Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 94. Feels So Good In My Hood

Episode Date: November 14, 2018

It's the 94th episode! On today's show, Chris goes through some Craigslist missed connections. Also discussed: Idris Elba, JCVD, Montell Jordan, tetanus shot still hurting, American Idol, and Brian McKnight. Plus, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. Hello, my babies. This is episode 94 of Congratulations, and it is brought to you by Blue Apron.

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This episode is also brought to you by the Cash App. You already know the Cash App is the number one finance app on the App Store. What you might not know is that you can also put Cash App in your wallet with the Cash Card. It's got boosts. It's got great safety features. No credit check needed to get one. We'll talk about this more later on in the show. But download the Cash App for free on the App Store or Google Play Market. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, of congratulations the podcast and let's go over some stuff right now right quick before we're doing we got los angeles i got a big show at the wiltern coming up near thanksgiving

uh then i and i got uh some fresno date and a bakersfield date and then i got uh st louis and louisville and um indianapolis uh so go to crystalia.com to see the follow the leader tour uh i got all I got the fucking truest babies checking in with my app they're watching me live right now hey what's up guys I see you on the app and we got some new fucking cards right here that we got we instead of the paper shuffling

around now I got here right here this right here these are the cards that I got and they got the fucking if you want to see on the video podcast we got the emojis on the back of the cards. Juan Fire is fucking, you know what I mean? Maybe Juan hire with this. Maybe Juan keep his job.

But anyway, yeah, so I am back. I had a long trip. It felt like a long, anytime I go more than three or four days on the road, it feels like i'm out and i don't remember what home is like um and uh i'm feeling good right now though because i got some new laces on my shoes and that's it that's the kind of stuff that makes me feel good i'm 38 and that's the kind of stuff that's going to make me feel good from now on um the tet now the tetanus shot it still hurts now did i get it fucking 10 days ago yes now. Now, does it still hurt? Yes. Now, am I mad I got it? Yes. Is it hard for me to work out? Yes. Was I told that if I just work out,

it'll probably make it better? Yes. Does it make it worse? Yes, it makes it worse. So I don't have full range of motion with my shoulder, but I'm doing pushups anyway. For some reason, the thing that hurts my shoulder the most is jumping jumps have nothing to do with shoulders but the body works in mysterious ways even though it doesn't we just don't know all the ways it works it definitely works in a scientific way not in a mysterious way it's tuesday the podcast is late today because or late uh late this week uh because of something i can't fucking remember. Oh, I was shooting a game show yesterday, which had to be the – it was fun. It got fun. But, man, it was – dude, it's called Tell the Truth, To Tell the Truth.

And it's with Anthony Anderson. And he's the host. And his mom is on the show. And she just talks shit to him. And we got to guess who's telling the truth. And I got everything fucking wrong. I thought I was good at this shit. You know what I actually learned about for real?

They'll, they'll have three. So the show is they'll have three guys and they're all, they say one of them is an MMA fighter. You got to guess which one. And then the fucking curtain opens up and it's three guys and you get to ask him questions and he got to find out who the, who the hell the real MMA fighter is.

And you guess one. Now, when the curtain opens up, you, your first instinct is the best. Once you start asking questions and trying to figure out, you fuck yourself up because you're thinking about it too hard. I got every one wrong because I was thinking about it too hard. I got every single one wrong. And when the curtain opened up, I was like, oh, it's that guy.

And then I would start asking questions. Oh, maybe it's the other guy. Oh, maybe it's this guy. Maybe it's the old white guy. Maybe it's the Asian guy. Maybe it's the girl. And I lost the whole time And for some reason they're going to have me back

They liked what I did, so whatever, maybe your boy was funny Your boy wasn't good at the game But maybe your boy was funny Afterwards I said to Anthony Anderson, I'm like, man, I'm bad at this And he was like, oh, you're horrible Ah Um, so anyway He was wearing a green suit

A black guy can wear a green suit And not be the Riddler, you know? But, uh, if you're a white guy, you're the Riddler. Um, yeah, dude, he must clean up Anthony Anderson. He does fucking 13 episodes in like five days. They just do that shit. When I did that other one, the, the what what's alec baldwin one whatever that game show is i did i think i did two of those yeah dude he does like 47 of those shows in four days and it's like he just must make like fucking 13 million dollars for it

and that's it then he then he just fucking smacks a reporter then he makes all the money and then he goes and then he goes and he fucking punches a paparazzi guy and that's a day for him. He shoots two episodes of his game show and then punches a fucking paparazzi guy out. Imagine being famous for that long though. 40 years of just, hey, hey, hey, Alec, Alec Baldwin, hey. Or whoever. Hey, excuse me, can I go over here over a picture? I'd be knocking everybody out.

I would be doing moves on people. Like it wouldn't be punching. I would be getting them in fucking suplexes and DDTs and shit. I would do the one where I put their head in between my legs and just fucking hold my arms out. And I would start looking at everyone else and be like, oh. And they'd be like, what's he doing? What's he doing? And they'd just fucking lean back and smash their head into their spinal column and they'd be like oh i shouldn't ask for

a picture oh and then i'd stand on the couch and i go like this with my ear dude i'm sorry man every time i go to jean-claude van damme's instagram he's doing a more so bitch pose i can't even believe it dude he leans this is. Every Instagram thing. It's so bitch to lean back on and put your weight on one leg. Just be like, here I am. Son of a bitch. So bitch. There's one picture

where he's fucking in front of an elevator and he's just jamming, dude. The guy's jamming. Dude, it would be so dope if he had the littlest penis of all time. That would be the best. The if he had the littlest penis of all time. That would be the best. The biggest alpha has the littlest penis of all time for sure because he has to. Yeah, so I was in Miami.

These are the places I was. Miami. I was in West Palm Beach, Jacksonville. And then I was also in Atlanta. And for the first time in Atlanta, I didn't hear one person say Hotlanta, but probably because it was November. But so I went to Miami and the first show I had in Miami

in a theater, I did two like 500 seaters and they and they were just like two they weren't sold out you know this was a while ago and it was just they were not a good crowd that i remember i will never forget that's when one girl oh my god look at jean-claude van damme in the grass dude hi guys in 10 to 15 minutes i'll be live here on instagram from the netherlands don't miss it and then he has somebody take his picture and he's so leaning far back wow that's the most bitch shit ever jcvd you know dude he's the kind of guy that fucking watermarks his own instagram when even though we know it's him and also no one would steal that photo.

Dude, Jean-Claude Van Damme never wears regular glasses. He only wears shades. He definitely has the kind where he walks into a fucking, walks outside and they get darker. Oh, there's no doubt he doesn't have those. Wow, the guy's fucking ripped unbelievable um so i went to uh so i went to miami the show was awesome the first time i did miami was not awesome but we sold it out and fucking by we i mean me sold it out and did the awesome shit and then we did the um and then we did west palm beach uh improv because it's the biggest improv in the fucking country it's got like 650 seats so i did two of those and

fucking sorry but sold both of those out and then i did the um jacksonville and i think i was like 10 tickets shy of selling that one out and then then I did Atlanta. I did two shows there. Sold over 3,000 tickets. So it's all good. Anyway, yeah, dude. I did fucking, I did Atlanta, dude. I love Atlanta, man. Had a good time in Atlanta.

I didn't understand what, dude, that thick Atlanta accent is so crazy. That like, I had a driver that was like, what are we going to do? We're going to La Jolena. Like that kind of shit. And I was like, oh, yeah? He said, hey, we're going to maybe go to L.A. I'm going to meet my girl.

Are we going to meet in L.A.? Man, we're going to be in Pasadena. I was like, hey, man, we're talking about Manhattan. And I was just like, oh, shit. I don't know what the fuck he was saying. But he was really nice, I think. You can feel someone's niceness. You don't need to hear their words.

So I was in Atlanta and we fucking, we didn't do much. There were lots of weddings going on, which are probably a mistake. Every time I see a wedding party i'm like oh dude this party's for nothing they're probably gonna get divorced deeper sit deeper um but yeah so uh i uh let's see what else what else did i do what were the shows what my favorite show west palm beach is always a weird crowd dude west palm beach is never they're like the truman show dude like it's not a real town they're always setting up

in in florida they're always they have like this town center where where uh the improv is and they're always setting up for some holiday. It's so annoying. It's like they're setting up for Christmas now, which is like, dude, it's fucking November 6th. And then after Christmas, they set up for everything, dude. They set up for St. Patrick's Day. I swear to God, there's no way they don't set up for St. Patrick's Day. And it's like, why are they doing that? You're in Florida. There's no Irish in West Palm Beach. They set up for Labor Day, dude. They set up for labor day dude they set up for boxing day in canada i swear to god they don't give a fuck they love setting up i've never been there where the

shit's been set up they're constantly setting up and it's like it's the truman show and i'm truman and every time i get there they're like oh okay here he here he is we gotta act like we're a real fucking place and they're just like older white people dude the audiences are fine you know they're okay there's like pockets that are good anytime you have a comedy club that's over 400 people it's like hard to really get going because it's just too big when you're in the back it might as well be like you're watching the show on tv like that's the thing if you're watching live comedy and you laugh it's cool but if you watch live comedy and you're laughing at home by yourself you're a fucking lunatic now i've done it but i'm just saying to be like watching a special and just by yourself and just be like ah like in in in Like in stand-up live, it's such a live medium, you know. It's basically the equivalent of if you're watching a concert at home,

you're holding your lighter up or your fucking cell phone by yourself. It's just sad. Eating Blue Apron just with your lighter. Leave me your hand. Leave me your hand. Leave me your hand. Leave me your hand. Babylon. Dude, I've had that song stuck in my head.

The Law and Order theme song stuck in my head for fucking three weeks now. Dude, I love when a show is so 90s and then it just is so successful and it keeps going and going. And now it's so funny because the thing about that, that show is so 90s that they can't redo the fucking theme song. You know what I'm talking about? So now even in 2018, the song comes on as 90s. on his 90s. The bass to where for sure. First of all, it's a bunch of fucking white guys doing the instruments

and that guy comes in. It's a fucking it's a black guy who's 60 years old that has a tan button down shirt and you just go and he just hits his shit. That's him and he has tinted glasses like John-Claude Van Damme would be like, damn, I need those. Law and order theme song. Law and order theme song.

Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom. Here we go. This is the theme song. This is it. Come on, baby. Let's play, babies. It's not playing here we go guys are not it's not doing it is it plugged in one fire is it plugged in it's not doing it one fire god damn it what, what a fucking, you know those porns where they're jerking the guy off and then they stop when the guy has an orgasm? What do they call it?

Ruined orgasm? That's what this is. Look at this one. It's called Eight Hours of Law and Order Theme. It was on mute. Why was it on fucking goddamn mute? Here we go. Here we go.

Here, this is the best. So 90s. Oh. That's the black guy that's 60 years old with a tan button-down shirt. Every time I think of people recording music in a studio, I think of there's one black guy with a tan button-down shirt. He's 60 years old. This is the most 90s shit.

This would be like if there was still a show, like a sitcom where people turned around to the camera and smiled and then it freeze-framed and then it showed their name. Eight hours of this. Who fucking uploads this? Right here. Eight hours of this. Who fucking uploads this?

Right here. What if you were on, what if you had, you know the shuffle? It's so, this is why I don't listen to fucking my iPad when I have sex or my iPod when I have sex

because then it'll shuffle and you'll be like, oh yeah, and it'll be like fucking some really dope shit by Genuine and then all of a sudden you'll be mid-stroking.

You're like, oh God oh god hold on let me move i shouldn't have put it on shuffle and then she's like oh yeah change it oh wait never mind then the bass comes in she's like never mind it's kind of funky that's uh yeah so anyway uh yo this guy i was watching the fucking by the way we're kind of all over the place but what the fuck was i luca man mon drop who's the guy who fucking... I was watching a Sword and Scale, which, you know, I like that podcast. Sword and Scale.

Luca... Luca... Mandra... It was like Luca something. Luca Magnata. This guy. I got to watch this guy's... I got to see everything on this guy

because he was like this gay model that did porn. And then I don't know if he did gay porn or what, but he ended up... He was like so narcissistic and self-centered. And then I don't know if he did gay porn or what, but he ended up – he was like so narcissistic and self-centered. And then he fucking – he like would torture cats and then he fucking killed a guy. I was listening to Sword and Scale. And dude, it's like fucking so fucked up.

He put an ad out on Craigslist. Dude, Craigslist is insane still. It's 2018. Who's still using Craigslist. Dude, Craigslist is insane still. It's 2018. Who's still using Craigslist? That's what I want to know. There's millions. There's billions and billions of apps. There are more apps.

There are billions and billions of apps. There are more apps than the follicles on my hair, on the follicles on my head. And if you look closely at my head, you'll see billions and billions of follicles on my head and if you look closely at my head you'll see billions and billions of follicles on my head um so apps start as companies and they meet in northern california and they develop what is known as an app and then billions and billions of companies will have more and more apps but yeah so this guy has uh puts out an ad on craigslist and he's like hey just want just for um want to something like want to take pictures of a guy and just want to see it was like a real vague thing but he's like i want you to i have some some shit i want you to do and he was like a real vague thing, but he's like, I want you to – I have some shit I want you to do.

And he was like, don't want – it's not for pay. This is just for fun. And a guy – how about – that's basically what the ad was. And a guy responded, yeah, I'll do it. I mean, what the fuck? That's how you know there's too many people out there. There should only be 100 million people. There shouldn't be 7 billion.

If a guy can put on a random fucking Craigslist ad, hey, I need somebody to come over and do some shit for me just for fun, no pay, and some other random guy will be like, I'll do it. Who is he? Fucking Michael Caine? I'll do it who is he fucking michael caine i'll do it i don't care what it is as long as you film it i'll do it so luco magnata which sounds like a fucking alias to a superhero or a villain i guess the guy comes over he's this asian guy he comes over and luca magnata ties him up blindfolds, and the guy's just chilling with his dick out. And then Luca Magnata fucking stabs him with an ice pick over and over again, cuts off his limbs, severs his head, and then fucks and then has sex with it. Yeah, dude.

Like real fucked up shit. And then uses – all I did was hear the reaction videos to it. I didn't see it. But in short and scale, it was showing like, it was playing the audio of the reaction videos. And the guy, they're like, oh my God, he's using the guy's hand, severed hand to jerk himself off. Oh, God. First of all, now I know it's fucked up but i mean he's definitely like he was so crazy that the order of things were just wrong where he was just like yo dude first of all get the

guy to jerk you off beforehand no pun intended but like jesus so sad but you know he was like, oh, goddammit, I forgot to get jerked off. Cut his arm off. Well, dammit, forgot to get jerked off. Oh, well, I'll just do it manually with his hand. Dude, that's some sick shit. He's 36, this guy, Luca Magnani, and he's in jail, obviously. I think he was Canadian. But I was listening to interviews of him and he was just like you know a lot of people say i'm just devastatingly good looking like he was one of these guys like one of these guys that like i got to start talking like this to really become like the ultimate alpha i really got to start talking like this well a lot of people say i'm

devastatingly good looking you know a lot of people say i'm alpha a lot of people say anytime someone says a lot of people say about themselves you're a fucking lunatic you know oh. A lot of people say anytime someone says a lot of people say about themselves, you're a fucking lunatic. You know? Oh no. A lot of people out there say I have fucking really great hair. A lot of people will say they like my tattoo. A lot of people say I have a good build. You know, it's a lunatic dude. Look at this, look at this on, on, on Craig, on Craig's list. One fire, just drag, drag this up in Sierra Madre, which of course it's in Sierra Madre, looking, look, first of all, it's called pegging, in parentheses, Arcadia, which is a city 35 minutes away from us. Looking for someone that's a bit on the dominant side for a pegging relationship.

If interested, send a pic. I am a 45-year-old woman? White male. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Okay. Okay, cool. Hey, man, you just opened yourself up for maybe some unsolicited services or offers. Dude, white male. Looking for someone that's a bit on the dominant side for a pegging relationship

by the way pegging if you don't know is when somebody puts on a strap on and they fuck you in the butt heck so i i suppose he wants a chick then right yeah because that's what pegging is otherwise a guy would just be fucking you in the butt with his regular penis um hey man sexually whatever you want whatever floats your boat that's cool man that's kind of fucked up that you got to go to here's another one looking for my buddy long beach looking for my buddy by the way is the best header i didn't read this yet here we go miss my buddy that well it says us to come by but it means you i mean if you're gonna put this on craigslist at least fucking spell check it I didn't read this yet. Here we go. Miss my buddy that, well, it says us to come by. But it means, I mean, if you're going to put this on Craigslist, at least fucking spell check it.

Miss my buddy that used to come by, kick back, and let me edge and drain his cock. I'm a 5'8", 185, thick Asian build. And then right under it, do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Dude, I mean, miss my buddy that used to come by. My favorite part about this is kick back. Like when he's letting him edge and drain his cock, he's definitely not doing any work. Like, well, I don't want to have to go over my fucking remodeling plans for my kitchen while you let me edge and drain your cock, bro. I want all that shit to be out of the way and done with for the day and then we can just kick back and you could let my fucking thick asian build edge and drain your cock dude anytime someone says something about draining their cock is hilarious because you're not draining anything dude whenever it

comes out it's always like i want to drain it like what, what is it, a sewer? It's your fucking bodily cock. What else is there? You peaked. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. You peaked. Chatsworth.

Here we go. You walked by my car and noticed me, and then in parentheses, hard. You noticed me hard. Watched for a short while, enjoying the presentation. Like you had a fucking pointer. I was nervous but couldn't help but be more turned on. Wish you stayed to the end. I'd love to resume.

Women only, no men please. And under that, do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. First of all, zillions and zillions and billions and billions of men are going to hit you up. There will be zero women that are hitting you up, especially women that you'd want. There will be fat and ugly, unattractive women with bad personalities known as gourds. I mean, unbelievable, these things.

These are the best. Oh, boy. Not this one? No, it's not good. I like how some of them are like, boy. Not this one? No, it's not good. I like how some of them are like, no. We just talked about how a guy was going to edge and drain someone's nuts while he kicked back with his Asian thick build. And then we read one and went, nah. Oh, man.

These are misconnections, right? Imagine seeing someone on the street and be like, oh, fuck it, I didn't say hi. I got to go run on Craigslist. Hey, man. These titles, some of these titles just... Seeking new friends, morning, hook up and joy, safarin. She loves electronic dance music. Here's another one.

Tammy. Horny male looking for fun. Oh, that's odd. What? This is Tammy. And then under it, Tammy Cass from Eagle Rock. We lived on Wikipedia.

How are you, mom, dad, and brother Brian? This is Dan Dan I mean hey man clean that one up before you send it out there's no punctuation at all it's all capitals like he's screaming out over a fucking waterfall um

alright I'm gonna read some I'm gonna go fucking pick up these cards I'm gonna read a fucking dance uh Blue Apron Blue Apron. Hey, Blue Apron is amazing, first of all. I've been eating Blue Apron two, three times a week, and I love it. I love it more and more.

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It is really good, you guys. Just don't even go to the grocery store. Just get Blue Apron and they'll send it to you and it's awesome. Okay, so Seat Geek. Good, you guys. Just don't even go to the grocery store. Just get Blue Apron and they'll send it to you and it's awesome. Okay. So SeatGeek. Getting tickets online can be far too complicated with hundreds of sites and varying levels of reliability. You know all those websites. They're so messed up.

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It's definitely a mouthful to say that. So anyway, all I'm trying to say is put this on your iPad and then put it on shuffle. And if you're lucky, while you're having sex? Download that. Oh, man. Amazing. now we love in heaven shit oh no no no no no what the fuck is going on here dude my brother's so weird about this shit he's always like hey is it okay if i post this picture of you and i'm just like yeah man i don't give a shit i'm always just like he's like can i post this picture of you and i'm like bro what the fuck would i care check this out wow so 90s can't even believe it um yeah oh did you hear akon is seriously trying to wants to run for president

oh my god dude all i've got to say about that is i am akon and i approve this message message. Convict music. Imagine having a president that sang a song called I'm so paid. Convict music. Look, have you had a lot of, you've had a lot of grand plans. Are you going to run for president? I've been thinking about running for 2020 very seriously but i don't want to just do it because i feel like i want to continue what i'm doing and hope that builds me enough momentum for people to say you know what if you run we'll support you imagine that dude dude

do you do you want more of the same or do you want one of you in office that's for your best interests I will cut funding on bullshit and I will also I will also I will also increase funding on trying

to help the homeless. Do you want another four years of the same in black and white? Would it be Trump running then? Yeah. Do you want want more do you want this racist orange man in president no more of the same i'll open the borders

donald trump lies i don't i really do fuck all those bitches. I'll fucking vote for Akon. Who gives a shit? You know? Who gives a shit? I can't believe how many people were affected by that fire, to be brutally honest. To be brutally honest. People are fucking friends are leaving their houses. That sucks.

God, how about those fire... Man, imagine being in there and fucking fighting those flames and shit. And just being... Oh, my God. What does it take for a man to be a fucking fireman? That's crazy. Don't they have the shortest life expectancy out of any job? Probably.

I heard something like, well, first of all, it's been 80,000 acres, which is like insane. And second of all, 80,000 acres, and then also it would go a second, an acre a second would flame up. An acre, I i mean you can't outrun it like you you just see it coming and you and you die you get burned alive what a worse way to go dude

i uh yeah that's uh 31 people have died so far sad shit man these fires are fucking crazy it's so crazy that they have like we don't have to worry about like tornadoes and fucking shit like that in LA we had to worry about earthquakes and fires fires bro uh i don't want to that's fucking sad man i was uh i had to do this benefit i had to cover for whitney because she was trying to save a giraffe and uh i went to uh she was like can you do my spot at the improv i'm supposed to do a fundraiser to try to raise money for pit bulls and i was like all right i'll do it i'll help you out and i was like i'll help pit bulls. And I was like, all right, I'll do it. I'll help you out. And I was like, I'll help pit bulls and I'll help. She was like, you'll literally, I'm in the fire saving animals.

So if you do this for me, you'll be saving my ass and you'll also be saving animals. And I was like, you know what, dude? How could I not do that? I was like, nah, let fucking 12 pigs die instead. how could i not do that after i was like nah let fucking 12 pigs die instead so i um so i went to do the thing and i was like i gotta go first because i still had to go to my family i had to meet up with my family i had a fucking family obligation and i went to go do it and they played these these benefits and these uh fundraisers that they do for comedy shows it's always it's good because it raises money but anytime you do fundraisers or benefits for a comedy show it's always for it's i mean 90 of the time it's for something sad so like you'll

be like they'll play and they'll play a video ahead beforehand and it'll be like this one where pitbulls and it was like oh in loving memory of this pitbull that died because another an owner tried to have it fight another pitbull and then like this people have negative stigma against pit bull because it's fear-based you know and this and that and it's uh you know um exacerbated in the media and i get that you know pit bulls are fucking sweet as shit but it's like dude they were these it was like oh so sad we miss you doggies and people were crying and then it was like ladies and gentlemen chris delia and then I go on stage and fucking ate plates of shit, dude. It was the first time I bombed in a long time. I don't know if I bombed.

I think I probably did. But I hope it got better afterwards. I had to leave immediately. But, yeah, I mean, it was just doing those fundraisers and benefits are so hard. But they get better as the night goes on, but it always starts with something sad. And somebody who's not a comedian always gets up first and makes a speech. And they're like, ladies and gentlemen, welcome Harland Williams.

And then Harland Williams wakes up and he's like, you dick ever get caught in a blender? And they're like, people are like, what? My name's Larry. And you're just like, what? My friend died of leukemia. You know? So anyway, shout out to Harlan Williams. He's hilarious.

Actually, that guy is fucking hilarious. For no actual reason, though. That guy is an anomaly. He's unbelievable. There's kind of nobody like him and he's so silly and there's like no structure but he's so funny and he murders dude he murders harland williams um he murders so much that they should play this after his set um yeah so uh anyway what was i gonna say god i hate when i forget what the fuck i was gonna say dude i had a good thing and it was about um it was about the uh the benefit

whatever but by the way also dude this is a good one we're just talking about random shit this is how i like the podcast man the fucking conor mcgregor meme dude or i don't even know if it's a meme yet but this shit made me laugh so this made me make conor mcgregor one of my favorite people uh oh no yeah this is fucking notorious notorious it's on instagram this fucking one right here glorious it's on instagram this fucking one right here fresh you the man you the man you are a man i mean dude he's in his fucking bathroom with his with by the way behind him there's a versace robe there's two versace rogues robes and he's fucking so lit i mean he's got to be fucking drunk or something but he is looking at himself in his bathroom and he goes and fucking makes an eye wink and then and then says all that shit that my favorite person right here

then says all that shit that my favorite person right here fresh fresh you the man you the man you are a man not even like that great you know wow 36 000 comments 10 million views you are a man you you're a man you are a man wow there's actually nothing more irish than that wow i would do that a hundred percent if i had 200 million dollars or whatever the fuck he's got Wow. I would do that 100%. If I had $200 million or whatever the fuck he's got, fuck that. I'd be taking videos like that all day long, posting all of them. I would have my own Instagram page just called Fuck You. Fuck all that shit.

I would just be showing my dick. You know what? I'd be showing my asshole. I'd be setting the camera up to make it take pictures in 10 seconds, and then I'd turn around, spread my butt cheeks, and have it go. And then I'd pick the best one and post that one. You are a man. You're the man.

You're the man. You are a man. I can't believe there haven't been that many fucking memes about that. Like when you get a deal at Best Boy you the man, you the man you are a man when she says my parents ain't home come over, you the man, you are a man oh I bet it fucking sounds pretty sick

like this too dude fucking sounds fucking sick like this I had a buddy It fucking sounds fucking sick like this. I had a buddy who would say sick only like that. Oh, dude, it's fucking sick. Here we go. This is what he... This is what...

Oh, it's dope like that. Fresh. You are a man. Oh, it's dope like that. Fresh. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Oh, wait. I got to read these other ads here. Sorry, guys. Goat.

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And thank you. Yeah. Canvac to music. Oh, my God. The best part about the Conor McGregor thing is the caption that he wrote is at Instagram. That's it. Wow. Guy's the man.

Guy's the man. I guess he's buddy with Schaub. Schaub says he fucking loves him. I don't know him, but... Wow. I don't know him. Did you guys also see the Idris Elba doll? That's not as good as the Cristian Ronaldo one, the bust.

But the Idris Elba doll, it literally looks like Montel Williams. It's unbelievable. It looks like a fucking – it looks like a younger Sam Jackson in the fucking – well, period, actually, in the Knightsman movie. I mean, it's Montel Jordan or William. Which one is it? I never know one. I mean, it's Montel Jordan or William. Which one is it?

I never know one. I never know which one is the one with the talk show with MS or which one is the other one that goes fucking. This is how I do it. It's Friday night. So loud. You know, the people in the booth when he's saying that were like, oh, my God, it's loud. Turn it. Just turn it down. Don't tell him to be quiet.

It's how he sings. This is how we do it. It's Friday night. The party's right. And it's how he sings this right this is how we do it it's friday night the party's right and it's over here on the fucking west side and i'm gonna reach and i'm gonna pick some my cup because i'm faded because i'm faded are you an og mac or a wannabe player this is the most bitch part it feels so good to be in my hood tonight. Just like it feels so good to be in my head. Dude, that's so not gangster to say that. It feels so good to be in my hood tonight. And then I fill it up. just describing what he's doing

within 20 minutes and also not worth singing about I mean it's one thing to say it's Friday night and the other, alright cool, it's Friday night, fuck yeah dude the party is here on the west side

so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up designated driver, take the keys to my truck. Hit the shut because I'm faded. Honey's in the street, say money, oh, he made it. It feels so good to be in my hood tonight. And the gangbangers forgot about the drive-by. Unbelievable. And the gangbangers forgot about the drive-by. Unbelievable. And the gangbangers forgot about the drive-by.

Yo, what's that shit we were supposed to do? I don't remember. It feels too good in my goddamn hood. The fuck was we supposed to do, dog? What the fuck was it? It felt like it was supposed to be important as shit. I don't remember, dog. It feels way too good to be in my hood.

So I done forgot. Wow, dude. Ever since I was a lowercase g. Oh, you know? Here we go not worth it to start like this just start the song wow dude the way it starts is amazing

just people at a party for fucking eight seconds. Literally dead fucking space. Just have it start and have the guy. And then he's just standing next to a chick and he says, This is how we do it. Rogue banging the TV TV one more time. Guys dancing with a sandwich. This is how we do it. Oh my god God that song

Bangs though Huh When that shit comes on I don't give a fuck If you're at a funeral You get up Be like oh man It's so sad

That fucking grandma's dead Oh man yeah She was young, too. She was like 63. God, that's sad. Oh, what the fuck? Did more people show up or something? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hey, guys, quiet down. This is a funeral. What the fuck? I don't even see people's mouths moving. What's going on? Oh, shit. You dropped grandma. You dropped the fucking casket, and she falls out a little bit.

This is how we do it. Grandma fell out of fucking casket and she falls out a little bit. This is how we do it. Grandma fell out of the casket. But it feels so good to be in my yard tonight. Except for grandma. Dude. Wow. How about how fucking videos used to be, man? They were just in a regular ass house.

If this song was made now, they'd be in a fucking house that like the bad guy in Fast and the Furious would own. You know what I mean? Dude, you got to make more videos in houses, bro. These fucking all these rappers and singers, they got the best houses ever. Also, hey, R&B music videos. How about you have a fucking shot of a couple arguing in slow motion more? And then a drink falls and breaks. You know what I mean?

then a drink falls and breaks you know what i mean oh my god the most r&b shit ever is to have an argument in slow motion with a marble floor on a marble floor and the fucking and somebody's drink falls and crashes to the ground and it fucking breaks open and it's like one i make your dreams come true two i fucking I fucking blew Zulu. Three. I like that song because it helps you learn how to count. Then to blow so far. And you're the only one for me. Five.

How far does it go? I'm playing live. Sixteen. I'm blown insane. Oh, no. A hundred and forty-seven. And then we start back at one. And you're like, we fucking got so high.

Why do we have to start over? My family says to sing like Brian McKnight. You ever see that one in fucking American Idol, dude? When the guy just comes and he sings. Then he's like, my family says to sing like Brian McKnight. And it's so bad. I wonder if we could find that American Idol. No?

No? Oh, come on. One Fire thinks we can't do it. And that's his attitude. That's why he's One Fire. Guy sings like Brian McKnight. Here we go. Here it is.

Fuck yeah, dude. First thing that came up. Paula? I'm speechless. It's a no. Thanks for coming out. Oh, oh. It's definitely no.

Oh, oh. Okay, so he's like lingering with his hand. First of all, he's lingering. He says no. And he like lingers and he's smiling, which is a bitch. And he's looking at him and he's got his hand behind his back like do you sure you want me to go because you know did you make your and then randy fucking whatever his name is says it's definitely a no and then he turns around and keeps walking and then here we go we're not going to change our minds definitely no look

it's still no look look look and then he goes to open the door and then he says oh come on now this is him right now still no still still Still no. Hang on. Hang on. What's the problem? By the way, thank you fucking Simon Cowell for saying, by the way, what's the problem? Because then the guy comes back in. Now, Simon Cowell, what he doesn't know what he's done right now is he's opened the fucking door to some of the best TV in fucking history. door to some of the best TV in fucking history. And of course, Simon Cowell, when he says this, his hands are behind his head because it

always looks like he's getting the best blowjob of all time. I know I can really sing real well. My family has told me I can sing. I know I can sing really well. My family said I could sing. They love you.

I really sound like brian mcknight what my family has told my family has told me that that i could sing like brian mcknight oh my family has told me that i i could sing like brian mcknight okay is that wrong well do you know Brian McKnight songs? First. First time I looked into your eyes. Dude, the best is that, I mean, so, well, do you know any Brian McKnight songs? And he doesn't say anything, and he just goes, First.

First. And you can hear that, when people sing, and you can hear the fucking nasal shit, he goes, First. First time that I look in your eyes. My dogs are barking because I'm singing like Brian McKnight. Heaven, oh, heaven in your eyes. Everything I did before that wasn't worth my while. It should have been you.

I mean, he couldn't look more insecure the way he's singing. It's unbelievable. You are the town. Now here's the actual Brian McKnight singing. He's covering Whitney Houston's I Have Nothing. Wow, dude, Brian McKnight is the shit. I didn't know he was so fucking kind of cool

looking. This is just a video of him looking at the camera. I guess he's playing the piano. Does he play? Looks like he's playing. Come on, bro. Get to it. Oh, so cocked. Now he's cracked his knuckles. All right, all right. Hold on, let. Get to it. Oh, so cocked.

Now he's cracked his knuckles. All right, all right. Hold on, let me close this door. Oh, it's fucking sick. I mean, when you... Okay, here we go. It's cool how much respect he has for her, though. Is that good? how much respect he has for her, though. Share my life. Take me for what I am. It's good.

Cause I'll never change all my colors for you. It's good. If you listen to this whole song, you don't cry, you're a fucking rock. Take my love. again. If you were listening to this whole song you don't cry, you're a fucking rock. It would be great if you took a sip of a coke right now. Like in between two fucking

words. Man, it would be so dope to be able to sing Uh oh Oh wow What the fuck does he do there? Oh, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, he's good, dude.

Who wrote this song? I Have Nothing. With Whitney Houston. Dude, he's so good. Somebody wrote under it. Dude, YouTube is amazing. Man, I thought he was Thanos from the thumbnail. That's racist.

Who wrote that? You know? I have nothing with fucking... What's it? I don't know. Her? She wrote it? She's so good because i said i have nothing uh one fire said to ivan get rid of how did you know what he was

playing because it's only in my earphones but i don't get rid get rid of is obviously fucking listening to him what i'm saying and i fucking want fire is like playing Bejeweled on his phone or some shit. I have nothing. What if you could sing well, though? You can't if you're listening to this, just so you know. Nobody who fucking listens to this podcast can sing. I'll fucking tell you right now. I have nothing, nothing, nothing. If I don't have you.

Dude, you know what this shit would be is if have nothing nothing nothing and the fucking oh no it's like the titanic all the fucking tables are hitting the side of the wall um and it's oh no her fucking pussy's too wet stop singing but you don't hear because you're too in it i have nothing it's friday night that's what i'm gonna sing to my fucking wife when i get married they'd be like and i would just like you to know how much I love you. Actually, this is how it's going to be. I'm going to be like, I just want you to know how much I love you. And I put together a little ditty.

I love you so much. And I'll be with you forever. Band, hit it. Here we go. I wrote this little song for you. I love you so much. I love you so much. When I met you on Tinder.

Oh, wait, it was Bumble, yeah Because you wrote me first And I couldn't write you on Bumble Because it's always a girl's job to write you first Because they don't let them in write you first anyway I love you Dude Saddam Don't let them inrate you first anyway. I love you. Dude. So dumb.

Yeah. I want to sing that to my fucking wife to be. Don't you know I love you. Dude, I think pretty much if I heard somebody else do my podcast word for word, I would fucking hate them. I would be like, this guy fucking sucks, dude. I'd be like, why is he? You know I love ya. You're so goddamn sexy. Love them titties and personality. damn sexy love them

titties and personality I can't wait to get you to the hotel after this and plan on having sex except we're too tired because the party and all the planning came to a fucking bubble.

And then we just kind of fall asleep and wake up and then go on a tiny bubble. I hate myself, dude. Fucking for real. I would hate this podcast. But whatever, dude. I guess that's about it. Oh, wait. Oh oh let's do Twitter let's do some Twitter questions

do we have some on fire what's the worst green room you ever had by Jeff Wilcox at Jeff Wilcox oof boy there's some great comedy clubs with terrible green rooms By Jeff Wilcox at Jeff Wilcox. Oh, boy. There's some great comedy clubs with terrible green rooms. First of all, any green room that doesn't have a bathroom in it is the worst.

Where you have to go use the regular bathroom where all the fucking patrons are using. And they're like, oh, can I get a picture? And your dick is out. Like there's one in Seattle that has that. It's like put a bathroom in the green room, bro. Like there's one in Seattle that has that. I was like, put a bathroom in the green room, bro. Oh, very good question.

Logan Lagodich. Logan Lagodich. At Logan Lagodich. Chris Lee, is it more cootie to watch a parade on TV or actually attend one? Also, are parades the most cootie thing in the planet? I mean, they're up there for sure. If you're going, because you're just going. If you're going to a parade, first of all, of all if you're the guy who is like yeah i'll go to the parade if you're setting it up oh we're all going okay i'll go then you're a kudo but if you're the guy that's like hey let's go

to a parade i'll set it up oh get a life but then you watch it on tv my dad oh every thanksgiving turn it on i like i just like oh, every Thanksgiving, turn it on. I like, I just like watching the, watching the parade. I like seeing all the floats. I like it. I don't know.

Fuck it. Don't even watch it. I just like it on in the background. Every Thanksgiving. Gotta watch fucking Spider-Man float around and shit. Manny Martin, at Method Manual.

Do I believe in aliens? Do you believe in aliens? I don't know. Maybe. Yeah, sure. I mean, they're probably, it's a big, big universe out there. You know what I mean? I think fucking if aliens came down here though and visited us, they would be like, wow, no worries here. These guys are fucking morons. Let's go back to our planet. Don't worry. Dum-dum-jum-jum-jum-jum-jum-jum. Is that it? These are fucking...

Oh, no, no, no. Favorite shows on TV. Who wants to know that shit? Who cares? What are you, a fucking... Favorite shows on TV? Hey, Chris, what's your favorite show on TV huh one time I was hanging out with a chick and she was like what's your favorite color and I'm like

I'm 32 what do you mean? I should have just fucking turned it around and been like, what's your favorite color? Colors. You boss. Sir. Fucking off color. Um, college bar. Um.

Anyway. Uh, yeah. What's your favorite color? No, no, no. I go like that when someone asked me that. I think I did that in my special or something. Did I? anyway yeah what's your favorite color no no no I go like that when someone asks me that I think I did that in my special or something did I I don't know don't ever ask a guy with facial hair what's your favorite color

what's that again oh yeah I said what's your favorite chair dude I don't remember shit if I don't do my bit for one week I don't remember shit. If I don't do my bit for one week, I don't remember anything. These meme accounts will go, congratulations pod memes accounts, will post some shit. And I'll be like, what the fuck does this one mean? I have to ask them.

I'll be like, what did I say here? And they're like, oh, you said Daniel Bedingfield is Perez Hilton with the mask on. And I'm like, okay. I don't remember that, but I hate myself. All right. So Blue Apron, check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash congrats. That's blueapron.com slash congrats to get your first three meals free. Download the cash app for free on the App Store or Google Play Market. Enter rewards code congrats, get $5 and give $5 to Time's Up. Thank you everybody for listening. Enter rewards code congrats. Get $5 and give $5 to Time's Up.

Thank you everybody for listening. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. It always comes out on YouTube a day later. Oh, and the store is almost back open, so you can check either later tonight or tomorrow and all the stuff will be for sale again. We were down for like five or six days on fire. And follow the leader. New dates for 2019 on

sale. The next one coming up is in Los Angeles. We've got a big one at the Wiltern. There's still tickets available for 2019 on sale. We got a – the next one coming up is in Los Angeles. We got a big one at the Wiltern. There's still tickets available for the late show. And subscribe and rate and review this show, please. It helps. Boston, Fresno, Bakersfield, Austin, San Antonio, Louisville, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Boulder, Colorado Springs, Salt Lake City, Madison, Milwaukee, Chicago, Seattle, Hamilton, Windsor, Kalamazoo, yada, yada, yada, Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, Lexington, yada, yada, yada, Albuquerque, Y, for some reason, Charlotte, North Carolina, Durham, Newport, New Virginia, for some reason. And anyway, we got it. So thank you very much for listening.

And remember, nothing. Just remember nothing from this. This is fucking – this is just – this was only for entertainment purposes and not for you to learn something. So, see you later. Thank you.