Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 96. You Got Shintaro

Episode Date: November 26, 2018

It's the 96th episode, almost to 100! On today's show, Chris talks about holiday shopping and everyone's obsession with deals. Also discussed: ginkgo biloba, Bill Clinton, Eric Trump, a very Italian story, Dwight Howard and general intolerance towards gay people, the military, religion, baseball, and favorite directors. Plus, we do Missed Connections, and Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Make your nights unforgettable with American Express. Unmissable show coming up? Good news. We've got access to pre-sale tickets so you don't miss it. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance.

Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Hey, what's up? What's up, my babies? How you guys doing? Guess what? Cyber fucking Monday. It's Cyber Monday.

You know what that means? Every, you know what that means? Five million emails when you wake up. You thought you got emails on Black Friday. You get emails. You're going to double it. You're going to keep doubling the emails. You're going to got emails on black friday you get emails you're gonna double it you're gonna keep doubling the emails you're gonna get emails on on friday but you're gonna double it you're gonna get double the amount of emails on monday for sabbath monday uh so yeah we got deals for

the babies man you go to chris d'alia.com and you can get this fucking hot shit right here. I'm wearing the Delia's Grand Slam tee. You can go get that hot shit. You can go get a few of them. Do you know why? Because it wouldn't make a fucking dent. If you're a, I mean, maybe it does make dents, but my, but dude, go ahead and fucking back up that Brinks truck artwork here that somebody made. Marlon Pruse right there. We got it on the video podcast.

We're going to hang up some artwork every now and then. That's what we're going to do. I used to have the cuda there, but now it's got my face on the Brinks truck, and he says, yum. We're live on my app right now for the most truest babies. You got the app. You can see what's going on there. But yeah, man, go to ChrisDelia.com and fucking Cyber Monday it up.

This is for free shipping, and there's also a fucking gift if you spend enough money or some shit. Man, people love deals, man. People love deals. You could be like, you want some fries? Nah. Well, they're 10% off. Cool. Give me them.

You want some fries? Do you want a bucket of shit? Nah, I'm good on my buckets of shit. Oh, it's 10% off. All right. Where do I put my credit card? By the way, the fucking thing isn't up. The thing.

One fire. He didn't set it up. What's it called? How do I open it? Where? Do. Singing. He goes like this.

Do. Oh, here it is. Got it. By the way, you want a bucket of shit? 10% off. Hey, Cyber Monday. You all good on your buckets of shit? Or did you need some buckets of shit?

Dude, the amount of shit people buy because of a deal is unreal. Hey, dude, do you want a steak? Nah, just ate. Just ate four steaks three minutes ago. Oh, yeah? It's 10% off. Well, then let me get three fucking steaks do you want a steak nah just a dude do you need a giraffe now why would i need a giraffe i live in a fucking one bedroom

well it's cyber monday where do i put well then in that case where do i put my credit card i'll have the giraffe pop his head out my bedroom window so anyway dude we're live on the app go to crystalia.com today only if you're listening to the video podcast you're not going to do it

cyber monday is over. But still, go. Because daddy's wearing the fucking D'Elia's Grand Slam shirt. Dude, I did the show at the Wiltern today. I did two shows at the Wiltern today. Today, on Friday. Now, are L.A. plays amazing? Yeah. Is it my favorite place to perform?

Yeah. Do family and friends always want to come? Yeah. Do I have to give them free tickets? Yes. Does it come out of my pocket? Yeah. Does it make a dent?

No. But is it annoying and stressful? Yeah. Do they all want to come backstage? Yes. Do you bring them all backstage? No. Do some people feel slighted?

Yes. Is it okay? It's fine. Do I lose friends? Probably. But do they still want to hang out because they want to be in the ink cart? Yes. Anyway. But did you still want to hang out because I want to be in the ink? Yes. Anyway, so I did the shows at the Wiltern, which were really, really fun and really great.

I love playing the big shows in L.A. because I'm usually at the comedy store, sometimes at the Laugh Factory and the improv. But it's so fun to do the big L.A. plays because people still come come out even though they can see me every um every week at the comedy store and shit and it's just so cool man and we did those play we did that we did that and then I started talking about this for some reason and I forget and that's just how it's going to be dude because I need to start taking some ginkgo biloba or whatever the fuck it's called ginkgo biloba ginkgo biloba ginkgo biloba Ginkgo biloba? Ginkgo biloba? Ginkgo bilobos? Ginkgo biloba. That's what it's called, right? Ginkgo biloba? Hey, change its name. Call it ball soup. What's ginkgo biloba anyway? Is that that shit with the balls in it? Oh, that's boba. Hey, if something's called ginkgo biloba,

then don't call something else boba. Dude, I'll tell you what, man. Here's the thing that's for real that I realized about an hour ago. If your name is Scott, Sean, or Steve, guess what? To me, you're just one of those guys. I have no idea what your name is. Hey, tell me your name's Steve. Okay. That's like saying your name's fucking Ginkgo Biloba. I won't remember it. Dude, that's your name, Steve or Sean or Scott. Dude, introduce yourself to me. Hi, what's going on? My name is Chris. Oh, hi, I'm Steve. Oh, cool. Hey, you got me. That's what I do when I, when I, when I meet a guy named Sean. Hey Chris, I'm Sean. Oh, really, Sean? You got me from now on. From now on, you got me. Steve, Sean, Scott.

First of all, the three whitest names of all time. The only name whiter than that is Adolph. Or, now, Donald. Dude, Donald used to be like a black guy name, I feel like. When I was in New Jersey, there were so many black guys named Donald. And they called him Donnie and shit. They're just like, yo, what's up? I'm Donald. Oh, cool. I wanted to be friends with some Donalds when I was a kid.

But now, I read a tweet today. I think about that guy, Julius Sharp, is it? And he was like, there's going to be as many in 50 years. There's going to be as many people named Donald as there are Adolf. That's a funny tweet. Yeah. So what was I saying, though, about the Steve, Sean, Scott? I have no idea, dude.

How are there three names that are like the same like that? I'm a white guy. I get confused. Imagine being a fucking Japanese guy and meeting a guy named Sean and then meeting a guy named Steve and then meeting a guy named Scott. You go like this. You go to me. Hello. I am, you know, something son cool i'm steve you got me hello my name is shintaro what is your name oh it's scott You got the Shintaro?

You got Shintaro. You got the Shintaro? Shit. I'm down for a silly goose time, and that's it. You motherfuckers want to talk politics? Sigh the fuck, Nara. Do me a favor. Catch you later.

I'm down for a silly goose time and that's it. Dude, it was Black Friday. Hopefully you didn't get trampled on. Hopefully you didn't die. People die every year on Friday. Dude, that's actually real sad. The day after you give thanks for everything that you're appreciated that you appreciate in your life you fucking trample on someone's face for a hitachi hey well i just want

to thank every i want to thank i'm i want you to know hey it's 12 p.m thursday night i want you to know thank you so much for everything my family my my my the food my job i have everything i ever needed and wanted really really. The important things. Thank God. And thank my family. I have a running car. My house, my apartment. I have a place to live.

I have a roof over my head. And it's 12 p.m. Oh, what happened? It turned 12.01? Cool. Let me trample on your face for a dyson oh a minute went by oh well then real quick let me bend your fucking fingers back so I can grab that Black & Decker. Let me bend your fucking wedding finger back.

Anyway. Yeah, so Steve Scott. I don't know. Yeah, there's always somebody dying on fucking Black Friday. Nobody dies on Cyber Monday, though, because they're just all like... That'd be great if Cyber Monday got so crazy that someone died. That they're just like... Trying so hard that their fucking fingers just catch fire on the keyboard and they go...

And they're just like, Cyber Monday is now a danger. Cyber Monday frenzy. Look at these people grabbing shit black friday frenzy they're just grabbing leopard print shit they don't even need it oh man we build this fucking thing where people can't make we build this society where it's so hard for people to make money and then people make deals and then we wonder why they do it well we're bad people hey, we're bad people. Hey, everyone, we're bad people. Catch you later. So anyway, I feel like that's real sad and it should be fucking rectified. But what the fuck do I know?

I know nothing about that. thing last night on A&E about how Clinton was just really, really loved talking about policy and really loved and wanted to help the world, but also couldn't stop raw dogging random women. Yeah, let's talk about the economy. Oh, wait, hold on one second. Hi, how are you? Please turn around. Oh, wait, hold on one second. Hi, how are you?

Please turn around. Yeah, I sure would like to feed all the homeless in America. Wait, hold on one second. Excuse me, ma'am. Why are your knees on the floor? Dude, the guy's a dog, dude. I don't know, you know. Like, if the internet was around when clinton oh forget it he would have been the i don't know what he he but what i'm watching i'm watching the shit and

it was like this woman said that he was uh that he propositioned her or something on the on the job i don't really remember already i don't remember i saw it yesterday by the way i need to take some fucking ginkgo biloba but um yeah it's called the clinton affair on a and e and i was watching it and like that's literally every day now for the president it's so crazy to see how times have changed god bill clinton was he's one of those guys that was the shit and knew he was the shit too. Like he would just be like, what do they call it? The Clinton, the full Bill?

The full Bill Clinton, that's what they call it. Like if he paid attention to you and immediately your pussy got wet. Even if you didn't have a pussy. If you were a guy, your butthole got wet. Gross. It's gross. gross it's gross uh so anyway i'm watching that and monica lewinsky describing like how she had a crush on him after she met him was just it's just like she was dude it's that power man some women love that power shit that's just how it is though you

know but there's always a guy more powerful so hopefully your woman doesn't like the power shit because if she does you can lose your girl you can lose your girl when it comes to the president bro you hey dude you think donald trump couldn't steal my girl in a fucking hot second are you kidding me forget it that's like big tits for a guy Fucking hot second? Are you kidding me? Forget it. That's like big tits for a guy. Me walking down the street with my chick and Donnie Trump comes by? Forget it.

Even Donald Trump's son, the ugly one that looks like he's in the Hills Have Eyes, even when he comes by. Hey, what's up up my girl's gone um yeah donald trump could steal my girl no doubt uh who's that eric trump jesus christ eric trump hey eric trump why don't you spread the features out in your face his eyes and nose and mouth are trying to have a party together um so yeah uh anyway what the fuck was i talking about um bill clinton wow dude the notes i have here i have no idea what any of them mean

it's unbelievable. Jesus Christ. This is one I have. This is a note I have. What could it mean? Thinking about life. What am I, fucking 15? How much do you think about life when you're 15, by the way? You're just like, oh, I remember what it was. Oh, I remember what this note was. This is hilarious.

So I was talking to my Italian friend, Gianfranco Tordi, the most Italian name of all time, Gianfranco Tordi. By the way, spelled G-I-A-N, not John. Dude, if you spell John G-I-A-N, you're so Italian, you might as well be fucking cramming pizza in your goddamn mouth. And looking at a painting. Or painting a painting, actually. So he was talking to me.

He was like, the first place that I ever was in America was North Carolina. And this is so fucking funny to me. I don't know if you got, yeah, no, you know what? The babies are like this shit. So he was doing, he was there. He didn't know where he was. I don't even know why he was there, but he was telling me he was staying in North Carolina, maybe with some friends. I don't know, but some like little small town. And he went to the park and he was hanging out on a bench at a park like a fucking pedophile, just chilling, like being so Italian, not knowing, not even thinking it's weird. Italians will come to America and do shit that is weird kind of, but you don't even like necessarily know it's weird because you're Italian and it's okay in Italy, like hanging out at a park like it times you could just go to a park and chill

probably as an italian and just roll up your fucking white t-shirt sleeves and just like be like ah it's a beautiful day isn't it and have a cigarette and like throw a ball around and like when a woman goes by you just go oh hello you do that thing we go look at that beautiful woman huh how about that i would love to put my fingers in your pussy when you walk by just let me hide my fingers for two seconds it's a siesta what does it matter it's midday we don't work from one till four let me stick my fingers in your pussy under your sundress during the siesta then you go back to sunglass hut so he was in the small town in North Carolina, chilling on a park bench.

And he almost got arrested for it. That's how fucking American these cops were. And that's how Italian he was. The cops drove by and said, hey, man, what are you doing? And it was his first day in America. And he said, well, what do you mean? Because he could barely speak English. And they were like, what are

you doing hanging around at the park bench? And he was like, and he literally said, I'm just thinking about life. First of all, that's so Italian to to say i'm just thinking about life on a park bench it's not even new school you i get that's not even fucking it that's like a that's like a black and white italian movie that's like a movie that felini made where some tall lanky string bean italian is just sitting on a bench alone and a cop the policia come by and they're just like what do you do it or polizzi or whatever the fuck they call it politica not so and they say what are you doing and he says thinking about life and the cops said and the cops like were like what do you mean thinking about life and they gave him a hard time and they almost fucking arrested him and he he meant and the cop

and and the cop and the cops he ended up saying to the cops can i not be can i not think about life on the park bench it's like and they were probably like you talking back to us you fucking italian that's you know that they were thinking about just these fat north carolinian cops north fat north carolin. Dude, thinking about life. Imagine if you were just some guy and the cops came by and they're like, what are you doing? And you're like thinking about life. Imagine if you were a black guy and white cops came up to you, dude, that's a fucking

death sentence, man. With the way the cops treat black people now. Is this sad? Hey, will you put that fan towards me? Will you? Yeah, I already turned it on. Yeah, swivel it. Cool.

Great, thanks. I mean, you know. Yeah, I'm just going to swivel it. Hey, no shit. That's what I told you to do. I'm on fire. So, yeah. Oh, man, that made me laugh when he told me that.

I hadn't seen him in a long time. And then he came to my Wiltern show. Also, how Italian is this? He came to the Wiltern show and sat in the front row and fucking I didn't know. He wore white pants. The guy's fucking 6'6". Wore white pants in the front row.

Couldn't take my eyes off it. Always clocked his white pants. It's so Oh dude, how Italian is clocked his white pants it's so it's oh dude how italian is it to wear white pants and spill spaghetti sauce on it dude thinking about life that's right that's what he said ah man so good i don't know, man.

And so then I did the San Francisco show Saturday, which was awesome. We did one of those there at the Masonic Theater. There's not a bad seat in the house at the Masonic Theater, man. They do that. That theater is good. They do it so it's like it's kind of rounded a little bit. I mean, it doesn't go. It's not in the round, like it's kind of rounded a little bit. I mean, it doesn't go. It's not in the round, but it's kind of rounded.

There's really not a bad seat in the house, man. And there was a great show, and my opener did way too long, and I fucking got mad at them. And then for the first 10 minutes, I was angry during my set, and then I calmed down because I was like, got to fucking calm down for the audience. Got to make sure they're good. Got to make sure some of these people have been waiting to see me.

You know? Yeah, there's not a bad seat in the house there. San Francisco, man. I always forget how, like, gay San Francisco is. No, I shouldn't say how gay it is, how out everyone is there. Because there are some secret gay people all over. But in San Francisco, it's awesome how they're just like, yeah, be gay. Fuck it.

I mean, everybody was out. I felt like it was just fucking, I'm coming up. I want the world to know. I'm coming up. I mean, we got there and everyone was, wherever we ate, it was like, can I take your order? I walked into fucking, you walk,

I mean, dude, it was, I just, you know, it will be great. The day there's like super flamboyantly gay cops. That's what, that will be the shit. When there's cops,

it's never just going to be the first to do it. Or you, or somewhere in Utah, you know, and they just pull you over and they're like, do you know why I pulled you over? And you're like, Oh, was I speeding a little bit? And he would just be like, no, you looked hot.

No, I just wanted to talk. What's up? And you're like, oh, shit, gay cops are out now. Oh, shit, gay cops are some shit? It's like the gayest profession is like a flight attendant you know if you're a guy for some reason being 30 000 feet in the air makes you want to fuck guys but like when cops or like military guy or like a gay sergeant in the military just like a tan hot we gotta go out there and fight the Iraqis.

We got to go out there and beat up ISIS. Attend hot. Grab the guns. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. And just out. That'd be the shit. Out military guys just like this with their guns. With like a really nice fucking, like it's still camouflaged, but it's like a dope. It's got like a really nice fucking like it's still camouflage but it's like a dope

it's got like a dope collar and like a cool like fucking like fashionable hat like one of those ones that pharrell wears but it's camouflage they're like fuck the enemies are encroaching and they'll be like well are any of them good looking it doesn't matter they're the don't get don't get lost in their eyes don't get lost in their eyes they're the enemy get them pow and as they shoot they also go pow pow shorts on but but they're gonna see your shins. Fuck it. Fashion is pain. Pow, pow. I can't wait for that day. You think I'm fucking around and joking?

Because that's the thing, man. This whole thing with like, just like being how it's not manly to be gay. Fuck that. It is manly to be gay. You can be gay and also manly. And cops should know that and the military should know that.

Fuck that, dude. That's the world I want to live in. Just gay-ass fucking manly dudes being out, living their life, happy as shit, fucking guys. I'm loving it. Happy as shit. Fucking guys. Loving it.

Gay ass bodybuilders. Want it. Gay ass firemen. Gay cops. Military. Killing it, dude. I want to be protected by them. Screaming pow pow while they click the trigger.

Screaming pow pow while they click the trigger. all right dude gonna do some fucking ads okay you guys what's up you know that's the thing too about obviously like i was looking at this well actually that what's that basketball player's name dwight howard uh how he was apparently supposedly allegedly having sex with um uh transgendered uh i don't well it was a guy he had sex with somebody who identified as a guy but also dressed as a woman i don't really know the whole main shit or the whole technical shit about it. But anyway, he, she, I don't know if he goes by he or she, but they exposed him.

And now everyone's like, all the fucking ignorant people are like, ew, gross, he's gay, which is stupid, you know? Like that's what I was talking about before the break. I was like, oh, yeah, like basketball players, gay basketball players would be the shit. You know they're there anyway, but they can't come out of the closet, which sucks because of the culture.

And it was amazing. I just went online and I looked at people like – I looked at people like bashing him for it, you know? It was just like sad. Like sports culture just – as of now, they're just – they have no room for out players, which is so stupid. And I tweeted – this guy tweeted this thing. no room for out players, which is so stupid. And I tweeted, this guy tweeted this thing.

Pull it up. You know what I'm talking about. Oh, hell, can't. Oh, hell no. I can't believe I shook Dwight Howard homo ass hands now with a crying emoji. And then the picture of him and Dwight Howard. And then I wrote, this guy asked for a picture. This guy asks for a picture.

Dwight Howard was nice enough to take it with him. Then this asshole finds out Dwight Howard is gay, supposedly, I don't know, or whatever, and uses the picture to slur him because of that. This is the worst kind of asshole. So I went on this guy's timeline, and I looked at his timeline, and just to, you know, see what kind of guy he was and he was saying shit like against gays uh and that's yeah so he writes uh yeah go down there look at this guy what is this guy's weird arguments dude famous people and people with money are not always happy

at crystalia has been mentioning me since yesterday that's sad i mean he keeps writing back to me um yeah no i just wrote about how he's the guy's an asshole and the guy's like oh you're a comedian you you're a hypocrite because you you don't say sorry for your jokes and i'm like yeah but it's not a joke the guy's like he said oh yeah don't mention allah's name with with lgbq or whatever it is lgbq what is it they change they keep changing it i don't mention Allah's name with LGBTQ or whatever it is. LGBTQ, what is it? They keep changing it. I don't know.

I'm such an idiot. But he was like, yeah, Allah. He said, don't use Allah's name with something like that, talking about some guy who is for LGBTQ. Go down. LGBTQ, go down. And then he says, LBGT and religion don't go together, and every LBGT member knows this.

Read about the story of Prophet Lutt and restudy your religion. To me, you're lost, but to each his own, which is like he's saying, like, don't be gay. And so he's going on and on about how it's not right. And then he's like calling me a hypocrite. Cause I'm making a joke about it or no. Cause I make jokes and I don't apologize for them. And I'm like, what the fuck?

And then under this guy's shit, he goes, um, like I scrolled down on his page and it was like, saying shit like, listen before you judge and understand and it was like saying shit like, listen before you judge and understand before. And it's just like, who are these people?

Dude, who are these people? It drives me nuts that some, but first of all, first of all, it's annoying when somebody tries to say you can and can't do this. We all know that nobody likes that shit. Okay. So to say you can and can't do this. We all know that. Nobody likes that shit. Okay?

So to say like you can't fuck a guy because you're a guy is absolutely fucking asinine. And then to take the picture, to ask a guy for a picture because you're a fan and then have the guy take it nice enough, didn't have to,

and then be like, oh, look at this fucking guy who doesn't do what I want him to do and post a picture and shame him for it. It's just you're the lowest kind of person. You're a fucking bitch, dude. You're a piece of shit. You got what you wanted and then you're like, oh, he's not what I wanted. Ah, fuck it. I'm going to put him on blast. You know what you are?

You're a fucking hooker. That's what you are. You're a fucking bitch, dude. You're not a real man. Your attitude changed. Nothing changed but you. If Dwight Howard was gay, is is gay then he's gay then too your attitude changed so now you're gonna put him on blast for it when he was nice enough to

take a picture you're the worst kind of fucking asshole dude religion sucks, dude. Like, they fucking put all these rules on who you can't put your dick inside of. It fucking sucks. Like, straight up. Yeah, okay, you have a good family unit because of religion. But let's get it to fucking gather, religion. You fucking suck if you think...

Like... I don't, oh, God, it's so hard to talk about because it drives me nuts. Like, these religions were just like, yeah, do whatever you want, but also don't do that. Like, how do you not see that you're a piece of fucking shit religion if that's what you're doing? So many religions are like that. No, I don't believe in gay. Oh, it's a choice. Oh, this and that.

Why does it even fucking matter that much? Truthfully, it doesn't. It truthfully doesn't. Do you want to see it? I don't want to see a guy fucking a girl out at a fucking starbucks i don't want to see any of that shit it has nothing to do with being gay i don't give a shit it just sucks dude if you're the kind of person that thinks i'm religious oh yeah oh yeah but it's good for the families but there's all right well so what i don't give a shit be good for the world also let people do what the fuck they want as long as they're not hurting anybody i just it drives me nuts man it'd be so cool if a basketball player came out

of the closet was like i'm gay and i'm going to still do slam dunks. But it makes it – I mean, dude, he'd be fucking legit beat up. It's like life would be in danger. And that's a huge problem. I wish the Pope would just come out and be like, you know, hey, Catholics, be gay if you want. I don't know. Whatever. Hey, Catholics, be gay.

And then. I ain't got no motherfucking. That's why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker. All right. Get these out of the way. Yeah. So a little bit serious before that last break, didn't I? About being gay and coming out of the closet.

But that's what's up. Saw Evan Hansen, speaking of gay. Musicals. I just saw the Evan Hansen, Dear Evan Hansen, and they were killing it. That shit is awesome. Have you seen Dear Evan Hansen? Dude, the lead on that, it's not Ben Platt in the Los Angeles version, but it's – I don't know the guy's name, but boy, was he good.

I heard Ben Platt was amazing too. He must have been. He won the Tony for it, I believe. I believe uh but man it was so funny too because they like I don't know I mean obviously like musical theater is like you know uh there's a lot of uh talking about you talk about sports being gay in sports is not uh quote-, allowed. The culture doesn't allow it. In the exact opposite when it comes to musical theater. And Ben Levi Ross is who the guy was. He was, yeah, God, he was great.

He was great. I went on his Instagram and I went on Ben Platt's Instagram because he did the original role for Dear Evan Hansen on Broadway. And he can sing that motherfucker. Anyway, it was so funny to imagine. First of all, I cried the whole time. I cried the whole time. Why? Because I'm a softie.

Yeah. I didn't even know what it was about. I didn't even know what it was about. I didn't even know what it was about. And I sat there and watched it. And the... Anyway, the guy who... It was funny to think about because the whole play was good. The music was good.

And then there was a part where the the guy the main part evan hansen was not in we didn't have like a father figure in the in the in the musical and so this other father figure i don't want to ruin it but this other father figure kind of like is like in the garage with him and he teaches him how to like have a glove, break in a baseball glove. It's one of the songs in the musical. Let me, Evan Hansen, baseball glove. So, and they, to break in in a glove as the song is called and it was so funny to think of

sports which the culture hasn't caught up with being out yet and the musical which is like the gayest thing besides fucking a guy if you're a guy or eating a pussy if you're a chick uh and to see those worlds collide and it was like it was called the breaking a glove and the guy was like you know how to break in a baseball glove and the kid was like oh you just play baseball with it and he was like nah what you want to do is you want to take shaving cream and you want to rub it in. And you want to then tie it up real tight with a baseball in it. And you got to do it five to six nights. You got to stick with it if you want to make it work.

But that's how everything is. You got to stick with it. thing is you gotta stick with it and it was like it was so obvious it was so funny to think about a gay guy writing that music that song it was like so like like they might have well been like and that's how you do it if you want to play the baseball sport. Like it was just so... Running around the bases with guys with tight muscles around in the baseball sport. Like gay guys writing about sports singing.

You gotta put the ball, you gotta put the ball in the glove and then tie it around real tight. And then you can play the baseball sport. Singing to another guy about baseball. The baseball sport. Running around bases and shagging fly balls and there's an on-deck circle in the baseball sport just googled it a gay guy just googled it pinch hitting smashing baseballs over the fucking wall for a homer. And if it bounces and then goes over the wall, it's still a homer,

but it's called a ground roll double in the baseball sport. Kiss a guy. Baseball, running around bases. You're out, you're out, you're out, boners. Oops, you're out, you're out, you're out, boners, oops, you're out, you're out, you're out, boners, oops, didn't mean the last part. Rounding third, double play, boners, oops, double plays.

Rimming, shagging fly balls. Rimming shagging fly balls. Jiggy Cox off. The baseball sport. Men facials. The baseball sport. There's a coach. Rimming the baseball sport.

I mean, so funny. You got to really stick with it. You got to put a ball in the baseball mitt. You got to put shaving cream on it. And you got to wrap it tight. But you got to do it for nights and nights on end or it doesn't work. But that's what anything's like in this world. In the baseball sport. Rimming the baseball sport.

Coming on, guysming the baseball sport. Coming on, guys, the baseball sport. Fucking men, if you're a man, the baseball sport. Squirting on, guys, the baseball sport. The baseball sport. So dumb, dude. This podcast sucks. This podcast fucking sucks. But whatever helps you back up the Brinks.

You know what? We had fucking ads today because we need to back up the goddamn Brinks truck, dude. We really need to back up this goddamn Brinks truck. And I'll tell you what, dude, because it's Christmas, and we got to keep making sure that fucking when... when...

when I take money out my bank account, it doesn't make a fucking dent, dude. That's what we do. Do you know what I'm talking about? Stop. We need to make that on kill. We need to make that on kill. What is this one?

Dude. Christmas? Getting your gifts before Christmas? Wow, that's amazing. Christmas? Getting your gifts before Christmas? That ain't no problem. That ain't no problem. Wow, that's amazing. That ain't no problem. That ain't no problem. That ain't no problem.

Um, huh? My still favorite one is when the guy goes, huh? It's so racist. I don't give a fuck. That ain't no problem. Right here. That ain't no problem. So racist.

Huh? Is that some black shit I don't know about? What's up with? I don't know about what's up with I don't know man anyway Evan Hansen's great cried the whole time it is what it is my babies

I don't know what these fucking notes are. I've been, well, Christmas is coming up. You guys, are you going to do your Christmas? Are you going to do your Christmas shopping early?

I always say I'm going to do it early every year. And then I don't do it till the 27th. I like cut pictures out of stuff i'm like that's what i got you i'm the worst dude when i have kids i hope when i have kids i is that a thing like people say when you get when you get uh kid when you have kids you you like you become like more more responsible but also you could probably become less responsible too I gotta get the kids gifts when I have kids I gotta have kids I gotta get them gifts dude

early but that's the other thing too if I buy someone a gift early I'm just gonna give it to them early I gotta find the balance in there I gotta find the fucking balance but yeah good holiday got to find the fucking balance. But yeah, good holiday gift giving is the fucking... I mean, look, you can do what you want. It's free conch.

But you know what I mean. What's this one here? Is this a... It's free conch. Nice. What else happened this week? Oh, I'm going to Boston. I'm excited for the Boston shows,

man. We got fucking, uh, uh, Wilbur four shows sold out. And I'm also playing Medford, which there's some tickets left because I couldn't get Wilbur on the night before one fire,

all my, all my people, but there's still tickets left for Medford. So you can come to the Medford shows. Um, I would love for you to come by the way, we got to do, we got to start looking at Craigslist ads more.

Do you have that? You fucked up on fire. I haven't get rid of isn't even here right now. He's sick. So we don't want to get sick for the Boston shows. So remember, you know, that shirt,

this is my fucking New York shirt. That shirt. Did you see that? Go to Craigslist. Let's look at some Craigslist ads. Let's look at some Craigslist ads. Craigslist ads. By the way, Apple, you got to stop making shit

that you can lose so easy. How about this fucking thing? Look at the video podcast. This connector bullshit that you put with the headphones and then you stick it in your phone. Go fuck yourself, Apple. Look at this shit. This is made for losing.

You know what else? AirPods. Dude, there should be a – if you lose your AirPods, you should be able to get AirPods for free again. Make them – at least make them like neon, you know? Look at this. Go up. Scroll up. Oh, wait hold on okay incredibly hot dark-haired guy at ralph's on vineland this am i used to go to that ralph's you were the this is it dude you

are the incredibly hot dark-haired athletic guy in ralph's at vine at vineland oh he's doing it while he's there you are the incredibly hot dark-haired athletic guy in ralph's at Vineland. Oh, he's doing it while he's there. You are the incredibly hot, dark haired, athletic guy in Ralph's at Vineland and Magnolia in NoHo this morning. Very discreet guy here. I got boned just looking at you and would love to take care of you. No recipe, no strings. Hey, what's this guy talking about? We'll jack you off or otherwise up to you. I like how he gave a suggestion, but also was like, you know what, whatever. I'm kind of like the,

my style is I jack guys off, but Hey, look, whatever you're into, you want to fuck me while feeding me chocolate cake. I'll do that too. If this was you reply with description and we can make it, we can take it from there.

I am very discreet and clean. And then my favorite part, do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Imagine being like, hey, contact me and be like, hey, but do you want to buy my TV though? I'll jack you off or whatever you want. Why even? Here's another one. Look at this.

This one's called rotten cheaters you are a woman who loathes cheating men and wants to talk do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers we got to hit up these guys and be like hey dude i have a couch for sale want to buy it what what is that man for woman head doctor does that mean sucking dick down last one this one that says man for woman head doctor in parentheses co. Looking for a white girl who loves to deep throat. Hmm. Do not contact me with unsolicited service or offers. Oh, God, that makes me want to fucking just say, I've got some Best Buy coupons I'll sell to you for half price. To the thick woman at Whole Foods.

What is this world? To the thick woman at Whole Foods Porter Ranch. In parentheses, Porter Ranch. Oh, thanks, bud. That's where it was? Cool. Said in the title. This was at Whole Foods in Porter Ranch on 11-21-18. I was in the baking aisle, I think, and I kept locking eyes with a nice, thick, extra curvaceous woman,

but I didn't get the chance to say something. And I'll admit I liked what I had seen. You definitely had some booty on you, very thick or extra thick curvy. What? You passed me a few times, so not sure if you wanted to say something also but if you think this is you message me maybe we can chat and exchange some pics to see if it was you do not contact me with unsolicited service or offers i like how he said seeing you definitely had some booty on you very thick or extra thick curvy.

Like if you're the woman that's going to this encounters shit on Craigslist you're like, I was very thick not curvy. No, it wasn't me. She'll make it work if she's looking you know oh man these are the best man checking out the bulge that's what the title is by the way if

there was a movie called man checking out the bulge that'd be the only movie i would get tickets before it came out no doubt with. With Liam Neeson. Liam Neeson was in a movie called Man Checking Out the Bulge. I would pre-order all of the tickets to my closest theater opening day. I'm checking out your bulge. I have got a special set of skills. It's for checking out bulges. If you've got a bulge, I will find you.

If you've got a bulge in your jeans, I will find you. And I will kill you. But before that, I'll suck your cock. I'll jack you off for whatever you want. Hello. If you've got a bulge, I will find you, and I will kill you. But first, I'll jack you off for whatever you want. It's up to you.

Anyway, after that, I will kill you. Um, man checking out the bulge, Santa Clarita. You were in the meat aisle. I was wearing tight jeans with no underwear. You saw the bulge and looked at me and smiled. You stared. I never wear underwear. Love to show it off again.

Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Or I will kill you. But first, I'll jack you off while I wear no underwear or whatever you want. Dude, I like how he made it cute. You were in the meat aisle. Like, wink, wink. I was wearing tight jeans with no underwear. By the way, you wouldn't be able to know if you were...

You saw the bulge and you looked at me and smiled. If it was Liam Neeson, I would be on a train. I was on a train and it was going nonstop. You were... I wasn't wearing underwear. Something else that was nonstop was my bulge. It went around the side of my hip and back towards my ass, so you could have seen my bulge when I was walking away, hooked around.

You might have seen the tip of my penis in the middle of my right butt cheek, because that's how far it bends around my bulge. Anyway, jack me off or whatever you want. It's up to you. But I will kill you. I will find you. Oh, look at this. Can I taste you again?

How did this guy taste the guy already and not get his info? Hey, let me fucking suck your dick. Bye. Oops, I should have got his email. Well, guess I could go to Craigslist. We used to meet up early between 8 and 9 a.m. and I would service you orally and you'd return the favor. It was nothing more than mutual oral.

I'm hoping I can find someone to continue this with. I like how it's, hey, if you're not this guy but reading this, I'm down. If you like what you hear, please feel free to respond. I'm a married Latino, 5'7", husky built, 275. Well, I'll say, wow, Jesus Christ. 5'7", 275, husky built. Very clean, good hygiene, tanned complexion, few tattoos.

Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Wow. Husky built. I'll say. More like fat guy, huh? How about fucking fat guys who are like, yeah, I'm husky. Yeah? You husky?

Or did you roll here? Did your head hit the ground at any point? Did you roll here? I don't know. Should we do Twitter questions? Are there questions here? Do we have some? Can I taste you again?

Hey, can I taste you again? Let me get your email. No? Whatever. Let me taste you again. Okay. What do you think about... At Crystal this is jcle94 what do you think about non-military people using military time on their phone and making a point to tell you the time military time well i had an ex-girlfriend that still does this she's a friend of mine but she uses military

time for some fucking reason i don't know why she used to go on hikes maybe fucking reason. I don't know why. She used to go on hikes. Maybe that's why. I don't know. But she won't say it's fucking 1830. That would drive me nuts. If you do that and you have nothing to do with the military, even if you do, adapt to society. You know what I mean? Nobody's wearing fucking camo around here unless you are.

But then you're kind of one time i was at a bus rhymes concert concert and i saw a chick in full camo gear dan like at the concert like bought a ticket and she was in front of me i i also can't believe i was at a bus to rhymes concert i 19. My buddy wanted to go. And when I was watching it, he was like, my buddy was, Busta Rhymes was like,

this is the best part of any concert I've been to. He's like, this next dance is called the take off your clothes. And he would do this song and he was just pretending to take, pretending to take his clothes off, like miming what it would be like if he took his clothes off. That's it. And it would be like if he took his clothes off. That's it.

And it would be like, hit you with no delay and say what you're saying, yo. Nothing, huh? Silly with my nine milli with the drillio. Okay. And he was pretending to take his pants off while saying that. Ridiculous. and he was pretending to take his pants off while saying that ridiculous um um the damien montez at nipples and toes 28 change it it's free conch but change it what was your last game system you

had before life came in i mean what was this guy a fucking robot what was your last game system you had before life came in life came in you mean until until i grew up do you still play video games now uh i don't i have all the systems for some reason last game system i have so i have them all i just don't play them uh and uh that's it really about that fucking way to go with that question bud uh no yeah i don't really play video games because i don't want to start off born. I want to start off Mario already. If you make me start off, I swear to God, I played a game where the first opening of the game, this is the last game I played. The opening of the game was you came out of your mom's vagina and then you had Hey, no. Okay? I want to start out with a mustache already in a video game. I mean, oh, you got to learn how to crawl.

What? I think it was Fallout, the game Fallout. Bobby Lee was like, you got to play this game. And I bought it and then fucking legitimately opened my eyes for the first time in a video game. You're a baby. I know. Hey, video game creators, where's the mushroom for me to jump on? That's it.

Austin Lopez. Who are some of your favorite directors? David Lynch, uh, Stanley Kubrick, favorite of all time. John, John Cassavetes.

Uh, I like other ones too. Um, also my dad. Favorite director. Um, but yeah, no. I love Kubrick because you can tell by his movies that he just fucking loved making them. I like David Lynch because he's a fucking lunatic.

Have you ever been on David Lynch's website? I don't know if it's like this anymore, but like eight years ago I went on and it has like short films and artwork that he does, which is all incredible. And then he has a part where you can click on the weather and he does weather reports. He's like sunny day here in Malibu, not a cloud in sight. And that's it. And he's sitting outside on his patio. a little bit of rain coming down from the clouds precipitation is always something we need sometimes anyway have a good day los angelenians so funny david lynch love his shit uh and john cassavetes, best favorite of all time,

because that dude, I read books on him and shit. First of all, he, he was the only director to me that I've seen. I'm sure there's other ones. There are other ones. I'm not that cultured,

but like to me, that dude captured exactly how life was. And he made a movie called Husbands with Peter Falk, Ben Gazzara, and John Cassavetes in it. Isn't it? And it's a real hard movie to find, but it's – that and Swingers are my two favorite movies to watch. It so much captures what it's like being a guy more so than any other movie i've seen it's so funny and so good and i fucking love it dude i love the movie husbands it's my favorite movie these guys just their friend dies and then during the eulogy or, or when the priest is giving the eulogy or whatever it is,

he's just being very general about it. He's just like, yay, everyone loved him, he was a great guy, and, you know, this and that. And then afterwards, the three dudes that I mentioned, they're driving from the funeral, they're driving from the funeral, and they're like, that was a bullshit eulogy. They didn't even fucking talk about how he really was and these guys to deal with their grief they just leave and go to paris i think it's paris or europe what london london

it's london yeah it's london yeah it's london and they go and they just go and they like go for three nights and they like are philandering with women and shit and they're just being such dumb fucking dickhead guys and it's so funny um i love the movie it's so funny dude also i like cassavetes movies because you can just turn them on whenever like in the middle and just watch them woman under the influence is amazing dude that uh what's the lady's name uh what's her name again jenna rollins he was married to her and she's in that movie and she plays a fucking like a mentally unstable woman and she's so it's one of the best performances i've ever seen also faces is a great movie it's so hard to watch faces i mean it's so boring but i love it i love boring movies sometimes he was the best man john cassavetes i love that guy's fucking movies killing of a chinese bookie loved it

that movie got panned too but i loved it dude ben gazzara is so good in that movie. There's a scene in the movie where he gets into his limo and the whole scene is him sitting there and he says, I'm terrific. That's the best. I mean, dude, nobody captured what it's like being a guy better than John Cassavetes in a movie. Just he was great. what it's like being a guy better than John Cassavetes in a movie. It just... He was great. Fuck, he was a great filmmaker. He was influenced by I think

a lot of French filmmakers. I think. I can't remember. It's been a long time since I since I read up on him i remember i read this is how cute i was dude in high school i read a book on john cassavetes and i liked the book so much i just loved him i loved what he was about and i liked the book so much i think it was the book cassavetes on Cassavetes. It was like an interview. It was like him talking about himself.

But it wasn't like an interview for him even though it kind of was. But I loved the book so much that I didn't read the last page because I didn't want to finish. I wanted to currently be reading the book for the rest of my life.

And that is the cutest shit I've ever done. And I forgot about that. I never read that last page of the book because I never wanted it to be finished because I always wanted to be currently reading it. Ha, cute. I challenge you to fucking ever do something cuter than that because mmm, cute as shit for that, dude. Mmm because cute as shit for that dude cute as shit wow maybe one day right before right before i right before i die read that last page

what if that last page he was just like psych i'm just joking didn't mean any of it and then if you'd like to make a call um well that's it my babies i did a little bit of extra time today because we had an extra ad in there and i wanted to make sure that everybody got their fucking fix you know what i mean i don't like when people say that gotta get my fix and we're talking about like a podcast or cheese. Say yeah. Listen, if you download my app, do it now. You can see this podcast before anybody sees it.

A whole day early or more than a day early. You see it live. You see 10 minutes, the first fucking 10 minutes live. And you get to communicate with other babies on the app. It's fucking cool. But go to download, go to whatever app, wherever you go to get your apps. If you got iTunes or the App Store, you go to wherever the fuck. If you got some other Samsung bullshit, iTunes.

What do you call it? App Store. And you type in Crystal. You just type in my name. Got some dates coming up. It's still Cyber Monday, though, if you're listening to this. So go get merch. Uh, I got a show coming up in Medford, Massachusetts, Thursday, Medford,

Massachusetts on Thursday. There are tickets left. Then I got four shows at the Wilbur. Sorry. You snooze, you lose. They're all sold out because I had to fucking back up the goddamn drink box. Brinks truck. Bakersfield, California, Fresno, Louisville, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Boulder, Colorado Springs, Madison, Milwaukee.

That's sold out. Chicago sold out. And I have to do another Chicago date because of that. I'm going to add that soon. Seattle, Hamilton, Ontario. Hamilton, Ontario, Windsor, Ontario, Kalamazoo, Anaheim, San Ynez,

Valley Center, California. There's a lot of these. Hanover, Huntington, Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, Lexington, Albuquerque, Santa Fe, Phoenix, Tucson, Greensboro, Charlotte, Durham, Newport News for some reason, Oakland, California, and Las Vegas. Yeah, it's the last day for free domestic shipping on the store plus free mystery shirt while supplies last on orders over $75. Subscribe to the YouTube channel because we like that. Get tickets to my tour.

Subscribe, rate, and review the show. It really helps us in the rankings, and the rankings are a good thing for us. The more we go up, the more we go up. So, yeah, thanks a lot. And I got a new special coming out on Netflix soon enough. It's a half hour for you. So, remember, you got shintoki what is that you got the shintaro all right my babies thanks for listening love you guys Congratulations!