Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 91. Sayonarasville

Episode Date: October 22, 2018

It's the 91st episode! On today's show, Chris tells a story about his opener and his passport in Couvey. Also discussed: Alonzo Bodden, Tuscan flavor, sandwiches, throwing pillows, truffle popcorn, more Shannon Sharpe, and the Lakers brawl. Plus, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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No credit check needed to get one, so that's good. We'll talk about this more later on in the show. Download the Cash App for free on the App Store or Google Play Market now. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, we got the new we got the new Sharp, Shannon Sharp has a new, well it's not new but it's the other meme that I was alerted to the whoa meme where he's just going whoa

I mean he is a cartoon dude that guy's awesome I know I talked about it last time but when he goes whoa whoa whoa whoa unbelievable let's here we go here it is I know I talked about it last time, but when he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, unbelievable. Let's here we go. Here we go.

Here it is. Like, what is he doing? Dude, I love Shannon Sharp. I want to be fucking friends with that guy, dude. He would not like me he'd be like wow you're being really annoying you know he'd be like wow man you're being mad annoying and i'd be like a little problem and he'd be like no no whoa whoa whoa don't do that um so yeah dude we're man. I was in a fucking another country. I was in another country, dude. Since I seen you last, I've been in another country.

Dude, that's how fucking disrespectful I am. Traveling all on your ass like I'm fucking Carmine San Diego, dude. Like I'm fucking Carmine San Diego. Every time I, when I posted the meme of uh how millennia trump looked like spy versus spy everybody goes like this nah she's carmen san diego and i just go nope she's what i said i don't like when i tweet something and then somebody else uh tries to be funny and back to it and and like i don't know them and they're just like yeah but also what about this you should have said this and i just go like this no what i said um i just go whoa whoa whoa whoa you know he's like 48 and he does that that's amazing dude i can't wait to get older older and just fucking be i think i feel like

the older you get the funnier it is the more you do dumb shit, you know? Like if you're 20 and you do dumb shit, it's funny, but if you're 45 and doing that same shit, I mean, that's hilarious, dude. To be like dancing in a supermarket when you're 20 could be funny, but if you're 45, forget it. Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa that second that third woe is the best or the fourth one whatever it is you know which one i'm talking about anyway i was in another

fucking country dude that's how disrespecty daddy gets man yeah i'll do a podcast go to another country extra paper scoop that up and then just fucking come back. Hello, Cool J song, dude. Fresh out to private jet to Europe, extra paper, scoop that up. Dude, yeah, I'll go to fucking another country, extra paper, scoop that up, and then I'll fucking come back to LA, dude, like it

didn't happen. I'll do that. I'll go to another country like it didn't happen. I'll do that. I'll go to another country like it didn't happen. Anyway, so I'm fucking chilling. I went to Vancouver, or as I like to call it, Coovie.

You know what I mean? Just because I'm fucking real specific. I make my agents say Coovie. If they get me gigs in Vancouver, I say, where? And they say, Vancouver. And I say, I don't know. I'm sorry. I don't know what you're talking about. And I wait until they say, oh, sorry, Coovie. And then I say, sign it. I'll do it. But I will not go to Vancouver. I only go to Coovie. I only go to Coovie, baby. So I went there and I did a show. I did a show in Portlandland which by the way more

upside down heads than i've ever seen in my life so fucking many long beards with short hair portland figure it out dude when you land in portland and you're like oh i can only be in portland they got fucking those those circular glasses flannels like reddish beards they're like not quite canadian you know what i'm talking about they're up north but they're not quite big they're more like the they're like the fucking uh the runt the runts of the fucking canadian families move down to portland is what it looks like and they just get wired rim glasses and then have to like study because they can't chop wood and it's raining all the time so they fucking they they stay indoors

and just like fucking do like smart stuff you know because they can't be outside anyway um so portland was great i did two shows there can't remember the fucking theater at all because every day is the same day and everything fucking blurs together it's cool probably gonna get dementia when i get older i do however remember the show in seattle and i will say it was in seattle even though it was in snookwammy which is 40 minutes outside of seattle but whenever i fucking say online yeah thanks seattle they say no you were in snookwammy and i say done man because i fucking you know what i mean? People will be like, yeah, but come to Seattle. No, I traveled fucking 1,000 miles to get there. You travel 30 if you want to come.

And if not, fine. It's okay because it's going to be sold out anyway. Yeah, man, but the show in Snoqualmie was okay. The crowd, the rooms are, the room was all curtained. Like every wall had a curtain on it. And then there were like curtains behind me and like a curtain in the back. It was just like the laughter dissipates when there's curtains. If there's hard walls, like we got here at the Congratulations Log Cabin,

those fucking things bounce off and the laughter sounds great. But anyway, but it was a good, it was a fine show and extra paper scoop that up and then i went to fucking uh vancouver i'm sorry covey and i did two shows there at the molson canadian theater uh which was which were great i love canada man i i fucking love canada every time i go to canada I'm like, how much do I love Canada? Um, so I did two shows there, extra paper scooped out of, I did two shows there.

And, um, that's two. And, uh, and that's it. And now, now here is the best part about the whole weekend for me.

Okay. First of all, if you want to get tickets, I'm coming to Miami. I'm coming to Fresno. I'm coming to fucking jacksonville i'm coming to all sorts of places go get them at crystalia.com here's the best part about the weekend okay so i wake up portland i wake up in in LA and I text to my opener and my tour guy, passports, because we're going to Portland first. And I figure I don't have to, but I want to remind these fuck ups that you got to bring your passport because we're going to end up going to Vancouver, right? So we got to get in there

because guess what? Daddy's going to have his passport. And if you don't have your passport, daddy's leaving you behind. And daddy's going to go to Coovie Baby and extra paper scoop that up. All right. Now, we get to... So I text them that. Now, the car picks us up at my house. So they come to my house first, even though they try to finagle it every time. They're like, well, could you come pick me up? No, because I'm the headliner. You come to me, and then we leave from here. Why the fuck would I want to make an extra stop, even though I'm fucking, you know what I mean, extra stop?

No, scoop that up, right? Don't scoop up the extra stop at all. So I text them passports there did my due diligence did my did my shit didn't have to okay now uh let me sign out of this app here so now i i i uh i'm doing that i go to the i i get, they show up. They work out the merch shit. They do, we put the merch in the car. We're in the car. And I say, as we're leaving for the airport from my house, I say, you guys got your passports, right?

And my opener, Mike, goes like this. Yeah, well, well, you know, on the way here, I realized I forgot it. But I always keep my uh my passport card in my wallet and that's good for north america so it's all good and i was like i told you to bring your fucking passport and he was like yeah but it's all right it's why i have this in case i forget my passport i always have this which is so first of all so dumb to get to have a fail safe in case you forget your passport just don don't ever forget your passport, you fucking asshole, if you're going to another country, okay?

So now, I'm pissed, okay? Doesn't take much to get pissed, especially when I'm on the road. I want to be stress-free. I got to worry about performing. Now, I'm pissed at my opener. It's been 40 seconds. I'm pissed at my opener, okay? So Zach Doncoviovio my tour guy is just

going like this idiot he forgets his passport well why didn't you as my tour guy try to fucking make sure that he has his passport so far they're both failing okay so i say all right man guess what's happening if i get in and you don't i'm leaving you to go scoop up my paper all right so now we do portland and the whole the whole time there's this underlying stress was i don't know if i'm gonna have i have to fucking hire a new opener if i can go and i get there to vancouver because he's not gonna be able to do it so I get to we get to the we're driving to Vancouver we're going from uh Seattle to Vancouver Snoqualmie whatever the fuck and we drive in the driver gets it and we get there I've never driven over any borders ever in my life okay so we drive over the border we park kind of we stop rather the driver's like you guys have to stay in here I gotta go in and give them my paperwork first and then you can come out then

when I come out then you guys go back in so he comes out and he's like go in and give them my paperwork first, and then you can come out. Then when I come out, then you guys go back in. So he comes out, and he's like, go ahead and give him everything there. So we go there. My opener's a little bit nervous. You know he is because you know that he forgot his passport, and you know he wishes he had his passport. But he has a passport card, and he says it's good for North America. So, okay, I'm going to leave it on him. So I go. We get the rudest fucking guy ever there.

And I don't understand. When people are fucking rude about the border shit, it's like, of all take it easy okay yeah you're standing up a little bit higher why are they always a little bit higher too it's so annoying oh let me get up on this fucking step podium why who gives a fuck be my level hey guess what you're probably shorter than me anyway okay who cares you still have the control step up a step higher dude it's like that um bit seinfeld had about the pharmacy like why are they fucking higher than you anyway so i do the we go the guys never cracks a smile nothing we do it all works out and and and mike's like told you bro so good for north america and zach's like he was right.

So we get over and I'm like, all right, good, man. Good. Well, trust me, I'm happy. I'm happy we got over. All right. So we do this show. We do two shows. And then we come back the next day.

We go, but we're flying back to LA. All right. So we get to the airport and we are loading up the bags and all the shit. We check in and the lady says passports. And I give her my passport and Zach gives her his passport. And then Mike gives her a passport card. And she says, where's your passport? And he says, well, that's my passport card.

And she says, oh, this is good for land and sea. It says it right on the card. That's my passport card. And she says, oh, this is good for land and sea. It says it right on the card. It says on the card, good for land and sea. Now, let me tell you what that means in case you're listening and you're as fucking stupid as my opener. That means you can either use the passport card to drive over the border or swim over the border or be on a boat. Okay?

So he says, oh, it's good for North America. And she says, no, it's just for land and sea. And he says oh it's good for north america and she says no it's just for land and sea and he says oh and she says well look i'm gonna let it go this time but you might actually have a problem at customs when you get there and i'm fucking smiling i can't wait to be on the other end of the fucking customs and be looking at my shitty no-shouldered opener

and going like this can't wait can't wait because it's going to be a major told you so okay cannot fucking wait and Zach the whole time is like

okay so now Okay, cannot fucking wait. And Zach the whole time is like, okay. So now we get to that fucking like electronic kiosk where you put your passport in, you know, and he looks at me and he says, where do I put this? And I said, hey, man, I don't know because we're not traveling. Oh, and he actually said, Landon C., what the fuck? He actually said, What the fuck? I thought, you know, we're flying over the land.

Ah! Ah! Idiot! Air, you fuck up. So now, he gets to these, he's like, where do I put the card? And I was like, you can't put the card anywhere, man.

You need to put the passport somewhere. And Zach's like, And so we're going over the fucking thing. And they say, go first and they point over to the guy and he's like i hope i get a good guy and mike goes over there and i see his bitch-ass face like just like like agreeing and being a fucking bitch you know just agreeing so hard and saying stuff like you you know he's calling you know he's calling america his home do you know what i mean just trying to go back home like that's what he was doing. Like it was some fucking movie in 1940 where he's like, well, I'm just trying to go back home.

And so I got there. I got – and we see him go through customs. And I was like, it looks like he made it. And then Zach's like, oh, it looks like you went – they're making him go to the other room. He did detain him. And I was like, no, Zach, it says to the gate. She's like, no, they're detaining them. So now I'm extra mad at Zach because he's not getting what's going on.

And also I'm secretly hoping Zach is right because I want them to detain him. And I get through. And Mike's waiting there. I was like, you lucky motherfucker. And Zach's like, oh, he got through. Oh. And I was like, I knew he got through, man. Why did you act like he was detaining him? Anyway, he got through. But I was like, I knew he got through, man. Why did you act like he was detaining him?

Anyway, he got through. But I was like, dude, I wish you learned a lesson. And he's like, I did, dude. Because emotionally and fucking mentally he went through it. But, dude, when that fucking girl said, this says land and sea, oh, dude, I wanted to piss myself. I wanted to piss in the shape of Australia on my jeans. Yeah, dude. And the guy was like, you need the passport booked for the airport always.

And he's like, okay, sir. He was being so respectful. See, that's the thing. I don't like when people are respectful. Look, it says right here, the passport card cannot be used for international air travel. I'm going to take a picture of that right there. And send it to my fucking bitch ass opener but that's the thing dude when people are respectful only when they need to be respectful that's not cool dude that's not cool that's why i like bobby lee dude he's the same way he is for everybody if you met obama he

would be like what's up obama come here i feel my balls or whatever the fuck you know but yeah people you gotta you gotta love people who are the same with everybody and my opener is not he's respectful to people who are who we need something to and he's not fucking respectful once he gets to know you and that's fucked up anyway land and seeic. You louts. So now we got like an hour and a half. And I see, of course, Alonzo Bowden in the airport because I always see Alonzo Bowden in the airport. And I say, see you in L.A. Comedians see each other at the airport so much that even when you don't even stop to talk, you can be like friends with them.

Like Alonzo Bowden is my friend. He was on the phone. And I just literally went, hey, bro. What's up? And we slapped hands. I said and I kept Walking imagine seeing someone you know there, but you stop you Talk to him, you know, but I knew I was gonna see Him fucking tuesday at the improv probably anyway, you Know that guy is a fucking Killer comic by the way alonzo bowden

I love I love alonzo bowden if you have a chance Go see alonzo bowden if he's in your ticket If you're in your city get tickets look him Up So he's also the biggest man Get tickets. Look him up. So he's also the biggest man I've ever seen in my entire life. The guy is fucking – he's like that Fantastic Four. What's the rock guy?

What's his name? The Thing? Dude, Alonzo Bowden is – if everyone in the world fought to the death, Alonzo Bowden would come in 17th. That's how fucking big he is and strong. So anyway, now we're sitting and we have like an hour and a half waiting for the food. Or waiting for the plane.

And then we sit down, we order food. And this is something that guys do that girls don't do. And this was the shit, dude. I love doing shit like this. I don't like pranks. I don't like pranks. You know I've pranked my opener. I wore the same shit as he did on stage and made him look like a motherfucking beta.

But I don't like pranks. I don't like when my buddy was like, oh, you got to prank this guy. My buddy loves pranks. He always tries to get me to do pranks on my opener. I don't want to do pranks. I don't like that shit, okay? So one time – no, not one time. God, I got ahead of myself so now we're sitting we order

food and we order these fucking chicken tuscan sandwiches by the way if you're gonna order something and the word if you're ever wondering what to order at a restaurant and the shit says tuscan in it go ahead and fucking order it because i don't know what flavor that is but tuscan tastes fucking good i swear to god if something says tuscan give me two uh so if it's a chicken tuscan chicken sandwich dude go fucking get out of here get out of here i think you ever you ever go down on a chick and it tastes good and you just look up and you just say, now that's some Tuscan pussy. My fucking dad listens to this podcast, you know. So under the Tuscan, under the Tuscan dude, have you ever been under the Tuscan son?

Oh, bro. That's when you get the illest tan of all time. How dope isuscany is that what it is Tuscany in Italy is that what they mean is Italian Tuscan under the Tuscan sun dude have you ever seen under the Tuscan sun imagine watching under the Tuscan sun with fucking what's her name Diane Lane just oh of course on the okay let me tell you something if you thought of the movie the under the tuscan sun movie uh poster you if you don't know what it is imagine what under the tuscan sun the movie poster is you there that's what it is that's what it is she's in front of a brown wall with a picture of outside on it and there's a guy off screen handing her flowers ah chicks see that and just go let's go chicks see that poster and say is it on netflix or hulu chicks look at that and say i'll get amazon prime for that

all you need if you want to get the chicks fucking involved with your streaming service, get Under the Tuscan Sun. Done. 50% already. 50% of your revenue is from chicks. Get that and the fucking anything with Sandra Bullock. Even the fucking movies where she played, like The Net. So, wow. What the fuck was i talking about no clue

what was i talking oh yeah okay so i got the tuscan chicken sandwiches and i say yeah let me get a tuscan chicken sandwich and then my opener says yeah i'll do that too and then zach goes like this yeah three so we wait 20 minutes takes way too long to get the tuscan chicken sandwiches maybe they needed to fucking go get them from Tuscany, right? That's the stupid joke that everyone always does. Hey, order the burger.

What'd they have to fucking kill the cow? Yeah. Okay. So anyway, um, I get, we get the sandwiches. They're so good,

but guess what? They're small and there's not enough chicken in them. All right. So I say, oh man, my opener always says, Mike's always says i could get i could get more i could get another one and i say yeah let's get another one we'll get another round of tuscan chicken sandwiches all right so we do that and then zach who's fucking puffing on his jewel which is annoying as shit and he wears shorts dude he wears she's the guy who kind of guy wears shorts and a long sleeve

sweater the fuck are you in nwa so so now we we're waiting for the sandwiches and zach goes like this i want a starbucks and we're like well let's just wait for the sandwiches she says nah i'm gonna get a starbucks you want something i say no and he says okay i'll be back so as he leaves we get the sandwiches the three sandwiches okay now i eat my sandwich all right and mike eats his sandwich and mike says hey man you you think zach can fucking is gonna come back before we finish these. And I say, bro, I already am ahead of you. I'm eating half a Zach sandwich. If you eat the other half, fuck it. He says, okay.

And he says, let's just tell him we canceled the order. Okay. And you go, yeah, we'll do that. So we tell him we, so we eat the fucking, they're done. Take the, she takes the plates away. Then Zach comes back with fucking three Starbucks. He was like, yeah, I got you guys guys starbucks oh the food didn't come yet and we go now we canceled it and now mike is so bad at this mike's like we canceled it

and i'm like yeah now we canceled it we thought we don't need another fucking thing he's like and zach says yeah that's true i don't need to eat another sandwich. And then so we get to, so we eat, so we finish it. We pay the check. We leave. And then on the plane, we're not sitting with each other. So I text in the chain, hey, Zach. And he says, I said, I need to tell you something. And he says, yeah.

I says, remember how we went to order the second sandwiches? This is before we take off and they say um we need to get the order the sandwiches that we ordered sandwiches and we canceled it he says yeah and i said well guess what we didn't cancel them we we they got here when you're at starbucks we fucking, and before I wrote, we ate them. Mike chimed in and wrote, this kind of shit ruins my day. We are them. He didn't check his fucking God damn it. He didn't check his fucking spell check. We are them.

So he's wrote, we, and I, and I wrote, no, we ate them. Oh wow. Mike fucking.

And I wrote, Oh, Mike fucking ruined the day, dude. He ruined the fucking prank. And Zach's sitting there hungry on the plane after he ate a fucking. Dude, and we were laughing. We were laughing. Now, that's something chicks would never do.

And that's why I like being a guy. Because you could fucking. Fuck that, dude. I ate your sandwich, motherfucker. You went to Starbucks, dude. Don't sleep. You know what I'm getting ready to play. You went to Starbucks, motherfucker.

I ain't got no mother... I ate your sandwich. That's why I ate your... That's why I ate your sandwich, you fat motherfucker. I ain't got no mother... That's why I fucked your bitch.'s why i ate your sandwich you fat motherfucker wait let's try to do it that's how it should be he says fat motherfucker first off ate just ate your tuscan chicken first off ate your Tuscan chicken. First off, ate your Tuscan chicken.

And your popcorn. Dude, he got popcorn. This is Zach, dude. He got fucking popcorn. She was like, you got fries? And she was like, we don't have fries. We have truffle popcorn, though. And he says, oh, yeah, I get that.

Who the fuck gets truffled popcorn as a substitute for fries? You should be fucking shamed for even trying to substitute it. And he was like, yeah, I'll get that. And then she brought the thing without the popcorn. He says, oh, where are the fries? And she said, well, you mean the popcorn? He said, oh, yeah. And then she left and he said, what?

And I said, you got fucking truffled popcorn, man. Anyway, we love pranking babies. We love pranking babies. That's what we do. All right, I'm going to do a mid-roll here. Would you only got one right here, right? Just the three of them? Okay.

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So download the Cash app and get your Cash card for free. Visit the Apple Store or Google Play Market now. And, of course, when you download the Cash app and enter the referral code, congrats, do that for all that. And you'll receive $5, and the cash app will send five dollars to the times up legal defense fund it's a true win-win for everybody so come on my babies let's get it going cash app seed geek and also Robin Hood you guys you know you know what I'm saying my babies oh whoops I forgot to do something dude I'm sorry guys you dude I promised you

something last episode and I forgot to do something i did three ads anyway we're having a good time here you know what i mean here in the congratulations so we ate zach's lunch and uh that's some that's some shit that chicks would never do imagine chicks ordering and then being like, let's get another round. And then the girl goes, I'm going to get a Starbucks. And then the girls just go like, let's eat her fucking food. And then imagine that happening. And then the girl coming back and being like, what the heck?

They didn't order. And we're like, we canceled it. And the girl would be like, okay, well, that's kind of weird. But okay. I wasn't part of that decision. But okay. Should have been a consensus, but okay. And then imagine on the plane.

First of all, imagine on the plane they weren't sitting together. Would never happen. Girls will be together no matter what. And then imagine them texting each other and being like, hey, guess what? Guess what, Rebecca? What? something i need to tell you remember do you remember when we went we said you went to starbucks and we decided to cancel we said we decided to cancel the food yeah guess what we ate a bitch anyway when we get home let's watch under the tuscan Sun.

Yeah, dude, but I've always been fucking gangster like that, eating people's food, you know? I've always been gangster like that, dude. Gimme. You know what I'm talking about? Gimme. Because I... Yeah, man, one time, dude, I think it started when I was a kid. Because when I was a kid, we were at this... We had this Batmobile toy that was this shit it was just a batmobile it was a fucking batmobile was like that big it was yay big my brother and i would play with it and we were always fighting

over it now i here's something here my dad fucked up my dad fucked up royally here's how he fucked up he goes like this. You know what? So they don't fight, I'm going to get them another Batmobile and they can just play with the Batmobiles. Now, you might not know how he fucked up already, but I do.

I do. So he brought back the Batmobile and he said, now, now you've got two. You'll never fight over them again. And guess what? We fought over the new one. Dude.

Hey, dad, you fucked up. If you're going to get one new Batmobile, you get two new Batmobiles and then you get rid of the old one because now this is, of course, some spoiled brat shit, but let me tell you something, dude. Of course, we're going to want

the fucking new one. The other one had like a, the headlights came up and only one kind of came up and the other one was kind of janky. I told him last night. I was like, yeah, you fucked that up, huh? And he was like, what?

I was trying to do a nice thing. I was like, that's so you to try to do it like that, but fuck it up. You know? It's deeper. And it's deeper issues. It's deeper. And so, yeah, that was it. But we were prepared, man man my dad used to hang my dad used to

hold uh things out like my toys out of the crib and i would be like just out of reach and i'd be trying to get my mom be like what the fuck are you doing and he would be like i'm preparing him for life he can't get everything he wants literally so now one time dude i i was my brother was in his crib my dad says he has a memory of this and he watched it and he'll never forget it and my brother was holding on to the crib just like this like just holding on to the crib just standing up like you know babies always look like they're busting a nut because they can't ever stand still or whatever and they're just like fucking like this and so he was holding on to the crib and my dad said i walked by and just

went boop boop and knocked his hands over and he fucking fell on his ass that's what's up dude don't put that shit right in my face i'll knock you down dude i there is nothing i used to like more when i was a kid than fucking making my brother fall down it It was so dick, dude. I would knock my brother down all the time. I, you know what I used to love doing? I don't, I wonder if there's anybody out there that used that love doing this shit, but I used to love doing this. I used to take the big pillow. I used to take, first of all, I used to take the little pillows and I used to rocket them at my brother's head when he started walking and he would, I would love to try and get it just god i'm a fucking lunatic i would love to get it to just like just the amount to where i'd i'd throw it not hard enough but not too light that it would hit his head and he would like teeter for a little bit and he tried

to catch his balance until he fell down i used to get that sweet spot till he would take like i used to see like how many steps he would have to take before he fell down. I think I got to like seven once. He was just like, no, no, no, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And then gong, right? So when he got bigger, I used to – I was like, oh, these pillows, they don't work anymore. Fuck that, dude. Daddy got crafty. I took the fucking pillows you used to sit on.

Dude, I wouldn't take those bitch-ass throw pillows. Fucked out. My brother thought he was going to get too big. Well, I'm getting the pillows that we fucking sit on bitch that's what we're doing we're getting the pillows with the zipper on it and we're gonna rocket those because now i'm big i could carry those dude and i would rocket those big ass pillows i'd make them take seven or eight eight steps to sayonara's ville dude that's it oh you're taking a fucking are you going are you going to going to fucking... Hey, dude, how about this, man? Hey, Lenocci.

Hey, how about my... Are you my opener, dude? You better get your passport card because you're traveling over the border to fucking Sayonara'sville. That's what you're doing, dude. That's what you're doing. Hey, take a trip.

Hey, get your passport card. Here you go. Have a fucking fun time. Sayonara... Dude, I would fucking... He would take so many fucking steps over to sayonara'sville man and then he loved it too he would laugh so hard don't get me wrong man i didn't make him cry one time i did because the zipper hit his eye it was fucking awful that's pretty much the last time i did that my mom got real mad at me i was like my it was a zipper i

just rocket the pillows to his head i didn't know the zipper was going to hit his eye. And she was like, you can't rocket pillows to your fucking three-year-old brother's head. I was like, well, stop getting them so big. I'm using the fucking pillow. Pretty soon I'm going to throw rocks at this motherfucker. I'm going to take the whole bed frame and just push it over on him. I loved making my brother fall down. How cute was it having fucking brothers?

Dude, how cute are kids, man? There's a video of us walking up the driveway, and I had a fucking stick, and I was like, I'm an old man. And my dad was like filming. I was like, oh, you're an old man, huh? And then my brother's right behind me, and he doesn't have a stick, but he was just like, I'm an old man, too. And I'm like, man, you got to get the fucking stick, asshole. Like I still look at that tape and I'm like, that's so shitty that he just tried to copy my shit but didn't even take the fucking, like didn't actually get the stick. Come on, dude.

I do the work, dude. That's why I knocked your ass over with the fucking pillows, bro. You deserved it. You know, you didn't deserve a pillow in your eye but I mean a fucking zipper in your eye but don't don't use this use a stick otherwise you're gonna go to fuck you got a a one-way ticket to sayonara

isville dude I love my brother I got I love my brother I got him ready for real life dude you know if you're gonna come see me go to kristalia.com and uh that's it it's disrespecting you for a little bit you got to keep you guys on your toes i'm talking and then all of a sudden you had to hear it and you had to hear it and that's fine dude because this is this is what life is you know fuck man i love my life you know it's so cool that i get to do what i want to do i put out a tweet the other day that i get to do what i want to do for a living dude i'm so fortunate

and i'm so happy and i'm so grateful thank you for all everyone who ever has come to a show it really makes me feel really good that i get to do this and we'm so grateful. Thank you for everyone who ever has come to a show. It really makes me feel really good that I get to do this. And we're all in this together. We're trying to fucking build this log cabin and get this cult going. And I got a cult. Because honestly, yeah, pull up some questions.

Because honestly, it gets hard out there, man. Sometimes you put out a tweet and people fucking come at you and say like, you suck, you know? But as long as i got the fucking cult going strong it's on baby i tweeted some shit about that rock star video game thing that red dead redemption and everyone got so mad i guess i misworded it you know i was trying to uh say that uh people don't really care if they're tweeting and that's all they're doing.

But I realized too, after I tweeted it, that movements do exist. And I guess I, I mean, I know that, but I didn't really think about it. It is weird how you can, I mean, outrage culture is fucking crazy and it's definitely gone too far, but you can really start a movement just by tweeting. It's fucking weird, huh? You never used to be able to do that. That's why everyone would get away with shit you know um uh so yeah i mean people are upset with everything like i was making fun of fucking takashi on seven and uh i started i i say like that she's so fucking sexy there's something so

sexy about her you know and i started calling her jumanji part two uh and people are like hey somebody was like it's not bad to be a woman you shouldn't make fun of it it's like yeah dude okay i'm also making fun of his name like i'm just being silly you know it's like you should literally just look at those tweets and just be like just look at those tweets read every one of my tweets, and remember... I love the guy in the background, too. He has no idea what he's saying. Oh, it's so funny when you realize the guy in the back. Rio Lonzo.

Huh? Dude, he's so... Huh? Dude, he's so... You know, it's so funny too, because he's actually... You can tell in his, huh? Do you hear that? Listen to this. You hear that, huh? I know what that huh is.

That huh is, oh, wait. Is this... That guy's... It's a racist, huh? He thinks... Oh, is this like some black guy thing? Is he saying, and then he probably realized that he's saying that ain't no problem. But he was like, oh, is this a new black thing I don't know about? That's what he's doing.

That ain't no problem. That ain't no problem. Huh? That ain't no problem. He's like, oh, this black guy's doing the black thing? That's so racist, dude. Huh? I can tell, bro. I'm good, man. Guy's racist. Just based off a huh. ain't no problem he's like oh this black guy's doing the black thing that's so racist dude huh i can tell bro i'm good man guy's racist just based off uh-huh um yeah let's start some questions

my baby sometimes we get going with the questions um is that was that who he was talking to skip bayless have you ever seen skip bayless's instagram first of all skip bayless what are you did somebody draw you are you a fucking superhero are you an alter ego? Look at Skip Bayless, dude. Skip Bayless will be like, he does that thing Mark Wahlberg does, waking up and getting at him and it's like 3.10 in the morning. Dude,

how hard does Skip Bayless have an orgasm, by the way? Skip Bayless has an orgasm so hard that he blacks out afterwards for fucking 12 seconds and then he wakes up and he's just like, holy shit. And he's like, turn on the Dolphins game. Dude, Skip Bayless wakes up so fucking. I bet he wakes up. Look at Skip Bayless, dude.

The way he, we got to Google this guy. When he wakes, this is how he wakes up. He wakes up and he goes like this. He goes like fucking yes. Like he's excited for another day. Guys like that are crazy. Anyway, let's start some questions. Skip and Shannon.

A little problem. Just goes. That's so funny. A little problem. Skip Bayless. I woke up three. Uh, that's so funny. Skip Bayless. I woke up three. Um, Austin Lopez at Austin Lopez. What toppings do you get on your pizza, bro?

You can get a bunch of toppings, but we don't get as fucking any fruit. Dude, fuck this pineapple bullshit. You get pepperoni. I get that. And then I also like to get a veggie shit. I like to get the veggie. And then I like, well, also, why are you fucking asking me this? Who cares? You really give a fuck what I put on my pizza? Pepto-Bismol. You really give a shit? What am I? What are you, a fucking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? You give a shit about pizza this much?

Why is it a discussion? What toppings you get on your pizza? Fucking, you know what I get? Car parts. How about that? All right, what else? People are, you're not, like, how about when people call dog boners lipstick? Well, Trevor Mess 23, well, it looks like that, you know? It looks like that every time I twist my dog's dick, the lipstick comes out it lips like i do that i do you have to manually do it i go to my dog and i go and i open and i twist his penis and it comes out anyway i'll never be running for fucking mayor um

oh i mean come on bro look at this guy trying to be fucking cute with the thoughts on people who take a shit in a urinal? Bro, what? Where are you, Guatemala? What are you talking about? Imagine you walked into a fucking Diamondbacks game bathroom. Like when they're playing Diamondbacks. And you're just like, gotta take a piss. Oh, my God.

And he's sitting there taking a fucking rump in a in a urinal just like and i he would be doing that and i would be the fucking skip bailiff one time i went to go take a piss uh and i was peeing next to the guy by the way let me tell you something girls you probably don't know this And guys don't talk about this a lot. They don't talk about this a lot. But you, urinals suck. They suck. Do you know how much piss is on my jeans and shoes?

Because it always fucking bounces back. It splashes back. Hey girls, just so you know, guys have piss all over their jeans and shoes. Always, always dude. If you see any urinal everywhere across the nation,

probably across the globe, except for in Asia, because they shit in a hole. There's piss lakes under them. You have to literally stand far back so you don't stand in piss while you're pissing. And that is a problem. That is a problem. That is a problem.

That ain't no problem. No, that is a problem. That ain't no problem. That ain't no problem. So, so yeah so it always splashes back so i always opt to go for the fucking stall you know but then sometimes i stand far back and i stood far back one time i did it and the guy goes like this hey i was like a kid though and he was like hey man you want to get a little closer or what like he was all mad i was like i said what are you talking about he thought i was trying to look at his dick. You know? Hey, guy.

That guy. You have another question or is that it? Those are some fucking bunk-ass questions. One Fire's not doing his job. What are your thoughts on the Harlem Globetrotters? Dude, have you ever seen? They're the shit. Giacomo Spatola. Spatola.

Italian? The Harlem Globetrotters are the shit they do all sorts of tricks and shit what is it during the all-star game or something I don't know man who are they what do they do you know what the Harlem Globetrotters are such an 80s thing like they're probably still around today

because they have like Harlem Globetrotter purists but like they had the ball that was rainbow and the things They're probably still around today because they have Harlem Globetrotter purists. But they had the ball that was rainbow and the things. And they used to do trick stuff and play trick players. I remember as a kid thinking, why don't they play in the real league? They're so much better than regular basketball players. Because they could do all the tricks.

As a kid, I didn't understand. I was like, well, fucking Michael Jordan can't do those bouncing off the ball things. They can't twist around and do a fucking thing. They don't even trampoline for the shit. Look at these guys' names. Curly Johnson. Is there a fucking 80s name more

than Curly Johnson? Unbelievable. They used to fucking play the Hollywood Girls. And they would play. Didn't they have like a team that would play against them always? Washington Generals. And they would always be like the bitches. They'd let them play against them.

And the Washington Generals would be the bitches. And Hollywood Girls would just fucking work them. Hubert Osby. I mean, these names. Paul Gaffney. Paul Showtime Gaffney. They all had names with them, you know? Hubert Geese Osby.

That's a bad one. Geese, you know? Showtime Boo was one of his names. Curly Boo Raw. Oh, man man so cool for kids though man kids loved the harlem globetrotters i love the harm world i didn't even like basketball like the harlem globetrotters um as a kid i wanted to be a harlem globetrotter look at the acting that they do it's like wwf uh but uh anyway um i think they're cool man i like guys like that like guys that have fun you know that's what sports should be fuck all this

competition you know do you see the rondo and uh chris paul dude how sneaky was rondo when he did that fucking i thought it was chris paul's fault and then he saw the slowed down shit that the rocket sent in to the officials bro rondo fucking spit on chris paul oh man what is this far and away that movie i think tom cruise did that once in that movie but rondo fucking spit in chris paul and then chris paul put his finger in his face by the way chris paul don't do that punch bro he was so mad he didn't know what to do he was like i shouldn't i shouldn't punch but i'll push my finger in his face bro you should have punched him as hard as you possibly could if he spit in his face because it would have still been his fault man that's

crazy dude rondo's a sneak fuck you know for doing And he had his, the best part was, too, when he spit, he had his hands on his hips like he was like, What? I'm not doing that. Not a problem. And then Chris Paul went, Huh? And mushed his finger at his face. What's that? Okay. Evan Crother.

At Crother underscore Evan. How about frenemies? Yeah, I go on my podcast sometimes because i'm fucking disrespectful to you but um and that's being respectful you know that being disrespectful is being respectful because it's me being my true self how about yeah frenemies that that saying is so dumb what does it mean your enemies okay is that what you mean the guy said like just enemies right yeah i guess or is it like a friendly like uh ribbing thing or is it like you hate somebody but you got to keep them close what even is a frenemy that's a stupid thing i don't like when people put cute words together just because they rhyme or whatever you know like what's another one like that um oh you know what's like that fucking when girls named ashley think it's cute to call themselves

smashley uh ho you're a ho smashley you know how many dude if your name is smash ashley and you and your friends call you smashley get new friends and if it was your choice and your life um yeah dude smashley uh so not cute and original also how long you gotta do that for to your hello disrespecting on you motherfuckers. I'm not getting enough oxygen, that's for sure. I just added a show in San Antonio. Tickets on crystalia.com.

I got a second show in San Antonio backing up that fucking Brinks truck, dude. Oh, shit. Where's the Dunbar? Where's the Dunbar truck? I got some Las Vegas, San Ynez. Got some coming up. Windsor, Ontario, San Antonio.

Farting on you motherfuckers. You understand me? Straight up fucking farting on you motherfuckers. That's it. That's the only questions we got. Well, we may end early, man. You guys are a fucking good group of babies. But I'll tell you what though You know what it is man

It's like every episode Sometimes it's gonna be longer than an hour Sometimes it's not gonna be longer than an hour Sometimes it's gonna be shorter than an hour Sometimes it's gonna be an hour You know what I mean But I love it dude I love you guys

Yeah I tell some stories I fucking kick it I guess we'll finish up dude It's been a fucking over 50 minutes You know I love it, dude. I love you guys. Yeah, I tell some stories. I fucking kick it. I guess we'll finish up, dude. It's been a fucking over 50 minutes, you know? Some of these episodes are going to be shorter, dude. What the fuck do you want, darling? How about a guy that calls a girl darling or sweetheart?

That's a sexist. All right. I'm going to head on out of here. Download the Cash app free on the App Store or Google Play Market. Enter rewards code congrats, get $5, and give $5 to Time's Up. Follow the leader. Buy tickets on crystalia.com. New dates for 2019 announcing soon.

We've got some merch that has been flying off the shelves, so go get some merch and represent the cult here. And subscribe, rate, and review the show. It really helps. Also, download my app. You can go on the App Store and just download Chris. Just type in Chris D'Elia, and you get the app. You get to see the podcast before anybody else. So thanks, guys.

Videos go up every Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and that's what's up. Thanks a lot. You guys are great. And remember, have a good one. Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations!

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