I'm taking these butts. I'm taking these fucking tennis balls to my butts. And he ain't shit. And he ain't shit. And I'm doing it. And he's a bully. And he ain't shit. Because'm doing it and he's a bully and he ain't shit because he's one of those guys that was like a little bit like girls didn't like him and he found his like coolness in like being a bully and uh i remember that was like when i first got to la and i remember uh being i remember then like using humor because i would always like i would be like dude i can make these motherfuckers laugh and they'll be on my side there was another bully named tory and he would like fucking bully people and i would just be like i'm gonna make this guy laugh he's such a pussy

and i'd make him laugh and then he'd be like dude he was like on my fucking nuts dude these fucking guys are pussies man bullies are pussies dude all you gotta do is make them laugh and then they're like oh dude they want to know what you think about everything. Yeah, dude, you fucking pussy ass motherfuckers, you know. It's like the kind of guy who can't, like, bullies are so fucking dumb because, like, you can't express yourself with words. You get so frustrated that you need to fucking fight somebody. Like, that's so bitch that you need to fucking fight somebody. Like that's so bitch. That's so fucking bitch.

When you're so mad at somebody, you're like, that's it. Only thing I'm going to do is punch you in the face. Don't have enough words. Okay, you made me mad. I don't have enough words. Here comes a fist. I remember being like, I can make these motherfuckers laugh. That's all I've ever thought of my whole life

is making people laugh. That's all I wanted to do. I would want to get buddy-buddy with my teacher. I'd want to get fucking with the girls, just making them laugh. And then fucking the bullies, dude. Make them... I don't know.

Maybe it's just because I'm not that smart, though. I'm not that smart. So maybe that's why I did it. I just did it to make people laugh. But I don't know. But I did... because I'm not that smart, though. I'm not that smart, so maybe that's why I did it. I just did it to make people laugh, but I don't know. But anyway, that butts up shit was fucking stupid games. Fucking stupid games. Kids trying to figure it out and shit. I don't know.

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But are you at the age where your nose hairs are growing too long? And how much does it fucking hurt when you pull out nose hairs hey let me tell you something that's how i know something extra is going on it's not just life as we know it pulling your nose hair out of your fucking nose hurts like a gunshot wound to your face. It hurts so bad. And it's one of these pains too. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. You know what I'm talking about? It hurts so much.

And my nose hairs are so long right now. You can't see them. I'm not like a fucking gross motherfucker. But if I hum, my nose itches because the hairs are touching each other. And then I get fucking, dude, it hurts so bad when you, I guess girls probably don't

have to think about this too much because they don't grow a lot of the shit. How about when people put the wax up there though and the Q-tips and then they rip it out like the hairdressers, you know? Dude, if you're going to get your hair cut and they're working on your beard and nose hairs and eyebrows too, chop your fucking head off. Just go to a decapitator. You know? You see those Instagram pages? It's like barber fun or like fucking hair look guy. And you go and it's like a guy shaping his beard up. Dude, I went to the fucking barber once because actually when I did jujitsu, there was a guy who cut hair too.

He used to fucking, by the way, beat off in the shower when it was scalding hot so he could fucking try and make himself think pain was pleasure. It's crazy. But like hair and beards on Instagram, like this shit, you know, they'll put it to music and then they'll cut the fucking hair and then like they'll shape his beard and eyebrows and then nose hairs. Like lop your head off, dude. Lop your head off. God, I saw three guys coming back from the airport. They were like all a version of each other. They were so fucking funny and awful looking.

They had fucking horrible hair all teed up too and then they had like a one guy had a beard and faded into his fucking uh what do you call these side sideburns it faded in it's like the beard was full and then it faded out and then back into his sideburns the guy looked like a fucking utter piece of shit and he was five six course because he was overcompensating oh hey man you're too short so you got a funky beard see right through you be reg i don't give a shit how tall you are be reg it's free conch fade your beard however you want it but if if you do, just know you're overcompensating. And they, dude, they were these guys, you know the guys that are so, that think they're so cool that their eyebrows change? They're just like this?

They're just like tired of everything? They're just like this and they got like jean jackets on and jeans with like some fucking Jordan 11s on? and their beard is all shaped and they use hairspray. Oh dude, is it 1997? And is your name George Kim in my La Cunada high school? George Kim in my La Cunera High School? Dude, are you using hairspray, guy? What are you doing? Hey, lop your head off.

Just fucking use pomade or nothing. Just get a fucking waxy bullshit. If you're a dude and you're going like this to your fucking head. I'm sorry, but the fucking here come the police. I want to make hairspray that every time it sprays, it just goes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Every time you spray it or every time you spray it, it goes like this. Dude, I don't know, man. It's so funny when dudes think they're good looking.

I just can't stand it, dude. When guys like are doing this face and then they got tattoos and they're all barbered up leaning against a fucking old truck and they're cuffed jeans you know fucking pieces of shit half these guys look like ace ventura if they fucking if they rubbed chia mix all over them dude look at this fucking asshole with his hair who are you he's like the fucking if they rubbed chia mix all over them. Dude, look at this fucking asshole with his hair. Who are you? He's like the fucking Armenian Johnny Bravo.

This guy. You got to fucking put that on that thing, on the video pod. Armenian, Johnny Bravinian. Johnny Bravinian. Hey guys, I'm Johnny Bravinian. I own a fucking cell phone shop. Hey guys, do you need a family plan?

I'm Johnny Bravinian. Enough with Sprint, you need to come on over to T-Mobile. Hey man, I'm Johnny Bravini. I've got fucking... I live in La Cunada. Up near fucking Angeles Crest Highway. Dude. So many fucking Armenians lived in La Cunada. I fucking love...

I love Armenians, dude. I love all, you know? I fucking love all. And also, I hate all. You got to like and hate everybody the same. Otherwise, you ain't shit. You know, if you don't love and hate everybody the same, then you're Republican. Dude, I posted a fucking picture of Melania Trump and how she looked like.

How about how Donald Trump wrote Melanie Trump once on his fucking Twitter? Hey, guy, you're the president. Also, spell your wife's name right. I put LMAO. Come on. Get with it, Melania. And I put spy versus spy thing next to her. Don't dress like that.

Hey, Melania, what the fuck are you doing? You smooth criminal? Dude, when Melania dressed like that, and then she... Dude, and she's in front of a fucking Sphinx. No wonder why people say we're Carmen Sandiego. But, so I posted a thing where side by side it looked like her, and then the fucking white spy versus spy, holding dynamite. Dude.

And then she was like, I wish... They did an interview about it. They were like, I wish people would concentrate on what I do, not what I wear. Oh, really? Then don't dress like Michael Jackson in Smooth Criminal. And also do more. And it's not a political thing. I don't give a fuck, dude.

I posted that because it was funny okay and people are like oh really you're gonna be political now huh no nothing is political about making people say stay out of politics what are you talking about i'm not in politics i'm first of all making fun of what she's wearing she's the president's wife it's not even the president and then people are like yeah uh stay out of politics that'd be like if i posted a picture of fucking lebron james made fun of his outfit and people were like hey man stay out of basketball i'm not fucking also because i make fun of her it doesn't mean i'm in politics what am i a politician you're only in politics if you're a politician what the

fuck are you talking about i'm making fun of all of this shit you can't pick and choose what you make fun of then you're a fucking then you're then you're a you know what i mean fuck that i have no boss i have no boss i'm my own boss i'm out here doing this shit you make fun of what millennia trump the the president's wife wears and Republicans went nuts. Although I made fun of some other shit and people, liberals got mad too. Fuck that dude. I don't want to be a liberal.

I don't want to be a conservative. That's how everybody fucked it all up. Now I'm not any of them. I'm me. That's it, dude. I don't, I don't want to be,

I don't want to be, you know, I don't want to be considered any of these motherfuckers. Fuck them all. They're all wrong, dude. When someone was like, I was talking about, what's that? I tweeted something because people were like, some guy got a job on Charlie's Angels. Some actor got a job on Charlie's Angels from this Netflix movie. And everyone was like

nobody could just be happy for the guy they were like yeah but let's not forget the girl too let's get let's hopefully she gets parts too like dude just be happy for the fucking guy you know and people on the internet and then it became a twitter moment and it was like people are hope that this girl gets parts too and it's like dude i the movement, but cast whoever the fuck you want to cast. So I just wrote, yeah, or just cast whoever you want to cast and don't listen to the internet. Dude, liberals went nuts, man. They were just like,

people are rooting for Lana Condor to get the same amount of roles as Noah sent something. Sent, what is it? Noah Centineo. And people were like oh yeah so chris you should just get fucking oh more white guys get roles too like not shut the fuck up first of all it's not what i'm saying obviously stop pushing everything to fit your fucking agenda it's art dude cast whoever the fuck you want it's's art. You want to cast a fucking Mexican guy? Cast a Mexican guy.

You want to cast an Asian girl? Cast an Asian girl. If there's not enough opportunities out there, then create the fucking opportunities. I don't give a shit. But stop complaining, dude. These motherfuckers who complain, they're not doing shit.

You're not doing anything to help. You're not doing anything to help you're not doing anything rub peanut butter all over your fucking face that that's just that's what you're doing it's unnecessary oh you're tweeting something you're tweeting outrage rub peanut butter all over your face it works the same put peanut butter in your fucking ears works the same um yeah i don't know it doesn't matter what you say anymore it's the more and more the time passes it doesn't matter what you say anymore because people just move on to the next one the next day and i you know what i every time some outrage shit happens i always think oh let's see what

happens tomorrow nobody's gonna give a shit and then uh the last time that happened the next day they didn't give a shit, and I was like, I got to remember to talk about this on podcast. This is how much nobody gives a shit anymore. I forgot what the fuck it is. I don't even remember what it is, and I was going to talk about it on the podcast.

The Kavanaugh thing. I mean, everyone knew that he was going to get elected. How did we pretend that that was going to affect anything? Nobody's voting. Nobody's fucking going to vote. People are's voting. Nobody's fucking going to vote. People are like, yeah, but you got to vote. It doesn't matter. You're not going to fucking vote.

Vote then. Vote then. You're not going to. You're not going to. Nothing's going to change if you don't fucking vote. It's as simple as that. You're not going to vote. Because you don't want.

You know why? You don't want to. That's why. Yeah, but you got other shit to do you'd rather go fucking whatever it is you'd rather go walk your dog or drink a coffee with your friends or fucking text some chick or some guy you'd rather text you don't want to vote you'd rather text you don't want to everyone's like yeah but our time is coming everything's getting overturned soon we're gonna fucking we're gonna we're gonna change

the change is coming the pendulum swung the other way no it didn't no it didn't dude we're fucked i guess you still gotta try i guess but just stop complaining dude that's the thing i saw the thing tammy lauren is that her name tommy lauren she was like uh whatever liberals you can keep whining but we're gonna keep winning like what what are you fucking winning who winning you know this is the country what do you talk about winning the whole republican versus democrat thing is so fucking stupid dude i started reading the beginning of that book of fear that book fear uh with donald trump he was like a he was like trying to run for uh uh he was like i want to be the president and then steve bannon was meeting with him and he's like well a lot of stuff you've done if you want to run uh for a president and as a republican a lot of stuff you've done like 80 of your uh donations have been to democrats

and shit he was like oh we can fix that he just wanted to be president he didn't give a fuck but he had to fit into that box of republican for it to work out it's a game dude and when and then and then so it's like you want to be republican you want to be democrat and then you gotta well true democrats don't really you know they're not pro-life they're pro-choice so but if you want to run as a democrat and then if you if you go as pro-life as a democrat you're not going to get the fucking votes to be the Democratic nominee when if that's what you believe and if that is what's right and if you do believe that's what's right

that's never going to fucking see the light of day you're not going to be a Democrat and be pro-life so then you're a Republican then you got to change all the other shit and you got to be a Republican you got to be a fucking against gay marriage and shit which is so all of it is so fucking ridiculous

all of it is so ridiculous there shouldn't be the fucking the the two-party system like that or more than two parties but there shouldn't be that that shouldn't be how it's done now now i'm a fucking idiot i have no oh it should be this way though but i'm just saying dude that's so insane how it works i don't i don't know But I'm just saying, dude, that's so insane how it works. I don't know. I don't know.

But that's it. I don't know. What did I start talking about that way? Oh, when I was talking about how people should have. Liberals really, true, true liberals really are a crybaby though it's like you you gotta get it together dude you gotta stop fucking crying and whining about shit you have to otherwise and and and you know otherwise look you don't want trump to win again liberals you have to stop whining and bitching and moaning. Otherwise, Trump's going to get elected again.

And it's going to be your fault. That's it. That's it. Stop whining and bitching and moaning. Otherwise, what you don't want to happen will happen. That's it. And Republicans know it. And all I got to say is.

Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy how they doubled down on that shit, too. God, they doubled down. That's some gangster shit trump they wanted republicans wanted nothing to do with trump when he started fucking up and then when he did the grab her by the pussy thing hey you know bragging about sexual assault dude the republicans wanted nothing to do with him and then he fucking doubled doubled down. And he was like, it's locker room talk. Fuck it.

It's all good. He doubled the fuck down and people were like, okay, that's how much people want a leader. They don't even care what they fucking believe. They just want somebody to believe it more. Okay, I guess he's right if he's saying it like that. You know? he's right if he's saying it like that you know it's like they they don't they're not the bad guy if the other guys are saying the shit well if something goes wrong it wasn't me that said it i'm just following that's the guy that said it so i'll just fucking go you know i'm sure fucking hitting a button if you if you click a button and that kills someone that's

way easier than stabbing them in the fucking neck it's a difference you know you click a button someone dies you're removed from it dude it wasn't me it was the button it was the fucking i was removed from it you stab someone in the neck you gotta look them in the eyes. Got real dark. Hey. Anyway. What's the, do we have questions? Okay, good. We got questions. Twitter questions.

I'd like to help these motherfuckers. Let's get this podcast out there a little bit more, okay? Share and also tell your friends about this podcast. Right now, put it on pause and just tell and text somebody, you got to listen to this podcast and go to your favorite episode and send it to them. All right, Twitter questions. Thoughts on my co-worker. This is from Steve.

Steve Bush tweets. Thought. What? Oh, this guy's an elder. Okay, cool. Thoughts on my co-workers referring to LaCroix as work beers. Wow. I mean, how much of an alcoholic can you fucking possibly be to call LaCroix work beers? I don't like cute shit like that, man. I don't understand. What about the LaCroix thing? You see about how they're fucking, they might have, what is it? Pesticides?

What is it? It's got to be bullshit, right? It's got to be bullshit. You can't have fucking poison in your sodas. Well, I mean, Coke and Pepsi does. But you can't have, i don't know although but then it's like yeah but it's a chemical taste there's no fucking sugar or whatever in it but then it tastes like a fucking berry so i mean it's something's going on in there oh it's not water. Oh, it's water, but it doesn't taste like water. Uh, uh, uh, uh. Oh, it tastes fucking, it tastes better than water, though.

So I got a question. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. You know, what is that? Do you know? No. One fire, Ivan gets rid of. They don't know. I don't know. don't know that's three guys

so what the fuck is it tasting like berries for if nothing's in it got quick quash it's the worst podcast known to man but um yeah that's crazy dude dude does look correct cause cancer hope not if it does got it between that and the ice cream sandwiches got it we're all gonna get cancer though it's it that's it that's why when i go to foreign countries which is never i fucking eat as much as i possibly can because their food isn't it has is stricter have you had any formal vocal training? Jordan, at Jordan's Vegan. Have you had any formal vocal training? Well, with that, I got to tell it to you like this.

You do the math. Dude, have you ever taken singing lessons? You do the math. Does this answer your question have you had any formal vocal training dude i used to fucking dude i like these questions because they let they leave me sometimes onto some topics we had a fucking i did chorus when i was in eighth grade and this actually was probably the term the time i coined sabitch okay mr kelsey remember him okay so mr kelsey would go we would do vocal and he would go you know the vocal exercises would be like okay let's

start off class oh my oh my oh my oh my oh my oh my oh my oh my oh my oh my oh my oh my oh my oh my it gets so high until you're just like okay fuck it and uh there was one where we would do where we would go, and you just go, and he would do, on the video podcast, but you see it. He would go from low to high. And every time we do it, he would let, he would like jump a little bit. And every time it happened, I would laugh so hard and I'd be like, oh, it was so bitch whenever he would do it. He would go, and he would jump a little bit. First of all, doing this so bitch with his with his fucking with his fingers. Oh, dude, he died.

Guess what? Died of cancer. Everyone's getting it, babies. But dude, he would he was so bitch with his shit. So bitch with his shit. Do you ever get that really sharp neck pain that happens and you're like what the fuck for no reason do you guys ever get that yes it like pops what is that dude the first time i ever got that was in chorus and i thought somebody behind me shot me with a bow and arrow and i was and i went the fuck? And I looked at the girl behind me. Her name was Tenny.

I always had a secret crush on her. Why is her name Tenny? But, um, God, what are these fucking people doing now? How about everybody that was in my class now is like 40 and they just have kids and they're divorced. A lot of them are fat,

you know? And I, and, and, and dude, fucking, I, I looked behind me and I said,

did you just fucking do something to Tenny? I was like, did you just stab my neck? And she goes, she goes, she goes like this. What? And then Mr.

Kelsey was up there going, Ooh, so bitch dude. Anyway. Um, so I have had some vocal training. Oh, obviously. Ah, anyway, but, um, there was, so after that though, I remember I saw Moulin Rouge and

I was like, if I'm an actor, I'm going to fucking be, I got to know how to do that shit. If these fucking musicals are about to pop off and if you and McGregor can do this shit, I got to be able to do this shit. So I started taking vocal lessons and i did it for about three years and i took it i took it from a guy with a wonky eye i can't remember who it was but he was always looking at me and behind me and yeah i would go every week and i would fucking dude singing is hard dude i people who can sing are fucking amazing man and they can make they can make you emotionable emotionable city it no fucking what's it from uh sopranos yeah you think it's genetical um they can make you emotional just by fucking just by just by singing dude that's crazy

they can make you emotional just by going, oh, like that fucking, who's that? Who's that fucking Maxwell guy? Is that him? That's his name? You hear two notes of that and you're just like, ah. You know he fucking did vocal exercises like Mr. Kelsey. Woo. It's a bitch.

Dude. So I took like three, four years, five years of vocal and a fuck. And I was like, I can't do this shit. I could sing a tune. I could, I could hum, you know, I could fucking, I could get it going a little bit, but dude, fuck these motherfuckers who kill dude. There's these videos that go viral about people singing and shit, just like on radio stations.

And I cry watching those motherfuckers, man. I cry watching those motherfuckers. And they're good. I can't do this shit. I tried. I can't do it. I'm not a singer, baby. I'm a comedian.

So that's your answer, Jordan's Vegan. Change it. Nate Flake, at Nate underscore Flake. God, it sucks when you have to fucking use that underscore, doesn't it? You were too late to the game. Hey, fucking Johnny Come Lately. What's up, Nate Flake? Who gave you the biggest push to start the podcast?

It was just kind of me. I don't know. Nobody ever really was like, you got to do a podcast. I just knew that other comedians had successful ones like Bill Burr, Tom Segura, and Rogan. And I was like, I'm leaving money on the table. So I decided to fucking do it. And I didn't know that it was going to help me fucking back up the Brinks truck. I didn't know it was going to make my pocket swole. I didn't know it was going to make it look like I had extra cocks around my waist. I didn't know this podcast was going to make it look like I had fucking sandbags in cargo

pants, dude. I didn't know that. Oh, these motherfuckers, oh, they fucking with my money? Oh, these motherfuckers is fucking with my money, right? For those people who think I'm not making money on the podcast um yeah dude i took a hot we were taking a hike something about we were on a hike, me and my Irish buddy. We're coming down the fucking hike and these two chicks were near us talking so loud.

When chicks talk loud, that's it, dude. I want to get in a car, start it, drive it into a wall lightly to where it's like shit i'm i didn't get hurt but if it was any harder i could have got hurt and then i want to fucking leave the car there and walk away dude they were just talking and then she said this and then that and that's why we're talking about and oh my god talking about and alana and did it and me and mark we were just like, imagine fucking we were on this hike with these chicks. They were loud. Dude, and usually fucking when people talk and you're talking like this, you can hear me. You can hear me talking like this.

Yeah, we're just talking to shit. Some people are just chicks, dudes. But nothing when a chick has that shit, it's just because it's high enough to where it just fucks you up, dude. It fucks up your whole, it's like interference, you know? I just can't fucking deal with loud chick talkers. It's just like, oh, man. Also, there's something, too, with like a dude. like oh man also there's something too with like a dude if a dude's talking that loud you can be like hey man will you shut the fuck up and then the dude will laugh you know but if you do that

to a chick she'll be like what are you what so it's like control your fucking voice you know whoever you are that shit drives me nuts, dude. No, my biggest pet peeve is of all time though, is when somebody says, do you like, I'm trying to think of an example. Like when they, when they don't, when they say something, you don't hear them. You say what? And then they just repeat the second part of what they said. Hey man, I most likely didn't hear the fucking first part because i wasn't paying attention

and then when you started talking i had to start paying attention and you're just going to tell me the last part like like when they say shit like uh uh i um i went to the library the other day to get those books. And you say, what? And you say, I got those books. Nope. Fucking nope. That's not what you said, dude. What about those? Or sometimes they just repeat the now.

They're like, yeah, man. Read those books the other way. It was so good. You say, what? So good. What? So good. Did you check on the cake

what the cake what the cake what is it what about the cake did you check on it oh cool so we could have avoided all this shit if you just said what you said again step out

kakunk that drives me nuts. You do the math. Do we have another one or no? Is that it? Okay, that's it then. That's it. Dude, if you want me to keep doing this podcast, you got to fucking share it and shit.

I don't give a fuck, man. I'll stop, motherfuckers. If your business ain't growing, you're dying. If you don't grow, you die, okay? Now our shit's been fucking going up and up and up and up, but, you know, if I see a dip, I want to give up. I want to stop. I want to stop. I don't give a shit.

I'll stop doing the podcast. I'll just do comedy tours. If you like the podcast, rate and review it and fucking share it with people, man, and make your motherfucking friends. You want to, you're a baby. Make your friends. Listen to it. I don't get, dude, we're not, if we don't grow, we die. I'm telling you, if we don't grow, we die, dude.

I'll take this Eagle right off the wall. I'll take this fucking Kuda. I'll make the, I'll turn this room right here in my house into a fucking theater. I don't give a shit. I'll turn it into another kitchen for no reason. Um, I'm disrespectful as shit, dude. I'll turn this fucking studio into a kitchenette, dude. So help me out.

Help us out, dude. Otherwise, there's no log cabin. But we do love you if you listen. Thank you very much. Download the Cash app for free on the App Store or Google Play Market. Enter rewards code congrats, get $5, and give $5 to Time's Up. You can download my app in the App Store. Just type in Chris D'Elia. And Miami, I'm coming. ChrisD'Elia.com, West Palm Beach, Florida, Jacksonville. And I'm excited for my show coming up at Carnegie Hall here next week.

It's all sold out, but if you'll be there, I'm excited, and we'll see you there. Video podcasts go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays. Please share this show. Otherwise, you know, what the fuck are we doing this for? We've got to grow. We've got to make it grow.

We've got to make it grow. Okay, guys. Remember, dude, Johnny Bravinian here to say, whatever the fuck. I'll see you later. Fuck you, child. Motherfucker.