Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 12 monthly check ups

Episode Date: March 11, 2020

Today in episode 12 of Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew, we walk you through what we do each month with each other - check ups. We think it's really important for a relationship to constantly be checking up and providing a safe space for each other to speak about what they did well that month, and what you think they could work on. We even give you an example of what one of our monthly check ups looks like. Now before you go shooting down this idea, we challenge you guys to just give it a try for one month. See if it has an affect on your relationship. We'd love to hear what you guys think of it.  If you haven't yet, please rate and subscribe to the show to hear more! And if you have suggestions/recommendations for the show, send us your ideas in a video format - we might just choose yours! Email us at [e-mail].  We are supported by the following AMAZING companies! Make sure to check them out using our special code & link below!  Abide! Get started now with 25% off a premium subscription by downloading the Abide app at https://www.Abide.co/eastfam  ThirdLove! Go https://www.THIRDLOVE.com/COUPLE for 15% off today!  Flamingo! Get the full set for just $16 with FREE shipping today when you visit https://www.shopflamingo.com/eastfam. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, my gosh. He literally just went poof. Are you serious? I think I'm ready. Lexi, you heard it here first. He just said he's ready to cut his hair. What's up, everybody? Welcome back to Couple Things with Sean and Andrew.

A podcast all about couples and the things. they go through. Today we're going to let you in on something that Sean and I do. It's super special and it's been a while since we've done it actually. Yeah, we actually did it the other night. And it was the most aggressive one that we've done. What are we talking about? We're talking about monthly checkups, okay? But before we get started, please, if you have not yet, subscribe and rate the show on whatever platform you're listening to. And if you have feedback or show suggestions, go ahead and email a couple things. things pod that's p o d at gmail.com we love reading through your suggestions uh the good and the bad

because we get them both so without further ado you said it was our most aggressive session this week we should i'm not trying to i'm not trying to have a double entendre i'm just repeating what you said so sean and i have this tradition that we've been doing essentially since we were dating yeah really our first one was on the tennis court when I said, Yeah. My purpose is not to make you happy. And then our next one was in the locker room and then. We still have not clarified what we're talking about.

Our next one was, you know, on the floor. But we call what we're talking about monthly checkups. And we view these monthly checkups as a safe space where we can give each other feedback in a non-critical, non-emotional way. Yes. I first want to tell people, how monthly checkups came to be. Let's do it.

Okay, so I'm dating Andrew. It's our first year. Things are getting a little, you know, serious. Hot and heavy. Yeah, I think we've said I love you. I think like, you know, we're talking about future plans. This is within the first year. And I started noticing this trend.

Every once in a while, I would get a call or a text from Andrew. And he'd be like, do you want to meet for coffee? And I was like, sure. Where do you want to go? And he would respond. He would respond with all these different coffee shops. But whenever he responded with frothy monkey question mark, I was like, oh, crap. What did I do now?

Because he didn't even notice it. But he would always go to frothy monkey to have hard conversations. Just to kind of talk about, I mean, we had talked about, you know, where it really, do you want where our relationship was going religion um like really hard conversations were always had a frothy monkey kind of like the dTR conversations you know dTR defining the relationship combos have you don't have not i have heard of did we have that conversation that's kind of what our frothy monkey conversations were not intentionally but we just had a dTR conversation every time we went and had coffee pretty much let's redefine this relationship okay so our intention

when we were dating and still now is trying to figure out well this is more for dating no I was going to say I shouldn't have I shouldn't have batch marriage in this but when we were dating the whole purpose from my point of view was is this a girl I could marry so you had I wanted to make sure that constantly ask yourself that no there's just certain things that you think of like oh yeah is she going to be cool if I play in the NFL and and then ultimately get cut nine times are you going to be cool with that baby i love you i love you too but you know what i'm saying like there's certain situations that arise and you're like okay well i we should we should have a conversation about this and reestablish where we're going after that so anyways it was like our fifth time to

frothy monkey over the course of a year and i called him out on it i was like what did i do now literally as we sat down it's like what do we do now he's like what are you talking about i was like we only come to frothy monkey when you have something serious to talk about or to point out or something that we should work on. Yeah. And I think it was right then and there. We're like, actually, this is kind of cool. Let's make this a tradition.

So we do monthly checkups. Once a month, we will go for coffee. It's not, I have PTSD towards frothy monkeys. So we have yet to go back. But we go get coffee. We sit down in a safe space and we're like, okay, give it to me. Lay it on me. What did I do great this month?

What did, what do I need to work on? Yeah. So let me tell you why I think this is important. I truly believe that marriage is the single best self-improvement tool that exists. And the reason why is because you are, you wake up every day next to your spouse and you're confronted with the same situation of, you know what, there's 15 chores that need to be done and I didn't do, I didn't close the cabinet door or whatever your pet peeve is of mine. and am I going to change today or am I going to stay in my normal routine and normal habits?

Wendy's most important deal of the day has a fresh lineup. Pick any two breakfast items for $4. New four-piece French toast sticks, bacon or sausage wrap, biscuit or English muffin sandwiches, small hot coffee, and more. Limited time only at participating Wendy's taxes extra. So it forces you to change and it forces you to self-evaluate. But then you also have this amazing resource of someone who's with you. you more than any other human who has a different perspective on who you are. And I think

in some ways knows you better than you know yourself because they're viewing you from the outside in. And, you know, it's, it's hard to like really evaluate everything I'm doing because I'm the one doing it. So we love monthly checkups because it's a time where we can set aside and give each other this feedback so that I can make Sean more and more into the woman that she's made to be and vice versa. And vice versa. Well, and I will say too, monthly checkups definitely go in seasons and phases because there were a few times and like stretches there in the past, you know, seven years we've been together where we'd be like, do you have any monthly checkups for me?

And we are both kind of like, no, you're killing it. Yeah. It has not been the case lately. But I will say monthly checkups have been very, very. important for us ever since we had Drew just because with big changes in relationships, big seasons, so it's whether it's like engagement or marriage or your first kid or first dog or moving, things change. The dynamic of your relationship changes, how you view yourself, how you view your spouse, your surroundings, everything changes. So you can't expect the way

your relationship was to continue to be the same and so monthly checkups for us the past four months have been kind of brutal they usually get a little heated they have been we try not to so let's let's let's now that we've explained what the monthly checkups are and why we think they're important let's talk about how we do them so what are the ground rules okay so ground rules we always try and I think we're pretty good at it. We do it around 90% of the time. We never do checkups in our house. So we try to leave our house just because it makes it an event.

It takes away like the emotion and association you have to like negative things within your home. So does that make sense? Well, I think yes, to your point, it breaks the pattern of like if you, if me and you are are like going through a slump where we're just not stoked on other us going out and leaving the past few months yes but us leaving the house breaks the pattern of what's been normal and i i also think there's something to like just when you're in a a different space do you remember when you were dating in high school and like you would just be completely locked in on a conversation just because the ambiance is like absolutely that's the environment that sean and i try to try to get to we just don't find

So like, yeah, it's easy to keep the TV on or whatever, be distracted at home like you're saying. So we do try to do it outside the house. Yes. And then we also try with monthly checkups to kind of like ask each other or put it on the calendar and say, okay, are you good for a monthly checkup date tomorrow at 10 a.m. for coffee. And we try to always get on the same schedule for that because we want to be in the right mindset for monthly checkup. You don't want to go into a monthly checkup when you're bitter or you're tired or you're hangary or anything. You have to be prepared because monthly checkups need to be a time when there's not a lot of emotion involved, no resentment, no, like, past arguments. You have to sit down and be like, okay, this is a safe space, this is open.

You know, you can not critique, but, you know, give me. constructive criticism. And I have to be willing to receive it. So it's easy. We try to schedule it because it's tempting sometimes when our emotions are inflamed to be like, okay, let's start a monthly checkup right now. Sean, you've been freaking, you know what I'm saying? So we try to schedule out just so the like the emotional aspect of it is reduced and I can actually give you thoughtful feedback. Yeah. Because I truly think that giving giving feedback, as your husband is like my most serious responsibility as a human because again I'm responsible to a certain degree for who you're growing into you know what I'm saying and if I'm giving you

feedback that's just not true or it's off base or it's out of selfish motives then I'm not I'm not doing that job well and same for me as your wife we all are significant others in general You have to be very, very cautious when it comes to feedback or criticism because the criticism you give your significant other will never leave them. No criticism sticks like that coming from your significant other. And so if you go into a monthly checkup and you're resentful or you try to jump into a monthly checkup in the middle of an argument and be like, you know what?

Well, you've been doing this. that sticks and that builds over time. So if you don't have that foundation of trust and kind of environment for it to be truly coming from a good place, it can hurt your significant other. You know what I'm super thankful for? What? I'll just reiterate this. Me?

You, yes. Thanks. But because I know in my core that you care for me. And so like, yes, sometimes you want me to take out the trash because you don't want to. but when you give me feedback on like hey Andrew you need to do a better job at being punctual and showing up to events on time you're saying that not because of anything selfish but because you care about me and that's that's cool I'm thankful for that that we have that trust and that's never been broken which is cool I think yeah we're fortunate you know very I will add with monthly

checkups something that you have to also be aware of is I feel like there's been a couple of times that we've had monthly checkups where you can easily get defensive because it's like, well, you know, I actually did do this or I actually did wash the dishes like you asked. But again, within that space, you have to hear the other person because we've had these conversations a few times where you'll say to me, I don't know,

I want you to read more There you go Too soon And And I'll get defensive Be like what are you talking about I read every day I read articles

Which is this is an argument We had not till I go And he'll be like Well it's something that I've been requesting For no checkups for a while And you have to be able to Like remove yourself And say you know what

This is obviously something My Significant Other cares about Is it truly worth fighting over? I think when people talk about relationships requiring a lot of work, this in some ways is what they're talking about because it, like, me giving you fair and honest feedback and separating that from selfish feedback or like, I want you to read because I love to read and I know how much value I get out of it, but I have to work to understand that not everybody's like that. and it's frustrating for me like I'm sitting when we're sitting on the couch and you're reading an article on your phone and I'm reading like a paperback book in some ways I feel superior because I'm like oh well you know I'm I'm academic and I'm learning but that's dumb of me you know what I'm saying yes um I also what the feedback thing is important to I want to emphasize this because it's very sensitive and this is where people get hurt yes in a marriage and dating especially we've said this already it is it is the most tender feedback that that you give or receive because you're both like more vulnerable with each other than probably you are with anybody else which leaves you open to being hurt more than anyone else can hurt

you so that's why like that's why Sean and I are so particular and we try to be strategic with this. It's been cool to see how this concept has been confirmed by like marriage counselors and like relationship experts, I guess. They're like, it's really important, like whether it's on a quarterly basis, monthly basis, or however frequently to have these safe spaces where you can kind of, it's almost like a healthy way of venting, you know? Well, and I think we touched on this at the very beginning, but something I also want to reiterate

is during your monthly checkups, I think one of the most important things you can do is also compliment your significant other on what it is they're doing better or something they're doing that you really appreciate because, again, going back to love languages, if Andrew's been, which you have been, but you've been washing bottles lately a lot.

And there have been times in this, I've done this on purpose out of caddiness, and I apologize. I'll come clean right here, but I'll see you washing bottles. And I'm like, I'm not going to tell him thank you because he should just, it should just be something he does if he sees it. I've noticed, you haven't thanked me. And my distinct, like my, my actual thought is, well, he doesn't thank me for everything I do around the house. I know, I'm coming clean right now.

No, no, I'm not mad. I'm thankful. But anyways, within the monthly checkouts, being able to sit down and say, you know what, Andrew, you've been washing bottles and I've noticed it and it makes me feel so loved. I love that little gesture that you do. It's little things like that that sometimes if they go unnoticed, you might never know as a significant other that it means something to the other person. And every month, if you have those little compliments and those little things, it just, it gives, it equips your significant other to

succeed for you. Yeah. So I would always start with that and then eat. into okay so I'm doing this and you love it now what are some things that I can work on that you aren't appreciating or you aren't liking or whatever and the tone with which that message is conveyed is super important too not being accusational not being critical not being emotional it's a lot of time and you hate this because you know I do it intentionally I'll be like I'll say hey Sean you did this well and then I'll say but one thing that we could work on and you're like well you're not talking about we you're talking about we're talking about but finger pointing at my face I'm not saying I'm not saying it's the right way but it's my attempt

at not making you feel isolated or you know or like I'm I'm blaming all the issues on you So that's, I think, another thing to keep in mind, however you can do that, it's important. I do think, well, I feel like in our experience, it is way easier to come up with the thing that I want you to work on than it is like to really come up with something that you've been doing well and I'm thankful for. I just feel like that's oftentimes a case in relationships too where it's like, well, I'm just annoyed, but I see this every day. And like, that's the one, your mind just latches on to like the negative thing. So it's a really good, I want to make sure that I'm being your biggest cheerleader and not just your biggest critic too. Well, it becomes really easy to glance over the stuff that your significant other is doing right because if you're sitting at home and you like the atmosphere, it just feels comfortable. You don't sit there and think, oh, thank you so much for doing this.

You just sit there and you're like, yes, finally. So when it comes time for your checkups, it's like, oh, I'm. I can't think of anything that I love because I've just been comfortable. Right. But you can very easily be like, but you did this and I didn't like it. Go ahead. I would love to start one more thing with our monthly checkups. We haven't discussed this, but I think it would be worthwhile to either start the monthly checkup with a prayer or end it with a prayer.

Yeah. Again, just, I think prayer is important whether you're religious or not because it, A, kind of forces you into this mode of, like, reflection and thoughtfulness. And then also kind of, like, puts things in perspective to some degree, you know? Even if you aren't religious and maybe don't pray, you could very easily start every monthly checkup with some, mantra or one liner that's just like I really want this to be a safe space it just kind of sets that tone it's like a trigger yeah most of like okay we're doing this it's a primer for what's next so we are you up for that I'm up for okay cool so we actually started something new in our last monthly checkup which we did two days ago and we made a very big mistake in our last monthly checkup

because we were sitting down for dinner. We didn't schedule our monthly checkup. That was my fault. We were kind of on edge with each other a little bit just because we were tired and we jumped straight into monthly checkups, which ended in arguments. Which, to our credit, has never really happened before.

Yeah, absolutely. This is the first time that's happened. But we did make that mistake. However, something new that we did start, and this is what caused arguments because we didn't see I die on some stuff that we were saying was we started monthly checkups for Drew. So we did monthly checkups, you know,

wife to husband, husband to wife, and then we did monthly checkups as mom to dad, dad to mom, which I think is really good, just kind of keeping each other in balance with priorities and perspectives for your kid, which I would encourage parents to do. But again, I would always separate wife and husband from mother and father.

because you have to prioritize your relationship and then you have to figure out how that works towards parenting. Yeah. It's almost in some ways helpful to view it as two separate categories. Absolutely. So you need two separate checkups almost. It's like going to the doctor, guess. All right.

So as Sean said, the monthly checkup routine and cadence, although we assume we're going to do one once a month. because the first four months of having Drew has been, you know, as normal, pretty strenuous on us as we figure out what our new pattern are and patterns are and what our new routine is, we didn't have monthly checkups for the first two months because we were always so emotional. Well, and that just made me think about the best way to go about checkups is to keep it on a consistent schedule. Otherwise, you start noticing that checkups are only brought up. times of stress or when things are wrong. And so they very easily feel like you're being attacked. Yeah, which is the exact opposite effect we're going for. So I would encourage whether it's monthly, bi-monthly, weekly, daily.

We know friends who do it daily, which is amazing. Right before they go to bed, they do a checkup and they're like, you did this great today. You know, I felt this way when you did this. Or maybe they don't have anything negative, but find your schedule and stick to it so that that it doesn't just come up when you have something you want to talk poorly about. Should we do an example of a live monthly checkup? I was going to ask if you wanted to. Are you ready for this?

I felt like I had another thought, but if I do. Let's, we can air it out a little bit here. Go ahead and think of that thought. It literally just left me. Did I put you on the spot too much? But yes, let's do a monthly checkup. All right. Well, dear Lord, thank you.

Thank you for my beautiful wife. yeah yeah and i'm so thankful for the role she's played in my life and i pray that this monthly checkup will be uh healthy and we can we can love each other well amen amen so sean i feel like this past month i'm super pumped about because i feel like we finally found our rhythm with drew and I've noticed that we've been giggling a lot. That was my thought. What? Oh, nice.

Hit it. I literally just went poof. Are you serious? Oh. Oh. Okay. No. I want to do a podcast on the 10th.

What happens between relationships after you have a kid? There you go. That's it. That's a great one. Yeah. We've gotten requests on that. But yeah. I feel like we finally have regained that benefit of the doubt that we typically give each other.

And so like when I do something silly instead of you getting mad, you've laughed at me, which I really appreciate that because it's so easy to grow a problem by, you know, reacting poorly. And you've like really stepped up and reacted really well. So I'm super thankful for that. thank you um i do think though go ahead go ahead i'll give my compliment first um so this is kind of over the past four months but over the past four months you've been the best father to drew hands down and i know it's been like really difficult how trying to figure out how to be the best like husband and father but lately this month you've been doing a ton of like extra work around the house to help me and it's been amazing thank you thank you for washing bottles i

i do i think one thing we could work on is i have noticed that there's been blatant times where i have gone out of my way to do something an act of kindness and i know you recognize it and i know it's your stubborn side that prevents you from acknowledging that sacrifice or effort that I made. So I would appreciate and I think it would be helpful if like it would encourage me to do more of that if you showed appreciation for that, you know. That's fair.

Yeah. That is fair. My monthly checkup would be, oh, we've kind of talked about it, but I think you've gotten a lot better at it And it's just been trying to like figure out the dynamic. But having a stricter prioritized schedule throughout the day between since we work from home, we're parents from home and we're husband and wife from home, being stricter

with your schedule of this is husband and wife time, this work time, this is dad time, you know, kind of protecting those categories and areas so that husband and wife and, mom and dad never are sacrificed so can i be honest this is this is more observational than it is us doing the live monthly checkup my first reaction to that and we try to prevent this is to explain myself or to defend myself and i'm going to do the same thing with the bottles i was like babe i've done such a better i feel like i've been making a lot of progress in the head but you can't get defensive with monthly checkup so i so resume monthly checkup here now that the observation's over.

Thank you for that. I will continue to work on it. I know I have a lot that I can approve on. You've been doing a great job, but you've made a lot of progress in the past four months. So I have seen that. I acknowledge it.

I just challenge you to go even further. Okay. True doing for Drew now as well as parents. Yeah. I am. We cannot bring up the sensitive subject. The monthly checkup though he had two nights ago, that caused the argument we got he did um no not really i mean it's just it's just a monthly checkup i've

been asking for for eight years um i think that it's like it's tough because it's a really beautiful thing about you but it's also can be unhealthy at times you're micromanaging well sure we can add that to it's not getting uh over protection of drew sometimes where I guess I'm a little more hands off of like, hey, you know what, some bad things will happen and like she'll probably, we'll probably give her to the wrong person to hold. Then she'll probably get sick. But that's okay. We'd rather, I would rather have her get sick than, you know, hoard our child.

So I think just I think. But the corona is on the loose. Yeah. Are you explaining that? Yes. No, I, I just think constantly evaluating like, okay, is this, is this justified fear or is this, you know, just made up? Monthly checkups are so hard not to get defensive and explain yourself. And I love you also.

So keep that in mind. Thank you. Thank you. I will work on that. I feel like I'm pretty good at it, though. You can hear it a little bit. Guys, we have a construction going on in our backyard if we apologize. My monthly checkup for Drew, mom to dad would be, I don't think you rarely ever do it.

But it's going to be a monthly checkup just because I want it to be something that we're both aware of. Okay. Not to, or to try our hardest not to be on our phones when we're with Drew. yeah and that's that's honestly more for both of us because i feel like we live in a world where you're just used to so much stimulus all the time that like sitting and just watching a baby drool can sometimes you're like oh let's check my email while she's drooling but i feel like to be the best parents we can be i would challenge us both to be very cautious of that because i think it teaches her something from day one that we don't want to teach her yeah but also takes away some

those special moments. I agree that I could work on that. So thank you. Thank you for having the perspective and courage to call me out on that. Yeah. I love you. Thanks for calling me out on the Corona. On the corona. Sean says it funny and I love it. I call it the corona. Corona is coming guys. So that's that's kind of how we do the monthly checkup. It was a little different that we had mics and cameras on us. But that's honestly that's that was pretty accurate representation we usually do it at night not in the middle of the day but other than that but no guys I would encourage for you all whether you're dating engaged married parents um or even single try to have a true monthly checkup with yourself like be honest with yourself yeah but try testing it out

seeing how it works for you guys how you can like make it work in different ways again whether that's daily, quarterly. Do you think that us being so open as constructive criticism is because we've had coaches the majority of our lives who have given us constructive criticism in the athletic realm? I think maybe a little bit. I think we're both perfectionists and want so badly to serve the other person

in the best way possible. And I, like we both notice we get so frustrated and defeated when we know that we're not showing our love to each other in the way that we can both receive. I feel like some of our biggest arguments come from not feeling loved. And so, yeah, I think that comes from our athletic background of like, well, tell me what I can do different and I will do it. That's the other thing I'm thankful for is the eagerness to an understanding

to want to love the other person better and to want to make a sacrifice, even if it's outside your comfort zone to help the other person out so that's another important aspect you know i yeah and to further on that i will say not to be like pessimistic but truly monthly checkups can't work and i i don't think relationships can work if you aren't willing to be sacrificial to to make the relationship work which for us like every month we're making sacrifices and saying i will change this for you because i know it something you need and want, but you have to be willing to do that back and forth. Otherwise, relationships can get in bad places.

Last thing I do want to touch on is the expectation for the quickness of change after I received the feedback. We don't expect like, oh, in one day's time or one month's time, this issue will be resolved. Sometimes it can take eight years. you're still salty uh and you're funny i'm making light of the situation no i know you're funny um i think having the the grace and patience for knowing that like it takes time for be able to change and for and so just leave room for that to happen and try to set your expectations at a place of like ladies if you want your husband or significant other to do laundry more

and your monthly checkup is it would mean a lot if you could chip in with laundry yeah if they do laundry once over the course of that month acknowledge it as work and acknowledge it as them trying and the next checkup be like I noticed you did laundry and that wasn't in your normal routine to even think of it and I saw it and you did a great job. My new monthly check would be, could you try to pitch in five times this month? Yeah.

But again, you're rewiring people's thoughts. You're trying to make them see things the way you see them, which isn't natural. Yeah. So you have to have grace with that. You know, it's weird. This sounds like a bunch of, like, like we're trying to be self-improvement.

neither of us are really like rah-rah like self-motivational like I don't know I don't know what you categorize those people as but like we're neither of us are like that but I do think we both have a perspective of like hey if we're not growing then something's wrong and so this is this is a way that we can have honest feedback to help us grow so I don't know I think I think it's cool I'm I'm glad we do it. I'm curious to hear what you think about this. Do you have some tradition already out there, you as a listener, where you are able to receive or give feedback to your significant other?

Or maybe it's a sibling or a parent or, I mean, this could, I just think having intentional conversation is really valuable. So we'd love to hear what you have to say about this. I do want to give, who is the, who wrote in on that love line? language with the feedback the big long email what was her name Karen thank you Karen for your feedback on the love language episode she was upset that um she didn't feel like I fully understood the importance and value that love languages and enneagrams can bring and I will admit that uh that I could I could educate myself a little more and probably increase my appreciation so thank you

Karen. And it brought a different perspective of kind of what we are talking about with like our premarital counselor. He helped us understand each other better. Undis. He helped us understand each other better, understand how we communicate, understand how we think. I think enneagrams, all of it can help people understand themselves and other people better. Whether it doesn't have to define who they are, but it gives them a little insight into this person might think like this. Yeah. So I should acknowledge it and this is how I should act. And I wasn't completely writing it off.

No, I know. But anyway, I appreciate the feedback, Karen. We love hearing all your guys' feedback. We also loved seeing people do the love language quiz with their spouse and tagging us on Instagram stories. So if you guys listen to the podcast and tag us on social media, we always repost. or if you do an exercise that we recommend, we always repost. So be sure that before we close out, you check all the fun links that we have in the description

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