Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 175 | soulmates don’t exist.

Episode Date: August 16, 2023

In today’s episode we tackled the controversial question, Does THE ONE exist? We shared our opinions about whether or not you can have multiple soulmates, if non-romantic soulmates are possible, choosing to love your spouse and more! Let’s just say, Andrew was really passionate about this one. Let us know your thoughts on finding “the one” in the comments! We would really love to hear your opinion on this topic! This podcast is sponsored by Better Help! Visit https://BetterHelp.com/EASTFAM today to get 10% off your first month. Stop throwing your money away. Cancel unwanted subscriptions and manage your expenses the easy way by going to https://RocketMoney.com/eastfam. This episode is also sponsored by Needed! Use code FAMILYMADE for 20% off at https://thisisneeded.com Love you guys! Shawn and Andrew  Follow My Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/ShawnJohnson Follow My Tik Tok ▶ https://www.tiktok.com/@shawnjohnson Like the Facebook page! ▶ https://www.facebook.com/ShawnJohnson Follow Andrew’s Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/AndrewDEast Andrew’s Tik Tok ▶ https://www.tiktok.com/@andrewdeast?lang=en Like the Facebook page! ▶ https://www.facebook.com/AndrewDEast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. What's up, everybody? Welcome back to a couple things. with Sean and Andrew.

A podcast all about couples. And the things they go through. Today is a topic, I feel like we both believe the same thing in. I guess we're going to find out. We're going to find out. But it's does the one exist? That's right. This can be a controversial topic, to be honest.

It can. Depending on who you ask. A lot of people have a lot of opinions about this. some people believe that there is one soulmate out there for you to find romantically. Other people believe that you might have multiple soulmates that you could potentially marry, and some people don't believe soulmates exist at all. So let me just ask you, as you're listening to this, do you believe in soulmates? Do you think it's like, you know, as you were born, someone else who's a perfect match is also out there for you, you know?

and going even further if you're going to go like the religious side do you think god made one person just for you yeah my thoughts on this have really developed over the past six months as i've been thinking about what is the word faithful mean but we're going to get into that we're going to i know i know are you interested now faith there's your hook um first what is a soulmate for any of you who are a little confused right now by definition of soulmate is an intense connection where both people feel deeply drawn together as if the affair was somehow destined to be destiny generally Sean and I in the rest of our life I don't really believe like in a preset destiny I haven't put that much thought into us like even

predestination obviously that's a hairy topic that is a hairy topic you know if you're religious but which we are no but some some I know some people believe in predestination some people don't right i know i know i believe life's kind of an adventure and we're all just kind of taken one step at a time but like career wise like do you think you were destined to go the olympics no what do you think how do you think that went down i think i was given a talent like innately and i fell in love with it and worked really hard and the work got me there but I oh my gosh

this is this is wild I feel like you can go down so many different paths in life right every single decision changes your fate

your destiny basically I think of that movie with Emily Blunt and born Matt Damon right okay no I'm not tracking

but go ahead I have to find it where basically their life is mapped out. Okay. We're looking it up right now. I'm curious what this is. The Adjustment Bureau?

Yes. Nice. Where it's basically, it's like this whole movie on, they went different paths, but they keep running into each other. And it's almost like, they weren't the original plan,

but they were a different and better one. I don't know how to say that. I just think you can go down so many different routes and you can make life so beautiful in so many different ways. It just depends on which route you choose. I think with your career specifically, like, yeah, you had a talent. I think there's an element of luck that you stumbled into finding gymnastics, which was a one illustration of how you could use your talent or your genetics or your, you know,

mental capacity kind of thing. And I think there is an element of luck in marriage, too. But I think it's like, which came first to chicken or the egg? So it's like there's a little bit of luck to find someone who's also down to play ball romantically, right? Who's into it and invested. But then you start creating your own luck. And I'm going to go on a ramp. I'm going to go on a rant here in a second.

Same. Can I start? Are you got it? No. Let's do some stats first. And then we'll share our personal thoughts. Are you good with that? And then we'll see what Instagram has to say because we did a poll on that.

So anyway, UGov surveyed about 15,000 U.S. adults, okay? 60% of Americans believe in the idea of soulmates was one of their findings. Also, about a quarter, 23% exactly, say that they don't believe in soulmates and 18% are unsure. So the majority of Americans believe that soulmates do exist. 23% say they don't. That's our breakdown. Women, 64% of them are more likely than men, 55%

to say that they believe in the idea of a perfect romantic match. So 64% of women say that they believe in a perfect romantic match, 55% of men do. Interesting. I don't know really how that applies. but you read the next one. This poll also found that a person's relationship status impacted their beliefs about soulmates. Americans who are in a partnership, 66%, were more likely than those who are single, 49% or divorced, 52% to say that they believe in the idea of soulmates.

Oh, wait, let me think about that. So if you're in a happy partnership, you then believe, you're more likely to believe that soulmates exist. Oh, I have so many thoughts. If you're single, 49% of those people believe that soulmates exists, but divorced. So it's almost like divorced people say, oh, that person wasn't my soulmate.

They're more likely than... I was going to say, are they divorced or single? I mean, I know there's so many circumstances, but are they single or divorced because they believe in the one? Or is it a retroactive thought that, like, oh, I feel better about this

by telling myself that that person wasn't the one? for me yeah I have so many thoughts on this okay well we'll finish these survey results okay among those who call themselves hopeless romantics hopeless romantics 64% say that they believe in soulmates in a previous poll from 2018 60% of Americans believe it's better to hold out for a soulmate rather than settle for someone less than ideal wow interesting Amir Levine is a psychiatrist and the co-author of the book Attached the New Science of Adult Attachment and how it can help you find and keep love. And he says, he doesn't say much, actually. That part's missing.

Okay, here's my thought on the one. I think that in marriage, unlike any other area of life besides faith, you are putting the cart before the horse, meaning I am committing to this relationship no matter what happens. I am going to say that you're the person for me that I'm going to die with despite what happens. That's how I approach it, where it's like, yeah, I'm all in. As soon as we, as soon as we're at the altar, I say, you're the one. And then I let, I let my action, and commitment follow that mindset right so it's not oh and my feelings follow that as well it's not my feelings then allow me to feel like you're the one it's the me convincing myself it's almost like

brainwashing yourself you're the one for me and then everything else follows but then it starts to build positive momentum because i'm like yeah sean is the person for me i'm committed to her And so then my feelings do feed into, so it reciprocates. You see that? Yes. What are your thoughts? I think the idea of the one is very, very toxic. Very toxic.

Because I feel like we live in a culture and society where it's like you'll know you're in the right relationship when you don't have to try, work, argue, or go through any pain. And I feel like you're seeing this trend unfold within today's world of as soon as things get hard people leave because they're like, that wasn't the right person for me. Do I think that when you are looking for a spouse, you're looking for compatibility? Yes. But do I also believe you are compatible with multiple people in the world? Yes. Do I think you could marry and have a fulfilling life with multiple people in the world? yes but whichever one you choose whichever one in your mind you find and you're like

I'm choosing for better for worse through whatever pains this is going to be my person for the rest of my life I don't think you find someone in an instant are like this is the one God made this human only for me. I think that is just very toxic and very scary. It's almost like an excuse people use. It's important because it reshapes conflict. Like how many arguments have we had in our seven years of marriage? Believing that you're the one for me,

as soon as I commit, like, but when we're dating, I don't believe in the one. now that we're married I believe that you are the one for me right so I do believe in the one in that capacity but I'm the one because you chose me right not because you think I am the only one that exists for you because destiny or God

like created you to be my perfect match right that is an important differentiation and it also reshapes arguments I think to go from hey I believe in the one and I'm looking for this person who there's just harmony with and we we like resonate with each other so well and we play off each other and a conflict

is a hurdle to me making that argument to myself and convincing myself that this person is the perfect match for me now arguments as soon as we're married and I choose you to be my one just are like hey this is part of the ride and this is no big deal it changes it from we're arguing because in the back of my mind I have doubt that he's actually my person to we're arguing we're going to figure this out it minimizes that argument yes and that's where I say it's like toxic because if you wander around this world dating people and you have this long list that we've talked about of this person needs to be x y and z and you're just unable to find someone out there in your mind you're like I know they're there there's that one person

person I need to find who will be absolutely perfect. Nobody's perfect. You're not going to find a spouse that is absolutely perfect. It's not possible. We are all human and we live in a corrupt world. It's so fascinating because I think of our marriage and I appreciate more now than ever the fact that every day it's important for me to try to wake up and say, say, hey, I'm not sure if the one exists. I'm going to act like it doesn't so that Sean, I earn Sean's love. Not that I need to, but like I earn Sean's love and I show her that I love her because there is no perfect match that like it just happens coincidentally.

But resting assured that like my choices then. make you my one. So, going off of that, if you and I are both saying the same thing, which is we don't really believe that the one exists, do you believe that love is then a choice? Or is love an innate feeling that you only feel with the perfect person? I think there's different shades of love, right?

Lust is like a feeling, right? Yes. You can look at someone and be like, oh my gosh, I'm attracted. And you've never felt that except for looking at. at me only you baby ever you're the apple of my eye same baby so that's one shade of love right because the physical aspect does play into marriage but i think what overshadows that completely is this idea of to know is to love yes and to know somebody takes work and effort and dedication and commitment and that's a choice so i do think love is a choice

there's so much sacrifice like every day it's like all right yeah I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do what it takes for Sean today well and you and I have talked about this a lot where I think there's a difference between if you're listening and you're newlywed or newly dating and you have that lust

you have that fire of like oh they could do nothing wrong well we're 10 years in and we're kind of past that I still look at you and I'm like holy crap like I was sitting in the car as you're trying to shove your feet into your shoes today and I was like I was smitten I was like that's my guy but that's a choice right but what I was going to say is I have learned firsthand over the seven years we've been

married 10 years together of like you can get into these rhythms where you either wake up every day and choose to only focus on the negative on the things that make us rub and the things that make us argue and the things that we disagree on and the fact that you put your shoes on the table or whatever it is. And if you wake up every day continually focusing on that, you will very quickly fall out of love with someone.

Or you can choose to wake up every day and look at your spouse and be like, I am smitten with that person because you're making that choice to see the positive. and Andrew and I talked about this before the repetitions of that create this love of such appreciation and respect

that you do see flaws absolutely but it makes the flaws more minimal whereas like the pros are larger we read in our morning devotion the other day like I see who Sean is becoming now and that excites me more than

whatever flaws Sean has so it's like my perspective is now I'm so excited about who Sean is becoming and these little flaws are just hurdles for us to get there I could see say we go through a really rough patch for a long time those flaws get exaggerated and amplified

and then I could lose sight of who you're becoming right and only have visibility on your flaws that's the only thing I could see so it's like it is a really fragile thing maintaining that positive momentum that spirit of generosity towards each other of like oh sean messed up but she didn't mean to she's going to do better next time right that's that's really fragile well and it's really hard to come back from a path that you take where you start thinking or questioning your choice and your person kind of like we were saying we don't believe that there there's only one person out there but we believe that after you make a choice

that is the only person for you does that make sense that sounds yeah that the feelings follow the commitment yeah I didn't start dating you and I didn't agree to marry you because I thought you were the only person that I could ever be with and be happy but the day that I said I do

I said I'm going to figure out how to make this work for the rest of our lives no matter what you're gonna you're gonna make me the one I'm going to make you the one and the only one for me because if you start going down this road in your mind kind of like I was saying

if you wake up every day looking at flaws you start going down this path of questioning and of doubt and of resentment and all of that builds to this

I bet there's a better person out there there. Like we're also pliable and moldable and we all want to serve each other if you just operate under that

you're like how can I be a better person for you it usually works out pretty well you're preaching today and you're verbalizing this much I wanted to do this show and now I can't formalize my thoughts but it is like dating it's this really fun sampling period of like oh hey could I spend 50 years with that person could I spend 40 years with that person you know however long your marriage lasts

until they close the coffin on you it's like sampling sampling sampling you're never going to find a perfect choice choice. And I think Sean and I have grown into being advocates for like moving forward with getting engaged and getting married after a reasonable period of time. Once you kind of know whatever, 60% of who someone is, I don't know how you measure that, but like once you have a grasp on how someone operates, how they make decisions, where they place their values, what their priorities are, then it's like, all right, if you're comfortable with that,

and they get along with your friends and your family likes them, just go ahead and get married because it's like you plant, as soon as you plant your flag and say, this person's for me, your mind shift shifts. I feel like you shift from

the sampling period of like, oh, hey, do those flaws annoy me too much or is that too bad? Am I going to be able to deal with that? To focus being, all right, let's freaking go. you're my teammate we're going to ride or die let's go well and you and I have talked about this before

I think that's where a lot of couples go wrong who decide to get engaged or they're seriously dating with this idea that they're going to get married but they keep delaying it they stay engaged for four years five years six years whatever it is or they date for 10 years

because they just need to make sure and it's like the only thing you're making sure of is that you have more and more doubt by the time you get married. You're going to expose more and more of their flaws that then convince you less that they're the person for you.

Whereas if you were a year in and you're like, I'm committing to this person and I know in the next 10 years a million more flaws will present themselves but I'm willing to take that on then you're making a choice that that person is your person. But people get stuck in this rut of like, well, we've been together 10 years.

We decided to move in together because I wanted to see if we were compatible, if he was truly my person or she was my person or the one or whatever. If you're constantly thinking that and questioning it, it's like you're putting so much doubt in that person's ability to love you that it doesn't make them the one. It's so interesting. It really is a psychological game that you play for, yourself of like hey no matter what no matter if sean's a good kisser or whatever baggage she brings in the relationship I'm convincing myself that you're the perfect match for me

so it's like it exists in theory yeah in marriage after you've been at the altar but I don't think you should go through dating thinking that there's a one that you're trying to find does that make sense yes so I'm enjoying exploring this topic same this least And this leads me to two questions for you. The first one being, the day you decided to propose, why, how did you get there? Was it because in your heart you were like, God brought me that one person made for me?

Or, like, what went through your mind? Honestly, it's retrospectively now. Like in the moment, there's so much excitement about, like, you know everything that was going on but there's a handful of moments that i think highlighted qualities of you that i admired and respected and loved i talked about the first night that we met you smiled like this adorable smile of like it was just okay she's a little wrapped in like all these Hollywood things but underneath that is like this precious tender person that's what I saw in that smile right it's like a signal of what I saw and then I saw you interact with my family and my

mom and my parents and it was like great she can hang that I know that you know in the first five minutes are you hanging with them and then I saw you with your dog and I saw you with your work and like honestly I pretty much knew after seeing you once in each of those situations in different environments how you were. And it's like, okay, great. Now it's, I probably drag my feet too long

because I wanted to graduate college. I wanted to sign my first contract. But it was all these subtle qualities that I saw displayed by you in different environments. Which is why I think dating, it's like, yo, let's like do different things. Don't just do dinner in a movie.

you like try different iterations so you could see the person and how they respond to different situations. Which, putting it back on me is like, why would I, why did I say yes when you proposed? What went through my mind was not

he's the one. It was like, when you're faced with that question of like, will you marry me? Will you spend the rest of your life with me? It's exactly what you're saying. I went through this like archive quickly of all these different scenarios and I was like you know what yeah I am willing I've we've

tested it out to where I feel like in every situation you and I can figure it out and I remember thinking yes I will do life with you but it wasn't just like this blindly like oh he is the one it's it's an active choice of like could I see myself working for this for the rest of my life with him so yeah it's so interesting because some people look towards what I think are derivative I don't want to use the word silly because like everyone prioritizes different things but like different things to convince themselves of a match where it's like, you know, some people are big into astrology and like, oh, she's a tower. I don't even know what, a freaking.

Capricorn, just like me. Or like, we shared the same birthday or she's from the same city or we went to the same college or we both like the same band or, you know, we had the best physical night we've ever had, like all these different things that are not the main thing. because like if you think about okay you're pregnant right now we're just having less physical intimacy than usual is different these things change right the astrology freaking qualities you read the horoscope every day that's something different every day I just think keep the main thing the main thing which is like what is the essence of Sean you don't like when I touch you no I just think it's funny it's like you're always like

like who is she how what's her operating system and another question i have what well i was just going to go on a ran about like this does parallel for me to faith in regards to god because like i've grown to appreciate the fact that no there's no argument scientifically for believing in god right you could look at whatever and it's like there's there's arguments for both sides you have anecdotal stories of how god changed people life people's lives and you have scientific data of like you know why whatever happened that could explain those anecdotal stories so faith for me is nothing more than a choice it's like it's just saying to yourself I believe that there's a purpose and a hope

for what's going on there's a bigger picture it colors in everything that's going on I think it parallels to marriage really well it's like I'm faithful that there is a purpose and a hope through this argument I'm making the choice

it's nothing more than a choice like a hat that you put on or glasses that wear a certain filter of like optimism and it's like okay yeah great

like that our buddy Ryan just moved moved in MG and we were talking about how man there's all these hurdles of like they didn't get their house rented this contract fell through there's a lot of back and forth of like he got the job and they didn't get the job like all these quote unquote signs of why he shouldn't take that job and make the move but I'm saying what faith is is putting on the glasses of like oh but there also were a ton of positive signs of like wait it was crazy that he got to the job then he didn't get the job then he got the job like that's a sign if you're believing in

signs that he should take the job or like this house did become available or that school did have room for their kid it's like which are you going to look at the positive side of things that move you towards a closer direction or the negative side of things do that make sense yes I think it's a way different way to live life and I'm applying that to marriage I have two questions for you. All right, I'll stop interrupting. If you believe in soulmates and your spouse passes away, can you find another soulmate?

Or would your next spouse not be considered your soulmate? I guess it would be your next spouse would not be your soulmate. That's the only... And I think that clearly goes into what we're saying. I don't believe in a soulmate because you can have the most beautiful life with your spouse. and when they pass away you'll have this hole but I believe you can find another person

that you can do just as beautiful of a life with which would contradict the whole idea of the one anyways we could probably rant on that some more but next one I'm curious what you think of this what if you were married

and felt that you met your actual soulmate later in life Would this lead to divorce? Do you think people would justify it? So you're saying I'm married and I meet some other girl? You think you meet your soulmate? I think the mindset of thinking that would lead to divorce. Go ahead.

I have more. I agree the mindset would lead to divorce. But I think it's your mindset that would allow you to feel like you even met your soulmate while being married. right because if you're married and you somehow find yourself into a situation thinking this person is actually my soulmate your mindset is wrong to begin with yes i agree you shouldn't be putting yourself in that situation you shouldn't even be looking around another option like i'm again you can be attracted to a lot of different people but it's like as far as marriage fidelity it's like bro i got the blinders on i'm not even thinking i'm so glad we spend all day together too because like you know some people don't but it's like i don't even like you're it it's all i'm not looking at anything else well and again guys it's we've seen this firsthand happen and it's like the second you allow yourself to not be committed mentally to go down these resentment paths or these only seeing flaws or doubting that you actually made the

right choice in your spouse or whatever it is as soon as you make that choice to go down that path nothing good really comes of it so it's like a form of mental discipline it is because the second you put doubt into your spouse into your choice you doubt everything everything you start doubting your intimacy you start doubting whether it's good you start doubting life in your career choices and you start doubting the time you're spending like you start doubting everything to where you find yourself at a bar sitting next to a ground you're like wait is I actually supposed to marry you oh you're making me laugh a lot yeah which I haven't done with my spouse in a while like oh my gosh this is interesting because it also brings up in my mind the idea of like a prenuptial agreement right in some ways where that is to some degree holding on to this trust that you have different feelings about it I think prenupts are really hard because a lot of times they don't actually come from the spouse they come from the spouse's family but you see my point let's just say let's just say that it was hypothetically from the spouse and they're like hey

I'm going to just make sure that Should something hypothetically go bad But that that creaks the doubt door open Well, and let's just put this all out there I don't know if I ever told you that The financial advisor that I had back in the day When we were talking about engagement And we had gotten engaged

Actually breached that topic with me And he said we should do that? He said he recommended that I have you sent Guys, I didn't have much to my name So this is kind of comical but he said you should sign a pre-up for like your medals your estate like everything that I had at the moment and it was funny to me it really took me back because I was like no what is mine is yours that's what I'm agreeing to I'm not agreeing to go into this relationship knowing that I have my stuff

and you have yours you're saying I'm pushing all the chips to the table and that's a different psychological experience of saying like all right we're in this together well and I think there are a lot of couples that we've even interviewed and talked to who got there at some point but they had to go through hardships of like here's my side here's your side and it causes a lot of tension I'm not saying we haven't gone through a lot of tension a lot of issues a lot of hardship over the years but my initial choice from day one was like if I am choosing you I am choosing you and I'm all in no matter what life throws at us we'll figure it up and I think that's really hard for a lot of people

they always want to keep one foot out just in case obviously every situation is different so like we're not prescribing that people don't get prenups but for us and we're not prescribing that you stay in an abusive relationship we're not prescribed like we all know there are very extreme situations that we are not talking about here. Let me make it argument too that not believing in soulmates is more romantic than believing in soulmates. Instead of it just being this random puzzle piece that you hope fits, it's like, there is romanticism behind the effort of wanting to love someone and then doing whatever you need

to do to love that person. That's more romantic. And there's more romanticism behind. being surprised by people. I feel like people so easily write potential spouses off because of a first impression or something that doesn't cross off their list. I think something so beautiful is being very open and being like, you never know, and then being so surprised by it.

Like, oh, they might pleasantly surprise me. Yeah. what if your spouse believes in soulmates and you don't you think that could lead to disagreements i think that could lead to not a good relationship because i think people who believe in one if you're not on the same page there you probably have someone who is more willing to choose and someone who thinks things who has higher expectations i think if you believe in a soulmate your expectations are going to be very high for your spouse and they'll most likely disappoint you a lot and expectations are unspoken uh assumptions or unspoken like desires desires or needs so like

gosh yeah it does take a it does take an aspect of marriage out of it when you believe in the one of like hey you're the one so i just assume that you're going to make me feel comfortable make me feel loved, that removes this idea of like, I need to reflect on myself and what makes me feel love. And then I need to learn how to communicate that to my spouse in a way that they can love me and also I can love them. It's like this self-reflection and communication aspect that gets removed. It does.

It removes the work, right? Because if you really were the one, you would know that. you would know how whatever x y z instead of it forcing us to communicate and figure it out for each other so we become that person

I'm fired up I'm also thinking about a lot of things of like it's it is an interesting topic because gosh, I just feel like going all in, committing, pushing all the chips to the center of the table is what's allowed me to love you. And it's like, all right, we did that.

On our wedding day, we signed the papers, the contract, all these things. I'm all in. And now future Andrew has to live up to that commitment. So I might as well make that journey pleasant and, like, say, yeah, she is perfect for me. love her. I love her. Otherwise, you could so easily make yourself miserable. But it's your choice. I want to ask a question, and I want to give an answer first to preface, so I don't put you out on the chopping block here. But I feel like there's going to be a lot of people who are listening and they're like, this is too good to be true. You can't possibly

have known this from day one, right? That I was going to marry you? No, like. Okay, go ahead. painting our picture is perfect that we chose each other from day one that you know it's just been perfect and i feel like a lot of the things that i'm saying a lot of the like when you start going down a negative path and stuff i've experienced in the past 10 years don't for a second believe that like every single day has been absolutely smitten with us you said the d word once remember that I did once I did and I regret it but I feel like

the only reason why I'm saying all of this now is because I have allowed my brain to go down those thoughts the first year of marriage is very hard we didn't spend any time together in the first year of marriage and then kids and then moving and careers and career changes and transitions and finances

and all these things and I've just noticed patterns in myself of like if I wake up and I don't think something positive about my husband it's not going to be a good day and if I allow myself to wake up a second day not thinking positive things about my husband it's going to be a bad week and then a bad month and it's going to affect our intimacy and it's going to affect our conversation and it's going to affect our careers and then our children. And so I just wanted to say that and ask of like, has this been all sunshines and rainbows? And like, have you known from day one that this is exactly how I need to act

from the time we got married? No, 100% not. That's what I'm saying. I think people mention like the seven year itch or the seven year pivot. Yeah. I think it's been pretty true. in my experience we're seven and a half years married and just recently have had this realization of like of i want to clarify people say the seven year edge meaning the seven years the worst

uh no people say seven years is either a turning point where you're like i don't like i want to go somewhere else or you're all in oh i'm all keep going and i've just had this realization of like oh my gosh bro what you're describing of waking up and saying okay we're married, I'm going to decide to make today a good day of my marriage. And a lot of that is my effort and work. And I think it's pretty true that if you're able to do this in your marriage and have the mental discipline and the perspective and the optimism of saying, okay, I have some control on this. If you're able to do it in your marriage when it gets really tough, I think you're able to do it in most other areas of your life like having the mental discipline to say okay

it's going to be hard but I'm going to whatever take care of myself physically okay it's going to be hard but I'm going to go um really apply myself and push myself in work but it's like okay it's going to be hard I'm going to wake up and do what I can I have ownership over our marriage I've recently just had that and things have been better same and here's the thing that I've realized as I've gotten older. This applies to my marriage, my friendships, my career, my hobbies, is that it doesn't matter what I pick or who I picked. I could have married a thousand different girls, right? I could hang out with a thousand different friends and have a good time. I could pursue a thousand different careers and find meaning in them. But it doesn't matter

what my pick is. It's me knowing the one thing that I wanted to say yes to, and having the ability to say no to everything else that makes me the type of person that then makes that relationship or hobby or career the most successful as it could be. It's me dialing in on one thing and focusing on that that makes me the type of person that isn't distracted that doesn't look over my shoulder and say, oh, well, did I make the wrong choice and should I pursue there? it's like that derails you and hinders your progress, whether you're talking about progress in your marriage and maturity in your marriage or getting promoted at work.

It's like if you're just doing one thing for a long time and just focus on that one thing, that compounds year after year after year. And so it doesn't ultimately matter with what you started with, right? It's like how long did you stick with it? How much focus did you apply to that? that makes all the difference drawing your line in the sand and making a finite decision a sure decision makes you the type of person that then maximizes that decision right it's like if you're a

confident guy that says yep that's my horse i'm sticking to it that's my wife i'm sticking to it then like you're going to be bought in your opportunity cost is like fully attached to that being successful. You're laying the groundwork and promising a future that has not happened yet. And that's this profound thought, right? That doesn't come naturally. It didn't come naturally to me, but it's like, hey, I'm selling the farm and burning all the other boats and pushing all my chips in on this one choice. I better make it work. That applies to all aspects of life. right it's like don't just dabble don't always don't always be asking why you're looking at the the neighbor's grass and why it's always greener freaking take care of yours right that's the

lawn you've been given that's a relationship you've been given the career you've been given so it's like no the one doesn't exist it doesn't you make the one they're created by your decision and by your buy-in i i agree with that and i think it's taken a seven years to reinforce that the one does not exist. It doesn't exist. But I don't agree with you, because you're my one. It doesn't exist until you're married. I mean it in the sense of like,

there have been a million and a half times where you and I could have looked at each other and been like, you're obviously not my person. You're not the one that God made me for, right? Right. In the heat of arguments and disagreements and like career paths and just everything. But instead, we were like, you know what?

I made this choice. Now, let's be the best people we can for each other so that we're the best partners for the rest of our life. And I think that's the difference between saying the D word and acting on it because you have so much frustration and anger in people's differences and never saying it and being like, you know what? Here's another great time for us to grow and communicate and work

so that I can love you the best I possibly can. I'm trying to come with a good analogy. It's like you make the choice. And then, yeah, the whole future is just trying to make that the best choice you've ever made. Yes. Everything after that choice is trying to make that, the most positive experience you've ever had. It's like buying a piece of land

and then building a house on top of it. It's not like, that's not the analogy. It's so interesting. It's just like, I feel like we're beating a dead horse here, so I hope this is beneficial. But I just,

I think, if you show up on your wedding day thinking this person was made for you, it's probably only going to go downhill from there. because if you're going to expect them to live up to that, you know, title, then they're just going to disappoint. If you show up on your wedding day thinking, I'm choosing today that this person will be my person for the rest of my life,

and I will work for that, then I think it'll look different. And I think that takes a long time to figure out. Yeah. It's like people say marriage should be the starting line and not the finish line. People show up sometimes and be like, oh, I just went through the whole dating process for years and we got it all figured out. But like marriage is really day one of figuring it out. It is. All right. That's all we got. I don't care if you live together for 10 years, marriage will still change it.

Yeah, the way it's set up with the contract and the whole freaking, it's pretty dope. Read the meaning of marriage if you haven't. I would highly recommend it. You don't want to rant about this for another half hour? Do you want to? I know. I'm trying to say it differently because it's like, obviously you could just say, oh, do you believe the one exists? Yes or no.

Okay, but why? Let me tell you our experience of you becoming my one, me making you my one. Hey, you're my person. I love you, bro. I love you so much. And we're going to have a bomb seven year. What? Seventh year.

Yeah, no, we already had seven years. We're going to have, we're in the middle of our eighth. really didn't we just have our sixth anniversary if you think about it one year is you've been married for a year we just had our six we're coming up no i missed our seventh yeah i was pregnant you know what you're gonna blame it on that no i don't even know if you were pregnant are you good thank you so much i love you again geez you better make me the one dude all right uh let us know your thoughts sorry if we kind of just rehash this point but I found that lethargic me too not lethargic cathartic

cathartic all right before we go and say anything else dumb that's how we got I'm Andrew I'm Sean with the East fam out