Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 93. Public Conversational Lapdance

Episode Date: November 5, 2018

It's the 93rd episode! On today's show, Chris talks about seeing racism right here in Hollywood. Also discussed: a mother who confronted an online gamer, Halloween, Spanish class, tetanus shots, Double Dragon, Tony Danza, and No Nut November. Plus, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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app for free on the app store or Google play market. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, the Incredibles family. A lot of people went as, what are they called, the Minions. A lot of family costumes I saw. Saw Kevin Hart dress up like Minions and take 75 professional photos. Where does that guy find the time? He does so much work and then also does a photo shoot with his family. I think there might be

two or three Kevin Harts. That's amazing. I mean, just, God bless. Like my great-, just God bless. Like my grandmother would, like my great grandmother would say, like my grandmother would say, God bless. Um, so yeah, um, I'm on my app live. They catch my, uh, my, my podcast before anybody else. So if you want to do that, catch the podcast on the app. Uh. I've been in town now for about two weeks. Let me go over some dates here. I got Miami that's sold out. West Palm Beach that's

sold out two shows. And then I have Jacksonville. And I think that there might be some tickets left in Jacksonville on Friday night. And the reason why that's not sold out is because it's Jacksonville. And the reason why that's not sold out is because it's Jacksonville. And, yeah, it's swamp infested. And so then after that is Atlanta. And one show sold out and then there's a late show that I believe sold – that is not sold out, I believe. There's still tickets left in Atlanta if you want to go. And also I put Chicago on sale last – like three days ago, and it's gone, dude. So thank you, Chicago. 3,500 seats gone in like a day. It was like a day and a half it all

went. I didn't realize how strong the cult was in Chicago, but let me tell you something. It's cold. And when I get there in February, I'm bringing my jackets and we're all bundling up. I want people to start wearing all white to my shows. Like it's a real cult. That's what I want. I want all white. Now careful, don't wear a white pointy hat. Don't even wear a hat because we don't want that to get confused speaking of which um i was i was at coffee earlier today and i experienced actual not to me but i experienced it the public in the uh in the actual uh oh shit i fucked up the ad here in the uh hold on let me fix this i experienced racism uh actual racism for like there were these five white people at the coffee place and then they were talking Hollywood bullshit. And you could tell that it was not real.

In Hollywood, there's a lot of bullshit going on. People think they're producers. People pretend they're producers. People do it to get laid. People do it to seem powerful. People do it to seem like they got shit going on. A lot of girls do it because they want people to know that they're not just a pretty face. A lot of guys do it because they were beat up in fucking middle school, right?

So there were three guys, two girls bullshitting at the fucking coffee bean and tea leaf. And they were all white. And then there was another table that wasn't with them that was a black guy just kind of hanging out and they were talking about movies loud the guy was on the phone and he was like yeah what i like to do is i like to spend more to get more that's what i like to do that's what he did so what you knew immediately with that guy's full of shit or as my cousin would have said when he was younger, after he heard my grandma say it, full of shit. And then my grandma said, no, no, no, don't say that. My grandma said, oh, you're full of shit.

She said, take your diaper off. We got to wipe your ass. And then my cousin was like, no. And she said, oh, you're full of shit. And he said, full of shit. And then me and my brother laughed so hard. And then he kept on saying, full of shit, full of shit. Anyway, so he was full of shit. He was saying stuff like, you know

what? We offered him $750. If we got to offer him a little more, then we got to offer him a little more. And by the way, he couldn't look less like a producer. He just looked like some guy. Hey, some guy, you're not making a movie. Okay? You know? So now he's talking this bullshit. And this other, by the way, I oversaw this other lady that was next to him in the meeting. And she was texting the longest text. Don't text the longest text.

Especially in a meeting. Like these people are just awful as shit. One guy had a broken arm, shit one guy had a broken arm literally he had a broken arm like like it was like the cover of a fucking spanish textbook because they're trying to make it politically correct so you know what i mean though about that how spanish textbooks they always had like on the cover they were by the way spanish textbooks were so ahead of their time in pc culture if you look at any fucking old spanish textbook from high school there was always like a white guy a black guy an asian girl and then always a guy in a wheelchair you couldn't flip three pages without seeing a fucking guy in a wheelchair they were always down with the like paraplegic spanish textbooks because they always

wanted to they and i feel like part of it was because one of the things that they tried to drive home was because I always remember, sillas de ruida. I think that means wheelchair. Sillas de ruida. Is that how you say wheelchair in Spanish? Sillas de ruida. Dude, that's how we would learn.

And then it'd get the, oh my God, dude, when they would do silla de ruidas. That's what it is. Silla de ruidas. And every time you would fucking, they'd be like, oh my God, dude. We would listen to this fucking, what do you call them? Audio tapes.

And they would say it. They'd be like, wheelchair. Silla. They'd be like, wheelchair. Oh, yeah, that's what it would be like. It'd be like, wheelchair. Silla. They'd be like, wheelchair. Oh, yeah, that's what it would be like. It'd be like, wheelchair. Like a white chick would say, wheelchair. And then the guy would come on and he'd be like, silla de ruidas.

And we'd be like, and then the, oh, dude, I always remember this shit in class. In high school, it'd be like, silla. The guy would say, silla de ruidas. And the class would be like they'd be like see ya the guy would say see ya deruidas and the class would be like see ya deruidas and then they would say see ya deruidas and but what our class didn't realize and i always realized that i hated that they fucking class didn't pay attention to this shit but they would you were only supposed to say it after the first time and then the guy would say it just to remind you. Silla de ruidas. And then it would go on to the next one and it would be like, baseball.

And then you would have to say baseball. But everyone thought you had to say the fucking thing twice. So it would be like it would be like silla de ruidas. And it would be like, silla de ruidas. And then he would be like, silla de ruidas. And then everyone would be like

silla, and then he would be like, baseball. And would be like, and then he would be like, and everyone would be like, wait, wait, wait, what? And I would always be like, no, you only fucking say it once. You say it. Wait, what? Dude, I would laugh so hard at that shit. I loved it. Silla de ru...

Silla... By the way, how much is that fucking guy, whoever did all those audio books or textbook fucking whatever? That guy just had on literally... You know what that guy sounds like? Silla de ruidas who got a low baseball. That guy sounds like he fucking straight up, got up in the morning, put on a nice button down shirt,

fucking no tie. It's open at the top because he's, and then a fucking blazer and that's it. No pants or underwear. And then shows up to work and just fucking in his blazer with a button down shirt and the fucking cuffs out and he just says,

and his dick is fucking medium sized and he's in a recording booth and he doesn't give a shit and he's got a fucking what do you call it? Mai Tai. Drinking a Mai Tai. With flip flops. Just like, Anyway, what was i fucking talking about oh yeah so so the racist guys so so they're they're doing this thing um so they're doing this thing they're talking about the fucking uh uh what do you call it uh they're talking about the fucking, what do you call it? They're talking about the fucking movies.

And he says, like, you can tell this guy just wants to be heard and just wants to be, like, powerful. So he says to the guy who's black that's not with them, and he says, hey, man, what do you do? And the guy says, I'm just a writer or uh you know uh actor whatever and the guy says uh oh yeah um are you funny and the guy says by the way it's like it's like you can tell racism is is on the way do you know what i mean? You can just tell that like, oh, racism just got in the car and it's on the, it was like when you look at Postmates and it's like, oh, preparing to order. And that was where the racism was. And right when he said, uh, hey, you funny? That was when it changed from preparing to order. And it says in route right there. And, uh, and so the guy says, yeah,

I'm funny. And he says, yeah, you do chocolate Sundays at the laugh factory. Five minutes away. No ding dong fucking straight up. That's when it says fucking Eben is ready outside with your food. Eben is close. Go outside. That's the text you get from. It says you do chocolate sundaes at the Laugh Factory? First of all, those of you who don't know what chocolate sundaes might be, even though you definitely know when i just say what it is it's obviously the urban night at the laugh factory and it's on sunday so already the guy's

like hey he's black you do chocolate sundaes like he can't do a normal night of comedy all right and the guy says yeah the guy actually fucking throws racism on its back and he says yeah yeah yeah i do it uh i'm going actually i'm doing it this week so now the white guy's like see told you the white guy's literally thinking see they're all the fucking same like that's literally what he's thinking you know and uh it's racist and so so he says uh so he says uh she says, oh, yeah, cool. And he says, what are we doing? What are we doing?

We got to check that out or whatever. Like, they're going to go, dude. You know? So then he says, hey, do we have any? He literally says to his white people there, he says, hey, man, do we have any movies for black guys? And that's when I just looked over at him. And I was like, okay, well, I'm not going to pretend like I'm not going to understand what's happening. So I look and my jaw drops and I wait to see how this – because there's one guy.

There's just the one black guy and there's five other people so i'm like i'm like in this situation where i'm like am i gonna am i gonna say something here because like is it is it the kind of thing where if postmates is late am i gonna fucking write a report that's what i was that's where i was like motherfucker it's been an hour they said they were going to be here at 5 50 it's fucking 6 15 do i contact postmates at this point or do i see how postmates is going to deal with this so i look at this and so this black guy because i because the guy if the guy is like what the fuck then i'm going to be like hey man yeah what is yeah like if he if then if the white guy's like oh whoa whatever i'll be like bro you're being a fucking asshole right because it was just us in the thing so now um but the black guy goes like this hell yeah right one i'll do it so i'm like okay well fuck it that's how they left it.

And he was like, yeah, because I think we're working with Chris Rock on this thing. Which they're not, of course. You know? Dude, it was so, it was so, I don't, you know, as a white guy who lives where I live, you don't see that that much. You see subtle shit you know um but to see that like fucking so obvious it was so uncomfortable you know i was surprised that the guy didn't say anything i mean maybe he just deals with it so much and shit like it's weird as a white guy you don't really

understand it you don't really understand uh how much that could possibly affect you all the time over and over like i was i was working out the other day this is another thing kind of in in the same vein i was working out the other day and you know when you're working out there's mirrors and people like to look in the mirror when they work out to make sure their form's good or if they're just fucking you know a conceited you know guy or a girl that just wants to see their body working out because they think oh yeah i look good now i don't really care too much about the mirror i mean like i'll go in front of it if it's open and i'll work out um but it's not a big part of my thing like i don't i'm not like trying to be a bodybuilder and shit so i don't really care what my muscles look like when i'm working out and i also think my form is fine you

know i'm not trying to like be like oh arch a little more or fucking you know tense a little more at the top like whatever i'm just fucking throwing weights around and doing cardio so there's this girl there i've talked about her on the podcast before she kills it she inspired she's inspiring she's always fucking killing it at the gym. And where this gym where people don't really work out all that hard enough. And because it's like a Hollywood gym and she kills it though. And so I get in, in the, I get, I'm doing these squats and I'm looking in the mirror doing the thing, you know, and I noticed she's behind me and she moves because I'm in the

way and she wants to see herself doing her shit and I feel bad because I didn't she's by the way she's way in the back it's not like I fucking eked in and tried to get in front of her uh I didn't realize that she was doing that and so I was like oh fuck I feel bad like I didn't mean for her to pick up and move her whole um workout right and so she did it and I was like i should fucking i was like if i get if she comes closer to me or if i come closer again i'm gonna be like yo sorry i didn't do that so so i walked by her and i was like yo just so you know like uh i didn't mean to get in your way i'm so sorry about that and she was like oh it's no problem like all good and she was like so nice

about it and i was like all right cool cool regular shit whatever um so then afterwards like after a few minutes we were near in the same area again and she said hey that was just so you know that was like really sweet that you said that and i was like what and she was like i don't know like being a girl like guys i knew this is one not what you were doing but guys get in the way of girls a lot purposely because like I'm a woman and either they think that, you know, they're more important or whatever the fuck. And I was like, oh fuck yeah, I get it. That's so fucking annoying. And then I was thinking about that and I was talking to my girl afterwards and she was like, yeah, that happens all the time. And like that's so annoying. because I'm just a fucking white guy or a guy, not even a white guy at this, in this situation, but I don't know, you know, talking about like thinking about that, like I have a little bit

of it because like, you know, people like I have people that know who I am. So like I was at the coffee bean today and some guy came up, he's like, Hey man, you talking to me with this fucking tuna breath and shit. And I'm like, okay, cool. And that happens a lot, but like it, it hasn't happened since birth.

And women have been dealing with that since fucking, you know what I mean? And that I would be what I'm, what I'm trying to say is I would be the biggest bitch ever. That's what I'm trying to say. Like I would be the kind of girl where guys would hate already because of the way I walk is defensive. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like I would be the kind of girl that walks in a room, doesn't make eye contact with anybody. And people would be like, stuck up bitch up bitch huh that's me and and a guy would come up and be like excuse me and i'd be like yeah and he'd be like whoa and i'd be like no what's up

and he'd be like never never mind it's all good and i'd be like and i wouldn't say shit and then i'd just go back and drink my fucking smoothie or my earth bar shit or eating my kale. Excuse me. That would be me. Excuse me. Get out of my way. Emphasize my, some fucking old lady cut me. I get Beverly Hills. I got Beverly Hills again, man. I talked about this on the podcast. I'm old lady. Just cut me in line. And I wanted to say something,

but she was like also that age where it was like, she wasn't elderly, but she was like a little bit almost there. So I was like, do I say something or what? She just fucking snuck in. She knows. She knows.

I got mad. She fucking Beverly Hills me in Hollywood. Anyway. Anyway, people deal with their... People have their own shit. They deal with it. And that... Maybe that guy, that guy today was just like,

you know what? I don't want to deal with the fucking racism bullshit at this point. Fuck it. Maybe I could get some work out of it. I don't want to make it uncomfortable. I deal with this shit all the time. Fuck it. Maybe I could get some work out of it. I don't want to make it uncomfortable. I deal with this shit all the time. Fuck it. Maybe.

Maybe not. Maybe he didn't know. He had to have known. Had to have in his own. Okay. So I'm going to do my ads here. Speaking of which, Postmates. Since we talked about it.

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congrats. TripActions.com slash congrats. TripActions.com slash congrats for a free demo and a hundred dollar amazon gift card there you go you want that amazon gift card babies um so yeah uh that's what's up uh i got oh by the way i got a hey how about this man i got a fucking tetanus shot. I haven't gotten a checkup in 17 years. A doctor's appointment, a checkup in 17 fucking years.

And I went. And I didn't want to, and I did. Because I'm healthy and I'm fine. And I went and he was like, basically all they do is like, all right, let me check your heart rate and all this. I had nothing wrong with me in 17 years. Back pain, whatever. Everyone's got back pain. They were like, well, he was like, might as well give you your tetanus shot.

And I was like, all right, cool. They give it to me. Dude, I got it Wednesday. I'm still fucked, man. It hurts a lot. No, I'm no pussy, dude. I'm a hard motherfucker. Maybe I am a pussy, man.

This shit hurt. I need a fucking silla de ruidas. Silla de ruidas. Silla de ruidas. Silla de ruidas. I need it. No. No.

Wait. Oh, wait. I need it. No. No. Wait. Oh, wait. I need a fucking... It hurts, dude. My shit hurts, bro. It's fucking five, six days, and I can't... I got... I can't do this shit.

I mean, I can do it, but... Oh, fuck. It's that movement that hurts a lot. Right there. It's fucking... Nurse just jabbed me with it. Felt like it went in my fucking tendon. That sucks. You know, I'm never going to get tetanus. I'm never even outdoors. What am I

going to rub up against a rusty nail? Where? I live in Hollywood. Where the fuck's that going to happen? Everyone's like, you got to get your tetanus shot. No, you don't. And then he was like trying to sucker me into getting a fucking flu shot. I don't need to get that shit, man. Do you know what he was saying? He was like every 10 to 15 years, there's a flu shot. There's a flu. There's a strain of flu. That's like an epidemic or a pandemic or whatever the fuck. Some kind of demic.

And he said, but every year it's bad. But he's like, you want to get the shot on that one because if you get that one you're on your back for like fucking two weeks it's like 10 to 15 years every 10 to 15 years and flu shots are a guess by the way they don't know what strain is going to be the outbreak this year if there is one if there is one so they're you're getting a flu shot you might get sick from it you ever see that fucking video where the girl got the flu shot and then now all she can do is walk backwards ah she walks backwards bro walking frontwards forget about it that's what she that's what forget it she got her flu shot i swear to god i saw this it was on the news i was a kid she got a flu shot and now she can only walk backwards she cannot walk forwards hey man that's hell I'd rather be in a fucking

this is the one one fire is but she can walk backwards yeah she can walk backwards dude she can't walk forward I saw that and I was like well never getting a flu shot.

That's just so fucked up that I fucked her up like that. I know that's a rare case. Look at the thing that he's looking up on YouTube. Woman takes flu vaccine. Now she can't walk forward. I mean, bro, it's actually the most horrific thing I ever saw. When I was a kid, I was like, well, never getting a flu shot. I'll get the flu.

Fucked out. I'll be on my back for two days. Poor girl, man. She has to walk backwards upstairs and shit everything looks like it's rewind and she was she's like this fucking regular you know pretty good young girl is that her i don't know they're interviewing people like they can say anything like yeah she used to walk forward and now she can only walk backwards after getting a flu shot poor girl man i mean that was definitely a freak thing but oh she's better now oh she's better now oh

oh she's better now. That's really sweet. Look at, look at, look at. Go down, go down. Go down. Look at that right there. Oh, look at this guy. Oh, it's, oh, come on. It's convenient.

Her symptoms only occur when she knows she's being watched. Dude, there's so many fucking, I was listening to this podcast the other day. As soon as some shit happens, they think that nobody, I think it was sword and scale. As soon as some shit happens, like the Orlando i think it was sword and scale as soon as some shit happens like the orlando shooting there's people that are like yeah well it's the government they think they're making this happen because they're trying to take our guns away they don't think sandy hook happened like people are fucking live tweeting there like the government just hired people to live tweet a bullshit event huh dude it's so insane what people think anyway i got my tetanus shot don't get your fucking tetanus shot there's no reason to you're not gonna rust hold a rusty crowbar like what are

you in double dragon dude what are you in fucking double dragon what are you in fucking what was the double dragon song dude i love this podcast. You guys are awesome, man. You guys are so fun. Double Dragon theme song? We talked about theme songs last night. What are you holding up? Oh, my. Basic.

Ah. Wow. Play this at my funeral. For real. When they bring me out. Dude, all I want to do is talk about old video game songs. I don't give a shit. I don't even like video games.

Dude. So victorious. This is the most Japanese thing I've ever heard in my life. I like when it goes... Faster, though. So repetitive. Dude, I fucking... Why did I bring up Double Dragon?

Oh, Rusty Crowbars. Dude, I'm all over the place. Promise to be all over the place no matter what my babies um yeah dude this fucking cult is strong it doesn't matter we go all over the place but uh yeah so i got my tetanus shot and it's not worth it i mean i don't know and now now if some of you babies are gonna be like i'm not getting the tetanus shot and they're gonna rub up against a rusty nail or pick up an old crowbar crowbar to make a joke about the podcast that you heard on Double Dragon. And now you're going to get tetanus because of the podcast. And I'm fucked.

I told you not to get a tetanus shot. Well, you know what I have to say to that, guys, fellas? You know what I have to say to that? Great. My phone's not opening. One fire even though it's not his fault. That's what I have to say to that. I love how it stops.

So anyway, dude. By the way, in the video game Double Dragon, how about the fact that like there were bad chicks and the guy just like you were just the lead guy and you just beat the shit out of chicks. Try and subdue him. Stop punching purple haired chicks with blue jumpsuits in the face i guess i wonder what video games are like did you hear about that guy on the the guy on the um i saw it on the barstool sports uh uh instagram where he was like it got me thinking actually because the guy is like a big popular gamer. And,

um, he like surprised the fan by, um, what do you call it? By, uh, by saying I was, he was going to play with them.

And then he was like, here, here's the thing. And the mom came on and was like oh we're it says she went full uh to catch a predator on him like she was like it we wanted to talk to him because here i'll just play it for you guys here it's right here your friend here i think his mom thinks i'm some sort of creeper or something what you want to talk to him all right my mom wants to talk to him? Alright, my mom wants to talk to you. Playing Fortnite.

Hello? Hi, how you doing? Hi, I'm doing well. How are you? Good, good. Just gaming some Fortnite. Okay, and do you usually play with boys this age? Do you know how old they are? Oh, hey, listen, they watch my videos. I joined in to surprise them, and then next thing you know, you know, and then now we're here playing. And do you usually surprise boys this age?

No, hey, he can leave if you don't understand, you know, what the scenario is. Well, my son is very happy that you are playing with him, but I'd like to know if you do this often. Dominic, your friend here, it's his mom. I mean, the guy was so, like, first of all, I suppose it's a normal thing. I don't know. I don't know how old the kid is. But this guy, known Twitch streamer, Jack Optic Courage Dunlop.

Change it. Optic Courage. Knowop. Change it. Optic Courage. Know what that means? No courage. Yeah, you know, he looks like he's 30 or something. He might be older. I mean, I'm sure the guy's nice enough, you know. I mean, obviously, he's not trying to fucking be.

I mean, obviously, this is how it is. He wanted to surprise a fan, and this fan happened to be younger and who gives a shit but then i got to thinking like it is kind of creepy though you know like if a guy that a 30 something year old guy can just play a video game with a fucking nine year old nine-year-old you know that's just kind of creepy and i know yeah one fire type just typed to me but it's over the internet yeah creepier you know i don't know something creepier about that like impersonally so like yeah i'm just playing i have fuck it but over the internet you're like you know it's just weird i know it's over the internet and he's just surprised him and shit but it's just like it was so funny too because this guy's obviously a good guy he's obviously not doing anything shady i don't think but like

but like the way he responds is like oh wait oh no i do realize that it's very weird, you know? Look, he's laughing because he knows it. Oh. Valid question. Valid question. okay and uh do you usually play with boys this age valid question valid question hey listen they watch my videos i joined in to surprise them and then next thing you know sounds perfect now we're here playing on track on on transcript script he can leave if you think it's if you don't understand oh that that sure reminds me of Adam Sandler. He was like, today, Junior.

Listen, he could leave if you don't understand the scenario. Dude, that was so funny because it was so like a mom that doesn't get it that doesn't get what this shit is but like it it's also is kind of creepy that a 30 something you're basically talking on the phone to a fucking eight-year-old and yeah he's a fan and yeah you're not going to do anything but it's still it's still creepy i mean if i had, I wouldn't want my eight-year-old kid playing a video game with a 30-year-old somewhere in, like, Wisconsin

or anywhere. You know? You know, listen, they watch my videos and gave me some Fortnite

he's got 428,000 followers he's just trying to surprise the kid and the mom's like hello excuse me you're creepy as shit yeah I mean you know I'm it sounds like a CD skipping listen if you don't he doesn't have to It sounds like a CD skipping.

Listen, if you don't... He doesn't have to... He doesn't have to... They watch my videos and I just came... They watch my videos and I just wanted to surprise him. At Next Step Prison. So fucking... So fucking creepy. It sounded like a fucking Daniel Benningfield song.

One more time, got me feeling so free. I mean, dude, listen. If I were blue, I'm a green, I'm a light. If I were green, I'm a light. Dude, you know? How does he stutter that much? That's the new that. That's unbelievable, dude.

Oh, that's so good. I mean, that shit is so good. We got to listen to it again. Dominic, your friend here, I think his mom thinks I'm some sort of creeper or something. Uh-oh. What? Uh-oh. You want to talk to him?

All right, yeah, talk to him. All right, my mom wants to talk to you. Wait, is she getting on the mic? Hello? Hi, how you doing? Hi, I'm doing well. How are you? Oh, I can't talk to you. Wait, is she getting on the mic? Hello? Hi, how you doing? Hi, I'm doing well. How are you? I can't wait for this part. Okay, and do you usually play with boys this age?

Do you know how old they are? Oh, hey, listen, they watch my videos. I joined in to surprise them, and then next thing you know, you know, and now we're here playing this next this next one and do you usually surprise boys this age oh hey he can leave if you think it's if you don't understand you know what the scenario is He can... That's basically what happened. That's what he's like... That's the beginning of that song.

To me, that's like a... That would go good with that song. To me, that's like a... That would go good with that song. I'm such a fucking idiot, dude. Wait, wait, wait. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. If you don't understand what's going on here.

Dude, that's so fucking funny that he basically turned into a fucking house music song. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. I'm sorry, dude. It's too funny. He thinks I'm some sort of creeper or something. Uh-huh.

What? Uh-oh. You want to talk to him? He goes, uh-oh. All funny. Uh-huh. Uh-oh. You want to talk to him? He goes, uh-oh. All right, my mom wants to talk to you. Wait, is she getting on the mic? Look, it's all good, too. He's like, this is going to be all good.

How you doing? She drops the bomb on him. How are you? Good, good. Do you usually play with kids this young, this age? Okay. That's the bomb, dude. Do you usually play with boys this age?

Do you know how old they are? Oh, hey, listen, they watch my videos. I joined in to surprise them, and then next thing you know... He thinks he's still got it right here. He thinks he's got it right here still, and right here. He realizes it unravels. He can leave if you

don't understand what the scenario is. Well, my son is very happy that you are playing with him, but I'd like to know if you do this often. Oh, that's so good. He can leave if you don't understand what that is. Oh, man. oh man how funny is it that you can just get like fucking accused of something that you're not doing dude and then just get fucked you know like that like like this i'm sure this guy's a good guy he seems like he's just fucking didn't think about it and it was just fucking playing video games

and he's just like got his shit together and he's just got it he's just a fucking streamer you know not a fucking perv or a pedophile and now people are just gonna because this came on the air or on the air because this is now going viral he's just gonna have this fucking annoying bullshit that he's gonna follow i don't know no no no he's just got this annoying bullshit now. It's like the fucking guys that think Sandy Hook's a fucking lie. It's like it just somebody said it and now it's a thing. That's so annoying, dude. Oh, man.

I stand with whatever the fuck this guy's name is. Optic fucking courage. I stand with optic courage. He wasn't trying to perv. Oh, fuck. That's funny to me. Oh, fuck. That's funny to me, man. All right, cool. Here we go. Hymns. Look, I'm going to be real with you guys, okay? Straight up. 66% of men lose their hair by age 35. Now I'm not trying to brag, boast or gloat, but I made it. Okay. The thing is when you start to notice hair loss, it's too late. That's it. See you later guys. Bye hair. Wee. You're retreating.

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you'll receive $5 and the Cash app will send $5 to Time's Up Legal Defense Fund. A true win-win, right? And whenever you use the cash hour, it's basically... Now, we got to back up the Brinks truck or the Loomis truck. We got to get through this. I just want to make one song, just one song that's just fucking killing it and then just sing it forever.

Daniel Bedingfield's the shit. Didn't she have that Natasha Bedingfield sister? Yeah, what was that song she had? Natasha Bedingfield. Man, I'm in love with you and on your feet. Then I'm broken. She was that song, right?

What was that fucking unwritten? Got it without the use of Google, my babies. What was I going to say? Oh, yeah. So I was at my checkup, and dude, the doctor looks at me and says, well, the only thing I can find wrong with you is that you have a lot of earwax in your right ear. Okay. And I said, really? He said, yeah. I said, what's the deal? He said, it's basically clogged all the way. I said, yeah. I said,

is that affecting my hearing? He said, maybe in your right ear. I said, whoa. He's like, well, here's what we got to do. We either got to try to take it out now, or if it hurts to try and take it out with this and shows up a fucking something that like the guy from saw would use to torture somebody or we go and we um soften it up with liquid and then we fucking wait a little bit and then soften it up with some sailing solution and then it fucking pours out and i was like all right, let's just try the fucking OG way, man. Saw it up. I want to play a game. You've been living with earwax for way too long. You cannot hear out of the right side of your head. Let's see what it would be like to take this steel rod and inject it into your brain. You must fight to survive. try not to lean to the right it will go directly through your brain

fight to survive so um i'm like all right just use that and he's like all right here we go and he does it and i go like this when he puts fucking in my head okay oh it hurt oh it hurt it made a tennis feel made a tennis shot feel like i was getting a massage all right so i was like and he said does it hurt and i said yep he said okay let's try to wash it out. So then he took the squeezy bottle thing, way too big, by the way. He brought it up. It was like you had to fucking back up a truck to get it in. Put it in my ear. And I was like, is it loud?

He was like, it might be a little loud. Squoze it in my ear. This is what it sounded like. He just squoze it in my ear. It was so loud, dude. Do you know what it's like to have something squeezed in your ear? And I was like, oh my God, it's so loud. He was like, yeah, well, I thought it might be.

And then I was like, Jesus Christ. He was like, okay, we'll just let it sit there and then fucking in 20 minutes we'll put the saline solution 20 minutes went by put the saline solution in they put a fucking thing here like a pan here to catch all i'm like what is this for it's like to catch all the liquid and the earwax i'm like how much do i have in there so then she squeezed the fucking saline that was even louder bro and then i looked in the pan and it looked like fucking something that would be in like a an arby's trash can where you'd be like what the fuck is that dude it was so gross and the rest of the day it was coming out dude it was so gross.

Gotta get through this. Earwax. And now, by the way, I was tricking myself all day. I was like, I think I could hear better. But I don't know if I could. But now it feels fine. I didn't notice, though. It built up over time. And I was like, I think I could hear better. But I don't know if I could. But now it feels fine. I didn't notice, though.

It built up over time. And I was like, well, will it come out eventually? He was like, no. That's fucking crazy, right? You just get earwax. And what if in 1600 you had earwax? That's it. You're not getting it out.

You got to go to a witch or some shit. Dude, I love that people in the world just travel on Instagram and they think that because they're traveling that they're brave and they tell other people to just stop. Just do it, you know? Just do it. Throw caution to the wind. Take that fucking thing today.

Book the trip now. You're not being inspirational you didn't do any you're just going some dude like like oh wow you have such courage because you went to greece dude it's not fucking 14 12 we already know the places exist you got courage going a plate going to the unknown you know you don't have courage because you fucking took a week off of work and went to the fucking maldives you fucking hooker you can only do that if you're a hooker anyway or rich so ridiculous fucking hooker. You can only do that if you're a hooker anyway, or rich. So ridiculous. I sent one of those Instagrams to my buddy and he was like, he was like, I went all in.

And then my buddy was like, too bad he didn't go all in on spelling like that's the other thing which is hilarious because it's like it's like dude these guys are idiots you know this guy just wearing khaki shorts of course real tight with a fucking button down just walking on a boardwalk somewhere. And he was like, do it now. Like do what now? You're not fucking courageous. You idiot. You're walking around and someone's shooting you. Everybody's a goddamn model. Now that's the fucking problem.

All these chicks think they're going to be more famous than you. You know, in Hollywood, Instagram's fucked the game up, man. Remember when fucking guys like Tony Danza would just fucking scoop it up? You kidding me?

Tony Danza would be like, hey, how's it going? You want some cock? And they'd be like, sure, I'm never gonna meet another famous guy. Great, scoop that up. Burr, burr. And then he's out.

great scoop that up Berber and then he's out I'll fuck you real good Berber catch you later now now bro now if Tony Danza was famous now he wouldn't Berber ever bro if Tony Danza

was famous now dude you gotta be Berber ever, bro. If Tony Danza was famous now, dude, you gotta be fucking John Mayer. You gotta be fucking, you gotta be Matt Damon, bro. You gotta be Hugh Jackman. You gotta be Hugh Jackman. You gotta be fucking, dude. Ah, Hugh Jackman. you gotta be fucking dude ah hugh jackman whatever i'm living large this guy bought me a coffee today because he was a fan so

that's it dude i'm living fucking large guy goes like this this guy i walk into the coffee shop he says this guy and i go oh no and he comes up and he's so big and Scottish. And he was like, man, I got to get you a coffee. And I was like, oh, you don't have to.

He's like, sure, no, let's do it. And I did it. And then I had to talk to him for a while. He bought my time. Like it was a fucking public lap dance.

That's basically what it is. When somebody, when you're a fucking guy, when you're a famous guy and somebody buys you coffee, that's a public lap dance he's giving you're giving you got to give him because now you got to talk to him while the coffee's getting ready guy was nice enough was he eating a fucking tuna sandwich while he was talking to me yeah did it bug me yeah because did it smell too much like tuna yeah and did he know that before

i went to go get my coffee i was thinking oh i can't wait to get home so i can make some tuna and that he ruined my idea of eating tuna after the coffee. Did he know that? No, he didn't know that. Does that make it less frustrating? No. But this is my life. And my life is hard.

You know? I wanted to eat tuna uninterrupted with tuna smell. And he ruined it. And he bought me a coffee and I had to give him a public lap dance. A public conversational lap dance is what I had to give him. That's what it is. And when you're a famous guy, you just got to deal with it. Now, yeah, granted.

But still. Now, yeah, granted. But still. with it now yeah granted but still now yeah granted but still it was sweet of him he was a fucking nice guy thank you very much and i got fans in scotland my babies will i go no people like when you come to the fucking people will be like when are you coming to fucking when are you coming to fucking when you come into uh antarctica you've got babies down here oh really i'm gonna do a fucking show with four people where the only thing i could see are their fucking face and like this because they have a fucking kenny jacket on and then fucking 75 penguins they can't even clap can they they can't even reach bitch-ass golf clapping conversationalist conversational uh lap dance public conversational

lap dance sometimes we fucking come up with the names while we're doing it we always do that's what you know what dude all right let me listen to some quitter maybe we do some twitter questions dude that's so funny to me uh what do you think of adam sandler getting back into stand-up. Congratulations, pod. Randall Contrallo. Ah, do you have Silla de Ruidas? Randall Contrallo. At say underscore Portuguese. Change it. So, I think

it's great. I fucking love Adam Sandler, man. I think that what he does is awesome. He makes movies and he employs a lot of his friends and he's really good to people. He's really nice, I hear. I've never met him. But – and I heard his Netflix thing is hilarious and really good.

A lot of people I respect have said it's really good. I haven't seen it yet. I've yet to see it. but I hear it's great. People I respect say it's awesome, so I can't wait to see it. Yeah, I think Adam Sandler's awesome. I fucking love Adam Sandler. Okay, so here's something that I was wondering about, actually. This is from Coda, at dcampelcw17.

Change it. Hey, Crystalia, how do you feel about no shave well okay so no shave there's a double part question no shave November Movember right that's for cancer right never was it for like prostate cancer you shade to awareness whatever fine you know some of the awarenesses are getting weird and shit it's like yeah I gotta fucking I put put a dildo hat on my forehead for fucking three weeks for, you know, for foot, for fucking psoriasis. And you're like, okay, so now I know what it is. What the fuck do I do now? I don't know. Donate or something. Find a link. See ya. And they walk away on their dildo hat. So that's cool though. I guess awareness for cancer is good because cancer is the fucking

biggest problem in the goddamn world. No, this is something I heard of just this year. No Nut November, which first of all is not even a clever name. How about like something clever, you know? No Nut November. Also, who uses the word nut to talk about an orgasm like that's so gangster to say yo i'm nutted dog yo i'm nutted on her yo you nut inside her hell yeah i'm not inside her you trying to get babies yeah no but that shit feel too good, dog. No, not. What's that mean?

You're just not supposed to fucking have an orgasm all of November? For what? For what? Hey, pick if it's for awareness for something, pick a different thing. Also, you can lie about that. You can't lie about having a mustache. Did you not? No.

Really? Yeah. It's November 6th. Did you not yet? No. Really? Yeah. It's November 6th. Did you nut yet? No? Of course not. Really? Yeah.

What were you doing in your bedroom until 10 a.m.? Nothing. Nothing. No, no, no. No Nut November is the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard in my life. You know what? I'm coming more in November.

How about that? Just because of No Nut November, I'm bussing everywhere. I'm bussing at the supermarket. I'm walking into fucking Vaughn just like... I'm walking into fucking Ralph's or ShopRite with Tony Danza like... I'm walking into fucking Ralph's or ShopRite with Tony Danza like, Burr, burr. Dude, Daniel Bedingfield.

Wow. I didn't realize he looked like this. Couldn't look more like a guy that says, like, that's such a dick that says, like, fuck you in church he looks like perez hilton put the mask on and he's just like smoking perez hilton put the mask on and then smoking oh man uh okay anyway Oh, man. Okay, anyway.

Damn, dude. Him and Natasha Betterfield look like they have some deep family secrets. They couldn't look more like they have some deep family secrets. Crystalia, have you ever used your jiu-jitsu training outside of the dojo? No. Just mentally. I think, though, that the confidence of... I mean, it's been a long time. I would get my fucking ass kicked now from anybody who took four four days of classes but um i think the confidence

of having took it i i just feel like people kind of like there's that whole uh unsaid kind of like thought where like they pick up you pick up on shit i think that you can i don't know i always say that fights happen only happen if the two people fighting want it to happen you know i mean there's of course uh things that happen that you're you know there's exceptions to the rules and shit, but like, dude, if somebody really wants to fight me, I don't want to, I like, I'm like, what, for what? Like, just relax guy, you know? And it's not going to happen. But if two, if I'm like, oh yeah, well fuck you. Then the fight's going to happen, you know? And then I fucking got to get down ass. But yeah, no.

So I haven't used it unless I've used it mentally because I'm like, I know now I know not, I know not nothing about fighting. So maybe I've gotten out of it because somebody could like sense that on said shit about it. Anyway, is there any more? It's cool. My tetanus shot keeps hurting more and more. Oh, okay. This is a good one.

Christopher Lovgren? Jesus. Of course the Christopher is spelled with an F. That's the most foreign name of all time, is Christopher spelled with an F there, but not a PH. That's more foreign than the name like fucking Kerplot. Also Eben.

I said it earlier in the podcast, but like Eben is S foreign. When you change one letter in a regular American name, that guy is from Pluto. I don't give a fuck. Steven, you know, do you watch scary movies through your fingers when shit's about to happen

or watch it all straight up? I mean, first of all. Watch it all straight up, you know, so far and at reach Christopher with an F, you know, see, see, change it, see it. But hello, because you're welcome here at the log cabin. There's no I watch sometimes a movie is so scary I won't like slink in my seat but I will like look off

center of the screen because I'm like what's going to happen I got to fucking see it out of my peripheral and not look at it straight on I definitely have done that the movie that's the scariest is I've told you here before it's called Pulse I have done that. The movie that's the scariest, as I've told you here before, is called Pulse. I've done that. That's the one movie that's made me slink in my fucking seat and pull my blanket up almost over my eyes.

That was the scariest. That has made me do that. Maybe one or two other movies, but that movie was, I think, maybe the only movie to make me actually do it that much. So, yeah, that's it. Anyway. And then when I did it, I'm going to get through this. Yeah, dude. Hey, listen.

It's 2019 coming up. And before I say that, actually, download the Cash app for free on the App Store or Google Play Market. Enter reward code congrats. Get $5 give uh five dollars to times up and by the way guys also go vote huh if you're a baby you got to go vote go vote for your uh for your shit man uh the more people that vote the better this is america uh subscribe to the youtube channel the store is coming down for maintenance tomorrow for about a week. So sorry if you want to go buy your shirts. Go buy them right now. They make good Christmas gifts, as you know, because any gift makes a good Christmas gift. And even though people say that when they're trying to push their product, it makes good sense and it resonates with people.

So listen, it's 2019. Here's another thing that makes good Christmas gifts. And this is not going down for six days, for about a week. Follow the leader. New dates for 2019 on sale now. They just went on sale now. They're getting pushed. Chicago sold out really quickly.

I mean, you guys, they're going to sell out. Boulder, Colorado sold out. A lot of these places sold out. they're going to sell out boulder colorado sold out a lot of these places sold out so go get your tickets now because yeah it's months before but you're not going to be able to come to the cult meetings and you're not going to be able to come see me and you know i'm look they're going to sell out regardless i want you to come so i want the people who want to be there the most to be there so the people that want to be there the most other people get their tickets the earliest so just if you want to be one of those people then go do it and go do it now.

Louisville, Kentucky, Indianapolis, which is how I say Indianapolis, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Missouri, Boulder, Colorado Springs, Colorado, Salt Lake City, Madison, Milwaukee, Chicago, Seattle, Hamilton, Windsor, Kalamazoo, Kalamazoo, Anoo Anaheim Santa Ynez Valley Center Albany Hanover Huntington Cleveland Columbus Cincinnati Lexington for some reason Albuquerque for some reason Santa Fe Phoenix Tucson Greensboro for some reason North North Carolina, Charlotte, Durham, North Carolina, Newport News, Virginia, for some reason, Oakland, and Las Vegas, Nevada. Oh, coming up, Miami, West Palm Beach, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Boston, Fresno, Bakersfield, Austin, and San Antonio.

Now, crazy amounts of I mean but uh you know we gotta do it cause we gotta get the word out there uh subscribe and rate and review the show please that really helps uh okay enough and uh wow is that yours somebody made a visa debit

card from uh from the cash app and made it fucking say... Do we have that on here? Or no? Little problem. It says little problem. Little problem.

It is? Do we have it here? That ain't no problem. That ain't no problem. Huh? That ain't no problem. Thanks a lot. Little problem.

You guys having a good time? Have a good week, my babies. See you in Florida and Atlanta. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. Outro Music