Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 92. Bruchdown

Episode Date: October 29, 2018

It's the 92nd episode! On today's show, Chris talks about how older video games are better than new video games. Also discussed: Halloween costumes, Scrooge McDuck, scary halloween noises, John Wayne, Benihana, & Streets of Rage. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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We're going to talk about this Cash App and why it's the number one finance app in the App Store a little bit later on in the show. But you can download the Cash App for free on the App Store or Google Play Market now. forgot it forgot to do the chings oh wow we just did the corner roll blah blah blah so that's what we're doing here we're backing up the motherfucking brink's truck you know how it goes and a lot of people are taking that brink's truck fucking metaphor and running with it so we we might switch on over to Dunbar. That's all I'm saying. You see those red and black van, not vans, trucks. You see those money trucks?

Well, we're in a new deal. You know that fucking we don't like to do what the other people do. So we're trying to get Dunbar. It doesn't really have a ring to it, does it? But it doesn't matter. Who gives a fuck about rings? We're live on my app right now, which means if you're hearing this and you're not on my app you've heard it after the people who have my app so you can go download my app right now so next time you

can hear and see this podcast before anyone else it's a day before um on the visual and it's uh like hours before on the audio so anyway um that's's it. And it is October. Man, it's going to be November already. You know how people always say that shit. They're always just like, wow, man, it's November. It's going to be November already. I can't believe it's May. Oh my God, is it already March? Wow, what the fuck? Yeah, months just happen as quick as they happen. And that's it. And maybe you're just not paying attention that's all and that's fine but you don't have to be like wow can't believe it's fucking december already because the year is always as long as the year is okay now there's also loomis armor trucks did you know

that so maybe we're backing up loomis maybe we're backing up loomis trucks maybe that's what we're doing we don't know we don't really subscribe to one company when they have to fucking dump out money on driveway. Do you know what I mean? But you know, whoever's going to come in an armored truck or if it's going to come in an armored truck and I'm like that fucking Scrooge McDuck guy just diving in a fucking big pile of coins, by the way, would hurt himself so much if he did that. Remember that ducktail shit? He would just dive in. He would he had a diving board and he would dive into a bunch of gold coins and then come up and just spit

nickels out and coins out. He would be dead. Also, he was fucking 80. If an 80-year-old really dove into a bunch of coins in a vault like that, he would fucking... First of all, he wouldn't be able to do the backstroke like how Scrooge McDuck can do it.

But he would die immediately. So that's just a little bit of your realness of your – oh, they did it in Family Guy. That's funny where he dives in the thing and he breaks his – dude, every time I fucking say something, Family Guy already did this shit. It's because it's been on for 11 years it sucks um so anyway uh so anyway so why even try comedy wise you know what fuck it i quit i quit i quit i quit you remember that fucking part in that thing we do? Doing that thing you do? Wow, that was so funny. I want to quit like that guy quits in that thing you do. No matter what I'm doing, I want to quit like that.

No matter what it is in my life. I wish I had a fucking regular job sometimes just so I can go in and be like, I quit. I quit. I can go in and be like, I quit. I quit. Dude, imagine if you walked into your job or you were like working at the bank and you're just like, you know what? And your boss was like, we really need this to happen. And you're just like, I quit. I quit. I quit. Oh man, that guy would be my hero. I would follow that guy to the ends of the earth. Do you understand?

And that's what I want to do. Follow me to the end of the earth while I'm stamping. I quit. I quit. Anyway, I got a question for you guys right now. Are you guys feeling spooky? Because you know what's coming up? Halloween.

You know what the most annoying? Oh, God. There are so many annoying things about Halloween. I've been thinking about Halloween a lot lately, obviously because it's Halloween coming up and shit like that. Look, Halloween, let's just say past 10, stop. But also, I get it if you want to dress up up fine especially if you're a chick and you want to show your titties and you're like today's the day i get to be a slut without people shaming me and being a slut i am a sexy doctor imagine if a doctor came in and fucking worked on you by the

way and had their tits all falling out you know you'd be like um i'm gonna die and i'm only in here for a sprained ankle take two of these and call me in the morning honking the titties um simmature so anyway um but halloween is like it's like for chicks and kids you know know, if you're a dude, dude, if you're a dude and you're like, you know what? Oh, man, there's so much stuff about it. That's annoying. That is just like, first of all, here's what's got to go. Whenever I step out of my house in the faint distance, I can hear this fucking thing. And I don't know why you bought.

I don't know where you get it. CVS, Savon, ShopRite, wherever the fuck. This fucking thing is always way in the background. But who thought this was spooky? I can't even. Fucking this shit is always somewhere on Halloween. and it just goes all night dude what is it how are the people that bought that for however much what is probably like 995 how are the people that bought that not losing their fucking minds? Just sitting, watching The Bachelor or whatever in their living room waiting for fucking five-year-olds to be trick-or-treating with their single parents.

Just, oh, ding-dong, oh, oh, oh, here's your Mounds bar by the way what are we doing who wants that if you want to get a fucking fake uh uh paper mache graveyard and and and and hang it all up cool man but but like you know those the noises are the, you know, I just don't under, that's the most annoying thing. And it's not even scary or spooky. It's literally just, Oh, and you can hear them no matter where you,

where you are. You, you walk out your house is way in the distance. Even if you live in the field with nothing around. And you're like, where the fuck is that? Imagine being that person's neighbor, dude. I'd get a louder one. I'd get a louder one.

And just turn. I'd get so many. And I'd put the fucking air horn next to it. And it would just be like. In their bedroom. I'd oh, in their bedroom. I'd point it in their bedroom. Scary, huh? And then when they open up the window, I'd be like, what the fuck?

I'd be like, spooky, huh? By the way, there's a five-year-old that needs a Mounds bar downstairs. Dude, that above all else has got to go on Halloween, all right, that's got to go, okay, here's the other thing, dude, as funny as your Halloween costume can be, no, don't do it, do a vampire, this is my whole thing, be a vampire, be a cowboy, be a fucking spooky ghost, thing be a vampire be a cowboy be a fucking spooky ghost be a mailman do you know what i mean don't be i saw the like the guy had to put his head cut out on a fucking table and a lamp next to it and he was a one night stand like a one night stand like that just is just like oh this is how hard i ground atan at that if I was at the party. Oh!

In that guy's face. Oh, come on! That's what I would do. Then I saw, and they always think that like, someone will take a picture and then post it and then be like, Halloween's over. Halloween's canceled. This guy, best costume ever. One guy was dressed up as like a chick and over. Halloween's canceled. This guy. Best costume ever. One guy was dressed up as like a chick and he had a name tag.

By the way, anytime you need to have a name tag for a costume, go home. Think of a new costume. Be a fucking UPS guy instead. Alright? But they go... So he had a name tag that says Eileen and he had fucking a bunch of white stuff all over his face.

And it was – and he was – it was come on, Eileen. Like so bad and not funny and not creative. And also a gross. Guy looked like a fucking glazed donut. So bad. So that shit's got to go. The cute, funny outfits, not funny. Guys dressing up as girls thinking, funny outfits, not funny. Guys dressing up as girls

thinking it's funny, not funny. Just get out there. I don't know. I never... But if you got a kid and shit, good. That's awesome. That's awesome. That's when Halloween is fun for you. You go, you take your kid out, you trick or treat, you know, and even the fucking. Because you're like, oh, that's spooky, huh? Yeah. What is that noise, dad? Oh, well, it's spooky. You know what it either is?

It's either a spooky haunted house or it's a guy, some fucking asshole who went to CVS and bought this goddamn thing for $9.95 and is annoying the shit out of the neighbors, including us. So either way, go get your fucking Mounds bar, Peter. Either way, go get your motherfucking 100 grand bar. Is that what it was? Go get your goddamn Kit Kats, you fucking piece of shit, and let's hurry up and hopefully we get over to October 31st soon.

Come on. Go. By the way, it's 6 a.m. I mean 6 p.m. I love it how when you're a real young kid, you got to start trick-or-treating when it's like 4.30 p.m. because you got to go to bed at 7. But anyway, how about the kids that are like too old, you know? I can't wait.

But anyway, how about the kids that are like too old, you know? I can't wait. By the way, I've never lived in a neighborhood where people would knock on my door or ring my door for fucking treats and shit. But I can't wait until that happens. And I want to get the kids that are too old and just be like, hey, bro, what are you doing? You're too old for this. Go fucking change and let's just hang out. You know, you got candy, bro.

You're fucking 15. Hey, instead of that, go home. Let's go cruise for chicks. Hey, dude, instead of that, let's just hang out and watch the UFC fight. My wife and shit giving him candy. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That shit's for younger kids. This fucking guy right here, we're going to chill.

This guy thinks that he's fucking cool with Halloween. Nah, I'm going to show him how we do Halloween. You get in here. We're giving fucking mounds bars out to other younger kids because you're fucking too old, dude. You shaved once already um i can't wait to do that and then and i can't wait to fucking be like when a kid when a guy thinks his costume is good to be like not good costume dude you get half this candy bar here here's half the candy bar you ain't shit go go your parents should have raised you better you get your

fucking come on eileen get out of here dude um yeah but halloween is cool in like the warmer states so because you don't have to wear that fucking jacket over your superman outfit you know i mean that's such a hacky comedian joke but it's true you had to wear your fucking i always had to wear a coat i remember i was the punisher one year and my mom was like but you got to wear a jacket i'm like mom the punisher doesn't wear i was like I always had to wear a coat. I remember I was the Punisher one year. And my mom was like, but you got to wear a jacket. I'm like, well, the Punisher doesn't wear. I was like, okay, mom, do you have a long brown trench coat with a fucking dope collar on it with bullet holes in it? She was like, no. And I was like, well, then I'm not wearing my fucking New York Jets starter jacket over my, my hey you know what the Punisher never wore

a fucking New York Mets starter jacket with a hood a Rangers a fucking Rangers a a New York Rangers shiny starter jacket I had all those I had the New York Jets I had the New York Mets and then I had the shiny Rangers these were all different all those. I had the New York Jets. I had the New York Mets. And then I had the shiny Rangers. These were all different times in my... I wasn't like... But like, you know? Oh my, you want me to wear a fucking poncho? Nah.

I should have dressed up as the fucking guy from... That Arnold Schwarzenegger movie then, in the beginning, where he fucking throws the axe at him. What's that fucking... The one where he's in the movie? Last Action Hero, yeah. I haven't get rid of.

Coming in for the save. Yeah, dude. I, by the way, love Last Action Hero. That movie was the shit. The kid in it was a bad actor. Whatever happened to that kid? What is he... Oh what's he was he got like a print shop somewhere what's his name austin of course his name is austin austin o'brien see that kid wow hey dude that kid couldn't look more he's like he's in a boy band how How old is he now? So he's 37?

Dude, he's my age? Oh, that kid nailed it. That kid, you know what? He was fucking, that whole movie was silly and goofy, but that kid, everybody was kind of bad in that movie. But Arnold Schwarzenegger was the shit. But he stopped acting. Oh, no, no, no. Is he still acting?

Oh, he's still doing it. Oh, he's in Bones? Go down more. 2015 was his last shit. All our yesterdays., no. Is he still acting? Oh, he's still doing it. Oh, he's in Bones? Go down more. 2015 was his last shit. All Are Yesterdays. Unnamed. Nowhere Road. I mean, these are all fucking... These are the worst titles of anything I've ever heard in my life. This guy was in

All Are Yesterdays. By the way, all of these... I swear to God, all of these titles that he's in since 2009, all of these movies, I have no idea what these movies are about, but I am guaranteeing you all of these movies, somebody dies of cancer in them. Guarantee, with all these titles. I've never seen more dying of cancer-ass movies than these fucking titles right here. All Are Yesterdays, of course.

Some guy dies of leukemia. Nowhere Road, of course. Yesterday's, of course, some guy dies of leukemia. Nowhere Road, of course, they've got a home with a bunch of acres and he fucking dies of, definitely dies of cancer. Defining Moments, absolutely an old guy dies of cancer in that right there. And he's like learning shit. The kid's learning shit through that. Rain from Stars.

By the way, anytime you've got the word stars in your title, at least one, probably multiple people dying of cancer in that movie. And then in 2009, this is where it started. This is the place. And the place is a place where people die from cancer. And I'll tell you what, that was when he said, he's like, oh, I really like doing that movie about cancer. He told his agents, like, you got any cancer movies? And it was like, well, as a matter of fact, we have Rain from Stars. We've got Defining Moments. And we've got Nowhere Road. And he's got All Our Yesterday as a matter of fact, we have Rain From Stars. We've got Defining Moments. And we've got Nowhere Road.

And he's got All Our Yesterdays. And he says, line me up for the next six years. I guess I'm losing weight for my next role. But it also wasn't him always dying of cancer. It was like his mom. Dude, that's crazy. They always come out with a movie. By the way, I did one.

But they always come out with that movie where the guy's dying of cancer. The girl's dying of cancer. And fucking every eight months there's a movie and it's just like. Live your life like you've never lived it before. Life is just a bunch of moments all strung together. Making this summer. No, no, no. It's never in the summer. Strung together. Making. This summer. No, no, no.

It's never in the summer. This November because you're depressed. Life as we know it. I mean, that's got to be a movie where a guy's dying of cancer. Life as we know it. And Michael Caine's in it. Oh, by the way. You guys never fucking responded in it. I'll do it. By the way, you guys never fucking responded to this.

I sent it to the group chat. Remember when I talked about in episode 32, I think it was, Maurice McElwight, about how he's like always like it doesn't matter, I'll do it. How about this soundbite

from Michael Caine that somebody sent to me recently? I did a whole episode about how Michael Caine was just like, I'll do it. It doesn't matter. I'll do it. And they're like, hey, we've got a movie about it. And he's like, I'll do it. I'll do it. And then somebody sends me this shit.

And I said, will you do it? I didn't even read the script. I said, yeah, I'll do it. Oh! Your boy's a clairvoyant. Your boy's a fucking clairvoyant. I said, will you do it? I didn't even read the script. I said, yeah, I'll do it.

Oh, admitting it. And they sent me the script, and I didn't say, I don't even need to read it. I said, yeah, I'll do it. Literally said, I'll do it. Your boy's a fucking clairvoyant, dude. Who am I, kreskin who am i that fucking lady with with the phone with the what was that what is her name cleo with the too many earrings ah who am i the lady with the too many earrings this is called cleo ah dude that's crazy. Oh.

Yes. Yes. Replying to my travel agent. Because I'm disrespectful. Look at that. You don't believe me? Oh, you don't fucking believe me that I'm rep. Look at that. You don't believe me? Oh, you don't fucking believe me that I'm replying to my travel agent? Dude.

Okay. Well, check this out. Live on air. I ain't got no motherfucking friends. That's why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker. Anyway, what is the evolution of cool?

You just showed me something oh Michael oh one fire is going back to Michael King website dude he's got a thing what's evolution of cool did we talk about that oh evolution of cool skak

I'll throw it I'll throw it I'll throw it does it take time I'll do it. Okay, would you like to open up a charity? I'll do it. Does it take time? I'll do it. Just loves... Would you like to... I've got one question for you. Does it take time?

Yes? I'll do it. Okay. I won't do anything that doesn't take time. But everything takes time. You got it. Exactly. That's what he says. Does it take time? Yes. Then I'll do it. You don't have time. But everything takes time. You got. Exactly. That's what he says. Does it take time? Yes. Then I'll do it.

You don't have to ask me if I'll do it. If it takes time. But everything takes time. Exactly. I'll do it. I didn't even read the script. I was like, yeah, I'll do it. Wow, dude.

That's amazing. That blew my mind. When I saw that, a fan tweeted it to me and I went like this. By myself. Anyway, dude. Yeah. So those are the things about halloween what else man um you know the i mean there's gonna be so many people the things that happen at halloween it was like you know everyone's gonna go as the fucking things where it's like you're such a fucking hoe i. Everyone's going to go as those guys. Lil Pump and Kanye West. Everyone's going to go as Tekashi69.

You know, it's just like, you know, you're going to get dressed up as Tekashi69 and then go out and see everybody fucking dressed up. Tekashi69, you're going to look like a bunch of assholes. It's going to be like the scene in The Matrix with all the bad guys except everyone's Tekashi69. I'm going to go as Neo. You know what, dude? That's what I'm going. If I ever get dressed up from now on, oh, everyone's going as Post Malone, by the way. That's the thing I'm going

to do. When I go next Halloween, because it's too late now. I'm not into it. It's Wednesday. But I'm going to dress up as Neo. That's what I'm going to do. And then I'm going to go in, and whoever's dressed up as the most people, I'm going to beat the shit out of all them, and I'm going to pretend like it's the Matrix. Everybody's dressed like Post Malone. Everyone's getting fought. Everyone's dressed as Tekashi69. Everyone's getting fought. And then I want somebody to film it, and then I want to cut it together and make it look like that fucking part in Matrix 2 when Neo is beating the shit out of all those guys who talk like this Mr. Anderson. What was the movie where the guy's name was Anderton?

what was the movie where the guy's name was anderton was that fucking um that was uh the tom cruise movie with the cogs right where he predicts the crimes in the future minority report dude when they it that's the kind of shit that drives me dude this is so funny like minority i think it's minority report right is that the character's name anderton he plays the guy who's last name anderton right dude just call him anderson okay don't make it different that's not a last name dude it's anderson and somebody's like you know what i'm gonna change it to Anderton. Give it a little spice. Oh, it's not spice. First of all, you got Tom Cruise as the lead. We love him, but spice ain't what you're going for.

Just call him fucking, you know, Jim Jones. That's the thing about fucking what's-his-name that used to be good. John Wayne. Every fucking character he played, wasn't it named John? Bro, that's the shit, man. We gotta get back to that. The Rock? Every character he plays should be the something.

Hey, the... Hey! This summer, The Rock is the train. Coming soon, Chicka-choo-choo. This summer, the rock is the tornado. This summer, the rock is the bulldozer. And then he just does too many, and he's just like,

this summer, the rock is the lamp. And we're like, what? What's this? These are the characters that John Wayne played. Look at this shit shit this is the best okay stay right there John Blair John Ashley John Claiborne John Tipton John Delmont John Middleton like why even change the last name John Dawson John Wyatt John Wyatt posing as John Rogers. John Mason, John Scott posing as John Jones, you know. John Martin, John Higgins, and then Chris Morrill.

They were like, you know, let's try something different. Then they realized, you know what, too much. Went back to John Tobin. Then they're like, well, but that didn't do well either because his career was probably dying. And they're like, how about Rod Drew? And then that didn't work well either because his career was probably dying. And they were like, how about Rod Drew? And then that didn't work again. John Travers.

And then Randy Bowers. John Weston. John Carruthers. Tom Hayden posing as Gant. What the fuck is this shit? What is this like when someone writes a book and they don't go under their regular pen name? Is that what it is? That's actually the shit.

I want to get so famous that I'm like, hey, oh, that's actually, you know what? That's a new goal of mine. I want to get so famous that i'm like hey oh that's actually you know what that's a new goal of mine i want to get so famous that's what why aren't these fucking stars doing some cool shit like that tom cruise bro you got so famous brad pitt that's what i would do mark walberg bro change it up okay listen yeah i want to do the movie but i want you to bill me as fucking john travers that's who i'm That's who I am playing whoever I'm playing. Be like, John Travers in Fast and the Most Furiouses. And they're like, what the fuck?

That's Mark Wahlberg. And he's like, no, it's not. Oh, that would be the shit. Jim Bugger, you know? That's what I want to be. I want to be Jim Buggerger as chris not nah people like new chrystalia movie i'm like what are you talking about they're like well yeah you got the new movie i was like no it's jim buggers i'm jim buggers in that movie i'm jim buggers playing

tim fuckhead i'm jim buggers playing Tim Fuckhead. In that movie. It's Chris... No, do not say that, dude. And if I do interviews, I'm either doing them as Chris Talia talking about Jim Buggers or I'm Jim Buggers. And you talk to me, you say Jim. But we talk about it and we set it up beforehand. That's how we do it. Why don't these motherfuckers have fun, dude? I don't get it.

We got to have more fun. These stars got to have more fun. Dude, you have everything. Go into a right, take a shit. What's going on? You have everything. Go into a right and take a shit. All right. Honey. Nobody wants to feel like they're overpaying while shopping online. Of course you don't because you're a person, you got a brain. But did you know that there's an easy way to always get the lowest price? It's true. It's called Honey, and everyone deserves to know about it. Honey is a free shipping tool that automatically saves you money by searching the Internet for the best promo codes whenever you shop online. That means you get the best deals without even trying on sites like Amazon, eBay, Walmart, Macy's, Domino's, and more.

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Made by Jaden Smith, by the way. Jaden Smith hooked up with G-Star Raw. This is just not a commercial, but I got the raw shirts like that. Texted Jade and, hey, buddy, your new shirts rock. And he said, thanks, my man. I already bought one. And I wrote that. And he said, thanks, my man. Then I bought two more. Then I realized afterwards, after I bought them, wonder why he didn't fucking send them to me after I texted him that I liked them. But it's all good. I'm not that famous. Maybe that's what it is. And he's Jaden fucking Smith. That's why too. How about that family, huh? That family is

amazing, dude. That family really is amazing. It's fucking crazy when you see like how well adjusted those people are and how famous they are. Will Smith and Jada and Willow and Jaden. It's just crazy. And the mom, Jada Pinkett's mom. Well, I mean, how old must she be? And she's slamming. I mean, she's got to be what? I mean, just Jada is what, 48? How old is her mom? How old's Jada? I mean, how old is Jada?

They're all slamming. The whole family's slamming. Will Smith is slamming. Jada is 47. Good guess, Chris. Thank you. You're welcome. And her mom is got to be 20 years older than that?

57, 67? I mean, how are you 67 and slamming Jordan with the slam did I ever tell you about that no dude when I was a kid I did when I was a kid

I did I went to I could never spend the night at my friend's house did I ever did I talk about this I was so scared yeah I would talk about how I was scared – I could never spend the night at my friend's house. Did I ever – did I talk about this? I was so scared. Yeah, I would talk about how I was scared. And I would never do sleepovers. And one time – there's two stories here actually I can tell.

One time – did I tell you about the Freddy Krueger story when I went over to Chris Siegel's house? Okay, look. I'm going to tell two stories. I think I already told one on the podcast, but I don't know. One time – well, this story – well, the first one isn't really a story, but I was too scared to, there was, I grew up in Montclair, New Jersey, and there was like the bad part and the good part. I lived in the good part, but there was like, I had friends in the bad part, and I wouldn't sleep over at my friend's house, even in the good part. I wouldn't even sleep over to my friend, Matt Trevenin, next door. And he was next door.

He lived next door to me and I would get scared. And I would fucking run home at night from yard to yard. And I'd be like, ding dong. And my mom would open the door. I'd be like, mom, I couldn't do it. What are you scared of? Everything, birds. and um and uh so so jordan justin mckinnon had a sleepover party and i was like i'll go for the party part but i'm not going for the sleepover because i can't do it because he lived in the

bad part of town i guess i which probably wasn't even the bad part of town but in my head it was a fucking lunatic kid and uh we watched psycho is what it was. That's the movie with the movie by Norman Bates. God, the director, Hitchcock. Jesus, Alfred Hitchcock is escaping me. My dad would fucking be mad at me for not knowing that. But anyway, not remembering that. I do.

I just didn't recall it, okay? So anyway, yeah, we would go over and we would watch Psycho. And my dad's like, well, I don't want you to watch Psycho. I was young. He was like, that's a fucking crazy scary movie. So I didn't watch it. But, oh, no, wait. I'm mixing up two stories.

Justin McKinnon would come over and play video games. And every time we'd play fucking video games, every time Michael Jordan would make a a slam dunk he'd be like jordan with the slam he would do that and he would just keep going jordan with the slam like high-pitched dude video games i wish i liked video games that red dead redemption shit came out and my friend's saying how fucking amazing it is and i just don't give a fuck by the way everybody's tweeting me pictures hey man you're in red dead redemption everybody in red dead redemption looks like me every time someone tweets me a different screenshot it's a fucking another guy i guess i look like a fucking wawa west degenerate it's always a guy too that's cowering hey thanks for that it's always a guy that's caroling to the fucking they're like sorry i don't know and he's got like a gun to his fuck six shooter to his head anyway

um so i i want to play video games but one time i was with my buddy this is how fucking this is the beginning of the devolvement of me by the way my. My buddy was, and I genuinely remember, I must have been 15, 16. My friend Brandon was playing video games, was playing a basketball game. And I was like, hey, man, pay attention to me. I need to tell you something. And he wasn't really paying attention to me. And I was trying to tell him something

and he wouldn't tell me something and he wouldn't listen. And I was like, pause the game. And he was like, hold on, man, I'm playing a basketball game. I was like, pause the game. And I was like, you better do it. And I remember I took my dick out and I was like, I'm going to pee on you if you don't pause the

game so I can tell you what I'm going to tell you because I need you to pay attention to me. And he says, nah, man, come on. And I said, listen to me. I'm going to pee on you. So now you know if you don't pause the game, you're going to get peed on. Therefore, if you get peed on, it's your fault. And he was like, come on, man. And he didn't pause it. And I peed on his pants. Yep. Have you peed someone else's pants, bro? I peed on his pants. I peed on his pants.

And he goes, what the fuck? And then he paused it. And I said, well, there you go. Now you pause it. You should have paused it fucking four seconds earlier. You wouldn't have a piss pants. And I remember thinking it's his fault because I told him what was going to happen. What a piece of shit I was, you know?

What a piece of shit. Convinced myself it was his fault that he got pissed on from my dick. But he paused it. That's how you get shit done. That's some Trump shit. I guarantee that's some Trump shit. That's what Trump does. Well, it's your fault.

I told you it was going to happen. Therefore, pissed on you. So then, yeah, so video games, I just don't, I don't care, dude. I even want to play Donkey, I

don't, even like the old ones, like the Mario Brother games, shit like that. I like kind of watching people play video games. Kind of. I don't want to play. But like the second you got to talk to another character in a video game, it's like I don't give a fuck. It's like, all right, we got to go talk to him, see what he has to say.

Nah, I want to shoot him in the head i want to uh you know the second games got to like when there was the games that started to be like ah but don't make a noise or you'll alert the guy like get the fuck out of here i want to jump on someone's head and then fucking transport to another world hey don't make a noise you might not want to use your gun for this one. Because then you'll alert all the other guards. Slide down the pole and tiptoe over and then choke them out. Hey, dude, this is a video game. I don't want it to be like how it would actually have to be for me if someone kidnapped my daughter and girl.

You know? No, but this is really what it's like for the fucking ball players you gotta fucking take a few cuts on the on deck circle to warm up it helps no no trade your players no no no no no no no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's basically going to that fucking restaurant where they, they, they have you cook it on the skillet, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you made the fucking restaurant, I go, you cook, that's it, don't even cook in front of me, don't do the fucking, hey, oh, flipping the shit, whoa, hey, flipping it on my plate, what's that fucking place, Benny Hanna, fuck you, fuck you, Benny, fuck you, Hanna, cook behind a wall, I don't want to see this shit, flipping it on my plate. What's that fucking place? Benihana? Fuck you. Fuck you, Benny. Fuck you, Hana. Cook behind a wall. I don't want to see this shit.

Fuck you, Benny. Fuck you, Hana. And also, I don't need to trade players in my video games, dude. The team sucks. The team sucks. Actually, no. Every team's the goddamn same. They're just a different color. How about that?

You're the Jets? Green. You're the Broncos? Orange. No. You're going to trade John Elway? Go fuck yourself. No, you're not trading shit.

That's when I stopped listening about football, by the way. I have no idea who's on the Broncos. That's it. You're not trading shit. Oh, well, the stats aren't... Fuck stats, dude. I want a game. Or even if you try to have the crowd, you know, I want it to sound like. Like bad.

And I don't want the guy to say, first down. I want the guy to say, first down. That's what I want. First down. First down. I want the guy to say, That's what I want. That's what I want, dude. Home run. Home run. And when they run, it's like block tick, block tick, block tick, block tick. Why did they even add those sounds in the 80s?

Why the fuck would they even add the step sounds if they weren't real step? Block tick, block tick, block tick, block tick. A lot of you guys don't know because you don't play video games some of you guys are my age some of you guys are older you listen to my fucking podcast we got older babies and we got younger babies but some of you younger babies don't even know that they would fucking add steps and it would be like hey programmers it doesn't sound like

steps at all just put nothing i understand if you want to put home run because you know it kind of sounds like home run touchdown but and then the pain that was anytime you want anything some japanese guy would just like put the chords in dude the fucking games were so funny dude that streets are nothing did i ever talk about this streets of rage there was no dude there was i tell you what dude i put on the streets of rage fucking theme song for the sega genesis shit i put on that fucking song the other day and drove around with it that shit is gangster dude that shit is gangster got my girl in the car playing the fucking streets of rage theme song making her listening to it just fucking rolling around like we're about to find a fucking chain and a fucking pipe to beat the shit out of a guy with a mohawk and a raincoat on dude

because that's what the thugs look like in video game land. And these streets are purple brick, bro. And why are we on a bridge now for level six? You know? Why are we on a fucking bridge? There was always that video game where there was the bridge level. And you had to hop over the broken bridge. Like there were fucking cities that dilapidated that fixing a bridge wouldn't happen immediately. touchdown touchdown goddamn this fucking sound thing went off

touchdown that's when video games Touchdown. That's when video games... Let me play you this fucking streets... Let me tell you something, dude. Let me play you this Streets of Rage fucking theme song. And you tell me it's not better than anything ever that fucking any... That's come out in the last fucking nine years musically in hip-hop or anything, actually. You want to go to YouTube.com.

And I got YouTube Red because I'm a fucking – because I back up the Brinks truck and I got YouTube Premium now. Because that's how we fuck around here at Congratulations Studio. And I'll tell you what. It's only taken 92 episodes to get YouTube Red. Now, the internet is moving slow as shit. Now, does that make me mad? Yes. Now, is it one fire's fault?

Yes. Because I always tell them to fix the internet, and it doesn't work, and it's fine. Okay? I'm going to do ads again here, but I've got to fucking play this fucking Streets of Rage theme song. I'm going to play it on my phone. Also, every time I move my computer, it goes... So that's cool. So it's going to sound pretty shitty.

But let me play this fucking Streets of Rage song. Thong or song on my thing? Streets. Of course, now it works. Streets of Rage. Let me play this fucking video game. Here we go. Streets of Rage.

Here we go. Let me get the theme song here. Oh, wow. The Streets of Rage. I love when a video game is successful. They have so many sequels you have no idea about because you're older now. Theme. This song is so dope.

I wouldn't even disrespect this beat by fucking to it. You know what I would do to this? Sit alone in my chair and just chill. And just think about... Plot. I would plot

and fucking eat a banana. Oh. When that shit kicks in... Yup. Pops down. Home run. And then this part right here. The best part was the... Touchdown. Home run. And then this part right here.

The best part was the... Yep. Some Japanese guy. Just... Putting on a fucking Casio. The first one. And then when it goes... But there's another high part I think here. Something like that. Here it comes.

This is where you, yep. Fuck yeah, dude. On the night, on the town, dude, looking over to the stars. Fuck yeah, dude. Just jerking off. Just looking over at the city of angeles just jerking off pants down around the ankles plotting shirt on shirts too long you have to lift it up a little bit to jerk off just fucking and that's where you bust a nut on a plant and you look at some ants and you're like

gotta go home dude that's the shit. That fucking... Are you kidding me, bro? They should rap to that. So mysterious. It was a world where punks and ne'er-do-wells took over. There was a dilapidated bridge for more than one night, even though that would never happen in the world. Because any big city would take care of gaping holes in bridges.

Mr. X, of course, is his name, has taken over the world, and it's only up to you and one other black guy and a girl that nobody will play with to defeat Mr. X. And there will be a level where you have to get into an elevator and you don't move side-scroll anymore.

Guys just enter the elevator and beat the shit out of you. And the elevator keeps going up for way too many floors, even though no building in this city would be 100 floors. A Japanese guy made this song, obviously. There's been nothing more Japanese. Then naming a character, Alex. Oh, shit. And it's racist because we named the black guy something like Wrench.

Oh, shit. They don't even know they're racist in Japan. They're like, you know, people are racist against us, too. Fuck it. Call the black guy wrench. Um, oh, fuck. Holy shit, man. Fucking Streets of Rage is the shit. Dude, put, ah,

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I got the cash app and I use it all the time. And if you don't, then what are you doing? Dude, get with the program. Um, God, that streets of rage thing man it brings you back because that's the thing you used to listen to music a lot but you used to if you played video games you played why is this happening one fire it's annoying you played video games for a long time and that was a big part of your childhood,

and so that's really nostalgic. I'm going to play more of this Streets of Rage here. Or what other video games were like the shit? The video games. You guys tell me on Twitter, but what other video game theme songs were like your fucking nostalgic? Like, go listen to some of those. After this episode, go listen to some of those that are really nostalgic and make you feel, you know, back like you were in your parents' living room or whatever that made you.

Let me try and play another one here. Well, Streets of Rage 2. Okay, Streets of Rage 2. The exact same song. Same Japanese guy did it. I played Streets of Rage 2 also. And then there was three or four... Oh, remember when the bad guys died?

I mean, how many people? I don't know. It was a successful game. I don't know how many of you guys played it. But when the main bad guy died, the guy would go... Oh, and when they threw the guy, he would go... Oh, wow.

I remember that now. By the way, you know some shit's going down right there. This is when you know some shit's going down. You think everything... You're like, okay, well, what's going on? Some weird shit's going on. But then when this shit happens, you know some shit's going down. You think everything, you're like, okay, well, what's going on? Some weird shit's going on. But then when this shit happens, you know some shit's going down.

Oh, bro. That's when I'm looking out over the city and I take my dick out. And then the same song kicks in. Streets of Rage 2, exact same song, except they had the different beginning. And there we go. Get a fucking boner all over again,

looking out over the city. Start jerking off. Imagine jerking off to this song. Anywhere, not just looking over the city. In the car, rolling down fucking Sunset Boulevard, just jerking off in a convertible. Looking over at other people, dudes and chicks alike. They have no idea you're jerking off because the door's in the way.

And then fucking going into Pink Dot, dick all out, hard as fuck. Do you guys have almonds? They're like, yeah, we've got a bunch of raw almonds over there, even though they taste horrible, because who the fuck would ever buy raw almonds? Nice. And you take your fucking hard dick over there, and you look through the almonds, and you're just kind of jerking off.

And you're like, I'm going to get these fucking chipotle almonds. Then you go and you buy the chipotle almonds with your fucking dick out on the counter. And then you go into your convertible and you jerk off. You're going to eat fucking chipotle almonds. You're jerking off. Yep. So disrespectful. The streets are rich, too.

They're hard work. And I'm talking about jerking off with the fucking music over it. There's that fucking thing again. Oh. Oh, oh. They got a little funky. That little funky. That little funky fucking thing. That was like the black guy came in and he was like,

hey man, let me put this shit on. You got to funk it out a little bit. And the Japanese guy was like, what's your name, Rinch? This was the boss theme music. Oh, yep. I mean, so basic. Home run. Top down.

Every song in the 90down. This song. Every song in the 90s was this song. I mean, it's the same thing as Mortal Kombat. Wow, this is awesome, dude. Thanks for listening with me, you guys. Mortal Kombat theme song, 76 million views. YouTube. Same song, 76 million views. YouTube. Same song, only a little bit doper.

A little bit more victorious. Test your might. Wow. Wow. That whole... Dude, the fucking... So funny, dude. Just cancel the call on Brian Callen. Yeah, dude.

I love that the guy who actually said test your might was probably just like some fucking fat overweight white guy that's balding test your might and then the guy who screamed Mortal Kombat in the studio which is hilarious to think about some guy just like

alright you go to Mortal Kombat and he's just like in his studio I mean just some fucking regular ass pasty white guy alright here we go I got you go to the Mortal Kombat and he's just like in his studio. I mean, just some fucking regular ass pasty white guy just like, alright, here we go, I got a few of them. Mortal Kombat! In the fucking studio. The guy's like, nah, it's a little bitchy. You gotta sound more victorious. He was like, alright, here we go.

Mortal Kombat! Dude, you know? There's a guy who did that. You don't think about this shit. I do, bro. Some fucking you know there's a guy who did that you don't think about this shit i do bro some fucking guy who wasn't ripped at all not a mortal kombat fighter at all just some guy who is a fucking uh voice actor just comes in and gets paid six hundred dollars an hour for real to just go Mortal Kombat in a fucking studio with egg crates in it. That's why it's that's why it's fucking cheaper and better to get the guy to just go Mortal Kombat. Touchdown. Touchdown.

Did he say fucking Brutchdown That's how it always goes when you're a kid Sounds like he says fucking Brutchdown Prepoints Did he say prepoints Did he say brunchdown Brutchdown

Um Bro I have so many texts It's ridiculous right now you guys ain't shit look at your phone how many texts you got I got 12 I got 12 in fucking one hour gone by bro

that's how fucking popular I am do you understand I got fucking 12 texts I got 12 texts. I got 12 texts, bro. Text your might. Text your might. I didn't even mean to say that.

Text your might. What else was there? Street Fighter 2. Wow, I don't even remember the Street Fighter 2 theme song. Let's see that one. SF2 theme. I don't remember that one. Here2 theme. I don't remember that one. Here we go.

Oh, man. I mean, so many different ones. Guile's theme. Is it good? It's funny. Very American. According to the Japanese, at least. See, this one doesn't hold the nostalgia for me.

Dude, Guile's hair, you know? Fucking, I'm going to kick that son of a bitch in, Bison says. So, or that the next Bison wannabe is going to feel it. That was fucking... How did fucking Jean-Claude Van Damme play Guile the American? Nothing is more 90s. I'm going to kick that son of a bitch. Bison says so hard that the next Bison

wannabe is going to feel it. Now, who's coming with me and who's going home? And then one time he goes like this to, he's talking to M. Bison and he goes like this. The most Jean-Claude Van Damme thing of all time. He literally goes to M. Bison and he goes like this. The most Jean-Claude Van Damme thing of all time. He literally goes like this. Dude, you got to see the video podcast because this is really what he does. He goes, I'm going to kick that son of a bitch Bison's ass so hard that the next Bison is going to feel it.

Put that back to back on the fucking – somebody do a video of it. I'm going to kick that son of a bitch Bison's ass so hard that the next Bison wannabe is going to feel it. Not tough to do that, you know? To fucking swing your arm around and stop it with the other one. Schizophrenic. schizophrenic. I did say on Twitter, I don't ever have guests, but I want to do a guest for the 100th episode,

and I want it to be Jean-Claude Van Damme. And otherwise, I'm just going to fucking ride this solo on my dolo shit out. Wow, my fucking, that is kind of tough, man. My arm is red from stopping it. I'm going to kick that son of a bitch Bison's ass so hard

that the next bison wannabe is going to feel it. Dude, hey, so hard. You know? So hard.

No, you've lost your balls. Colonel Guile. Why did he play Guile? He should have just played fucking, what was the other guy? Zangief, the Russian. And then just made a fucking movie based on that. God, that movie was fucking ridiculous.

I remember when I watched that movie, it was the only movie up until that point in my life that I saw twice in one day, like an idiot, because I thought it was so funny, though. I love Jean-Claude Van Damme. Imagine the line, writing the line, I'm going to kick that son of a bitch and bison's ass so hard that the next bison wannabe is going to feel it uh um yeah anyway if you're gonna dress up as anybody for

halloween dress up as fucking guile from street fighter 2 the last time i dressed up as what's his name Keanu Reeves in Constantine I had like drawn the tattoos on my arms and or some shit and then put the I don't know put the fucking I don't know, put the fucking, I don't remember, the shirt on. It was like just a shirt with a tie. And then the time before that, I was Ethan Hawke from Training Day, which was so stupid, but it was funny because we had four other guys do the same thing, and everyone was like, you didn't dress up? Oh, wait, hold on. Wait, who the fuck are all you guys? And we were like, we're all Ethan Hawke from Training Day.

We just got the fucking hoodie and the jacket and shaved the goatee, and some of us drew the goatee. This one got the fucking hoodie and the jacket and shaved the goatee and some of us drew the goatee. Anyway. I'm going as John Wick casual this Wednesday. All right. Well, I guess we're done. Right?

I mean, we don't need to do anything. We don't need to drive this fucking home. Oh, but you know what, dude? First of all, download my app so you get to see it first. Podcast first. And then also download the Cash app for free on the App Store or Google Play Market. Enter rewards code congrats, get $5 and give $5 to Time's Up. And thank you, you guys. Man, I had a blast this time.

This was a fun one for me, nostalgia and all that shit. I have – I'm announcing – I just announced new dates on my website. I just announced new dates on my website in 2019. There's a lot of them. So go look and see if your city is there. There are still some that I'm holding like Minneapolis that are not on there but they will be eventually. They will be eventually but I got like Salt Lake City, Boulder, Colorado, St. Louis, Kalamazoo, Michigan, Windsor, Seattle again, Albany, Valley Center, California, Anaheim, Hanover, Maryland, Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, Lexington, Albuquerque, Santa Fe, Phoenix.

Phoenix is the biggest place I've ever played solo. That's going to be 5,000 seats. So that's 5,000 seats. So I think they all go on sale on Friday to the general public. But there's pre-sale codes if you go look up the individual venues. Oakland, Newport News, Virginia. I don't know what the fuck that is. Durham, Charlotte, Greensboro.

Greensboro and then two in Las Vegas at different times and Tucson. All right, guys. Tucson. And then Miami and West Palm Beach and Jacksonville coming up. Atlanta coming up. Los Angeles, San Francisco, Boston, Fresno, Bakersfield, Austin, and San Antonio. San Antonio. That'll round out the end

of this year. And then the other ones are next year. You guys are great. Thank you very much. Rate and review the podcast, please. I want to fucking keep this train moving, dude. And you got to keep the business growing otherwise you know it ain't shit you guys are the best my babies remember you