Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 128 | how to raise a good human

Episode Date: August 24, 2022

Today’s episode got a little heated, but for good reason! We are talking about raising good humans and sharing some things we believe are important to instill in our kids. I’m sure all parents can relate that raising a good human is something we all want to do, but it takes time, energy and effort to get there! Leave a comment below and tell us what you’re doing to raise a good human! Follow My Instagram ▶ http://www.instagram.com/ShawnJohnson Like the Facebook page! ▶ http://www.facebook.com/ShawnJohnson Follow My Twitter ▶ http://www.twitter.com/ShawnJohnson Snapchat! ▶ @ShawneyJ Follow AndrewsTwitter ▶ttp://www.twitter.com/AndrewDEast Follow My Instagram ▶ http://www.instagram.com/AndrewDEast Like the Facebook page! ▶ http://www.facebook.com/AndrewDEast Snapchat! ▶ @AndrewDEast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. what's up everybody welcome back to a couple things with Sean and Andrew a podcast all about couples and the things they go through uh today is a good one today is going to be maybe a hard one for us

because I we don't have the answer to this one it's all about raising good humans so which is maybe my worst fear in life is to raise a good human is to fail at that we have no idea how to raise good human. We're only three years into raising a human at all. I know. And we're just struggling through it. So if you have ideas, feel free to share them in the comments on the discussion board at community.com. And if you like this show as a whole, please subscribe to it. Give it a rating on whatever platform you're listening on. We do video. We do audio. We do. That's it, actually. That's all we do. We do those two things. Okay. So we are parents. And the goal of parenting in my mind is to raise responsible contributing human beings what defines a good human just

that here's what i'm saying i actually don't like the title because yeah i love what does it even mean to be a good human i think it's exactly exactly no wait i have the i have the thought it's exactly what you the opposite of raising a good human is not what anybody wants. I don't want to raise a murderer. I don't want to raise someone who's unkind that cheats, steals, lies, does bad things. So whatever good means, it's just not that. I just feel like so many people

have so many different standards on good that it's really ambiguous. I want them to be kind, caring, compassionate, responsible, respectful human beings. Here's the thing. I think every parent wants to do this, which is raise a good human. The challenge is defining what that actually means for you and for your family. And Sean and I are probably in the process of doing that.

You'll see and hear in this episode that we actually don't have it ironed out as much as we should, which is a homework assignment for us. But I feel like after having kids ourselves, we realize that actually going about raising someone, who you know is responsible in contributing is it's harder than it looks and so i mean our kids kind of mimic us right so they'll pick up our good traits but they'll also pick up our bad traits which is like hey i got a short fuse or i'm lazy or whatever it is right i think kids okay to all the parents out there i think kids are like the most unforgiving mirrors you've ever like in your entire life.

Yes. Because, understandably so. Kids can be so frustrating. And so, like, you can get so tired and you can just, like, be at the end of your rope,

basically, so easily. And little kids drew, for the first, or, for example, the other day, she stopped me dead in my track. She said,

Mommy, you're being mean. And I was like, wow. The term good. is in need of being specified, right? And whether you're spiritual, religious, or whether you are in part, some community,

like different groups will define good in different ways. So you, just now, kind of rift off, like, hey, I don't want my kid to cheat, to lie, to do bad things, right? Yes. You could say, hey, I want my kid to, you know, loosely follow the Ten Commandments. right yeah i'm just saying i'm just trying to explain the fact that you need as a family to define what good means but i want to go back then what i said wait what because like this is where it gets so crazy as parents because now in my mind i'm like well they can make mistakes that doesn't make

them a bad human let's hit some high level things of what we're trying to accomplish as parents first and foremost, we, at the end of the day, want to show our kids unconditional love, right? Yes. I feel like we have read so many books, been told by so many psychiatrists, psychologists, pediatricians, doctors, everybody that when it comes down to it, the greatest thing you can ever give a child is unconditional love. Every single day, just reiterating no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter who you are, I will always, always. love you this this term unconditional love has actually uh come into focus for me or i feel like over the past week um we were talking to one of our friends who recently gave birth and they were like you know i

just want to be proud of my wife because she gave a natural birth oh my gosh that is that's actually conditional that is conditional right yes unconditional love how powerful is that where it's like you know people ask us all the time are your kids going to be athletes it actually doesn't matter no matter if they're athletes or not we will love them no matter the conditions of what they do yeah we will love them obviously there's going to be a million more situations but beyond just like are the athletes or not maybe they're maybe they decide to get you know tattoos are we going to love them absolutely you have tattoos that's a bad example but you see it could get pretty nuance as far as like I don't know that's that's what's

revealing about parenting is they're going to make decisions that we never would and it's like Was that a condition that I would stop loving them under? Like, what if they did drugs? I don't know. I'm just saying. Here's my thought. We've talked about this. And I think you and I are on the same page as this.

When it came to the conversation of having children, we ran through the gamut of like, what if? What if? And there are a bazillion different what ifs that can happen. But at the end of the day, unconditionally loving your child. truly standing by the idea and concept of no matter who you are, no matter what you do, I don't have to agree with you, but I will always love you because I will always be your parent and you will always be my child.

In some ways, unconditional love and marriage is easier than parenting because if I don't agree with my child, I feel like it's my responsibility as a parent to correct them. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Yes and no. I'm not saying like in style things like, hey, you wore baggy jeans jet. That's like I need to correct you. It's not the case I'm talking about.

I agree. But I think as a parent you have to draw such a hard line. And that is so hard. Like it's very hard to find this line because it's very great. But you have to remember. You have to remember at the end of the day. it's easier potentially to unconditionally love your spouse than your child because your spouse you have accepted as a different person your child a lot of people get cut up in trying to replicate

themselves or a life that they didn't have in their child they try to create a human being instead of acknowledging that like this child is already their own person and i think a lot of Kids get really messed up very early on in life because when parents think they're giving unconditional love, they're giving conditional love. Because they say, ooh, you chose this sport. That's not your best sport. That's not your best thing. Or you dressed this certain way. Or I feel like kids learn at such a young age that they have to earn your love.

if you aren't doing it potentially the right way well i agree with you up until the point where it's like there needs to be boundaries established right so it's like hey you cannot do this do you disagree with me here i jet cannot jump in the pool as a one-year-old with no floaties i will set the boundary hard on that i'm not kidding this is an example i what agree to disagree Oh my gosh I am shook I don't disagree with the you cannot But what? I don't think it ends there

I'm so interesting Like with Drew She's old enough now that I can have These conversations with her to a certain extent Where it's like Drew You cannot get into the pool Without mommy or daddy watching you And she'll be like

But why mama? And I'm like Because it's not safe for you and we want to put like we want to keep you safe we don't want to lose you and like all of these things and yes that's a good example of like you have to have a line there of like we don't want you to die but if you run down the road even further on this well you have to draw lines it's like you cannot be a lawyer because we don't believe in it we don't believe in law i'm just saying i'm just saying like i feel like parents you have to every single decision every single day every single like thing you're trying to teach your kid are you trying to make them you or are you trying to let them

be who they are and we like yes yeah because unconditional Unconditional love kind of assumes acceptance. Yes. But I feel like a big part of unconditional love is setting limits and boundaries and expectations so that you provide a framework for them to grow and learn. Here's a hypothetical. Ready? Okay.

We were both born and raised into a Christian family. What if Drew comes to us when she's 16 and she says, I want to be Mormon I believe in Mormon like the Mormon faith I think it's just like this concept and idea of like does that constitute us not

loving her? Absolutely not we don't have to agree with it but even if she's like this is what I'm doing this is what I want to do this is what I believe in there is nothing about that that makes me choose to not love her correct

but I can disagree and I think I think what happens a lot is people parents forget that difference like we've talked about this when drew does something mean we're like drew that was a mean decision that was a mean action you are not mean but that that action was mean and so you can like go into the depths of I disagree with your choice but I love you well I still accept you so you're saying we may not always love the choice but we can always love them always i think we could talk about that for the next 80 years of our life and how you break that down because that's super complicated like what if it's a pattern of like it is consistent choices and it's kind of like is that who they are at some point i don't

know what an interesting i did not expect that to go down that road but i'm glad i'm glad we did so we have some thinking to do on that one but we want to show our kids unconditional love in our words and our actions and our time clearly what that looks like from mom might look different from what that looks like from dad which actually is probably a beautiful thing what you're probably going to show unconditional love in a different way that I will you did all right the rest of the episode is just about unconditional love why I think that is very possible how it how Oh, that means your definition's different. How do you show unconditional love differently?

That means the source, the well of the love is different. It's like, Desani water tastes different than ice mountain. That doesn't mean it's different, it's not water. That's the question, though. You said you might show it differently. How do you show unconditional love differently than unconditional love differently than unconditional love. I think about my grandpa was a disciplinarian. It didn't feel like he loved me, but now as I'm older and setting my own boundaries for life and realizing like, hey, this is a healthy choice and this

isn't, this is a healthy pattern or like path to go down and this isn't. My gosh, what what an incredibly brave act of unconditional love he bestowed on me by disciplining me. No, you're, you're, I think that is unconditional love he said I'm gonna I'm gonna deal with your tears and your frustration and your backlash because I love you so much I am going to push you to this point we're we're not saying different things okay at all okay our definition is identical okay no matter what they do what they say are who they are we will love them so like your grandpa always loved you yes it's not because of an action or choice that you did

that he stood there and said, I don't love you anymore or I don't love you right now because you chose to do this bad thing. Yeah. So you're saying the same exact thing. Okay, great. In showing unconditional love, I think there's only black or white.

You can either choose to unconditionally love your child or you can choose to conditionally love them. How you show that is based off of your choice. Okay, when the baby's crying because I think it is displayed differently. No, it's not. You show it in this affection. I...

You know what I'm saying? I show it in like this. Yeah, but you're getting into a nuance of how do I love my kid. Yeah, we're talking about unconditional love. Yes. We're speaking different languages, but we're saying the same exact thing. That's what I'm saying. It's possible.

I think the only... question here is in your heart and soul do you still love your child based off of their decisions this episode is brought to you by defender with its 626 horsepower twin turbo v8 engine the defender octa is taking on the decar rally the ultimate off-road challenge learn more at landrover c a all right lexie's excited for this babe she's excited for us to read this and i am too because today's episode is brought to you by better help babe did you know that headaches teeth grinding and digestive issues can be indicators of stress what yeah i guess that makes sense yeah sure does people you need to listen to your bodies i'm actually on this whole like self-discovery journey right now and i'm meeting

with a nutritionist, getting my allergies retested and seeing a therapist each week. Thanks to better help. Sean sent me a picture of all the allergy pricks that she had in the forum. And I was like, is this a new tattoo? What is happening? It was a lot. Anyway, I'm proud of you, babe, for your self discovery. And when Sean puts her mind to doing something, she invests all of her energy into it. Thanks, babe. I think that's a compliment. I've just been trying to get back into a healthy routine for both my mind and my body, for our babies, for you. And the cool thing. And the cool thing, about BetterHelp is it's so much more affordable than in-person therapy. That's right. And you can chat with your online therapist over a phone call or Zoom and it even

has a chat option, which has been great for both of us when we don't want to actually verbally talk. True. A couple of things is sponsored by BetterHelp and our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash EastFam. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com slash EastFam. Take care of your mental health. Check it out. Link below. Let's get back. back to it. So on the similar note of unconditional love, I feel like it's important to teach the kids that perfection is not the goal. So whether that means like in test scores or in sports or whatever you can gauge as being perfect or not perfect, it's not necessarily about like the end result as it is about who you're becoming, you know? I think this is like you said,

the same exact thing as unconditional love. It's if you teach your kids, that they have to earn your love perfection success all of that falls into the same bucket it's like you have to earn it you have to get a good test score you have to achieve you know a medal or a placement in a sport you have to truly work for it and I think if you can reiterate to your children early on that it's not about earning then it's unconditional I feel like you have a real tangible experience with this that not many people do. I do. I mean, my parents were the epitome of unconditional love.

They would talk to me every single night and say, you know, like, gymnastics is not our thing. It's your thing. And if you wanted to quit today, then we would support you. We love you. But I will say in my sport, just being around other kids. who felt that the opposite, I had to kind of have that reminder constantly of that love is there no matter what.

Perfectionism can be very hard for a kid to digest. In my sport, we don't have anything called the perfect 10. And I'm more and more thankful for that as time goes on. I feel like it's such like a, if that's what always your focus is, then that carries over to like anything carries over to like how you gauge being a mom like is it am i being a perfect mom is it am i being a perfect wife we struggle with that you know it's like

it's hard to break that mindset of performance because it's not always about like you're not always doing a scoreboard it's always about keeping score it's really hard to turn that off i do think though you have dealt with something very similar because in any sport in any creation, hobby, activity, you can measure success and what the next level is. And I remember you feeling pressured to, like, make it to the NFL and to play so many games and then to play so many years. And your friends and family were so excited to go to games. And it's like you still had that sense of earning their pride, which a lot of times

people can confuse with love. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like when you have a performance mindset, it nickses and negates the opportunity to be open and honest about mistakes that you make, which therefore negates a learning opportunity. So anyway, it's not about the end result as much as it is about the journey. That's cliche, but it is true. I do think one of the little point here that we have written down, which is really important, is like accepting your imperfections and teaching. your kid to like own them and that it's normal so if you accidentally snap at your kid or if you snap at your spouse or you do something unkind or you feel like you did something wrong you should

tell your child be like I am so sorry like mommy is tired and because of that I was grumpy and that's not okay and do you please forgive me it should it should be if you can own your imperfections and your mistakes in front of your child and teach them that, I think that sets them up for success. So I've read again, you're really good at that. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, because at some point in life, you mature enough to realize that it's not about being perfect. And then you have the self-awareness of what you're not perfect to anything, but you have

the self-awareness of, hey, I'm not perfect at this when I'm good at it or, you know, this is something I really need to work on. On the other hand, right, there's, like, self-awareness is a really good thing. Tim's new scrambled egg loaded croissant, or is it croissant? No matter how you say it. Start your day with freshly cracked scrambled eggs loaded on a buttery, flaky croissant. Try it with maple brown butter today at Tim's. At participating restaurants in Canada for limited time.

Moving on. We have written down that we as parents need to be happy and confident, but before we can teach our kids to be this way. Parents hugely influence their children and who they are and how they act. Whether it's how you talk to yourself, how you portray yourself, how you walk around from day to day. All of that is something that your kid is watching and learning from and taking in. And how you treat yourself is how your kid will learn to do. treat themselves and i think that's really terrifying because it puts a lot of pressure on

parents but um it actually says according to psychologist mothers who often examine their flaws checked in um or check in with the mirror and complained about their appearance were more likely to raise daughters with a heightened sense of insecurity who did the same and it just goes to show like how you speak to yourself how you act about yourself how you speak to your about yourself to other people when you think people aren't watching your kids are watching and they're learning from that some about what you just said just really hit home the fact that i need to work on my self-image right because like that affects how i carry myself that affects how i respond to situations how i welcome other people or how i greet other people um self-image is super important because your kids

will glean that from you like the people who are around you the most every day are yourself your spouse probably and then your kids right well and i think it even goes further it's it's teaching your child that again love and worth does not come from how they look or you know how they should be treated so how we treat each other and what common we make to each other we're teaching our kids that's how their spouse should talk to them and should act to them and it's just it's wild and this is where it gets so terrifying as a parent because like every single thing you're saying doing is influencing your kids I mentioned I dislike the word good because how do you gauge that I also dislike the word happy so I am

thinking about this topic as like how can you how can you be content and any and all situations right and bridging back to last one is content isn't on the upper side of the spectrum of positive it's like the middle line i think that's up for debate i think content could just be like you're at peace it doesn't it's not like you're riding the highest high you're not in the deepest lows you're like content it's a beautiful place to be It's like accepting things. And bridging back to the perfection conversation, like so many people feel like you need to have the perfect job with the perfect salary and yada yada. Like it's not about that.

It's about, hey, you know, I didn't get into the college that I wanted to. That's okay. I can be content. I gave it my all. I think I view the definition in a slightly different light, but it's semantics. Yeah. It's just how we're defining it. Also, this is so freaking important.

We want to show our kids that life is not all about us. We want to do that through our actions. We want to do that through how we share things. We want to do that through how we open our home up. Community is the most joyful part of life, I feel like. And when I'm stuck in a fork in the road, I try to push myself towards the decision that will bring me into closer community with someone else.

And that goes for a lot of things, whether it's a job, whether it's a house we're looking at or whatever. How do you feel about that? I think teaching kids that you should be living life for other people. I mean. Serving. Yeah.

Tithing. We aren't living. living life to just consume, make, and acquire as much as possible. We're living life to impact people to help them and to help ourselves as well. So serving with your time, giving with your money, sharing with whatever material goods you do have. That's a super important value set to give your kids. And I feel like so many people in society skews serving as like a punishment

when it should truly be a privilege to be in community with other people to help people get out of dark and low places I mean that is that is a true privilege if you can impact someone's life you're changing their life forever and that's a gift unlike anything that could be monetary.

Can I just riff on my rough trajectory of how life goes for a lot of people? Sure. I'm a big biography guy. I love reading. I love history. I've recently read Cornelius Vanderbilt's biography, John D. Rockefeller's, Andrew Carnegie,

even like Warren Buffett, some of these newer contemporary people and figures. And the arc always ends with giving back so it's like a lot of people when they're young before college are just trying to figure out hey am I good at something and then they figure out hey I'm good at something and then they do it and they hit it hard like in their 20s and you're like pursuing this career and you realize like how fun it is to accumulate and build your bank account and build the new house of your dreams and build your family and then you realize like oh there's only so much satisfaction that can

come from that. So the latter half of all of these successful people's lives is always now helping someone else achieve that point. And like there's a book called Good to Great where the best leaders are always able to equip the next generation to continue the race and to like carry the baton. So anyway, just a mind shift change from making it all about yourself. it's so limited if like in comparison to sharing things sharing your knowledge sharing your goods whatever that's my hot take on it i do think one of the most important things to remember is community who you're centering like who you're putting your kids around um it's going back to all of these points of unconditional love and serving others how

how you treat yourself, being happy and confident, all of those, those apply to everybody your kid is around. So are people making them earn their love? Are they treating themselves poorly? Like, all of it. You have to be very selective and very smart in how you and who you surround your kids with. Yeah.

We're also, I mean, we sent Drew to school when she was young. We try to get them socialized as often as possible because I feel like when you're around other people, people your rough edges get softened and your your uh i think flaws get exposed and so like how can we use the power of community as a tool to shape us and how we parent but also shape our kids and how they're being raised so like being super intentional especially as they're in these formative years of like putting them around people who are going to help going to help form them positively and by positively I mean closer to the vision that we have for them at the end of

what's the vision you have for them I I view drew as like this incredibly ambitious talented leader who is a go-getter who is a builder who um how do you feel about what i'm saying right now let me let me let me let me rephrase because in my mind that's who i view drew becoming okay which is not necessary the more important thing is her becoming loving joyful peaceful patient, kind, generous, faithful, with self-control. How do you feel about that? I think raising a good human is teaching them those qualities. I think putting the pressure and expectation on them to be talented, a leader, a builder,

that is teaching your kid to earn what you want for them. I will accept that. I agree. That was the path I was just going down with that. And I think as a mom, my goal in life is to teach my kids well you just said patient kind everything but to teach them that they're capable of whatever they want and knowing that I will be there for them and I will love them every step of the way but instilling in them that confidence to know that whatever life throws at them, they can handle it is a good human to me.

I love that. I love that. I'm thinking about the identity statement I wrote down or like who the Bible says that we are, which is powerful. So it's like everything I just said, the fruits of the spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control,

to have them acknowledge that they are talented at something that they were that is that am i still crossing the line that they have qualities that can contribute how about that whatever that means what their community yeah i i just think i don't disagree i just think society has tarnished that word talented to be contribute I even think society has skewed that. Okay. Because I think society would say if you are contributing to society, you're being, you're, you are successful.

You are, all contributions to society are either people who make names for themselves or are high up in the societal, like, world. I say contribute to the community. So that could be their family. That could be their friend group, their school, however large you want to make that circle. like I would say as a parent for me those are words that I wouldn't use I feel you but just so you know contribute I'm saying like hey you contributed because you made everybody smile today or you contributed because you served I have to go on a more tangent I'm sorry don't you think

that skews their mind to think you contributed because you got them to smile in an essence and in a way is still teaching them to earn people's, to earn their validation of worth in society. Because they have to contribute in order to get a good job from you, you know. I'm not even saying that they need to contribute as much as that they acknowledge that they can. Okay, yes, but then you would have to go back and change your statement because you said, my dream for them is to be a good contributor to community. You know, it's just like it's semantics.

Here's what I'll do. This is a homework assignment for you listening and definitely for Sean and I. Define what does it mean to be a good human, right? define if you have kids what do you actually hope for them

and to help you I will link the doc that I have written out of like the qualities it's not the things you would have to do but the qualities

that I hope our kids have how about that the conjuring left rights On September 5th I come down here we need you Array! Array!

Array! Array! Array! The Conjuring Last Rites, only in theater September 5th. Just to give you a little starting place. Uh, this was super interesting.

Did not expect, I was actually not excited about this episode. I was. You were. Well, I just, like, raising a good human. Like, first of all, we don't know what the freak we're doing. No, but this consumes every ounce of every day of my life. Yes. Every single word that comes out of my mouth, action, I now think about how it's impacting my children.

Like, every day. you ask why I beat myself up on a daily basis of like what could I have done to better why just all these things it's because I don't want to screw up my job it's the best job in the world that was an interesting one thank you for listening if you made it this far please subscribe to this show and give it a rating Sean I love you you do a great job with our children and you have helped raise me personally as your husband I'm not kidding I was talking to my dude see the other day about this. They're like, who the heck would I be if I did not have my wife? I'd be curious what you said. I love you too, baby. Thank you for listening. That's how we have.

I'm my Andrew. I'm Andrew. I'm Sean. We're the East fam. Out.