Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 208 | olympics intimacy ban, intimacy after having a baby and other advice you asked for

Episode Date: March 27, 2024

This episode is sponsored by Better Help ▶ Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/eastfam today to get 10% off your first month. We’re back with another advice episode but this time we’re one child wiser so let’s just say we felt a little more confident sharing words of wisdom with you all ;) Thanks to everyone who sent in topics they wanted advice on and if you missed it, be sure to follow our instagram over at @CoupleThingsPod so you can send in a question next time! Although we probably aren’t the best people to be giving advice on all these topics, we love pretending like we know what we’re talking about and our goal is to hopefully provide helpful insights and second opinions for you! Thanks for trusting us to give you advice and we hope you have fun listening to this one 🙂 Love you guys! Shawn and Andrew  Follow the Couple Things Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/couplethingspod/?hl=en Follow My Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/ShawnJohnson Follow My Tik Tok ▶ https://www.tiktok.com/@shawnjohnson Shop My LTK Page ▶ https://www.shopltk.com/explore/shawnjohnson  Like the Facebook page! ▶ https://www.facebook.com/ShawnJohnson Follow Andrew’s Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/AndrewDEast Andrew’s Tik Tok ▶ https://www.tiktok.com/@andrewdeast?lang=en Like the Facebook page! ▶ https://www.facebook.com/AndrewDEast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. what's up everybody welcome back to a couple things with Sean and Andrew a podcast all about couples and the things they go through today it's about us though and kind of about you because we're doing

another advice episode where you guys have submitted your stories your questions your personal thoughts and feelings and we are going to respond to them just going to give you our hot take thoughts maybe provide a different perspective that's what we're here for maybe just thinking about something in a different way than you think about it. For the longest time we always said we're not here to give advice when we're qualified and that's actually why I started my PhD

in psychology. I think maybe it's like a self-image problem where I don't feel qualified to give advice but now in this process I feel like you should learn that in your PhD that is a you thing. Well I am starting six

more hours of credits. Good job this week. We haven't talked about that great but I'm very excited yeah talking about different issues like behavioral science group think yeah I'm learning a lot and I'm enjoying it and I like having one topic to dig into deeply yes and I like reading books but I also had to write two 25 page papers in one week and you got mad and I was like this is 100% your fault 100% well I wasn't complaining I was just upset fine line I also want to add new in the news that I read today was, did you know they put an intimacy ban on the Olympic Village in 2020 in Tokyo?

Tell me more. They banned athletes from having naked time. So they do say that that's one of the most, like it's the most condoms distributed. yes at that event more than any other event in the world that in nursing homes i believe i will say can i just add i have no personal uh experience here i was a child at the olympics so i'm not i have no information on this i'm just going off what i've been told but they at they actually like band athletes from having into or like getting into it in 2020 they have since as of today lifted that band for Paris and people don't know how to feel about it how do you feel about it this issue is near and dear

to my heart is how I feel when we were when we were when we were first dating when we were when we were first dating uh there was an article that came out on ESPN I'm I'm looking at it now I believe talking about this topic I believe it's called sex in the Olympic village yes and who else is featured in that article, but yours truly Sean Johnson. Which is absolutely twisted. It is. Why would ESPN include me in this article when I was at the Olympic Village as a 16-year-old kid?

And they acknowledged that she was then 16 years old. Anyway, we can link the article. It's not about her naked time, but it's funny that you're one of the few athletes mentioned in that article. Like that's twisted. So I was like pretty taken aback. I was like, all right, I mean, we're going to have to address this at something. at some point.

But what do I think about the issue as a whole? You get a bunch of young 20-somethings together. Yeah. And in like the peak physical shape they've ever been in. In some ways, it's not surprising. In other ways, though, it's like you would think that you'd be the most focused on getting the job done of your sport. But I don't think that includes this.

I think it's the celebration. So you do, you perform? Yeah, because most of these athletes, like might perform day two of the Olympics, but be living in the village for three weeks. I bet there's some other nonsense beyond just naked time that goes down. You have a bunch of, like, you know,

people just hanging out, not having anything else to do, they finally have concluded their training regimen. What's the other stuff you think might go down there, Andrew? I don't know. Like, I have no idea. I have no idea. I will say my first thought to the band, and now the lifting of the ban

and like that it's a thing is like, why do you all care? Why does anybody care? Like what do you? Why do you? So like, yeah, if you're, if you're the host country and it's more of a reserved culture,

then that would be an issue, you know? You are extrapolating your cultural expectations from the U.S. onto like Japan. And it's a totally different line. We're not just talking about the U.S. though. talking about like every country partakes that's what i'm saying to you i know but my whole thought

is why do you care what people are doing like in their pastime all you care about with the olympics is like watching people compete well now we know that that's all you care about no that's what about what about sport being the thing that forms and shapes young people of character huh what about that Sean. I don't know. I think it's weird. We're going to start doing some personal debriefs and maybe some light topical discussion at the beginning of these episodes because we did say we were going to give you advice, but we just wanted to try that out. I kind of like it. I did. You have anything else? Any other updates on your end? Oh, we started a gratitude journal. We did. We did. It's called the

five-minute journal. Yeah. It's good. I like it. Our buddies from R.O., who we interviewed Joey and Heath. You can check out that episode. Just spoke at a church here in Nashville about doing a digital fast, which then got us down this rabbit hole of how do we live more intentionally. One of the things we're trying to do is like only use our devices when necessary for work purposes because, you know, this time we with our kids is fleeting. So the Gratissue Journal is going to be our new way that we're hoping to start and finish each day. Yes. We'll let you know how it goes. Yeah.

Should we dive in? Let's dive in. Okay. We have 20 questions below where you guys have asked for our advice or our thoughts. They're good. They're interesting. Let's start with number one. Advice on battling resentment towards your spouse during the postpartum weeks.

Have you ever felt that, Andrew? What is that word resentment? And I'm not familiar with the whole concept. in full transparency Andrew and I have gone back into marriage counseling which I think is so beneficial because postpartum can be so difficult

the transition is difficult resentment how do you deal with it I think things like the gratitude journal help like finding little things throughout the day that re center your perspective as to like what's actually the truth yeah not to get too philosophical but it's

like it's not even what's the truth it's what's what's your perceived truth yeah what you're choosing to be true i think about if i'm reflecting on the postpartum periods that we've gone through um i think it requires the most amount of generosity of perspective and of intentions like i'm being generous with assuming sean's intentions were x y z and it like it's an aspect of almost being charitable to like uh like it is an effort when she's short with me or like you know in the middle of the night when the baby's crying and you can't hear each other to like um to to give each other the benefit of the doubt it's super hard to do um it's where the most grace is needed it's where the most patience is needed it's where the most forgiveness everything is needed

but you're sleep deprived your hormonal yeah your entire life has changed your identity is changed so like when you put all that together it can be really hard yeah it takes the most self-awareness too like okay you didn't get as much sleep last night so now maybe you're coming off a little more short and then your spouse maybe tells you that and then you can either be defensive or you can be self-aware and say, yeah, you know, I probably am. That's where there's so much effort required, where it's like taking a pause, not going with that initial instinctive, like, no, I'm not tired.

It's quit. And it's just like, oh. You're on edge. Take a deep breath. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I have the self-awareness to know I didn't sleep well last night, and I'm sorry.

I'm a little short. And then it's the other person's job to be charitable in that. But I also think, like, I also think it's a phase. So just, I think it's this carry on, you know, keep, keep put stacking days, stack and the further way you get from the birth, I think the further out of the woods of postpartum you get. I will say, to go back to the five-minute journal, props to doing this. Each day you have to put, like, a daily affirmation for yourself. And I don't know why I thought of this, but what came to my mind today that I wrote in,

I think falls in line of this and it's I just kind of thought of that phrase this two shall pass but then I also thought like don't miss it yeah because you can get so caught up in the postpartum phase of being like oh it's just a phase it's going to be over just hold your breath and like it'll be it'll be done yeah but it's also one of the most special periods of time so yeah it is an art to try to be present I um the journal we're doing we just found it on i just amazoned gratitude journals we're not like woo-woo people i think if you've listened to any of our stuff you know that it's not we're not like yoies or like you know we're just which is not a bad thing no but here's where we're at

it's we're willing to try anything to to like um preserve our marriage and to make it the most meaningful it can be and to be the most intentional with our kids so we're trying this out i think it's it's really part of our um we'll like read devotionals and then do that it's i view it as almost a prayer so side note okay next up how to talk to grandparents about quote showing up to my kids activities they live in town they just don't show up interesting that is interesting we kind of just talked about this as a family, didn't we? One thing that we learned from our siblings was like, hey, you should ask. Yeah.

Don't assume that your grandparents will show up, the grandparents will show up, because maybe they don't want to overstep, right? So say, hey, mom would love for you to come to Little Billy's soccer game. And then see what the response is from there. I think if there's like hesitation or, I think, an unwillingness to show up, then that's a different issue. But like, you know, do what you can, which is ask, invite them. And I would also say something we learned with siblings and talking about this conversation with our parents as well is, like, be specific. Say, this Friday, mom, dad, at 4 p.m., little Billy has a baseball game at this place.

can you please be there it would mean a lot to them like truly make it specific so there's no room for interpretation room for people to feel like they're missing or overstepping or whatever like make it specific and be like i want you there yeah i've been thinking recently about my unwillingness to have crucial conversations myself this maybe feels like conflict to some people maybe doesn't feel like conflict to some people having the conversation with your parents about not showing up but like if it's important to you that they're there and have the conversation because you're either going to have that awkwardness or pain of having an uncomfortable conversation or you're going to have the the long-term resentment that is also painful yeah so like you know

pick your poison next up advice for toddler behavior changes after having a baby going from sweet and gentle to hitting in tantrums this one makes me sad your kids like life has just been turned upside down literally upside down so however they're acting out it's an they're acting out in like a desperation of hanging on to the life that they know and even though it might be hard or they might be acting out in ways that you don't agree with you have to like take them by the hand squeeze their little face spend time with them and like reassure them that they still have their mommy and daddy they still like get their time they still get attention they still have value they still are important like you they're little

babies they want to know that this new kid isn't taking their place uh i think this is something you and i struggle with was our kids i think at the end of the day they want your attention right so If they get your attention from being helpful and going to get diapers or, you know, playing with toys, or if they get your attention from hitting in tantrums, all they want is your attention. So trying to be really diligent with saying, hey, I'm going to give them attention with these things that I want to encourage, but also not freak out and give them that, quote, unquote, attention when they aren't behaving. because then that'll kind of just like almost become an echo chamber if they're like oh when I act out then I finally get my parents' attention

so it's like it's definitely a longer game and harder but also realizing it would be it's normal for your kids to be acting out with the transition of a new baby so don't ignore them because that would make the situation worse

if all they're doing is acting out don't just ignore the acting out yeah so I'm not saying that I yeah Yeah. You have to like... I'm saying give more attention, give you more attention to the other thing. Yes.

But truly see them. And just because they're older and maybe more self-sufficient, don't feel like they don't need as much time with you as they did before because they do. Hey, but also you're doing a great job. You want to say that too.

The fact that you're even curious about this means you're doing a great job. Yeah. So don't get all down on yourself. Okay. How can I stay motivated to work out every day? My motivation is at an all-time low. That's totally fine.

You don't need a workout every day. That would be a grind. That would be a grind. Yeah, you don't need that. And did you know a workout could just be like going outside and going for a little walk? That constitutes a workout. What are your thoughts on that day? It sounds like you don't have any motivation because the working out that you were doing is something that you fell out of love with.

So try something new. go for a walk, jump on a trampoline, join a roller skating derby, try hiking, try something new. But I feel like we get this idea in our minds that working out has to be in a gym, on a treadmill, lifting weights, doing burpees, whatever it is, going to a yoga class. It doesn't. It could be so many different things. Yeah. Also, maybe we're working out. with a friend or a group of people could help.

I don't know if this person has kids or not, but it's like motivation is almost a feeling, right? And feelings are so variable. So we're kind of writing a book on this, actually, TBD. But like, what are the commitment mechanisms that you can put in place to achieve your goals? And I'm not saying that working out is the most important thing. but if you feel like this is a phase of life where you need to focus on that,

then like commit to certain things that give you the highest probability of making that happen. So like if you go over to your neighbor's house and say, hey, every morning at 6 a.m., let's go on a jog. Then now your neighbor who's right there is an accountability partner

or, you know, like there's different ways to go about it. I think understanding that working out is not the most important thing in life. Again, there's phases. is also important. So a balanced perspective builds longevity in the whole thing. Don't burn yourself out or get super discouraged.

Just realize that tomorrow's a new day. Next, as an only child, how can I create a stronger relationship with my sister-in-laws? Interesting. How qualified are you, only child? I absolutely adore my sister-in-law. sister-in-laws and I think I've learned a lot from them because all of them have siblings so I'm the only only child in the family so I've just learned a lot from them in the questions that they ask me and how they interact with me of like what they're comfortable with as a sister like that

sibling dynamic because I didn't I never experienced it and I would just say how can you what you ask them questions I don't know how to say how do I say this um so picture growing up in a household without siblings and only having friend relationships there are boundaries with friends

of like what's too far what's too much what's too intimate what's too vulnerable you don't have that like deep there's no relationship as deep as like a sibling right right yeah and so when I married into this family and I had all these sisters sister-in-laws I was like I don't know like what do we talk about since we're sisters

not friends like it's a new relationship I've never experienced that I had to learn interesting does that make sense yeah and I kind of just learned by observation and I have the best sister-in-laws in the world who just plow right through. I mean, the very first time I met my future sister-in-law. We shared a bed together in a hotel. But how can you create a strong relationship? Spend more time, be more vulnerable, ask more questions, and lean on them. Like, truly lean on them as if they are your sisters because they are. Yeah. Building a strong relationship, that's really interesting. I have been thinking about the power of asking somebody a favor and that practice in a lot of ways

builds a stronger relationship so like I think it shows humility it invites the other person in it's endearing because you know it's like now you're going to probably do this activity together I think it increases the amount of communication you have because I so like this is something my brother did really well with my dad that I did not do but built a strong relationship with my dad by asking him hey dad our uh our door's all squeaky or it's off his hinges can you come over and help so like the door is whatever it's it's insubstantial and inconsequential but now dad's going to go over to his house they're going to call about you know when when works to come over there do i need to bring you tools that that that is like an interaction

that otherwise would not have happened and then now they have like this little memory that dad a month from now can be like hey jd how's the door so it's like ask favors and it goes a long way and trust them yeah uh did we answer that question i'm not sure yeah you have four you have four new sisters is that right i do and they're the best Andrea Katie Zoe I have four sisters yo our family is high dude I freaking love all every single one of them man I have four sisters and I I have 30 brothers. Dang. Talking about each,

saying their names puts a smile on my face because each one is so awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Sex life after baby while breastfeeding.

You're saying mine is basically non-existent eight months postpartum. Hmm. What are we three months postpartum? Yeah. We've had several naked times.

Not many, but several. we've done well we've had two and a half I'm kidding I think we've had more than that I agree no I don't count though yeah that was weird

I just I just want to say some number and a half you wanted to say a half yeah okay um what does that even meet I don't know I think it is a period of time

that's awkward uncomfortable inconvenient you're like redating your spouse your body is weird it's still in the postpartum phase breastfeeding is awkward because you are leaking

or like it's just awkward and I think it's a time where you kind of have to like how do I say like be sacrificial a little bit I don't know how to say that like if you're postpartum and you're not feeling yourself

that's also like not 100% fair to your spouse house to just be like well i'm i'm not in the mood for eight months does that make sense yeah it i mean after having just talked about postpartum depression it's like yeah well of course there's less sex in the postpartum period yeah it's like there's already tension there's so much transition there's less time there's more logistical concern whatever uh yeah i think um in some ways it's almost like an engine that you need to prime first and it's like the it's like it builds momentum is yeah so maybe the first step is sacrificial to use your start your term not the first step

the first interaction is sacrificial but then it's like oh hey you know now we're feeling a little more connected next time feels a less sacrificial and the momentum the momentum builds so but getting to that first one or actually the first like I don't know let's just say five doesn't feel super romantic no you're yeah it's you just got to like work on it you're saying it's something that you need to do I think you should it's super interesting I don't disagree with you because how do I do I explain this I feel like there's this weird period of time postpartum towards the end of pregnancy where like you get a little bit more distant from your husband we've talked about this you become more mom and dad less husband and wife and if you let that time just continue to

build of being less husband and wife and more mom and dad and more roommates or more friends or more co-parents and you just like kind of let it build it gets harder to like make a move be intimate break through that barrier so it's like if you can kind of start cutting into that time frame because like you get eight months into it where your sex life has non-existent then it becomes like strangers it becomes harder to like initiate because your routine you're used to something else I'm trying to think of an analogy best I got is plato if you leave it out of the container too long it doesn't it becomes less malleable does that make sense yeah uh interesting i'm working on any words associated with plato potentially could be wrong i also think just check the uh

what do you call that pronoun the mine is that a pronoun check your check your tense i was never good a language i was but instead of it's not my sex life it's it's It's our sex life. Just a little perspective shift. Next. Advice in the best games if you're just starting out with the game night with your friends. Let's freaking go. Game night is the best.

Dude, let's go. I'm feeling like next month might be our first time back. Don't push it. Okay. Maybe. Maybe two months. We're in a postpartum desert with not just naked time, but also with game night. But we're not.

Okay. It was cheeky. I know. Uh, spoons. I think that's the best game night game to start with. Spoons or, um, shoot, what's the detective one that we played? Why can't I think of it? What in that?

Detective one. It's cornhole, obviously, is a big one. A bottle bash is awesome. What's the one? It's the game of the decade. Babe, come on. Werewolf? Oh, I freaking love werewolf.

We're wolf is too complicated for a first time game night. I agree. ticket to ride no the one where you have to clue not clue the one where I say a word and then you have to say the associate words Sean for five

oh oh my gosh are you serious I don't know I think of this I'm gonna find it please hold I'm just going through board games right now wow those are old time board games yeah yeah it's like the yeah what about

catchphrase would be great. We did this game. Code names. There we go. So those are all great. We got to move on. We have a whole game night kind of workbook or no, procedure that we have. It's a how-to host a game night.

We've never shared that. I also think one of my favorite games we've ever played is that dice game where you have to write to a hundred. Midnight Madness. Look that up. It's wild. It's like. ultimate panic feeling okay um next question can you be quote too close with your parents what are the boundaries there i think i have a different perspective on no um yes yes you think yes um i have two thoughts

one biblically speaking make sure you like leave and cleave your spouse needs to be your priority So when you get married, you need to, like, leave your parents and make your spouse your number one. So the too close, in my opinion, would be if you're still confiding in your parents over your spouse, that's too close. I agree. Then you aren't, like, truly honoring your marriage. The second with boundaries would be just like... This episode is brought to you by Defender. With its 626 horsepower twin-turbo V8 engine,

the defender, Octa, is taking on the Dakar rally. The ultimate off-road challenge. Learn more at landrover.ca. Tim's new scrambled egg loaded croissant. Or is it croissant? No matter how you say it, start your day with freshly cracked scrambled eggs loaded on a buttery, flaky croissant. Try it with maple brown butter today at Tim's.

At participating restaurants in Canada for limited time. making sure you have space as husband and wife in space like I don't know no that's the only thing I would think of I agree with your understanding that your our family now yeah takes priority yeah it's still a really really special treasured relationships with your parents and it can be super close but it should not be go ahead do what what I have another thought. No, you got it. On that same exact thought of like make sure you're prioritizing your marriage over your parents,

a rule that Andrew and I have in our marriage that we are taught by our premarital counselor that I feel like we've done a really good job with. It's something that means a lot to us is don't ever speak poorly of your spouse to your parents. And it's because your parents will always take your side. and you don't want your parents to have any resentment or ill will towards your spouse it doesn't do anybody any good

next best book to read before becoming a first time parent if you had to choose only one there's about five to come to mind and we have done these in newsletters as well if you want to see a more extensive list and I've not put this one on that list yet my answer would be the meaning of marriage by Tim Keller.

Yeah. And I say that in light of our recent situation where you realize parenting really can be the most joyful, amazing, magical experience, or it can be the most stressful, divisive drag. Like, it can be. And I think the quality of the marriage, determines that.

So the meaning of marriage for us was pivotal and understanding how to navigate that. What do you think? I would say, I agree 100%. I think you should read that book. I think it's amazing. One of my favorite books that I read,

just speaking as a first-time parent, in my mind that goes to like first-time pregnancy, first time mom I really liked the mama natural only because it explained so much of what you go through that was it I did not read that book

so can I recommend it no next advice wouldn't be for you to read advice for our geography conflict my family lives in California my spouse's family is in Ohio how do we choose which set of parents to live by

wow the problems of modern day dating, huh? Or, like, people go off to different states to go to college and then they meet their spouse and then, yeah, it's a little more complicated now. That happened to us. It did happen to us.

We just chose a third city neutral location that was decently close to both of our families. Yep. And also, you were an only child. But San Diego and Ohio is pretty hard. I don't know where you got San Diego. That's really interesting. I guess you're thinking about that.

subconsciously just I was thinking of Guy and Andrea they were San Diego and Indian I think it's really hard I think you have to have a lot of conversations about it I like how we did it because we like chose a third city neutral location to like form our foundation our family now we're having more conversations about like where do we want to end up with kids long term that's hard it's very hard here's my hot take rule of thumb you should move to the location where the primary caregiver for the children is most supported do you agree with that whoever's with the kids more and most and has to do the schools and the friends and

that's where you should move what do you think I agree you don't agree you don't I do agree I also think it's more complicated I think it's more complicated because Andrew and I have had these conversations a lot and it's a very hard conversation to have because at the end of the day someone's like sacrificing but I think it becomes a question of like kids what's best for your kids I agree period so so I feel like we're going to have a follow-up combo maybe Sunday all right any tips to not be defensive in an argument and to be a better listener wow man repeat what the other person said before you respond we learned that it like immediately disarms you um a counselor taught us that so like

if Andrew's telling me how he feels or something I first need to respond to him and summarize what he said yeah so it's like I hear you saying X, Y and Z because it gives him the opportunity to say oh no you actually interpreted that not how I meant it and it makes me actually listen to him instead of form a defense as he's speaking. Yeah, and it forces you for the first thing that you say as a listener to not be defensive and to rather be almost like encouraging and like welcoming to what that other person is saying. That's so freaking hard though. Do we do that?

No. I don't know the answer to this question. Because so easily for me, in an attempt to not be defensive, I'll just, be apathetic almost or be quiet yeah and then that also doesn't do the conflict or conversation any good uh because you know it's a two-way street so the one person should not just be quiet it's very very hard i don't know please share your tips for those listening i'm looking straight at the camera please please is that too dramatic yeah okay next one uh waning off the pacifier when it feels impossible how do you do it well it took us a few attempts with drew um people get on

such high horses with pacifiers no kid is going to college of the pacifier it's totally fine also so like chill out about it yeah like okay maybe it warps her teeth a little bit but they're just starter pack teeth to be replaced by adult teeth later so yeah i'm not that concerned about it i'm not either and people have gotten on us because we allow our kids to have pacifiers to like they're three which also they're three it's just three the way we did it with Drew

is but our kids look like they're seven so they do anyway there's that yeah people are like why does your seven year old have a pass fire if you're seven I had a pass fire until I was six I literally had a conversation with Santa about my pacifier wow yeah and I gave it away when I was six and I never had braces and I'm just perfectly fine guys

anyways the way we did it with drew we tried it when she was two it didn't work it just didn't work um she was not emotionally ready for it i just post a video on that that was hilarious shying did this whole fairy thing where she took all the passies put them in a bag hung from a tree the fairy came and got it left a present i think i got a clip with sean saying oh my gosh i can't believe we're finally doing it drew was so excited Fast forward about five minutes meltdown. We give her the passie and it took like five more months. Yeah.

When she was three, I felt like she mentally could understand it better. So we talked about it a lot. We talked about like giving it to babies who really needed it. And just kind of got her into a place where she was better with it. It took two nights where I would cuddle with her and kind of sleep with her just for like comfort. and then she was perfectly fine. So I think just understanding you don't have to force it.

Just like wait till your kid's ready. We did hear about, I guess it's a system where you buy a kit of passies that progressively get smaller. Yeah. You heard of that. Anyway,

I've heard that's worked for a little bit. We also tried with Drew to like poke the hole in the passie and stuff and she'd just be like it's broken. Yeah. I need a new one. So. All right, next.

Navigating Singleness when all you want is a husband and family. It's so hard. It's going to be okay. Yeah, it's going to be okay. Don't find yourself desperately looking for a husband. I don't think it works that way. I think you need to find peace in yourself first.

And in doing that, you'll find a partner. Does that make sense? yeah i'm just trying to evaluate how true it is no offense it does make sense i don't know this gets harder and harder if the the longer you go single i think gets more difficult for a couple of reasons one is that the pool shrinks right everyone else pairs up um i guess my first thought is like get involved and committed to things where you might interact with a potential spouse so like don't just go home and think about how sad you are because you don't have a spouse build your hobbies build your interest you're going to be more interesting on the next day

as a result and you're also going to get involved in clubs or groups or teams where you might end up meeting that person that's my thought also go to church that's what i would say yeah go to church any other thoughts on that no but it's going to be okay i do want you to know that um next up supporting your spouse when they're not getting along with their own parents what is my role as a spouse in that that feels a little confused for me what do you mean it's it's It's not fun to knock it along with your parents. But when you're asking, what is my role as a spouse in that?

I would say your role is spouse. I think it's confusing to me because, like, you should be each other's number one. Like, confidants, teammates, height men, cheerleaders, supporters. so you should be like the person they're leaning on yeah I think when in doubt the right decision is always what brings you in closer community with other people so the right decision is not to take sides against the parents like and be really territorial or like defensive you should

support your spouse and maybe not really get involved on the parent side. Yeah. Just support your spouse. Yeah. Be listening here. Yeah. That's hard. I feel like I need more context.

Next. When you're feeling lost or miserable after achieving a big goal in life, how do you find clarity and peace again? Holy smokes. That's a big one. I have a very simple answer. You put too much of your identity and your big goal and not enough in God. It's a biblical answer.

It is a religious answer. I apologize, but that's how I feel. How did you? Miss Gold Medalist. I thought an Olympic gold medal from the way society talked about it would take care of everything in life.

It would make me feel fulfilled, complete, whole, literally. Like society puts such a weight on success for like completing you. And I got there and I was like, wow, what do I do now? Because this doesn't feel, I don't feel euphorically complete. And I think it's because I put my identity in it and I put too much weight on it.

It was amazing. It was the most wonderful accomplishment. I achieved it but like if who I am is put into a metal then it's pretty I don't know shallow yeah I think of the saying it's not a it's about the journey not the destination and I think this is part of why that concept is important like it's a it's a an ounce of prevention is worth a pound to cure. So now that you're having to retroactively answer this question, how do I find clarity and peace since I put all my eggs in this basket of achieving my big goal?

And I did that. And I got nothing now. What happens? It's easier to like to cure that along the way. But it's also interesting. What is the biggest goal? And why do you feel like? you haven't achieved that.

So why did you get derailed from what your biggest goal is, whether that's like, okay, I made $10 million, but now I don't have any friends. What was your biggest goal? Which of those two? So don't lose sight of the most important things is what I'm trying to say. My personal experiences with this was exactly how it's written. Like I felt very lost.

I felt very miserable after achieving. the Olympics and finding clarity and peace, it took me, like my biggest fear and insecurity at the Olympics in that phase of life was like, am I enough? Am I worthy, basically? And it took me not working, not having money, not having like a title to my name, being a normal person. that learned that I was like lovable by by Andrew that I was still enough for my God

that's how I found the clarity and peace again is like if you stripped all that away are you still happy so it's almost like a spiritual or a self-image issue of how do you see yourself

that's fascinating I also think of the importance of mentors or friends or family sitting down with them and saying hey what do I do now you know seeking advice goes back to building strong relationships too hey can I can I ask you a favor and sit down with you to get advice that'll I don't know at least give you something to do but congrats on achieving your big goal next how can I support my wife when she's overwhelmed with our new baby, but I'm working all day. Yes, that's a good question.

Sean? It's hard to know an answer to that because that's not our experience. And I don't know your exact situation. My first thought is, can you help her find a friend or some some sort of support system during the day. I'm also aware that that could require something financially, which not everybody has. Finding a friend?

I'm saying like finding support during the day. Oh, yeah. Just to give her space to step away? Yeah. I think also, if you're gone, that night or during the day maybe take the nights for her to feel

more supported so she's more rested during the day empathy is the first word to come to mind just like understand that it's a lot of work so being there I think being her friend it is a pretty isolating experience

the first couple months we talk about but also the idea of being hospitable. So in whatever way you can, try to think of her before she gets there. We talked about that in the John and Ashley March, Marsh interview. But that thoughtfulness goes a long way, I think. Next, advice on finding your passion or hobbies.

After kids, I kind of lost myself and don't know what I enjoy doing for fun anymore. I feel that. I feel that. I'd say try new things. try a bunch of things we had someone tell us to make a list no it was just me actually i needed um a mentor told us that i needed to go on a hunt for new hobbies because i couldn't tell you what i enjoy doing for fun either and it was like to make a long list of hobbies and work on trying each one once or twice to see what i want to like start doing for fun yeah

I think you've got to tinker around, try it out, be willing to fail to start over. You got this. Any tips for a successful, long-distance marriage? Or relationship in general. We've never done long. You went on a six-month tour, our first year marriage. I think you've got to go out of your way to, like, connect. yeah i am really bad at like when i'm with another group of people face to face with them

nobody else in the world exists which is simultaneously an awesome quality and a terrible one it is so i usually like i did a six-day rafting trip for a buddy's bachelor party he didn't exist on the face of the earth i did i was able to call you a couple times and i did uh but i did not call you often no I don't think we would thrive long distance The conjuring last rites On September 5th I come down here we need you Array

Array! Array! Array! Array! The Conjuring Last Rites, only in theater, September 5th. Summer's here, and you can now get almost anything you need for your sunny days, delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by Almost? Well, you can't get a well-groom lawn delivered, but you can get a chicken parmesan delivered.

A cabana? That's a no. But a banana, that's a yes. A nice tan, sorry, nope. But a box fan, happily yes. A day of sunshine? No. A box of fine wines? Yes. Uber Eats can definitely get you that.

Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol and select markets. Product availability may vary by Regency app for details. Considering we spend every waking second of the day together. But we're also pretty good on our own. That's what's interesting. We're great on our own.

But like now as a family. Yeah. I would say communication. Yes. Go out of your way to connect, be thought of. make sure the other person knows you're thinking of them. Sean and I used to simultaneously watch movies together. Oh, on FaceTime.

That was fun. Ready? Okay, I'm at 2153. Ready, go. That was when we were dating and we were long distance. That was fun. All right, two more. Meals to help keep up milk supply.

I don't really know. All I've been told is like calories, substance. and hydration so like protein vegetables like make sure you have some nutrition in there get in your caloric intake and drink a lot of water yeah from a volume standpoint yeah that feels right as i sit here while my stomach is growling so loud that you might be able to hear it we'll go get lunch after this how to still love a friend when you really disagree with them about something such as parenting who they're dating life decisions etc uh uh I think it's important to, like, if you're a close friend to share your perspective,

I think that's really important, gently and lovingly. I also have been trying to evaluate what my definition of friendship is because I've been challenged that I might not be a good friend. I'm actually working through this myself. Like, what does it mean to be a good friend? Sometimes I feel like I'm just in friendships where it's convenient or fun. and when they don't when they're not fun anymore

then I'm less inclined to like want to talk to that person and there's such beauty in the battle of like fighting through these little conflicts that makes that actually a meaningful relationship I feel like I have really good friends

I feel like I have fantastic siblings that like that that barrier to exit is established but I also so know that there are friends in my life where it's like, oh, hey, it's easier if I don't get involved in this mess. I think there's probably different levels, and I don't know if I'll communicate this well.

I think loving a friend is loving them for who they are. So you don't want to love them only if they don't keep listening to rap music because you don't agree with the lyrics or whatever it is. I don't know. Does that make sense? You should love them for who they are. You can vote for different people. You can have different religious beliefs.

You can do all these things and still love them for who they are. You can disagree with their opinions on things and still love them for who they are. I think that's very important that you should love them as wholeheartedly as possible. Now, if it gets to be a relationship where their differences or their choices are causing harm to them, your relationship or yourself, you can still love them from a distance. like we have both personally had friends where we've had to say you know what i love you i support you and i will be there for you if you need it but spending time with you is harmful to our marriage or to our kids or whatever it is so you have to like put more distance between you man that's a really unpleasant and challenging process I'm thinking of yeah yeah I think there is a process

though to get to that point where it's like you should confront them this is biblical and you confront them with a group of people if there's if there's harm involved and then next steps can be taken but anyway all right well in there thank you for listening hope you were able to take something away from our advice maybe learn something new get a little different perspective or think wow they have a lot to work on but also curious if you have something to add leave a comment we love when our i mean reading some of the youtube comments are awesome i love that's like one of my favorite parts about what we do is seeing other people interact we're just trying to start conversations which means you can carry on the conversation uh and also thanks as always for trusting us with your

questions. We're not professional, so we hope you did okay. And if you made it this far and you haven't yet, please subscribe to the show, give it a rating. We're just glad to be here and we're grateful you are too. So love you guys. Very appreciative. And we'll see you next week. That's all we got. I'm Andrew. I'm shot. We're at East fan. Out.