Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 228 | the different phases of parenting

Episode Date: September 11, 2024

In today’s episode, we dove into the different stages of parenting and the incredible yet difficult moments that come with each one. From Infancy to young adulthood, it was cool to walk through each age range and talk about what we’re looking forward to (or terrified about) the most. If you’re a parent out there, let us know if you can relate!  Love you guys! Shawn and Andrew Follow the Couple Things Instagram  ▶ https://www.instagram.com/couplethingspod/?hl=en Follow My Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/ShawnJohnson Follow My Tik Tok ▶ https://www.tiktok.com/@shawnjohnson Shop My LTK Page ▶ https://www.shopltk.com/explore/shawnjohnson  Like the Facebook page! ▶ https://www.facebook.com/ShawnJohnson Follow Andrew’s Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/AndrewDEast Andrew’s Tik Tok ▶ https://www.tiktok.com/@andrewdeast?lang=en Like the Facebook page! ▶ https://www.facebook.com/AndrewDEast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Order now. Alcohol and select markets. Product availability may vary by Regency app for details. What's up everybody? Welcome back to a couple things with Sean and Andrew. Today we're talking about phases of parenting. Andrew is very excited about this. I am so excited about this. Can I tell you why? Yes. One, I have never seen nor heard anybody break down the different phases of parenting. Two, I've just been desperately grasping. What? That's false because you read this somewhere.

I created this. I created the phase of parenting. I'm so excited. I actually, as part of my studies for my doctorate, I'm getting, casual flex. I'm so cool. I'm so smart. I'm proud because I love it so much. That's why I mention it so often. We had to read a lifespan development textbook, and then I thought of parenting development

and the lifespan of parents. Anyway, so the first thing is I've never seen anybody do this. Second is I've felt this desperation of watching. our kids grow older and just like wanting to stop the clock yeah and balancing that almost like grief of every day that passes and this quick turnaround like so much changes in these young ages of kids with the understanding and hearing people talk about that it just keeps getting better yeah so it's like this excitement but grief and then the third thing is uh an experience that recently happened where our oldest daughter is five or our only daughter is almost five and she

She wanted a drink or whatever, and so I was just about to go over to get her cup ready when I realized, oh no, she's old enough to be able to get her own stuff and to do her own dishes to certain, like she's able to participate in a new way. And I need to mature as a parent, like kids graduate from one face to another, but parents also need to, it's not like I'm a good dad now and forever. It's like, no, it's a changing game. Yeah. It's going to be different tomorrow than this today. and so what is the trajectory and this breakdown helped me understand that i remember sissy goff saying that at our family made event where she said if you write out a list every day of like 30 different things that you have to do for your kids she said at least like two-thirds of that they can do on their

yeah yeah and that's such a hard thing specifically because it takes longer it's more stressful it's probably going to be messier whatever chore you're talking about than if you just did it but I think it's invaluable and we'll provide a lot of good in the future if you're able to have patience through it. So anyway, we have broken down into eight different phases, parenthood. You have, and I'm so excited because I'm going to teach me. But I also want to say we have maybe only gone through two of these phases. Yes.

And this is encouraging to me because now we have a little better understanding of what's to come. Each of these phases that we're going to talk about has unique things that make it amazing and unique things that make it challenging. And so we're just going to talk through what some of those are like. And we have, again, just if you're listening, have never heard anything we do. We have a daughter who's about to turn five, a son who just turned three, and a son who is eight months right now. And so I think in maybe one of the hardest phases of life, with all the chaos there's like so much demanded of us physically as far as chores and this morning was chaos it was a first full day of school we made we were making breakfast we were feeding the dog

we were making lunch we were I feel like literally we made each kid like three rounds of breakfast and you got to get them dressed and it was like you know get their backpacks ready get everything ready so and then we got about four different calls from school saying you didn't do this forgot this did you give them my number no I just didn't have my phone so they called me and I didn't answer so they said well try Andrew okay um well so that's that's where we're at and for those of you who are in different phases than us would love I have two requests would love for those who are in different phases to share their wisdom and learnings of whatever phase you're in or have been through second is if you've made it this far and you haven't yet please subscribe to

the show and give it a rating um I don't know we have fun fun here and I'm thankful for this show. So if you want to share it, go ahead, please. Jump on, babe. All right. The first stage of parenting. That we know well. That's right, is infancy. Yes. That's zero to one year old. Having a child that's zero to one year old. What makes this phase really special and amazing is you get to witness all these first. So the first smile, the first laugh, bear, our youngest, just started doing this. And he's like really interested in it. Actually, just a brag on him he's learning so much so he'll like mimic you if you go like with your tongue out he'll do that he likes to do the um so you witness a bunch of first there's this incredible development where

it goes from a little eight pound baby to then you see him sit up and then you see him crawl around and you see him flip and none of that sounds amazing but when you day to day see this little potato start developing it becomes amazing because you're so in the weeds with it um and they just become interactive i would say though i feel like they do a lot like some of the largest they grow the most in that year yeah more than like one two or two to three or ten to eleven like zero to one there's the most amount of change but i also think it's the absolute hardest on parents There's hormonal changes from both parties, both parents. There's identity changes, which we've tried to talk about and share a lot here.

Lifestyle changes, financial changes, schedule changes, priority changes, friend group changes. Probably more fear happens to in the first year than any other year. Again, I don't want to say this though because we haven't gone through elementary, middle school, teenage years, college years. I don't know. Also, if you're listening to this and hearing all these things and intimidated by it, don't be because all of the changes that we went through, even though it didn't feel like it in the immediate moment, I look back and, my gosh, the amount of maturing and improving and focusing that we have done and growing, we've connected so much.

Like our marriage and relationship has developed so beautifully. I've become a man in this process. I really feel that way. You think so? I'm becoming a man. I'm becoming a man. It's like, dude, you got to step up to the plate and freaking make plays. I have become just a rock star.

Yeah. Mom. Yeah, you, I'm kidding. No, I'll double tap that. I'll hit, yeah. Double tap that. Is that the right thing? I don't.

I don't know. So it really is an amazing. I think it's one of life's greatest adventures. And this zero to first year is very difficult. in these following ways. You have all these kind of physical hurdles you have to jump.

So there's sleepless nights. There's constant demands. Like the baby can't do anything. So they need to have their diaper chains. They need to be fed. They need to be soothed. Like there's a lot of developmental things that as a parent you feel responsible for.

So just you got to be so present, so hands on. And it's tough. Like it's, there's no real off switch for parenting. No. And with a young baby, you're probably not sending them to daycare in the first couple months for sure. So you're just there all the time and it's constant.

I was thinking about this today. We've said that the first four months were the most difficult on our marriage. And I think that's true for the first baby. I think for our second baby, it took us about five months after the birth to adjust. And I think for this baby, eight months. Eight months. I literally feel like now life is opening back up. We're kind of doing our thing together and the full breadth of it,

like making fun of each other. Yeah. I love doing that with you. Me too. So. I had said with this one it felt like double, but you have so much distraction with our third. So it's not just you and the baby.

Yeah. You, two toddlers and the baby. Yeah. It took us double the amount. out of time to find the groove. Yeah. One of the questions we had written down for this section is how does this face test you? And literally you're just put in, you're just put in some crazy situations where

imagine 1 a.m. you just got woken up, like jarred awake by a crying baby. So that's like a very flagrant feeling. There's something logistical that needs to be figured out between you and your partner and you're now both tired. You just both got whatever. You probably not had a lot of sleep leading up to this. Now your sleep got interrupted. Now there's a crying baby.

So like your cortisol levels are so high. There's sound machines. There's crying. You're trying to communicate through that. And it's impossible too. So you're saying, what did you say? And then all of a sudden, now you're mad because of that. And then it's like also it feels stressful because the baby's coughing.

Do we need to take him to the hospital? You're like, I don't know. There's just a lot of flying bullets, you know? It just, it's a time and period where you're navigating. getting so many unknowns because it's just new. And then it's also hard because on top of the sleepless nights, you then kind of wake up and start your day, and you're either staying home to parent all day,

which is such a beautiful thing, but also very taxing. It's a full-time job. Or you're going to work and someone else is watching your baby, whether it's a babysitter or a nanny or a daycare. And so then you're going to a full-time job. Which is like emotionally taxing? So there's...

I do feel like in kind of the infant and toddler years, there's no off switch. There's no like being able to sit down for a while and say, I'm going to do nothing. Yeah. And because also your breaks are like in five or 15 minute chunks where the baby's maybe sleeping, maybe not. And anyway.

If there are eight phases, we should move to the next time. I'm not in a rush. We said this the other day on Sadie Robertson's podcast that it's for those time periods in that phase of life. Like if there's a mom that sits down and has five minutes where it's like probably too tired, maybe doesn't want to make a phone call, doesn't have enough time to go out and see friends.

It's like if we can make a video that brings a smile to their face or makes them have a new thought or like pulls them out of that fog, then mission accomplished. That's what we're trying to do. It is wild that this phase, I feel like completely transforms the parent, but the baby doesn't remember a thing

if I was going to speak to myself back in the day I feel like we're in it right now what am I saying this phase goes by so quickly and it almost it has like this selfish feeling to it where like the baby will not remember this obviously they're

cleaning a lot of development through this but the cuddles and the dang like even in the middle of night in the moment it doesn't feel good but there's nothing like holding your child child when they're sleeping it's like magic and you don't really understand that until you do it i'll stop talking mike is yours no i agree with you i agree with you okay you want to move on to the second

phase second phase is toddlerhood that's when the child is about one to three years old this is what makes it so we're right ending this for our second child which is crazy and i'm sad right now i'm sad Because we're already through. But we have toddlerhood coming again. I know. It's amazing because there's first words in this phase. There's first steps. There's like this newfound independence and personality that's developing.

This is when our second oldest jet, he learned how to ride a bike before he was two. But like this passion and love he has for bike rides and dinosaurs. Like, oh, it's so fun to see. glimpse of who they're becoming. I also feel like this is truly when their personality starts to come out and you start to learn things about your kid and who they're going to become,

which is really cool. From zero to one, I'll put it this way. You're getting ready for your first birthday party. And you're like, I don't really know what they like, you know, baby toys and whatever. But by like the second birthday, you're like, my kid likes this.

Yeah, it's fine. You learn so much about your kid They start having preferences They like different colors You can tell if they like To pick out their clothes in the morning Or if they could care less You can see how they have preferences

Of how they go to sleep And what they want to sleep with And what they like to eat It's truly like their little personality Starts to form And it's so, so special Toddlerhood is so special Also I feel like physically

like their face starts to lean out usually you kind of it's they become less of a baby and more like oh my gosh that's what they're going to look like they start not looking like a baby like jet smile when i feel like yeah this is the phase that we started to see both of our kids just light up with smiles and you're like oh that is it's different than a baby smile they have full teeth yeah anyway you're starting to get haircuts and that's pretty fun this phase is challenging though because there's temper tantrums there's There's like this impulsivity with kids that they can't control. They're learning to control.

They're testing boundaries, exploring autonomy. Some people call this a terrible twos. I don't feel like we went through that phase. I feel like people say that to intimidate you, it's tough, but like it's not terrible twos. I think we have talked about this before, the book that we read for like discipline and kind of how to navigate that world and like teaching kids boundaries. It was called one, two, three, magic.

I think it describes the terrible twos, not outwardly, in the best way, which is it's more about the parent than it actually is the kids. Because I feel like the twos or the threes when they start challenging you and trying to figure out boundaries and the autonomy and, like, everything, it's less about the kid because they're very consistent. Yeah. It's more about, like, yourself and what your triggers are. and how much patience you have,

how many times can you repeat yourself, how firm can you stand your ground? Because the quicker you kind of define lines for your kids, actually, like, the easier it is for them. Because Andrew and I have talked about this a lot. I grew up around a bunch of families who I got to see very, very drastically different, like, disciplined lifestyles.

And not in like a spanking time, out kind of like what choose your method type of way it was more so kids who learned how to get away with things by pushing their parents far enough that they finally caved and kids who parents stood their ground and whatever it was it could be something as simple as can I have ice cream right now it's 6 a.m. in the morning and a parent being like no and truly standing that ground you can see that those like boundary lines are then if they're solid a kid gives up on it really quickly moving forward yeah there's a lot of dynamics at play there i feel like i'm so thankful for our constant communication of like sometimes it's intentional constant communication sometimes it's not but like just getting

on the same page so that we can define what our boundaries are honestly this podcast has been huge to discuss all the different things of what those boundaries entail. But then that way you can just like, we have a good sense of what our style is and what is acceptable and not acceptable to us,

that then we're able to collectively and consistently as a result communicate to our kids. Boundaries are so confusing though. I'm giggling because as a parent who gets tired, it's so easy to cave. But when you cave in an

inconsistent manner around your kids it becomes very confusing so it challenges them to push the boundaries even harder because they're like oh well mom and dad actually caved yesterday but they didn't cave before that i threw a bigger temper tantrum yesterday and they gave in so that's really confusing but and i and i the reason why i say boundaries are hard is because and i have a rule between the two of us of like we can't cave we can't show our kids that inconsistency that comes confuses them. And so every once in a while one of us will say something, and as soon as it leaves our mouth, we both look at each other like, ah, brick.

Yeah. Now we actually got to follow through with this when it wasn't that important to begin with. But you got to see it through to the end. But since you said no, or since you said you can't do this or whatever, now it's like, ah, here we go. One thing on that note that's helped Sean and I is not getting in a quarrel. then and they're like Sean don't tell them no yeah like don't do that in the moment when the kids are right there it's like no we try to be on the same page through the moment and then it'll be like

hey let's read like let's reassess this or address this later we have like weekly meetings or we try to bring up anything that's become a pattern and it kind of takes us out of the immediate emotions of the whole thing I will say going back to the terrible twos and the threes and the toddlerhood there are a lot of people who say they don't love it because of it's challenges, I think it's some of my favorite times with our kids because their personality comes out so much. Yeah, and then there's like PJs, and I love like the little baby kid fashion of like getting them dressed up and then there's just really precious because they're not really

independent yet. They're just looking to you and that's like really tender. But then you see a confidence come across with them for the first time of like, no, mama, I got it. And it's like, okay. They're starting to take risk a little bit and get outside their comfort zone. I love two and three.

Like the kids going to Sky Zone and jumping off into the foam. It's like that's always a big precious moment. What is, what, so far, what has been your hardest do you think average year with the kids? Well, this year. I think I have a distinct one.

This year's been the hardest. I mean like an age. I think none specifically. It's just the aggregate of, like okay now we got three kids one's a baby i'm trying to be the best parent to drew that i can be while also being like soaking up all these baby cuddles and it's always like this tension so i don't have an answer i think i do have an answer i think the hardest year for me and i i remember feeling it with drew and i felt it with jet is from one to two oh i get that because they're mobile but

they can't communicate and they're not mature enough which it's not it's not It sounds funny to say mature. But, like, they're in such a developmental stage where, like, they can't talk, they can't communicate, they can't rationalize anything. They're just mobile little things. Yeah, I get that. That get hurt. I double-tapped that.

One of the questions we had written down is, how does a toddler girl different from a toddler boy? We know friends that say for boys, ages three to four, or the age three to four is tough. Like they're just little butt heads, I think is specifically how they said it. Honestly, I don't know, I don't know if it's boy or girl for us. I feel like it's birth order, too, and personality types. Like, our daughter is the oldest, and she's a perfectionist, and she, like. Type A.

Yeah, so she wants to listen. She wants to people, please. She wants. Our boys just swatting stuff left and right, really well-mannered, but, like, very physical. No. He's defiant. He's. He'll poke back.

a little bit but he's just testing the waters i think um so yeah the phys you start to see though our three-year-old boy our our daughter is super physically capable our son is two years younger and like just enjoys being physical more than our girl yeah and definitely it's prone to take more risks um anyway someone asked me the other day gentle parenting or like not and i said i think it depends on the kid and said but if you've had a boy I don't know how to how you gentle parent and the person just started busting out laughing she said finally someone who understands it and I was like boys just I mean I don't I think it also goes further than that past girl and boy I think it's just different per kid I think every kid is wired differently even in the coaching world

every kid is wired differently and responds differently to different things Yeah. Last thought. We mentioned the one, two, three, magic is kind of the book we've used for disciplining. We would recommend it, yes, because it's worked for us and it has been helpful to us. But also, really, I think there's other disciplinarian techniques that would also be equally helpful. I think it's worth strategizing and coming with the system for. Because what you don't want is the reaction of, like, I don't know how to respond. of this so I'm going to just unleash my emotions. Yeah. My favorite thing about one, two, three, magic was less about the, like, actual

disciplinary style to input. What I liked about that book was it in-depth explained developmentally where kids are each year and how you, in a psychological way as an adult parent, have to act in order for that kid to actually understand you. Yeah. Like, it more so taught you about the psychology of kids and how kids can actually process

information. Yeah. I'm kind of catching the vibes that you're enjoying this podcast. I think you're into this. You're kind of dragging your feet there, trying to act like... It's not dragging my feet. Okay, first of eight phases that we've written and broken down is infancy, second is toddlerhood.

third is preschool age now we have two in this face this stage is really special because there's real drastic development of language skills imagination oh my gosh we've seen that this phase is really sad to me there's more vivid expressions of like curiosity and then they start to spark real friendships too oh my gosh this was a huge new chapter for us the kids came home from whatever they were doing last week and immediately they wanted to go play at the neighbor's house and I was like no no

that's crazy it's really fun to see but they're like wanting different relationships than just the parents as a parent you have to manage energy levels of the preschool also it's hard because like with Amex Platinum access to exclusive Amex pre-sale tickets

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totally different at home um they have a lot of questions our three-year-old asked why we were at the barbershop yesterday and the little guy was just like why why why what's that why why um and you have to prepare the kids for school emotionally physically still because you're probably still getting them dressed and like intellectually so now it's like hey we need to work on the ABCs we need to work counting she's struggling when we get to uh she can count to 11 but then after that it gets confusing which by the way why is the numbers 11 to 20 so different you have 21 22 23 in every language it's different yeah 11 12 13 14 14 like at 15 yeah anyways yeah i agree i think three to five is is hard because you're less teaching boundaries,

you're more teaching, like, life skills already, which is so intimidating. You're taking, you're having to simplify very, very large concepts to them now. So, stranger danger. You're following your subconscious, what's right and wrong, the concept of God or like nutrition all of these things you're like values you actually start

having to teach now so respect responsibility thoughtfulness helpfulness kindness um consequence you teach that younger but now it's larger yeah it's a it's a lot this is very sad to me this age is very sad because I feel so much in this phase like my time with them is already fleeting before like real school starts. That's how I feel too. And it's scary. Like to know our daughter is going after kindergarten next year,

I'm just like how. But it's also so beautiful. I'm one of those parents that will forever feel like I don't have enough time. We should talk about that. I think it's Jordan Peterson talks about the age. of four to five being like there does feel like a shift of it being so internally focused for us as a family and it's so like just all of us are huddled together emotionally and spiritually and then by the age of five like they start exploring the world beyond us and in different ways like the friendships we talked about

also I think he talks about by the age of four or five they need to be well socialized or like well liked by other kids and parents because if not by age five they're going to be the kid of like we don't want our kids hanging out with little jimmy you know they're not well disciplined or whatever so anyway it's kind of pivotal in that sense there's so many things to balance as a parent whereas like party wants to keep them home forever and stay home with them forever And then part of you is like, no, they need to socialize. They need to be around friends. Going to a daycare or a school can be a really good thing for times at different days. There's just so much. And it's good for them to see work. And we were talking the other day to Drew about why do you work? It's like, well, it's a really kind of cool format to meet other people and bless other people

and to build relationships and to use the skill set that God's given you. And anyway, I would love your perspective on that. But like, they need to see that too. I feel like whatever that means to you. Maybe it's like working the garden at home or whatever. But I feel like that's good to see the application of how you spend your time. Anyway, so just perspective, three of the eight phases take us to age five. Now you'll start seeing bigger blocks of time.

The fourth of eight phases is the early school age, and that's ages five to 12 years old. I presume, and this is where I'm pulling outside sources, this phase is special because you get to watch a child grow into their own interests and talents, even more so, like really see that blossom. There's participation in school activities as a result of that, and then those friendships, like, really mold. I have lifelong friends that I made in this phase of life. In early school years? Justin, yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, for sure.

Not you? No. I feel like this is so, I mean, this takes us to middle school. Yeah. You know? It's challenging, though, because helping the child deal with different social issues, like peer pressure. My gosh. Bullying.

Yeah, bowling and then supporting them through school and all the successes and failures of that would be difficult. I feel a little out of the water here because we don't have any kids this age. I know. I also feel like potentially, again, I don't know, but I do feel like it's within the early school ages that you will see their vulnerabilities and their natural strengths. So do we need tutors?

do we need speech therapy more so like i guess you can pick up that younger um do are they you know someone who has a hard time socializing with like large groups do they have a hard time learning i feel like more vulnerabilities will show themselves within those years the book anxious generation and jonathan height talk about before the age of like 13 14 i think is being pivotal because there's so much neurology going on and like your brain is just developing that it is, I mean, we need to be, we're going to need to be so cautious

in navigating what our kids introduced to. It's like a certain type of discipline to keep them growing, but not overwhelmed with like crazy new concepts, you know? Anyway, it does feel like this age and Faye's peers and friends start to play a bigger role that freaks me out you know i'm so excited and i don't want to be overbearing i feel like i'll have a tendency to but like what friends are they going to make because it's so

formational i know and then what adults are those friends going to introduce them to you know it's like justin's dad my childhood friend's father he married us he's a he's a mentor of mine. It also, Andrew and I have talked about this age probably the most in particular of and maybe the next one too a little bit

but wanting to be that safe haven home where all the kids come to to play. Probably because we have trust issues. Control issues. Yeah. But like I want to be the house that all the kids come to to play and that's because

I feel like I can control what they're all exposed to. Sean's working on that as we speak, so we'll keep you updated, but how can we make it the most fun, safe, like, healthily adventure-oriented place? Yeah. Next phase.

You ready? I don't have to send my kids off to. Yeah, because also, well, this, I feel like there's people that start doing summer league travel for their kids because we're trying to get college scholarships by the age of 12. youth sports we have a whole different thought on i think there's a podcast out that we've done it

search for it anyway i feel strongly about developing strong family culture together but the fifth of eight stages is the adolescence phase this is when the kids around 13 to 18 years old really special because you get to see your child mature into an individual with distinct opinions hopes and dreams and aspirations and then maybe get a hint of like this adult-like interaction which I read a book by Andy Stanley forget the exact title of it but it's about parenting and it's like the goal for raising a child should be to have a great relationship with them when they're adults and it's like I think one two three magic has the whole premise of how can we we raise

responsible contributing adults, right? So you start to see that in this phase. It's hard, though, because there's mood swings, puberty around here. There's this desire for independence and, like, trying to establish themselves. There's, like, the youthful rebellion that's a tale as old as time.

There's more risk-taking. And that can use. usually define the teenage years. Dude, you can get in trouble in this age. Big trouble. You get your license and then all of a sudden maybe you get like speeding ticket, whatever. You're like just, if we can just get our kids through this unscating. I know.

I'm just to say, I feel like it potentially will start younger in today's culture and world, but I do feel like 13 to 18 is this world in age where that adult-like interaction and desire for independence is a, hard. There's a gray line there between your kids thinking they are mature enough to have that independence. Oh, hi, buddy. Who's the best? You are? I wish I could spend all day with you instead. Uh, Dave, you're off mute. Hey, happens to the best of us. Enjoy some goldfish cheddar crackers. Goldfish have short memories. Be like goldfish.

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all the big things, big trouble, big exposure. I mean, full transparency here, 13 to 18, I traveled the world by myself. That's crazy. You were an adolescent. I was an adolescent. Your brain was just frigging. My very first international competition where I was so low,

I was 13, 12. And you turned professional and started getting like a paycheck? At 12. So you were a freaking early school age, according to this breakdown. Your life intrigues me, to be honest. I get that. We're both in counseling, so that's great. How are you in your teenage years?

I feel like I was a third kid. I had two rambunctious older brothers. I was very independent. I think I mostly made good decisions, but I definitely almost got arrested several times. So however that nets out, like usually a good kid, cared about school,

participated in school activities, almost got arrested, mostly because of my driving. I think these two for me are reversed. So the next one you have is young adulthood. I think as an adolescent, I had so much pressure and responsibility put on me that I wasn't allowed,

to be a kid and that wasn't from my parents but it was from the Olympics and the USA national team and traveling and I had such pressure to like be an adult to keep myself safe to keep myself healthy to perform for our country and do well that by the time I hit the next phase where you're supposed to be maturing I went backwards and it was like I need to go back and Wow. Because I was such, you know, I was so perfect. I had to be like, let me go be a kid and let me go probably make poor choices and do what all my friends were doing. I don't know how to say that.

What other sport is like gymnastics and how you go to pro so early? It's very unique. I mean, we know that there's a young skateboarder. Young skateboarder, young swimmer. often you have like child actors and all these TikTok stars now it's kind of unnatural I do think it is a nut it yeah it's just extreme it's extreme this is a hot take thought but we always talk about compounding in all aspects of life and it's like everyone financially especially will be like the earlier you start the better

I don't think that applies to age 12 though I think there needs to be like a maturing and building a framework and scaffolding of life that then you can build the house on. I do think, for the most part, I was a very lucky kid that, like I had a coach that really wanted to protect that childlike mind that I naturally had, because I was an adolescent.

And even outside when we would be traveling the world, for the United States and doing stuff, he would still allow me to be that kid in waves. He desperately tried to protect that from me or for me. But yeah, I think putting too much responsibility on an age that's not ready for it can have negative consequences. And by not ready for it,

there's a couple different things that come, like literally from a brain development. That's what I mean. But also I think it's like an experiential standpoint, from like a mentorship or community standpoint. Yes. Anyway. Because my adolescence then took me into my adulthood where I didn't have those friendships

that you naturally form in school. I didn't have that ability to socialize with peers who were my age. I was a 13-year-old who was only around adults. I didn't know how to be around kids. it was like it took a lot of time for me to kind of level out and balance back out what I missed so I do think you

jeopardize that and forcing your kid to grow up too fast and again that has nothing to do with my parents that had to do with my career shout out to you though to your credit and this is a by the way if you're listening again this podcast for Sean and I is invaluable

because I just love the conversations we get to have And I learned about you here eight years in the marriage. But I have been more impressed by you in the last three weeks. I've always been so impressed by you. And I thought we were at the ceiling. But you've just... The past three weeks.

You've just impressed me. Why? You've taken on a new resolve and, like, perspective. Thank you, baby. And I'm really impressed by. Thank you, baby. All right. Six of eighth phase.

we're going to call this young adulthood it's going to be around 18 to 23 years old mostly I'm categorizing this in like the college age years wild to look at it's just wild to look at do you agree with these breakdowns so far

I'm learning them as we go but young adult so high school's over this is just like the generic trajectory high school's over maybe you go to college maybe you don't still you're like kind of getting your first job maybe you like enroll in the arm

me, whatever. It's special because as a parent, you could observe your child making independent life choices, whether careers or relationships, like my brother got married, met his significant his spouse when he was 19, and you start to see the culmination of your parenting efforts. I'm like, all right, this thing's fully baked. You know, like, legally. They're independent now. Hit pause on whatever you're listening to and hit play on your next adventure. This fall get double points on every qualified stay.

Life's the trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. Visit bestwestern.com for complete terms and conditions. Which is crazy. This phase is challenging though because as a parent you have to let go and allow the kid to experience life on their own terms, maybe make their own mistakes.

and not intervene as much, or you can't, and you shouldn't, maybe. So that's tough. Do you have thoughts on this phase? Again, I can only relate this phase to myself because we don't have kids this old. But 18 to 23 was I finished high school, retired from gymnastics,

moved out of, of my parents' house, became completely independent, rebelled against everything that I knew, made every major mistake I've made in life in this year. Including dating me. Met you, got engaged and got married. In this phase? In this face.

A young adult. Which is wild. And it is. It's such, I think, I think 18 to 23 is the scariest time. Because you have kids in college who are truly trying to figure out everything they've learned in life so far. They're trying to figure out how to implement it into their own world. And they're most likely going to veer off for a while and be like, oh, wait, my way actually isn't as good as I was taught. So I'm going to come back to what I was taught.

But it is such a crazy time of letting them. go off this is the Amish term rum springa which is where the Amish youth leave their homes

and have like a year limbo period to reenter adulthood I don't know like just when you look at rights of passage across time and cultures

this does feel like a pivotal time yeah it's a scary time even how the law is set up like we talked about yeah because even how like thinking about this health insurance you're still considered child yeah and these years i slapped on this because you're under health insurance still 25 right 25 uh super arbitrary fluid

obviously some people mature faster than others but i i found it helpful to break it into these chunks and maybe it reflects my development um the seventh phase is adulthood roughly ages 20 24 to 30 to 35 like settle into a career maybe a second career um and you start to here here's what weird in life wait adulthood only goes to 35 well as a parent here's why i'm i'm open to suggestions here look i'm open to suggestions but i feel like as a kid going through it your life goes in four-year blocks roughly until you graduate or sorry until after your first job after like college roughly because you're talking like preschool and then you have elementary school and then you have middle school and you have high school then you have college and you have your first career

and then and then adulthood is like the long and steady and it's kind of like when is that when am I going to graduate to the next thing because you're kind of used to the four-year chunks and you think you graduate to the next thing at 35? Here's why. As a parent, I'm just saying around 35, maybe your child now has kids. How does that work? Your 35-year-old kid has kids. Oh. This is, the age of your kid is 24 to 35 in adulthood.

And then the grandparent phase is when your child is 35. So it's when your child potentially becomes parent. Yes. again that's going to be fluid but like then as we've experienced it's a totally different relationship with your parents right and it's like more hands off um whatever there's all the the old tropes about being a grandparent but what are your thoughts we're running out of time already running out of time oh with our kids yeah it's special i'm excited and i can't wait to get to to know our kids as they grow up we should quit our job go home forever a couple things that come to

mind i've heard the ages of four to 14 with your kids it's called the golden decade and it's like just a really tender place because they're not super independent they don't have the driver's license i've had the thought of like how can we just maximize that 10 years with each of our kids it's hard what a what a blessing and treat it is to be a parent not a blessing and a treat uh let us know your thoughts on how i broke this down let us know your lessons that you've learned we're here for it you have closing thoughts on this i think we should have a team meeting you and i you're deep in this i'm deep i think we got to reconfigure our life a little bit to protect some more time with our children right now.

To me, this helps see what's ahead of us. I know. I'm glad we did this because maybe we do change based off of like the preset blocks that we're about to walk into with the phase of our kids. But our kids are little and what we have ahead of us is time. Thank goodness. But it's a responsibility and I want to show up for our kids well. Me too.

So let's sit there. it. Good job, baby. I want to set the framework of love, honesty, compassion, all these fruits of the spirit things. It's a real honor to shape the kids. And are you just trying to zoom through that? Yeah. You're ready to close us out. That's a new podcast, what you're about to get. You're all in your vibes right now. No, I'm just thinking it's been an hour. All right, we'll close it. Thank you for our TED Talk, for listening to our TED Talk. If you made it this far, please subscribe to the show. Hit the like button. What?

These are the life lessons I want to teach them. It's truly just a new podcast. All right. We'll do a whole other podcast on there. I just, I was trying to do a good job with that. You did a phenomenal job. Thank you. Thank you for sharing.

I love you. Did I dominate this podcast? Yeah, but in a beautiful, beautiful way. All right. That's how we have. I'm Andrew. I'm shocked. Next time.