Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 90. La La La Problem

Episode Date: October 15, 2018

It's the 90th episode! On today's show, Chris tells some childhood stories. Also discussed: Peabo Bryson, Carnegie Hall, Chris's dad, is there a god?, Shannon Sharpe, and stupid dishes. Plus, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply this episode of congratulations is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron's mission is to make incredible home cooking accessible to everyone. You choose chef-designed recipes, and Blue Apron delivers fresh, seasonally-inspired ingredients. Cook incredible meals in less than as little as 20 minutes. Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash congrats. That's blueapron.com slash congrats to get your first three meals free.

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It's Chris D'Elia here. And we're doing it for episode 90. And you may have heard something a little bit different so far when I read the ads, and that's to let you motherfuckers know, what's up, man? They're ads. You get to listen to this for free. They come up on your podcast app, on your app,

whatever you got, you get to listen to it for free. And I want to just remind people that when they complain about ads, which has been happening less and less that that's why you get to listen to it for free because i get to get paid through these ads so every time i read a fucking ad just so you know dude okay that's how it's going so here's a little bit reminder if you're feeling a little bit complaining guess what that's how it's gonna be from now on dude that's how it's gonna be from now on dude that's how it's gonna be from

now on i'm coming in fucking feisty today dude that's what's up dude did some shows uh this past weekend in i did a college in new jersey called fucking uh college of new jersey in trenton did a fucking did the warner theater in dc and i also did the fucking Theater in DC and I also did the fucking Carnegie Hall and I played the hometown uh in Montclair New Jersey so that's what's up dude that's how we're fucking doing it from now on man because that's how it is in this life man you gotta fucking you gotta get it in where you gotta get it where you you gotta get in where you fit in that's what you do so that's what's up uh we got some new sponsors and shit like that we love the new sponsors we love the tried and true old sponsors we got fucking we got remember if you're watching the video app kuda's reminding you you got kuda right here over my right shoulder to remind you

and then you got the fucking eagle over here to remind you who the fuck you're listening to dude um anyway dude i was on the road well where do we fucking start here i was on the road dude you know what actually first i want to talk about i was on the road and i saw we've probably talked about infomercials here and there um by the way this isn't plugged in is this usually plugged in it is it's not plugged in so what do we do here it's not plugged in it's out of here um but uh is that it i'll do it so so one fire starting off already and that's not it okay Okay. Well, whatever. If it dies, it dies. If he dies, he dies.

It's got some up there. We need to fix it. Oh, he gets so nervous. We need to fix that. We're having a fucking technical difficulty. Just do it over here. Just go that way. Nobody will see you because you're fucking one fire.

So I was in L.A. Or no so we uh so so i was in uh la or no i'm sorry i was in where the fuck was i when i was listening to this watching this shit um i was in i think first of all i can't even can't tell you how sub-bitch fucking one fires look and trying to get around the studio behind the camera to try and fucking plug in the the sound thing um and because he looks extremely some bitch but um uh i can't find do you know where it is well we got to find it right are those gonna go you just want to start over okay uh so i. So I was in – where was I when I was doing that? Oh, I stayed in Philly. And when I stayed in Philly, I was – there was this infomercial that came on called Peebo Bryson's Classic R&B or Classic Soul Hits or whatever.

Bryson's classic R&B or classic soul hits or whatever. Now, Peebo Bryson was an old singer that looks a little bit... He was like the first... He looks like... I don't know how old he is now, but he did... He was like a soul singer and

like a Nate Dogg, but like Nate Dogg, but he looked a little bit like Nate Dogg, like he was bald and shit. But the infomercial that I saw. Do you guys watch infomercials? Because I watch infomercials, man. And I love watching infomercials because they make me feel. Because I don't really have to pay attention.

But also they're selling some shit. And I know they don't believe in it. Now that's the best. They don't believe in it. This one is a little different. Maybe people at Bryson did like a lot of the things that this guy was saying. Maybe people at Bryson did like a lot of the things that this guy was saying. Maybe people at Bryson did like a lot of things that these guys made him sell. But he was selling, first of all, compact discs, and it's 2018.

Now, I looked originally when this infomercial was created, and it was created in 2005. So this thing is 13 years old old and they still did the thing where they were like if you call in the next 18 minutes you'll get this free like no man so you know that those are bullshit you know those are bullshit now you never need to call the next one they're like if you call in the next 10 minutes you you'll get the, you know those are bullshit because this was made in 2005 and they were still doing it 13 years later. So 13 years later, you can be, if you call in the next 13 years, you can still get what the fuck it is you want to get. It was 13 years later. Now, I watched this shit.

Now, first of all all you don't know here's the thing one fire go the other way you know anyway um i gotta do a little bit of a technical difficulty here i gotta plug this in here so you guys fucking hold on one second while we're good while you're holding on you know what that's it we're in it we're in it we're in it he almost hit his head so hard on the fucking thing god i wish you could see how it's a bitch you want fire looks trying to get around the studio um all right so so people bryson is doing this shit and they're all the songs like by lano rich and Marvin Gaye and shit like that, and they're talking about how great it is.

But when you watch – you ever watch like a football play that happened last week? It always looks like it's from the 80s. Did you ever notice that? If they're like, show a little bit of a clip from last week's game, you're always like, why the fuck does this look like it was so – it looks like a copy of a copy of a copy that's so grainy. looked like it was so it looks like a copy of a copy of a copy that's so grainy like but but this shit 2005 it's crazy how um different broadcasting was in 2005 so first of all they're selling compact compact discs and they're doing it still in 2018 hey guys get with it okay also people bryson change your name of course pebo uh you know pebo bryson so um so it really but the thing about it now i had a really emotional weekend and this is what started it off i was watching this infomercial and it was just so

insane to see this shit an infomercial i saw 13 years ago to see how different the world is now like you can't buy compact discs even i don't know who the fuck's buying like literally they're trying to sell the last few that they have to the people dying tomorrow you You know, like a 90-year-old is just like, oh, I want to get this. I want to get this because I like all those soul songs and I've been looking for that Marvin Gaye song, you know? And so I was sitting there watching this infomercial and it was really affecting me in a real way.

I started thinking about how it used to be when i was a kid now by the way in 2005 i was 25 i was barely a kid but it's i it was just the whole nostalgia of it made me feel like i was young again and i was like wow man it's crazy how much has changed since i fucking we since in in in fucking 13 years so now uh i go i do the i do a gig in new jersey which i'm from new jersey okay and i played uh uh trent in new jersey which is the college of new jersey which hey college i appreciate a name like that the college of new jersey if dude if i had a college for that your god when people are like nah it's cool to have fucking like uh i don't know many colleges because i'm an idiot but like some of them are called like uh like duke like what the fuck you know pick wherever you are that's what it's like

when i say about the bands like you're supposed to be named the beatles or the birds or the fucking lions you know? Don't get all fucking Death Cab for Cutie bullshit on me with your college shit. Oh, yeah. Where do you go to college? Fucking. What's that one? Mellon.

Carnegie Mellon. Is that a city? It's two guys. Last name's go go fuck yourself dude what are you a law firm fucking carnegie mellon law carnegie mellon law the law offices of carnegie mellon carnegie and mellon how about when they do fucking when they're brothers and they do like carnegie and carnegie or like when they do when they do fucking, when they're brothers and they do like Carnegie and Carnegie? Or like when they do, when they're the most Jewish last names of all time. And so the law offices of Rosenbaum and Rosenbaum, I'll go fuck yourself. Just say the Rosenbaum law offices, man.

So I got to repeat, I got to repeat it twice. You fucking egotistical. What's up with all the Jews? So, so any, what's up with all the Jews? So, what's up with all the Jews? They always naming this fucking shit with it. You got to say it twice. I mean, so many fucking callbacks to other episodes. People listening to the new shit.

Definitely people listening to the new episode. uh people listening to the new episode definitely turning it off right now um so i was so yeah but call your college college of new jersey dude if i had a college whatever state it would be it would be the college of that goddamn state that's the shit california college of fucking oregon you know oregon state however they do it that's the fucking shit don't get creative with it with the thing no it's a college everyone wants to know where it is um so i put the college in new jersey and then i went and i played dc which was fine whatever then i went to play carnegie hall in new New York, and it was insane. Here's the deal, man. Carnegie Hall is the most traditional – not traditional – most legendary probably venue or at least theater in America.

And it was in New York. They started it in 1891 and I was like trying to get, iron out all the details before I got there. Like, oh yeah, I want to get, I want to sell merchandise. I want to, I want to do it before the show. Usually my opener, Mike, he gets out there and he sells merchandise.

He sells our merchandise before the show and he loves doing it and he goes out, sells before the show and then he sells it after the show. Carnegie Hall was like, can't out sells before the show and then he sells it after the show carnegie hall was like can't sell it before the show and i was like why that makes no sense and i was like because there's an intermission and i was like what there's not intermission in my fucking comedy show and they're like nope we got to do it because they make a lot of money a lot of these theaters they make a lot of money in intermission because the fucking uh bar sales in the intermission and i

was like well i don't want to do it and they were like well then there's a fee and i was like go fuck yourself dude there's a fee they wanted to charge me for not having an intermission so i was like no tell them no and then my managers came up to me he's like so i tried and like it's fine but like we're gonna have to pay so we're gonna have to do an intermission i was like all right that's fine then i'm just gonna walk out afterwards it's fine we could sell guys that can we sell merch in the intermission he said yeah so i said okay good so then then we're all good they wouldn't let mike sell the merch so they had the fucking guys at carnegie hall sell the merch so now by

the way i hate when you say merch you say merchandise merchandise, but I'm a coder, I guess. So they fucking sell the merch, and we didn't make as much money as we usually do, which is fine. But then afterwards, we sold the merch. Anyway, whatever. It doesn't matter about the merch. What matters is I was getting pissed off before the show. I was like, and oh, by the way, I hired a photographer, and they were like, you can't take pictures here, here, here, here, here, here, here. I was like, where the fuck can you take pictures?

They're like, in the back or outside. Ah, why'd I hire him? So anyway, I'm paying this guy a bunch of money to shoot the fucking night, right? By the way, everybody, okay, so I'm pissed off at the venue, right? And they're like, oh, by the way, he needs to come and do a mandatory sound check. And I'm like, what? I'm a fucking comedian, not the killers. I'm not Death Cab for Cutie.

I'm not fucking Sparkle Horse. Dude, put out a monitor and a microphone. We're fine. They're like, no, we want him to walk around this theater and get a feel for it hey man every show's the same i live in the fucking uh what's that bill murray movie over and over again groundhog day i live every day's the fucking same i go i do my shit it's fine if i need to adjust I do it in fucking one bill a second. Because it's my job.

So they're like, by the way, he has to show two and a half hours early at the sound check, which is the worst shitty amount of time. Because I got to go before. I don't have enough time to go back to chill and then come back. So I just got to hang there for two and a half hours. But go fuck yourself. No. But then in the back of my head i'm like well i'm still got to make this fucking money so let's relax so i'm trying to get to the fucking sound check i don't go two and a half hours early i go an hour and a half early

which is fine we we settled on when we're negotiating shit you don't even need to negotiate. So I'm there and I walk in the theater. I walk into the actual theater and it like hits me that I'm playing Carnegie Hall, which by the way, I didn't even think about. I told my dad that i was going to play carnegie hall and he started crying because he's from new york his dad my grandpa used to sell newspapers on the corner outside in fucking new york city and my dad said wow i've only seen george carlin there at the fucking um at carnegie hall and i can't even believe you're going to, I'm going to, that's the next time I'm going to see you at Carnegie Hall is you. Wow. And so for father's day,

I got him a vintage George Carlin shirt and he looks at me and he starts crying and he says, I'm going to wear this. I'm going to wear this when you play Carnegie Hall. And I say, ah, cool. He said,

cause you know why? And I do know why, because he's, he said, but, but he told me again, my dad's a master of saying shit 75 times. He was like, because I saw George Carlin play Carnegie Hall. And that's the only, no, I know that's the only other time. No, I know. But that's

the only other time I've been to Carnegie Hall and it was in this, no, I know it was in the 70s, but it was in the seventies. Okay. No, I know that. How do you know that? Because you told me that 475 times. He says, well, and he's crying. Okay. My dad is so sentimental. He cries at the end of fucking every tv show he watches right i'd be like dad what's going on he's like just law and order so so so i get to carnegie hall and when i step on the stage on the stage to do the sound check or whatever which by the way this is the sound check oh yeah cool one cool. One, two. Great. Works out. Right? So I get out there. I step out onto the stage, dude. It's actually breathtaking this stage.

If you've never been to Carnegie hall, it's so fucking annoying. How goddamn beautiful it is. It's annoying that you can't go in there with a bat. I was like, you know what? I'm going'm gonna talk to the guy in charge i'm gonna give him a piece of my mind i'd be like you can't sell merchandise in the beginning that's so ridiculous i get out there and i'm like whoa it's gold the theater is gold and white it's beautiful and you don't realize how many times you've seen it like on in movies and on tv and shit like that i don't know how by the way because i don't know how the they filmed because they're not allowed to fucking shoot anywhere. But I step out there and I'm like, wow. And I think about my parents and everybody that's going to be out there, my family, my friends, and people that I've met in the years and shit that are going to be out there supporting me. And it fucking made me feel like emotional, okay?

Again, all the way from fucking Peebo Bryson shit, feeling nostalgic. Now I'm over at Carnegie Hall. Now my dad tonight at this night is going to make me feel nostalgic. Nostalgic for him, nostalgic for me, nostalgic for him, nostalgic for everyone. So I am like, okay, so here comes the show. So everyone now gets to the show. I do the show. Fine now gets to the show i do the show fine i got everybody there i got my my dad my fucking uncle my everybody second cousins fucking friends my girl

fucking the only person not there my brother and uh and uh because he had fucking a deadline and shit like that and i told him not to come because don't stress the fuck out. Oh. I was like, it's okay if you don't come because it wouldn't make a fucking dent. Doesn't matter. It's fucking sold out anyway. So. So I'm fucking do the show and I get a standing ovation at the end I'm not trying to fucking

brag whatever but it I was sitting there taking it all in and I almost fucking it was very emotional got some cool shots the photographer was able to finagle some cool shots I get out and I'm like I'm gonna be anyway my point is is that I was in New York where I fucking my dad, you know, my dad loved to see me perform and my mom as well and shit. And every time I saw my dad afterwards, he was like, it was like an out of body experience and shit like that. And just trying to fucking, he was trying to, he cried the whole time, you know, little pussy ass bitch, you know, He was trying to – he cried the whole time, you know, little pussy-ass bitch, you know, my dad. And I got a little bit of that sentimentality from him.

My brother did not. But – so then we all went to eat, about 45 of us. And I just sat there and I was like, damn, it's crazy how we're all together. Because you don't get to see people all the time. You know? Like the only time you get to see people as a family is weddings and when people die. Right? So everyone's toasting. My Uncle Vinny's there.

He brought Underberg, by the way. If you are there, if you're a congratulations. He brought a bunch of different Underbergs for everybody that have alcohol in them, by the way. My cousin was trying. He's like, here, you got to drink something. I was like, there's alcohol in this? And then they were like, yeah, there's fucking alcohol in it. So I'm like, I'm not going to drink this shit.

And we're having a good time. And then my girl almost fucking chokes. You ever seen someone choke, by the way? You ever see the terror in their face? I actually don't know if I want to fucking even get too far into this because it was really fucked up. Because I had such an emotional night. And then seeing somebody that you care about almost die from choking. By the way, choking is going to be the worst.

That's got to be the worst way to go. That's got to be the worst way to go. It's got to be the worst way to go. Because you choke. First of all, choking is the weirdest thing. Because you have to do it to live. You've got to eat to live. But it can also kill you? That's not fair, Jesus Christ.

Hey, Jesus Christ. That's not fair. What Christ. Hey, Jesus Christ, that's not fair. What the fuck? Son of God, what are you doing? We've got to eat and that can kill us? Hey, Jesus Christ, what are you doing? I'd rather see someone I love commit suicide or get hit

by a train then fucking almost choke you see their look on their face 12 seconds of pure hell it all worked out she coughed it up I did the Heimlich wrongly but I like to take credit for it

and I was trying to do it. My aunt was like, lower, lower. Looked like I was just trying to cop a feel. David Coppefeel. How about the least funniest fucking president ever? David Coppefeel. Squeeze.

How fucking hilarious I mean I guess it's not hilarious but how amazing would it be how brazen would it be if you just went David Coppafiel who's your favorite you know who my favorite magician is and she said who and he goes David Coppafiel and he goes squeeze and then he just says you're a survivor

dude hey sweetheart yeah first of all that's sexist but hey sweetheart yeah you know who my favorite magician is who david coppa feel squeeze you're a survivor and then wheels off in his wheelchair wow would be my fucking utmost favorite president going to hell going to hell but still it's all good babies you can't take it with you but it's all good in the meantime i mean so slow you know the fucking backing up the brinks truck in the meantime so slow um yeah man anyway it was a nostalgic weekend and then the next night i go so so between the fucking almost joking the show and the people bryson shit which started it off i'm telling you that started off my nostalgic weekend my uh the crying all my family members and shit be in there, Carnegie Hall.

I was just on an emotional roller coaster, right? So then I go to play Montclair, New Jersey, which is where I'm from. And I'm playing Montclair, New Jersey. And my best friend from Montclair, New Jersey, who I used to live next door from, people don't get to do this, dude. He hits me up and he's like, hey, do you want to get into your old house that you grew up

in? And in my head, I go like this. No, because it's going to be too emotional for me. But I had already, but jokes on you. That's that conversation happened a week before I'm telling you. And I said yes already. So it's like Pulp Fiction. I'm telling the story.

You don't know what the beginning is and what the end is. So now I go see the fucking old house I grew up in, dude. And I don't want to give you the address because you guys are crazy and you'll show up. But I go and I stepped in. Now, it's been 25. No, it's been 26, 7 years since I've been in that house. 26 years. And I step in and my fucking, I'm overwhelmed with emotion already from everything in the weekend.

And I'm in the house I grew up in and I and all these fucking emotions are flooding back to me I'm like oh my god this is where I asked my mom if I could say the word shit for the first time and she said okay and I got scared and I ran away I said at the den at the in the in a dining room I was like hey mom can I say the s word it's a swear word and she said yeah and I said what really and she said sure you could do it once and I said no I'm too scared and I ran away like a fucking bitch okay and then I was oh, this is the fucking these are the stairs I ran down during for uh when when we that one christmas and I

And I ran past my brother because they told they told my brother to let my brother go first because he was littler And I thought that was bullshit. So I blasted right by him and his head hit the fucking side of the wall And he and he didn't miss the smile and we have video of it dude one time i was running down for christmas and my brother my brother was running down for chris was walking down for christmas he was going too slow because he had little legs and i was a little bit older and i and and they were like let matt go first let matt go first and i blew right by him and i hit him into the wall and he was smiling because it was christmas and his head hit the fucking side of the wall and he didn't

stop smiling and kept walking and dude we laughed because it was so funny because he was just he knew he hurt himself but he was still too excited because santa came real shit dude that is real shit man so uh and i was like oh this was the fucking part where i realized i had ocd this was the moment where i realized i had ocd because i was lining up my micro machines in a row and Uncle Vinny with the fucking two wallets came over and sat down before Underberg and he was like, hey, what's this one? I really like it. And I screamed out the top of my lungs because he missed, he messed up my cars. He messed up my micro machines, man. They were supposed to be in a line. He picked one up and he wasn't supposed to do that. And in my little head with OCD, that was his fault. He picked up the car so he wasn't supposed

to and he put it back because I screamed like a fucking bitch ass whatever dude it's what makes me me now OCD doctors will tell you that's not what makes you who you are because OCD is a demon and it's not a part of you but I would argue it helps with your creativity now is that a fucking bad thing to say to people who have ocd yeah because maybe it would make you feed into your own ocd yeah but don't do that i guess but also if you could it could be gene okay if you're fucking if you have OCD and you're really into math and that helps you do math, it could be gene. Or it could be a fucking serial killer and keep fucking heads in your freezer. So anyway, I was like, oh, this is the part. This is where they opened up walls and they built.

Here's the other thing, too. When you go back to a place that you haven't been to in 25 years, it's much and now it's so much it shrinks i don't give a fuck what people say people be like oh but you were littler and your memory distorted it nope things get smaller i walked into that house it was so much fucking smaller than i remember it and guess what that's not my fault it fucking shrunk my house shrunk dude um. I was walking downstairs and I was like, oh, this is the moment. This is the moment where I remember starting the moment. I know the moment I started believing in God. And I'm not saying I believe in it anymore.

I don't know. Who knows? If there's a fucking God or an afterlife, I don't fucking know. And if you say there is one, you're a fucking idiot. If you say there isn't one, you're a fucking idiot. Because guess what? You don't know. You know why?

You're alive. And anyone who's alive hasn't died yet. You saw a bright light? You almost died? Cool. That's your mind fucking with you. Doesn't mean shit. Doesn't mean fucking shit.

doesn't mean fucking shit. So, so now I am, I remember the moment I started believing in God when I was a kid. When I was a kid, I believed in God, dude. How fucking kid is it to believe in God? Dude.

You know how I started believing in God when I was a kid? I was looking for something. I don't even remember what it was but it was a toy. And let me tell you something. It was very fucking important. Okay? I needed the toy. And I couldn't find it. I looked all

over the house. And I was standing at the top of the stairs in the basement because I was on the East Coast. And East Coast have basements and West Coast don't have basements for some fucking reason. But that's how it is in America. So I said, God, in my head, as a fucking crazy little ass motherfucking OCD ass bitch motherfucker, I was like, God, if you just tell me where this fucking toy is, I will believe in you. And right then I thought, oh, God's telling me, God's telling me it's in the basement under the end table with the lamp on it. And I ran downstairs and I looked under the end table with the lamp on it and there was

the toy. And I sat on the floor and I thought, oh my God, there is a God. I didn't realize that my mind is my mind and I can come up with those ideas by myself. In my head, God put it. Now here's the thing. People still think of shit like that and and they're adults, and they're not, they don't live in fucking, like, tribes and shit.

They have, like, walls and toasters and an actual functioning society, and people still think God gave them ideas like that. Now, those people, you're crazy. Okay? You're a crazy lunatic. Why? Because that's your mind. But I was fucking eight, and that's when I was like, there's a God. So I just want you to know, if you're an adult that thinks that, you're eight.

You're secretly eight. But that's when I started believing in God. Yep. And then there was, I looked at the fucking back window, and I remember the back window, I remember that's where I got my first fucking boner, dude. I remember that's where I got my first boner, man, where I started to like chicks. Because I was looking at the glass window pane. I remember playing with toys in the glass windows pane with my fucking neighbor, Julie.

And she was a little bit older and we were playing with toys in the glass window pane. And the glass window pane shrunk, dude. It shrunk. I didn't get bigger. It shrunk, dude. In my memory, it shrunk. And so we're playing with toys. And I saw the fucking, and I was like, damn, dude.

I kind of wanted to like touch Julie. That's like my first boner. I was playing with toys near the window, dude. They redid the kitchen. They put another balcony. And over in the balcony, I was dude they redid the kitchen they put another balcony and over into the balcony i was like oh dude they don't have this balcony anymore they made it in they covered it and now it's part of the inside and i was like this is where i broke the indestructible plates i was like my mom told me that the plates were indestructible and that

you could drop them and they're and they don't break and so i was trying to fucking um uh uh impress my friend keith testa and was like, these don't fucking break. Look, and I went outside and I took the plate and I was like, I dropped it on the stone and it shattered into a million pieces and I looked at Keith and I was like, oh, it's supposed to not break. And I was like, my, I broke the unbreakable plates. And she's like, you can't throw them on the fucking ground outside, asshole.

I was like, then don't call them fucking unbreakable plates. That's how I started developing personality. All sorts of shit. I got to do ads. Fuck. But then I remembered also there's a park behind the fucking plate. I remember everything, man.

In the park, we used to in the park we used to fucking bury dirty pictures me and my fucking best friend matt we used to bury pictures of girls with fucking from playboy that fucking thomas used to take uh used to give us because he was the older kid that had fucking bad parents he had fucking playboys and he would rip out the pages and he would give us us he would give us pictures of nude chicks for fucking those potato skin treats that we would have. I would go and he would be like, yo, I'll give you a picture of this chick if you fucking give me your potato skin bites. And I'd be like, yo, say no more, fam. Here are my potato skin bites.

Let me see that fucking chicks titties and he would give me them and i put him in my pocket and i would feel like fucking in second grade all around the fucking school in the playground through fucking recess through language arts i will be fucking keeping titties in my pocket, dude. And I've got titties in my pocket and the other one is touching my bone a little bit. So then I went and I buried the fucking pictures of titties in a baseball fucking card box and I buried them in the back of fucking Yannick or Brook Park. And the fucking kid who lived on the other side of Yannick or Brook Park.

This motherfucking bitch ass told my dad about it. He came back and was like, Mr. Lee, I want you to know. Now, this is where I learned some shit, dude. My dad, he told my dad, he was like, I want you to know Chris and Matt are doing some bad shit. And my dad said, oh, yeah, what? And he knocked on this fucking door. And he said, oh, yeah, what? And he said, they got dirty pictures of girls in the back of Yannicka Brook Park.

And my dad said, oh, yeah? And he said, yeah? He said, okay. And he closed the fucking door on him. And my dad told me about that shit. And I said, did you get mad? And and he said of course I didn't get mad and even if I was mad I wasn't going to let that fucking kid know that I was mad

because he thought he was telling on you and I wanted him to feel stupid dude are you fucking kidding me that's some fucking woke up this morning and got yourself a gun that's so fucking dope and mafia shit that my dad did that when i forget his name i think it was mike something

all fucking shitty guys are named mike you know and he was he but and he fucking told he was like yo i want you to know my dad said oh really he said okay and he closed the fucking door on him that's what my dad did to fucking that shitty kid and then of course my fucking friend Matt got in trouble too but not really though because because we weren't gonna let that kid have his kick and eat it too fuck that kid fuck him as a seven-year-old I don't give a shit and then you know what I did as a fucking boss player you know what I did as a fucking boss seven-year-old. I don't give a shit. And then you know what I did as a fucking boss player? You know what I did as a fucking boss player?

Dude, I was a fucking boss player when I was nine. I fucking went. The next day, I took potato skins and I traded them for Thomas for some more fucking nudie pictures. And then oh, you're probably like, oh, you you know, you probably shouldn't have done that because you already got caught. Well, guess what I fucking did?

I came home. I took those nudie pictures and I walked up to my dad's office. My dad was in his office. I walked up. I knocked on the door, opened the door. I fucking threw the nudie pictures on his desk. And I said, those are the pics. And I walked out.

I ain't got no motherfuckers. That's why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker. Yup, dude. That's how we're living as D'Leas, dude. yup dude that's how we're living as D'Leas dude hey Mike you think you're gonna fucking unearth some dirty titties you think you're gonna unearth some dirty

titties in a public park and get me in trouble by telling my dad about that shit oh guess what motherfucker I still got some potato skins to spare i ain't got no motherfucker that's right man i loved going back to my fucking old house dude all right dude We got two ad breaks? All right. All right, you guys. Postmates.

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You guys, I'm coming to Miami. Bienvenido a Miami. I'm going to Miami. You can get tickets at crystalia.com. Follow the leader tour. A lot of stuff sold out, but Miami's coming up. I'm looking forward to going to Portland. It's all sold out, man.

I'm looking forward to go to Portland portland and fucking seattle and also i'm going to vancouver i'm doing two shows in vancouver by the way um so anyway uh yeah what else did i see when i went way on the way home uh when i saw him fucking way home what else did i see that i just on the way home? When I saw him fucking way home, what else did I see? I just, it was crazy going back. I saw that my brother peed down the laundry chute. That's another one. My brother fucking had a fever and he was walking around and he peed down the laundry chute. Dude, I used to have fucking crazy dreams about my mom's laundry room too. I used to have recurring dreams about how there were seances in my mom's laundry room and how I used to try and

fit myself down the laundry chute. Hey, that's gotta mean something fucked up, right? Seances. Um, yeah, man, I used to get, you know what else happened? Also, uh, I used to be out of my mind scared when I was a kid. I used to run into my mom's and dad's room, into my parents' room, and I would be like, hey, guys, I'm scared. And they'd be like, okay, well, you got to go to bed. I'd be like, no, I know, but I'm just scared. And then one time, did I talk about this on the podcast? My dad said, what are you scared of? And I said, birds, everything.

Did I say that? Yeah, I did. I would be scared of everything. I would be so scared. And you know, what's weird is too, I got, you ever wake up in the middle of the night and you're scared? I mean, that hasn't happened since I was like 15, maybe. But what was weird is it happened on Thursday. No, when I was in Philadelphia, I woke up in the middle of the night and I looked into the other room. My hotel room had didn't just have the whole term. It also had another room because it was in a fucking it was a suite. And I looked and I was like, what if like a fucking shadowy figure or a demon or a ghost was just there?

I looked and I was like, what if like a fucking shadowy figure or a demon or a ghost was just there? And then I couldn't fucking fall asleep again because I was like, what if there is a shadowy figure and a fucking demon or a beast there? And I had to get up and close the door like a fucking bitch ass so I could sleep again. And then I think I turned the fucking TV on and the light on. I'm 38, dude. What a bitch. But I was scared. And then, God, it was so weird, dude.

I never felt like such a fucking kid again this whole weekend, man. My dad showed me, he was like, look at this Instagram comment from a stranger I got. And it said how I did a good job at Carnegie Hall and he was reading it to me and he started crying about a fucking stranger's Instagram comment. You know what I mean? Hey, dad.

Hey. Buck up. Hey, you're 70? Buck up. I don't know, man. I'm just fucking around. I think emotional intelligence is more important than fucking intelligence intelligence. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Than brains? Like these fucking smart-ass numbers guys guys they're idiots when it comes to everything else some of them some of them not all of them but some of them they just don't know what the fuck they're doing in life like those kinds of guys are always like wall street type guys and shit that are real they don't they don't they don't sit down and have like heart to hearts you know they're like now who's got time fucking turn and burn that money trying to fucking stack cheddar i'm trying to sit on fucking knots hey dude i got a fucking fat wallet too but you still gotta cry sometimes

there's a quote you can have a fucking fat wallet, but cry sometimes. For real, man. Yo, you could fucking sit all lopsided on a knot, but you still got to cry sometimes. Hey, dude, you could be sitting on fucking Knott's Berry Farm, but you still got to fucking cry. You still got to let some liquid leak out of the top part of your fucking head sometimes. How about that, dude? Sit on knots, but also leak it's the truth because if you're just sitting on knots and you don't leak you ain't shit and if you just leak and you don't sit on knots you can still be something man you don't have to sit on knots to not be a real fuck to be a real fucking person

my uncle vinnie sits on two knots. And I think he leaks sometimes. But you got to fucking. You got to cry. You got to fucking cry. Don't just. I cried on my podcast about two. Three weeks ago. Somebody left a comment on my thing.

It's like hey man you shouldn't have cried on your podcast. Men don't cry. They shouldn't cry. Bro what is this in 1952 what were you fucking danny zucco bro what are you talking about hey fucking knicky leak what are you talking about men don't cry and i'm not into all this fucking crybaby liberal shit by the way you know how about the red dead redemption video games coming out with some shit and they're like they worked 100 plus hours in the for weeks each week to get this video game under uh you know

on a deadline and and and the internet is like up in arms. I tweeted about it. They're like, oh, well, this is a mismanagement. You shouldn't overwork people 100 hours. You shouldn't do this and that. People are like, oh, really fucking, they really fucked up. Some of these tweets pull them up about Red Dead Redemption. But it's like, dude,

how much fake outrage can we have, dude? You don't give a fuck that people are working 100 hour work weeks by the way getting paid and for to have a video game come out it's not like this is a sweatshop dude and they're putting souls on fucking uh sockanies or however the hell you say that word nobody knows by the way sacconcony? Saucony? Sussany? Whatever the fuck it is?

Oh, it ain't no problem. It ain't no problem. It ain't no problem. That's what I would do. I would have that fucking... What's the meme right there? Go up. Yeah, Shannon Sharpe.

Red Dead Redemption 2 campaign is 65 hours long. It ain't no problem. It ain't no problem. It ain't no problem. That's my favorite meme of all time. When your girl asked to look through your phone. How did he say that? That's the best meme of all time. I told one fire that meme and he was like, I don't like that one. And was like you will bro it's it's got everything it's so bitch it's so fucking like that faux machismo damn dude shannon sharp dude how about his face that guy you couldn't create a face better than that and he's got the nerve to wear tortoise shell glad.

Dude, that guy's the man. I never saw Shannon Sharp not make a catch. And I'm not a bit, I'm not a bit, what was he, a tight end? But he was a tight end, I think. But that dude was the shit. When I was a kid, I used to watch Shannon Sharp. I'd be like, man, that guy's the shit. That guy would catch every ball like,

I don't have a problem. I don't have a problem. I don't have a problem. Dude, by the way, Shannon Sharp, I'm going to throw it 50 yards down, and you're going to catch it even though you're the tight end? Problem. Problem.

Problem. I'll tell you what, Shannon Sharp, I'm going to throw it not in the field, but in row FF. You think you can catch it? Problem. Problem. Problem. I'll fucking grab a fucking hot dog when I'm there.

No, no, no, no problem. Hey, hey, we're playing in Dallas Stadium. Shannon Sharp, I'm John Elway. By the way, I'm going to throw a fucking pass all the way to the Seahawks Stadium. You think you can catch that? No, no, no, no problem. No, no, no, no problem. No, no, no, no problem.

By the way, he's just saying, la, la. So the red, red, red, red redemption, by the way, fuck your red, dead redemption, dead, red, red, dead, red, dead, red, dead, red, red, red redemption. You're playing a hundred hours on a red, red redemption, redemption, redemption you're playing 100 hours on a red damn redemption abemption limption the lampshade on a red damn redemption um and everyone's like pull up some of the trees oh yeah you can't worry people over 100 hours they knew what they were getting into they knew fucking come deadline it was a deadline that needed to go stop with your fucking fake outrage man because you know what's up with that outrage the people who are fucking working on that video game, they know the deadline is coming up and they know they're going to not be able to

see their family for the next few weeks. And they know they're going to lose sleep. Well, guess what? A little problem because that's fucking work, man. Dude, I fucking worked hard and my marriage fucking dissolved because I had to fucking do open mics and not even get paid. And my ex-wife was like, what the fuck? This isn't what I thought marriage was going to be. And I was like, yeah, but you're not going to fucking be saying this shit when I'm playing and I'm touring around the world and we're making fucking money. And the Brinks truck is fucking backing up and we're going to be fucking toting around with diamond rings on and you're going to have all the dresses you want and then you're going to be like but right now it sucks because we're young as shit but when you're fucking walking

around like the queen of sheba you're going to be fucking They know. Stop picking something. Stop picking something to be upset about. That's the problem. You're picking something to be upset about. Because your fucking life sucks in your fucking cubicle. Be happy with what you got, man. Because there's people with it worse off than you.

Now, la la la problem, la la la problem, la la la problem. And I see fucking one fire writing down la la la problem because that's probably the name of the episode. Dude, it's just, who gives a fuck about anything about video games? How about that? Play them and be happy. Or don't play video games. Kudas, man. Seeing other people...

You tweeting about that? Oh, I got a tweet about that too. And here I come at the fucking anti-hero. Hey, you motherfucking... I put up a tweet. Stop. Stop with all this shit. There's no Bigfoot. Stop.

Stop with all this shit. The Loch Ness Monster, see ya. Would have found him already. Bye. Where's Bones? I wrote the fakeness of people claiming outrage for Red Dead Redemption. Crunching to make a deadline is fucking so hilarious.

It is peak SJW shit, Social Justice Warrior. You simply do not actually give a fuck about how hard a video game company works to make a deadline, and you know this. And this guy writes, the thing is that this has become the standard for the industry, and I don't think it really should be. I don't like when people also put question marks at the end of things that should be sentences. Most cases, they don't get paid overtime because most developers are on a salary. So a lot of the time, it's people putting themselves through hell for no bonus. And that's true.

So I wrote, for sure. However, also people on the internet don't give a fuck. That's my gripe. That's gripe. I'm just tired of fucking people's noses facing my nose, man. Have it face the same fucking way. Anyway, that's what's up. You want to do some Twitter questions?

Let's do some Twitter questions, man. I like Twitter questions. I should shake it up and do Twitter questions earlier sometimes because sometimes they leave me on a good fucking tangent. Like last time. Dude, Peebo Bryson, you know?

Hey, here's something I'm never going to do. I do i want to address this actually before we even get into twitter questions because somebody asked me this on twitter i think every fucking three hours somebody writes me hey i'm gonna be at your dc show or this and that show can you give my friend it's her birthday can you give her a shout out? Dude, imagine me stopping my act that I've worked very hard on and being like, oh, wait, and being like, oh, there's a birthday now. Did I talk about this already on the podcast? I think I did. It was on my Instagram or something like that. I don't remember.

Anyway, no, I'm never giving a shout out. I'm never giving a shout out. Oh, you have a birthday? Oh, dude. You're the good friend? How annoying is the good friend? I'm just, it's not even for me. My friend, and she means the world to me.

It's her birthday. Oh, really? Dude. Let's see what it looks like when your top lip touches your bottom lip. Let's see what it looks like when it stays there. Now tell me. Oh, you can't? Thanks. Turn around. I just, uh, I'll never stop my show to give a shout out. It's not, I don't, I'm not a fucking DJ. You know what I mean? Imagine being a DJ, bro. How fucking awful it must be. Can you play Caroline?

Can you play? No, dude. Um. Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'll never give a shout out on my fucking uh you know what kind of a comedian i don't know one comedian that would do that to be honest i what do people think going to comedy shows what the fuck do you think is going on we're getting paid the fucking beaucoup bucks to fucking come in and do a show in your city i'm not stopping it so your friend john can feel good about his birthday i don't give a shit we all have birthdays oh it's your birthday

And you know we don't give a fuck because it's your birthday That's me I don't give a fuck Alright, Twitter questions Hey, Leah Trib At Leah Trib Hey Chris Leah What the fuck is this person saying

Hey Chris Leah, I'm a wedding photographer At Leah Tripp, hey, Chris, what the fuck is this person saying? Hey, Chris, Leah, I'm a wedding photographer, and a guy tried grinding on me during a cha-cha slide, and I turned around, gunged him, and another dude across the room pointed me and yelled, true baby. That's cool. Two babies united at a fucking wedding. That's cool you said gunged to a guy that tried to grind on you. What's up with guys that think they could just fucking go up on a chick and grind them just because they're on a dance floor? Boy, that's going to be a boy. I know it's out of fashion. That's going to be illegal in about

a month and a half. Oh, wait, did you see the girl, the lady that tried to claim that the nine-year-old sexually assaulted her? Did you see that? Oh my God, dude. It was. And then I found out that the lady was white and the kid was black. And I was just like, Jesus Christ, come on, lady, give white people a break. There was footage of it. And then you saw the footage and the kid literally, it was his backpack that hit her butt by mistake. And she called the cops on a nine-year-old. Hey, even if a nine-year-old is purposely grabbing your ass, guess what you're supposed to do? Buck up. You're supposed to look at that nine-year-old and be like, I don't have a problem. I don't have a problem. I don't have a problem. Fuck off, dude.

Who cares? You're not a survivor because a nine-year-old grabbed your asshole who cares dude go to fucking work fucking idiot you're a survivor because someone grabbed your ass you know i had a fucking i've taken a picture there was a 70 year old lady that was like a big fan of mine. She was like the funky year old, 70 year old lady though. She might've been 65, something like that. And she would come see me all the time. And she was always giving me those sex eyes.

And she asked for a picture. She always asked for a picture. One time she asked for a picture and she fucking took her hand, her fucking 65 year old hand, grabbed my fucking nuts, grabbed my nuts. And I guess, you know, yeah, sexually assaulted me. And I went, hey, what the fuck are you doing? And then I forgot about it. Then I forgot about it.

I survived, though though you know why because in the grand scheme of things uh Alex at Edgar you gotta make these bigger bro. What are you saying? I'm a fucking eagle. Edgar Roth. Alex at Edgar Roth. Isn't that a singer? Isn't that the guy who sings? Oh, I'm dying to live and you're not near to die. Who's that guy that sings that song that Eminem ripped off?

And Tupac, they put a Tupac on it. I don't know. Anyway, whatever. How do you feel about restaurants that serve their food in a quirky bro you're a fan of mine you know goddamn well how i feel about this first of all but i'm gonna continue the shit how do you feel about restaurants that serve their food in a quirky dish like a polished shovel or a piece of slate focus on making your food tasty he he writes. Look, I agree, dude.

Oh my God, there's a fucking polished... We got to retweet that from the Congratulations podcast. But dude, they got beans, they got fucking chicken, some sausage links, looks like veggie patties, and an egg. By the way, first of all, how much goddamn meat is on your plate? Hey man, stop, what are you feeding?

Is that for seven people? The guy's eating so much meat. This guy's going to die tomorrow. Hey, at least you have a shovel to dig your fucking grave in, huh? Oh, fucking. Hey, dude, was that a Denny's? Because I just gave you a fucking piping hot Grand Slam, dude. Stop eating so much nitrate.

Hey, bro, what are you fucking looking for? Nitrates, bro? This guy loves nitrates. I don't even know what nitrates is, but I know you love nitrates, bro. This guy can't get – this guy's got fucking lotion with nitrates and shit. He just – dude. Some of the guys are like, you want some fucking nitrates? The guy's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

So, yeah, this shovel. God, if someone – let me tell you something, dude. If I'm at a restaurant and somebody hands me food with any sort of plate on it that isn't just a fucking plate first, right? And, you know, how about when you get the salmon and they're like, it's slow cooked. Don't tell me shit is slow cooked either. I don't give a fuck put it in front of me don't brag about how long it takes for you to make your food you suck at it then make it quicker come on get fucking uncle ben in here that guy could do it in 60 seconds. Oh, you slow cooked your fucking pork loin. Eat my ass. I can pull my pants down in two seconds and give you a meal. How about that? Dude. And the slams keep coming,

man, dude. You know what? If I had a Denny's, I'd get a fucking revolving door. That's it. I'd act like it was someplace in Times Square, dude. I'd act like I had a fucking newspaper company in the goddamn thing. Because that's what's up. Because I need a revolving door on my Denny's. Because that's how much people are getting the fucking All-American slams. And you can go there. You can create your own fucking slam.

Because that's what you're basically doing anyway. I literally have five. By the way, I have no idea what i'm talking about right now i i forgot what did he ask me oh yeah dude have a plate be a plate that's it don't give me a fucking hubcap on a plate you're not fun and funky focus on making your food this guy's right make your food good presentation comes second now presentation is still something but if you're a fucking serving food in a shovel or a hubcap, your food sucks. Okay?

But when they give it to you on a wood plank, that shit drives me nuts. Just put it on a plank. I don't give a shit. Yeah, the salmon tastes a little bit better when it's served on cedar. I don't give a shit. You're going to give me an aneurysm. Now it's falling off the thing you know it looks like one of those old

Japanese fucking shoes that women used to wear with the socks still on them we got any more oh yeah dude what's up with this this guy has David Kurtz Kurtz David M thoughts on people who get mustache tattoos on

their fingers yeah you know that shit where they get it like this so they can do that and and do the fake mustache over there what do you what do you do what do you you know what you are you're so so you so don't have a personality if you do that because that's in place of a personality. You think you're the fun guy? Because I'm a fun guy. When you have a fucking mustache and you put it up like that, like you're trying to not sneeze. By the way, how weird is it how well that works? When you're going to sneeze and you're like, uh-oh, and all you got to do is press that shit. That's some shit Jesus Christ should have figured out beforehand.

Trumped you. Every time I do that, I'm about to sneeze, I do that, and I don't sneeze, I look up in the air and I go like this, hey, Jesus, gotcha. God, those mustache feet. The first guy who did that was kind of, okay, cool, great. The second guy who did that, he could. Guy deserves to get butt fucked, you know? Are there any more or no?

That tattoo is the worst tattoo maybe. Besides some, would Steve-O get your name on his ass or whatever? Jesus Christ, you know? Come on, Steve-O. Love the guy. Know him. But come on. Anyway. Come on, Steve-O. Love the guy. Know him. But come on. Anyway, I guess we're good, huh?

It's about one hour and six. Let me do the fucking wrapping up shit. Did I do all the things? I did all the ads. Blue Apron. Okay, I'm going to read it. I'm going to put it. I'm going to do this ad how it's said

And Juan Fire fucked it up Blue Apron Heck out this week's menu And get your first three meals free At blueapron.com So guys don't forget to heck it out Go online and check it out I guess I got to say the real way

So we get paid So check it out And then Download the cash app for free out i guess i got to say the real way so we get so we get paid so check it out um and then download the cash app for free on the app store or google play market enter rewards code congrats get five dollars and give five dollars to times up uh thank you so much for listening and subscribing please subscribe to the youtube channel uh we're almost at 200,000 subscribers. Let's get there.

Maybe we'll be there by the next week. I'll see you in Miami and Jacksonville coming up, West Palm Beach, Atlanta, Georgia, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Boston, Massachusetts, Fresno, California, Bakersfield, Austin, and San Antonio for some reason. Subscribe, rate, and review the shows. That really helps. Rate and review the shows. That really helps. Rate and review the show. I want to get in the fucking top 10 here. I don't think I've gotten in the top 10 yet except for when we first came out. But I think we've been in like 12 recently.

But let's get up there, dude. Video episodes go up on Tuesdays or Wednesdays. And follow the leader. Buy tickets on chrisdalia Wednesdays. And follow the leader. Buy tickets on ChrisDelia.com. New dates for 2019. New dates for 2019. Announcing soon. Announcing soon we got Chicago, St. Louis.

I think next week we're going to announce it. But we got a bunch of ones coming out. Windsor. That's a fucking place. Going to Narnia. Going to perform for some fucking goats in a closet uh all right guys you guys thank you very much and uh you know a little problem a little problem a little problem uh you guys are you guys are the best man some of you guys probably suck fucking man. Some of you guys probably suck fucking dick, though. Some of you guys probably suck shit.

You guys, thank you so much for listening. You guys are the best. You know when people say, you guys are the best. Thanks for listening. I'm saying that, but also with a caveat. Some of you guys who listen are probably fucking so annoying and shitty. And you probably suck, dude. And even the people that love, that you love, that love you probably think you fucking suck and you listen to this podcast.

But I appreciate you, too. So thanks very much, guys. Bye-bye-bye. Congratulations. Congratulations, motherfucking fuck you. Congratulations, motherfucking fuck you. Congratulations, motherfucking fuck you.