Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 99. My Hands Are Tied Now

Episode Date: December 18, 2018

It's the 99th episode, one more to 100! On today's show, Chris talks about social media influencers. Also discussed: Robert DeNiro, Copland, YouTubers, IHOP/IHOB, the republican sex position, Rs at the end of non-R words. We answer some Twitter questions and do Missed Connections. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. What's up? Hey, how you guys doing? This is episode 99. We got one more episode to 100, and that's this episode.

And that's fucking awesome, man. We are, we're, we're, we got some, you know, it feels like every few episodes we're still figuring this out. And we got new uh we got new shit going on which we got a new studio right now as you can tell i'm not in the corner anymore uh we like it a little better um and so we moved to a new studio and it's fucking awesome now it's a little echoey still because we didn't put all of the sound padding on yet but um we uh are we are uh we are gonna have that before next week also uh one fire can you have the time of the how long i've been doing on the thing monitor right there so i know oh that's that's total okay cool all right uh so yeah so we're in a new studio and i'm excited about it

and this is the 99th episode and for the 100th episode we have a surprise for you guys um and the uh also for the 99th episode i figured with the new studio and everything like that i would wear my uh infamous orange shirt that i talk about on incorrigible so if you are uh just listening to the audio you can uh watch the youtube clip and see the orange shirt that the girl made called pink that is definitely orange without a doubt if you haven't seen it yet but i do wear it from time to time so maybe you do know it now i spilled coffee now did i split now am i wearing my fucking um shoes that are the off-white uh blazers that are orange to match it yeah now did i get coffee earlier yeah did i tell them to not put room in the coffee by mistake even though i said

put room in the cuff even though i thought about putting room in the coffee yeah was it my fault yeah do i want to blame the barista? Yeah. Did I pour it out? Yeah. Did it splatter back onto my fucking shoes that are really expensive and hard to get? Yeah. Did it make me angry? Yes. Did that stop me from doing the podcast?

No. I'm here. I'm here, my babies. The shoes are a little bit like vinyl or something. I don't know what the material is, so I got to wipe it all off. Are these problems that are in the first world? Yes. Does it matter? It's my reality. that's my reality it's my reality so so that's what's up one time i was complaining about something and bobby lee goes like this he says do you understand the shit you're complaining about

people are starving and people are dying and i said hey man all problems are relative you know what i mean and i was with dove davidoff and he was on my side so we were against bobby and ever since then we've been against bobby now uh i also did the tiger belly podcast that's coming out in the first uh and in january um we got new merch that doesn't make a dent we got the babies in the we got the baby's hoodies and the baby's t-shirt in the Brinks truck font. So you put that fucking shirt on and you know that these motherfuckers know that you are backing it up. You're backing it the fuck up. And it doesn't make a fucking dent, dude. It doesn't make a fucking dent because you're backing it up.

Imagine wearing the wouldn't make a dent shirt under the fucking baby's hoodie. What? It wouldn't make a dent. Ah. Ah. They know, dude. If someone's like, oh, are you a baby? Oh, baby oh you're obviously baby you got the hoodie on and then they take it off and they go oh but it also wouldn't make a dent um i've been doing a lot of shows in los angeles because i've been having i haven't been having fun

with my material uh and so i'm out there doing my shit and i've been starting to talk about a little bit more uh new i have some newer material i have a new bit that i'm very excited about now when you're a comedian and you got a new bit that you're excited about that is priceless dude when you're a comedian you got a new bit you start you're excited about there's nothing better than that man for real you know what it's also if you think about it um it's worth i mean it's not priceless but it's worth thousands of dollars if you have five minutes of material that's worth thousands of dollars to a comedian that's crazy and you could just fucking be sitting out around at a coffee shop or just be fucking in bed and just come up with the bit and you're like dude that just helped me back it the fuck up dude babies unite um so anyway what

whatever the fuck dude i don't know i was on instagram and i was watching some fucking idiot story and she was like she was like how do you like what what temperature do you like your hot tub and it was and it and you could vote and it said hot very hot imagine first of all, imagine thinking that and putting that on as content. And then also, beyond that, imagine being a fucking guy who votes on it. Imagine being a guy who votes on that bullshit. That's just like, well, I like it it very hot so i guess i'll just vote i mean fuck it i know it's silly but even if you're doing it ironically if you're doing it ironically you're still doing it how about that if you got a fucking ironic mustache guess what you still got

that fucking mustache because you only own 50 of what the fuck is going on anyway. You can do whatever you want. My old writing teacher, my old English teacher used to tell me that. I wrote a script and I sent it to him after I graduated high school. I wrote a script, I sent it to him, and he really liked it, just so you know, babies. But also, he said, you know, you only own 50% of what you write because 50% of it belongs to the reader after you're done. And I was like, wow, he's's right and i think about that all the time that's what that is dude when i fucking move the thing one fire it fucking goes and now you know what it fucking sounds like in my ears every time because we got new headphones

we got new headphones dude we got new headphones and we got a new fucking input and everybody's plugged in and we're all having a great time dude this is fucking amazing i feel like i can't scream because it's echoey and that's bad and we got to change that because we know he's screaming this podcast we know he's screaming this podcast um so anyway uh yeah so i you know do you like your fucking hot tub hot or not? It's like, yeah, you like it fucking hot. It's a hot tub, not content post shit. When you're, when you just post shit, when you fucking don't force yourself.

That's the thing, man. These vine motherfuckers, they'd be like, we've got to make a vine today. No, you don't relax. If you're going to do it, think think of it have that fucking thousand dollar idea oh okay there we go that's worth fucking thousands don't be like hmm what do i do now if although fuck what do i know it's your job it's your job now people are making fucking thousands of dollars off of being a social media presence one time i asked a girl i was like what do you do? And she said, I'm an influencer. And I was like, whoa, she just fucking said that shit, man. She just straight up

fucking said it. Now, granted, she was probably 22, but she just came out the gate, said it like she was a fucking baker or a police officer. Hey, what do you do? I'm an influencer. Hey, what do you do? Oh, dude, I own a pizza shop. What do you do? I'm a lawyer. What do you do i'm an influencer hey what do you do oh dude i i own a pizza shop what do you do i'm a lawyer what do you do i'm an influencer and i'm not batting my i'm not batting my eyelids because that's what i do and that's a thing okay well that's fucking amazing and i've got one thing to say to that and it's het because you're a fucking influencer they got to think of a different name for that by the way they shouldn't call it influencer they should call it um i mean i guess there are other are other names for it like social media person uh but influencer sounds so fucking bitch i influence like what you might as well call yourself

fucking the lord the a lord of social media you might as well call yourself lord of social media i'm a lord in social media by the way what do you do i'm a lord in social media i'm an influencer i influence masses that's what it think i think about when someone says you're an influence i'm an influence imagine if you said imagine before social media if someone's like what do you do and you're like i'm an influencer you'd be like oh that guy's a fucking supreme cocksucker but now we just live in a world where you can say i'm an influencer and people are like okay Bro, when that word first came out, I shit on it mentally. Come on, dude. So anyway, we're off live.

I was on live. I was live on my fucking app for a while. And that's it, dude. You got it. If you want to get my app on the fucking thing, you would listen. We watch the first 10 minutes of the episode before anyone else. You do it. If you don't, you app on the fucking thing, you would listen. We watch the first 10 minutes of the episode before anyone else. You do it. If you don't,

you don't freak conch. But if you want to do it, true babe, dude, that's it. I got fucking pocket. You know, I,

that's the thing. I, I decided to do a lot of podcasts and I decided to do a lot of shows in town in Los Angeles, and now I'm, like, so, like, podcasted out. I'm going on Ron Funch's podcast in a little bit. I got the fucking Tiger Belly podcast. I'm going on Fighter and the Kid again. And it's just like I don't want to do it.

Dude, people come. I looked at this fucking – guy direct message me recently. And you know how you have the direct messages and then you can go into the secret direct messages of people that don't follow you or that you don't follow. And you're like, oh, there's a bunch of direct messages that I didn't know about. You can you can. So I got a direct message and I got a little little bit i got a red dot on the upper right thing and i was like oh this is from somebody that i've either checked a message from before or somebody i follow and it was some comedian that had like you know not a just like an

starting up comedian and he was like hey man i've got a show in uh irvine or some shit and then also in in burbank if you ever want to come by and do and drop in and do a spot uh no dude i always say this to my fucking opener and and he he gets it, dude. But some of these young comedians don't get it. You, you know, it's fine. It's fine once in person or something like, yeah, I got a show. If you ever want to drop by.

Oh, cool. Thanks. And that's it though. But like, you can't ask like there's this guy who texts me i don't even know how he was to my number i guess i gave it to him i mean i definitely gave it to him but he's a comedian he puts on a show and he's like um he's like hey uh he keeps texting me if you want come by it's a show in this fucking it's not like the improv side room you know they're in the Hollywood improv, there's the main room and there's the side room that I never want to play.

Because it's got fucking ten tables and chairs in it. And I don't know why I would play that. Because some people are like, well, maybe you want to work on material. Oh, if I want to work on material, I'll do it in the main room. Or I'll do it at the comedy store. Or I'll do it at the laugh factory. Or I'll do it in my main room or I'll do it at the comedy store or I'll do it at the laugh factory or I'll do it in my goddamn head to my dogs. But like, I don't know what they think. It's like, I guess this sounds maybe pompous or like cocky, but like, don't ask.

So anyway, the guy was texting me, hey, you want to do my show? Hey, just letting you know you want to do my show. He kept texting me. I wasn't texting back because I'm like, well, I don't want to do my show hey just letting you know you want to do my show he kept texting me i wasn't texting back because i'm like well i don't want to do that fucking room and then also like i'm doing other shows those nights and also by the way getting paid you know um and then and then he fucking so if i'm ignoring your texts from that, then, then, then he came up to me in real life and was like, Hey man, um, what are you doing some date? And I was like, Oh, what's up? And he was like, Hey, uh, uh, uh, what do you, uh, do you want to come do my show? And I said, Hey, where is it?

And he said, Oh, it's in the, it's at the improv. I said, is it in that little room? And he said, yeah. I said, yeah, I don't want to do a show in that room. I hate that room. the improv i said is it in that little room and he said yeah i said yeah i don't want to do a show in that room i hate that room and it's like well and now i gotta be a fucking asshole i don't know dude i don't know it's like if you're gonna ask a girl out you know and you text her twice or three times that's too much if she's gonna get back to you if she wants but then if you see her somewhere and you're like hey what's up hey i've been texting you did you want to go out like do you understand how you're coming across which here's the other thing too if you're a comedian the number one thing you need arguably is self-awareness If you don't know how you're coming across to one guy,

how are you going to know how you're coming across to a room full of 350 people that want to see fucking comedy? Like some of these comedians, they think they're, you know, I mean, some of these comedians, there's a few comedians I follow and some that I don't just because I can't, but it's just like you posting pictures, you think you're a fucking model. And some of them are friends of mine and I give it to them, you know, I fucking make fun of them. But like some of these guys, like they dress up in like dope. Some of them, one guy I know, one guy is a model, so it's fine. But the other guy, another guy is like a goofy looking's fine but the other guy another guy is like

a goofy looking comedian that like dresses dapper and he's like hey man he's they're like in a fucking hangar like where are you taking these pictures man are you a hoe i should see i want to see that guy out and just be like, hey, man, get fake tits. And he'll be like, what are you talking about? I'll be like, oh, the pictures you're taking. He's like, what do you mean? Oh, you're taking pictures in a hangar. What do you mean?

What do I mean? Get fake tits. He says, well, but no, I'm a comedian. Oh, you know what? I got confused. Because when I looked at some of your pictures online you're in a hangar if you're in a hangar be a hooker or an airplane all right guess what i'm never doing hanging out in a hangar dude unless i'm getting on a fucking plane okay that's it.

Case closed. My hands are tied. In that movie Copland, best acting De Niro did. My hands are tied now. Go to lunch. My hands are tied now. My hands are tied now. Best acting De Niro ever did.

I don't give a fuck. Talk about Raging Bull. Talk about Deer Hunter. Talk about Taxi Driver. Best acting De Niro ever did. I don't give a fuck. Talk about Raging Bull. Talk about Deer Hunter. Talk about Taxi Driver. Best acting ever. De Niro in Copland. My hands are tied now. Go to lunch.

My hands are tied now. There's nothing I can do. My hands are tied now. Best acting of all time, period. De Niro, period. My hands are tied now. When he said that, forget it. I was like, oh, you know what? Forget it. De Niro, best actor of all time. My hands are tied now. He did that. My hands are tied now when he said that forget it i was like oh you know what forget it de niro

best actor of all time has died now he did that my hands are tied now do you know the confidence you have to have acting to say my hands are tied now and to do a fucking my hands tied now to do the hands tied because it's so you could so closely be acting badly that's the thing he turned bad acting on its fucking ass like i say dude we're always one step where it's a circle everything's a circle i fucking say this all the time everything's a circle you go from the shit you're the shit right here if you're looking on the video podcast and then you get away from being the shit you get away from being the shit in a circular motion you get away from me now this is the furthest point from the shit and you keep going but it's a lie if you were to put that

circle out on a line you go the shit all the way not to the shit right so now you go you fucking you make that line a circle dude i'm a professor you make that line a circle and you turn it around like that this is the furthest point from being the shit but it's the closest point to be in the shit dude that's what fucking de niro did with the acting he went bad acting my hands are tied now imagine a fucking like in a i mean dude like a play in like a fucking the way he does it dude it's sid the nero dude let's go on youtube here uh i gotta play it for the podcast no internet cool i'm angry we didn't start it we didn't do it and now on fire i'm angry yeah no i know that cop land scene uh uh okay i'm doing it now here we go babies dude but imagine like a play in in like uh uh like we've all seen like high school plays

or some shit or like horrible plays where it's like imagine somebody saying my hands are tied now and they're doing their hands tied it would be horrible it would be fucking horrible and that's what De Niro did only he did it in the good way

you just wrote in Copland scene and that's what De Niro did only he did it in the good way you just wrote in Copland scene and that's what came up Jesus that's amazing that's amazing you came to me to my town with all these speeches so Stallone is talking

De Niro oh he's eating You came to me, to my town with all these speeches, and you're talking about doing the right thing. What's going on? What are you doing? Oh, he's eating. Okay. All right. All right. Look.

All right. Look, dude. De Niro is eating a sandwich in this fucking scene. That's how good of an actor he is. I probably have a sandwich or something. You know, put a sandwich down here. And then they were like, okay, well, let's get him a sandwich because he was in cop land. You know, he's like, I'm doing you a favor.

Fuck you. Put a sandwich down here. I'm going to eat it. We're going to do it about three times. I don't want to get too full. And they're like, all right. I guarantee you he did this fucking twice. Two weeks ago.

The way he's eating this fucking. That was like two weeks ago. Two weeks ago two weeks ago nobody's been more matter of fact in their life than de niro eating this sandwich right now it shows how much he doesn't give a fuck about stallone not the character stallone he's like i'm gonna eat a sandwich stallone's like i don't know if you should eat this thing he was you know he's like i I'm going to eat a sandwich. Stallone's like, I don't know if you should eat the sandwich. He was like, I'm going to eat the fucking sandwich. I'm in this movie. This is your movie. This is a good movie for you, for me.

It's nothing. That was like two weeks ago. Two weeks ago. Wow, the other guy. Oh, and by the way, the other guy who's from that fucking... What was that old show? NYPD Blue or some shit. Some show like that, not NYPD Blue. But there's another character standing off to the side of De Niro.

He's eating a fucking donut. And that was De Niro's idea too, no doubt. He was like, I'm not going to sit here. This guy's got to eat too. I'm not going to do this fucking movie unless he eats too. I want everyone eating sandwiches except Stallone. Except Stallone because we're all against Stallone. He didn't even explain it, but that's in his head.

He's like, we're all against Stallone. We've got to be eating. That's so... Dude, that's a real, real fucking boss move. Wow. You got to think... You got to fucking keep that mentally, babies. If you want to pull a boss move on somebody,

you fucking get everybody in the room eating sandwiches. Except the one guy you want to pull the boss move on. God damn, that's a fucking we all we know we learn things. We learn things every day. And that's one of them right now. We you want to pull the biggest boss move. You fucking eat a bunch of sandwiches. And you don't have one guy eat the sandwiches that you're talking to. And you know I'm right.

Here we go. There we go. Yeah. Bad living, by the way. Not even in the script. Didn't. Wasn't part of it. Made it up. Fell off a building. It wasn't part of it. Made it up. Fell off a building.

The director's like, I'm really sorry to have awoken you from your slumber, but it's over. Hands are tied now. You shut me down. You don't listen to me. You are me. That's why I came here.

You can do whatever you want. The way he did it, dude. I'm being a cop now. I'm a hero. I'm asking you for some help. I've awoken you from your slumber, but it's over. Hands are tied now. I'm here. I'm asking you for some help. I've awoken you from your slumber, but it's over. Hands are tied now.

You shut me down. It goes like this. That's why I came to you. You can do whatever you want. Remember you came to me and said, you want to be a cop? I'm being a cop now. I'm here. I'm asking you for some help. I need to do this.

I need to do this for myself. Listen to me, you deaf fuck. I offered you a chance when we could have done something. You blew it. Oh, I forgot about this part. And you blew it. So De Niro in 3, 2, 1. You offered me a chance to we could have done something. You blew it. Oh, I forgot about this part. And you blew it. So De Niro in 3, 2, 1.

You offered me a chance to be a cop and you blew it. Ah, you blew it. Wow. You know he's eating tuna too. Just to say fuck you to Stallone. Fuck, I offered you a chance when we could have done something. I offered you a chance to be a cop, and you blew it. Best acting I've ever seen in my life.

Best acting I've ever seen in my life. In my whole life, dude. My hands are tied now. And he stands up. I offered you a chance to be a cop, and you blew it. Amazing. Girls, when you have sex with your next guy and they after they have set after they uh bust a nut you gotta say you blew it you blew it and if they're kinky and they like to tie you up you say my hands are tied now wow so dumb it's hot my babies It's fucking steaming hot in this room. We're getting the kinks out.

Okay, we're going to do. Here we go. Yeah. Yeah. You blew it. But it's over. Hands are tied now. You shut me down.

No, no, listen to me. You're IA. That's why I came to you. You can do whatever you want. Remember you came to me and said, you want to be a cop? I'm being a cop now. I'm here. I'm asking you for some help. I need to do something. I need to you you can do whatever you want remember you came to me and said you want to be a cop I'm being a cop now I'm here I'm asking you for some help I need to do I need to do this for myself

I offered you a chance when we could have done something I offered you a chance to be a cop and you blew it wow I could listen to that all day somebody's got to make some music with that um I also see like by the way those fucking Somebody's got to make some music with that. I also see, like, by the way, those fucking, like, who's, if, I think I've talked about this before.

Here's the deal. If you do the Q&A things on Instagram, like the story thing, it's so fucking... Also, everyone does it like this. Hey, I'm at the airport. I'm bored. Why don't I do this? No. No. Do it because he's self-centered, egotistical, and that's it.

It's for conch. Do it if you want. But don't act like, meh, I might as well do this shit. Meh. Huh. Waiting for my pizza. Huh. Might as well ask some questions.

Go ahead, ask away. Might as well ask some questions. Go ahead, ask away. And so this chick with some fucking fake tits and some guy's like, What's your dream guy? It has to have a sense of humor. It has to be driven. When chicks say dudes have to have a sense of humor, you know?

We're so ridiculous. People are fucking boring, huh? Like, just straight up. People are just so boring. How about how that Copland movie clip has 124,000 views? Who the fuck's looking up that scene? That's crazy weird to me. But don't, yeah, don't.

We got to stop. We got to fight this fucking cuda shit where you're just pretending. Be who you are and it's fine. You don't have to fucking fake it and pretend. Just fucking be who you are and that's fine. Hey, I'm a glutton for fucking attention ask me questions that's it

you can't be like my hands are tied now i'm fucking you know i'm waiting for a pizza how about when some when fucking people from the east Coast put an R at the end of pizza. That's unbelievable. Hey, you want to get a pizza? Oh, there's no R at the end of it. I got an idea. Oh, but it's idea. I-D-E-A. I got an idea.

Let's get a pizza. Hey, I got an idea. You want a pizza hey i got an idea you want a pizza hey are you a fucking lunatic um my buddy uh my buddy brendan shawb went on first of all somebody get brendan shawb to stop fucking posting pictures of porsches with christmas trees on top of them thanks second of all uh yeah he was on uh logan paul's podcast impulsive and everyone is first of all everyone everyone is hitting me up like hey your boy what are your thoughts like dude this isn't i'm not a fucking you know what i mean this isn't, I'm not a fucking, you know what I mean? This isn't news. Okay? Just, he can go on the podcast if he wants.

And people are like, oh, dude, you fucked up, Brandon. Why are you going on the podcast? Look, first of all, I listened to almost, oh, I listened to a lot of it. I'd say at least half because I wanted to hear it. And Logan's been asking me to go on the podcast and I've been thinking about it you know I mean I'm fucking never in town now but uh and uh yeah he reached out to me or something or you know what happened Logan uh posted on his timeline that he was laughing at my Emin&M impression.

And so I was like, oh, I was like, oh, that's cool. It's like, you know, because like here's the thing, man. If you're in a Twitter roast thing with somebody, like I'll tell you right now, I don't really give a fuck. If somebody's going to, if I'm just playing with somebody, even if I'm like, yo, go fuck yourself, yada, yada. Like I don't know the guy, so fuck it. Like, how am I actually angry with somebody that I don't know? Really, in a personal way, I can't be.

So people who, you know, are fans of mine but don't really get my humor are like, dude, oh, you hate fucking Logan Paul, which is, dude, I don't know him, okay? I've never met him. But I listened to the podcast that Brendan was on, my boy Brendan Schaub, and if that was the first thing I ever heard of, of, of Logan,

I'd be like, Oh, this guy seems like a legit dude. He's very self reflective. He was talking about his, you know, he's, he's quick to say,

Oh, I fucked up or whatever. And just seems like a regular guy. That's a nice dude. And a smart guy at that. I think, and that got me to thinking um you know first of all people are so quick to just bash somebody and you know what he did when the suicide forest was it was a stupid move i've done stupid shit i don't know if i've done something as

stupid as that maybe i have maybe i haven't uh A lot of people probably have. But this guy, it got me thinking, if you grow up through YouTube and posting things, and that's your community, posting videos, people know of your videos before they know of you. Even your friends, you post a video of you. I mean, you see it all the time. You post an Instagram. That's how you keep up with your friends. But if you're a 35-year-old just getting Instagram, you already know who you are. If you're 20, I'm sorry, but you don't know who you are yet. I mean, maybe some of you do. Okay, I can't say all of you. But like, you know, the brain stops developing when? I don't know who you are yet. I mean, maybe some of you do. Okay, I can't say all of you. But like, you know, the brain stops developing when? I don't know.

I'm not a scientist. But I mean, you're holding people accountable for shit that they said when they were 14, which is not okay because you're not who you are. And then also take into the account that this kid and a lot of these kids grew up posting. They didn't grow up talking and conversing with people, but they also, the thing that is charging and leading their lives is posting. And that's not okay. And this is a new thing in our lives in the world so we're still learning what the effects are of this we don't know there's no data you don't know why somebody

we don't really know why somebody post you say oh yeah because you know it's instant gratification but you don't really know you don't know who the people are that log on to twitter you don't know who the main what their main drive is to log on to fucking youtube you don't know what their main drive is to log on to instagram on instagram so so we're very quick to just judge somebody to do something stupid online. But you have to understand, this is also a bigger problem with the whole community, with YouTube, with the people that are... It's like when I say, you know, you're an idiot for posting a Q&A, but then you're an idiot for fucking answering and voting.

So what I'm trying to say is, no, I don't hate him. People are like, oh, we know you hate this guy. Oh, you people, even friends of mine. Are you guys cool now? There's no cool or not cool. I don't know the guy. He seems like a fine guy. He actually, when I, I don't know anything about him.

The only thing I know, I mean, i know of him obviously i know the the posts but and those youtube videos they're not for me but i'm not the demographic they're for kids so fine he got way too wrapped up in it did the suicide forest thing that was a big mistake uh but watching the the podcast with brendan the guy seems like a fucking guy i you know i don't know i feel a little i felt a little bit bad too because when i saw brendan did the podcast i was like oh wow i was like huh it's like i wonder why he did that because of all this negative shit that surrounds lo Logan with the suicide forest thing. And then I thought, oh, well, I'm just going to look at it.

And I thought, oh, these are two fucking grown men that are having adult conversations. And nobody's going to go beyond that thing that they, there's a lot of people, and smart people are not going to go beyond that headline of, Oh, he filmed the dead body, which is problematic. It actually is problematic because, because, you know, you get the guy that, okay. It's like, it's like, it's like, look at what happens with Jordan Peterson. Okay. Really smart, well-thought-out guy. Not alt-right. He's not an alt-right guy.

People have a visceral response to him because of what he's saying. Then they post about it, write an article. That's a well-thought thought out article of their visceral response. And then somebody sees the title of that article, doesn't read the article and thinks, wow, fuck Jordan Peterson. That's a game of telephone. That's fucked. And that's fucked and that's what everybody's doing and that's a problem so all i'm saying is if you're a listener of my podcast just try to get some fucking context here period when you judge some before you judge somebody because you don't know and maybe fucking these guys really are assholes but do your fucking homework and find out for yourself read all the things about it

because i think i look dude i think i think i think i'm a good person but i've said dumb shit and if you take all of the things on this podcast that i said that are dummy shit and clip them all together you're gonna think I'm a fucking flagrant asshole. I would think that. So it's a weird fucking thing, man. It's so fucking weird. So basically,

all I'm saying is... That's what I'm saying. It's over. Hands are tied. Hands are tied now. Hands are tied now. Hands are tied now. You shut me down. Hands are tied now. Hands are tied now. Hands are tied now. Hands are tied now.

You shut me down. Hands are tied now. That's amazing. Hands are tied now. Hands are tied now. Um. Yeah. I don't know. We take breaks, babies. Um, hey, by the way, what's the deal with, I said, Duncan, I don't know, Duncan Donuts

changed it to Duncan. Um, what's up with IHOP? IHOP. IHOB. Let me tell you something. I will never go to IHOP again because of their fucking bullshit stunt about how they changed their name and they didn't. Whenever I drive by fucking IHOPs, I see a P at the end. Change it or I'm not going. Make it IHOB or I'm not going anymore. ihob or i'm not going anymore and look i don't

you know oh okay well chris lee's not coming who gives a fuck okay fine neither are the babies how about that i've fucking spoken that's bullshit man listen sheriff i'm really sorry to have awoken you from your slumber but it's over hands are tied now you understand if you're trying to go ihop by the way i forgot to do the sorry for the ads that we didn't sorry guys i gotta catch up on these for the ads. Sorry, guys. Life's good. Does my back hurt?

Yeah. Does my shoulder hurt? Yeah. Did I do a jump yesterday at the gym and did I feel my back tighten up and then did I have to take it easy? Yeah. I'm a 38?

Yeah. Is life good? Yeah. Would I pay 100 grand for my back and my shoulder not to hurt yeah can i do that no should i have been born in 20 years when they can figure out pain probably yeah dude i think about that shit all the time um about how like the future needs to catch up and about how they'll figure it out.

When I was a kid, I would be like, they'll figure out all this shit though. By the time I'm 30, they'll have it all dialed in. Guess what? People still dying of cancer. People are still dying. Yep. You can cure HIV.

Even though you can maybe. Because of Magic Johnson. What the fuck happened there? The guy looks healthy and shit. Dude, old basketball. Nobody looks less healthy than old basketball players. Just moving all around and shit. Like fucking rock creatures.

Just old basketball dudes. Just hobbling around. God, they're so tall. Hey, what's going on? Ah, too tall. Ah, cool. Too tall and 50? Cool.

50 and too tall? Dead soon. Straight up. You whole body aching? Why? Too tall. Oh, hey, how come? I'm as tall as a tree.

Oh, okay, cool. Hey, I'm as tall as a redwood. So after 50, might as well kill myself. All right, cool. Guess what I'm going to do a tree? Oh, okay, cool. Hey, I'm as tall as a Redwood. So after 50, might as well kill myself. All right, cool. Guess what I'm going to do? Babies order food on you.

That's how disrespectful I am. You think I give a fuck? I ain't got no mother. That's why I fucked your bitch. You fat motherfucker. How about remember when the guy was not, remember in Guinness book, dude,

I used to love those Guinness book or world records. Motherfuckers. Dude, I used to get them every single year. I used to make my parents get them for me. And the guy was nine feet tall. Robert Pershing was nine feet tall, lived to be fucking 11. Okay, see ya.

Dude, if you're nine foot tall, you live to be 11. That's it. You cannot live past 11 if you're nine feet tall. Yeah, he was 22 and he died at 22, right? Yeah, because you can't be fucking 9 feet tall. So there you go. You can't be fucking 9 feet tall, dude. What's the place I order from?

Oh, yeah. It's a good restaurant on Melrose called fucking Beefsteak. Sounds like fucking... What do I get? I don't remember. I haven't gotten it in a while. Yeah.

Oh, they don't have it anymore. Do it happen when you fucking... I'm Postmates and Baby. I'm Postmates and Baby. What is this shit? Smoothies? Guess what i never want a smoothie you know why i want to eat all the shit as it is i'm not i don't need to fucking don't grind up all my fruit you know that's the thing man you're not supposed to eat that you're not supposed to eat it that way now granted i ain't processed sugar because purse but like you know

uh uh all right all right dude kale all right dude here we go kale we getting kale seasonal we getting seasonal veggies. Dude, seasonal veggies. Just say veggies, you know? I know they're the ones in season because it's this season and you don't have to be fucking dundant, dude. Don't be fucking dundant. Anyway. Let's do some Twitter questions and then we'll do some

misconnections, dude. Let's do some misconnections. Let's do those first. I mean, dude, come on. Well, this one's the best one i've ever seen okay so this one's says the title this title Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol. Looking for a deep throat car technician. There's something that you never... There's the worst band ever.

Deep throat car technician. Hey, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for coming out. We are deep throat car technician here's a song about love probably uh i'm looking for a female deep throating car technician who can help me out in downtown la tomorrow morning or at noon what the fuck do they mean do not contact me with unsolicited services or office? There's for sure somebody you can contact with unsolicited services.

What is a deep throat car technician? Do you need somebody to actually work on your car? Or do you just need somebody to suck your cock? I mean, what if she's like, oh, I don't know anything about cars, but I'll suck your cock i mean what if she's like oh i don't know anything about cars but i'll suck your cock okay oh no dude yeah i mean i'd love to but i really need my car worked on too like what talk about kill two birds with one stone hey do you got anybody getting suck my cock but also fix my fucking uh carbonate carbonator is that the is that a thing what is it carburetor carbonator it makes soda

i'm manly bro carbonator dude that how, that's the guy, by the way. He just needs a BJ, but he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, no, but I, I also, I need a carbon. I need to fix my carbonator, but, um, oh, by the way, if you could throw a BJ in it, Oh, by the way, if you could throw a BJ in it. How about this one? This is my wow. This one. The fact that.

Okay. 69 cock suck. Today at Los Angeles with an exclamation point. Like 69 cock suck today at Los Angeles. First of all, Dundant, you don't need to say cocksuck if you're 69. He put 69 first because people were scrolling for 69. It's like, oh, wait, what's going on? 69 cocksuck today at Los Angeles.

Why am I like this? You know that meme? 69 cocksuck car technician. Why am I like this you know that meme 69 cocksuck car technician why am i like this um i'm in los make it bigger i'm in los angeles for the day oh man i like how it's just i'm not not where i usually am just looking for a 69 cocksuck. I'm looking to meet up with someone. The city and want to. I mean, this guy. Did you guys know English? I'm in Los Angeles for the day.

I'm looking to meet up someone in the city and want to some discreet fun with. I'm an attractive 29 year old, 29 year white female five six love give and receiving oral and also love to some clean cock in hotel room i mean figure it out if anybody interested ask me anything please text me now sucker mom 36 what please text me now sucker mom 36 at atg plus question mark. I don't know. Malil, I host. Please put the subject. Cock suck in reply. This person is dirty as fuck.

Thank you. Oh, he's polite at the end. She's polite. You know, go down oh you can solicit this person with fucking anything unsolicited goes also you can hit up this person if they want to you want them to like fix your carbonator or something oh no sorry do not contact me with unsolicited this is way down there what is all that shit that they're writing so it's searchable oh oh and then by the way there's something down there that says looking for cello players at

all levels hey babies in tuxedos lol why does it say that for no reason it just says babies in tuxedos, LOL. Maybe that means podcast listeners. Okay, see ya. This one gets right to the point. Seeking blonde milf with big titties. I am a 31-year-old male who is looking for a hot blonde milf cougar type with huge titties. What's wrong with this world?

I am. Oh, wow, dude. I am open to all positions. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Like, by the way, what does that mean? All positions, I guess. You're on top. Me.

You want to do some doggy? I'm down. You want to do the Republican? I'm down down you want to do the wheelbarrow will i hold your ankles and you fucking are on your palms god how boring on are you if you're doing interesting sex positions just there's three i've said this before. You do on top. You do her on top. You do doggy. Or you do the Republican, which is the side laying down doggy, the lazy doggy.

I call it the Republican because you're Republican as shit if you're doing that. A Democrat has never done that. Here we go. What are you laughing at? This one? Just what I'm saying like a fucking moron you literally have your red tie on while you're doing the fucking side doggy how lazy are you if you're fucking doggy style and you're like yo actually let's lay on our left side

i need to straighten out my legs they're cramping I need to straighten out my legs. They're cramping. Here's another one, and then we'll get off to Twitter questions, maybe. Looking for a snack. Torrance. First of all, way to use today's jargon, today's hot language. Looking for a snack.

I hate that shit. Whole snack? See ya. Just been in a slump. Yeah, no you're on craigslist looking for a snack oh you're on a slump no looking for a snack just been in a slump want to interact with a woman sad sad Just been in a slump. Want to interact with a woman. Eh? Sad?

Sad. Sad. Want to interact is the saddest word. Just been in a slump. Want to interact with a woman. By the way, interacting with someone is, hey, how you doing? And that's it also. That's sad. Imagine getting a fucking, imagine your dick going horizontal for that.

Want to, imagine your dick going perpendicular for that. Want to interact with a woman. I'm fluffy and down to have a snack. Fluffy, dude. No, no. No dude no no no no no no no no no you fat you don't get to use cute words because you lazy um i'm fluffy and down to have a snack let's chat and maybe chill do not contact me with unsolicited service or offers i actually believe that from this guy because this guy sounds like he's just lonely and wants to just kick it. Wow. What is that one? God, these fucking things are amazing.

L.A. tin bro home alone second street discreet latin oral guy looking for buds to come over and relax no pressure very oral guy here jack bj play by car uh oh play by ear it's too far away uh jack that's. Just no fucking punctuation at all. Very, very oral guy here, Jack BJ play by ear. Oh, very oral guy here, Jack BJ play by ear. Straight by, no drama. Guy, serious pick stats for now, now. Serious only. For now, now.

He wants it now, bro. All right, let's go to Twitter questions. Do we have any good ones? No? You babies didn't come through. Make it bigger. wants it now bro all right let's go to twitter questions do we have any good ones no you babies didn't come through make it bigger uh oh that's a good one b5 at beef ff5 i don't know crystalia at congrats pot thoughts about guys who unbutton and buckle their pants yeah like you leave the buckle on but you just unzip and let your fucking dick out to uh and pull down their underwear at the urinal instead of unzipping and using the flap on their me undies yeah uh you're talking about a guy that leaves it buckled

and just takes their dick out to piss those guys uh you can't trust. That's so weird. It's extra work. You think you're unzipping your fly and you're like, I don't have to unbuckle it. But those guys, they have no time management skills. They think it's easier to just unzip and let the cock out. It's not. It's more work. You got to fucking hold the belt and unzip and then reach in like you're trying to fucking pick a lemon and pull your cock out. And the zipper, by the way, shreds the layer of skin on your cock. I'm sensitive, babies. So that's bullshit. sensitive babies. So that's bullshit. If you just, if you, if you look like you just have your pants on period from behind, when you're pissing at a urinal, you can't, nah, you're just get with the

program and just pull your pants down. Now I've seen a guy take his pants all the way down. It is. If you got your pants down at your ankles, at the urinal, you deserve to get fucked in the butt. Straight up right there, you deserve to get fucked in the butt. And if it happens, that's your fault. That's on you, dude. You deserve to get fucking pumped. Right in your butt. You know, you try to not get fucked in the butt, but you blow it.

Okay, Austin Lopez, at Austin's Dolphins. Change it. Chris Talia, what's the most amount of pounds you'd pack on for a role? Four. That's the kind of motherfucker I am four prosthetics hey use give me put me in a fat suit this christian bale shit i love christian bale but also part of me wants to be like hey act these hot actresses that are like, I need to get into it. I'm going to play someone ugly.

Hey, act. Oh, you put a hook nose on because you're trying to get an Oscar? See him through you. The baby see through you. The baby see through that. Four pounds. I don't know, man. I would get fit for a roll if i need to hold a gun and fucking shoot some motherfucker i'd get fit for a roll but get fat it's i don't know maybe i i don't know i'd shave my head but do what uh christian bale did in

the most respectful thing i've done on this podcast to date is just yawn like i'm just chilling with you guys like you're in a room thank you very much um anyway yeah so that's good that's it that's good. That's it. That's good. We're good. Four pounds. And the episode 100, episode 100 is coming on Christmas Eve. And it is, there's a special thing. It's going to be a different format. And I just want you guys to know that.

And it's going to be awesome. We are going, we are going to have our first guest, our first guest, and it's our 100 episode. So stay tuned for that. Follow the leader dates on web, on my website, buy tickets as Christmas gifts, babies. I'm going to so many different cities. Download the Chris D'Elia app. You can watch the first 10 minutes of the podcast live and chat with other babies on there. Subscribe to the YouTube channel, please.

Rate and review our show. It really helps us. Videos go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays. Dates coming up, San Antonio, Louisville, Kentucky, Austin, Indianapolis, St. Louis. Um,

so get your tickets there. And, uh, and that's it, man. And remember, my hands are tied now. Thank you.