Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 124 | building your dating profile with a dating app executive

Episode Date: July 27, 2022

If you're wondering how to freshen up your dating profile and find love- this episode is for you! Today we interviewed Melissa Hobley, the Global Chief Marketing Officer of OkCupid, one of the largest online dating sites in the world!  We hope you enjoy! Follow My Instagram ▶ http://www.instagram.com/ShawnJohnson Like the Facebook page! ▶ http://www.facebook.com/ShawnJohnson Follow My Twitter ▶ http://www.twitter.com/ShawnJohnson Snapchat! ▶ @ShawneyJ Follow AndrewsTwitter ▶ttp://www.twitter.com/AndrewDEast Follow My Instagram ▶ http://www.instagram.com/AndrewDEast Like the Facebook page! ▶ http://www.facebook.com/AndrewDEast Snapchat! ▶ @AndrewDEast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. What's up, everybody. Welcome back to a couple things. With Sean and Andrew. Wait a minute. You're not. Sean is actually out. She's not feeling well.

So in her place, Caroline is here, who also edits these episodes. But this is applicable and special because in this episode, we talked to Melissa Hobbley, who is the chief marketing officer for OKCupid. And Caroline is in the dating process. She's downloading dating apps left and right and Melissa gave Caroline some helpful dating app tips she did she inspired me to start my uh my application are you are you an okay cupid fiend now you just screen time I can't get off of it we're actually going to do a whole other episode where it's just Melissa and Caroline talking about Caroline's dating life which I don't know if you're optimistic or not about it but you're optimistic about it great soon it's happening thank you to Melissa for

joining us today. If you want to find out more about her and OKCupid, we'll link some information down below. But let us know what you thought about this episode. And if you haven't yet, give this show a rating and subscribe to it on whatever platform you're listening on. Without further ado, here's Melissa Hobbly. Melissa Hobbly, welcome to the show. Let me just give some brief background on you to remind listeners, global chief marketing officer of OKCupid, which is one of the largest dating apps in the world, recently recognized as one of Forbes's top 50 on entrepreneurial CMOs for 2022. Melissa Hats off.

Casual. And you appear in Media Elected Today Show, New York Times, CBS, NPR, and CBS to show and share your insight on all things dating related. So I think this is going to be great interview. It fits right in. Thank you so much for that. You're hired as my publicist slash high guy. Flash those people and like the box rings like, and welcome.

Yeah. Awesome. More importantly, a fellow Hoosier. That's right. there we go crazy small world and also we are so excited to talk to you today because we talk to married couples for the majority and we have a wide variety of people who follow us who are dating and always looking for that special someone and you seem to have all the secrets to the dating world i listen if you are single or maybe you have like you know we all have like a girlfriend or a guy friend or aunt or or maybe it's your mom someone in your life that's single and you're like you are like you are are so awesome and you have so much love to give, like you want to listen because I'm going to give you the secrets and the tips. And what we see, what the data shows, what, what's preventing people from finding that thing, how to use dating apps to your advantage, not just OKCupid,

but whatever app you're on. I'll, I get in trouble for telling all the secrets, but I don't care because I think you need to know. And and also, OKCupid is a lovely company. I don't get in like big trouble. Like maybe don't tell them everything. But the most part, they're cool of it. Well, and I feel like we have zero experience in that, like, world because when we dated, we were not on dating apps. We were set up by like a friend and the rest was kind of history. So when people are always asking us about like dating apps and how to kind of navigate them, I, the only thing I know is like Tinder, you swipe something. That's all I know.

That's it. Right. if you missed that and yet you guys are fixed up by friends which is so great if you missed the the app boom and also by the way maybe maybe you're divorced maybe you're widowed maybe you could be in a phase of life also where if you were not there for when when tinder came on the scene it exploded dating apps and that whole category for everyone it's really interesting if you look back historically at how tinder changed at all uh it and it made the stigma go away because it used to be, when I was single in New York City and dating, you were like, oh, I met him on a dating app.

Yeah. Like, it was that. And now, if the stigma is if you're single and you're not on an app, people are like, what are you on? And dating apps become a little bit like credit cards. You've got a couple, but there's like a primary one that you use. Yeah. So it is, and it can be really overwhelming.

First of all, dating is hard, right? Dating is hard. And it can be so overwhelming to put yourself out there. there and to know what to say and what to do. And so I, and by the way, that's actually the first tip is just know that everybody feels that way. Just know that everyone feels a little overwhelmed and a little nervous and a little scared and a little not enough. I hear that all the time. Not enough. And you're great as you are. Don't wait. Don't wait to do it. Do it now. Download now. Whatever that app is, especially because what happened in COVID is if you were single, it was a really

tough two years, right? It was really tough. And maybe you were spending time with your grandmother or someone who's immunocompromised and you were careful and you also weren't traveling. You weren't meeting people. You weren't even at your local bars maybe like in the same way that you were pre-COVID. And so what's happened is on OKCupid and all of these apps, you have so many people that have never tried it and they're like they're ready and they're really motivated. So this is maybe the best time to join any dating app out there in years. Wow. I'm sold. I'm sold. I'm downloading it right now. I have so many questions. I have like a million popping up my head. Because this is so new to us. I don't want to put you on the spot, but I'm going to. You don't have to use names, but I would love

to know, one, how OKCupid is different than the others. But what are the stigmas or some of the stigmas out there with particular apps? Yes, totally. Okay. So what makes OKCup, unique and why I encourage people to try is number one, we're free. Some apps out there, you can't do anything without paying or they'll give you like three. I don't like when apps do this. Like here's three free days, but give us your credit card because we know you're going to forget to cancel. Yeah. We don't do that. It's free. Yeah. So and what makes us different is we encourage you to bring more substance. So we let you determine the algorithm. And so let's say Sean and Andrew, you're really passionate about animal issues.

or let's say you're passionate about climate change or supporting efforts towards sustainability will let you incorporate that into your algorithm. But also because we ask you about it, our profiles are more interesting and people are a little more thoughtful and they slow down a little bit, right? If you're this morning, I was, by the way, I'm married with two little kids and I'm on 27 apps around the world. So I see it all. You guys, I see it all.

And this morning I saw this beautiful profile that said, I used to be the partner. at one of the most famous prestigious law firms in the world, and I was killing it. And I was deeply unhappy. And now I work in a nonprofit that is trying to abolish the death penalty at a federal level. And I thought, is there, that is hot. Okay. Yeah. So that's what makes OKCupid. That's what makes OKCupid different. Also, we're very inclusive. And we really pride ourselves in that. So you can be straight, gay, young, old, with kids, without kids, whatever you are, religious, not whatever you are, we're here for you and in cities around the world. So that's, that's, that's, that's the thing about OKCupid. I think some of the other apps, listen, Tinder is

skews younger. Yeah. Tinder is also really easy to sign. And by the way, they're a sister company. So I know about all of them. I think if you are looking for a profiles that really tell you about somebody that like you want to know before you get to the date, you're not going to find that on Tinder. And that's not what they're designed to do. They're not, right? They're not trying to tell you, oh, Sean, you know, is from Iowa. She's this deep passion for a boy, right? She loves supporting moms. That's not what they're about. They want you to be able to step your profile quickly, start swiping and interacting right um other apps are a little bit similar in that way you know at okay cupid if you're looking for something serious you have to take a few minutes to set up your

profile and we will not let you pass go without doing that i like that right kind of slows you down you kind of a little more mindful i like that and i want to hear your take on what's including and your dating profile but I first want to ask if you could just let's zoom out a little bit and sell me uh on the advantages of using a dating app like is it for everybody who are dating apps for and what are the advantages but also maybe say hey if you're xyz then dating apps aren't for you i okay you guys have done your homework this is like a very i i'm really impressed with this uh uh uh 20 20 20 date line questioning well not that would be like that would be like It was a cold and stormy night.

So first of all, dating apps are for everyone. I used to say, okay, Cupid is 18 to 88. And then someone told me that we had someone 104 meet someone else. And like get married in their retirement community. So, so I, is that so is that that the cutest? Yes. I was like, are we paying for the wedding? What are.

Yes. Yeah. When we've actually bought them a very nice wedding gift. It may even plane tickets. to like see family or something. I don't know. But we'll do that, by the way, if you mean an OKCupid and you tell us, you will stealth get something very nice from your registry. So, and here's my dating apps are for everyone. And this is the pitch. If you're like, I hate, by the way, I'm the only executive in tech and in a dating app that will say,

I know that people hate dating apps. Like, I get it. I get it. I totally get it. It's like training for a marathon. But once you, or maybe Sean, like your training, I'm sure you didn't always love that. But what you got in the end, And part of that journey was taught you about yourself. It was so rewarding. And so the reason why you have to try dating apps is it is because it is the number one way that people are meeting around the world. When I was a kid and when my parents were kids, society was different. And the way that you met people was very different.

You didn't need dating apps. We also didn't have technology, right? The internet didn't exist. But the way that you met might have been through church. your parents arranged that. But why did that partly happen? It partly happened because women were maybe not finishing high school. They were not going to college. They did not have careers and they were having children very young. So your life was defined if you were a woman in the U.S. in many parts of the world and it still exists in some parts of the world. The importance of getting

married at a younger age and doing that within your community was really important, right? And that's all change with the feminist movement and with women being able to say, I don't want to have kids at 22. And by the way, if you do, that's wonderful. That's great. The point is you can do that when you want to. So it was largely driven by these changes in society and how we and being able to get married later in life and being able to do that whenever you wanted to, right? And so what dating ups allow you to do is to safely and more easily connect with people, right? If you want to go to a bar every night at happy hour. That is a way to meet people. And some people like to do that. You know, I'm in New York City. People love to do that. Yeah. But if you, you know, if you're a single mom,

are you able to even getting one night out without your kids is difficult, right? That babysitter is expensive figuring out like how you're going to get out. Maybe you're a nurse, right? Maybe you're not a mom, but you're a nurse and you have like difficult shifts. You may not even have a free night that works out. When you're on an app, any app, you're able to be in your pajamas on a Sunday morning and you are looking at people and talking to people. And, and it really is. And I know there's, there's scary and tough stories about dating apps out there. By the way, that's always existed around dating and courtship, right? Like, we've always hated dating and courtship since like the dawn of time. So that's not new. But the majority of, of connections are really beautiful and really

lovely and frankly if you're shy if you have a busy schedule if you don't have an endless budget dating apps can be even more helpful because it gives you a chance to say this is what i'm about this is what matters to me and then on your term say let's grab a beer or let's grab a coffee or let's meet let's take our dogs for a walk in the park this episode is brought to you by defender With its 626 horsepower twin turbo V8 engine, the defender, Octa, is taking on the Dakar rally. The ultimate off-road challenge. Learn more at landrover.ca.

Today's episode is brought to you by AG1. We have worked with athletic greens now for several years. They helped us with the tour. And actually last week was exciting because Sean had the exciting opportunity to sit down and talk with Kat Cole and Dr. Andrew Huberman. You may have heard of both of them. Dr. Huberman is a professor at Stanford and Kat Kohl is the COO at Athletic Greens. And the topic of discussion was gut health.

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focus, and aging. So if you want to try this out, this is like the one thing we would recommend if you're looking to take the next step in your health journey. And the good news is to make it easy. Athletic Greens is going to give you a free one year supply of immune supporting vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase all you have to do is visit athletic greens dot com forward slash east fam again that is athletic greens dot com forward slash east fam to take ownership of your health and pick up the ultimate daily nutritional insurance i haven't thought of the advantages for someone like a single mom where like even with you and i as two parents it's so hard to find time to go out but i think dating apps from like a data standpoint just experience

expanding the pool of potential good matches is so interesting. And not the data is obviously everything in a relationship, but it can get you started off on the right foot. Like, oh, hey, we don't share the same values or the same religion or the same issues that you were mentioning that you can signal via the data dating app. It's pretty interesting. Yeah, I think it's great to hear that. You know, the estimate now is that 50% of marriages in the U.S.

are from a dating app. 50%. That's great. That's cool. So it really, it really does work. I get three wedding invitations on average a week, sometimes 10,

sometimes one. That's amazing. It is, I became ordained because someone jokingly said, we want, would you guys marry us? And I was like, I will be there tomorrow.

That's awesome. Wait, so talking about the data, though, side of the app, can you is there a way to answer the question of like what makes someone compatible yeah that's and what makes someone not compatible like are do you have data sources and algorithms that are actually fueling people together or is it like loosely out there so you can see everyone that is such a great you guys have done your homework okay married couple oh i am so impressed with these questions okay So only OKCupid has a match percentage.

So when you look at profiles, we've done the math for you and we'll say, you're 92%, you better, you better send a message to this person or swipe right. And then you can click on it and see why. And that's because on OKCupid, we make you answer 15 questions that power the algorithm. we have 3,000 questions and and some of it is icebreaker stuff and some of it is more is is you know I would say a little bit heavier but trying to get and they're all optional you can skip you can say thousand questions that's cool I feel like I would learn something about myself yeah right oh you learn so much about yourself and so so you'll know when you see mark Mark looks interesting. We're a 90% match. And then I can see, oh, he loves to travel. Oh, he's really engaged in these issues of sustainability and climate change. That really matters to me. And you start to get at these ingredients of compatibility. We also do the things that other apps do, which is like, okay, do you want them to be a college graduate? How far can they be? One my, in New York City. And,

like San Francisco, one mile, two miles is a big deal. In Indiana, it's like, oh, you have two miles, no big deal. And so that's how you can know. But I'll tell you what dating apps can't do, and that is chemistry. We cannot tell you if there's chemistry. You have to meet in person. That's the only way to know. We can do a lot of the work, but that's one of the things I think that people expect from an OKCupid or these other apps is, oh, there's just no chemistry. Well, okay. I can't tell you that you're going to have chemistry with person, but I can tell you the compatibility stuff looks good or, or it doesn't. Does compatibility necessarily mean like you agree on all the same things?

Oh, good question. It does not. It does not mean that. I got so excited. I knocked It does not mean that you agree in all the same things. That's a really good question. And I'll give you an example. My husband's Australian. I'm really outgoing. And I thought I needed someone that was also really outgoing. It's that Muncie, Indiana girl in me that was in New York City feeling like, oh, wow,

everybody here is connected and super smart and rich. And I'm not. I'm not at all. I have no connections. I don't know anyone. I'm working in tech. like who, who will even talk to me? But I had a hustle there.

And my husband is a bit more shy. What, what actually is great is that, that makes us really compatible because I pull him a little bit this way, and he pulls me a little bit this way. And you guys talk to couples a lot. So you've picked up on some of those similar, those similar trends.

But, but compatibility is, compatibility might also be agreeing on certain things. Again, like the climate change, environment one is a really great example if you really believe in that and let's say you're you do you take the tote bags you're trying to not buy as much plastic in the house you're you're taking the steps that you think are going to help and you're with someone that maybe doesn't believe climate change is real you're not compatible yeah that's not going to work right um so so it depends on the space of your life but you don't have to agree on on everything this is going to

sound ridiculous because it is but part of me like being like the underdog in sports all the time like I played football at Vanderbilt and it was always like we had a 4% chance of beating Alabama and it's like if I have a bad compatibility rating I'm going to go for it I got which is bad that's bad strategy would not recommend but still um okay so I love it I love it I love it what do you see as the best practices in orchestrating and putting together your dating profile Okay. This is a great question. And the first thing I'll say about this is 70% of people set it and forget it, meaning they set up their profile and then they never touch it. And you would never do that if you were applying for a job, you wouldn't use the resume you did three years ago. If you're on Instagram, you're always updating it. It's, it's, there's a similar theme. And you guys have touched on this in the past that people don't put the time and the energy in. And they, they're like, I'm like, oh, I'm having. having a hard time meeting someone, I didn't happen. You're like, well, how much time are you really putting your dog?

Oh, I swipe a little bit. Oh, like, like 10 minutes a day. Oh, like 10 minutes a month. And you're like, well, how's that working for you? Right. If you wanted to get fit or run a marathon, you wouldn't run for 10 minutes a week, right? It wouldn't work. So, so putting the time and energy is the first thing to remember.

The second thing is at least four pictures give increases your chances of a date by 70%. So wait. Wait, can we pause there really quick? Yes. Okay. pictures this okay I sat on a girl's trip for 45 minutes with one of my friends helping her pick her pictures and I think it's very fascinating how people choose pictures because they choose pictures that they think other people would like and maybe not necessarily pictures that represent who they are interesting

and I remember one of my girlfriends she had this awesome picture that showed her like as a working woman and she's like oh i'm going to put that last because i don't want to intimidate someone that i actually like my job and i feel like maybe it would be the reverse of like shouldn't you actually completely expose yourself with your pictures because you want someone who clicks on those pictures to be like i feel like that's the kind of person you'd want to be with expose yourself in what way babe not like oh my god stop it not nudies okay different vibe there different but you Sean, that is 100% right, is we are absolutely impacted by this filter, be this thing, right? And you shouldn't do that on a dating app for a million reasons.

And you're exactly right. The one way to think about that is if I look at your four pictures, do I get a sense of who you are and what you're about, right? So you were totally, by the way, great friend helping with those photos. And it is the hardest part. And I'll tell you, there is not a single person. I helped every choice of your supermodel set up her profile. And she hated every picture.

So there was not a person on this planet that loves every picture of them. So just throw that notion out. And you were totally right to say, but that's who you are. You, your boss, your bitch. Like, show that because it's also, you're not, you want to attract someone that's going to support your career and support you. And show that now. Why waste your time? So showing pictures that that really are who you are, what you're about.

I have one on my profile. I did one marathon. I'll never do another marathon. But I made a joke about it. I was like, please don't be misled. I am not a runner. I hate running. I did it for a nonprofit.

Never again. But people ask me about that. And is it a conversation starter? So put the stuff that reflects who you are. On that note, I think I think the reason probably that Sean and I got married was because we were both at a phase where we were done trying to be who we thought the other person wanted us to be. And we're just like, hey, you know what, I'm going to just be who I am. And if that's not who you like, then that's fine. We can find someone else. But it

worked out. It worked out for us. It worked out. Okay. I love that. Yeah. I love that. And you can feel that in the engagement that you two have, that there's a genuine, you love each other. you like each other for exactly who you are and and it's real and that's that's what you want to put out there and by the way you know they're going to find that out eventually true preach you are only posting these overposed filtered photos and that's not who shows up at the bar what do you think that's gonna and you're awesome as you are you are great as you are and there is a person that's going to love you for who you are preach let them find you let them find you okay so four pictures yes yes then the profile this is the hard part and it's so hard and I'm going to give you

the secret and the secret is everybody has a hard time saying hi on a dating app guys girls everybody does you can get protein at home or a protein latte at tim's no powders no blenders no shakers starting at 17 grams per medium latte tim's new protein lattes protein without all the work at participating restaurants in canada don't do this don't do i'm just i'm easygoing girl looking for an easy going guy what do i say to that and also everyone on the planet is right okay don't say that that's not no one what you're partly doing with your profile is you're you're putting things that people are going to ask you about so and the analogy i use is like imagine you're in like you know you're in downtown at a bar and someone walks in wearing a t-shirt of this obscure band and you can't believe

they know that band or your favorite TV show. So on your profile, you should talk a little bit about yourself. I love, and whatever you love, I love my job. I work as a, I would just help a woman who works with children with special needs. And I'm like, you have an amazing job and you do really good, you do good in the world. Put that on your profile. You know, I work with children's special needs. It's a really hard job, but I love it. I originally hail from the Midwest. I'm living in New York City. I love it, but miss like some of those Midwest things. And another way to build on these things is to put lists. So albums that change my life. Dada-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Shows I've been during COVID. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Overrated, whatever. Ozark is overrated. Debate me. Put something a little controversial, people will ask you about it or or something like ask me about the best margarita in Indianapolis ask me about the best margarita in Nashville I I will debate this with you something like that you make it easier for people to reach out people don't think about it that way and when you start to do that and you start to put things on that profile that people can ask you about you will I promise you will see those those responses and those questions Questions. Best shows of all time. Concerts I can't wait to see. Favorite places I've traveled to. Places on my bucket list. Favorite comedians. You know, anything that you spend your time doing, thinking, listening to your favorite podcast. I love that. I kind of have the thought that you can have a conversation with anybody as long as they're passionate.

some people get discouraged because it's like oh i don't have all these life experiences i haven't traveled anywhere i haven't built a career but like that doesn't mean that you don't love or you don't have this wish list of concerts that you want to go to or this wish list of like even like your dreams are an indicator of like who you are and what you want to do so i love that advice yeah and you're trying to make connection and i think if you go into the dating mindset with kind of just what what you said andrew of hey the first few people i meet are maybe not not going to be my person. But how night, don't we, don't we appreciate human interaction now more than ever? Don't we having a conversation with a stranger at an airport or coffee shop? I love those

moments because it was hard to have all of those. And so having that attitude of like, and by the way, that's why a lot of people on OKCupid are like, we're still friends 10 years later. We're not, it didn't work out. But someone that met like a count and goes to his castle. I'm not kidding. It goes to like with Tassel and like Moldova somewhere random because I don't know Kay Cupid and they had a lot to talk about and they had passions. And so having that attitude of I might learn something about them or about myself will also help you with all the nervousness, right? Okay. Ghosting, I feel like, is a term that was kind of sparked by the dating app when dating app started really taking over. what is what is a nice way to turn someone down like if you're hey i thought i was interested i'm not

i'm not just going to drop off the scene what do i say to you yeah yeah and it it and people uh don't do that enough and it can sting a little bit but it's so much better so let's say you have a date and you just didn't feel that spark but they were really nice you should say something like hey i just want to let you know i had such a nice time last night i think you're great then you say something like that thing just wasn't there for me and I but I just think you're awesome and I wanted to let you know because you're great something like that or or hey you're the coolest like God I laugh so hard. I'm not sure if this is like the perfect fit and I just I wanted to tell you because I want people to tell me that and just know I think you're you know I like

to wrap it in a, hey, you're great. Or like, I, you know, or something specific about the day. Like, I woke up and I was still laughing about that story of you, like, smashing into, like, the glass at the pool. And I was like, you know, I was, I was still chuckling about it this morning. I just want to let you know, I'm not sure if there's a romantic connection here. But I think you're great, you know, or would like love to be friends or something like that. Some people don't like that, like, would love to be friends. But that is happening more and more. So if that is genuinely something you want, I had a guy say to me once. And we were friends first, and then we dated.

And he said to me, okay, I got to tell you something. I wish that that thing was there. And I really wish it was. I want to, but it's not. But I won't accept that we don't stay friends. I will not accept it. You're the coolest. And you know, we are still friends to this day.

Yeah. That is nice. Because like you said, everybody needs like the closure. And even though they don't want it, like even though you don't want to hear like, oh, that's not there even if you feel the same way people want that like closure for it whereas like if you go someone it's you either get desperate and you just keep messaging them or you get bitter about it which is unfortunate too that's right and I think here's what you when you don't give that that's the right word shot when you don't give closure then people and especially women we do this a little more

than guys we kind of pine and they're occupying that that mental space and energy or it's like, well, maybe he'll ask me out this weekend. No, give people the courtesy of saying, I don't think that thing. I don't think that's there. And you're great. I don't, you know, essentially free them up to go, you know, to go find that person. It's the right thing to do. And COVID, that's one of the interesting impacts on dating that COVID had is people are

being a bit more upfront about what they want. We see it on the profile. Like, hey, I'm looking for the real deal. So please don't message me. if you're looking for a pen pal i see that all the time it's including including guys profiles straight guys are saying that like hey i'm divorced this dating app thing is a little bit hard but i'm giving it a try you know that like you can say stuff like that and uh and um and and then that honesty too after you meet or after you go on the date and you're like oh you're great like i

wish that spark was there and i think we're better as friends and i want to know that so i'm telling you yeah because maybe maybe using these apps like okay cupid and not trying to have the end goal be hey this is a success only if i find a spouse or someone that i spend x amount of years with and more like hey this is actually pretty cool i get a meet maybe it's going to be a friend maybe it's going to be a who knows a business partner or maybe it'll be a romantic partner but like we the benefit is i now have this pool of people because of the app that we share interest with or we should like I don't know maybe like just loosening up the the expectations a little bit that's right that's beautifully put that I think that's beautifully put loosening up those

expectations and then you kind of like take that pressure off a little bit right like women especially guys is too but they they just they're their own worst enemy like oh I got so ready for the day and mom I'm like the biggest I remember in college some of the girls that were just like itching to get married. It was like, man, you would be great if you would just chill out. Like, like, I'm not going to get married next week. Anyway. Yeah.

How did you meet your husband? I met my husband in a bar in New York City. And I, but it's funny, before I worked at a dating app, I was a wing woman. I was. And again, I think it comes from like, I worked in PR, I'm in San Diego. I felt like I had to out hustle to, like, create a career in New York City. And so I was the girlfriend that my girlfriends loved to go out because they would go to the bathroom and I would just pick out a guy at the bar. And I would say, my girlfriend thinks you're so cute.

You should get her a drink when she comes back. Guys love to do that in New York City. And I like, I love that part of it. And my friend would come back and they'd be like, you know, oh, the gentleman over there would like to buy you a drink. And my friend's like, oh. And then they'd start talking. And in this one night in New York City, I met. there was a group of Aussie guys at the bar

and a friend of mine from Muncie, Indiana, one of my best friends is like someone I grew up with and she thought this guy was cute and I went up to him and basically got them talking and there was this guy next to him who was so cute and I go, I just hooked your boy up, you should get me a drink and we were married three years later. That's awesome.

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betterhelp.com slash east fam that's b-et-t-t-t-r-h-l-p-com slash east fam we'll also link it down below let's get back to it oh that's awesome yeah we so kind of playing off of that I was I did have the question when it comes to dating apps I felt like in the dating world when we were dating there was the stigma around like oh you have to wait for the guy to make the move or you have to wait for so-and-so to make the move or you can't be too forward or you can't be too whatever annoying are there rules and regulations around that or would you encourage like if you're interested just shoot your shot oh my god listen shoot your shot and here's what I'll say about that girls and I get I love chivalry too I I I get it. But here's the thing, that really sweet, genuine guy might also be very shy. And he might look at your profile and be like, oh, she'll never talk to me or just doesn't know what to say. Why? Why put it in their hands only? Why do that? Send, send messages. And again, that's why dating apps are great because can you imagine doing that at bars and getting like rejected in person. I mean, guys, a lot of guys are like more comfortable with that than women are. But, and if they're not,

interested and not feeling it, it's okay. But send, send a message. And by the way, a really good message. Don't say, hey, a lot of people say that, especially guys, at 84% chance you will be totally ignored if you say, hey. So don't do it. No one says anything back to them. But comment on something on their profile. Like, you think Ozark is overrated? I will debate you. You know, or you're also from the Midwest and New York City, same. How did you find it? You know, how do you, do you still watch Parks and Rec to feel like connected? So send, send something that's tied that's specific to their profile. It shows that you took the time. It shows that you are reaching out because you see maybe something in common or something that's

interesting about them. And here's another like secret insider tip. If you don't get on your dating app profile every other day, just for a few minutes, which is what I recommend, get online on Sundays. Everybody is on their app on Sundays. And there's an immediacy to that. And your message is less likely to get buried in the other stuff. Sundays are the biggest day, not just for OKCupid, but for all apps. So get online on Sundays. Update that profile. I forgot to add this data point, which is when you update your profile, Okay, Cupid thinks you're new. And like with all businesses, your cell phone, whatever,

when you're new is when we treat you the best. And we, the algorithm lights up. And we show you to more people and more people see you. And so it can, it can, uh, it will lead to more likes, more matches, more swipes. Uh, so get online on Sundays. That's a good, a really good time to swipe and message and chat. One of our team members, Caroline, is sitting here in the room. And she's dating.

She's dating. Yeah. So are you taking notes, Caroline? I'm curious. You just have all these stats, like, ready to go with 84% chance. You get, like, there's no response. If you say, hey, do you have any of these others? Can you just rip through some if you have them readily available?

Totally. If you answer 20 questions on OKCupid, so we make you do 15. If you answer 20 questions, you're twice as likely to get mutual matches, meaning you both swiped right. Wow. If you send three messages a week, and some people are like, oh, my God, what do you mean three messages a week? But if you send three messages a week, you are three times more likely to go on a date. Just think about that.

She's listening intently. Caroline's listening, listening to intently. If you add more details to your profile, you are 30% more likely to have mutual. matches again because and again the thing I'll say is like imagine if someone's profile says Nashville 32 and another profile says Nashville 32 originally from Iowa like love the Colts debate me hate the Yankees debate me yeah you'll find me at the surf before you'll find me the mountains uh favorite shows of all time that da da da da da da da da da da like i just got a whole picture of kind of some of the stuff that you're into you know asking him my nephew he's hysterical and the

cutest two-year-old in the planet i will debate like you know just fun stuff like that so caroline do that i will look at caroline's profile by the way okay oh my gosh let's set let's set up her We're going to do today. We're going to do today. Let's do it. I'm going to hook her up with our premium version too. Oh. Yeah.

Oh, I'm going to be looking at a profile every single day. Okay. Yes. Hard hitting question. Yes. Maybe the wrap up question. We'll see. No, it's not because I have a lot more.

No. We have to respect for his time. Okay. Um, hard hitting question. So you have two daughters. How old are they? How old are they? Two and five.

Two and five. Okay. Add 15 years to that. Maybe more. Are you going to be stricter about dating apps with them? Or, and how will you introduce them to the dating world? Oh, wow. That is a good question.

That is a great question. You know, you know, it's wild is the way that our kids are engaging with technology, I think it's going to be like you date in the Metaverse. I don't even, it's hard to even like, right? It's going to be wild. It's freaky. Like, there'll be robots first. I don't know.

I will totally encourage them to express themselves and to be on an app if they're looking to connect. I will, I think that we're probably all going to, I haven't had to do this yet, but like the rules around phones. And if you have a Facebook page and Instagram, a ticket. TikTok, a snap, blah, blah, that has become, what's happening now is like, that's become the introduction to the dating app. So I'll totally encourage them to be on an app. I'll, hopefully what I want to do, and you guys talk about that, is encourage them to have the voice and the, when they need to, for the people listening, I just did an inappropriate thing. But, you know, having, having that sense of self, having that sense of self and knowing like what, what works for them

and what's a fit for them. So yeah, totally, totally. And I'll give them a fun photo shoot too. I love that. Why are you so passionate? What do you love about helping others find love? Oh, that's such a beautiful question. You know, I have worked, I've worked in a couple of industries.

And I love working in tech. It's so interesting. I'm really passionate getting more women in tech and changing the diversity. It's still really a boys club. But what's amazing is when you help someone find their person, I don't know that there is much more that's rewarding than that. I'm not a doctor's. If I was finding a cure for cancer, that would definitely top that. But, but, you know, finding your person can also be a lifesaver, right? And in giving people, you know, what I'm proud of what we do at OKCupid is we, every step of that experience, want to affirm who you are and tell you that. that's great and encourage you to bring that substance because it does feel too superficial. It does feel like that on some app that it's appearance. And that's it. It's hot or not. And it's this ego boost swiping. And bringing the substance, encourage people to be who they are is so, is so

empowering. And it works. It really does work. And it doesn't mean it works day one. It doesn't mean it works four weeks in. It doesn't, I mean, it works in like two weeks. But it's so, it's so powerful when people this morning I got an invitation to a baby shower for a couple that met. And it was both of their second marriages. They'd had, they both had it sounds like really difficult divorces. And that's really a beautiful, powerful thing. And what it needs, we know, as you both know, what it feels like to have a person in your corner fighting for you who's got your back is incredible. And the pains of dating and the pains of a dating app and send that profile are 100% worth it. You know, it really is. So it's, it is the most rewarding job I have ever been in

OKCupid really deeply every single day is like, this isn't working good enough. We got to fix it. This isn't working, you know, good enough. We've got to fix it. But we need to help sing. We're doing a whole thing around single parents now because we've so many single parents coming to us to look for love. And so it's, yeah, it's a really powerful, beautiful thing. Your local Benjamin Moore retailer is more than a paint expert. There's someone with paint in their soul, a six cents honed over decades.

And if you have a question about paint, it's almost as if they can read your mind. I sense you need a two-inch angle brush for the trim in your family room. Regal selected an eggshell finish and directions to the post office. Benjamin Moore paint is only sold at locally owned stores. Benjamin Moore, see the love. This is a philosophical question, but I'm interested, Melissa, to get your insight. What is the, so dating, like maybe marriage isn't for everybody, but what do you view as a point of dating or relationships just from?

a high level oh god to get to get us through life you um to be there in the highs and the lows uh uh to to accomplish wonderful things together be it starting a nonprofit or uh volunteering at the animal shelter you know i don't mean like just building a 200 million dollar business or whatever it's it's whatever is meaningful to you and what what having unconditional love does for you in your life is is is uh almost indescribable right it's it's really the meaning of life it's really the whole reason for being here right you can strip away everything but your relationships are are what makes life incredible and And so powering that and powering connection is, is a, it's a really important responsibility.

I love that question. I love it. I'm, no, I can't let you ask any more questions because she's like, this is the most home run interview we've ever had. Like, if we could, if we could like just have an interview be like the epitome of what our entire show is about, it's this. You're pretty hype, Melissa. Yes. I, my eyes just welled up, but that is because you all really care. I mean, truly, you care about helping people find someone.

You care about talking about connection and what that can mean for you. So this is the most enjoyable and interesting, thoughtful conversation I've had about love and connection and relationship in a very long time. And I talk about the shit all day long. So from the Today Show to the New York Times to like, you know, date. and Paris. So I, this is, um, that's so interesting. I, you guys have to keep doing this. And, and I'm so excited with like what you're building with your brand and family made and everything. So I. Oh, man. Well, thank you. That means a lot. We think relationships are pretty cool. And we say every year, relationships are hard, but they just keep getting better and they

just make life better. And it's just so much fun. Yeah. I, I think, I think marriage and just like those deep relationships that last a long time are so important like you hear all these self-improvement like self-help people talk about oh if you do this or you do that it's like no if you get if you get married like that's a grind and that will that will make you better and i mean it pertains to any long-term relationship where it's like hey i'm not going to let you do this and i i hold you to a higher standard than than what you're doing right now i love that and you're right are the right relationships in your life do make you better. I love that. We, I want to, I want to come back and chat to you about Caroline's dating progress. I'm going to personally coach her. Are you setting up your

profile? No, this is what I want to do. I want to have Melissa back on the show. I want to have Melissa back on the show and we'll set up Rose, uh, profile on OKCupid live. And then that way we can do like a tutorial. I and then, yes, we'll take callers. We'll do all. We'll do all. We'll do Yes. You're all for live dates. This is not a lot. And but also I love hearing about, I want to ask you guys more about like, tell me what, you know, let's talk about the power of a relationship.

Let's talk about it. And you know why that's important to you is I deal with like millions of single people around the world. And you do need a reminder of like, I know it's hard. Dating is really hard. I know it's scary and there's rejection and it's all of it. But it is worth it. And there is someone awesome out there for you.

and like let them find you okay mostly you're coming back you have to i feel encouraged i also feel great like when she was breaking up with me on the dating app when she was like hey you're awesome yeah i feel good yeah i'm okay with this okay oh my god when are you guys getting your own show you are so lovely this is so fun uh uh this was so great i can't imagine anyone breaking up with either of you but um oh it happened you thanks for letting me share this this was just like such a treat, such pleasure. Hey, just so people can find out more about you. How can people find you more about OKCupid?

Yes, so you can download OKCupid for free in the app store or on Google Play. You can follow OKCupid on Instagram or like hit me up on Instagram. By the way, if you're listening to this show, you're obviously a lovely human. Hit me up on email, Melissa at OKCupid.com. I will give you three months of premium OKCupid on. me that's a hundred and fifty dollars I literally I don't usually do that but you guys are so lovely anyone that listens to this pod is like a lovely human I want to help you find love so email email me and I will personally hook it up they don't

do promo codes in App Store so we have to do it yeah that's amazing guys if you're listening to it dang Melissa thank you for the time it's great to meet you thank you so much I'll see you guys again thanks Melissa