Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 238 | Busting Marriage Myths part 2

Episode Date: November 27, 2024

Today we debunked some common myths about marriage that, honestly, we really disagreed with! It was interesting to look at some misconceptions people have about what happens when you say “I Do” and share our take on them. Marriage is so special to us and although it takes work, it’s SO worth it! Let us know if you’ve heard any other marriage myths in the comments below!  Love you guys! Shawn and Andrew  Follow our podcast Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/shawnandandrewpods/ Subscribe to our newsletter ▶ https://www.familymade.com/newsletter Follow My Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/ShawnJohnson Follow My Tik Tok ▶ https://www.tiktok.com/@shawnjohnson Shop My LTK Page ▶ https://www.shopltk.com/explore/shawnjohnson  Like the Facebook page! ▶ https://www.facebook.com/ShawnJohnson Follow Andrew’s Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/AndrewDEast Andrew’s Tik Tok ▶ https://www.tiktok.com/@andrewdeast?lang=en Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. what's up everybody welcome back to a couple things with Sean and Andrew podcast all about couples and the things they go through yesterday we did part one of marriage myths and today we're going to try to finish them I feel like we still have

about 20 so who knows today's also Drew's birthday if I break down spontaneously crying at any moment it's because I love that girl so much Sean is I am very concerned today. How many times are I cried already? I cried in Drew's classroom when we were reading her the book. I literally walked into the studio and Andrew's bawling. I was singing, I sang her a song. Yeah.

You're going to miss this by Trace Adkin. Yeah. Obviously gonna cry. Yeah. But I'm not just like, I am not spontaneously. There's no deeper sadness here. That's what you think. I just, I love that girl.

The amount of times of Asked Andrew is like, are, like, are we good today and he's like I'm just emotional I'm like I can clearly see that and you just end it there I don't know what I was to tell you like that's literally it you remember the first year of her life how I would cry I would pretty much go to bed crying when I would put her to sleep yeah it's pretty much it just think about how much she's grown up don't you're gonna make I love her and we had a fantastic weekend as we said said but today is her birthday and we're going to the zoo tonight with costumes and then we got Halloween this week with costumes yeah we have so many costumes this week we have the boo at

the zoo tonight uh Halloween party and parade at the school tomorrow Halloween party at a friend's house tomorrow night oh that's right trick or treating on Thursday All the kids. Yes. It's all kids. Oh, fun. That'll be great. Yeah. I didn't know that.

Yeah. Fun. Okay. But we digress. Today we are here to do the second part of busting marriage miss. Okay. And if you like the first part and you're back again, subscribe to the show. Please, that'd do us a big favor.

You want to dive into this first one? Yeah. The myth states, Married couples must do everything together. Reality is, it's good to have separate interests and things you enjoy doing individually. Hear me out. If you did every single thing together,

you would have nothing to talk about. But I actually, we do a lot of things together. We do. You know? But we very, like, we both need our space. I guess you're right. I work out alone. I read alone.

You work alone. You watch your show. alone you do now honestly if it was up to me we'd be watching them together no we crushed no we wouldn't you would fall asleep I don't watch a single show if we can watch like an afternoon matinee show no that will never happen I like doing things with you so this statement I'm like a little iffy about I love doing life with you we do we do most everything together but no you don't have to do everything together I think it's a great spot to be at where you're able to say you can get protein at home or a protein latte at tim's no powders no blenders

no shakers starting at 17 grams per medium latte tim's new protein lattes protein without all the work at participating restaurants in canada hey i love you so much i would like to do this alone though you know it kind of it kind of shows a matured in communication yeah to be able to say that with lovingly and receive it lovingly i love you so much but i need space second Having kids will always bring you closer. Reality is that while having children can bring joy, it can also introduce new stresses and challenges. Yeah, I think having children does bring joy.

It's not a can bring joy. It does bring joy. And it also does introduce new stresses and challenges. And I think those two go hand in hand. And I think in a very weird way, kids bring you a lot closer because you're now truly connected on a level that you can't explain.

Yeah, there ain't no going back from that point, you know? No. But it also makes it harder to prioritize your marriage so you can feel more distant at times with kids because you're sharing your spouse with someone. Yeah. Yeah, I think it makes a lot of precious memories that kind of cement the relationship.

I think it also makes, it's like you're kind of going into battle together. You're walking into the unknown, the abyss of the uncertain, and it's like that can bring you closer. The hard part about kids is if you lose your priorities, in the sense of your spouse should always come before your kids because that's how you as teammates can raise your kids the best

then yeah it can be hard on your marriage yeah you got the third marriage will solve all of your problems reality underlying problems can intensify if not addressed before marriage I actually think marriage exposes all of your problems yeah it adds a lot of problems

yeah yeah and that's a beautiful thing though yeah it exposes every flaw every vulnerability everything well it's like the like we mentioned the first time to be fully known and fully love inevitably in the being fully known there are issues with you and perfections you know it's just kind of part of it i learned this in my counseling on my side something that we talked about a lot is they talked about your problem i didn't know you had problems i didn't really something that she would talk to me a lot about is she said majority of women that she sees all have this like underlying belief of

if only he knew he wouldn't still be with me if only he saw this side of me he would leave and it is that like marriage will solve all your problems it won't. You will have to work through every problem you have ever had with your spouse in a very vulnerable way. But if you can show that and work through it, that's such a beautiful thing. Yeah, I agree. Which kind of leads in to, I think, to the next one. Myth is

marriage is a cure for loneliness. Reality is a good marriage can provide companionship, but it's not a guaranteed cure for loneliness. Emotional intimacy takes effort. And I think if you're trying to hide your problems, you could feel the most lonely in marriage. If you're trying to solve a problem with marriage, it will only make it worse. And I don't mean that because marriage will make a problem worse. But it's like no human being on the face of the earth

is going to solve one of your problems. Like we have friends who are like, if only I had a husband or a wife and could have kids. And like, if only I could do that, I would be happy. and if only I found my person, if only I found someone who was X, Y, and Z, then I'd be good.

No, your problems will get intensified. Yeah, and there's no end to that desire. Like, you're calling them problems. I'm calling them desires. But it's like we have infinite desires as humans and finite time, right? Or finite resources. So there is ultimately,

I don't think anything that could fill that gap, feel the difference there. So it's kind of like a you thing, you know? And it's like, hey, if I acknowledge that I do have problems and if I acknowledge that marriage does not cure my every aching need, then it actually unlocks this next phase of marriage where it's like, oh, sweet. I'm loving you voluntarily

I'm loving you out of abundance not out of scarcity I'm loving you not to get my problem solved or because I need anything from you it's just because this is a beautiful thing you know it's the age old story where people in the dating world are like

they're searching searching searching searching for the person and it's like when they finally give up and they learn to be content with themselves and their life and they you know stop actively trying to fill a void

they usually find a person it's a maturing process in a lot of different ways okay next one marriage is a 50-50 partnership reality in different seasons you may give more than you receive in a successful marriage

you may not be giving the same amount of effort all the time depending on circumstances agreed I think I agree wait I disagree wait I disagree with the wait what the myth is marriage is a 50 50 partnership do you agree or disagree I don't think that's a myth I think that's real you think marriage is a 50 50 partnership yes but I also agree

with the reality like I think it's saying the same thing I think at the end of your marriage it will average out to be 50-50 it should average out to be 50 50 50 you're from a contribution standpoint yeah I disagree with that contribution in what way that that's worth exploring how are you meaning in every ask in effort and love and showing up and support respect trust if you if you if I in our marriage I'm giving, you know, 80% all the time of, like, pursuing you. But you're just kind of like complacently there, given 20% for the entire marriage.

It's not going to work. I agree. So I do think the yin and yang there has to equal out. Contribute monetarily, no. Or task-wise or... No, but I think overall in the grand scheme average of life, it has to be equal. I think from a task standpoint, that's almost like a perception thing. So if you each can come to terms and be content with how much each of you is contributing

and feel good about it. So it's like there's no resentment of me feeling, whether it's true or not, that you're slacking or overshadowing me you know what I'm saying then we're good like that's that's a perception thing from a task standpoint I think the if I'm looking at a marriage I guess the the way it's phrased of 50 50 like each person makes up half of it I think is true I'm I'm almost imagining like you know two generals having to meet in the middle of the battlefield and like debrief every like you both need to meet there the yin and yang as you say like the effort of coming together yeah because also it can't be a

dictatorship you can't have like a i don't think it's going to work out well if you have someone who's making every decision and doing every possible like yeah i i think i actually think it has to be 50 50 but i think we're also reading and interpreting the statement maybe different than someone wrote well i hear that all the time so i'm glad we're discussing it But I think from an individual standpoint, it's like 100-100 partnership. Like both need to really be bought in. Agree. But I, the contribution, the way Sean and I have navigated our marriage and every marriage is different.

But like, I think we do have an untraditional, unorthodox marriage in a lot of ways. Okay. But I also think we also have a very traditional marriage in a lot of ways. Sure. Yeah. But I think we have done a good job at collaborating and delegating tasks so that we do still come together and we each do kind of own certain things. And then we all, we humble ourselves and concede certain things.

You know what I'm saying? It's like a, it's a partnership. Yeah, it is. It's like. I'd be really curious to know what you find unorthodox about our marriage. I'm thinking we know people that, that essentially um

try to preserve like this concept of head of a household from a financial standpoint from a public role standpoint and we know people that have a wife that could be the leader of an organization

yeah that they don't allow that to happen because I mean they have kids and whatever there's a there's a million different because they don't believe in that yeah essentially it's kind of like a it's a philosophical yeah so ours is different like you are the public face of our family yeah which is fine i think obviously in different ways like in a local community i think a lot of times it is i think a lot of times it is the the husband that is more of the outward facing which i think is accurate in our local community sure yeah yeah yeah so yeah i don't know Yeah.

Anyway, next, myth. If you love the person enough, marriage comes easy. Reality, maintaining a healthy marriage requires ongoing effort and dedication from both partners. I just want to, like, I want to get rid of this in culture, and I don't know how. But I think marriage is the most beautiful thing in the world. I think if you truly invest yourself into a marriage. the benefits that you reap from it are just the greatest. But I hate so much how this is like a myth,

but something that's widely spread, this idea of like, well, if you truly find the one, it's easy. It should be blissful. It should be, you know, marriage. I think you and I have one of the best marriages in the world, byously. I think so too.

And maybe that's true, maybe it's not, but we each feel it. We each feel it, yeah. You know what I'm saying? But like, I truly dislike even the concept of marriage being easy. Because I actually don't believe that's biblical. I think it's dangerous too when you think, oh, our marriage is hard, so I'm doing something wrong or they're doing something wrong. Or something in the marriage is wrong. When really it's just like, that's the way it is.

Yeah. You know, it is difficult and that's a. good thing yeah you know that's why I want I just want that to go away I don't want people to be like oh marriage marriage is easy no it's not marriage should be difficult because if it if it's difficult that means you're trying really hard every day to make it the best it can possibly be there's a saying that's like it's simple but it's difficult you know and I think to extrapolate from that it's like it's hard but it's good you know and it's we're not you you don't shy away from one because it's it's hard or

you don't just assume like oh it's simple so I should be able to do it you know it's like I think the only thing in this myth that's accurate is this idea that if you're married if you love a person enough to get married to them then the hard work should be an easy decision does that make sense yeah if it means that much to you yeah if you're honoring the commitment you've made because of the love you have which the love can be a roller coaster at times too it comes in waves then the decision to try is what should be easy it's uh what do you want in life that's easy you know I think our default mode is to want the easiest most comfortable least aggravating situation but anything but when you zoom out and this is this is 30s

andrew talking so we've been through enough stuff I feel like that's been difficult yeah that has turned out really good for us to look back and say no this is this is true but anything that's come athletically from a family standpoint from a business standpoint it's like man when we went through that phase of nixing so many businesses that was so hard but gosh was it good yeah or we went through the phase of the early days of starting our business that was freaking hard we're grinding but it's good you know what I'm saying it's like if you talk to founders or you listen to these interviews people that started their businesses in a garage and oh my gosh those are like we were living off of ramen noodles or whatever it's like that's not

easy but it's good and that's what people always look back on and cherish with nostalgia and that's kind of what I think is worth pursuing rather than comfort or like this giddy happiness or whatever however you're defining that so anyway yeah it does require ongoing effort and dedication from both partners and I think right now I just had to reveal revelation that like it does require ongoing effort yeah like we made it through a tough part of parenting and it's still going to require ongoing you're just you're just now realizing that well we're coming out of a heavy face we're going to be grinding for the rest of our life we're coming out of a heavy face so I was like oh we're good you know but anyway myth but you guys

Miff. Married life is more boring than single or dating life. Reality. Couples can keep their relationships exciting by continuing to explore new activities and interests together. What do you mean boring? I enjoy married life more than single or dating life. I did not enjoy that life. Oh, yeah.

I enjoyed it when I found you. But even then, it's like there's so much uncertainty that... It is, dating is a fun phase of life because of the breadth of variety, right? Of like, hey, this, I'm dating this girl and she's interesting because that's why, like, we had a friend who is like, they're dating like, they like three different girls. Yeah. One because they're hilarious. One because they're really good at conversation. Yeah.

And one because she, he thinks it's like wifey. And it's like, you know, there is a fun breadth of variety. but marriage is really fun because of the depth of getting to know someone. So anyway, I think it's all good phases. Marriage is definitely, it's a good place to end, though, I think. Yeah, I don't miss the singular dating life. Yeah, me neither. Good.

Could you imagine? I do. I'm glad you brought it up because I've been doing. That's weird. Some people are actually like, you know. That's sad. Anyway Also, let's just talk about the boring

If you feel like marriage is boring Then you're not doing it right And I mean that in the sense of like Just because you're married Doesn't mean you can't be adventurous And spontaneous And go try new things And take risks

And like marriage isn't the end of your life It's something really, really great Because now you get to explore life with your best friend. And it's like if you're bored, then increase your curiosity. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. Look harder. Yeah. Because there's something there. Next, myth. You must have the perfect wedding for a successful marriage. Reality, the quality of the wedding

has no bearing on the quality of the marriage. Focusing on the relationship is more important than the wedding day. Yeah. Total myth. But I really, did not like the whole wedding popping circumstance the whole like

oh my gosh it needs to be perfect you know people always say well when you when you raise people to think that this is the most important day of their life then this is what you're going to get is like this really intense focus on that yeah I think I have there's definitely

a line that we can cross but I think I've increased my appreciation for how amazing wedding day is yes with getting everybody there That really is a once-in-a-lifetime thing. It is worth putting time and effort and resources into making it special. It's also like the first day of the Sean and Andrew family, you know,

so it's kind of setting the whole stage for your vibe together, but it can be cross. It can be too much. For sure. And a perfect wedding has nothing to do with budget. Let's say that. you don't have to have an expensive wedding for it to be a perfect wedding

or for it to be the most meaningful wedding for you and for your family and also different things. Like if it rains, that's fine. That has no effect on your marriage. Unless you get all heady about it. And then you're like, oh, shoot, our wedding, our marriage is doomed.

And then all of a sudden things change because of that, right? I know a lot of people who are like, oh, if this doesn't go right, it must not be the right person. And like, don't let an event ruin what it is you're celebrating. There's like a little mental resilience that you need to have. Like, no, it's fine.

You know, like, and it's going to be fine. I remember with our wedding day, too, we put a lot of resources into it. We put on a beautiful wedding. But I remember our wedding planner being like, oh, we have to buy a rain tent. Because it can't rain on your guests. It can't rain on you and your beautiful dress. all this stuff. And I was like, do you know what? If it rains, we're going to have a blast.

I'm not buying rain tent. Yeah. Like, those will be epic pictures. It's just like, don't care that much about the little things that don't matter. At the end of the only thing that matters is like, you say I do. Also, what does perfect mean? It's different for you than it is for your mom, than it is for the wedding planner, that it is for your father-in-law.

You know what I'm saying? it's like so as long as you two are happy with how the whole thing goes down I think is good yeah but like the wedding plan there's perfect definition was everyone stayed dry and we have all these contingency backups and that's not everybody's definition so I think it does get tough because there's so many perspectives at play when you have how many people do we have at our wedding 400 yeah that's a lot of perspectives right that's a lot of perspectives and people are just hot take slinging them your way. So, whatever.

Next. Myth, a bigger engagement ring means your spouse loves you more. Everything about that statement is false. A ring has nothing to do. The reality says the size of ring has nothing to do with the amount of love in a relationship. Some people prefer smaller rings.

Others love bigger rings. Some people don't get rings. Some people, like, no, it has nothing to do with how much you love each other. Yeah. I agree. Yeah. I wanted to elope for our wedding.

Yeah. Didn't happen. And I also, true story, went dead broke, negative, in debt to buy Sean's wedding ring. But I'm glad I did it. Like, it's okay now. I would not recommend it by any means. But it's a good story. Anyway, I thought you do kind of feel expectations.

And there is this beautiful feeling of obligation that, like, I want. to get you something that's incredible yeah even though diamonds still to me are like yeah i love diamonds i know you do yeah and you know what i don't fully understand that it's okay but what i do appreciate is your love for diamonds i you know what i don't fully understand your love for i i appreciate it okay okay fair fair fair fair fair fair my ring is very special I don't appreciate diamonds like you do, but I do appreciate you. I appreciate you too.

Thus, by extensions, I appreciate diamonds, you know. Yeah. I'm sorry we didn't elope. I didn't know this. Don't care. It's not a big thing for me. Ain't a hill I'm going to die on. I know.

I had a freaking great time at our wedding. Same. Next. The myth is if you love your spouse, you shouldn't need time apart. Reality is personal space and time apart can actually enhance the relationship by allowing you to recharge.

Because I love you, I need him part. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. You got the last one. Marriage should be your top goal. Reality. It's not the goal for everyone. Personal happiness and fulfillment can come from other areas outside of marriage.

It's interesting. People have different perspectives on this, even in the Bible. Paul says, it's better not to be married. And if you look at all these geniuses throughout history, like... He says that point blank? Yeah. Wow. Can I find the verse?

It's good for a man to have a wife and for a woman to have a husband, yada, yada. Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me. A simpler life in many ways. But celibacy is not for everyone. any more than marriages right god gives the gift of single life to some the gift of married life to others do you have you ever heard that verse i think so but then in psalm what do we just read is it psalm 18 it says blessed is a man who has a wife so there's different perspective yeah on that uh which is great you know life looks different life does look different i don't think it needs

to be the top goal for everyone i don't think it needs to be a goal for everyone I think I am biased and I love marriage and I love spending my life with you and I wish everybody could feel that but if that's not for them that's not for them that's okay I think I have empathy for the people

who desire marriage and it's not in the cards form I think I have no empathy for the people that get married and have a desire for singleness and you know what i'm saying yeah that is a that is not an empathetic situation for me and i we've said this before there are a lot of great ways to live a good life and i think marriage and having kids is one of them obviously some people don't get married or can't get married some people don't have kids or can't have kids

and you there's still a lot of great ways to live a good life you know so anyway I don't know what have we got like 80 years on the planet and then kick the bucket it's all done maybe if you're lucky 80 years so it's like just do the thing we're going to be married in heaven too but okay we got to check theology on that there you waiting for your single life up there no I enjoyed these. I mean, some of these were more thought-provoking than others, like the engagement ring.

Maybe some people believe that myth. But you kind of like looking at people's rings. Yeah, I appreciate jewelry. Yeah. You do a great job at maintaining and keeping up your ring.

I appreciate that. I will say this, though. I don't look at people's rings and be like, oh, she's got a husband that loves her more than her husband. No, you like the design. I like the design. Yeah, it's strictly just like I enjoy the.

It's kind of a fun thing to celebrate, too, almost like a conversation starter. Anyway, thank you all for listening. And if you could do us a favor, leave us a rating, like we said. And don't forget to follow. We have a little Instagram page for the podcast. Sean and Andrew Pods on Instagram.

We'll cross-post clips every now and then, but there's a lot more videos that go live on that. So do that. And if you're listening, remember, we do have a YouTube channel that has a video version it's pretty much the same content but if you like watching podcasts like I do how do you like to watch your podcast babe or how do you like to consume podcasts um I don't what's your favorite podcast um hours yeah I'm not a big consumer of of the podcast yeah that's fine yeah

I appreciate your non-appreciation for podcasts, you know. How about like Freakonomics? Okay, Sean was on, my favorite podcast of all time is Freakonomics. It is part of the reason I'm getting my Ph.D. Because I love the people they have on there. Maybe someday I'll be on that show. You'll be on it, babe. Because of all the effort I'm putting into this.

But you were on the freaking show. You did it. I did it. And that to me was one of the moments where I was like, wow, Sean's a big deal. That's crazy. It took that. And you crushed. I'm not a big deal, babe.

I hate to break it to you. I am not a big deal. I just can't believe you're all my favorite show. Anyway, also, if you listen to our podcast and you like listening to our podcast, what other shows do you like listening to? I'm actually curious what content these people like listening to. You know the last rant I want to go on? Yeah, hit it. Wow.

We have to get Andrew on Dancing with the Stars. It's got to happen. I need everyone to go campaign. Hit up the DMs of Dancing with the Stars. Say, Andrew East for DWTS. Let me, let me be honest. Part of me wanted. With Whitney Carson.

Part of me wanted to be on the show. But yesterday, I had to learn a dance, a 30-second dance. Yeah. And it was one of the more difficult things I've ever done in my life. Okay. let me try to explain this because people go on the show and then they do those quick interviews after they do the dance and like people are like oh it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life it's like how really you were a Hall of Fame football player whatever here's why it's hard for me it was 30 seconds of 30 moves and I have no understanding of the story of of dancing so for me I was living literally trying to like mimic every move and then try to memorize step by step this move goes to this one and then second two to three i got to do this move i just had no framework for

understanding i didn't we didn't do counts or anything like during the during the learning so i was trying to just literally no you got to talk to my teacher about that yeah that but that's really it was hard because i'd never i've never learned anything like that i love learning and i actually loved learning dancing but it was humbling to say the least because it's like this weird memory to body connection

that's there's different in football like football you got a known plays and there is like the mental and physical connection kind of but like it's more of a flow and dancing when you're trying to do it in sync with it's freaking a lot. Here's what literally just came to our mind maybe to paint a picture for you.

You know those little kid drawings that like Drew's doing right now, where it's like the follow-by numbers. Yeah. So with those numbers, you're literally creating a full picture. So imagine you're trying to do that and the smoothest take. That's super helpful. And that gives me one block of learning.

Yeah. But to use that analogy, I'm literally trying to zoom all the way in on dot to dot to dot, and there's a hundred dots that I need to try to figure out the bigger picture through and I can't. But you also think if you re-drew that picture a hundred times, it would get easier and easier and easier and easy. Because now you know where you're going. Yeah.

It just says repetition. It blew my mind though because you have to memorize it and then you have to put it together with your body and then you have to make it look good. You have to perform it. I can't wait. I'm actually, you have not seen. You saw one clip from yesterday.

Yeah. But then you have to like make it look easy kind of with your face, right? Yeah. That would be step four for me. And my face a whole time was like, it was strained. So I'm not a natural. Help my husband out. Come on.

But we do some dancing every now and then, you know? Yeah. Not with Koston Neier anymore. That was my last time doing that. because they put some crazy stuff on it. Winnie's a great teacher. She can teach you. You're campaigning for this.

I'm campaigning for Winnie Carson, Andrew East, Dancing with the Stars. I don't know if I wanted after you yesterday. It was humbling for me. Oh, you're freaking natural. No, I'm not. It's ridiculous.

Okay, let's wrap this up. Thank you, everyone. We'll see you next up. Have a great day. This is Andrew. I'm shocked. Couple of things. Out.