Consider This from NPR - Love In The Time Of COVID: How We Date Is Changing
Episode Date: February 12, 2022We're still learning how the coronavirus pandemic is affecting us emotionally and socially. Experts believe we will be seeing and analyzing its effects for years to come. But, thanks to popular online... platforms, we do have some data on single people, their dating preferences and how those preferences changed during the pandemic. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and chief science advisor for the online dating company Match, shares the latest trends from the 11th annual Singles In America study. Then, Logan Ury, Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge and author of the book How To Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love, lays out some tips and tricks for how to get better at dating. In participating regions, you'll also hear a local news segment to help you make sense of what's going on in your community.Email us at considerthis@npr.org.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy
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The fear of dating is real, and I never want to dismiss that.
As a dating coach for the online dating site OkCupid,
Damona Hoffman has heard more than her fair share of dating anxieties. Dating really is a learned skill. Logan Urie,
the director of relationship science for the app Hinge, thinks one reason for this is rooted in
history. What we now consider dating, two individuals who spend time together to decide
if they want to choose each other for love and not for power or economic advantage or to solidify an alliance didn't become common until
the 1890s. So this is actually a relatively new thing in the span of human history. Then you think
about the fact that dating apps have been here for about a decade, a little bit more. And so if
people listening find it hard, that's because it's very new. Our brains were not necessarily designed to make decisions this way.
Add to that a global pandemic where the only fail-safe way to stay healthy was to cut yourself off from others.
Damona Hoffman is hearing a new set of worries from her clients.
Not being practiced, not feeling like you're in your best skin and able to put your best foot forward right now
because we have been so isolated.
Tammy in San Diego, California, she's using her first name only for privacy reasons,
says she's been feeling this as she reenters the dating scene.
Her confidence is down and she's been noticing more awkward silences.
Pre-pandemic, when I was seeing people much more regularly,
I would be able to bring up another topic of conversation quickly.
But my mind isn't like firing on all cylinders.
Don't give up hope, Tammy.
Dating coach Damona Hoffman says you're not alone.
You have to remember that everybody else is in the same boat.
So once you get back out there and you start having conversations and feeling the butterflies again and making real connections, it will feel more familiar, but you just have to start.
Consider this. We're still learning how living with a global pandemic has affected us
emotionally and socially. Experts believe we'll be seeing and analyzing its effects for years to come.
But this Valentine's Day, thanks to online platforms designed to find your
perfect partner, we've got data now about how these pandemic years have affected single people
and dating. And some of the trends are not what you might expect. That's coming up. From NPR,
I'm Michelle Martin. It's Saturday, February 12th.
It's Consider This from NPR.
Through all the uncertainty of dating during a pandemic, one thing is clear.
Preferences about whom we date and how we date are changing.
For the last 11 years, the online dating company Match has conducted surveys of single people in the United States.
Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher leads these studies and said some of the data from 2021 jumped out. When we asked, you know, how important is sex to you, 85 percent
of singles said it had become less important to them, not more important to them. There was no
hot vac summer. And before you ask, men are less interested isolating at home apparently didn't leave most singles craving a hookup.
Single people are looking for more stability in relationships and putting emotional maturity
ahead of pure physical attraction.
And we have about 30 different things. You can check the boxes on this. And within the top five was always somebody who's physically attractive to me.
Now it's not any longer in the top five. The top five instead are somebody who I can trust and
confide in, somebody who communicates their needs and wants, somebody who's open-minded,
somebody who's emotionally mature, definitely, and somebody who makes me laugh.
Experts are finding that a lot of singles spent the pandemic reflecting on themselves and their
lives. And many say they have now decided to pursue more meaningful involvements. According
to the dating app Hinge, 75% of its users say they are ready to find a relationship.
And 88% of users would prefer to date someone who is actively practicing self-care.
You know, I'm calling it the Great Reset.
I mean, 66% of these singles are now caring for their mental health.
Over 50% are caring for their physical health.
They say that they are better at relaxing.
They're getting more sleep.
Get this, they're gaining in self-confidence.
And 55% of singles today say that they are now better at unplugging from social media.
Now, that surprised me.
Living with intention, it's an unexpected effect of living through a pandemic.
Coming up, one dating expert has advice for how
to date more effectively. As we just heard, more and more single people are taking the time to
reflect on themselves and what they want out of a partner. Unfortunately, when it comes to
relationships, people often act against their own best interests.
Nowhere are we more irrational than in matters of the heart.
That's Logan Urie. She's the director of relationship science for the dating app Hinge and the author of the book How to Not Die Alone, the surprising science that will help you find love.
And before you bristle at the title, let her explain. Sometimes people get a little offended by my title, How to Not Die Alone,
and they feel like I'm saying no one should be allowed to be single.
But if I wrote a book called How to Cook Delicious French Food,
it's not that I'm saying everyone has to cook French food.
It's saying if you'd like to learn how to cook French food, then this is a good book for you.
Let's say this again.
There's nothing wrong with choosing to be single.
Yuri knows many people are happily living without a partner or would rather stay single or divorced than be in an unsatisfying marriage.
But she says her book is for a different audience.
My work is really for people who are saying, I'm putting the effort in. I'm not seeing the results I want. What should I do?
But there can be resistance to her approach. Yuri says for those who may
have absorbed the idea that finding the one is all about moonlight and magic,
well, talking about dating scientifically isn't very appealing. So many people say to me,
love is organic. Love is chemistry. How can you turn this into a science? But look,
love is natural, but dating isn't. Love is not something that you need to be taught, but many people do need to be taught how to date. And what I want to do in this book is explain to people, here are tips and tricks that will make you better at dating, that will help you get out of your own way, and will help you get into that elusive relationship that so far has passed you by. Logan Urey's work combines two fields of study, behavioral science, the study
of how we make decisions, and relationship science, the study of how love works. So my philosophy is
that getting into a great relationship requires a bunch of small decisions along the way. Who am I?
Am I ready to date? Who should I date? Should we go out again? Should we move in together? Should
we commit? Should we get married? And so I help people understand the decision-making biases that hold them back from making good
choices and also what matters and what doesn't in long-term relationship success.
In her book, Yuri lays out how to be better at dating in a very straightforward and digestible
way.
Advice like F the spark.
We can say forget.
Forget.
Forget the spark. Okay, that's a good one.
So I was going to ask, what are a couple of things that you see in terms of what people get wrong
about dating? And one of the big points you make in your book is that people rely too heavily on
this idea of the spark. Talk a little bit more about that, if you would. Yes, absolutely. So
one of the first big mistakes that I see people make is they come to me with a checklist and they
say, Logan, I know exactly who I'm looking for.
I just need your help finding him.
I just haven't met him yet.
And then actually when I dig into their past, I see they've been dating the same type of person over and over again.
And that type of person actually brings out an anxious side of them, an insecure side of them, a side of them that doesn't feel comfortable, and that they need to tear up that
checklist and actually have a reset around what matters and what doesn't. And so for example,
I had this male client who was a really tall guy, a CEO, very good looking, and he said,
I just want to find a guy just like me. That's what I'm looking for. And he went on a date with
someone and he said, you know, the guy was cute and we
had a good conversation, but I'm never going to see him again. I said, why is that? He said,
I just didn't feel the spark. And so the spark has become my nemesis because I feel like it's
really holding people back from what matters in relationships. And people are so focused on
instant chemistry, instant fireworks. I'll know it when I see it. And people are so focused on instant chemistry,
instant fireworks, I'll know it when I see it,
and that's just not true.
And so I've identified three myths of the spark.
The first one is that the spark can't grow over time,
and that's not true.
Many times, the more you spend time with someone,
the more you like them.
It's called the mere exposure effect,
and that's why people end up marrying someone from their apartment building or from work.
And so the spark can grow over time.
The second myth is that if you have the spark, it must be a good thing.
That's also not true.
Some people are just very sparky.
They give that feeling to everyone.
They're attractive.
They're charismatic.
They might even be narcissistic.
And so just because you feel the spark with them doesn't mean anything because they might give the
spark to many people. And the third myth is that if you have the spark, then the relationship is
viable. And that's also not true. Many unhappy couples or divorced couples once felt the spark,
and it's enough to get you through the early stages, but it doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship is built to last.
But almost in direct contrast to that, you hear all these stories about people treating dating
like a job interview. What's that about? What I have found is that we live in a society that's
very dominated by work culture. And so many people feel comfortable at work. They know how to interview someone.
They know how to give feedback. They know how to do what they do at work. And so then they take
this area of their life that they're not that comfortable in, dating, and they apply what they
do at work. And that's a problem because while dating requires effort and work, when you show
up the way you show up at work, that does not lead to
connection. And those are the people there who ask, where do you see yourself in five years?
And then after the date, they wonder, why didn't I feel a spark? Well, you showed up as if you were
interviewing somebody for an HR position. No wonder you didn't feel a sexual connection.
But okay, so let's talk about what would be better. One is really understanding
that a first date is about connection. Can I talk to this person? Do I enjoy being around them?
What side of me do they bring out? And I have this list of questions called the post-date eight
that you ask yourselves after a date to actually tune in to the most important stuff. So instead
of asking how tall was he? Or did she
go to graduate school? It says things like, did this person make me laugh? Do I feel curious about
them? What side of me did they bring out? And so actually focusing on the right things during the
date helps you avoid those interview questions and instead go for what is ideally part of a date,
which is play. So what are the things
you can do to create an environment that's going to have a great date? So for example, not meeting
up in the morning when maybe people aren't feeling as romantic or flirty, not meeting up in a coffee
shop, which tends to feel like a job interview. So you can, from the beginning, design a date
that's more likely to have play in it,
whether it's meeting up in the park and playing bananagrams or doing an activity together,
like playing ping pong that gets you out of your head. That's part one. Another thing is the energy
that you bring into the beginning of the date. And so I don't say this perfectly, but there's
this Latin phrase in media res, which is in literature when the play or the
book starts in the middle of things. And so I advise my clients walk into a date and say,
the craziest thing happened on the way over here. You know, I was crossing the street and blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah. And already you're starting the date as if you're friends having
a conversation versus starting at the beginning and saying,
okay, well, when did you move to New York? And how long have you been in accounting? And so really,
what are the things that you can do to create that sense of interaction? And then finally, if the person does ask those interview questions, you could put a smile on your face and say,
we'll get to all of that later. But what I really want to understand is
who you are, not what you do. Before you let you go, Valentine's Day, what are your thoughts about
it? I mean, some people, you know, Valentine's Day brings up a lot for people. So any thoughts
about it? Yes, it's funny. I would say in my line of work, Valentine's Day is like the Super Bowl.
I feel like I'm busier than ever right now.
So it's funny that, you know, the Super Bowl is just around now.
But really, in my personal life, I don't take Valentine's Day too seriously.
And it's not something that I put pressure on.
But I understand that if you're single, it can bring up a lot of uncomfortable emotions
around a society that really prizes partnership and stigmatizes
being single. So I hear that. In terms of people who are in new relationships, it can bring a lot
of pressure. What are this person's expectations of me? I don't want to disappoint them. But my
general thought is we should all be thinking about dating and relationships way more often
because being in relationships and happy ones has great
impacts on people's health, happiness, and overall life satisfaction. And so I think as a society,
we should be talking about it more, investing in our skills more, supporting each other more,
and not just doing that one day a year. That was Logan Urie, Director of Relationship
Science at Hinge and the author of How to Not Die Alone, the surprising science that will help you find love.
It's Consider This from NPR. I'm Michelle Martin.