Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 149 | I've been married to three different people

Episode Date: February 8, 2023

Do you feel like you’ve been married to multiple people based on how much your spouse has changed over the years? We do too! And we loved talking about it in today’s episode. We love learning and growing together, but it’s crazy to look back on all the years we’ve known each other and see how much we’ve changed since the very beginning. Hope you enjoy it!! Love, Shawn and Andrew This episode is sponsored by Oath Care ▶ For more information, you can check out their website http://www.oathcare.com or download the Oath Care app for FREE directly from the Apple App Store or Google Play at the link in our bio! This episode is also brought to you by Good Ranchers ▶ Snag your $30 off with our code EASTFAM at http://www.goodranchers.com today. Love in the air and it smells just like… you guessed it… Good Ranchers. This episode is sponsored by Apollo Neuro ▶ Our listeners get a special discount. You can save up to $50 by going to http://www.apolloneuro.com and using code couplethings50 This episode is also sponsored by Better Help ▶ Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/EASTFAM today to get 10% off your first month Follow My Instagram ▶ http://www.instagram.com/ShawnJohnson Follow My Tik Tok ▶ https://www.tiktok.com/@shawnjohnson Like the Facebook page! ▶ http://www.facebook.com/ShawnJohnson Follow Andrew’s Instagram ▶ http://www.instagram.com/AndrewDEast Andrew’s Tik Tok ▶ https://www.tiktok.com/@andrewdeast?lang=en Like the Facebook page! ▶ http://www.facebook.com/AndrewDEast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up, everybody. Welcome back to a couple things. With Sean and Andrew. A podcast all about couples. And the things they go through. Today we're going to talk about how we have been married to three different people. The second one was my favorite, by the way. That's awful. I'm kidding.

That's awful for so many reasons. Yeah. I don't even know what I meant when I said that. Sean and I are having fun doing these solo episodes. If you have any other topics you want us to talk about, please let us know. and if you like this show, go ahead and subscribe. I'm going to wait for a second so you can subscribe and also hit the thumbs up or give it a rating depending on what platform you're on.

But today, we have a fun episode, and it is all about how we've been married to different people and how in marriage, the goal is not to be the same person 50 years from now as you are today. It's to help each other grow. And so in that process, you kind of get married, married to different types of personalities. I distinctly remember when Andrew and I were dating,

he gave me this book called Meaning of Marriage and told me to read it. This is like before we started talking about marriage, but he just said it was, he thought it was important for our relationship. And I distinctly remember within that book, the author talks about how you're going to be married to different people.

You can only be, like, even if you're only married once, you're going to be married to different people over the course of your marriage. Because people evolve and they change. And life happens and that changes you. whether you like it or not, whether you're trying to change or not, and you have to accept that who you marry on the day of your wedding

isn't going to be the same person in seven years. And that should be a good thing. So Sean and I have, I hope this is obvious, only been married once, and that is to each other. But already seven years in, we feel like we've each changed so much and life has changed so much that it feels like we're married to different people. I feel like I could almost argue that we've been married to four different people. Do you have these broken down?

Yeah. It's going to be a lot. Whatever the numbers. It might be more than three. But the beauty of marriage is that who you say I do to on your wedding day is not going to be the same person that you spend the rest of your life with. And the important thing is that we're both looking to grow and mature and learn more about each other and ultimately become the best, most sanctified, most purpose-filled, most. generous, thoughtful people that we can be every day and help each other be there, right? Yeah.

I also want to ask you guys, too, who are listening, like, do you agree with this statement? We're going to, like, really break this down and go into what we mean. But do you think who it is you're with at this moment is the same exact person they were when you first started dating or when you were married? Please tell us down in the comments if this concept, like, resonates with you or not. I'm actually, we've gotten a lot of feedback that couples listen to the show together. So if you're with your partner, go ahead and pause and talk that over because it's kind of interesting thing to think about. Gently.

Don't let it bring up a weird argument. But let's start by talking about who we were when we met. Yeah. And then we'll walk through how we each change through the different stages of life. So when we were dating, it is so funny to think back. This was 2013. I was a sophomore junior in college

I was wearing those chute ponchos that you can buy like at the street markets in Mexico I had dreadlocks I had long hair This is not what we were dating I had dreadlocks before we were dating

I had long hair You had long hair And I was kind of like this foot loose And fancy free guy I had one t-shirt in my closet On purpose My nickname was bro Yeah

And I was playing college football And honestly, I don't think I was probably a very good boyfriend in a lot of ways. But at least if I was going to do the whole thing again, I would be a better boyfriend now. You would be a phenomenal boyfriend now. But I think that that goes into exactly what we're talking about. Like you evolved and changed and grew. I think an observation too from you or like from me about you is in the dating phase, you were just knowing you now you are so less confident in like who it who you were like specifically

you're still trying to figure out like what direction you're going to go and where your like morals and values truly like were planned I don't know you just were more uncertain I was like focus on football and trying to graduate which I was barely stumbling through at Vanderbilt barely cross the finish line in that one I would say too for me I would in the exact same boat but it looked different i was struggling to a certain extent because i was aimless i didn't have a job i had retired from gymnastics i really didn't know where i was living i was bouncing around l-a to des moines to nashville really just like searching in life for my next thing and i felt like i was in an identity crisis i i don't know i just i really didn't do anything

at all and you worked out i worked out a lot and when i was dating andrew back then my the most confident i felt in myself was when i was with you because i felt like i could you were the only outlet where i could just be me and be accepted for me and i had i just had massive scars of insecurity i saw i was going to say you were you're you're insecure Prevented you from Engaging with life Yeah Like you would meet a new friend

And the first thing is not Hey let me learn about this person It's what are they thinking of me Yes Which is like I'm glad we've grown out of that Well and I also think that's why Our dating life was

Kind of so special Because I think you were in a similar situation You weren't very like insecure or scarred that way But you were uncertain And I felt like whenever you and I were together when we were dating, we were like the truest forms of ourself. And it was really special. It was like the first time we had each decided to go on an adventure that we wanted to go on. Yeah.

And we did it together. Yeah. Which was really special. But we were both like figuring it out. Yeah. And living in a dorm room that whole time doing that. Yes. I would say, okay.

So my goals when I was a sophomore in college was I was trying so hard to. get my civil engineering degree so that I could build wells in a third war country like I thought how cool would it be to provide water to people who don't have access to it and like do that and then it's so funny that we get married and that totally heard the NFL and our marriage totally just like moves us in a different direction but I'm thankful for it yeah I truly think like the first versions of ourselves that we were within our relationship was just naive, insecure. We were both kind of lost.

Just kind of live in life or fun. There was not like a purpose to it yet or like a direction. But we were just kind of aimlessly gallivanting around life together and being kids. Which I think is a side effect of youth. Oh, for sure. I don't think there's anything bad with that. But it definitely for us was like... That's the biggest fly I've ever seen in my life.

I was just to say, what are you looking at? Do you see the fly in the top? left corner it's the biggest fly I've ever seen in my life on the light oh wow do you want to kill it what do I do it's huge you're really distracted by it so I feel like it's the size of a wasp hold on is it a wasp you good now I try to kill it earlier and come back to life again five minutes curled up and then it came back you're scarred it's scary because it's a biggest fly I've ever seen anyway sorry I don't think it's a bad thing that we were young, gallivanting around the world, whatever, doing aimless stuff.

I think that's great. But I think we're drastically different people than those people now. Yeah. I was singing this morning how interesting it is that the older you get, the closer you feel like you are to your purpose. Mm-hmm. The closer you feel like you are to providing value to the world. But like the physically worse you feel and like with kids, you have less energy to like go about executing that purpose.

You know what I'm saying? So I'm just pumped up. Like honestly, I am so fortunate that we've gotten to where we are in the timeline that we have. Because I think we have a bit of a runway left to like hopefully. continue speaking to this audience of people who want to be excited about families and want to make families a priority and like that's our goal is with every show we put out to to get people pumped up like how can we get people excited about this and it's not excitement because it's like easy or like laughing all the time it's exciting because it's important and it's it's like this

miracle to watch your spouse and your kids grow and change and improve day to day It's like a battle, but it's the best. TD Bank knows that running a small business is a journey, from startup to growing and managing your business. That's why they have a dedicated small business advice hub on their website to provide tips and insights on business banking to entrepreneurs. No matter the stage of business you're in, visit TD.com slash small business advice to find out more

or to match with a TD small business banking account manager. So, anyway, that leads us into person number two. Okay. This is your favorite person, evidently. No, I was kidding. So I think person number one, to kind of summarize, we are very naive, very young, very, like, smitten with each other. Both kind of aimless. Andrew was headed towards football.

I had quit working. I was not doing anything. Dating me was your full-time job. That was my full-time job. I did a couple of speaking engagements a year. That was it. and yeah that's that's all we did and it was great but then moving into engagement i think was our first massive transition of life because it was the first reality check of like oh shoot something big is

about to happen like commitment wise and it makes you start thinking about jobs and your future and your life together but for you you were going into the NFL so the draft happened um you signed with Kansas City and I started working again and that was a really big it was a really big year for us I actually view that as the like the year where you were almost all in on just supporting me in my dream which I'm so thankful for and the year of like brokenness and peak desperation for me I got cut after three months of being with the chiefs and I didn't know what I was going to do with my life so I was sitting on the couch while Sean was one supporting me but then you were also kind of doing your own thing occasionally so you would travel and um that was that was I think an

important phase for us to go through because you learned about me and how I deal with difficulties and obstacles in life there are certainly a lot that we went through that year with bouncing from team to team to team and I learned about you like wow this is actually someone who's I never thought this but but you're not just dating me because I was going to play in the NFL like you were there through the ups and downs which was so much fun to do together in retrospect well and I think too the transition side of that was if you look at who we were when we were dating those kind of like aimless people who were just having fun to the year that we were engaged that the commitment level was so much bigger because like we were engaged we were like committed to each other

and I did I was like okay your dream is the NFL you're going to bounce around now and try to make it work and it's now my job to kind of like support you be your cheerleader I started working again because you were gone so much and I wanted to kind of have that that purpose and drive again which completely changed my personality because I no longer was kind of aimless just being that like fancy free personality. I was working. I was back in the business world and I was being criticized and judged and I had expectations and pressures and trying to make sure I did everything in a good way for you as well. So I think our dynamic changed a lot. we we learned a lot about each other that year which then the third person i think would be marriage

which would be we were engaged for about a year and then we got married and that first couple months of marriage was like okay we know about each other and then how can we actually take that to the next level and like get involved in each other's lives so the i distinctly remember some of the conversations we had about finances and like again your insecurities of like um it was like a daunting subject for you talk about and you were shameful about it a certain degree and it was like no that that doesn't even factor in here it's like how can we actually just have a discussion about hey this is this is the game plan moving forward as a team or the discussions we had about there's a lot there's a lot of those we're blending

lives and making this happen together. I think a big change in the person I was that happened over the course of dating engagement to marriage was I feel like with my scars of insecurity and eating disorders and body image and everything just from gymnastics in my life. I've been very open about that. I felt like through dating and engagement, I tried very, very hard to mask all of it from you. I would talk about it every once in a while, but I felt like there was still that barrier of

I had to hide it because in the back of my mind I was afraid that if you really saw all of it you wouldn't stick around and I think marriage was this harsh reality of now that we're married you can't hide anymore there was nothing and so

when we started talking about finances and started uncovering more insecurities and traumas and scars it was a rough transition trying to be that vulnerable and almost feel like that that weak and small and grow back from it. I think we made the commitment and we were like all in on it, but we didn't understand how much of an honor it is that that commitment was a choice.

Like I feel like now we're at a point where it's like, hey, all right, we're married. Great. We can either kind of like resent each other and like only point out and say, see the flaws in each other or we can realize like wow this is very cool that we get to do this together and i think that's a phase we're at now which we'll get there uh at least for today yeah but marriage was definitely a transition and um yeah like there's there's just a lot of dynamics with even sex and like the body image stuff and like that topic with people's history with sex is like super layered like there's some people who have grown up thinking that it's a bad

thing and they're they don't want to be around it at all and there's some people that are shameful for whatever they've done in the past and there's i don't know it's just like there's working through a lot a lot and through the different phases of a relationship all of that becomes uncovered that's the goal that's the goal at least yeah but i feel like a lot of things things and speaking about like being married to different people I feel like with every vulnerability that becomes uncovered within a relationship someone changes they either become more free or more confident or more insecure insecure and that changes who they are I mean that changes how they act and how you perceive them and everything so I think with us going through the different phases

and unmasking more and more of each other and becoming more more of more vulnerable empowered both of us to become stronger people more opinionated more vocal more like set in our ways and our foundations and i think you you start off as this dating couple that's like aiming to please one another and you mask a lot of things and then as your relationship grows you start i mean we've seen it firsthand within marriage you start budding heads more and more because you become more confident in who you are and that's harder to work through. Oh, that's an interesting thought.

In my efforts to make you more confident, it creates more conflict? Yeah. Wow. And vice versa. I got to think about that for a second. Well, it's the same with you because you have unlocked

a confidence within me that I lacked for so long. And I would say the same with you. Like when we started dating, you were uncertain and going into the NFL, you did go through brokenness. And when you were coming out of the NFL, going through the transition of trying to find a career and how to lead a family and all of these things,

you've now gotten yourself to a point where you are the leader of our family and you're so confident and you're confident in yourself. And we butt heads because of it. Not because you're a leader, but because we've both created such, like, strong individuals. Yeah.

We've supported each other to a point where we're both freaking stubborn. let me put it I think as I'm reflecting on our first year of marriage I would put it this way marriage inevitably brings out the true habits the true lifestyle the true choices that the other person makes and I think we were in the phase at first year where we were trying to like hide some of our more shameful things but now we realize that you can't improve or you can't get to know each other or you can't even start a meaningful conversation unless it's based on truth and honesty candor let's call it so you start at a place of candor and we realize

hey sean i forgot to take the kids to school today as opposed to me saying lying in some form it's like i'm being honest how do we move forward from this it's like i think we're more willing to start with the honesty as opposed to start with our selfish I don't want her to think poorly of me or I don't want her to think mad of me. We're still aspiring to be there, but, man, it's exciting when you think about the fact that you actually can improve. You can change, you can grow. You have to be courageous enough to start with the honesty and to realize that, you know what, Sean has some flaws. Andrew, not as many, but I get it.

I do want to reflect back, though, on the three different people that we talked about because I think the first, first one was the easiest the first people we were less least complicated least complicated and but just least complicated because of life um i think the hardest was marriage because that truly was our transition within our relationship where everything became unveiled we were all of our insecurities were out there we were going through very hard phases of life i was working full time you were trying to fulfill your dream it was very difficult and I think my favorite so far wasn't number two but it's number four which is I'm adding which I think is after kids okay why because all of those insecurities that we went through the stubbornness the confidence that we've like helped each other

grow into definitely is like at an all-time peak right now because we're so protective and opinionated over the future of our kids but I feel like we're fulfilling our purpose now together and to look back at all these people that we've kind of become and morphed into and gone through it's really cool to see where we've wound up I will say though I say this a lot time it's different being married to a mom yes it is and maybe it's different being married to a dad but like you when you become a mom I was like all right uh I'm not joking around with the kids like there's no practical jokes with the kids because it's gonna end in an argument stuff like that obviously I've never done like a practical joke but I agree like a mom is different you mean business you do

you're the mama bear but you also have to think taking a step back yes it's hard and I will openly admit that it yes it would be hard to be married to a mom especially like me because I'm very opinionated and protective over our kids but can you also say it's pretty cool to see no no I'm not saying this in a weird way I'm saying it like I'm proud to look back at who I was when we were dating and I was so meek and I was so intimidated and I was so insecure and all these things and now I'm like I don't give a crap it's all for our babies and it just feels good it's great I I'm trying to just walk with me through the stop process so we've you mentioned that the in the college days dating was the easiest is the least complicated we had the least

no number of commitments yeah right I was playing football and doing school I had pretty much two commitments you had you we've grown to have more commitments so now we have we have the kids we have each other like marriage has become a legal commitment right in a way the dating never was we have family in town your parents are here we have like payroll and employees we have all the different stuff yeah the moving parts in our life we have probably threefold the number of commitments and due to those commitments the potential opportunities in the world has decreased for us which is probably a good thing right and it's allowed us having fewer opportunities has allowed us to have a clear vision of what opportunities we want to pursue

and what we want our life to look like which is an interesting side effect of having more commitments is you have fewer random opportunities to pursue which allows for clear vision. Yeah. Reading, playing, learning. Stellist lenses do more than just correct your child's vision. They slow down the progression of myopia. So your child can continue to discover all the world has to offer through their own eyes.

Light the path to a brighter future with stellar lenses for myopia control. Learn more at slur.com. And ask your family eye care professional for SLOR Stellas lenses at your child's next visit. and I agree with you that that can be um cause hardheadedness because you have a vision I have a vision so how do we actually make those blend fortunately we have a pretty good dialogue going for how we can support each other like how we can have a give and take but I think we both feel there's a story about Nehemi in the Bible where he's building a wall and people come to him as he's building the wall and ask him to do something else,

meet a group of people, whatever it is. And he was like, I cannot come down. I'm doing a good work. I can't stop what I'm doing because what I'm doing right now is important. And I feel like we both have that to us. Whereas before we didn't have, we were just blown with the wind. But now we feel like what we're doing with our kids, what we're doing with our marriage, with our work,

is purposeful and important and you cannot distract away from that we will not allow people to distract away from that it gets me hyped it gives me hyped it's also more difficult now than ever though it's more difficult now than ever I agree and

I have said this before in other episodes but I think if I look back at all of the people we've been all the, the, the milestones and transitions and things we've gone through, I laugh at, like, giggle at our wedding day, because I've said this before, and it sounds weird, but standing at the altar, I thought there was no way I could love you more than I loved you then. Like, I felt like I was on top of the world, and I was just, just head over heels in love with you and looking knowing where we are today I like giggle at

that because it was so little like we've gone through very challenging times and dating being married to four different people is hard because you have to like yeah the transitions are not on each other it's not in the same timeline either like Sean will fully become a mom like pretty much the day the first gate is born and I don't feel like I really became a dad until maybe a year after yeah I didn't have that as an identity well so then there's like a lag period of like Sean's a parent I'm still acting like a chuch like kidless you know husband and there's a lot of conflict that occurs I think another way to look at that too is like you go through different journeys of life spouses at different times so when I wasn't working and doing anything at all

Andrew was in like full on getting his NBA, playing football, doing all these things. And then Andrew tried to go for the, like you started into the NFL and I started working. I, my work then took off and you got cut. And so you were like in a low and I was on high. And then it just kept like reversing. We were always like opposite of each other. But which made it hard for the dynamic of the people we were, but also made it really good because one of us always had that foundation that was. solid at one point in time to support each other like emotionally yeah but going back to what

i was saying is like looking back at who we were on our wedding day i just giggle because going through all of these ebbs and flows and heart like hardships in life has made me love you a million times more than i ever loved you at our wedding day and i thought that was like the most i ever could i thought like my heart was so full then but it's it just continues to grow you want to make got right now. I love him, baby. I love him, baby. I don't give me. Jeez. I was talking to Dr. Oster about this. Like, what is it about parenting that creates such strong opinions? Like, moms have such stylized, wow, I can't believe you gave your kids milk. It's terrible for him or whatever. Like, and she talks about this, this concept that as humans, when you invest in something,

your buy in your love for it your affection for it actually grows so like when you have increased cost to something your care for it also increases so for us we've gone through the stuff like there's a lot of costs that have been incurred in our marriage there is but as a result our care for each other has also increased which is kind of a fun thing that's how it is with kids Like those sons of guns are not fun all the time. Yeah. But you pour so much energy into them. You're like, well, I better love them, you know?

Yeah. I guess it's like a subconscious thing, but it makes me think of the quote, to know is to love. And like, whether it's this weird psychological thing or not, the process of buying into something unlocks a quality of love that you otherwise can't get. And I'm excited for the future phases that we have to get. I'm excited for the that that that cost gets me excited about the future obstacles in a way because I'm like man it's going to help me love you better like I'll probably learn something

new about you I'll probably it's a fun thing to hold your hand through life and I'm thankful that you that you've been patient enough to do that same thing with me so here's to what we're on the fourth iteration of each other here's to the fifth we're whenever that comes around, babe. I think, too, it's also cool to think about, follow me through this thought process as we close. I feel like there's two different ways to look at life in general. Glass half full, glass half empty, right?

And I feel like so much of the world likes to get stuck on this concept of when the honeymoon phase is over, it all falls apart. But I think the way I look at this, as we've, like, written it out, is our honeymoon phase was just not us. That's when you're trying so hard to do nothing but impress the other person by morphing who it is you are as like a real human. And I think the honeymoon phase is fun, yes. But now with every iteration of people we become, like you said, you get to know each other more. And instead of looking at that as like, oh, the honeymoon phase is, like, oh, the honeymoon phase.

over we've chose to look at it as I know you so much better now and because that I love you more it's amazing it is humbling though I've said this before it's a responsibility knowing that in marriage transitions occur identity shifts occur and I am the person that most has influence over who you next become and you have the most influence on who I next become. So how can I best prepare myself to change you for the better? How can I manifest you to like buying jewelry? I will never become that person. I'll work on it.

Except. Phase 10 of Andrudeyne. Ordering this little. Tracker did a partnership with Gucci. You should get it for me. I was looking at it's kind of dope. It is? It's not jewelry.

I wouldn't call it jewelry. But anyway. It's a ring. It's not jewelry. Partnered with Gucci? It's an accessory. That is so much. What a strong way to finish the episode.

Yeah. Listen, there's a lot of content on the internet about, yo, this is how you can improve your life with business and make more money. And that's the best way. Like self-improvement is hustle and freaking wake up earlier and work out and get shredded it's marriage that's the best way to do it commit and you're watching a lot of hype videos on youtube specifically one that he has on repeat there is

nothing like it it is the most humbling i would be such a douche if i was not married i am a douche still i'd be more of one if i wasn't married and with that we're done i'm still going i'm still going babe. I'm on a rant. I know. Don't cut my rant. You're trying to create some hype video on YouTube. We're done. Thank you for listening. I feel that way.

Quit focusing on the freaking side effects when you can get the main thing. You over it? Sean's done. Thank you for listening. That's all we have. I'm Andrew. I'm Sean. It's the Eastray.

I'm out. Great moments are born from great opportunity. That's what we've earned here tonight, men. No, no, that's what we have here tonight, men. That's what we've earned here tonight. Nine times out of ten, they beat us. But not tonight. Wait, what's your speech at your high school?

Oh. If you think you're a beating you are. If you think you dare not, you don't. If you like to win but think you can't, it's almost a sense you won't. For out in this world, you're fine. success begins with the fellow's will it's all in a state of mind if you think you're beating you are if you think you dare not you don't if you'd like to win but think you can't it's almost a sense you won't if you think you'll lose you've lost for out in this world you'll find success begins with the

fellow's will it's all in a state of mind if you think you're outclassed you are you've got to think high to rise you've got to be sure of yourself before you can ever win a prize Life's battles don't always go to the stronger, faster man. Sooner or later, the fellow who wins is the fellow who thinks he can. What do you mean? You're sitting here with freaking sunglasses inside. Who's weird? Freaking.

Who's weirder? I'm hyped. I'm on one, dude. I got a good wife. Thank goodness. Yes. I got a good wife. good freaking wife

and I want more of that you want more of that