Consider This from NPR - BONUS: How One Family Is Learning To Support Their Non-Binary Child

Episode Date: May 16, 2021

Nine-year-old Hallel is the oldest of three children. They also identify as a "boy-girl," which was a revelation to their parents Shira and Ari when Hallel made the announcement to them.Through a series of family recordings and interviews with WBUR's Martha Bebinger, the family shared the story of how this realization unfolded, and what they're learning.Email us at [e-mail] more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Meet Halal. I'm Halal of Massachusetts, of the United States. Halal is nine years old and has two younger sisters. I like to draw, read, bake, play with Legos, and hang out with my sisters. And three years ago, when Halal was just six, they had something to share with their parents. And I am a boy girl. The revelation came after Halal was playing with their little sister, Yara. Do you remember?

Well, Halal was crying. Yeah. Right, Halal was crying, and I, you know, we said, what's wrong? And Halal said, well, Ya'ara and I are playing parents. And Ya'ara says that she's the mommy and that you're the daddy, meaning Halal is the daddy. And that doesn't feel right because I'm a boy girl. Yeah. That's Halal's parents, mom Shira and dad Ari.

We're using the family's first names due to Halal's age. Now, this news didn't come as a complete shock to the pair, but they still weren't necessarily prepared for it. And so it felt a little bit like getting up to the top of a roller coaster, where you know, like, okay, now it's going to begin, and I don't know exactly what's going to happen next. But what I do know for sure is that this is happening. Coming up, we'll hear more from Halal and their parents

and how this family isn't shying away from letting their child explore their gender identity. From NPR, I'm Adi Cornish. It's Sunday, May 16th. It's Consider This from NPR. Halal's dad, Ari, says that they had known that Halal was gender nonconforming in some way for many years. I think we had asked ourselves that was Halal transgender? Was Halal a girl? And that didn't quite feel right either. If the pair bought Halal action figures, they preferred female characters. Halal also liked watching fairy movies and drawing pictures of dresses.

Dad Ari says that wasn't an issue, that there's lots of ways to be a boy and lots of ways to be a girl. But at times it was confusing as parents. And we were always trying to come up with this calculation of like, Halal's acting girl-like, Halal's acting boy-like. But what a relief. Halal has acted boy-like for the past three weeks. So maybe this is going to stick. Halal's mom, Shira, there. Both mom and dad say that while they had read about people who are transgender,

they weren't quite familiar with the term non-binary. Being non-binary means that someone doesn't see themselves with a gender binary of male or female. So Halal calling themselves a boy-girl, well, it just fit. Dad Ari says it felt right. And now, three years later, after Halal first said it, Ari says it still feels right. Halal and their family take the story from here, told through their own recordings, and in interviews done with WBUR's Martha Biebinger. We make the introduction. Okay. We're making a recording. Okay, hello. Can you tell me what it feels like to be a boy girl?

That's a hard question. Like, I just feel like myself, and that's it. I don't feel that different from anybody else. What about you as a boy? So first of all, there's nothing specifically for boys or girls. I just feel like a girl as well as a boy. Yeah, and I guess the question is, how do you describe that you knew one day that you felt like both a boy and a girl? It's hard, isn't it? I don't remember it that well. Can you? Do you think you remember a bit better? Well, I don't.

I'll tell you about myself, which is that I always knew that I was just a girl. And it's weird because, you know, people ask somebody who's trans or who's non-binary, well, how do you know that you're trans? That would be like somebody asking me, well, Shira, how do you know that you're a girl? It's something that you know deep down inside. Something that you choose and it's something that you know. So I understand the it's something that you know, but what do you mean it's something that you know. So I understand the it's something that you know, but what do you mean it's something that you choose? You don't choose your gender at birth, but that doesn't stop you from changing your gender eventually or changing genders if you're a blue girl. So do you think your parents made a mistake about what your gender was when you were born? Yeah, but that's normal.

Like, I couldn't express, and I didn't feel like a boy-girl yet. Okay. So I'm going to turn a quote-unquote boy because they saw a penis on the ultrasound. And so we just marched forward with this impression of what our life with a boy was going to be like. And clearly, it was nowhere near what I envisioned, not the least of which is also Halil being on the autism

spectrum, which has created another wave of difference in our family. We parents trick ourselves into thinking that we have everything figured out, that we know what our story is going to look like because of these very basic indicators. And I just think it's such a fallacy. So? So, Halil, I want you to read the title of this article, and I'm curious what you think. They is the word of the year. Miriam Webster says, nothing its singular... Noting its singular rise. So let me read you this first paragraph. Merriam-Webster announced the pronoun they as its word of the year,

marking the rise of the use of the venerable plural pronoun to refer to a single person whose gender identity is non-binary. So what do you think about that? Wow. Why wow? Maybe like next year, they will be in the dictionary. I think it is in the dictionary already. Already? It took a while before you started really saying, I want to be called they.

Yeah, about a month. And now we're all very, very clear about what the pronoun is for you. Grandma and Papa. Well, Grandma and Papa are working on it. I know, it's frustrating. It's okay. So, Halal, I think it's so automatic. We say he or she or they or it

almost every single sentence that we say something, so it's like we have a lot of practice using it in one way. Last night, I figured out how I would make it easier for my teachers and grandma and grandpa and stuff to understand. And I could just tell them, refer to me as a group of people. Say they are, or I know them.

Sometimes I have those monochrome days, but other days I have pastel, neon. I think I probably wear more pants, but I do love skirts. Dresses, oh, I love dresses. I wear those all the time. There was, I think, an internal squeamishness I had about having Halal wear dresses to school. And I realized it's just because it was different and something I wasn't used to. But they have taken such pride in who they are

and in telling people. People usually assume that I'm a girl. If it's someone that I'm probably not going to see very often, I just don't correct them. But usually I correct them. Remember when we were in the airport in Hawaii and I said, Halil, you're wearing a dress. I don't think you should be going into the men's room even though there's no line. Do you remember that? Well, I really had to go. So I was just nervous that somebody was going to tell you that you had to leave. But I thought like all those questions

become laws. So we know that you're protected in Massachusetts, but we have to do our research to understand what the protection is in other states. And that's, that's the part that's a little scary. You know, we want you to be protected. Some days I like, I made a schedule on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays. I go into the boys or men's bathroom and on Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday, I go into the women's bathroom. And on Sunday, I just go to whatever bathroom is to my right. Really? I don't think I knew the Sunday rule, but that's pretty amazing. I'm very worried about what Halal's future will look like. My kid affirmed who they are,

and I made the choice to either accept them or reject them, and I decided to accept them. But what's that going to look like when Halal is 11, 12, 13, adolescence? I hope it's going to be wonderful. I don't know, though. I don't really want to think about that stuff because now is now and I'll know when I live it. So is there anything else that you want to say as part of this conversation before I give you a kiss and you go to sleep?

No, how about you? I think what I want to say is I just love you exactly how you are. I loved you when you were born exactly how you were, and I love you now exactly how you are. You know you recorded that. I did record it, yeah. You're listening to Consider This from NPR. I'm Adi Cornish.