Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 97. Cadillac Vrills

Episode Date: December 3, 2018

It's the 97th episode, getting close! On today's show, Chris talks about Ludacris and the Fast & Furious franchise for way too long. Also discussed: bad Geico Commercials, deadpan comedy, Apple Maps, Ed Burns, Abcde, & Jay Z and Beyonce. Plus, we do Missed Connections. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Make your nights unforgettable with American Express. Unmissable show coming up? Good news. We've got access to pre-sale tickets so you don't miss it. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance.

Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. Hey guys, what's up? It's episode 97. We're closing in on episode 100. We tried to get Jean-Claude Van Damme for episode 100 and he said no.

So I don't know what it's going to be. It may just be me in episode 100. We may have a special thing. I'm not sure. You know, I don't know what we're going to do. But one thing's for sure. It's going to be fucking gully as shit because we're always going um i have a bunch of dates coming up in fresno or i have a show coming up in fresno in two weeks and i have a show coming up in bakersfield in two weeks to follow the leader tour is coming and uh san antonio and uh austin and san luis

and uh somewhere in kentucky and i don't know so uh go get your tickets they're selling out some of them already are sold out so uh that's what's up and then also um just announced today uh netflix my netflix special will be coming out January 1st. Uh, it's called comedian. Well, the, it's a kind of a chunk of comedians that they're releasing. It's called comedians of the world and it's awesome. Uh, I'm excited to be a part of it.

It's a half an hour. I'm trying to do these half hour specials now, man. half hour specials now man i want to do half hours because it's just like um easier and people will feel like people watch them more the hours are just like so i mean they're just long and everyone they're just so many of them the half hours is just boom you just watch if you want to watch you're a fan of the guy and also if you're not a fan of the guy you don't know about the guy and you just want all right it's a It's a half hour. Fuck it. I'll play it. So January 1st, Curious – Hang Over With Me, Comedians of the World only on Netflix. Yeah. So – and Netflix is cool because it doesn't have commercials and you don't have to fucking fast forward through the commercials and all that shit.

But you know that already because it's 2018 and Netflix has been around for a while. Speaking of commercials, how come they can't make a – how come they – I swear to God, and I've probably seen almost all of them, why can't they make a funny Geico commercial yet? Every Geico commercial has not been funny. And I want to come out – and I'm coming out on a limb saying it because I understand.

I'm not trying to be a hater, but like, what is the deal, dude? Geico, what's the deal? That whole fucking, they're like so overwritten, and like, the new one with the aerobics guy, where he's just like doing aerobics in the chair, and he's like, getting Geico is easy, aerobics in the chair, and he's like, getting Geico is easy, is just as easy as doing aerobics in a chair, and he's like in this class doing the aerobics in a recliner. Have you seen it? It's just not, it's just like, come on, what? This is what you thought of? You tried so hard to think of some shit, and this is what you thought? You tried too hard. I'm telling you, man, these commercials where the guy's just sitting in a chair telling you about the product,

those are the best way to go, man. Why are you trying to make a commercial glossy? Why are you trying to do that? Just fucking say what you got to say in the commercial. We don't want to watch the fucking commercials anyway. Why are you trying to make it funny? You're trying to get all these comedy writers and shit. They're just so bad, all these commercials, all of them.

Remember the one where the guy was doing the robot and then the lizard what's up with the lizard dude see ya the fucking lizard is stupid bye do they still use the lizard anymore it's so bad this is me watching a geico commercial am i watching a geico commercial or am i watching a fucking documentary gecko dude even worse that it's a gecko you know like like oh it's a gecko oh it's so oh it's oh we're we're being silly it's the people know what a lizard is but a gecko how hilarious that is dude get out of here man remember what the guy doing the robot that was the worst one and then the hey i got a bunch is that isn't that the one that does i got a i got good news oh yeah i saved a lot of money of certain car insurance

that was the only those are the only ones that are passable it's like every this one the geico robot guy this i want to play it on the fucking thing actually if the internet will allow it because we've been having some technical difficulties is was that yeah geico this is the one geico robot commercial this is gonna have so many views gonna piss me off here we go here it is at geico.com you can get free rate quotes and handle all your car insurance needs online but we like to make it interesting

here's an idea we received via email look here's the thing man they obviously told this guy we want you to be so still we want you to be no emotion we want you to just read it because that's the funniness of it and what they did was they fucked up dude you know what i used

to talk about this shit when people god how do i explain this this is what i think this is so hard to explain i explained it to my mom once and it worked but i can't i don't think i can do it to the billions of you that are listening right now to the billions and billions um people like okay deadpan comedy deadpan is like the absence of making a face it's not making a non-face. And that's what this guy's doing. This drives me nuts. It's when like.

Nothing's going on. And you're acting like nothing's going on. If nothing's going on. Nothing's going on. You don't have to act like nothing's going on. And that's what this guy's doing. And that kind of comedy. Drives me more nuts. Than any other comedy.

Like the whole fucking talking head where everyone's so awkward. You know, every show in like 2010 was like the talking heads like, well, I don't know what's up with that guy. And then they would be like, fuck that, dude. Fuck that comedy. If nothing's going on, nothing's going on. Stop acting awkward. Fuck that comedy.

If nothing's going on, nothing's going on. Stop acting awkward. Dude, that kind of comedy drives me nuts. I'd rather listen to a fucking comedy about farts and shits and cumming and all sorts of stuff. I'd rather bro comedy. Dude, this was, oh, nothing to see here. Nothing going on. That kind of comedy is the worst shit dude here here's an idea we received via email

yo i think your website would be the bomb if you had the gecko do the robot okay so the gecko's doing the robot now. For some reason, they thought that was funny. And now he's doing the robot. Geico. 15 minutes. Good save. For no reason. Why? Because it's just silly?

No, it's not, dude. You got to fucking go further, Geico. Or don't try so hard, rather. This was in 2004 when nothing was funny. Here. How many hits does this even have 863 views fuck yeah the most failing ass fucking god was the caveman one funny that might have been funny no i don't know i feel like fucking somebody i know was in one of those and maybe it was funny. Anyway, yeah, Geico, get it together, dude.

I know I get it. People don't give a fuck. And people are just like idiots and just like, oh, I saw Geico before. I'll get the fucking thing. They probably have a successful business, obviously, but just like get out of here. Commercials just as a whole, they got oh remember this one dude this one was bad too dude could switching to geico really save you 15 or more on car insurance is ed too tall jones too tall

oh my god dude Is Ed Too Tall Jones too tall? Oh, my God, dude. And now they're trying to measure a guy who I guess is Ed Too Tall Jones and he's too tall. And then the thing broke. Oh, my. I'm sorry. Oh, there's that awkward comedy. She's like, what do I do with this?

Oh, God. Oh, it's so fucking bad, dude. Let's see another one. This shit. Wow, I'm going to fucking. Wow, I feel good hating right now. Could switching to Geico really save you 15% or more on car insurance? Here we go.

Does Johnny Daniels play a mean fiddle? There's Johnny Daniels playing a mean fiddle, I guess. I don't even know what this one's, this is one isn't even supposed to be funny, so. That's how you do it, son. Geico, 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. Trying to be funny There's another one Ugh Cringe, dude What?

What kind of high motherfuckers are... I mean, who, what kind of high motherfuckers thought about this? Could switching to Geico save you 15% on your car insurance? Is Johnny Big Dick's dick big? And then Johnny's just sitting there with his dick over his shoulders. Fucking stroking it off. Just cumming so hard. That's a Geico commercial.

Could Johnny, could switching to Geico really save you 15% on your car insurance is Johnny Big Dick's dick too big and then he's just like and then it's playing fucking he's just like this jerking his dick off over his shoulder and then it goes in the back wall that's that to me

that's the then I'm a guy I'm buying Geico immediately no it splurge it splurts all over the fucking guy doing the robot in that old commercial it breaks through the wall and it makes him and it's real and it's real fucking jizz they use from guys from guys co idiot uh yeah i don't know dude i just like come on get it together try harder and also try less that's the thing um yeah but i just saw a geico commercial and that's what was really getting me going the the fucking here's another thing that sucks wow this i don't mean to be a hater and i'm

gonna talk about stuff i like maybe i should talk about stuff i like now no no fuck it i'm on a roll here i don't know if i'm on a roll but but here we go. Apple Maps is the worst app there is. Okay? Listen, Apple, you're good. You got all the shit going on. Hey, if I talk about Gucci, if I say to my friends, hey, I like Gucci, then I fucking start getting ads for Gucci. Okay? If that happens, then don't make me take a left into a lake.

Dude, Apple maps fucking sucks. It's so bad. Hey, ways you kill it. Thank you. Ways, Apple,

Max, Apple, Apple maps. You fucking suck. So I fucked your bitch. if apple maps had a bitch i would fuck her apple maps in the app did you by the way did you notice this in the apple maps actually it doesn't how about when you're walking when you take apple maps and you and you and you decide to walk because you're in a city you haven't been to i mean i'm like this all the time and then you have to walk seven blocks for it to catch up to you and to keep and and and you're

like oh it says you're in the middle of a fucking park and you're like on just sixth street and you're like come on man and you're trying you're looking at your phone like an idiot trying to walk around to get the apple max map caught up with your shit how how does apple let this one not be the shit when all the other apps are the shit everyone people getting lost i'm sure somebody's gotten lost and beaten the shit out of because of apple maps i'm sure they're like i think we'll go left here and then you go into like a terrible neighborhood and then you get beat the shit out of because of apple maps i'm sure they're like i think we go left here and then you go into like a terrible neighborhood and then you get beat the shit out of and someone steals your iphone all because of apple maps i want that to happen i will sue them

i'm going to sue you apple maps you're going to take me left into another bad into a bad neighborhood and i'm going to sue you apple maps that's how it's so, it's such a weird, you know, first world problems I get. I'm complaining about Geico commercials and Apple Maps, but come on, you know, this is your job. That's the thing. When I got older, when I got successful at my job, that's when I started getting pissed off that people couldn't be doing their jobs right. Because when I go on stage, I either kill it or I'm really trying. I'm working hard, you know? But people like, when it's like, when you're not doing your job, and I get it, not everybody has the job that they want and they're not afforded the opportunities that I was in my life. But, like, man.

Can switching to Geico really save you 15% on your car insurance? That guy was a guy from, what was that old Ed, who's the guy, the 90s guy Brothers McMullen Ed Burns, yeah he was in that movie, he was always in he played Ed Burns' brother always and then he was there was a movie called Brothers McMullen

that was like big in the 90s and it became a a bigger uh it became a it like kind of launched ed burns career ed burns is a cool actor everything it's you know he's one of those guys that's just like cool and just like talks like this and he's always like he's like bruce willis but like more handsome and he's all like yeah i give a shit he's like yeah yeah yeah yeah i don't like you but I don't give a shit about it. Like that kind of guy, you know? And no matter what the fuck he's saying, he's talking like this.

He's like so New York, but he was so like, he looks like a guy that would like drug you and rape you, but he didn't. He probably never did that because he's probably a good guy. And he's fucking super handsome. Dude, I used to fucking love that guy. I still do. And he's fucking super handsome. Dude, I used to fucking love that guy. I still do.

But he, I haven't seen him in some shit lately. He, I mean, Finbar, he played. Barry Finbar McMullen. Why Finbar? Anyway, he, it was Brothers McMullen. And then he, and then, what was I going to say about him though? Oh, yeah. And then he did a movie called some other – the Geico guy is named Michael McClone. Anyway, Ed Burns did a movie called – what was the movie where he did – all we do in the group, it's such a – we would make fun of everything in my group text.

And we were – and he has – there's a movie that begins. It's the worst beginning to any movie ever and he was in it and he's fucking dead on the concrete and it's an overhead shot of him. And he's just laying down dead and the voiceover and it's Ed Byrne's unmistakable voice, and he says, so I'm dead, right? I don't remember what movie that was, but it was so – I was in the theater. I think it was Confidence. I was in the theater, and it starts, and he shows his body, and he says, so I'm dead, right? And I was just like, that's it. I'm done watching movies.

You don't have to hook us so hard. Can switching to Geico, what's worse, being in the commercials, can switching to Geico really save you 15% on your car insurance? Did Ed Burns do a movie that starts out with an overhead shot of him dead and then him voiceovered saying, so I'm right so i'm dead right this is the beginning so i'm dead fade in it black it's black first and he says so i'm dead and then it says dump dumpsters overflow with day's garbage. A pillar of steam rises from an underground grate. It's the dark place between buildings that a reasonable person avoids.

Dude, every time I write a script and I send it to my agents and managers to see what they think of it, they're always like, I don't do this shit. Like this fucking shit about scripts where they're like dumpsters overflow with the day's garbage. A pillar of steam rises from an underground grate this is the dark dude just shoot the fucking thing it's not a novel and they're always like yeah but describe it more i'm like nah if i was gonna write this i'd be like oh voiceover so i'm dead it'd be black so i'm dead it'd be black voiceover jake so i'm dead fade in back alley night. Jake's dead. More voiceover.

And I think it's because of this redhead. Oh, so I'm dead, right? And I think it's because of this redhead. If you're dead, you're dead. You're not thinking. Dude, the day overflows with the day's garbage. And then when you're going to go shoot it, you don't think about that.

Well, there's day's garbage in the thing. But you always have the guy who does the set dressing that's like, well, it says it's overflowed with the day's garbage. So we brought a bunch of garbage on the thing if you want it. And the director's like, yeah, I don't give a fuck about that. The director doesn't give a fuck about that shit.

How do they write this shit? Dude, I was watching two movies on the plane. I was watching Furious 7, which, by the way, Fast and the Furious, I guess, is the first one. Go to the catalog. Fast and the Furious. There's Fast and Furious. And then there's, like, Too Fast, Too Furious. Listen to the titles of these fast and furious movies.

The fast and the furious. First one. Number two, too fast, too furious. Okay. Number three, the fast and the furious.

Okay. Uh, the fast and furious Tokyo drift. Okay. Well, first of all, the first one was called the fast and furious. And the third one was called the fast and the furious Tokyo drift.

Okay. Then the fourth one is called the Fast and Furious, and the third one is called the Fast and Furious Tokyo Drift. Okay. Then the fourth one is Fast and Furious. Okay. Then the fifth one is Fast Five. Okay. Then the sixth one is Fast and Furious Six. Okay.

Well, just go with one through five then for the first ones, man. Now you're confusing the shit out of us? Now you go with the fucking numeric value at the end now the the the one after that furious seven so they're not fast anymore they're just mad then the fate of the furious k furious seven was the one i saw and i know i talked about this on the podcast before dude every character is the same character in all of those movies they're all like this not today this is fucking jason statham it doesn't matter who they are in the movie jason statham not today the rock not today fucking uh tyrese today. Ludicrous. Oh, not today.

The chick. The fucking Michelle Rodriguez. Not today. Ronda Rousey. Not today. They're all not today, motherfuckers. How the fuck can you keep writing not today in characters in the movie? The movie should just be called not today.

Dude, it's so you thought you got me. Not today. I'm taking you in. Not today. And now they're doing Hobbs and Shaw with fucking Jason Statham in the rock. Dude, that franchise is unbelievable. They drive through buildings. They go to fucking Vin Diesel, dude.

Vin fucking Diesel, bro. Not today. That's the Vin Diesel doing it. Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel. How come people say Vin Diesel is jacked? Is he? I've never seen him with his shirt off in the movies. Is he jacked?

I don't know. I feel like Vin Diesel is the kind of guy that holds his penis when he takes a dump. Dude. And he's just, and they're just like, are you going to fucking piss? And he's just like, not today.

Vin Diesel is the kind of guy that if you're at craft service and you go to take the last piece of cheesecake, he tries to beat you to it. Because he's like, and he goes, not today. Because he's on, I mean, then there's Fast and Furious 9 and then there's Fast and Furious 10. These movies are just. I mean, then there's Fast and Furious 9, and then there's Fast and Furious 10. These movies are just... When Ludacris fights a bad guy in the movie, I'm just like, dude, I want to shit all over myself. It's so funny. Why are we pretending that Ludacris is a badass? You know?

First of all, he's the guy who stays in the van anyway. Why can't they all fight? Do they all go to fucking Marshall? They can all drive and they can all fight. God, dude. Ludacrous. There's nothing more 90s and 2000s. There's nothing more 2000s than ludicrous. There's nothing more 2000s than ludicrous.

If you Google 2003, ludicrous comes up. Go ahead. Ludicrous is fucking Cadillac grills, Cadillac spills. Oh, watch out my Cadillac vrills. Cadillac mills, Cadillac tills. Oh, watch out my Cadillac drills. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Cadillac reels.

Cadillac bills. And white kids were just like, fuck yeah, dude. Cadillac thrills. Cadillac thrills. Huh? Oh, what am I? Cadillac brills. Cadillac thrills.

Dude When they fucking were like When they got Ludacris Was like For Fast and Furious they were like can you do this movie And he was like oh it's about cars Hell yeah can I drive a Cadillac Grills Cadillac Brills Cadillac Frills

And the agent was like Ludacris calm down Calm down excuse me calm down Okay I'm just excited And they're like we don't know if it's going to be a Cadillac He was like well I hope it's a Cadillac Ludacris, calm down, calm down. Excuse me. Calm down. Okay, I'm just excited. And they're like, well, we don't know if it's going to be a Cadillac. He was like, well, I hope it's a Cadillac Vrails. And the agent was like, okay, well, do you want to do it or what? He was like, sure, Vrails.

And then he couldn't help it. Sure, I'll do it, Cadillac Vrails. Okay, all right, well, we'll tell him him yes and then he got on set and they were like hey Ludacris so here's your car and he's like what the fuck that's not a Cadillac Brills Cadillac Frills they're like yeah but listen we're paying you

fucking a million dollars to do this movie well Brills okay I'll do it Brills can I hold this Cadillac emblem in my pocket? It's 2001 when I shot Fast and Furious. I can't believe in two years it's going to be 2003, and that's basically what I am. Chicken and beer, Cadillac, frills.

Didn't he have the fucking thing called chicken and beer? The, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the frills. Didn't he have the fucking thing called chicken and beer? The S-Lazy. He named his album Chicken and Beer. S-Lazy. Who would have thought that the guy who rhymes Cadillac grills with Cadillac spills would name his title, would name his album Chicken and Beer? Cadillac grills, Cadillac meals, check out the oil my Cadillac spills. Matter of fact, Kenny Pink, Cadillac's kill. So check out the holes my Cadillac fills. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

I mean just 20-inch wide, 20 inches high. Oh, don't you like my 20-inch ride? 20-inch ride? It's Akon. Hey, do you mind if I get a ride? Hoping for American 20-inch pies. Oh, yum. Here we go.

The candy, genius annotation. The candy, quote-unquote, paint job, high-gloss finish on his Cadillac is impressive. Hence, he ends up filling lots of women with his Cadillac is impressive. Hence, he ends up filling lots of women with his Cadillac. And then in parentheses, nickname for his penis. Ah. Yeah, yeah, okay.

He calls his dick his Cadillac? I mean, dude, pretty ass clothes, pretty ass toes. Oh, how I love these pretty ass hoes disrespectful dude i can't believe that is a song it bangs though doesn't it i just fucking it's also why is he screaming dude the people in the fucking in the thing were just like oh god it's so loud

okay well it's what he does and then he was in fucking fast and furious and he dude those guys in that franchise lucked the fuck out man if vin diesel ludicrous if they weren't in that motherfucker what the fuck would they be doing romantic comedies no no. No way, dude. It's great. I just got the Yeezy. I'm an idiot, dude. I got so many. I got the new Salt 500s, and then I got the boots. I got the Yeezy boots with the duck camo. And then I got the other boots.

They were all fucking sold out, the boots I wanted. So I got the other ones. Some other ones that are like probably I'm not going to wear that much. I don't know, man. Yeezy's crazy, but he kills it with the fucking... No, not those. He kills it with the fucking... No, not those. He kills it with the... With the fashion, dude. Anyway.

I'm just kind of like, look at the hose my Cadillac spills. You know what I'm talking about? That's just kind of like my thing. Those are the ones I got. Yeah, dude. I'm going to be fucking futuristic with those. I'm going to be fucking futuristic with those I know I say this but Ludacris He was mad at me at the Bieber roast

It's funny He got mad at me for something Jeff Ross said Okay cool He was like man you shouldn't have said that I was like why He was like the thing about Paul Walker I was like oh I didn't He was like yeah you did And I was like no I didn't he was like yeah you did and i was like okay i didn't want

to be like it was jeff ross and throw jeff ross under the bus but ludacris wore sunglasses the whole time during the roast and then they try to fucking you can't do stand-up and wear sunglasses you have to have self-awareness. Dude, Tyrese in that movie. Holy for fuck's sake. That fucking goddamn movie. That fucking goddamn movie. Jesus Christ. Tyrese in that movie.

There's one part in that movie where it's just so glaringly apparent that Tyrese doesn't get how to make a joke. They're doing all this shit on the computer and it's like, we got to hack into the thing and then that, and this, that, and this, that thing. And the line Tyrese's line is,

can I check my email? And the funny way to do that, R andB singer, is to know that you can't check your email on that. To know that you're making a joke as the character. And to know you're just giving the guys some bullshit. But Tyrese said the line like he really wanted to check his email and then did the awkward comedy thing like where he was like whoa I can't dude it was so hurt it hurt me man

like me man like can i check my email on that it'd just be like yo can i check my email on that and then have them be like fucking fuck you man and you know you can't but the guy dude i can't this movie where tyrese and ludacris are in a suit and ludacris's facial hair is just so perfect god how sad would it happen it was fucking paul walker jesus christ and Ludacris' facial hair is just so perfect. God, how sad would it have been if it was fucking Paul Walker, Jesus Christ. Paul Walker, I liked him because he was like reminding me of Keanu Reeves a little bit anyway whatever sad shit um yeah so uh anyway that's it about those movies i guess how long am i gonna talk about that fucking movie i've already also talked about it on the podcast.

Did you guys hear about this fucking idiot? This lady that was like mad that... First of all, let me go on stage. Let me go on record by saying the whole ABCDE name thing where the lady was on the flight and the daughter's name was, as it is pronounced, Ab-City, I city i guess which you know come

on down to ab city tired of your gut we've got fucking exercise for days um her name was ab city spelled abcde by the way i if i meet that girl i'm not pronouncing it that way i'm going oh hi abcde or i'm just calling her karen or some shit anyway the southwest airlines employee posted making fun of this girl and her ticket which is fucking stupid and atrocious and you deserve to get fired because you can't use you can't post shit like that so let me just go on record and say that lady or that man whoever did that is moron, and they deserve to be fired. Okay? But the lady, the mother who named her daughter, is upset at the airline employees for laughing at the name.

Now, look. You named your kid A-B-C-D-E. So you did that for attention, period. That's it. You did it for attention. You're going to get the attention. The thing about attention is you're not in control of the attention or the kind or style of attention you're going to get because other people have other minds.

So don't say someone is name shaming your daughter when you named your daughter a shameful name. But you know that. Or you're a fucking dunce. So which is it? A, B, C, D, E's mom. Do you know that secretly? And you're a fucking liar?

Or are you a dunce? Because it's one or the other. I mean, dude, you know, A, B, C, D, E. And she had a, that'd be awesome if she had another kid, just E, D, A, B, C, F, J, H, I, J. I can't do it if it's not in order.

Whatever it is, the next five. Jafka, Jaf five. Jafkada. Jafkaga is her last name. Jafka. Her next son. Her daughter. Yeah, these people just live willy-nilly thinking that they can't deal with any repercussions.

Also, you... Why ridicule... Why fucking have your daughter name that? Life's hard enough. Her name's going to be fucking A-B-C-D-E. Her name's gonna be fucking abcde her whole life no absentee no no it's absentee it's actually absentee her whole life such a white thing to do to do that shit it's so funny like that white people and black people do the same shit only with black people it's like shaniqua or kwanzaa and it's like then with with white people it's apple and absentee

like you it's the same shit you know god is uh is jay-z and beyon, are they on tour? That's a tour. I just like, I think it's weird when a guy and a girl work together as artists and then they go on tour together. I don't know. There's something about me that just doesn't like, I don't want to see that. I would never do that, you know?

Like I would never be, I mean, look look it's money for them i guess but they already have all the money so it's just weird to be like yeah we on stage and we we doing this but also we fuck sometimes and we love each other and we made a kid we made some kids anyway what's that crazy It's not just business We love each other Ladies and gentlemen welcome our special guest somebody that we had a with ladies and gentlemen please welcome our daughters they're gonna come out too and our maid you want me to clean

here's a towel mr jay-z you sweaty beyonce oh oh oh oh oh i just i'd like if they fuck fuck you know if you make love it's not even about fucking it's about loving that's the thing like if you fuck the, fuck. You know, if you make love. It's not even about fucking. It's about loving. That's the thing. Like, if you fuck, the tour's over, I guess. But if you, like, if you're, like, you know, if you just love how the fucking Cadillac spills all your hoes, you know, and you just want to smash your background dancers, that's fine. But the second you love them and you're, like, eh, eh, eh, yeah, you know, we love each other.

I gave you some really nice gifts last Christmas. Like it doesn't, it's like, okay, what are you doing here? I don't know why that bothers me, but it does. Like thinking about Beyonce bringing her man on tour to do the, like thinking about Jay-Z bringing his girl on tour. It's like what do you i mean i get it grow with your your audience and your crowd and you have a family now and shit like that i don't know man it's just weird i haven't even listened to that album

yet i don't know if i will or what but uh or what, but Beyonce coming out with every song is about like how it's hard for women and hard for all the shit. I would love to know how it's hard for Beyonce, by the way, right now. I would love to know how hard it is for Beyonce. I want Beyonce to know how hard it is for Beyonce. I want Beyonce to make the real songs that are real hard. She's like, my fourth maid was sick.

I don't know. Also, that whole thing where they thought Jay-Z cheated on her and then fucking she made the song about how he cheated on her and shit. Did that really happen? You know, did that really happen? Dude, one time I was doing a fucking, I was doing like this robot bit. I was with two buddies and I was doing this robot bit where I was pretending I was this robot. It was in my TV room.

I was pretending I was doing this robot and I was pretending like I was like, it was the dumbest bit. I was just acting out me doing stand-up like reading,

like looking for chicks in the audience and I was like doing stand-up and I was like pretending to lock in on faces and being like i was like doing stand-up and i was like pretending to lock in on faces and being like age and the age would come up and i was pretending like i was fucking like the age would come up and the and the and the like like it was like a sexist robot bit i was doing like where i was on stage doing that shit and i kept on being like lock in potential mate potential and i was it would type out her

fucking age and all the shit like robocop does in those movies and my buddy was laughing and my other buddy was texting on the phone not paying attention and then my buddy stops texting and said i don't to this day i don't know what he meant but he said did that really happen and i fucking i absolutely let we dude we laughed for so we did we were like what do you mean i said no sam was i really a robot for a little bit i still don't know what he meant but we fucking cried laughing as my buddy sam um oh that wasn't worth saying on the podcast but whatever at least you know a little bit about my life um

so yeah um that's it I don't know how uh I was looking, I was, we were walking around the mall in, uh,

Boston. I was so cold. My opener, by the way, is like, he's, this is how, like,

you know what I, you know what? Actually, I don't understand people. He said, like, somebody came up to him once and he was like, Hey did you hear delete did you hear santino and i did andrew santino's podcast whiskey ginger and they were like did you hear santino uh and and chris

talk about you on their podcast and he was like no and he was like oh man they were really talking shit about you like i don't understand obviously i love my opener and i think he's hilarious i don't understand how somebody could come to my show. This was after a show this happened. They said, I don't understand how somebody could come to my show, seemingly get my humor, have a great time,

and then actually think I was talking shit about my opener in it. Like, how do you get my humor come to a show, but then not understand I'm joking about that? That, that blows my mind it's so weird do you get it or not you in this cult or what because if not what the fuck is your nose doing facing my nose turn around get bent i'm inside you right round get bent i'm inside you right hey chris is talking shit about well excuse me well what

the heck oh excuse me i'm up i'm inside you why are you also ratting me out, you dick. It's free cunch. You can do whatever you want, but why are you ratting out the cult leader? What the fuck? You a part of this or not? You know what, dude? I just realized you're a mark-ass bitch, dude. That's what I realized. The fuck are you going to do that? Come to my show and then rap me the fuck out.

You mark ass bitch. I ain't got no mother. So I fucked your bitch. That's. That's crazy, dude. You know what we should do? We should do some Craigslist ad ads. Those are fun.

Let's do those. Did you see the fucking Liam Neeson thing that they did on my Instagram? I reposted it. Man, that shit was funny to me. Here we go. All right. We're going to do these a lot more now. I like these.

They make me laugh. The title on this one is handsome dad type okay uh do you mean portly what do you mean ugly what do you mean a nice haircut i don't get it anyway you are younger asian guy cute curious how does he know he's curious, do you have a fucking magnifying glass? You are younger Asian guy. Cute, curious, nice body. I'm tall, handsome, successful mentor type. Hit me up if you want to get together.

Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. I guess this wasn't a misconnection, right? This is just him saying he's a handsome dad type. Dude, I love when you show up and it's just like some fucking gross troglodyte but yeah my opener we this is how dumb he was we were in fucking boston and he was like and he was like man i feel like this place is big how come people don't talk about how big this place is we were on three blocks that's it we walked four blocks maybe to get to a mall. And I was like, what do you mean this place is big?

He's like, ah, look at it. I was like, we didn't go anywhere. What do you just mean the buildings are big? He's like, nah, I just feel like it's big. It's definitely as big as New York. What? What are you saying? You're just looking around in your immediate vicinity.

That's like just, he's like, nah nah it's like big it's like la what the guys like that blow my mind anyway here we go go back to that one uh this is oh wow the title in this one is fucking awesome the title on this one in this craigslist last list is craigslist craigslist ad is hey bro come on by again this one here the subject hey bro come on by today slash tonight remember when we used to hang on the dl loved loved your nut. That guy has parents, you know?

That guy was born. You know what I mean? He was born and played with toys when he was a kid and like chilled out and watched Barney or like Sesame Street. And now he's like, remember when we used to hang out on the DL? Loved your nut. Do not contact me with unsolicited service or offers. By the way, if that guy is saying don't contact me with unsolicited services or offers, then nobody contact anyone with unsolicited services or offers.

Because that guy seems like a guy who says remember when you used to come by on the dl loved your nut seems like he'd probably go for some unsolicited services or offers like that guy probably doesn't say no to many ah dude hey loved your nut bud wow that's like the gayest thing you could possibly say. Here we go. I mean, the next one, you know. We'll do this one. But looking for my former cleaning lady.

Okay. So far, seems pretty innocuous. Is that the right word? I only had you clean a couple times, focusing on the kitchen and bathroom. You were super fun and it was so cool that you were down to clean topless. Oh, who wrote this? M. Night Shyamalan? That took a fucking weird turn at the end.

It was amazing to watch as my apartment got cleaned up nicely. I like how this guy's trying to write it like it's a novel. It was amazing to watch as my apartment got cleaned up nicely. Like she did it, but he's trying to be cute about it, you know? Hoping to bring you back, in parentheses, or just hang out if you're out there. Really? Oh, dude, really? That's odd.

You're down to have a chick come over and clean your fucking bad parts in your apartment with her taters out? Dude, you're up for that? Are you sure? What are you laughing at? Are you up for that, dude? Are you up for that, dude? That's odd that you'd have some chick come by, clean your house, and wither fucking rudders out. So disrespectful.

Dude, imagine if you were hooking up with a chick and you took out her boobs and you said out loud, Oh, look at these rudders oh nice rudders dude there's nothing more disrespectful than that or if you tried to say it nicely at a starbucks like wow nice rudders and then she's like what motherfucker and you're like whoa excuse me do not do not contact me with the unsolicited services or offers i'm just trying to say nice writers um here we go this has gotta be a good one because the title is clogged nine inch pipe. Is it for plumbing? I wonder if this one's for plumbing or for getting your

nut out. This is the body. Dude, I love when they say they're light-skinned, by the way. It's so funny to me. Like that's what's going to sell you on it. Like you're like, I i don't know but they're light-skinned here we go just a 22 year old light-skinned latino male looking for some fun

two one oh shit it says his phone number which i'm definitely not going to say um clogged nine inch pipe like that guy doesn't jerk off all the time. It's just clogged. Oh, my God. Look at the title of this one. We work at UPS. Okay. The least sexual title of all time.

What's good? I think you knew there at work, but I'm the black guy. We always look at each other, but you sexy AF. We work day sort uh what okay what's good let me try to put this in the actual terms what's good i think you are new at work but i'm the black guy we owe anyway we always look at each other but you're sexy we work day sort huh do not contact me with unsolicited unsolicited services yeah i used to know a guy that would go to this donut shop and he would get donuts and go get a blow job from uh the lady the counter, like late at night when nobody was there.

He'd get donuts and eat donuts while the lady would, who didn't speak English, would suck his dick. Like, I think that was in 2002 he told me that. I think that was the beginning of the end of the world. You know what I mean? Like getting, eating, first of all, eating donuts while getting your, you know what I mean? Just at home is ridiculous. just at home is ridiculous but at a fucking donut place you know what i'll get a jelly uh let me get uh some sugar donuts and then can i pop behind there and just have you suck me off or

are we doing that how does that even go how did that even start I never even thought about this. That guy was funny. Obviously, I'm not going to say his name, but I used to do jujitsu with the guy. Okay, here's another one. This is the last one I'll do. Ride My Face is the title. Right to it, huh? Different. I like how that can be.

Sometimes we work at UPS, and then sometimes just right to the huh different different i like how they can be sometimes we work at ups and then sometimes just right to the chase ride my face looking for a woman to ride my face wearing jeans must be able to host looking asap you know first of all, how I mean, wearing jeans going to scrape your face up. Oh, wow. It's so dude. Sex is interesting. The shit that turns people on. Like, why wouldn't you want her jeans off if you were into face writing?

First of all, because you'd want her jeans off because of how sex is usually better naked. But this guy gets turned on with jeans on his face. That's like the origin story of a Batman villain. And now he's Jean face. Or he's Dr. Blue Jeans face, you know? I used to get my jeans done if I had like a button or a tear in it. I used to take them to a place called Dr. Blue Jeans face, you know? I used to get my jeans done if I had like a button or a tear in it. I used to take them to a place called Dr. Blue Jeans, you know? And they'd always be like, make sure your jeans are washed before you bring them in.

And I would never do that. And I would always think, yeah, but I'm not like, I'm not who they're talking about. I'm not disgusting. How fucking egotistical is that? That's what everybody who does thinks that, by the way. You could be a fucking sweaty, creased out troll and just like, yeah, but they're not talking about me. Just with shit in their jeans. Yeah, but my shit's clean.

Here, Dr. Blue jeans. I need these jeans done because they rip because i need them girl to sit on my faith about it ab city dude her name was ab city anyway um how about that guy who uh said that he was not 16 any 69 anymore and he was going to be legally 20 years younger and he was like yeah if people can say they're a man or a woman and they weren't born a man or a woman then i can be 49 if i'm 69 and he's trying to get it legally changed his age first of all how this guy looks exactly how you'd think he'd look and he's what is he like he's got to be like finnish or dutch or some shit right look at him

i mean look at that guy there's no way that guy talks like this. Hi, how you doing? There's no way he's from like fucking Nebraska. He's got to be from Eastern European. He's Dutch. Wow. Called it. Okay, so he looks so Dutch. And he's just like, yeah, I'm not going to be 69 anymore. I'm going to be 49 to get young pussy.

Wow. And he posed for the pic and he's just like it's on motherfuckers i like that i like that guy just uprooting the system that guy just the fact that he's like yeah oh you're gonna be a woman now even though you were born a man okay cool i'm 20 years younger. Are we on board? No? Oh, we're not. Oh, okay. Well, I was on your side. So what the fuck's the deal for me? You got to pretend like I'm 49 if I'm saying you're a guy.

I mean, face writing, you know? So uncomfortable. Also, that's not just what that guy wants. He wants to have sex too, you know? He should be a little bit more forthcoming on his Craigslist ad. I feel like a lot of people. Well, I don't know. I don't know how it goes.

Anyway, I got some dates coming up. I got some dates coming up. Fresno, Bakersfield, Austin, San Antonio, Louisville, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Boulder, Colorado Springs, Salt Lake City, Madison, Milwaukee. One of those is moving to the bigger theater because we're selling more tickets and we added a show in Salt Lake City. Chicago, Illinois, that's sold out in a day. We're going to add another one later on. Seattle, I think we're going to add another one. Hamilton, Windsor, Hamilton, Ontario, Windsor, Ontario, Kalamazoo, Michigan, Anaheim, San Ynez, Valley Center, California.

Anyway, the list goes on. Lexington, Cincinnati, Columbus, Cleveland, Huntington, New York, Hanover, Albany. So get your tickets and follow the leader tour, crystalia.com, at crystalia.com. And that's that. And download the Crystalia app so you can see you go to uh if you got itunes or wherever you get apps you can just download my app crystalia type that in type in crystalia and then you can see that podcast before anybody uh and see also other content that i do

throughout the day that i don't post on instagram and stuff like that it's the last this is right this is the last day first uh or is this from the last day? Or is this from the last one? For free domestic shipping? No. Yep. And one fire. Okay. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. And those dent shirts are being made and they'll be sent out soon. Because a thousand of you

got those. So you go and get some merch. We got the wouldn't make a dent shirts and all that shit. Just go have a visit and have fun. Just have a fucking blast on Go on, get some merch. We got the wouldn't make a dent shirts and all that shit. ChrisLeah.com. Just go have a visit and have fun, you know? Just have a fucking blast on my website. Videos go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays.

And I got a new special coming out. I got a new special coming out on Netflix January 1st. So be on the lookout for that. All right, babies. Thanks a lot. And remember, not today. Congratulations. Thank you.