Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 132 | most common things we argue about

Episode Date: September 21, 2022

Want to know what we argue most about? Well, we talk all about it in this episode! We also talk about the most common things couples argue about, how we go about resolving arguments, and more!  We hope you enjoy it! This episode is sponsored by Better Help! ▶ Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com/EASTFAM. Take care of yourself :) Follow My Instagram ▶ http://www.instagram.com/ShawnJohnson Like the Facebook page! ▶ http://www.facebook.com/ShawnJohnson Follow My Twitter ▶ http://www.twitter.com/ShawnJohnson Snapchat! ▶ @ShawneyJ Follow AndrewsTwitter ▶ttp://www.twitter.com/AndrewDEast Follow My Instagram ▶ http://www.instagram.com/AndrewDEast Like the Facebook page! ▶ http://www.facebook.com/AndrewDEast Snapchat! ▶ @AndrewDEast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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And, well, as fate would have it, we're hot and heavy right in the middle of one. I think this is the first broad stroke, what we often argue about. Sean and I both get really excited about things. And I tend to commit to things. And when I commit to things, I'm a bad, communicator in the sense that like hey it's three days from now and we could easily change the time for this but I don't really communicate that so and you book like 10 things in the same hour and you're like it's fine we can easily make all of them and we can never make all of them so we always

look bad let's talk about Sean's issues for a little bit now do it I don't have any I'm perfectionist I have very high expectations I get very very frustrated when we don't fulfill them the great thing is uh i do think we're getting better at arguing don't you no i feel like this morning was a huge win i said something that was out of line and then we were like what did you say that was out of line um oh i was like hey let's be precise in our speech and then i proceeded to use the word mud flaps when i really meant just the general idea it doesn't matter it doesn't matter doesn't matter Andrew tends to argue factually and if you ever misspeak it's like no that's not the fact and then today he didn't

want me to use his own facts like against him and he was like oh that's interesting so i do think though it's a good policy and we talk about blanket statements all the time to try to be as precise in speech as possible because when you do that a lot of times the issues are smaller than you're perceiving them to be all that to say what's up everybody welcome back to a couple things things with Sean and Andrew a podcast all about couples and the things they go through and today is the most common things we fight about and we're starting it off in the middle of an argument so we do it literally says on our one sheet don't let this start an argument and we are already in a full fledger argument this didn't start the argument I had fun like fuming like anxiety driving over

here I haven't showered I haven't brushed my teeth planning on doing that during this free 30 minutes I had before work started. But what does Andrew do while I'm in the middle of Target? He calls me. He's like, we need to film the podcast now. Okay. No, no, no. You were not in the middle of Target.

I was checking out. You were checking out. Which is still like a solid 30, 40 minutes away from like potentially being ready. But you could have, if you were mad, you could have been like, no, let's not do it now. You didn't ever say that. I said, babe, I don't think we have time because I have a call at 10. 10 a.m. with someone who's very important that I've already rescheduled on and I can't change it. And you're like, I'm going to head to the studio now. I'll have it ready. We can do this in like 20

minutes. We've never done a podcast in less than an hour. Let's just say that. Well, let's talk about why you reschedule the call already. Why did I reschedule the call already? Because we had scheduling issues. I do my mindset, especially with kids, is like if we don't do it now, it's not going to get done so that's why i think your mind's up for today is you scheduled like three or four different phone calls for the rest of the day that we don't have time and they're not on the calendar for us to see say three or four one more time three or four you have one at 10 30 you have one at 11 30 you have one at 2 30 there's two call how do i know that because i had to hack into your email to see your schedule here's this is honestly i love this about marriage oh my gosh i want to punch you

the face today you know so you know me so well that like honestly there is a point of here's let me map out the trajectory it's so fun getting to know andrew yay he's great he's so spontaneous and like he loves to connect with people and in the trajectory he's like he's going to change I'm so hopeful and I'm so impressed by his ability to form like more first frustration oh yeah yeah and then I'm like oh he's actually never going to change but then it's like then you're just I think it's an acceptance of hey this is Andrew and honestly I'm an idiot and I am we are going to have a team meeting after this a solid one and we're going to fix us I would love to you're going to give me access to your Google account I am self aware hop up on my calendar I'm self aware of these issues

that I have really yes why don't we fix them we've we've never had a conversation like this and honestly recording this conversation is helpful to mitigating emotions so thank you podcasts and all those listening but we try to be open and honest with you and all the content the one thing we are very reserved about is when Sean and I have issues we typically like to resolve them one of our big roles has to be resolved before we share it and this is not resolved but that's because of the episode the episode is themed boom I actually had the thought as I was driving here from Target. Oh, and

by the way, I had to stop by home to grab a shirt because I was wearing a winter sweater. And I had the thought, I was like, do you think he did this on purpose? I did. Because of today's episode. I didn't. No.

It's ironic. It's purely coincidence to be honest with you. Here's our one line that he wrote down. You can joke that hopefully this episode doesn't lead to an argument, but after seven years of marriage, you have figured out a lot more about arguing. Which is true. And here's the important part that I've learned is if I view Sean and I's relationship as being burdened by arguing, if that's the majority of how I view our relationship of like, oh man, anytime Sean and I have conversations, it always ends

an argument. That's a losing mentality, to be honest with you. And that's not solid ground to stand on. But if I'm like, if I more take the mentality, and I think it is a perspective and an attitude that you adopt of my goal is to get to know Sean as well as possible. Touch me. Don't touch me right now. And to love her as best as I can and to strengthen our relationship as much as we can, arguing is an essential part of that. It is an essential part of that. I know.

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If we're going to go, if we're going to round the bases and go to home and score a run, you're on that journey. On that journey, inevitably there will be hiccups and obstacles. that's what it means to get to know somebody so honestly i'm i'm being serious we have i am being so serious right now it's it's a perspective change of like oh this sucks we argue all the time which honestly you are miss pouty pants that's one of your issues you kind of get pouty and you're like i just feel like we're not on the same page and it doesn't bother me Do you know why?

When we're not on the same page, it doesn't bother you. Because you're Mr. Stubborn when it comes to apologies. What? Sean Michelle. Yes. No, no, no, no, no. Here's an issue that we need to resolve. Not now.

How does one properly apologize in our relationship? Own your fault and say, I am sorry for this. It's not the words. And you're so stubborn about it. You're like, because you can't come to a place in an argument where you're like, I did this. True. I, I 100% today on the schedule did it wrong. I am wrong this morning. Thank you. It's not enough for you. Stop touching me. It's not enough for you. Sean then circles back around and says, well, you didn't do the schedule wrong. And I'm like, all right, I apologize, bro. How do we move passes?

You didn't do the schedule right. I did it wrong. Yeah, you said I didn't do it wrong. I want to get back. Sean, I didn't care. By bad. I will say you are owning your ish very well. right now so thank you and it's making it hard to be mad at you however in historical arguments stop touching me in historical arguments you are so stubborn because like we'll go around an argument for a long time and he'll be like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but this but this with this but we'll bounce back and forth and we get very defensive and i'm like but i just need to hear you say i need to hear you say i did this wrong i'm sorry and that is so hard for you sometimes okay all right you know what i will accept that to whatever extent this is true i will accept that all right and i will get better at it but

no you know what period end of saying period move on okay let's get to like some actual things that you guys here's some stats okay wait first do you think there's a difference between a fight and an argument yes yes i think an argument is productive i think a fight is not i think a fight is when you get too emotional you go past an argument and becomes personal i feel like it's it's a mind shift thing where it's a fight you are trying to win and like impose your will on the other person i will say argument is to reach a compromise or an agreement that's how the internet explains it at least i will also say too for us that's something we've really really had to work on because we are both so competitive because we are both very stubborn we're very passionate we're very um

self-sufficient that's been something that we've had to work on is like the difference between a fight and an argument because at the beginning we always wanted to win we didn't see any productivity happening unless we won our side of the argument and it always got very emotional and it ended in tears and like we took it personally I think we've gotten better at not getting to the fight point and just staying in the argument realm and we have been more and more reminding ourselves that like we're on the same team I'm not touching you why are you coming so close we're on the same team like that changes everything when you have that perspective of it's not me versus Sean this is cliche but it's huge when you understand it this is not like

hey who's who's gonna seize the power in this moment it's no things need to happen and especially when you have kids so many things that happen things need to happen go to the doctor go to school drop off from school pick up from school take them to the friend's house do this do that do the medicine there's a lot of logistics right and so like that being the case of x needs to be done sometimes it's like well i'm doing more i'm doing more of this and it feels like you're taking advantage of me but it's like no we're on the same team so like how can we help each other out an important part of that is communicating like in a structured organized effective way that Sean, I don't think you're pulling your weight and here's why.

But it's not emotional. That doesn't come from a spur of the moment. When's the last time he felt that, Andrew? That was just purely hypothetical. I promised purely hypothetical. Careful with those words. I think hypotheticals. Yeah.

Here's just, okay, so let me say the stat. A recent you go, well, I'm going to steal it from you. Found that 30% of people argue once a week or more, and 28% argue once a month or multiple times a month. 32% argue multiple times per year And only 3% say they never argue 7% weren't sure how much they argue I

I personally I think it just depends on the relationship Because we are both so strong-willed Like we're naturally going to argue more I always find it fascinating When people say they never argue Because then I'm like are you voicing your opinions Like

I'm trying to imagine a world where we wouldn't argue That feels we also I also want to use the word argue lately like you guys are seeing us in an argument at the moment So like differing opinions in frustration is like an argument for us it's not like a it's not a fight I would say we rarely fight rarely I would say maybe once a year yeah and it's hopefully decreasing Yeah it's the trend yeah I think I could I think I can count on one hand how many fights we've had maybe three stand out to me three That's the number. Emotion, literally, we're both overcome by emotions. Yeah.

And it becomes irrational and it becomes defensive and it becomes personal, everything. It's kind of hilarious to look back on it. It's like, that is such a ridiculous situation. Yeah. But I will say something, we've spoken to a lot of marriage therapists and we've had therapists on the show and every single one of them is like, arguments are natural and they're like healthy and it's just part of life. So don't be like, what's the word? Discouraged? There we go.

Dejected. Who usually starts most of our arguments? Me, 100%. Interesting. What do you think, Andrew? I was talking to my buddy Jared about this, and he says any issue he has with his wife, he'll bring it up. And I disagree with that.

Because what? Because Sean's like that. So any issue she has with me, she'll just unleash it. Yes. Go ahead. Can I say why? 100% please. Because I, here's my train of thought.

I spent my entire life being performance, like, driven, and all of my respect and all of, like, that I was given, like, all of the respect I was shown by people that I admired and that I loved, not my parents, was all performance given, like, performance-based. So for me, if I didn't perform well, I felt like I wasn't loved by my coaches or my, my, my, the selection committees or whatever. And I would go down very dark, like, mental pathways very quickly if I didn't have that, you know. Constructive criticism, feedback? Yeah. And so for me, it's like if I don't get it out, if I, if I keep my frustrations bottled up,

then I start going down this path of feeling like we are disconnected and not loving each other and not giving constructive criticism. So for me, it's kind of like, if I just like, if I have a frustration, I want to tell you right away, I want to brush it off or not brush it off, but like resolve it and move on. So it's a resolution and transitioning out of the argument that I want to talk about later because we're not great at that, to be honest with you. So there'll be several times throughout a day where Sean's like, I feel like, are you mad at me? like, what did I do?

And I'm like, no, I'm not mad at you. But then my succinct way of saying no makes her feel like I'm mad at it. So that happens literally five times a week. Is that probably accurate? Yeah, because you get in, but that's also one of the things we argue about, since this is the most common things we argue about, one of the most common things we argue about is Andrew has something going on. And it's very clear.

Like, I've been with you 10 years. I know your body language. I know when you're stressed. I know whatever. And I still just haven't been able to find the words to communicate to you. Like, babe, what's going on to cause you to like give off this vibe? And I think because you're so consumed with this idea of like I don't need to bother her with things. I'll just.

That's not. Babe, I think you give me too much credit with my emotional awareness. sometimes I'm like hey maybe I have e-coli which I did at one point and that's a whole another story then why don't you just say babe I think I have e-colai I'm saying but I don't always know like sometimes I'm just quiet sometimes I'm focused and just be like I am just feeling the framing also is something Sean and I working on where and so say I took a bachelor trip last weekend for my brother and instead of me coming back from that bachelor party and saying, babe, I'm so sorry I was gone all weekend, which we did for

the first five years of our marriage. I would come back and be like, thank you so much for letting me spend time with my brother. It was something I was excited about and meant a lot. And shifting it from I'm sorry to thank you, I feel like has changed how we communicate quite a bit because it turns from like this sad interaction to, hey, you supported me and you were a good teammate and I appreciate that and I recognize that and I won't touch you anymore. I'm sorry. So we, Sean, I think whether you bring up issues in the moment or like my style is to wait until like a pattern of behavior develops that I want to discuss with Sean. So like hypothetically if if Sean wasn't cleaning up a closet or something and there's just clothes everywhere, it wouldn't be like.

Which would never bother him in a millionaire. So I just want to like this is hypothetical isn't like something we have going on at our household But I wouldn't bring it up on day zero of like hey we're one hour in to Sean trying to close I would bring on up maybe like day three or five where it's like there's a massive pile of clothes Can we take care of us? I think what on hold on I'm saying this is my aspirations and arguments Okay the three we So that's a. stylistic difference, I don't think there's

a right or wrong way. I know, but I think what's funny is like that's exactly what I do, but you just see it as nitpicky. Like you think I just see something and I bring it up where like I've been seeing it. So then be strategic and when you bring it up.

This is another thing we argue. It's like Andrew has this concept as mine. Be strategic about when you bring it up. Like make sure you approach me in the most No, I said this one other time And that was two days ago

I know, but like you always want it to be An intentional moment Yeah No, no, no But what's what's so hard is like What's intentional for me Might not be intentional for you And I apologize, but I don't know

I don't know that part of you Well enough to be like, oh This is obviously the perfect time for him For me to bring up X, Y, and Z Like I don't know that And so when I do bring things up you have to give me the benefit of the doubt that I feel like I'm reading the situation well enough

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It's a game changer. So let this be your reminder to take care of yourself, slow down, and maybe try some therapy. And the best part is that it's much more affordable than interesting. person therapy. Give it a try and see if online therapy can help lower your stress. A couple of things is sponsored by BetterHelp and our listeners, you, can get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash EastFam. That's B-E-T-E-R-H-E-L-P. Check it out and let's get back to it. So let me share a couple piece of advice that we've received that has really helped me reshape my perspective on this. One was from actually Mark and B.C. Ballas

And he said that any criticism your spouse gives you, you should take to heart. Like, there's no one who has more of a front row seat to your life, your behaviors, your habits. Interesting. So you tend to do. Your choices. I'm saying, this is what I aspire to, babe. So, like, it's a responsibility for me to listen to what you're saying and say and think to myself, all right. That could be true.

I don't want to believe it. But it's also responsibility on you to use my words wisely. To use the words wisely to make sure that you are able to distinguish what's a good habit, what's a bad habit, what needs to be brought up, what doesn't. Is this a stylistic difference? Is it not? And also like, you know, we're growing together, right? So as we walk into parenting or as we walk into grandparenting or whatever, those things. are going to change a little bit right so you have to row yourself as we walk into grand parenting

I'm talking in a big picture um another couple pieces of advice that we were given that we love is owning your percent um and that's just like what owning owning owning up to it like being the first person to step up and say you know what I did that wrong that was me um yeah yeah The great thing is there's always two sides to every story. But if Sean says, hey, you didn't do this, I could be, she could only be 1% right, but I need to own that 1%, right? And be like, okay, yes. You have to be better about delivering it.

That's something we're working on. Instead of being the first person to walk up and be like, you know what, you didn't do this right, you should be the first person to walk up and be like, you know what, 1% of this was on me. And don't even say 1%, but like, in your mind, if you're like, I know I was part of it, be the first person to walk up and say, you know what, I did that wrong.

I'm sorry. Because it opens the floor. Yeah. I was like, oh, hey, I did, I actually did this wrong. It opens the floor, you know. Yeah. You're passionate about this. See, this is what I'm talking about transitioning.

We got to get over it in all seriousness. Yeah. The other thing is having a, think about this. What's the highest possible situation? what's the highest possible percentage situation that I could have Sean listen to a critique that I have and actually hear me? We do the monthly checkups because it's a time where we both understand, like, we walk into the conversation ready to receive feedback, which is not always the case. Like when I'm tired after a long day, I don't want to hear feedback all the time. And it's also a time where we put thought into, is there anything that happened over the past month that I would like to see changed from Sean's side?

another phenomenal piece of advice that we were given and this one we like actually had to practice doing firsthand and we we need to get better about continually doing it but it was one of our first marriage therapy sessions um after we were married and she said 99% of the time when your spouse is talking and it's in an argument instead of listening to what they have to say you're already creating your defense so you're actually creating your defense so you're actually actually not listening to them. And she said one very simple thing you can do is as soon as your spouse is done talking, repeat back to them, summarize to them what they said. And it's either going to go one of two ways. It's going to be right. And they're going to be like, yes, it's what I said. And then you proceed to like give your side of it, which usually de-escalates your emotions

to begin with and gives you more like level-headed answers. Or whatever you summarize back is going to be the wrong interpretation. and your spouse is going to get to have the chance to be like, you know what? That's actually not what I meant. I see that you interpreted it that way, but I actually meant it more on this side. And it firsthand, it killed the argument for us.

Like, it literally took any emotion out of it immediately, which is really cool. Yeah, because you just want to make sure that I know where you're coming from. And I know your side of the story. Yeah, in both ways. the side effect of that and this I would even categorize as a different point is only one person should should be griping at the moment like if it turns into Andrew you always put stuff on the calendar without telling me and then I go well Sean you always show up late then it turns into a bickering match and zero good things happen I show up late zero good things happen

So one person should be able to air out the beef. And the last thing is, Jordan Peterson says this. Try to criticize the smallest possible amount. This goes back to what Andrew was saying about blanket statements. We use that term a lot. We say that was a blanket statement, whatever. A lot of times you can get very carried away with exaggerating what's going on

and saying, oh, you never take out the trash. When actually that one day he didn't take out the trash or I didn't take out the trash. and we really, like, wanted that from each other. So critique, like, very small. Yeah, and this is where the precision of words helps, where it's like, hey, Sean, this morning, you told me you were going to take out the trash, and you didn't.

Take out the trash. That's your job version. What is that? Anyway, so it's like, that's actually helpful because it diagnoses a finite thing. Whereas, like, otherwise I'm like, Sean, you're lazy when I'm really, that doesn't address anything. What I'm trying to say is you didn't take out the trash.

And that, I think there is a approach of generosity that you owe your spouse. And here's the thing. If every quality is a range, every person lies somewhere on it. So there's good things, there's good qualities. Like, hey, Sean is extremely generous. She's super thoughtful. She's well planned out. organized but it's a range right so like of the max organized maybe she's here also she has

lazy qualities and she's disorganized sometimes and maybe she's on the on the far little end of that and it's my duty as your spouse to give you the greatest possible generosity in interpreting that so you could call me a hoarder because i accumulate more items than you do but that wouldn't be very generous you could say Andrew has some excess stuff you know what I'm saying and I think this is where like working on yourself this is where it takes self-discipline perspective and a little grit that you all your partner to be like you know what I'm gonna be generous we're married I'm committed to this for the relationship go ahead Mike's yours that was a tangent

I feel strongly about that I know we had a two month period we're arguing pretty good one month no and it was like we weren't very generous so why the heck wouldn't we be yeah we're freaking married we might as well make it a happy marriage

you know what if we're gonna be in this for life I'm just saying you gotta get better you are have fun there's an aspect of playfulness that needs to be injected and like it's not all that serious it's not all that big a deal so mike's yours babe wow you can get protein at home or a protein latte at tim's no powders no blenders no shakers starting at 17 grams per medium latte tim's new protein lattes protein without all the work at participating restaurants in

Canada. According to experts, the top three most common things people fight about are sex. Most arguments are driven by differences in wants, needs, preferences, and frequency. Money. Rarely do couples see eye to eye on all aspects of money, such as money management, goals, strategies, and processes, and then kids. Arguments about kids can happen before having them while trying to have them and commonly after they're born, especially like stylistically different, stylistic differences on like raising kids, disciplining children,

everything like that. And I would say we fit into these categories. I don't think these, all of these are like our most common, but I do think they bring out the most vulnerable sides of you, like of both of us and of people, which usually causes defensiveness, arguments, fights.

Yeah, it's so cliche of us to just talk about sex, money, and kids. Basic marriage problems. What? Dogs would be the other thing. Yeah, we did, we don't fight about the dog really anymore. No, because, no.

Because we had kids to take over that. But we fought about dogs a lot. That was probably our number one argument before we got married. It was about Nash. In the sense that, like, how to raise them, how to treat them. Needs, yeah.

The other common things couple fight about are divisions of labor in laws. Yep. Timing of life events, such as when to have kids, quality of time together, pet peeves, jealousy, friends, communication, work, control, and politics. A.K.A. everything. Interesting. I actually had the thought when we were writing these out, whether to list what people commonly fight about. because I don't want you to stare and think, oh, well, whatever me and my significant other fight about is on that list and that's not normal. Like, arguing about anything is normal.

I feel like we're still kind of in the power struggle phase right on the cusp of the acceptance phase of marriage where money. Did you read this in a book or is this your own list of phases of life? I aggregated these. You came up with these. So money is still kind of a power struggle thing. We don't necessarily see eye at eye on that. There's always going to be one person that is more the saver, one person that is more freely spending money. And what an interesting...

It depends on how you look at it. What? It just depends on how you look at it. I'll let you guys decide who you. you think is more of the saver and more of the spender in the family. But it's like, I think we're learning how to respect each other through that. Yeah, but I also, I think to a certain extent, we have differing opinions on the phases of life and the phases of marriage that you've

spelled out before because I don't believe the power struggle phase is like a phase of, I don't think you go through a power struggle phase to find out who holds the power in the relationship. No, not at all. So, like, the acceptance phase isn't like, oh, I'm just going to accept that, you know, I don't have any power or authority in this category. Correct.

So I think the power struggle phase is, I think, yeah, I might not agree with your phases. Well, let me just make sure that we have the same definition before we agree on the meaning or whether we agree. So I view. acceptance as this is Sean's style and doesn't need to be changed yeah because there are stylistic differences for sure don't need to be changed for sure so like if you don't like how I drive like maybe I pump the brakes too hard probably a stylistic thing like I'll try to

change that because I don't have buy into that but as long as it's like safe in the realm of safe then there are some things that don't need changing. That is something we argue about a lot. And just, it's just like, okay, well, that's fine. I accept that Sean pumps the break. It's too hard. Yeah. I just think the difference in, like, opinions here on the phase is,

I think it could be very easy for you to say, oh, I just know we're in the power struggle phase we're not going to see I-D-I but coming up next is the acceptance phase and that's just going to be like the easier side of life because we're going to be very accepting of each other and like all characteristics when I personally believe that marriage is a journey that kind of continues forever and I don't think you're ever going to come to a point where you're just like oh living in bliss because that's not who we are I don't think either of us and that's why we married each other are so just like peacefully go at the flow walk around accepting of the world like we we love

it and we're very like accepting that way not just non-judgmental but you and I marry each other because we're so stubborn and we love that we push each other and we love that we like philosophically debate things and that we constantly have differing opinions we love the challenge and so I just want to challenge you within that argument of don't ever sit there and say like oh we're on the cusp of acceptance and we're just going to like ride out to the sunset and be accepting of each other yeah we're accepting of each other but every day of our life we're going to be debating each other because it's just who we are yeah yes so but at what point are you like oh these are Andrews quarks that I want changed versus I love Andrew and how he drives.

And vice versa. Yeah, 100%. But that's what I'm saying. Like, I don't think there is a world in which we hit 70 and you're like, I just love every single aspect of Sean good or bad and I'm not going to challenge them. That's just not you. I'm not. I think we have differing.

opinions on what the acceptance phase is. I agree. I don't ever see us living in peace and tranquility. Never. Andrew, to give you an example of like this tiny argument that we've had and we continue to have. No, what is this driving? No. Okay.

Last night we were playing basketball. And I was like passing the ball to Andrew aggressively. And he's like, can you just like pass it to me nicely? And I was like, you know what? No, you didn't marry a delicate flower and you didn't choose one. You don't want that. Sean was literally hucking the ball of me. I'm five yards away.

And you love it. If I were to like nicely tosses you every time. I'm fine. You would be like, give it some oomph. You don't like delicate girls. That's why you chose. But you were really offended when I asked you to pass the ball delicately. It wasn't.

It wasn't. It's not that deep for me. It's not that deep for me, dude. It is. Because every once in a while, you'll ask me to be. You're hilarious, dude. You're like, took a person. Oh, he wants me to be like a ballerina.

No, I want you to freaking pass the ball a little lighter. No, you don't. I'm not asking you to change anything else. I'm not asking to, like, lose your muscle and strength. No, I just know you wouldn't like that. So if I start being some delicate little thing, you're going to be like, where's your, like, power and umph there? okay so do we go to bed angry in an argument if we're in an argument um i don't honestly think we have a stance on this i think it depends on the argument i think it depends on our mindset i would

be the one to say no i do not like going to bed feeling like we're in an argument that goes to that performance like driven or performance reliant love that I kind of struggle with I feel like if I'm not on good terms then I'm not loved and that's a personal thing that I have to work through but so if we ever go to bed angry or in an argument I feel like I'm like losing that relationship which is hard

but that's a personal thing we have gone to bed in arguments before and like resurfaced it the next day yeah sometimes sometimes time does help I think it's important to say hey we'll revisit this in the morning. Let's just let's just like pause right now. Because sometimes emotions can get out of whack.

Let's see. The pre-mental counseling, I feel like was huge for us in learning how to argue, like just understanding Sean's code and programming a little bit to see what she's going to be inclined to be like.

So our premarital counselor had to do all the personality tests and then he sat down with us and like literally just had one-on-one conversations with the other in the room. And it was like so interesting to see it's like Sean what you really want is like love and acceptance that's all I want me which is great what I want is respect yeah bro so that's literally that's literally us honestly yeah there's I think that's maybe par for the course between a husband and wife but knowing

that I need to protect that about Sean but still be able to bring up grievances when I have them, help me delineate things. Let's run through these last ones, just kind of summarizing, because I think you've gotten a good gist of our arguments. But do we get in arguments at, like, more during certain times the day? Yes, we always, our arguments always tend to happen late at night after the kids have gone down, and that's usually because we're tired, we're hungry, we're overwhelmed, or like,

whatever, and we just want love from one another, but we haven't. had the chance to kind of work through issues from the day or the week and it's just like it's the only time we get with one another so I would say it's usually when arguments happen and we try we try our best not to let

that happen anymore but that's usually the time of day um summer's here and you can now get almost anything you need for your sunny days delivered with Uber Eats what do we mean by almost well you can't get a well-groom lawn delivered but you can get a chicken parmesan delivered

A cabana, that's a no, but a banana, that's a yes. A nice tan, sorry, nope. But a box fan, happily yes. A day of sunshine, no. A box of fine wines, yes. Uber Eats can definitely get you that. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now.

Alcohol and select markets. Product availability may vary by Regency app for details. And when do we feel like we've argued the most? Dating, engaged, first married after kids. It's been pretty consistent, don't you think? yeah I think our most passionate arguments have come after kids and I the least contained at least yeah so fights more fights more fights of the three we've had two of them have come after kids and I think that's just because one we're more tired and two are more passionate now so before

you have kids everything can kind of be like oh just brush it off but with your children it's your children and there's like a sense of passion there that is very hard to come down from do you enjoy conflict or try to avoid it i try to avoid it probably same yeah conflict yeah some people enjoy it or some people are more wired to it i will say you enjoy debate which can lead to conflict easy yes um and then our thoughts on agree to disagree versus finding a compromise I oh yeah wow where would you find yourself here you can't always agree to disagree like there's some things like are we going to spend this money or not it's not like agreed to disagree it's a hat there I think I'm more of finding compromise guy because one I think it

I don't know this is probably stylistic thing but I think it maintains the union The compromise? Yeah, compromise. Like, hey, okay, collectively we decided to do this. And we both compromised. Yeah. You're agree to disagree? No, I think I'm finding a compromise.

I think we've both struggled with both, actually. Yeah. Because I feel like I can think of scenarios where I was more agreed to disagree, you are more agreed to disagree, but we both want compromises. Yeah. I think it depends on the same. situation but I do agree that I think a compromise is better for a marriage all right in summary I love marriage because it is a tool for growth and with growing comes growing pains

it's a responsibility to recognize where you need growth to have the self-awareness for that to have the discipline and the thoughtfulness for that. And it's also responsibility for me to have that same perspective of, I am Sean's husband and my goal is to help her grow, right? Yeah. And so I should not criticize unfairly. I should be thoughtful about when I criticize and I should really be encouraging her when she's trying to make changes, right?

Yeah. I would like to add an asterisk to that, though, because you're going to say things you regret. You're going to say things that you don't mean. You're going to get in arguments. You're going to get in fights. And you're probably going to argue about the silliest and dumbest things that you come back around to. And you're like, I am sorry. I don't know why I even said that.

And that's fine. It's normal. You're two different humans who have different opinions on a lot of different things. And it takes a long time to work through. If ever. But that doesn't mean you can't still love each other and be together. And yeah. I think anytime there's an argument, instead of getting discouraged, this is my challenge to myself.

It's more of a signal that there is something that needs to be worked out or discussed between us. Like calendars. Calenders, where it's like, okay, clearly this is an area. of immaturity for me, scheduling. Yeah, I didn't say that, though. How can I get better at this? With my motivation, largely being to respect Sean Moore. But it's like, I mean, the beautiful thing about marriage is you have a contract in place saying,

we're going to be together for the rest of our lives. Here's a piece of advice to end on. This is one for us, too. I wasn't done with my mic. I should share. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were done. I thought that was a period there.

Go ahead. At the end of every argument, you're going to be sometimes in a good place, sometimes still filled with piss and vinegar. Correct your tone, if only for a second. Humble yourself. Look your spouse in the eyes and say, in the most meaningful way you can.

I love you. and remind them that the argument had nothing to do with that ever and that had to do with some dumb thing the love was never in question yes we know how this argument ends and that's with us still married yes well with that we really came full circle i don't think you're mad at me anymore. You can touch me now. It's fine. Thank you for listening.

I would love to hear your thoughts. Obviously, Sean and I have a lot of things to work on here. Yeah. But we'd love to hear your strategies or what you've learned through arguing. We're only seven years into this. 10 years into this. Yeah, you're right. So thanks for listening.

I'm Andrew. I'm Sean. With East Fam. Ow.