Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 246 | these psychological principles will make your marriage thrive

Episode Date: February 6, 2025

Welcome back to Couple Things! Let’s just say in today’s episode Andrew had a field day because we dove into something he’s extremely passionate about and that’s psychology! Better yet, we dove into how different psychological principles apply to marriage and how they can improve your relationship and strengthen your bond. I know this may sound fancy, but they’re actually pretty simple ideas and it was so interesting to understand a bit more about how our brains are wired. We talked about attachment styles, gratitude, confirmation bias and more! We hope you learn something new in this episode because we definitely did!  Check out SKIMS best intimates including the Fits Everybody Collection and more at https://www.skims.com/couplethings #skimspartner Beam Kids is now available online at shopbeam.com/COUPLETHINGS. Take advantage of our early access price of up to 40% off using code COUPLETHINGS Download our FREE goal setting method! ▶ https://www.familymade.com/vision-setting Follow our podcast Instagram  ▶ https://www.instagram.com/shawnandandrewpods/ Subscribe to our newsletter  ▶ https://www.familymade.com/newsletter Follow My Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/ShawnJohnson Follow My Tik Tok ▶ https://www.tiktok.com/@shawnjohnson Like the Facebook page! ▶ https://www.facebook.com/ShawnJohnson Follow Andrew’s Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/AndrewDEast Andrew’s Tik Tok ▶ https://www.tiktok.com/@andrewdeast?lang=en #Psychology #Marriage #Relationships #ShawnandAndrewPods Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up, everybody. Welcome back to a couple things. With Sean and Andrew. Today has been a day. It's been a good day. So I don't know what to expect when we start to dive into this very philosophical episode. But it's going to be a roller coaster. Tell the people about your PR you hit today.

Come on. Oh, I deadlifted 215 pounds. You're an absolute animal. An animal day. I don't know on the scale if that's like really good. or like solid or you know but i was proud of myself it's a new PR that i think that's really impressive thank you and congratulations i'm proud of you thank you it's also we had a great meeting we are days away from the launch of beam kids which we're so excited about and i'm so nervous about

i feel like i'm sharing another child with the world this has been something we've been working on for a very long time and i just really want people to like it yeah you've done a good job thank you Today's episode is inspired by my recent studies that I've been doing. For those that don't know, I am currently a dissertation student. I am a doctoral candidate at Liberty University for psychology. I was inspired to look into and study psychology because of the work that we do, these interviews that we do. And I think it's kind of an interesting time to be learning about psychology in this world of

where it's like this layer of humanity that we add on top of technology. So all of this combined got me thinking about the psychology of marriage. And what are the psychological effects that are triggered by marriage or that marriage can benefit by and benefit from? So what we have done today is put together 15 different psychological effects that play into marriage that I think are good to have vocabulary around maybe you could even use some of them to your advantage to the benefit of your marriage and Sean is pumped about this episode I'm pumped pumped about it first let me just say one I'm so excited and so proud of you for diving in to get your doctorate of psychology why did you need that you didn't but I'm really

proud of you. It's actually sparked a lot of great conversations that we've had. I will say in reading through this episode, it sounded so nerdy. And I was like, wow, you're into this. But at the end of the day, when we ended up summarizing a lot of these, it comes up as just like really good lessons for marriage and things that you and I both agree with. I think it, I think it's a great Conversation starter. What couple of things. Sean and I connect over philosophical conversations.

A lot of our conversations have been about the psychology of how people have made these choices or how they've navigated through this or mentors that have changed our psychological narratives that we've been telling ourselves. You know what I'm saying?

I mean, the one year I did in college was in psychology. Yeah, we're both psychologists. I love it. We all are. And now with parenting, the psychology of the interaction of a parent-child is interesting.

How is this child? out receiving this and also we're in this field where we're writing a book and i feel like we're amongst all these podcasters and authors that i don't know at some point you do it for long enough and you're like yeah i guess i'm an expert inadvertently and i wanted to actually do the due diligence of getting this doctorate so that i could feel a little more comfortable about talking about some of these topics like we're about to talk about today. So not that you ask, but that's the background and the psychology interest. And the overall goal at the end of this is just to gain more information to hopefully make

your relationships better. Yeah, because I know it's made our relationship better. But let's get into it. Let's talk about how psychology can play into everyday married life. It is important to know that psychological principles do play a major role in the dynamics of a marriage and providing insights, providing these different psychological effects can help couples understand what's happening

and maybe even improve their relationships as a result. So this is the goal, as Sean said, is to create stronger marriages. Do you want to take the first one or do you want me to? We're going to have such different perspectives on this. Not perspectives, but like, Let me tell you about the first effect, which is called the Benjamin Franklin effect.

I just feel like you can summarize all of these after we read them into like just very simple life lessons. Okay, so the first psychological effect that happens in marriage is called the Benjamin Franklin effect, which says that a person who has performed a favor for someone else is more likely to do another favor for that person than they would be if they had received a favor from that. that person. So how does this apply in marriage? Doing favors for other people increases the

mutual feelings of loyalty and affection. So if I help you out, I am more invested in our relationship than if I didn't help you out. I'm more invested in our relationship than if you helped me out. Does that make sense? My takeaway is that by doing more favors for each other or my wife, you can actually get into the habit of doing this type of beneficial activity more often. I increase my investment in the relationship the more I help you out. Which is this beautiful team effect of like,

hey, if you're continuously helping me out, then I'm slowly working towards my goal. And if I'm continuously helping you out, I'm helping you with your goals. And we're both pouring into this bucket of relationships. I'm going to make an argument here. I'm sorry, but that is not what it says. It is. No, it does not say it's reciprocated.

No, no, but that's the best iteration of it. Yeah, but you said this is a team effect. It is not. This is fully one-sided. Think about how beautiful it would be if you are practicing the Benjamin Franklin effect, and I'm also practicing the Benjamin Franklin effect. Absolutely, but that's not what it says.

Correct. This is very one-sided. If you are a selfless person acting in a selfless way, you're more likely to do that again. Yes. That's correct. But in a marriage, there's two people. So I would argue that strong marriages have two people who are selfless.

And as a result, they are both improving their relationship. This is like the heart of community, I think. I love the Benjamin Franklin effect. Let's see if we can apply that this week. So I'm going to see what I can do to help you out, babe. I like it. Reciprocated. I'm going to do.

I'm going to see what I can do for you there we go yes it is a challenge of who can help the other person more I love it second the reciprocity norm see this is so nerdy send it people tend to feel obliged to return favors or kindness this plays into the first this plays into the Benjamin Franklin effect they feel obliged yeah how it applies in marriage this can lead to a positive cycle of giving and receiving strengthening the relationship when your spouse does something nice for you thank them and see where you could potentially help out somewhere else do you understand the power of this no babe take a step back and hear what we're saying i do but this seems so unnecessary to make it so philosophical when it's like be selfless i know but what it's helpful to break it

down what does that mean so and why would i do that I'm not saying that there's always some self-benefit to selfless acts. Yeah. I do think, I like to think altruism exists where you can just help other people out for the benefit of the other person and not expect anything in return. But think about those two hand in hand. If I'm continuously helping you out, I am increasing my investment in the relationship. And I'm also inspiring in you this reciprocity norm where you're going to...

Or I feel obliged to return the favor. In some ways. Yeah. The positive cycle of giving and receiving that this could create would be enormous. And did you give it the takeaway and challenge? I did. We have a takeaway and challenge with each of these. I did.

I read that already. Great. Okay. I'm going to try to potentially help you out somewhere. I'm getting fired up about this. And I'm going to feel obliged to return the favor. These are subtle but powerful things. Number three, the IKEA effect.

this principle says that people place a disproportionately high value on products or experiences that they partially created. IKEA effect, that's a thing? Yes. You're paying all this money to get a doctorate so you can learn about the IKEA effect. There are fancier terms for this, but why not call the IKEA Effect if that's pretty much your whole business model?

You go to IKEA, you buy a disassembled piece of furniture, you assemble it, you love that piece of right. So basically some guy who wrote a psychologist, book, sat down and observed all these people who bought IKEA furniture. This episode is going better than I expected it to be actually. And he was like, you know what? They actually are really bought into that cheap piece of furniture they bought because they built it. Disproportional high value on products that they created.

Yeah. In marriage, that means investing effort into joint activities or shared goals can enhance emotional bonds and satisfaction within the relationship. So apply this in different ways. I'm talking about, for us, one thing has been finances. It used to be, I would have this budget that was somewhat stated explicitly, but not really, that was somewhat founded on logic, but not really. And then you would try to operate within whatever those somewhat unspoken expectations were.

But the IKEA, when we both create the budget, it together, you were more invested in it. For sure. This is true. Yeah, but I wouldn't call it the IKEA effect. What would you call it then? Professor. I don't know.

Yeah, well, we're going to call it the IKEA effect. Welcome to the marriage psychology number three. The takeaway and challenge for this one is sit down with your partner and do some goal setting for the year. We have a template for that. We've done several episodes already on this. You can see it in the link down below, but see where you can align on shared dreams and goals to work towards.

So, like, when you're both more bought in on something, you've invested more time, more effort, more whatever, you're saying you feel more partial to it. A hundred percent. And that is everything. The feeling of being partial to it is, that is like the game of marriage. I'm partial to my spouse.

If you are able to do that for 50 years, you've won the game of marriage. What's just the time effect? wait the more time you put into something we're going to get there i'm glad you brought that up yes darling i'm so glad you brought that up see i could be a doctor of psychology this is this is applied to our budgeting this is also applied to our date night so when we both collaborate on date night activities or travel and vacation activities there's just more excitement yeah again this is like the team aspect of it where it's like hey you have a role maybe sean likes planning all the logistics of the travel

and i like planning all the restaurants or whatever we're both bought in as opposed to it being like this autopilot type of thing it's like get involved help create the thing all the all the million different aspects of going to marriage if you co-create them you're both more bought in yeah and the ideas get refined and polished so that it's it ends up being this idea that has been reached by compromise that you've both collaborated on you're both happier about and now you're both invested more in it next the fourth the social exchange theory i think you should read this one so the social exchange theory suggests that human relationships are formed by the use of a subjective cost benefit analysis and the comparison of alternatives okay so this is kind of a this is a different take

than what you're basically saying when i look at all the men i'm doing pros cons and I'm like you know what overall I got the best pick I think the social exchange theory kicks in during dating and in tough phases of marriage where you start looking over the fence and seeing if the grass is greener I've not done this some people do this

don't look at me like that don't look at me like that like people don't you've looked over the fence oh my gosh let's continue make your fence taller by investing in it the IKEA effect. Thank you so much.

So this applies in marriage. The grass ain't greener, bro. It's not. When you invest in your own freaking yard. That's what I'm saying. This is my point. So partners tend to seek to balance, like, the giving and receiving, to maximize emotional rewards and minimize costs.

So, like, this is the more self-seeking of, like, how can I benefit from this? Yeah. Right. I would like to position this one differently, though, than how it's made me written. Meaning, I think that when you have a strong marriage that you're invested in that you commit to and your boys invite you golfing, but you say, hey, actually, I'm going to go on date night. Occasionally with your wife. Is that what you do?

Then the rewards of that ripple into the social arena. Yeah. That's my argument. The takeaway is to have an open conversation. with your spouse about how you feel like the balance of giving and receiving in your relationship is and to make sure that you're both on the same page with this for instance does one person feel like they're always giving or do you feel like you both play equal parts and giving and receiving do you feel like that's balanced out we have this conversation

continuously about all the tasks that are required of us and parenting homekeeping business all the things yeah If you feel like you're being drained, at some point that turns into resentment, you know? Yes. Which then circles back to the first one. I would say, if it's a competition to be as selfless as possible, that feeling of resentment will not present itself.

When you have two people with the shared goal of being as selfless as possible, then it works. Yes. You're going to like this one. The fifth is attachment theory. Send it. This describes the dynamics of long-term relationships between humans. Its most important tenet is that an infant needs to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for social and emotional development.

So this is more of how your operating system is as a married couple, what's Sean's operating system, what's mine based off how I was raised. I read this book attached, which is kind of what this is all based off of, but there's four different attachment styles based off. based off of your upbringing and you can change them so there's secure attachment style that's what we're all striving to be this is when you're confident in relationships you feel like you have self-worth

and you accept support from others not in this leech type of parasite sucking it all up but it's like a teamwork you know you play your role I play mine the second type of attachment style is anxious attachment style. This is when you're clingy, highly emotional.

You need reassurance all the time. I'm not, what? You're looking at me? No, I'm like, is that me? I'm very clinging. Emotional. I love reassurance. Yeah, no, but somebody say,

it's when there's a disproportionate need for this. Okay. The third is avoidant attachment style. This is when you're distant, unemotional, and you avoid closeness. Lastly, the fourth attachment style is disorganized. It's when you're intense. There's this push-pull.

It's unpredictable. It's a little chaotic. Like you don't know what you're going to walk into. Which one? Okay. So let's do a little thing. If we're both working towards secure in our vulnerable states, what do you think each of us resort to? At our worst, you're saying?

Yeah, because I know exactly what both of us do. Okay. Well, I'm so. excited. I would say I'm avoidant. Yes, and I'm anxious. Interesting. Yeah, that's a really, think about that. You're trying to push towards

clinginess. I get more emotional and you get less. And I'm trying to, it's like this never ending. If only you saw our arguments, that's literally it. I get emotional and you get unemotional. Are you saying you're learning something in this episode ever going through a show? Are you kidding? No, because I knew this.

Oh my gosh. Wow, but now we have terms for it. So in marriage, Secure attachment styles can help promote trust and stability, whereas insecure attachments can lead to conflicts. This is what we read about every day in our daily devotional about the beauty of marriage and the way it's constructed, where there's no more difficult relationship to exit than a marriage, which could have the effect of saying,

all right, we're stuck together. I better be secure in this and we better be able to healthily work through this where I'm not scared to give harsh feedback or meaningful feedback because I don't, I'm not scared that me saying this thing could come off wrong and now you're not going to love me anymore

because I said this main thing. It's like there are, there is this insulated relationship unlike any other relationship in life where you're able to be secure. And I think that's beautiful. So kudos to marriage. You know, whoever had that thought of,

let's make this real difficult marriage to get out of, for the most part. I would say it has benefits. Definitely downside. A challenge for you guys. Identify what your personal attachment style is and see how that could be contributing to any healthy or unhealthy patterns.

And maybe like we were saying, like if we're both working towards secure, at your worst, what do you fall back to? So you can be aware. Yeah, it's just learning a little bit more about yourself. A little more self-awareness. I know this one.

Go for it. Gottman's Four Horsemen. John Gottman's research on marriage, stability, identified criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as the four communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship. So if I'm being critical to my spouse, It is the first of a breadcrumb trail that may lead to a separation. But I do remember within the Gottman's Institute, you try to identify what your fallback is.

So like when you get hurt, when you get insecure, which of the four horsemen do you go to first as like your first step towards hurting your relationship? Yeah. Awareness is like the first step, you know? Mm-hmm. So avoiding these styles can improve marital satisfaction. The challenge for you all listening is to think about conflicts that you've had in your relationship and see if you or your partner carry any of these out, these unhealthy communications styles. Which we all do.

Yeah. We all do. But having the realization of like what do you lean towards criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling and knowing like those are the four things that pretty much never in, well so yes we do them but know that like oh you're creeping into territory that isn't good for your relationships longevity i would say i would say broadly speaking an antidote for criticism contempt defensiveness and still willing is curiosity of yeah if you do something i don't like instead of criticizing, it's more like, huh, tell me about that, Sean.

Not in a cheeky way. But anyway, ask yourself if this is a common pattern and have an open discussion about them with your spouse. What's your first line that you're going to? With our relationship, I think it depends on the relationship, too. I would say defensiveness. Yeah, I would say the same thing for you. Okay, what would be yours?

Criticism. This is great. We're getting better, huh? Would you agree with that? Yeah. Yeah. That's great. Look, look at this.

Look at this. Psychological effect number seven is self-disclosure. How many are there? 15. Oh, that's a lot. This is the idea that sharing personal thoughts and feelings can deepen intimacy in relationships. This feels obvious. This feels obvious.

But it applies in marriage because sharing with your spouse... Who you are fully creates the closeness and trust. We have friends who are dating, and they're like... It's wild. They're trying to find the person that they feel comfortable with. It's like, that's built over time. So there is a point, I'm not saying, just do it recklessly and spontaneously,

but there is a point where you plant your flag, and then the process of self-disclosure happens where there's the sharing, and there's these favors that are being done. There's this mutual investment in the relationship that then creates the comfort, creates the loyalty in the relationship. You know what I'm saying?

Challenge for you all. Is there anything you've been wanting to share with your partner that you haven't out of fear of being vulnerable? Being able to share openly your thoughts and feelings can deepen your bond. So share it. Share it.

Demons, celebrations, the whole thing. I feel like you and I do a good job of that. There have been, we've gotten more and more able to share vulnerable things but like bad dreams that I have that are obviously fake and false and you still get mad of me for the bad dreams

I don't but I share them what was the number one rule in our relationship from day one transparency that's right it's important on so many different fronts but the creation of closeness

one of the derivative effects of this number eight cognitive dissonance this is a theory that suggests that we have this inner drive to hold our attitudes and beliefs all of our attitudes and beliefs in harmony with each other and avoid disharmony so you can't be

this says that you can't believe one thing and act against that belief over the long run you might be able to do for a short amount of time but over the long run you won't be able to So in marriage, this could lead individuals and partners to change their conflicting attitudes and beliefs to match their actions and relationships. I think this is one, go ahead. This is exactly what you and I talked about on our first date with transparency, which was you and I had both come from long-term relationships where in certain aspects we changed ourselves or masked something to become the person that we wanted. are significant other at the time

to like, like, does that make sense? So when you're dating people, change is necessary. Like you're going to evolve over the course of a relationship and change to benefit your marriage and your relationship. But early on in dating, there's this like trend where people will drastically change themselves because they think, oh, this person will like it better and it'll work.

But it's exhausting because keeping up the front for a long time doesn't work. Yeah. So when we started dating, we're like, you know what? I don't really want to do that again. So I, like, swear and you swear to be fully true to myself from day one. And if this works, it works. And if it doesn't, it doesn't.

Yeah, yes. You think that goes against this. No, no, no, no. No, it's this semantic. But it's not this disrespect of powerful in myself of trying to apply or overwhelm the relationship with my desires and that quote unquote self. It's not like, this is a weird term, but it's not like the, it's not be your quote unquote ego self fully. Rather, it's like just be honest, you know, but the challenge for this cognitive dissonance effect is to ask yourself, do you find yourself

changing conflicting attitudes with your partner to match your relationship? And has this been helpful to avoid unnecessary conflict between the two of you? I think this is interesting. with the next one, which is called the Pygmillian effect. This one is wild. No, this is crazy. As I was writing this on the airplane, which is when I did this, because I was just ripping. What are you doing? No, I was thinking about it.

This is like amazing. Marriage is just amazing. We're on a flight, and he's typing all of this in a note. And then he's like, here, read this. And he's so excited. It was literally like 40 pages. Yeah, you were just as pumped about it. But the Pygmillion effect describes how people perform better when they're held to higher expectations.

So this applies in marriage because I was thinking about this marriage dissonance, as opposed to cognitive dissonance, where marriage dissonance has these expectations that each other has for the other person. And when done well, this is what I think people mean when they say, she makes me a better man or she makes me a better person, is because your expectations of who I could be, then allow me. allow me to walk into those expectations and make that a reality. So within, there might be cognitive dissonance within myself, but in marriage, there's this other added layer of, I'm going to call it marriage dissonance. This is not from my textbook. I just am winging it. Where it's like, I currently am not acting a certain way that you expect me to be as far as being a leader for our family or in business or my tidiness and self-respect to some. degree, see here the interview we did with the home edit. But then to avoid the cognitive dissonance

and the marriage dissonance, I then change my actions to match. You like that. You like that. I do. You like this. Okay. We got her smile with everybody. Okay. Yeah, girl. I am not joking. When I say, I wear a skims bra every single day. It is the most flattering, comfortable, lightweight style and goes perfectly under anything. I used to dread getting fitted for bras. buying them all on and then settling for one that wasn't even comfortable. But now that I have found skims, I don't have this problem anymore. Everybody, unlined demi-braw, is my go-to choice that you cannot go wrong with. But if you would still like to go for a more bra-less feel,

their fits everybody's scoop braulette is really good too. Both are breathable, but flattering, and even in those postpartum seasons. Which, if you told me I would ever wear an underwire bra postpartum, I would have laughed. But here I am because it's seriously that good. Shop Skims, best intimates, including the fits everybody collection and more at skims.com in Skim's stores. After you place your order, be sure to let them know I sent you. Select podcast in the survey, and be sure to select our show in the drop-down menu that follows.

And if you're looking for the perfect gift for your Valentine or for yourself, Skims has just launched their best Valentine's shop ever, available in sizes for women, men, and kids. How do you say that word? Pigmillion. That I love. You and I have talked about this a lot. The study done where kids in a school perform exponentially better at such a faster rate if on day one their teachers say to them, like, I believe in you. I believe you can skip four grades by the end of this one year.

It's amazing. They actually can do it because someone has instilled confidence and hope in themselves. It's amazing. I'm glad I got you smiling. Okay. So the challenge for the Pygmillian effect is ask yourself if you're holding yourself to as high of a standard as your spouse is holding you to. Do you think this high standard that you're being held to is helping you stay on track

who you're called to be and how you're called to act? There's two responses to high expectations. There's resentment of it or there's meeting expectations. If you are resenting the beneficial expectations that your spouse has for you, that's a you problem. I think if your spouse has continued unrealistic expectations, it might not be, how do you say it necessary? That's different. You know what I'm saying? But who's to say what's unrealistic?

Well, that's the beauty of marriage. It's also, I can't prescribe the solution. 10th, equity theory. This theory focuses on determining whether the distribution of resources is fair to both relational parties. equity is measured by comparing the ratio of contributions or costs and benefits or rewards for each person. And marriage perceived inequity can lead to resentment and conflict. I was about to say, where is this going? What is saying? Marriage should be 50-50. Period. What do you mean by that?

I think it should be 100, 100, as they say. Yeah, we're saying the same thing. Okay. Yeah. But I have seen relationships where it's like, oh, I don't work, but the other party does, so I don't get as much say in the relationship or I don't get as much freedom or whatever. Does that make sense? Yeah. I don't, I think if you don't have equal respect. Challenge for you is to have an open dialogue with her partner about responsibility. around the house with the kids, et cetera,

and share any thoughts or concerns respectfully with their spouse about how things are going. This could be, that could be tender. My, my note for this would be in Christianity when you think about striving towards what would Jesus do. It's like this

constant humility slash respect. slash sacrifice and like being willing to suffer for the cause and it's this continuous thing that is rooted in a faith that that the other person will see it and acknowledge it I think at some point or like there's good at the heart of it is my point what do you think yes what are thinking. Nothing. Equity theory. Number 11, confirmation bias. This, you got this one.

The tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms one's preexisting beliefs or hypotheses. Basically, if you believe your marriage is dying, yep, sure is. is you're going to search for everything and only focus on the things that reaffirm your belief. So if you think negative, you believe negative,

you become negative. Or it could be the opposite. That's freaking powerful. You get to choose. We talk about this all the time. All the time. Sean is simultaneously. the most caring, respectful, thoughtful person while also being someone who sometimes forgets

things, sometimes sometimes doesn't remember whatever set of preferences I have or, you know, whatever. Like there are certain things, they're both good and bad things that you have. You got to hold those side by side and realize, okay, which these are two wolf. on my shoulder, which wolf am I going to feed? That's this old principle. I'm going to feed the perspective of, wait, she is the most awful person, you know? You better. And it's like when someone says red truck, you're going to notice that more.

So can you train your mind to think about the red trucks that are your spouses or partners favorable traits instead of the things that annoy you? Wow, Sean is so wonderful because X, Y, Z. We had our counselor tell us that the very things that you fall in love with at the beginning are the things that you end up resenting in marriage years down the road. How does that happen? It's like, well, there's this confirmation bias. This is also, like, related to community. Do you have yes men around you where, like, you go with your boys and they start,

you essentially start gossiping about whatever you share things with your community as you should but then they just say I can't believe she would do that as opposed to providing perspective takeaway challenge is don't just seek advice and mentorship from people who will align with your opinion perspective also realize there's two sides to every story there's this headwind's tailwind's fallacy

where it's like oh anytime I'm doing something good anytime I'm doing the dishes, I remember all the times I do the dishes. And then all of a sudden that, that results in, I'm the only one that does do the dishes. John never does the dishes. Is that how you feel? No, it's not. It's not. But it's like realizing that there's multiple kind of realities.

Next, the halo effect. It's a cognitive bias where the impression we have of someone, typically influenced by our overall impression of them. affects our thoughts about their character? Yeah. Let me say more. This applies in marriage because one spouse may consistently feel overlooked by the other's negative attributes due to an overall positive impression. The other may overlook the other's negative attributes due to an overall positive impression.

Does that make sense? Which is what we just said. This is, I think, a mechanism through which, you can achieve positive confirmation bias that helps the marriage. Yeah. By looking at, oh, do they have all this basket of negative qualities?

Yeah, maybe. But all these wonderful qualities overshadow them. Yeah. So much. The challenge is to examine the way you view your spouse. If you think highly about them, you're more likely to treat them accordingly. So I would say meditate.

fixate, reflect on the positive traits as much as you can and then it builds this positive momentum. I was also thinking another note I had on this was

when you believe that everyone was made in God's image then we all kind of benefit from the halo effect of like if that's your starting point

for oh Sean's frustrating but she's made in God's image okay so what can I learn from that? I mean it goes back to like curiosity too

but it's like there are beauties about you I don't yet understand or see it's faith in that kind of or it's like okay I'm just going to stick around a little longer so that I can understand this curious thing about Sean that currently frustrates me

that I believe I'll love you're digging this I yes if you're liking this you're going to love this next one wow mirror neurons these neurons in your brain, the neuroscience of it all.

Activate both when an individual acts and does something themselves and when they merely observe the same action performed by another. Think about that. This applies to marriage because it can help partners develop empathy and understand each other's emotions

and more deeply. And you almost have this compounding experience. It's like visualization in sports. Why is that important? It activates a mirror neurons. when you're sitting watching tape like we used to for hours in football you're essentially getting the muscle memory from the mirror neurons that's how that happens where you can go out and wear your body out physically by doing the act that's one way it's just to like beat your body to shreds by doing

that a different way i think it's more popular specifically in athletics where it's like you do the thing a couple times you get that you get that muscle memory but then you reflect by watching tape and it has the same effect because of mere neurons. Interesting. But the challenge in marriage is to be vulnerable in a way that may encourage your spouse to be vulnerable as well. So it's like, I am learning. I've got something for you.

Okay, hit me. Do you believe in mirror neurons? Yes. So when you say, don't let me. affect your mood or your tone or your day if you're having like a bad day or the whatever do you believe that

you're saying the way someone acts their emotion their actions actually have an effect on you yes exactly this is something that Sean and I talk about a lot I'll be a little mopey and then she'll respond in kind but what I am asking

asking in that moment is for you to bring me back up to here, which is a lot. And I don't necessarily expect that. But like, that is the power of mirror neurons. It goes both ways where it's like you can both have this resonating negative effect on each other. You know, you could really bring out the worst of each other in marriage. You sling an insult, I sling an insult back. That's not necessarily the mirror neuron ethos.

but like what I'm saying is I ultimately view how you're acting with the kids is kind of how I was viewing this one. And the kids see this from us all the time. They've like morphed into little versions of a blend of us, which is beautiful to see. But like you rub off on each other. For sure. Are you rubbing the right things off?

Yeah. Okay. I think we're going to say that better. Yeah. Next up, gratitude. Expressing gratitude has been shown to strengthen relationships. You say that like it's such a small thing. It's not.

I know. That's why it's on here. Why are you shrug it off? Because are you paying to learn this? Tell me how that doesn't radically shape your desire to be gratuitous in our relationship. I wanted to be gratuitous in our relationship. even before I read this. But I'm glad you want to be now.

Okay, this applies of marriage because regularly acknowledging and appreciating one spouse can enhance marital satisfaction. No, I know it's freaking obvious. It is worth mentioning. The challenge is to express gratitude for your spouse.

It doesn't have to be anything overly specific that they did, just an overall gratitude of who they are and how much they mean to you. Sean, I'm really glad you learned this in class. No, Sean, look, look, I know that that feels so obvious.

Did you not know this before you learned it in psychology class? But pieces together with everything else, I think that's what makes it. Did you know everything else that we talked about? No, there's obviously going to be some things that you've heard about or seen the freaking TikTok about it. And you're like, oh, yeah, I knew that because you saw some random video. But it's shaping the whole picture, the puzzle of it all. Yes. And also, in marriage, like, this is the whole game.

It's like everyone knows how to treat. other people with respect, I would argue, like, generally. But can you do it, can you do it consistently and frequently every day with the 12 hours that we spend together a day? And so, in my mind, having gratitude be on this list is like, yeah, that's going to maybe take that one interaction of 200 that we had in a day and make me grateful in it. Next, Keedonic adaptation.

This principle suggests that people return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative events of life changes. So in marriage,

this means that happiness from big positive changes may diminish over time, so continual effort and appreciation are crucial. Challenges to try to change your perception rather than your situation.

So my note for this one is to push to stay married, essentially, versus divorce. If it's like a personal gripe, it's like you, the grass is greener now. If you're, if you're like in a pinch, it's like, oh, man, it looks, it would be so easy to, like, get divorced and not have to deal with this. And you might have a short spike in, in, uh, in like positive, what does I say? negative in happiness right or the feeling of happiness but over time you're going to adjust to that you adapt you acclimate to wherever you're at it's almost like a mentor mine had eye surgery uncle jim yeah and it's like he got surgery went from seeing from one eye to two eyes and it was like immediately after he was so grateful for vision

And then a week later, fast forward, and you take it for granted like you always did, you know what I'm saying? The point is be content in any situation, you know what I'm saying? Because it really isn't about the outside externalities. It's about how you're responding to them. And that's the important thing. So what was the, in our devotional Tim Keller says that married couples, who were discontent and considering divorces

within five years if they stayed married reported high levels of happiness. That's hedonic adaptation. So it's like you're in the valley the mountains up ahead.

Yeah. There are exceptions. So quick. Last one, babe. Novelty. You got it. Introducing new experiences can boost dopamine levels,

which can rekindle feelings of romance. And marriage, trying new activities together can strengthen bonds and keep the relationship exciting, which leads us to say, try something new together for a date night. Let me tell you how Sean and I do this. How we used to do it. Try new restaurants on date night.

We used to try. What's kind of dabbling again? If it's not a new restaurant, we'll try a new menu item. And if it's not a new menu item, we'll try a new beverage, whatever it is. and if it's not a new beverage it's we wear a different outfit but this is it really is interesting for this one my note is I think people in dating get so excited at the prospect of different potential candidates where it's like oh my gosh I want to date with this person and they really

were so intellectual I was like super intellectually engaged with this person going on a day with a different person they're like oh my gosh that person was hilarious I love the humor they brought out this beautiful humorous item and then they get excited by the novelty of the breadth of options and in marriage it's like you choose one of those options and you in my mind have this incredibly unmatched ability to explore the novelty of the depth of someone which you don't get in any other way so you're still this this idea of novelty of still applies, but instead of trying to get different candidates and get that itch scratched like that, you're like, what is it about Sean that I don't yet know and finding novelty there?

Or what experience have we wanted to do that we have not yet done that might teach me about her or change our relationship? What conversation have we not had? Sean loved this episode I hope you did as well I think I'm a doctor now because you knew all these yeah

no because now I know them you just gave me three years of a doctorate did this episode help you at all it helped me understand you more and appreciate you more I love you and I want to continue doing all of these because I want our marriage

to be the best ever for the rest of our life. Are you emotional right now? No. Oh, okay. Well, I found this episode so... I want to do more episodes like this. Yes.

So do I. I think it's so fascinating. This is the type of YouTube videos I like watching myself. So maybe people like watching it. But anyway, we hope these principles help highlight the complexity of marriage relationships. And we hope that maybe there's some of those challenge. challenges were tangible takeaways for things that if you're disgruntled in your marriage, maybe you could change something by like gently challenging yourself or the relationship

or your spouse in different ways. But maybe applying these psychological insights could improve your health, your happiness. That would be fantastic. Please let us know what you thought about this. We understand that each marriage is different and then it's not a one size fits all and that these principles aren't meant to excuse unhealthy patterns of behavior from either party. So that's kind of a caveat. Bottom line is marriage is worth fighting for. It is.

Even when it's hard. And we hope you learned something new today. That's all we got. If you haven't yet and you made it this far, please subscribe to the show, give it a rating, comment on YouTube. We love hearing your feedback. And we'll see you next time. I'm Andrew. I'm Sean. Out.