Consider This from NPR - They Say You Can't Choose Your Family, But Some Do

Episode Date: December 28, 2022

You've heard the saying, 'Blood is thicker than water,' right? Yet for many people, family is not just about blood or DNA — it's about deep connections .For those people, chosen family could be close friends, people who share similar identities, people who went through similar experiences, or something else that forms a bond.We hear stories from people about their chosen families.We also speak with marriage and family therapist and sexologist Dr. Lexx Brown-James, about why chosen families are vital in people's lives.In participating regions, you'll also hear a local news segment to help you make sense of what's going on in your community.Email us at [e-mail] more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

This message comes from Indiana University. Indiana University performs breakthrough research every year, making discoveries that improve human health, combat climate change, and move society forward. More at iu.edu slash forward. Siriana Arthi is a 30-year-old originally from South India now living in Philadelphia. She was adopted into an all-white family. Growing up, I experienced not only a ton of white saviorism, but a ton of like braminical saviorism from the upper caste South Asian community where I grew up. Siriana had a very rigid concept of family. I had this view of family as I should be like not only completely loyal to

the family that raised me, but that was it. That was family. She says that view started to evolve when her adoptive parents didn't believe her when she said she'd been abused by a family member. She reached her breaking point right before going off to college. That's when she turned to her older sister. She was like, all right, move in with me. And so I like left my house and moved in with her. And then three months later, I started college. And that really started the path that I eventually found myself in now. Siriana isn't related to her older sister biologically, nor were they in the same adoptive family. She's her chosen sister. And over the

years, Siriana's chosen family has grown bigger. She became friends with two girls who lived in the house next to her growing up. The two of them and their parents and their partners, they all had a conversation without me where they all sat down and they were basically like, all right, Siriana is our family. So when we refer to her,

we want to refer to her as like our sister. This chosen family for Siriana doesn't feel chosen to her. They just are her family. I feel so confident in just being like, this is my family. These are my sisters. This is my older sister. Like, just being really confident in naming that and owning that chosen family identity without having to put that label of chosen family. Consider This.

How you define a family doesn't have to begin and end with DNA. From NPR, I'm Ari Shapiro. It's Wednesday, December 28th. It's Consider This from NPR, I'm Ari Shapiro. It's Wednesday, December 28th. It's Consider This from NPR. Someone who has adopted many people into her chosen family is drag queen Juanita Moore of San Francisco. She is a mentor to those she's adopted as her drag children. Juanita remembers when one of them, Dulce de Leche, sought her out. And they came up to me one night and said, I really have something really important to ask you, and I'm really nervous about it. And I said,

go ahead, tell me. And they said, I really want you to be my drag mom. I looked at them and smiled, and I said, let's talk about this in one week. I go, I need one week to think about it. She ended up saying yes, and she says she's so glad that she did. But she had to think about it because she takes the role of drag mom seriously. In the 30 years that I've been doing drag, I have become mom to so many people. To this day, when I'm out in the community, someone every single time they sees me says, hi, mom, how are you? I love hearing it. And I don't take it lightly. And the reason that I don't is because I really respect the drag lineage of being a drag mom. Juanita has met the biological families of some of those in her community. She

recalls cooking dinner for a friend and his birth mom on Mother's Day. At the end of the meal, she said to me, I want to thank you so much for taking my son into your life. I see what a beautiful person you are. It was so hard for me to let him go from home to go to college, away from where we lived. And I now know that he's in good hands. When I think of chosen family, I think about a lack of obligation. And I think about how it is a choice. Every time we hang out, it's chosen. Every time we hang out, it's out of love.

Kaisa Lightfoot is 32 and lives in Washington. There's an event that reminds her why it's crucial to have a chosen family. One year, she made a birthday cake for a friend. That was her first birthday cake she'd ever had. That was her first birthday that she had ever been celebrated in her life. And she was super quiet. She told me a couple of years later that that was just such a profound thing. She had never been celebrated.

She had never had a cake made for her. Because she mattered. Kaisa and her wife have an expansive chosen family made up of former foster children, friends from across the country, and an Afghan family they helped resettle. She says many in their group are also queer. There can be such a pit or a hole created by the lack of acceptance from the people who are supposed to accept you. And why not be that for other people? Why not find that for yourself when you can? 45-year-old single mom

Jodi from Alabama feels similarly. She asked that we only use her first name because she wants to protect the privacy of her three minor children who are LGBTQ. Jodi has a tight-knit group of friends who've been there for her for simple things like helping her pick her kids up from school when she couldn't. They really, really came together and they supported me in a way that I'm not sure I was aware that you could really get from other people because I've had such questionable amounts of support from my own family. And they've been there for tougher things, like coming together to stand up for her children who were being bullied at school. Those people showed up with me to talk to the principal

and, you know, and to support me and my child. It's incredible how friends can really pass that line and become family. The definition of family right now is people who see me for who I am and accept me the way that I am and love me and celebrate me the way that I am. Dunite is 28 years old and lives in Atlanta. They don't want to use their last name because they aren't out to their family. So chosen family for Dunite has been vital. Constructing those relationships and friendships and working really hard on them has saved my life. And I don't say that lightly. Like a part of my family, one half of my family is going

through actual genocide and war and famine in Ethiopia right now in Tigray. And I could not have survived the really horrible moments without my friends. Dunite says their chosen family has helped them expand into the person they are today. I've never been in a familial setting like that where I was allowed to be just myself and I wasn't putting on a mask. It was almost uncomfortable to be able to relax in that way, but it was also very emotional because my friend and their mom were very affirming to me. I really felt protected and loved

in the way that someone's child should be. Chosen family are really people who you bring in for intimate relationships, especially when you're devoid of those close family relationships. Chosen families often come up in the practice of Dr. Lex Brown-James. She's a marriage and family therapist and sexologist based in St. Louis. And I asked her if chosen family is a luxury or a necessity. Oh, I think it's a necessity, especially I will say as a licensed marriage and family therapist, I think family systems are just a necessity. But especially for our queer folks, my queer siblings, and also especially for our youth.

You have to remember like queer youth, I think up to almost 30% of them report being unhoused or underhoused and being put out by their families throughout their lifetime. And so creating chosen family and finding people who love them regardless of anything and who accept them and celebrate them are actually keys into surviving. We're coming off the holidays when so many people spend time with biological families. Is that a time of year when the idea of chosen family takes on a particular special significance? Absolutely. So coming off the holidays, a lot of times, sometimes people might even come out during the holidays. They might decide not to be closeted anymore because they find that they've found their voice in that way and they want to share and they might find themselves cut off from family. Or we've started to see a movement where people are literally cutting off family that has been

toxic or harmful to them and their mental health and their own well-being. And so chosen family gives people a soft place to land, a place where they know they're going to be accepted, a place where they know they can still carry on their own family traditions and be in a place that's loving and caring and celebratory instead of somewhere that's actually harmful. For you as a therapist, a marriage and family therapist specifically, how does the idea of chosen family come up with clients? So oftentimes I'm encouraging people to find their chosen family. I have to give people

permission not to stick with family that's been harmful to them or abusive to them. And I'll say, you all can get a group of friends together. You can stay at this person's house. They are your family. Just because you don't share DNA markers does not mean that you cannot love them, confide in them, depend on them, and have that reciprocity take place either. Family structures have evolved over time in the U.S., throughout generations. How do you think the role of a chosen family is fitting into the way we think about family structures generally? I think more and more we're moving to chosen families because we're starting to see that there is true value in community. So instead of being an

individualistic culture, so everybody kind of out for themselves that they only have their nuclear family, I think specifically with COVID and coming through multiple pandemics and multiple losses and radicalizations of beliefs, we're starting to find that community is really how people are learning to survive. Is chosen family only for people who have problems with their birth family, or is this an option for anyone? Absolutely not. So we have to remember there's grief and loss all over the world. There's sometimes you just don't mesh well with your family. So I think chosen family is an

option for everyone. And I think it's really specifically a lovely option for those who feel themselves ostracized or cast aside. So how would you define what it means to be part of a family? My goodness, to be part of a family, I think is to have a sense of belonging, even with accountability. So it is, I love you, I care for you. I might not agree with everything that you do, and I'll let you know that in a safe way. And I am going to support you 100%. And whatever that support looks like, you can tell me, and then I'm always going to be there. That's interesting. So it is not just an unequivocal, arms wide open, yes and. There are nuances to it.

Absolutely. Never that. Nobody is ever 100% correct, ever. And sometimes you need that because we don't always listen to people we might deem as haters or criticizers. So sometimes it's like, I know this person loves me. I know this person wants the best for me. Maybe I need to bring it in a little bit.

Okay, I can hear that. I might not agree, but I can hear it. And so we need those checks and balances in life. And who better to do it than people that you've chosen to love? That was marriage and family therapist and sexologist Dr. Lex Brown-James. By the way, we want to share one more thought from one of the people we spoke to for this episode. 26-year-old Tatiana Durbin of Ohio has this advice for people who are trying to find their chosen family. Especially for the youth

who feel so disconnected from others, to not be afraid to reach out and to look for the people around them who are walking with them and in the same direction. And if they can't find the love and the respect that they're looking for with their biological family, to take the risk on forming a family for themselves. Because it's so beautiful. And it's so uplifting. If I had to describe family in one word, I guess I would say... Fluid. Involved. Belonging.

Support. Warmth. Yeah. Love. Love. It's love. You heard reporting in this episode from producers Brianna Scott and Malika Sheshadri. It's Consider This from NPR. I'm Ari Shapiro.

This message comes from Indiana University. Indiana University is committed to moving the world forward, working to tackle some of society's biggest challenges. IU makes bold investments in the future of bioscience and cybersecurity, cultivates visionary work in the arts and humanities, and prepares students to become global citizens by teaching more languages than any other university in the country. Indiana University. Nine campuses, one purpose. Creating tomorrow, today. More at iu.edu.