Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 248 | Everything we wish we knew as newlyweds

Episode Date: February 19, 2025

In today’s episode we made a list of things we wish we could tell ourselves as newlyweds. It was so fun to reminisce on the “honeymoon phase” after we got married and think of all the ways we’ve grown individually and as a couple since then. We hope this episode encourages you in whatever stage of marriage you’re currently in and to our single friends out there, don’t settle! Marriage is such a gift when it’s with the right person and that person is worth the wait :) Love you guys! Shawn & Andrew Beam Kids is now available online at shopbeam.com/COUPLETHINGS. Take advantage of our early access price of up to 40% off using code COUPLETHINGS Check out our most recommended books! ▶ https://www.amazon.com/shop/shawnjohnsoneast/list/LJALQY5VSMTD?ref_=cm_sw_r_mwn_aipsflist_YDD2H5SFD3PA5747R62Z&language=en_US Follow our podcast Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/shawnandandrewpods/ Subscribe to our newsletter ▶ https://www.familymade.com/newsletter Follow My Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/ShawnJohnson Follow My Tik Tok ▶ https://www.tiktok.com/@shawnjohnson Shop My LTK Page ▶ https://www.shopltk.com/explore/shawnjohnson Like the Facebook page! ▶ https://www.facebook.com/ShawnJohnson Follow Andrew’s Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/AndrewDEast Andrew’s Tik Tok ▶ https://www.tiktok.com/@andrewdeast?lang=en Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up, everybody? Welcome back to Couple Things. With Sean and Andrew. Today's episode is in honor of Valentine's Day. The most romantic day of the year, babe. That's right. We have some fun traditions we'll talk about. And the episode is themed after love and marriage and dating. And it's things that we would tell ourselves as newlyweds.

Yes. We have a long list. Yeah, we have a list of 20 things we would tell ourselves. We've learned so much. We've learned so much. It's been a really good process. And, you know, I was thinking about after last solo we did, which was all about the psychology of marriage. Oh, yes, I remember.

That was kind of a polarizing episode. Some people loved it. Some people were like, wow, this feels like a real business type of setup in your marriage. And I understand both perspectives, but regardless of where you lie on that range, I was really glad that we get to talk about things that I think are thought provoking. for sure and maybe they get people off their normal trajectory and maybe we are able to kind of poke around and help improve some things tell me more about this though i'd like to know what the people's responses yeah who thought it was too businessy of a setup in our marriage there's just a couple comments and that's fine no i know but i want i want to challenge them so tell me what they said they said wow way to take marriage and make it feel real businessy that was the feedback but you had that feeling that was your feeling the whole episode it was very businessy for sure

but it was like key takeaways yeah you were taking something like a social norm that should be practiced in marriage and you made it sound super like official yeah yeah yeah

like a diagnosed prescribed thing well they're just they're just certain terms there's like labels for things I am curious within this doctorate of psychology that you've been studying and getting, how much have you learned

and been practicing on me? None. I'm not like a practicing psychologist, just to clarify. I'm learning about statistics and I'm learning about how to do research and how to evaluate research to test its validity. I'm learning about how to cite sources and build an argument.

so I'm not I'm not like teaching or learning about manipulation of oh hey if you want to convince somebody this is how you do it interesting but the episode got me thinking about how we try to talk about things that y'all want to hear about yes and if there is any topic that you're interested in hearing our take on please comment down below and we'll build an episode out of it it is really really fun to construct these episodes there's effort put into this we have Google docs that that we put thoughts into and organize them so that it's a pleasant episode to listen to and we love doing it.

I feel like the luckiest guy in the world to be able to do this on a day-to-day basis. A couple of life updates for you. Beam Kids officially launched. Congratulations. It was a very stressful day. We didn't know how it would go. But we are very pleased.

A lot of people have already received their Beam kids and the feedback is what makes my heart. really happy. People love it. They think it tastes great and the kids love it, which is making me feel wonderful. It's a labor of love. You worked very hard on that and I'm very proud of you and the reception so far has been fantastic. And if nobody else likes it, our kids like it. So there you go. If you want to learn more about that, we can link it now below. Some traditions that we have were Valentine's Day and our family. We've done this since year one with Drew where we do

a daddy daughter day. I take it to a fancy brunch. or breakfast. I usually go before school and we'll sit down and have a little conversation. We're there for like 45 minutes but just to see her excitement to see her get ready

and make it a special event it's like it's nothing crazy we're just going to a restaurant and sitting down and eating but it's so special. You usually dress up you put a tux on or a suit for her or she puts on her most love

like her favorite dress she has me to her hair and she always asked me to put on a little bit of makeup for her. She wears high heels, her high heels. But it's really special. It's a great tradition to teach, Drew, in my opinion, like to a certain extent, courtship and, like, the respect, but also this bond built between daddy daughter.

I think it's just really special. On the flip side, I do the same thing with Jet. So Jett and I usually go on a date. We will go to breakfast or we'll go to lunch or like something throughout the day. I think last year we went and got breakfast and had a blast. He got the world's biggest muffin, I remember, and a smoothie and pancakes and all this stuff. That boy can eat. But it is fun because Bear and I will go on our first date this year.

Last year, Bear was a freshie. He wasn't even two months old. so I don't think we did the Valentine's date and I don't even think I was able to take Jet on a date last year because of just how crazy life was but I'm excited to do each individually this year. There are seasons of life. There are.

This is a good one we're in. Do you? Go ahead. I have a question. Do you like Valentine's Day? Let me tell you my relationship with Valentine's Day because I feel like in elementary school, middle school, when you have the little Valentine's boxes that you make

and the best oh my gosh Drew made hers already and so did jet yes and we got their classmates Valentine's gifts that they picked out I used to love Valentine's Day my mom also used to make it really special where she'd leave a little trinket at the bottom

of the stairs for us and a card and it was very nice we'd have French toast which is my favorite and and then in high school and college it kind of loses its luster I feel like but once we started dating and then certainly once we got engaged and married

it really did become a day where it was almost our only structured date night there for a while I feel like the whole year it was like we might not go on like a planned date any other time besides Valentine's thing especially dating well because like we weren't doing like formal date since we were dating

we were hanging out a lot like the formal date was like Valentine's yeah and now as an old guy, I really, I'm here for any and all reasons to celebrate and make fun occasions and memories through. So I love Valentine's Day for the July Easter, all the major holidays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, I'm even talking about, it could be World Ice Cream Day. Let's make something fun out of it. Yeah. Just because of the kids.

I used to put, make Valentine's a big deal. in my mind, especially when we were dating, I wanted it to be like this grand showcasing of love. However, now that we've been into marriage longer, I actually don't care about it

because I don't want that to be the only day like we try for each other. Right. Like go above and beyond and truly try to court and like showcase love. And I feel like, now you and I almost have a valentine's day every week yeah and we're doing the same things we do on valentine's day and on valentine's day we don't do gifts we don't like go buy each other

jewelry or like whatever that's not our vibe we'll go on a date night but i think it should just be a reminder of this is what life should look like you shouldn't just wait once a year to really tell a significant other oh by the way like i love you i like it but my pushback is my pushback is when you have this thought process of oh you shouldn't need a day of the year to tell someone that you love them it can easily one outcome of that can turn into well then you end up never telling that person i you interpreted that i might have said that wrong you shouldn't need a day because it should be consistent. There shouldn't only be one day a year

you go above and beyond to showcase love to your spouse. Yes, but what I like about it is at least you have one day of year. Yeah, true. Because some people, some people wait for the mystical romance to hit and then they're like,

oh, if you put it on the schedule, then it's too structured and rigid and it's not romantic. It's like, no, well, then maybe that ends up in never being romantic. Yeah. So, in honor of Valentine's, though, we wanted to do an episode about all the things that we would tell ourselves as newlyweds. We've grown a lot in marriage. And it really is fun to look back and think, wow.

In those early years, we really were just trying to figure things out, you know? But I also feel like in the early years, we thought we had it all together. And I also feel like we're still figuring it out. We are. But so whether you're married or engaged or dating or maybe you've been married for decades longer than we have or just, yeah, maybe looking for a refresher. We've got some personal notes and stories to share. Do you remember what it was like getting married? It's almost nine years ago now.

I do. I remember almost every detail of the whole day. Do you? I did too. I remember not having cuff links. The guy said it looked like I had napkins hanging out. shirt i remember my suit was so tight it was hot it was so hot i remember like our first look i remember getting oh my gosh i remember getting ready at our house with all of my bridesmaids and

girlfriends and my mom and your mom totaled two cars in the same day which Oh, my gosh. Let me put it this way. She didn't total cars in, like, a catastrophic way. So, like, nobody was injured. Everybody was fine. But we had this, like, what's it called? Ditch.

Like, a ditch in our drive, like, on either side of our driveway. And so when you pulled in and out of our driveway, you had to be really careful that you didn't fall off the driveway into the ditch. And it was, like, a three-foot drop. But she went off, and the car's underbelly got, like, hooked. and by the time they got the car out, it was literally totaled. That was total car number one. That was during makeup.

And then she got like a rental car. Yeah. And I don't even know what happened, but she like went off the interstate. No, it is one of those intersections where you take a left and you're on the wrong side of the road, like off the interstate. So it's a little confusing kind of, but she got T-boned. And that was total car number two. Yeah. That was right by the wedding venue.

Yeah. I remember dealing with like the pot. paparazzi and the helicopter that was flying over taking pictures people were camped out in our bushes in our front yard you could find those online shone in a robe but if it I also don't remember being phased by any of that I I also remember our first look so we decided to do a first look because we didn't want um we wanted to be able to go straight to the reception and not do like so many pictures in between um and I loved doing our first look but I was so nervous yeah i like we were miced up yeah and i didn't even know what to say because in the back

of my head i was like people are listening to this i was just so yeah but i was so happy excitement is just the word that comes to my yeah where it's just raw excitement you know yeah and we have been through hard conversations for sure stuff and had some things to figure out because you had moved to Nashville. There's a lot of conversations around that. But we're still kids. We were. We were 24 when we got married.

Is that right? Yeah. So settling into careers and stuff, we were just beginning that process. But, you know, we hadn't had kids yet. We hadn't lost anybody close to us. Anyway, so excitement. It was just like all about the fun, raw. I think something that Andrews,

and I got to experience, which Andrew and I talk about this a lot, the pros and cons to getting married young and early on in your relationship versus people who get married later in life or date for like eight years and then they get married. Ander and I's marriage was truly like a leap of faith because, which I believe in, which Because on our wedding day, we were babies. We were young. But we were vowing to each other. I have no idea what is about to happen.

We haven't done life together for eight years and now we're choosing to get married. We are just starting this journey. And I vow to be there with you. And I have no idea what it's going to look like. And to a certain extent, even I could argue back in the day when we were 24 and we'd only been dating three years, pretty much. Like, we didn't really know who each other were fully. There's no way to know.

There's a ton of situations that we had not been in together to know how we'd respond, et cetera. And it was truly just this leap of faith of like, here we go. And I always say, I look back on our wedding day and part of me wish is like we could get remarried right now to, to, to, each other because you just you understand the weight and the magnitude of the situation and I love you now a million times more than I even loved you then and I thought then I couldn't love you any more than I did because I was already on top of the world a couple thoughts as you're speaking one people talk about I felt like we all had we had it all figured out back then I don't feel like that was our approach it was just it was just us being naive kind of and yes

and not thinking about the potential negative ramifications. And what's exciting about marriage is it epitomizes that idea of it's not what happens to you, it's how you respond to what happens to you, or control what you can control. Because to your point, there were so much that we had to learn, that we still have yet to learn. and if you're if you're approaching it with i gotta wait until i make enough money or i get settled here i figure this out that is like letting the uncontrollables control you yes how much you earn is not really fully up to you you feeling settled is kind of an arbitrary ambiguous goal so it's it's us planning the flag and saying i don't know what's going to happen but i do know

that we have the choice to stay together through whatever happens. So that's kind of hype. I also think to a certain extent everything that you were just saying, all of those things that people feel so I don't feel settled enough. I don't know who I am enough.

I haven't made enough money. I'm not in a place in my life to get married, whatever. You're also, to a certain extent in my mind because we've experienced this, you're missing out on being able to navigate the rough parts of life with someone

who can help you get better and get through stuff and if you navigate those like ups and downs with someone yeah it's hard like you literally have another human to like get through these rough patches with but it makes the love and like the marriage so much stronger when you get through it.

Yeah. And inevitably, if you sit down and talk with a couple who has not had a lot of money that now might have a lot of money, they always talk about, oh, those early days where we were living in a tiny little apartment and didn't have enough money to buy food for the next day. Those are the good old days to them. That's how they're reflecting on it, like reminiscing. It's the same thing with kids. When you're in the thick of it as a parent raising a newborn, it feels like overwhelming. But then you talk to any parent who has older kids are like, You're going to miss this.

Why is that? Because you're like freaking struggle together. And we even got married super young. And I still look back on everything I experienced before you. And I'm like, dang, I wish you were there for that. I know, yeah. Yeah. That's fun.

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That's BetterHelp, HELP.com slash EastFam. But there's a little, there's a little bit of trusting and wisdom there where it's like, I guess I believe that I will miss this at some point. point. I trust that I will or I have faith that that things will get figured out and I'll hit the next chapter of life and it'll be better. Anyway, this is us reminiscing. I also want to say, I recently had a friend who said

something to me and I was just like, man, if I can remember this for the rest of my life in our marriage, I think it's the most beautiful thing in the world. But I'll be a friend who has gone through a rough patch in life and she literally said you have two choices when you go through rough patches you can either dig in or you can run away and I feel like there's a question here that says what do you think world's view of marriage is today I think the world's view of marriage is is if things get rough it must not be meant to be so high tail it out and go find the person

you're actually supposed to be with. And I thought it was so beautiful the way she said, I'm digging in, I'm here, I chose this person, and like we are going to see through it. And I think marriage,

the worldview of marriage is so anti that, but that's so beautiful. The thing that's so beautiful about marriage is trusting that at your lowest, you've got someone who's got your back to pick you up and like get through it with

yeah that's good I had not heard that from you thanks for sharing yeah let's roll into the episode we haven't started the episode no we have not here are 20 things we would tell ourselves as newlyweds one you just made the best decision

of your whole life amen how about that I agree what's fun is at the time we got married I did not really like weddings I thought it was a waste of money oh my gosh we're spending so much money

on this wedding it's so overwhelming why are we stressing out about inviting all these people let's go elope I was big on getting a loaf you said that recently that you still wish

we would have eloped that haunts me a little bit no no no I don't wish we eloped okay now looking back on it it is such a it's such a wonderful excuse to celebrate

that's how I feel now it's like never again will you get that up Well, and I also like more so now, even than I did back then, because back then I thought it was an obligation. Now I think it's like a beautiful part of the ceremony. So like if you're able to have a large wedding, you're literally taking your vows in front of the community of people that will hopefully help you in your journey of marriage to stay together. Right. Then when something happens, you're going to go have a conversation with one of those people sitting in that audience and say, break, you. won't believe what happened and hopefully they'll say let's figure this out for sure right that's good

marriage is beautiful it's challenging and it's also worthwhile it has the power to transform you in amazing ways i've experienced that i was laughing i went on a riverboat trip last year one week floating down the river huck fin style for a buddy's bachelor party and it's like i really fell at home there I was like, this could have been in a parallel universe. Andrew would be floating down the river on a daily basis, probably not have a job, live on just dollars a day. You know what's funny is you've said this so many times, but you chose to go to Vanderbilt and get your MBA.

There's never a world. I was just dead set on football, and then I just took the next thing that was ahead of me. Anyway, but you have transformed me into whatever iteration of Andrew this is. It's really fascinating. And I was a cripplingly insecure. paralyzed by perfection just like people-pleasing person who could not function and you've probably to your demise you've made the opposite ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha you're like you're

stubborn little oh you're talking about oh you're talking about that's so good thank you for sharing all right so when we tell ourselves congratulations on making such a huge commitment to each other it really is so special number two your spouse will change over time yeah that's right we actually read this book highly recommend it's called meaning of marriage and it actually says within the book the person you marry on your wedding day is not the person you will be with five years from now and that person is not the person you'll be with 10 years from now everyone changes they go through roller coasters they go through phases of life they mature they go through lows and highs and they just change people change and that's okay and so you have to evolve with

them you don't marry somebody though trying to change them yes but you agree i think it's marrying somebody with an understanding that change will happen like i'm a completely different person as a mom than I was. Thank you for Jerry. Am I in? Or am I the same person that you married on our wedding? No, I say it's different being married to a mom. It is.

Yeah. It's like, holy crap. While we are chilling, vibing. Next thing you know, saluting. I got fallen life. Oh, man. But this has struck me, I think it was like three years into marriage, where I was really struck with how much of responsibility it is because you are the greatest influence of change for your spouse. Yes.

So like if you are uncontrollable with your emotions or how you deal with conflict or respond, that is going to rub off. Like, yeah, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. So it takes so much responsibility to give them as unbiased. as you can clear feedback that they need to hear right it's not you're not each other's coach but it's like this precious really intimate like sensitive hey that's not okay for you to do that's not okay for you to treat me like that that's not okay for you to be selfish and xyz ways and then and then having the patience to say that time after time after time after time for a year after

year after year until finally there's movement that starts happening. It's crazy. You have the power to bring your spouse up or tear them to the ground. Yeah. You are the most trusted person in their life. You have to be very aware of that.

That's right. I'm going to add one here because this hit me about seven years in the marriage, so about two years ago. Okay. The concept of beneficial adversary. You know I freaking love this.

You'll love it. So the Hebrew word for Adam, as in Adam and Eve, from the Bible, the first man and woman, means beneficial adversary, okay? And when I think about that concept, thinking about almost two rams, budding heads in a way that strengthens each other, right? Yeah. Feel that? It's like this tug and tug of war in some senses. Yeah. Well, that's not the right image.

That's not the right. metaphor to make. But it is not just an adversary, right? Your differences make each other stronger. And you usually get married because of your differences. And then you start resenting your differences. And you just need to always remember that those differences are why you got together in the first place.

And they make you better. Yes. It takes a certain softness of heart, though, to realize that. It took me seven years to realize that. But it's like, dang, she's giving me this feedback because she loves me. She's selflessly... Did you remember that last night? Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh. But it wasn't until I started Jiu-Jitsu that I understood this concept of like taking something that the other person is giving you and turning it into something else. That's a good metaphor. We have 20 of these to get through. You're next. sometimes you just got to let things go I should learn this

I should work on this it says don't sweat the small stuff all the time it can be helpful to just let the little things go and not blow it up into something bigger than it needs to me yes I will work on it

you have anything to add there you have to do that no move on Okay, number four. Number four is for you. Body language can speak louder than words. You can be saying one thing with your body and your body language be saying another thing. Yes.

What? My body language is chill. My tone sometimes. Same thing. Same thing. I'm still confused about this one. We got to work on, we need a lesson in tone. Okay.

Okay. No, that's fine. I would still tell, I'd tell myself that on our wedding day, and I'd tell myself that right now. What? Body language can speak louder than words. Also, Sean didn't really care about the words you say. It's only just about how you say it.

So you could say, goobit-a-gab-a-gub-da. It's like talking to Nash. As long as you use a high-pitched, happy tone. Exactly. He's a wild-gous tail. Yeah. But also, if you say the wrong words, she'll remember it for decades. So that's...

So will you. Okay. Next, marriage is so worth fighting for. This is exactly what I was saying. Today's world is hard because it can be tempting for people to just throw in the towel when the going gets tough. But creating something that will last

is so beautiful and it is worth the work. I promise. Are you the type of person that can stay married? I should phrase that. What? What do you mean? Well, we mentioned this the other day. that we read people who were surveyed

and were considering divorce when surveyed again five years later they were very happy they were in the upper quartile of happy couples right quartile? Yeah 25% meaning there are going to be phases in any relationship always so

push through them right and then because if you get to For whatever reason, sorry, there are reasons. There are. But if you're like, oh, I just, I'm not happy because of this feeling. That too will pass. You might get married to another person, and then inevitably there will be another conflict that you're like, okay. So are you the type of person that can just do that?

Also, I hesitate to say that because we've been married nine years. We have a long run ahead of that. ahead of us you know you better buckle up i i know but i'm i'm just saying you're not getting out of this one i'm just saying we've made it nine years we've not made it until one of us has kicked the bucket in 90 years that's right anyway next uh let's summarize a few of these because these are great some seasons will be hard we've reiterated this in many different ways you will go through valleys and lows and it is a roller coaster

but if you can persevere through that the benefit and the reward is so much greater than having to start over the depth of connection and of love gets so amplified

in those tough times number seven it's okay to need personal space and your I give you personal I love you I'm like I'm a golden retriever I just need to be attached

you all the time you get your workout in Sean I'll do my workout at 530 because that's the only time I can and then sometimes she'll just like peek out there and then I'm like in the middle of hard exercises she's trying to have this conversation and then she'll be offended when I'm like hey can we

can we do this later oh I'm sorry you have a wife that just wants to spend time with you all the time all the time All the time. All you guys. Okay. Number eight, managing expectations is key.

Manage your expectations and understand that your partner won't fulfill every need you have. I'm still learning this one. Expectations are a fickle, fickle compass. Yeah. What is the right approach to this? Because in some ways, our conversations are expect less of me is what I'm saying to you and you're like no I expect more I expect the most out of you exactly and it's kind of this interesting dichotomy where my point is I'm not perfect expect me to let you down you know expect me to let you down but I'm not I'm going to do everything I can to not you know I'm saying so I think you're saying this in a very odd way that that people can misconstrue.

Okay. I think when you say words, like, expect me to fail, expect me to let you down. I understand it. You're saying, I will not be perfect. None of us will be. But how you say it leaves room

to justify mistakes. Instead of acknowledging that your spouse, expects a lot from you because I believe so much in you. 100%. So it would do you a disservice, and it would do a spouse a disservice to say, I don't expect anything from you

because that is in a way in my mind communicating, I don't have standards for you. I agree with you Honestly I'm struck by how much of a parallel this is to the Christian concept of saved by grace and not work Where it's like you don't need works but they're good I think different words than grace is like I have such high standards for you Yeah I will always give you grace and I will always work to have grace

When things happen but that will never change that you and I have high standards for each other. I think I've grown to appreciate high standards because that's sharpened me as a man.

Yeah, I don't know any way around it. I don't know. Sometimes I don't like it though. And I think I think the expectation thing though is goes back to the fulfillment where it's like, I cannot fulfill your every need. So expect me to not.

And I understand the expectations when it comes to fulfilling my needs. I think where you and I differ in our conversations around this is I have high expectations and standards for you when it comes to like parenting and your potential and your it's more so that. I can work on like executing not having such high expectations to like fulfill any need that I have because that's a personal thing that's not on you. But my standards I don't feel like would respect you

if I lowered them in regards to your potential. I appreciate that. Yeah. And that's one thing I love about our marriage is you ruthlessly expect high things from me, big things from me, in a great way. because you are a boss. But I'm trying to think of a better way to say this.

It's almost like it's my fault of letting you down are my problem. Your grace for those problems is my problem is your problem. So then we both have problems that then. But I also think maybe within communication, this is something everyone can work on too, is understanding and we've learned this in another podcast. I can't remember who it was with. I don't know.

My expectations, my standards, and maybe this is where you're, you're having the conversation of like expect less is my expectations and my standards have nothing to do with your value. So like

if you were to do nothing even with my high standards, high expectations, it does not change your value as a husband and a father and a spouse. We should try that out. See what happened. I'm not.

If you would like. No, no, I don't. I actually don't want that at all. That does feel a little unhealthy that you would be like actively choosing that. Okay. But you see what I mean. Yes. Next.

Don't let resentment creep in. This is number nine. If something is bothering you, nip it in the bud early on and talk about it. Same goes for holding a grudge. Talk about it so you can let it go. But time in intimate relationships, we learned this from Carl Pilamer, 30 Lessons on Living,

and intimate relationships, time does not heal. In most scenarios, it'll actually drive a deeper wedge. Yeah. So, work on it. That goes for,

actively. Yeah. Now. Peace, so we just did this huge counseling thing we've mentioned before. The big takeaway was, peace is up to you,

right? We're able to achieve, peace I think through faith and it's not what happens to it's how you respond to it and if no matter what happens if it's something that does

that does merit resentment it's your choice still where you're like okay no I'm kind of like working through life and I'm not letting anything stick to me I'm kind of just vibing through life jujitsu you know what I'm saying it's like

okay all right we're gonna roll off this one take it off the chin freaking go for it. Next thing. I have one. Go ahead. I read this and I say, I think about like our counseling

and everything we've learned and like, it's a choice. Resentment is a choice. And I think it's a practice. And it's a practice of the opposite to keep resentment out. And I don't know why this made you think of it. But back in gymnastics,

my coach taught me this practice. training regimen thing where he would give me an assignment. He would say, before you go to bed, I want you to close your eyes in bed, and I want you to picture yourself doing a beam routine, whatever. Picture yourself doing it perfectly 10 times in a row. The second you start picturing a mistake,

you wipe the slate clean and have to start over. And I think what surprised me, what surprised you guys if you try this, is it is so difficult to picture yourself doing something perfectly. And your body naturally and your mind naturally, I think because of society in the world, wants to think about the flaws, the mistakes, the negativity, the what-ifs, and you start spiraling down a black hole.

And it becomes this like practice of mental strength to stay on the positive side. And I think with the resentment, I think it's an active practice of like if you start having negative thoughts in your mind towards your spouse stop it like catch it mid-sentence and wipe it clean be like uh-uh we're not going there does that make sense yeah i love i still think you need to talk about things yes but you should not let yourself in our council even told me this she's like you should not be letting yourself lay in bed and stew over i can't believe he said this i can't believe he did this how

could he like that nothing good comes of that a couple thoughts that was great one this almost deserves a line but there are simultaneously wonderful traits about you and frustrating traits about you like what and resentment happens i think when you fixate or ruminate on the negative for sure that's what i'm saying it's an active choice of like what are you going to think about right and it is a mental discipline to focus on the positive things. And it doesn't come, this is part B to what I'm thinking. It doesn't come from an ignorance or being aloof or detached or apathetic. No. Like that ability to tap into peace or focus on the positive. It comes from, I think a healthy detachment might be a good way to put it. It's a prioritization of realizing Sean

doesn't have the top seat as far as human relationships top seat yes but as far as as far as what my source of value comes from it's not the top seat so that that becomes a really important thing where it's like you're able to say okay she might not respond the way I want or two she might not give me the love languages I need right now when I need them but I still feel loved because the top seed is taken. Next. We got to skim-boo. I know.

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We were given a wonderful piece of advice that I feel like you and I do really well on and you have to like commit to it, but the day you get married, you should start before then. the day you get married never talk about your spouse negatively to your inner circle to your inner circle like to anybody you shouldn't be telling you yeah yeah that's fair that's fair

and I think it's because of the world likes to talk negatively about marriage and they like to like rag and like it becomes cool to be like oh I can't believe no because the world will take the negative side don't do that don't open yourself up to other

people talking negatively about your spouse too don't do it yeah which goes to another one which is having a good community is so helpful someone who's pro your relationship pro you ultimately and sometimes that can look like a different advocate if you will like if someone's advocating on behalf of your well-being that might look different than someone advocating on behalf of the relationships well-being hopefully they're in line right aligned but not having someone who identifies the negative traits in your spouse or amplifies and is a yes man

for all of the negative things that you might be feeling or experiencing is so helpful, right? If I go to a friend, I say, man, Sean and I are struggling. I just can't figure out how to communicate this to her and she seems to get upset. And she's like, I can't believe she would respond like that.

Yeah. Then that's not the type of good community we're talking about. Or if they start saying, I'm like, oh, this is why I don't get married. Or like, no, none of that is good. Don't let them get to you. You have to protect your marriage at all costs. Yep, that's good.

Try to be that type of friend that fights for other people. Like, be a good source of wisdom and level-headedness. Next, make time for intimacy. Hey-A. Hey, hey, hey, hey. After the honeymoon phase ends and you introduce kids in the mix or careers or travel, whatever, it can be hard to keep intimacy as a priority but keep making time for each other we did a whole episode on intimacy y'all loved it because you thought we were just going to talk about sex the

whole time but intimacy talks about emotional intimacy really getting to know the essence of who sean is who my wife is and the physical aspect certainly is and investing time in your day no matter how difficult it is to like invest into intimacy of some kind so that making time for physical intimacy is not difficult. Yes. Like you have to build both emotional and physical intimacy all the time. Which brings us to our next, which is emotional connection is so important.

In order to physically connect, you first need to be emotionally connected connected in order to, I think, optimize the physical connection. Which takes active effort and time. Yes. When you're exhausted at the end of the day and you've been catering to kids and work and you're touched out and talked out.

No, your spouse is your priority. Don't drain your tank every single day so that you can't even have a conversation with your spouse. Sometimes it will feel like a sacrifice that I'll need to stop whatever I'm doing and like, you know, I don't really feel cuddly. It's not that I don't want to hang with you. It's just I don't really feel cuddly.

Like sometimes Sean needs it. Other times I need it and it's a sacrifice for her. It's great. next sometimes one person will give more than the other it's unrealistic for both partners to give 100% of themselves to marriage every day in some seasons one person may be struggling and the other person may need to carry the weight and then at some point that'll switch in so many different aspects financially emotionally physically just in every different category of life you both are going to be probably on opposite ends of the spectrum and it's your job as a spouse

to support them in that yeah Someone use the term, someone's going to be the kite, someone's going to be the kite holder, and it's going to switch at some point, but just playing that role can be really helpful. Our relationship is ebdom flows in so many different ways. The other note I had on this one is give 100% of whatever you got left, right? So that's important. And also claiming 100% of whatever fault that you have or whatever mistakes, your 1% of an issue, claim 100% of the 1%.

you know that makes sense yeah next stay friends as best as you can i think it's hard sometimes this is just like keep the fun alive enjoy spending time together talk about your day like you would with a friend you should be best friends and spouses and partners and roommates and like you're all these things but make sure you're actively being friends treat each other with the same generosity or philanthropy as you would a friend right not not layer it with all the resentment of i can't believe she did this or i'm annoyed at her for this next never stop dating each other at first it can feel easy to make times for dates those early years in our marriage that was the case but his life moves on time gets committed to harder to prioritize each other so keep fighting for it sean i do

weekly date nights on Thursday night we try to have an activity with a meal and it's undistracted time. Sometimes after we had our third kid it was sitting down for an hour of silent dinner because we were not

viving. But we were together. Yeah and we were giving it a chance and showing each other that we were giving it a chance and still there for each other even though that looked different. Kind of stemming off of that. Number 17 and it's okay to ask for help.

I did say you don't want to talk negatively about your spouse to your inner circle or to anyone out. The asterisk there is, it's okay to ask for help. Counseling, therapy, mentors. When you hit rough patches, which you will, that's normal, and totally fine, ask for help. Go get someone to help you navigate through those rough waters instead of trying to say it like, oh, it'll just get better sometimes.

Like, ask for help. Yeah, and I think the difference between asking for help and gossiping or venting is the intention behind it, where it's like, if you're asking for help, the intention is to yield the relationship in whatever way it's been broken. If you're venting, it's just... You want someone on your team to take your side. Yeah, it's like a personal... Yeah. I want to feel personally better about this or personally affirmed in my frustration. Yeah.

Not the same thing. 18. You're a team when you leave the altar. I think this is a lesson we had to learn over time a little bit, but it's like leave and cleave to a certain extent is how I interpret that. You become each other's number ones, not your parents, not your spouses, not your best friend anymore. All of them take a back seat to your spouse.

And you have to remember that. Not your parents, not your siblings. I think you said spouses, not your spouse's. Oh. Yeah. Not your siblings, not your parents, not your best friends. Your spouse is your number one. Yeah, and it's a really beautiful thing when that teammate or the team dynamic is tapped into.

19, make time to dream together. Talk about your hopes and dreams as a couple. It's a great way to have a common goal to work towards. Yeah, there's like a little excitement and energy. Sean and I do our goal setting. We've talked endlessly. about it you can check out previous episodes to learn more about that but that is such a fun time for us to see what each of us are aiming for like what the kind of north star is it's fun last one

most important maybe yep keep showing up keep showing up there's so much power and simply showing up hmm that one that one hits harder now than i think it did yeah we've been through some rough patches bro yeah keep showing up that's good i'm gonna have five seconds of silence just thinking about that join me not for real that's that's pretty nuts um happy late valentine's day love love this is fun to talk about i love i love you i love you darling what a fun nine years here's to here's to the next night nine years. And if you made it this far,

please let us know what you thought of this episode. Did we miss any? What would you tell yourself on your wedding day? It's really funny. If you think about you sharing your comment, maybe somebody else reads that

and is encouraged, or they needed to hear that. You know what you should do? What? Just in the next, I would say this year, I want to write each of our children a letter of like

what we wish we would have told ourselves on our wedding day, what we want to tell them on their wedding day. now as they're like kids i like that that's sweet i actually did an exercise with matt writing a letter to myself on our wedding day i love that and my buddy's not married yet he wrote us a letter to himself on his wedding day i like that it was kind of cool to see we read each other's letters anyway also if you made it this far please subscribe to the show leave it a rating hit the thumbs up

whatever you got to do whatever platform you listen to also link to the discount code for beam kids it's still live it's in the show uh notes down below and i think we mentioned a couple books And we'll try to add the Amazon storefront that organizes our favorite books. So check those out too. Thanks for listening. See you next week. I'm Andrew. I'm Sean.

Out.