Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 98. One Anus-Grab Away

Episode Date: December 11, 2018

It's the 98th episode, getting closer! On today's show, Chris talks about how he thinks a bigender robot should host the Oscars. Also discussed: TED Radio Hour, Derren Brown, Nimesh Patel, and how hard it is to do a show with no Internet (which is what we did today). Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. Hey guys, what's up? It is episode 98 of Congratulations. And this is going to be a fucking doozy.

As the guy who got into the elevator once with me said, it's a doozy. He said doozy. I don't remember. There's some story I kind of half remember where a guy got into an elevator with me and said doozy or something, and that's it. And that's, by the way, the way this podcast is going to be. I'm going to fucking half. I kind of know what's going on, but I also kind of don't. Because let me tell you something, man.

I fucking moved. I moved houses, which means we're going to get a whole new studio. And right now, this is the last time probably we're going to get a whole new studio and right now this is the last time probably we're going to be doing this studio we're going to be doing this uh podcast in this studio it's going to look the same it's going to be remnants of the same and uh but it's going to be a little bit different because it's going to be in a different room. And that's how it goes. Now, listen, because of that, we don't have the internet here.

So, one fire, and well, pretty much just one fire because Evan Getridov isn't really the internet guy, but one fire, his job has been reduced to sitting. Okay? It's been reduced to sitting. Okay. It's been reduced to sitting. He's, we have no internet. We have no furniture except for this fucking shit that we have in this. There's no furniture in my house except for this studio and one fire. We don't have the internet. And when I said to one fire, Hey, I don't have internet, he said, okay, and got here. And then when we got here, he did the quintessential, hey, guess what? I thought you meant when you didn't have internet, you didn't have internet in your new place.

Now, why the fuck would I tell him that I didn't have internet in my new place when we were going to be recording in my old place? Now, that's very interesting to me. However, we're going to let it slide. So right now, we don't have internet internet and we don't even have a chair for him. So he went outside and brought in a fucking rocking chair. So he's sitting there like a goddamn grandma. And I'm doing my podcast in episode 98,

my babies. And he's sitting there like a goddamn grandma and it's all good. My babies, it's free conch. You can sit in whatever the fuck you want to, but he's rocking. could you sit in a rocking chair and not rock i don't think i don't think that's not not really everyone feels them feels themselves enough to sit when they sit in a rocking chair to rock it back and forth that's

how you do it uh yeah so anyway big changes coming to the log cabin big changes coming to the fucking actual life of me and uh you know it's whatever we don't not only do we have not internet internet we have we don't have a uh cell service so this is like a real log cabin in the fucking this is the real log cabin that we're in not having fucking cell service not having uh uh what do you call it uh internet so that's what's up anyway i'm feeling okay today dude i went to fucking therapy talked about a little bit about my anger issues sometimes i don't really didn't really think i had anger issues uh until recently uh when in the past two, three years

started blaming everybody else for everything that is my fault. So it's all good. Let's skip over that and not get too serious too quickly. But yeah, I fucking didn't even really write shit down for this episode.

I'm like, this is going to be the... Let's just talk about one thing, dude. I forget who I was talking about this with, but I was talking about it with, somebody was talking about Instagram. And this, who was it? One of my buddies somewhere was talking about how he's done with Instagram, meeting girls off Instagram, because they just don't look like they do in person. And it's like, and it's a lie.

We were talking about how it's a lie. It's a straight up lie. If you're a girl and you look one way on Instagram, I guess guys do it too, but probably not because there's not makeup. Guys don't really give a fuck that much about the angles unless that's their thing, their models, which every girl thinks they're a model though on Instagram, so it doesn't really matter. But these girls will post a picture that is just not them straight up. It's like they might as well be in a fucking Kabuki mask. Not them straight up. It's like they might as well be in a fucking kabuki mask.

And then they and then they and then they and then you I guess you meet them and they look like somebody else. And that's crazy how that's like a straight up fucking Lizzie. You know, it's a straight up fucking lie they're saying i'm like oh there was a whole thing what was it called blackfishing or whatever the the the model that was like a white girl but she used bronze makeup and she like tried to get the full lips and the big booty that's the you know the quote-unquote you know i guess ethnic look or whatever. And then people who were like, you know, women who were like black or,

you know, uh, Latina were like, Hey, this is our look. And you're trying to fucking, you know, you're appropriating our look and shit like that.

And then the girl was like, this is just, I got a tan. What do you want me to fucking do? And I got blood implants. I can't take them out. You know? Anyway,

my point is, is if you're a girl and you are posting pictures where you don't look like you and you know what those goddamn pictures are then that's like saying that's like meeting a guy and saying i own a casino and you don't own a casino and when you're found out and when someone said you're dating a guy and you're like yeah what do you do oh you know i fucking own a casino it's all good i got a lot of money because this casino's come i make a lot of money off the casino and then and then you find out the the lady's like oh you don't but you don't own a casino. And why do you work at fucking Bank of America as a teller instead of going to the casino every day?

And then as a guy, you say, well, I don't know what you're talking about. I own a goddamn casino. And sticking with that. That's your online presence as a man. Telling someone you own a goddamn casino and sticking with it even though you know and they know you don't own a goddamn casino. That's what it is. That's what it's like, ladies, when you post a picture where you look like a fucking mannequin and then you show up and you look like a troglodyte. What you doing, dude? You're lying.

So I own a casino. And I make millions and millions and millions and millions and billions of dollars off of the casino in Morongo. Dude, my opener has a Miami Dolphins hat that he wears. And it has an M and it looks like it's a fucking Morongo hat. And every time he sees it, I say, oh, cool fucking Morongo hat. You dunce. Dude, I'm going to be in fucking Fresno and Bakersfield for some reason this weekend, and I'm going to do shows for some reason.

And it's going to be fucking probably awful to be there because it's there. But you know what? Come on out, fellas. And come on out, babies. So I'm going to drive up to Fresno. I'm going to fucking stay there the night. Then I'm going to go down to Bakersfield. Then I'm going to leave Bakersfield and come back home.

And the next time we do this podcast, it's going to be in the new studio. And it's going to be on. And the guy who's building my new podcast room, his name for real, in real life, really is Juan. He's Juan Hire, though, because I'm going to hire him. So, yeah. I did shows at the comedy store. Did shows at the fucking... Dude, life is good, man.

Life is honestly all. You know what I fucking realized this week that I hate that I realized it too? Because people say this, but attitude is everything, man. It really is. If you're in a bad mood, you look dead. If you're in a good mood, you're living babies. I got shoulder pain, check. Back pain, check.

But if I'm constantly thinking about it, I'm dead. And I look less attractive, too. If I'm thinking about my shoulder pain, I'm thinking about my back pain, I'm walking around and I'm like, ugh, I look less attractive, man. The ladies aren't batting their ashes lashes to that. But if I'm like, fuck this shoulder pain, fuck this back pain. I'm coming up and I'm walking around. And I'm feeling good.

The ladies are batting their lashes. That's what's happening, man. I'm noticing Jessica Rabbit everywhere. Yeah, dude. I saw that because I, you know what I did that week? This week, I figured that out. I'm smart. I'm fucking smart as shit, dude, because I figured it out.

But I also realized this week that I'm one traumatic thing happening to just my brain breaking and being a crazy person like straight up like if somebody stabbed me it would be so traumatic and I lived it would be so traumatic I would just change

I would just be done I'd just be like a mumbler or if someone like really big and hulking just put me in a corner and just groped my cock and like went so far down that even that the that that he went under it and then part of his finger went in my asshole i would be be done, done, right then, done, right then. If a Hulk came in, cornered me in the back of a comedy club while everyone was gone and just went, come here, and fucking just straight up, you know, palmed my fucking under, my undercarriage and my fucking taint to where his finger went under it and and went and not even in my anus but touched my anus a little bit done that's it guess what i am after that from then on i'm a mumbler i'm just a guy that's going to be you know what was it you're talking

about what you're talking about the government is going to be doing that shit that's it my brain broke as soon as his fucking finger hit my anus, my brain goes and that's it. And that's it. And then I'm a mumbler. That's it, dude. I can't handle anymore. And I haven't even handled that much. I've had a good life.

But that's it, dude. I'm one traumatic thing. Somebody stabs my midsection and I make it through it. That's it. If a Hulk corners me and grabs my fucking balls and anus, that's it, dude. I'm one traumatic thing. Somebody stabs my midsection and I make it through it. That's it. If a Hulk corners me and grabs my fucking balls and anus, that's it. You ever had your fucking anus grabbed? That's how far away I am from my brain breaking. One anus grab.

I'm one anus grab. I'm one anus grab away from my brain breaking. And there's your fucking quote. If I ever run for mayor, that's what my platform is. Remember, we are all one anus grab away from our brain breaking. I own a casino. I own a casino. I make money from a casino.

Excuse me, Mr. D'Elia. Mayor, we know that you don't have a casino. I make money from a casino. Excuse me, Mr. D'Elia, Mayor. We know that you don't have a casino at all. I don't know what you're talking about. I have a casino. I own one. I make money from it. I get percentages. Please, can we get a reporter to ask me a question now that looks

somewhat like her Instagram page? I mean, dude, you know? Oh, shit. You know what this podcast is truly devolving into, now that we don't have internet and Ivan gets rid of it and one hire is sitting here in this small room with me is just like, literally they feel like doctors and I'm a fucking crazy person losing my mind. They're not even doing anything. One's in a

rocking chair for fuck's sake. And I'm just sitting here talking to nobody. There's nobody in here right now when I'm doing this, literally nobody is in here. And I'm, you know, I hope this winds up on the internet, but who the fuck knows? Maybe this is all in my head. This is like Fight Club. What's that song that goes, stop?

The Pixies song from there? Isn't that, doesn't it start with that guy, somebody saying stop? In my mind. Where is my mind? One higher and one higher. Stop. I wish we

had internet, dude. I would fucking stop. The worst representation of it of all time i'll drink coffee on you motherfuckers oh man so that's that's it man this reminds me of the time i was in australia and i had to do the podcast anyway i'll fucking never stop doing this podcast i will stop though i honestly swear to god i will stop if you stop listening if the second we start going down i'm done that's it so

tell the babies tell recruit babies dude um yeah i don't know this ke Kevin Hart thing is fucking crazy. I wonder who's going to end up hosting the Oscars. I think they need a... You know what they need for real? I think if they get somebody that's too progressive, they're going to piss off everyone else. That was the other half. Like if you get Hannah Nannette Gatsby or whatever, if you get hannah net gatsby or whatever if you get hannah the great gatsby then you're gonna you're gonna piss off everyone you're gonna piss off

everyone else and they don't want to do that either i think they need to get a robot they need to get a fucking robot they need to get a fucking, like, feminine-looking male robot to just come out and be like, hello, it's the 2018 Oscar Awards. 2019. I guess it would be 19, right? 2018, 2019 Oscar Awards. Everyone here is family. Bzzz. And then it bleeds out of its pussy dick and it's like, ha ha ha, well, that's natural.

Bzzz. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Hello. Nominated for Best Picture. Nominations for Best Picture. Green book. Whoops. More blood coming down the leg. That's natural. Best picture. The fucking one with Steve Carell and the boy. Whatever that one was, that is for sure boring. Whoops, I'm standing in blood. That's natural. And then it cuts to Jonah Hill just like...

Hello. Nominations for Best Actress. Meryl Streep, of course. Was she even in a movie this year? It doesn't matter. Drip. Whoops. That's natural. I just slipped in my blood. What?

Then it cuts to fucking the guy from Black Panther just in a coat that's too long for him. Just like, welcome the blacks and Asians and whites. Whoops. whoops. And then he slipped. And then the, the, the him, her robot falls and slips.

And there's like fucking period blood all over it. Like the robot face. And then the people who keep coming up, just accepting their awards. They, they like the, she hands the, she,

he hands the award to the person and there's blood all over the award. And then, but everyone who wins, like speaking afterwards in the fucking, the, the post talk where they like talk about who else they want to thank and shit backstage. There's like blood all over their fucking dresses and faces and shit. And then one guy is like, I don't know what's up with all this fucking – why they had to have period blood all over.

And then that person gets slammed so hard the next day and loses his fucking career. And it's like Will Ferrell said the thing. And then we looked up old tweets also. That's natural. Uh-oh. And then just fucking like and then but the male robot would have weird ass like pancake tits like not even like good ones but like bad ones just just just to fucking like draw out the trolls on the internet that'll be like look at her fucking gross tits and then that person will lose their job

it's natural to have flat boobs after i i fed my robot daughters and sons with this so now they're flat do not make fun of motherhood it's natural and then and then they gave a too long speech and then the robot comes up and just fucking manhandles this shit out of them. Just like rips them off stage. Like that's the only thing that malfunctions. And there's blood all over them falling all over the place, but they're trying to fucking bring them backstage and they fall down a little bit. And fucking Timothy Chevalier is all fucking blood up

and he's trying to drag them off. And Timothy Chevalier just has fucking... Hey, what's up with these fuckers with the names, man? Timothy Chavalier, what the fuck's his name? Chalamet? Fuck out of here. Timothy Chalamet. Chalamet, you know?

Is there a fucking more cock name than Chalamet? He's American too, right? Or is he British? How could you not be British with the last than chalamet is he's he's american too right or is he british how could you not be british with the last name chalamet i don't know i am well obviously it's from fucking but like was he born in pittsburgh though you know people are from where they're from but where they're from where they're from that's annoying as shit too when people are like yeah i'm from you know new jersey but I'm Italian. It's like, yeah, okay, you're American, you fucking piece of shit.

But also, what was the fucking – I was listening to this thing on – what the fuck was it? Some podcast, some bullshit-ass podcast. I listened to it. It's actually good. Oh, the TED Radio Hour. Dude, the guy who does the fucking TED Radio Hour. This is another thing, too.

I would play if I had it, but I don't have it. But the guy, they were talking about fortune cookies. Oh, I do have it. Two-thirds of the world's grasslands are... This guy's voice is the guy... This is the guy... It's just understood. It's like a whole different parallel universe

that people who don't know cannot partake in. They always bring it to the most dramatic shit too. This lady was talking about how American Chinese food is way different than Chinese Chinese food. There's no fortune cookies. If you give a fortune cookie to somebody in Beijing, they're like,

why the fuck is there paper in this fortune cookie? That's an American thing. And General Chao's chicken is an American thing. Because if you bring up General Chao's name in China, they're like, oh yeah, the fucking famous general that killed 20 million people. But here we know him as chicken. So they are talking about that. And then they always bring this fucking shit.

Sometimes they really try to fit it in. They're like, what does he say at the end of this? It's really funny. With your track at a restaurant in China. Fruit. Actually, here in the United States, if you're Chinese, they'll often give you fruit. Wait, so when you go to a Chinese restaurant, there's kind of a wink and somebody will give you fruit. But if I go, they won't even do that.

They'll just give me fortune cookies. Yeah, it's not even a secret wink or not. It's just understood. It's like a whole different parallel universe that people who don't know cannot partake in. So they'll do this shit, and then at the end, the guy will say something. They always try to bring it around to some grander point,

and it often isn't a grand point. He'll be like, so maybe it's not important that chinese food is different whatever continent you're on maybe it's the fact that life ends and you're like what but you can get hypnotized and be like oh well yeah no you can get hypnotized into the guy's – the guy's voice is so like – so let me get this straight. If you're in Beijing and you give Chinese – you give a fortune cookie to somebody in Beijing, they'll look at you weird and she'll be like, yeah, I've done it. I did it for 20 years. There's always somebody who's like did some study for way too long. That's the most boring-ass study. boring ass study so we're talking to a woman that went to beijing and handed out fortune cookies

for 25 years all in the name of science and now let me ask you linda how how many how many times did a chinese person from china actually eat the fortune cookie and understand that it was what americans thought were chinese none so let me ask you a question then do we all die i guess yeah and then you're you're supposed to be like this when you listen to it oh so maybe it's not us that's changing. It's the weather. You sound so smug. It's not bad. It's good.

A lot of it is really good. But we're going to take you back to a time where the dinosaurs roamed the earth. No. Were they dinosaurs? Or were they just versions of us? I didn't want to be on that. And I want to just be like, they were fucking dinosaurs. Are you angry?

Or is it simply us that are angry? What? I'm you, and you're me. We're all sort of connected? He ends everything with a fucking question, too, even if it's not. Maybe it's the fact that we're all connected? This way, if he's wrong, he could be like, maybe it's not about being wrong.

It's about being right the wrong way. Yeah, okay, man. Fuck off. Welcome to TED Radio Hour, where it's not TED Talk, but it's another thing. It's called TED Radio Hour. This way, we can have two different podcasts called TED Talk and TED Radio Hour,

and we can make more money. We can have the same ads in both podcasts, and you'll listen to both of them, and we'll just make more money. Maybe it's not the fact that we're making money. Maybe it's the fact that we're growing. Is it the weather? Okay. Okay.

That's a fart noise for you. And I do it because I'm disrespectful. Yeah, man. I watched this fucking thing. Last night. And I don't know. I was told to watch the fucking Darren Brown. By the way, you know this guy's like the mentalist or whatever.

Darren is the most British fucking shit. Name it. His name is Darren, but Darren, you know? And every time you Google Darren Brown, it says, did you mean Darren Brown? And I want to be like, no, Google. I meant Darren Brown, and he should change his name.

But I watched the fucking thing. Now, he's like this mentalist that'll be like, it's so, I don't, he did, I talked about it a long time ago it was the push it was called push on netflix and he gets a guy to fucking kill somebody which is like ridiculous but he like basically just plays on there he selects the right people first of all he weeds out the non-bitch made betas and then he picks up the bitch made betas and then he's like

I'm going to merely suggest a bunch of little things to this man and eventually he's going to end up you know, impaling himself on a sword just to find out if it's even possible. Like so fucked, you know. So this one is called The Assassin. I was told to watch it

and because it was amazing and i watched it and it's basically about a guy who's you know it's darren brown here he comes and he's like uh the guy who killed robert kennedy was it uh was said he said sirhan sirhan was does his name and he was said he said that he was hypnotized to kill somebody now the whole thing about him is hypnotization is that you can't you supposedly not be able to hypnotize somebody into doing something that they wouldn't normally do right so you can hypnotize someone and be like hey go fucking take a shit in the bathroom right now and you'll be like okay gotta go take a shit and you go take a shit in the bathroom right now. And you'd be like, okay, got to go take a shit.

And you go take a shit in the bathroom. But maybe you wouldn't be able to hypnotize and be like, hey, go take a shit in the middle of Starbucks. Because you wouldn't necessarily normally do that. Now, if you're a bitch made beta, which a lot of the guys that Darren Brown weeds out, these guys, apparently Darren Brown is saying you could make somebody possibly go take a shit in the middle of Starbucks. But also, more importantly, you can hypnotize somebody

to go kill somebody. Because that's what Sirhan Sirhan says. He has no memory of it. And he still, to this day, says he was hypnotized or whatever the fuck, right? So, he made this thing to see if it would even, if it was even possible. And so,

he goes to, he gets this guy and he gets this guy to do a bunch of shit that he wouldn't normally do like not feel cold if he's in a ice an ice bucket and then he snaps his fingers and the guy's like oh it's freezing and he's like i don't know i made you feel like it's not cold and he's like oh well how'd you do that oh my god and he's just fucking this empty bitch ass that will do anything anyone else says right because there's levels of levels of people. Like imagine, here's the thing. Imagine me being hypnotized. That's not going to work because you know I'm going to be like,

what the fuck are you talking about? Imagine Joe Rogan being hypnotized. It's not going to work, right? But if you imagine a bitch ass motherfucker that's like, wait, what? Where do I go? Like that kind of guy, he gets fucking for sure hypnotized. But Darren Brown does shit like, here, let me see your hand, let me shake your hand, and then I'll touch his forehead and I'll be like, no sleep.

Now, what he did was, and the guy will just fucking fall down and fall asleep. And I'm like, that's fucking horse shit, right? I'll look at my girl, I'll be like, that's horse shit, right? And she's like, yeah, that's horse shit. But then I'm like, watching the fucking thing, and it seems real, like these people don't seem like actors so he falls and falls asleep and the guy's out cold and he's just sleeping because he touched his head and darren brown's like so what i did was we took a normal activity where he shook my hand

and then i interrupted that and when you interrupt something in a normal activity it checks the body up and then when i touch uh the head, it interrupts it even more. And then what happens is I'm so confident that they fall asleep. And which is like, okay, okay. So, okay. So I don't know anybody in my life that that would happen to, but K. All right. All right.

So now he spends the whole show trying to hypnotize this guy to kill somebody. So he shows him the polka dot, these polka dot wallpaper shits. And he's like, yeah, if you ever see this, you're going to fucking go into a trance and then kill someone. paper shits and he's like yeah if you ever see this you're gonna fucking go into a trance and then kill someone so he has him go to a fucking auditorium where a guy speaking steven fry by the way who i've worked with which is a funny fucking comedian from britain and he's talking and this lady in the polka dot dress comes and sits in front of the fucking bitch-ass beta. And the guy goes like, must kill, you know, and then just fucking pulls a gun out that he was given to by Darren Brown. And for some reason, this guy was like, okay, I'll hold the gun for you and just didn't understand what was going on

and then literally lapsed in memory and just shot Stephen Fry with blanks, obviously, and then Stephen Fry fell on the ground. And then later on, when the kid, when the bitch has beta snaps out of it, Darren Brown's like, so what happened? He's like, I just watched Stephen Fry do a lecture. He's like, okay, anything else happen? And he's like, nah. And Darren Brown's like, what have I told you?

That you shot Stephen Fry. And the guy's like oh what what and he's like you shot him and stephen fry's like you shot me and he's like well and they show him video of it and he's like that's not i did that i did it it's just so like hey man who are you man he had no memory of it so i guess my question for the babies is do you believe in that or not have you ever been hypnotized because i wouldn't even fucking say okay hypnotize me because i'd be like yo no because it's not gonna work so you have to be suggestible. Is that the word? I don't know.

But like I wanted him to be like, hey, here's the thing that would sell me on hypnotizing someone would be worth it, uh, would be, would be true. Like I, even killing someone, I don't believe that. I believe, okay, maybe secretly he wanted to do it to get away with it and then blame it on hypnotizing. I believe you hypnotizing works if you hypnotize someone to suck a guy's dick and they're not gay, that's,

I believe then, then I'll believe it works. So Derren Brown, your next special, I want you to be like, I am getting a room full of hardcore, straight homophobic men. And what we're doing

is we're going to try and get them to suck each other off. And then they're like, now, when you see polka dots, remember, I want you to get horny for another man. And I want you to... I want you to become gay and I want you to suck that guy's dick.

And then when they see the polka dot thing the guy will go like must suck and then gets on his fucking knees but they have to make sure the other guy also or no you know what it should be a gay guy it should be a gay guy that's like yeah that's right yeah do it then I would believe it

suck him off to completion when you see polka dots you're going to want to Suck him off to completion When you see polka dots You're going to want to suck a guy off to completion Here you go And then a guy walks in with a polka dot dress And he's just like Must suck off Gets on his knees

And then afterwards they're like So Just come all over his face, what happened, and he's like, I don't know, what happened, did I eat a glazed donut,

no, and another guy's there with just no pants on, and he's just all spent, and he's just like, what just happened, he's like, I don't know, I was just in a room full of guys,

and we're just chilling, no, what if happened? He's like, I don't know. I was just in a room full of guys and we're just chilling. No, what if I told you you sucked a guy off? Well, no way. I'm not gay. Fuck that. Well, here's video. And it's just a fucking Bukkake video. Just guys.

And Darren Brown's like, no, aim for the face. And you hear his voice over. And just some fucking fat guy in a polka dot dress. And the guy's like, yeah, okay, cool. Yeah, yeah. Come in my mouth. And he's like, well, I didn't do that. Congratulations, you're gay.

You have watched Gay with darren brown here's a towel here's a spoon to eat the rest how about the porns where they do that, dude? It's like, you know what? Sex is degrading enough. If you're a guy who gets off on being degrading, you know, during sex, it's degrading enough. Do you know why?

You're mounting someone. So you don't need to go the whole nine and come on someone's face and then give them a spoon for the rest of it you ever see that porn i guess i have because i'm a sexual deviant but i'm not but they'll be like here i saw one where a guy fucking spurted into a fucking glass and was like drink it like what hey he got probs. What if I told you, you had a guy come into a glass and then you drank it?

Well, I didn't do it. No. Here's video of it. Fluff, fluff. Gulp, gulp. You did it. Gulp, gulp. You did it! Maybe it's not about being gay.

Maybe it's about being hypnotized? Dude, I'm a fucking idiot. Maybe we're all gay. Maybe it's a sliding scale. Maybe it's like what Kinsey said. It's on a scale from one to six. Maybe most of us fall somewhere between. And it's very rare that we're

a six heterosexual or a one homosexual. Maybe we're all threes. Oh, oh. E-no-ne-no-ne-no-ne-no-ne-no. E-no-ne-no-ne-no-ne. threes. Yeah, I do, but I'll do it later. God, this fucking guy, dude. One fire, man.

We don't have the internet, so it's hard for us to fucking do this shit. I'm the ads all in the fucking wrong place but it is what it is hey what's you want to know something that's so annoying when your straw breaks and you got to suck it up like and it's like and it's fucking shooting on your shirt and all that shit it's annoying i have a hard life. I'm going to keep doubling it until I kill me. What else happened this week, though? Do you even know, guys? I like how Trump's like... What about this individual one thing? I like how Trump's like, what about this individual one thing?

I love how Trump's like, totally cleared. Wasn't me. And then they're like, you're individual one. And he's like, nah, someone else. How does he even get away with that, actually? Dude, he's got his 30% that just will believe him trump could come out and be like hey i'm a frog i know people will be like yeah he probably is actually if you think about it the way he's always hopping around different areas one day he's talking in uh phoenix and

another day he's in washington it's a big leap, but if he was any animal, he'd be a frog. Yeah. I don't know. I'm not very political. I don't know much about it. What I do know is nothing. That's what I do. I don't is... Nothing. That's what I... I don't know, man.

What's that fucking Mark Twain quote where he's like, I was so smart when I was 16, but... I fucking don't know, dude. You know, I don't give a shit. This whole thing's burning down and you're with me. Oh, that's what I should talk about. The Namish Patel. Is that his name?

The guy who on Saturday Night Live. I think his name is Namish Patel. Who told a joke on stage about how at a college and they unplugged his microphone. And how they were like, he was like doing a joke stand up that was like uh he said something about being gay is obviously a choice because there are black gay guys i'm paraphrasing but he said why would you choose to have two things that people could you know be hateful against you about right the crowd didn't respond they didn't like it and then i guess a few minutes later they came up on stage and pulled his microphone and were like hey we're deciding to go a different way with the rest of the show

you've been relieved and so you know it's it's obviously that obviously the college's choice to do that, and I get it. And free speech doesn't mean that they can't fucking take – unplug his microphone because it's a college and they can do whatever the fuck they want. And if they don't want to hire somebody that does that, then they can fire him on the spot. I get it. I'm not like, they fucking silenced him or whatever. That's not American. No, it's very American to do that if you want to however it is not

uh it does not benefit you to not hear what people have to say for instance um one time I told a joke on stage where I said something about how I'm – this is going to sound cocked. But I said something about how I'm gross or something. I'm not – it was something like I'm unattractive or something. I'm not, I'm not, it was something like I'm unattractive or something like that. And a, a girl in the audience goes, Oh,

shut up. Stop. No, you're not. Or something. And I couldn't tell the rest of the joke, which was a joke on the joke where I was going to explain why I wasn't gross or why I was more attractive or some fucking stupid joke I was doing. I can't remember.

But because she did that, she didn't listen to the rest of the jokes because she didn't understand what I was trying to fucking say. She just heard the first part of it. That's obviously not a problem because who cares? It's about nothing. But this guy, possibly the rest of the joke, could have been something else that would have been illuminating

for this college. Or, my point is, listen to the whole thing and then decide. You silencing somebody or deciding somebody can't speak is only hurting you because then you don't you don't get to hear the whole thing and then make

a decision i mean it's that fucking easy it's that basic if you don't get to hear the whole thing you have to let people you hate talk because if you don't do that then you don't get to hear the whole thing, you have to let people you hate talk. Because if you don't do that, then you won't know what the fuck they think. You won't know how to argue against it. I mean, there's so much wrong with it. If we say, hey, white supremacists, no, don't say this, don't say that. You can't do this. You can't do that. Then they're going to get more mad and mobilize even more, by the way.

Oh, they're out to silence us. Let them fucking exhaust themselves. We'll learn more about it and decide maybe how the fuck do these guys get this way. And then maybe we'll be able to fucking, you know, diminish it as much as we can because that's what, you know, it as much as we can because that's what you know should be done i'm doing a very bad job of explaining this but my point is you have to let everybody talk free speech is free speech because i think that maybe the young generation doesn't believe in free speech. And even though that's what America,

we fought so hard to get free speech. I mean, it's been so many, so many, so many, so many, so many, so many years to get to this point. I mean, now we're here, we're going to fuck it up. Big time. We haven't even had it for that long, you know. You've got to be able to say what you want. You've got to be able to joke how you want.

You've got to be able to say what you want. I mean, for it to be a crime to say something, that's where we're headed, you know? I don't know if we'll get there. But if the youth is that way, then next thing you know, the adults will be that way because they grow up. I know it's all cyclical, I guess, but... It's just a weird thing to think about. I't know when i go and i play these colleges i get fucking sometimes when if they groan which is you know if you go in with a different attitude too i don't know too i'm like a little bit of a more aggressive louder comic i feel like that happens

less to people like that because you know we seem confident you know i don't know anything about i don't know anything about namish patel's act i mean i'm sure he's hilarious uh the joke seemed funny to me um but uh i just feel like they don't i'm waiting for the colleges to do that shit i'm waiting for them to do that. I'm waiting for them to be offended. Can't wait. Because also, it's not all of them that think that. Like, there definitely are people in the colleges that are like,

oh, no, he should be able to say what he wanted. Fuck that. Why did you end the show? But the problem is shame because then those people can be shamed to be like oh yeah but that's the wrong way to think and like yeah yeah and then you ruin the fucking guy's career and you ruin the guy's fucking social life because they think a certain way it's just oh man i don't know this isn't very funny but this is how it is. I guess, because what was that thing in like Spain where a comedian said something political and then wound up in prison?

Was it in Spain? I can't remember. We can't look it up because we don't have the internet. But yeah, he was like jailed or something because of what he said politically. And that's the next few steps. If we don't fucking stop bitching and moaning about what people are saying. Whatever, dude, I'm able to have this podcast. I could say whatever I want right now.

So I guess I'm happy and I'm already 38. So, you know, my life is in full swing, but dude, if I have a kid and he's going to be like, we can't draw pictures of Jesus or whatever the fuck, you know, it's against the law. Imagine, Hey, what are you in here for? Oh, I fucking, I raped and killed people. What are you in here for? Oh, I drew a picture of Jesus holding a penis. Whatever, you know. I don't fucking know anymore. I'm just excited to get the fucking new studio going, dude.

Did you get your wouldn't make a dent shirts? They shipped them out finally. So if you didn't get them now you'll get them soon um i don't have mine of course but brendan chop and my dad have theirs so i don't know how the fuck that happened but i created the goddamn shirts don't have them all good one fire but cool um at least i'm fucking dripping with sauce in this undefeated gear right now. Fucking bowl of pasta ass motherfuckers. I'm also going to be guest of the year on Fighter and the Kid. I don't give a fuck. I let Theo have it last time.

I let him have it. And I'm going to get that belt and I'm going to melt it down to some fucking dangly earrings and I'm going to wear them, dude. Like I'm Mr. T on both sides. I don't give a fuck. Oh, we can't do Craigslist as either. We want to do that too. Do not contact me with unsolicited fucking calls or whatever. Hey, saw you at Ralph's. Wanted to suck you off. Let me know. Hit me up. Do not contact me with unsolicited fucking things.

Oh, man. Fuck it. I don't know. If I had a radio job, I'd be fired so hard. It wouldn't even be the offensive shit to be like, dude, you don't care, man. Should I be done? I can't even take Twitter questions? Dude, this episode, you know? I'm coming to fucking...

Where else? What was that? I'm coming to fucking Austin and San Antonio, Louisville, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Boulder, Colorado Springs, Salt Lake City, Madison, Milwaukee, Chicago, Seattle, Hamilton, Windsor, Kalamazoo, Anaheim, San Ynez, Valley Center, Albany, Hanover, Huntington. If you're in your city, just fucking get tickets. Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, you know, Albuquerque for some reason, Santa Fe for some reason, Phoenix, Tucson, Greensboro for some reason, Charlotte, Durham, Newport News for some reason, Oakland, and Las Vegas.

That's where we're going, babies. Las Vegas. That's where we're going, babies. And so check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at BlueApron.com slash congrats. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. And I'll tell you what, too. One of these episodes, I'm just going fucking do uh ads all episode i'm gonna take it it's gonna be the ad episode and

it's just because some guy said whoa a lot of ads dude you i'm gonna do all you know what i'm gonna do all ads one episode and you think i'm fucking joking i am and it's gonna be and I'm gonna get rich off that motherfucker I'm gonna do so many ads it's gonna be fucking 20 ads and I'm just and it's gonna be 45 minutes and then when I'm getting tired I go I take a sip of coffee and I go no bits and you listen to the whole fucking thing, and I get rich, bro. Brinks, Dunbar, Loomis, back it the fuck up, babies.

For fuck's sake, dude. I mean, I can't believe we've done 98 episodes, and we got a special one, too, coming up for the 100th episode. We got something special coming for you motherfuckers. You get to learn a little bit more about me, and you get to learn a little bit more about what's going on in my life, I guess. I don't know.

But it is the 100th episode coming up, and we're excited. We'll have the new studio soon. That's it. I guess that's it, you guys. This one was the chill mode app, man. The chill mode episode. Chill mode episode. It's the chill mode episode.

So thank you for listening. Download the Crystalia app. We weren't able to do it today, but we will next time. Oh, we have a new design coming up in the merch. I think it's the best one yet. Merch team's killing it. Follow the leader tour.

Tickets, crystalia.com. And that's it. I'm going to go. But you guys are great great thanks for bearing with me on this non-internet the the show with no internet um thanks for bearing with me next time we'll be in the new studio and we'll be fucking killing it backing up back back up to speed just fucking you know talking and googling and killing it. Thanks, guys. Thank you.