Consider This from NPR - Your Questions Answered: How To Navigate Changing Relationships In The Pandemic

Episode Date: December 14, 2020

The U.S. officially began vaccinating people against COVID-19 on Monday, starting with Sandra Lindsay, a critical care nurse in New York City. The first vaccination came the same day that the country hit another grim milestone of 300,000 dead from the disease.Though vaccinations have begun, the pandemic is still raging and affecting people in all kinds of ways, including their relationships with partners, family and friends.We asked you to share your questions with us on how to navigate those changing relationships. To help answer those questions, we're joined by Dr. Lexx Brown-James, a marriage and family therapist and sexologist based in St. Louis, and NPR's Cory Turner, who covers parenting and education.To hear more about how parents can help their kids feel less anxious right now, check out this episode of NPR's Life Kit podcast. Listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.In participating regions, you'll also hear a local news segment that will help you make sense of what's going on in your community.Email us at [e-mail] more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

It finally happened. I'm ready. Let's do this. On Monday morning, ICU nurse Sandra Lindsay became the first person in the U.S. to get a coronavirus vaccine. Sandra, you didn't flinch. I take it that Dr. Chester has a good touch. She has a good touch and it didn't feel any different from taking any other vaccine. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo called into the event,

which took place at Long Island Jewish Medical Center in Queens. That's where Lindsay works. I hope this marks the beginning to the end of a very painful time in our history. Today's just, it's such a historic day as we, as we hopefully see the light at the end of the tunnel of this horrible pandemic. Speaking to NBC's Today Show, Secretary of Health and Human Services Alex Azar said the U.S. should be able to vaccinate 20 million people, most of them frontline health care workers, by the end of the year, and a total of 50 million by the end of January. When is it going to be like the flu shot, where you could go into your pharmacy and get the shot anytime you want it? How soon is that moment going to happen, do you think? Summer? Late fall?

No, no. I think we could be seeing that by late February going into March. Consider this. Even as the U.S. death toll passes 300,000, there is light at the end of the tunnel. But we're not through it yet, and this time is affecting us in all kinds of ways, including in our relationships with partners, friends, and family. Coming up, we'll go over your questions about how to navigate those changing relationships. From NPR, I'm Adi Cornish. It's Monday, December 14th. This message comes from WISE, the app for doing things in other currencies. Send, spend, or receive money internationally and always get the real-time mid-market exchange rate with no hidden fees. Download the WISE app today or visit WISE.com. T's and C's apply.

Today, some people argue that the Supreme Court has more power than all other branches of government. But when and how did the Supreme Court end up getting the final say? How the court became more powerful than anything the framers could have imagined. Listen now to the ThruLine podcast from NPR. It's Consider This from NPR. And a quick warning, later in the podcast, we'll briefly discuss suicide. Now, at the beginning of the year, Anne Swan was just settling into her empty nester life in Bar Harbor, Maine. I work in a local high school doing tech. So Swan would spend her day

with teenagers and then come home to a peaceful and empty four-bedroom home until the pandemic hit. Since the pandemic, you know, I've had one after another child, adult children. One is 28, another's 26, and the third one is 21, slowly migrate home to live with me. Her nest is no longer empty. Swan says now it's like she's the parent of teenagers again. When I talk to other parents who are in the same boat, we all realize this, that as they are scrambling for autonomy, they're stuck back in their childhood bedrooms trying to grab that autonomy. But it's hard. It's hard to make the jump. And of course,

a full house means alone time is hard to come by. You know, maybe I can go exercise in my room and put on headphones and that's my time. Or I go walk the dogs or somebody else walks the dogs. It is hard. And I think I've been waiting for alone time for 28 years. It's not here yet. The isolation of the pandemic has a way of highlighting the strengths and weaknesses of our close relationships. When you can't escape to brunch or a soccer practice or anywhere, really, you have to face one another and your issues head on for better or worse. We reached out for your stories and questions about managing relationships right now and to provide some answers and some sympathy.

I'm joined by Dr. Lex Brown-James. She's a marriage and family therapist and sexologist based in St. Louis. Thank you for being here. Thank you so much for having me. And NPR correspondent Corey Turner. He's also here to help. He covers parenting and education, among other things. Welcome, Corey. Thanks for having me, Audie. So let's start with Anne Swan. That's the empty nester whose nest is now full again with her adult children.

It's hard to meet them where they are at in their own development as adults when they come home and revert to maybe the way they were when they were 16. And it's hard for me wanting to also make the jump into empty nester life and not parent them the way I would a teenager. So we've all heard this kind of idea before, right? You go back home for Thanksgiving or something and everyone reverts to their roles in the family dynamic. But I don't know, Corey, if you want to start, what's your advice for Anne Swan here? Yeah, well, so I want to be a good listener here and just tell Anne that I hear you and I feel your pain. That said, I've also been working on a special project looking into the mental health impact

of the pandemic on not only kids, but teenagers, folks 18 to 24. And it's been bad. So it wasn't that long ago, I believe it was in August when CDC surveyed 18 to 24 year olds, and one in four said in the last 30 days, they'd thought about killing themselves. 75% of 18 to 24 year olds during this pandemic said they were struggling with at least one mental health problem. And if you think about where they are in their development, and remember, they're still developing too, you know, they may or may not be stuck in college. They may not have found a job, or if they did, maybe they lost it. Having to come home or choosing to come home or whatever the combination is, and sort of revert back to where you were a while ago has got to be really difficult.

Dr. Lex Brown-James, can you talk about this? How does she even approach this conversation? I'm right on with Corey there. And the word that comes up is jarring, right? 21 up to 28 means those people were starting to explore their own social locations in life. They were starting to hash out their identity of who they were away from home. And they're not exactly going to get that either. And you're trying to figure out your identity as maybe not so much of an attached parent right now. So boundaries are where that comes into place. You still get your time alone, where people aren't talking to you, where people aren't asking you for things. And yes, that's always your baby.

They're always your babies. And they're young adults. You don't have to take on that parentified or even dictator level role anymore, because you're trusting them in their adulthood growth path. Our next question is from Sarah Davies in Texas. She's 33. Before you ask, yes, she's on the dating apps. And she says that she's trying to set up face-to-face dates and that it can feel really difficult, like that she's struggling to find ways to date safely. Here's her question. I'm trying to like recreate the sense of connection that one would have online that you can get face to face. And I'm having a bit of a problem trying to make that happen. Lex, do you hear much of this? I do see people who are longing for that connection,

especially as our skin hunger rises, so that desire to be touched and to give touch. And as we're trying to recreate, I think those boundaries are going to be touched and to give touch. And as we're trying to recreate, I think those boundaries are going to be super important here. So if you're looking at a socially distanced state, how about we both get COVID tested, we get our results back, and then we can do a meetup. And so offering those safety precautions that you are doing and then helping to build a little bit more assurity.

And then I do want to say, maybe not feasting so much with our eyes and in person, but trying to build up some sensuality and intimacy. So listening a bit more, figuring out what your likes are. Why don't we listen to an album together of an artist we'd like and talk about the discourse and the songs. Let's take it away from having to be presentable on a camera. And let's cook together. Let's talk about foods together. Let's send each other something that we might like in the mail. What does that look like? And so building connection and intimacy through that

level of vulnerability, rather than feasting with eyes. Feasting with eyes. Very nice. All right, we have another question. And this time it's from Derek Weber in Connecticut. He's 39. He wants his young kids to spend quality time with his parents, so their grandparents. But they don't take COVID precautions seriously. My parents don't really appreciate masks. And I do. I am an x-ray technologist. I work in a hospital myself, and I can see how important they are. Navigating this relationship over the last several months has been very difficult. What kind of suggestions you got? Thank you. All right, Corey, your suggestions for Derek. I know this is earlier in the pandemic, people did

talk about a kind of generational difference in the thinking about how much precautions needed to be taken. I have the right to lay down some ground rules. And then if that just doesn't seem to work, then I would really encourage parents to get creative and find ways for their kids to connect with grandparents and other relatives, frankly, in really meaningful ways remotely. You know, so not just set up the old Zoom chat or FaceTime or whatever it is. I've been telling folks, like, pick an activity and not just a game.

You know, so I often FaceTime with my parents on Saturday morning when I always make my boys pancakes. I set the phone on the counter while I'm making them and my boys will pop into the room. They will pop out. They will give love and hugs. They might share a story. It feels more like you're a part of our lives than it feels like, hey, we've carved out this moment of superficiality for us to share in and feel a tad awkward for 20 minutes until we hang up, you know. And lastly, we have a question about that light at the end of this tunnel. A lot of us are wondering if we'll even know how to

interact with each other after all of this. Ellen Walsh in North Carolina has this question. She's 61 and she lives alone. I'm comfortable being isolated, so to speak. And my concern about myself and maybe other people that are single, live alone, is that are we ever going to get to a point where contact or less of a social distance is going to be a norm? And how are we going to handle that? So Dr. Lex Brown-James, I understand this is actually not an unusual question. Right. There's a lot of worry on how, if ever, things are ever going to go back to normal because our world has been shaken. And I think people will still be cautious. I think after everybody maybe gets vaccinated and

there's no more trace of the virus anymore in the world, people will still be like, I'm wearing a mask. Don't touch me. I'm wearing gloves. We're not doing this because this has now been imprinted into our DNA, right? We know that trauma changes DNA. So I do think it'll be a step-by-step. Corey, I'm wondering if you're hearing this from parents as well. I see a lot of trend stories talking about people who are nervous about play dates, nervous about having their kids interact with other kids.

Is this something you're hearing on the beat? So it's not just, I think, anxiety among parents who are anxious about navigating a return to something that resembles normalcy. It's also something you hear from kids. Keep in mind that kids, especially younger kids, kindergarten, first grade, second grade, they haven't even developed their full toolbox of social skills. So they've been living at home without exposure to a lot of other kids, without getting that really important social emotional learning. So imagine how much harder that's going to be for a five, six, seven year old than it should be for someone my age. And I'm nervous about it. Life has in some ways just been easier in these more controlled

environments. And now we have to find a way, or not now, but in a few months, we have to find a way to transition back into the less controllable chaos of it all. That was NPR correspondent Corey Turner. You can hear him on a recent episode of NPR's Life Kit. That's all about how parents can help their kids feel less anxious right now. You can find that in our show notes. And Dr. Lex Brown-James. She's a therapist and sexologist based in St. Louis. You can find her website in our show notes as well. And the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.

You're listening to Consider This from NPR. I'm Audie Cornish.