Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 249 | Dear Shawn & Andrew (Part 1)

Episode Date: February 27, 2025

Today we decided to try our spin at an “Dear Abby” newspaper column styled episode! We asked you to send in questions, hot takes, fun stories or ask for advice and we read the submissions in real time. We love getting to know YOU all better, so episodes like this are really fun for us to record and we hope to do more of them! To send in a submission for part 2, click the link below 🙂 Love you guys! Shawn and Andrew Send in a submission on this page ▶ https://www.familymade.com/podcasts/couple-things Beam Kids is now available online at shopbeam.com/COUPLETHINGS. Take advantage of our early access price of up to 40% off using code COUPLETHINGS Follow our podcast Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/shawnandandrewpods/ Subscribe to our newsletter ▶ https://www.familymade.com/newsletter Follow My Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/ShawnJohnson Follow My Tik Tok ▶ https://www.tiktok.com/@shawnjohnson Shop My LTK Page ▶ https://www.shopltk.com/explore/shawnjohnson Like the Facebook page! ▶ https://www.facebook.com/ShawnJohnson Follow Andrew’s Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/AndrewDEast Andrew’s Tik Tok ▶ https://www.tiktok.com/@andrewdeast?lang=en #DearS&A #ShawnAndAndrewPods #Advice #Anonymous Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Let's go. What's up, everybody? Welcome back to a couple things. With Sean and Andrew. We're trying the live thing again. I love live streams. There's nothing more exhilarating or frustrating. When's the last time one worked, Andrew?

2017, I think. We got one to work. Man, we were doing game nights on live streams. We remember, what was the game? We were playing Werewolf on live YouTube. Yeah. At one point we did that. No, the last live stream I remember working was when I cut your hair.

That was during the pandemic. Yeah. We were doing a fundraiser. We had 26,000 people watching me get my hair cut. Yeah. We sent all the money somewhere. Yeah. But welcome to today's life where we're going to be talking about a new series that we've

tried to avoid for as long as possible for the first six years of this podcast. But today we're just braving. I'm really excited about it. It's where we give you advice. We're just going to sling hot takes. It's called Dear Sean and Andrew. So on our website, we do have a place where you can submit questions. and stories and prompts,

and we will sit here and give you our two cents. Should you follow our advice? I don't know. I'm not going to say yes. In the description of this episode, we apologize for the ridiculousness ahead of time, which, yeah, maybe if we're able to provide a different perspective than mission accomplished.

I even read the first prompt, and I'm like, I don't freaking know. You already read some of them? I read the first one. Jeez. If you guys have other questions, please go ahead and put them in the comment. section are we working so far yes let's check in with the people we are it's looking crispy nice

and nice video quality audio quality is there yeah it's great if you're just joining us for the first time this podcast is sean and i talking about different things that we've gone through as we've dated and gotten engaged and married now we parent together and uh yeah we try to schedule in times to reflect so that we can share what we've learned with you guys in a sensical way that makes sense but it's a blast and we do interviews and if you're new here then subscribe we have now video on Spotify which is hype we have video on YouTube and then we have the podcast audio on all the different platforms but I will preface by saying I apologize if you hear me cough we've been to the doctor we've seen all the peeps and they're like you know

what it's probably a lingering cough from some sort of virus that I had way over 10 days ago I said you know it could linger for like three weeks I'm like you got a virus keep your viruses to yourself I had it 10 days ago we have a comment of the day that I would like to read let's hear it I've been following these two since the beginning and I've never missed an episode Sean and Andrew are so easy to listen to they're optimistic transparent and down to earth they talk about real topics that others can easily relate to and their perspectives are so great to hear. I love this show.

Always supporting the East fam. What up? Love it. Love it. Thank you for that comment and we love reading those. Sometimes, sometimes read comments that aren't that nice, believe it or not.

And what I realized is you could please some people sometimes, but you can't please. You went down a rabbit hole. I have bad comments the other day. I did. You got yourself in the funk. I rarely do.

I rarely do. But I was sad and then I just wanted to pile on the sadness. Oh, I'm sorry, man. But that's not what we're here to talk about today. Today, we have an episode to get to. We also have Lisa to talk to and many other people. Yeah. And so tell them about the series.

Okay, so this new series is called Dear Sean and Andrew. It's inspired by the newspaper advice column, Dear Abby, where you can send all your questions, hot takes, crazy stories, and we will respond to them. I apologize if we share our hot takes and you follow them and you don't like the outcome. So let me just preface by saying, sorry, we are not professionals. We are in this thing called marriage and we're still fighting for it. So, you know, we've got three babies and don't really know what we're doing.

But we'll give you the best we got. Yeah, we have anecdotal advice. We don't have professional advice or stuff. statistical advice, just things that we've learned. I am, I'm trying to brush up my edges and I'm in school again. Yeah, you're actually, you're actually a professional. Not yet, no, I'm not, I'm not a counselor. Are you going to ever say you're a professional?

Because you got the credentials. But if you're wanting our hot takes on your, on your issues, or our advice, then we have a link that you can find down below on the Dear Sean and Andrew page of our website. So let's get into it, shall we? This one's from Kayla. dude this one I don't know you go ahead and read it you want me to read it yeah hi Sean and Andrew me my husband and our children recently made a giant move across country to be closer to a family and a few uh to be closer to family a few months ago sadly it has been a really rough transition

we really miss our previous city space friends church and more moving is so much harder than we thought it would be the problem is now my husband's job is here and otherwise we'd probably just move right back should we stick it out try to be patient and see if we like it here if we give it more time and if so how much time should we give it or can we just turn this move around immediately and go back to our previous state ha what would you do oh man interesting all right you go first i don't know and i talk about this a lot between indiana and nashville because andrew's entire extended family is an indie all of his siblings are in Indy, just cousins, everyone, mom.

But in Nashville, we have kind of built our foundation here, our church, our community, our schools, our friends, our work, everything we have is here in my family. We have had close friends move back to Indy and family who have had the same transition, really rough identity kind of crisis where they kind of lose their foundation, but yet they're close to family so they have family i would say i don't know we don't know the answer here either something keeps keeping us in nashville um and we aren't moving to indy but we go visit there a lot almost at least once a month now so i would say i think it's so important to be around family and i'm a huge believer in that but i also think if your gut is telling you

your family dynamic is better when you're in your old city it the things change jobs can change you can move right back and go back to what you're comfortable with and maybe just implement a system where you go visit family more often or try sticking it out i don't know yeah okay so they have kids so driving long distances is not viable so i think like a four-hour radius for us is comfortable because you can, you know, leave in the afternoon and make it up for dinner time. So we'll make weekend trips

up to my family occasionally. So I think there can be a happy medium. Yeah. I feel a lot of tension about this right now with our kids because when they're around their cousins, it's magic for them.

It is. And whatever, cousins are such an interesting relationship to have as a kid because they're not just friends, you know, the parenting with your with my siblings is different like my my siblings kind of parent our kids there there's kind of the same culture that shared with with the children and they're not just straight siblings so it's like this wonderful middle ground uh and i wish they had the opportunity to experience more

of that i do think that if we lived in indy we'd be less intentional about seeing our family and it's more of a a maybe maybe we see you maybe don't right now we have to like schedule schedule intentional time And so when we're in Indy, it's all family all the time, which is awesome. I will say, too, a sibling of ours that moved back has said that exact thing. That now that they're close to family, they actually see family less because in the back of your mind, you're like, they're right down the street. I don't, I will always see them, but then they actually rarely do. Yeah.

But I would say that community does come with time, so maybe you'll settle into that. And I hope you find good friends, but it's going to be okay, Kayla. We're rooting for you. You want to go to the next one? Yeah. I think you should read it so I don't. So you don't call. Okay.

This one's from Ashton. We have twin 10-year-olds as well as a 2-and-a-half-year-old and a 10-month-old. The 10-year-old activities are already taking up a lot of time and we can travel during the season. We've done the divide-and-conquer thing between my husband and I, but we prefer to be together if possible. I'm curious what your thoughts are on balancing multiple kids' activities and the time commitments while still. keeping marriage of priority. Thanks for the podcast and all the work you do. I'm a busy mom and I love being able to put my AirPods in,

turn on your podcast and get a little break from the chaos. Thank you for that, Ashton. Can I start this one? Because I actually have strong feelings on this. And I just spoke about this yesterday morning. Yeah. So, Sean, I love this podcast because we get to talk about things that we care about. I don't know why, you know, I don't know why people listen to it, frankly.

But we do spend a lot of time researching this type of stuff. This is the books we like to read. I'm also in several groups that talk about. was it like to be ambitious and want to achieve things in life and in careers but also still prioritize your family kind of an interesting overlap there yesterday morning I had a meeting with a wonderful group of guys and we talked about kids activities and one of one of the dads was talking about how their 15 year old son for the longest time was doing baseball because a dad had him doing baseball and they would be going out to mount juliet tennessee stressing about whatever tournament

how much playing time they're getting the tournament the kids getting in the tournament when really the kid just wanted to go fishing with his dad and it's like um one of the things he said was put the kid in the activities that the kid wants to do yeah you know and and it's not it's used sports is a whole another topic but it relates to this where there's like this overwhelming i don't know movement, it seems like, to try to get young kids specialized as soon as possible so that they have the best chance of getting a college scholarship and becoming pro athletes, which is absolutely absurd. There's so many factors out of your control, including genetics, you know? And it's like, why ruin this amazing time that you have, the 18 years that you have with the kids under your

house by trying to like force this dream that may or may not happen? Let the kid decide. And if they love basketball, do it, you know? If it undermines the rest of the family, don't do it. Yeah. And if the kid just wants to play, they love basketball, but they love it through the high school level, then do it through the high school level. Don't, don't like try to optimize for shooting coaches and camps for collegiate looks if the kid doesn't want to do it.

We're not at that phase yet where there's tension between us and the kids yet because they're still so young. But I do think for our family, at least, togetherness. and having the shared culture and shared experiences is so integral to how Sean and I want to parent and preserve that sense of unity and like the camaraderie between siblings. I mean, there's so much I can commiserate with

with my siblings because we never went on vacation with friends. Like spring break in high school and middle school, it was not like I'm going to the beach with a little Jimmy. No, we're going on a camping trip to the Grand Canyon. None of us really want to do it, but dad wants to do it. All right, we're doing it. it's like there's all this doing that all those shared together moments is it's amazing anyway i'll stop uh i just have two things we have young ones not 10 so we're not in like travel leagues

or anything yet but i will say we actually got a note from our three-year-old's teacher jet's teacher and she was the one to say jet keeps begging to do soccer and he's talking about it would highly recommend you signed him up. And to us, that was like a no-brainer because it was like, we aren't asking him, we're not putting him in it. You know, he's truly talking about it and wanting to be a part of it. So that was like a clear sign that there was something important for him to be a part of that we wanted to support. But we still ask him, you know, every couple weeks, like, do you want to do soccer today? And I do think he's at an age at the moment where like if he doesn't, he shouldn't go.

And I do think at some point in, you know, life and at a certain age, you start teaching, like, commitments and you can't quit and you can't just not go because you don't want to one day. Like, it's part of a commitment. But then I also think something Andrew and I try to do between our five-year-old and three-year-old who each do two activities a week. So, Drew does ice skating and gymnastics. That are you to each under an hour, right? Yeah. And Jet does ice skating and soccer. Drew has been talking about ballet.

So if she does ballet, we usually get rid of one of the others that week. And Jett, when he can do BMX, he wants to do BMX, but we get rid of something that week. But we always talk about this idea of at the end of every week or at the end of every month, you need to sit down and talk about how was your time split amongst each kid fostering their passions? So did you have a month where you literally fostered only one kid's passion and the other kid was just a tag along? Or was it equally split out? And I think it's important for you to show each kid that you're investing in their interests equally amongst all instead of just one. And even at two and a half, I think that should show like we're going to a playground because your two and a half year old wants to and your 10 year old's going to go support.

you know, I think you should prioritize each kid that way. Which, by the way, it's worth acknowledging that our approach is more moderate than a lot of parents right now. But that led you still, you were raised with this moderate approach and you still made it to the Olympics.

I was raised with a moderate approach and I still played a pretty high level of athletics. I was going to say, even if you're on a travel league, my two cents, you can skip games and practice. It's not going to hurt anything. You guys, we've officially launched our big project.

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Every supplement we previously found for our kids was always missing something. We found greens without probiotics, probiotics without vitamins or vitamins without a kid-friendly flavor. There just wasn't a single product that brought it all together. But now we just mix one scoop of Beam Kids with water milk, shake it up, and let our kids enjoy what they think is chocolate milk, but we know is packed with vitamins. beam kids is now available online at shopbeam.com forward slash couple things because you're a listener to our show you can take advantage of our early access price of up to 40% off plus a free reusable cup and travel pack using code couple things get your kids all in one super powder and your free gift by heading over to shop beam that's b e a m dot com slash couple things enter the code couple things again that's shop beam dot com slash couple things and use code couple things for up to 40% off also So as far as the last subject goes of moving towards, of moving closer to family, Laura said that she moved several times during their marriage,

and it took three years or so to settle in each time they moved. Allison says that you would still need to schedule time with family, even if you're close by. Also, as a frequent mover, she thinks it also takes two to three years to get comfortable somewhere new. So Kayla, for your earlier question, it does seem like two or three years is the timeline, as you asked. Next, unsure Rosie says she's not sure if she wants another kid.

Long story short, it took a couple years for our first and had to use hormones to conceive. Now it's been almost five years of trying again and she wants to give up. But she's scared my first child will forever wish they had a sibling. I feel like God is making this hard on purpose and maybe we should never have used assistance to get pregnant the first time. sometimes I think he's mad at us for not trusting him and his plan. Should I go back and try to get pregnant with assistance again, or is it time to move on and let go? I don't think God's mad at you.

No. I don't think that's right. And I'm sorry you're going through this. It's the second thing I have to say. But what a wonderful blessing is to have one kid, and kudos to you for five years of persevering despite. I think wonderful miracles do happen. so if you think it's in the cards and you and the husband won another kid why stop you know why why stop trying i know

there's like complications and and factors at play there but uh it sounds like she's a great mom so would love more kids to have great moms like rosy unsure rosy i don't think god's capable of being mad at you god loves you yeah i don't think you're doing anything doing anything wrong And it's going to be okay? Yeah. Anything else there? No. It's another comment from the last question saying I'm a strong proponent of competitive team sports for kids,

but I do think there is a balance and it should be things that the kids enjoy and want to do. Also, there's a lot of people that have a similar cough. Seems like it's a nationwide ailment, so you're not alone. So sorry for those listening to this. Next up. Catherine, would love to know how you two work through grief while parenting young kids and prioritizing your marriage. I recently lost my dad and have two young kids and find it really tough to navigate my grief while trying to be the best parent and wife. What has worked for you all through the grief of losing Andrew's dad?

With our kids, I think what has worked for us is sharing it with them. I think there is something really powerful when you're able to share with your children grief and I'm not saying putting grief on your kids but your kids can sense when you're off and when you're sad and when you're affected and being able to explain that to your kids like I'm having a hard time today because I miss Papa

and I'm thinking about him a lot and you know I'm sad I think is really really powerful for a kid So for us, we just talk about it a lot. And we talk about the ups and downs and it being okay. And our kids actually understand that now. They talk about it a lot, too. Yeah, I wouldn't compartmentalize being a great parent and grieving separately. I think one thing that changed my perspective on this was viewing family as like this continuation.

And so the more we talk about Papa and the effect that he had on me and my siblings and my mom, the more that that shared family history and culture is carried on with the kids. And it's amazing, Jet recently, have you noticed this? Have you noticed this? I've been saying, Papa taught me that. He talks about Papa a lot. A lot. Yeah, it's like it'll be, because I think we've mentioned how Papa used to play piano,

and so I'll see a piano and say, Papa taught me that. Yeah. But I think it's, I have been delighted by how grief has increased my awareness of the wonderful. attributes of my dad. I think in a lot of ways I have a lot to be grateful for with that that I have such a positive memory of who he was and how he affected me. Not everyone may have that, but like I'm just, I get to share that with my kids. Like, oh, we go on bike rides to school and the kids will be back there and my dad used to bike me to school. So I'll tell the kids that. And then we'll

talk next thing you know, we're talking about Papa and how he used to ride the bike super fast. and he did Ironman triathlons and then Drew will start she's throwing jabs in me saying dad or Papa rode the bike faster than you dad and it's like yeah I love that like I don't know it's almost like

you know Kayla's question of not living by family or living by family it's almost like you're just not next to Papa but that doesn't mean the relationship's done you know you're not living by them in a different sense so anyway we have a lot of questions in the group

chat now we have aspen with us dan with us brittany with us we'll get to those at the end let's get through the submitted ones first if you're up for that yes also katherine to close that last one sorry sorry you lost your dad i know it's like a whole thing and uh grief is a wild ride so i i hope that you are able to tap into the the beautiful aspects of it as well despite the sadness but we're we're cheering you on from afar you want to read chelsea's Yeah. Well, you think I was about to cry there? No, I'm curious if you want to tackle another grief question.

Oh, another one. Yeah. Sure. Chelsea says, how has Andrew's grief journey been? Oh, there you go. I lost my mom in 2020, and it's been rough. What things make it easier, and how has the grief impacted your marriage? Hmm.

What, we're two, two, just over two years since my dad passed unexpectedly. Uh, how has our grief journey been? the other day I was tearing up pretty good I don't know like yeah I think I cry more and I've been able to experience deeper emotions as a result of it I would say it's been

like a net positive as odd as that is to say I have been more reflective in many ways about my experience about how my dad affected me and how I

I want to father our children. But again, I kind of, like, the way things ended was super beautiful. And, like, the last conversations I had with my dad were about legacy. This happens to, like, because of the podcast, really, we talk about these things all the time. And so this was at the top of my mind. And so I was talking to my dad about, like, what do you want your legacy to be? And next thing you know, we're having this wonderful conversation. I'd also read a book by John Tyson called The Intentional.

father where he put you through an exercise of like writing your your dad a letter of all the things that he did well and i gave that to my dad without knowing he was going to die six months before he died so like i i don't know there there's no part of me thankfully that feels like i wish i would have said this or wish i would have said thank you it's like i don't know but i don't know if that's something that I'm really fortunate for or if that's like the history and the post mortum narrative that I've constructed because like there's I'm sure there's also conversations that didn't go well with my dad I've just been able to cherry pick certain things that did go well yeah that is good that's yeah so that's what I'm saying it's been good because like the image I

have in my dad is great and we talk about them all the time so um also sorry you lost your mom, Chelsea. It's a bummer. What things make it easier? I think having the act of practice of remembering the good is what makes it easier.

I think you can linger on, like what Andrew said, post-mortem, these what-ifs, if only I could have, why did I say this? Why did they do this? Like, if you start going down this rabbit hole of, like, filing only those memories that aren't great, it can make grief a lot harder.

But I also think being able to get through the grief and celebration of life, I think, has made it easier. And how has it affected our marriage? I think positively. I think positively, yeah. One, I'm super thankful that you've been supportive and given me space to grieve. So, like, if I'm crying, it's probably because I'm thinking of my dad or I heard a song or whatever, and you've been very gentle with that. But I also think that it has, in some ways, changed our understanding of each other

in, like, a really beautiful, fragile way where, like, I don't know, like, I wasn't crying a lot before, and so I think you have more empathy. for me it feels that way um and i think i've felt forced to share more because there'll be days or moments where i'll like feel a little more sappy or sad or whatever and then instead of me instead of that being for some other cause it's it's like been it's been good practice for me to like talk about my emotions which i think is positively impacted our marriage Mm-hmm. I think, yeah. Anything else?

No. You've been great through it. Thanks. Thank you. I love you. I love you. Christina. Hey, y'all. I'm 29 and single and dating has always been kind of hard for me.

I've never been in a real relationship and just haven't found the right person where I meet a wonderful guy. And after a few dates, he says, I'm amazing, but they're not ready or emotionally available. It's getting really frustrating. I look up to your relationship, and I think Andrew is a great example of the kind of man I want to find. but it seems impossible in modern dating culture to find a nice, godly man who wants to take care of me and be a family man, but also cheer on my success. And when I think I found someone perfect, they back out or ghost me. So I'd love to hear both of your takes on modern dating and how to approach it at this age. And I would love to hear Andrew's take on why men at this age and older

30s are still fleeing for the hills when they meet someone they like, but claim they're just not ready or can't commit. Thank you both. for being amazing examples and some of the best people on the web. I don't know about that, Christina, but thank you for the compliment. I'm smiling because we just got, if we're writing a book about this, the manuscript should be done in May, and then the book should come out next June, June, 26. This is what we just, this morning we're writing about.

You start. It's hard. I one commend you for being in the dating world in these days I feel like it's got to be difficult and we can't fully speak on it

since we're not dating in the modern times and world but I will say what we are talking about this morning and writing the book about this topic was I think you need to go into dating and get rid of of a lot of the fluff is the way that I had spoke about it. And I mean that in the sense of

you should court each other and you should be intentional with like the dating process of like putting effort out. But you should also be very intentional and upfront at the beginning of what your intentions are in the sense of if you are looking for a husband, then don't humor guys that don't fall into the category of husband material. If people are just looking for a hookup, they're looking for a hookup, and they're probably not going to change in the course of six months.

But also, if you're just looking for a hookup, like you have to come to terms with that side of things too. Some people will say, I want a committed relationship, but then their actions will not follow suit. Yeah. So that gets complicated. So I do think you have to be intentional

in saying, like, are you just interested in this guy for the day or are you willing to like fight it out for eternity and I don't know my thoughts

are this that I think it's harder nowadays than ever to kind of be content with a person or yes

so much you're dating when like you have all these insane options that you can just sort through and they're kind of like these extreme cases of like oh my gosh this is the funniest person i've ever met or this is the most philosophical deep person i've ever met i love the questions and conversations we have oh my gosh this is the most beautiful you kind of like you're able to maximize certain aspects of a person and what I am a proponent for is this like good enough threshold I think there are you know people talk about having a list of things and characteristics that you look for in my mind that's great because you kind of you kind of whittled down what means most to you but no one's going to check all

the boxes so like what is your good enough threshold that then you have to acknowledge that there will be a gap between what you would love an ideal world to date and what they're really options are with people that are just imperfect and annoying and like Sean is and I'm kidding no but it's like there there will be no perfect option so find someone who is wife material or husband material and that doesn't mean they're perfect so like you just got to deal with it and that's a wonderful kind of aspect derivative of of marriage where you're like all right we have stuff to work on let's go the purpose of marriage is not to change the other person but that will happen inevitably if you both engage in it genuinely and so kind of hit your

most important things do they believe the same things I do do they get along with my family all these things that's our list yeah yeah I'm saying we have a list though yeah uh anyway thank you for the for the question Christina it'll be okay Okay. Got this. Jada, this may be a hot take, but just because you get married young doesn't mean it won't last. My husband and I have been together since we were 14. We got married last year at age 23, and we occasionally get looked down upon because we got together so young and are now married. He's my best friend and love of my life, and we now have a son, and I feel so thankful to have had so much time with him as I've had. Marriage is not easy and takes constant. work from both of us, but it easily is the best decision I've ever made. Love that. Was that a question? No. Is it a hot take? I would

agree. What do you agree with? Andrew and I have talked about this. I think dating is so much easier when you're younger. And I think getting married in some senses is easier when you're younger because you're still so moldable. So you're still like,

you're figuring out life married and if you can prioritize your marriage through that when you're young I do think that's easier than being more set in your ways later on in life and trying to find someone who's compatible to that because you're not figuring out who you are together you're literally stuck in your ways and trying to find someone who's also stuck in their ways but you both work together I feel like it's easier to stay together if to stuck in their ways later in life people get married. But I do think getting married younger has its pros to it too. It's kind of like the sweet spot that I think oftentimes is correlated to age but isn't always. But there's some type of like humility that comes with youth that I think gets aged

out of and people talk about you know a hard hard headed old man set in his way like you can't teach an old dog new tricks that kind of applies here where it's like yeah it's it's going to be harder to to be sacrificial and flex that muscle the older you get right yeah the benefit of getting together young is like you're used to the selflessness that comes with the committed relationship and it's less of a friction, I think, at the beginning. So, anyway, I agree with you, Jada. Wait, Mallory says that they're in the same boat. This is from the group chat.

They've been married since 19 and 20, and we've been celebrating 21 years of marriage. They'll celebrate on Friday. That's amazing. Page also got married at 19 and 20, and they're going on year 27 of marriage. And Aubrey says, hope you're both having a blessed day.

Thank you for that. Allison says that you should date yourself and commit to yourself in the way that you would like a partner to. Check yourself and notice if you have the rigid requirements that are holding you back. That's a good take. Thank you, Allison. And then Brittany says social media definitely plays a role in defining what good enough looks like. So it's important to be realistic and realizing that no one is truly perfect. Yeah.

I agree. So it's complicated nowadays. All righty. Sandy. My husband and I have a loving and good relationship, and we don't stay in arguments for long, but a recurring issue we have is misunderstanding each other's tone. Lord. Who are we going to get to talk about this one for advice?

We just can't seem to stop getting so randomly offended by each other, and each time both of us are surprised the other is offended. Any tips to get over this marriage, Tiff? Love you guys. Any tips, Andrew? Who? tone i don't tone doesn't mean anything to me tone means everything to me you give the tips i don't know we're still figuring this out too i feel like we get um in arguments because of tone as well

and i really don't know if we have any tips some of the things we have been taught by like therapists are a practice you can try is after someone has spoken to you in a gentle tone in a gentle way say okay so what i'm hearing is this or what you said is this and so like repeat back exactly what they said not in the tone that they did but say like i'm hearing whatever am i making sense. Yeah, Zeta Lover says, um, tone means everything, Andrew, which I acknowledge it's great. But like, it's, it's important. I just don't get as sensitive about it as you do.

I think it's really hard in life. Let's take our example. I think it's really hard in life when we spend the day at work and we're dealing with, you know, finances at the same time. And we're dealing with all the ins and outs of a business. And we're dealing with mortgage and all, whatever. And then we go home and it's like, oh, I have to run to the grocery store. And I go to the grocery store and they're out of eggs and they're like all these things.

And then we come home and we have a five, three and one year old. And the five year old says something that I have to fit. Like whatever. Life has all of these things being thrown at you. And at the end of the day, I might have a built up frustration that has nothing to do with Andrew. But my response is fueled with a tone. that is caused by frustration of something else and I might take it out on him

even though I'm saying the right things I might be like I love you too Andrew you know and that isn't fair to you yeah so I think realizing at the end of the day during arguments and conversations

that your tone is pretty much the body language that is trying to back whatever you're saying and if it doesn't match it can cause an argument because it's very confusing

yeah it still is confusing a couple of things that I've observed though because we don't have to figure it out one when I do the repeat back thing or these different methods that we've learned of like hey just so you know I'm listening here's what I heard that comes off to you as cold

so there's a tone that's rude and then there's a tone that's like disengaged which I don't know how to hit the sweet spot yet the other thing is I think priming myself is a word that's come to mind that I've tried to do a better job at

where I'll just like instead of rolling from work to parenting or a conversation with you giving like even two or three minutes of just quiet space I'm not listening to a podcast

I'm not listening to a song I'm just like transitioning to okay whatever happened to work that was an ideal we'll move past I'm gonna I am now transitioning

into being a father and that's kind of helped change my tone I also think just having more awareness and me communicating you're not worried at this all these things happen

and that's why I'm bummed I've tried to do a better job but explicitly stating hey just so you know XYZ didn't work out today like I thought it would and then that way like it changes

it kind of changes the conversation totally you know Here's a hot take on tone. Ander Dean, you are very, like, socially kind and intentional and aware with friends and strangers. Okay. Yeah. So you go into a coffee shop and someone comes up to you and they spark a conversation. Yeah.

Every single thing you say, you intentionally say with a demeanor and a respect. and a tone that is as on par and like respectful to that person as possible, right, as can be. Yeah, but we're talking about the weather. We're not talking about the nuances. Okay, yeah, yeah. You are talking about the nuances. Okay. You could be talking to some of your best friends and men's group.

And the point I'm trying to make is I do think within a relationship, you get so relaxed, not you, people. in your relationship, that your guard goes way down in how you are intentionally like presenting yourself to a person. And I think spouses can get easily offended by tone because... Oh no, not the cliffhanger, Sean. All right, everyone, let's talk electrolytes. If you've ever been exhausted midday with a headache and brain fog, the reason could be an electrolyte deficiency.

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They'll refund your order. No questions asked. We'll transition to comments. Aubrey says I chose to stop looking for love because I truly wanted someone who would match up with me emotionally, more, and spiritually. God gave me everything that I prayed for and more. I'm assuming that you stopping your search for love, eased your approach to it in a different way.

I like that. All right. Katie says, hi, Shannon. Andrew, love listening to your podcast and perspective. I'm looking for a roundup of each of your top book recommendations for my husband and I, particularly on the subject of one, strengthening faith, two, parenting for helpful first timers, and that's it. Okay, so strengthening faith.

Interesting. I like this. I think, man, there's a couple good books that come to mind. I'm a big fan of John Mark Comer. C.S. Lewis and Timothy Keller I think I would say I would recommend first The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis

is a phenomenal book. I think it's a worst title of any book I've ever heard, but it's fine. I would maybe start there. Ruthless elimination of hurry by John Mark Comer, I think, change my perception of God in a positive way. And then also in our newsletter,

we share book recommendations often that you can check out, not just a short list, but the full extensive. So you can sign up for that. We'll include a link to that. And then for parenting, let's see, for hopeful soon first timers, I think Emily Oster

wrote a couple of good books that really spoke my language as far as data and analytics and essentially my takeaway from her books is always there's a bunch of different ways to do parenting and most of them are good. So like, are you crying? I'm fine. Oh my gosh. Is that how hard you were coughing?

Yeah. Good Evans. So she has she has one called Cribsheet and then a couple of others. But yeah, Emily Oster, I think, is my favorite parent author because she kind of just says, here are the stats. Breastfeeding is nice, but it's not like the end of the world if you don't end up breastfeeding. And it kind of just lays the scene in a way that help give me ease.

But your favorite books on strengthening faith and parenting? Any? You know what I'm going to check out the newsletter? Great. Brittany, my husband and I have really been feeling like roommates ever since having our second child. I get that. I'm constantly trying to make an effort to get out of the roommate phase, but it's not being met equally. it's becoming really hard to keep pursuing him with nothing in return we've been in counseling but

I haven't seen a change yet and it's really discouraging we've had multiple talks about how we've got to improve our relationship but never have had tangible things we do to change it and so we're stuck in this constant circle what should I do to get the result I want of a happy marriage again your thoughts I think you have to change your expectations to start Marriage changes every year, every month, every phase you go through. So you said you had your second kid. Your marriage will never be like it was when you had one kid. And it will never be like it was when you had no kids.

It's different. It changes and it evolves. There's kind of a grief process associated with that. Yeah, for sure. And it's not that it won't be happy again, but you need to change your expectations that it's going to look like it used to. if you stay stuck in a world where you want it to look like it used to, that means you would be going back to not having children, right?

And so I think what you just need to work on, both of you, is how do you want your marriage to look with two children that looks different than it was before children? But how can you find a new happy and a new excitement with the life that you have now and I think when you adjust your expectations things change for the better that's good but like if if I was sitting here saying like why isn't Andrew pursuing me every day and buying me flowers and doing all this stuff like he did before we had three kids that's not fair to him like our

life looks so different now and the amount of time we have the amount of stressors we have on a daily basis are completely different. Yeah. But I do know every Thursday, we're going to have a fun night out for two hours, and I get to be with my husband again. And when you show up for a date night every Thursday, that means a lot. That's the same as when you brought flowers three times a week or whatever it was before three kids.

Yeah. That was good. I'd say, I'd say go deep, baby. Dig in. Lean in, as I say. This is, I mean, the wonderfully frustrating thing about marriage is that you're on the outer limits of your comfort zone in so many different areas. That's why I find conversations with Sean more difficult than the casual conversations with a friend because you're like, I've never thought about this. And I, how can I respect you?

And there's all these dynamics at play. It's the relationship that you can feel the most loving, but also feel the most hurting. So sorry, you're in a phase of hurt. I would acknowledge that things do come in phases. So keep pressing in and keep leaning in. I'm a big fan of unexpected playfulness and new context. And I think those go hand in hand for us. We talk about like when we do our goals,

getting in a different space, like physical space changes how you think. So like maybe you throw, maybe throw a surprise at the hubby and say like, yo, I got a babysitter and we're going to like, whatever. We're going to go take a night away to this surprise place. Or like get them in a different location that then maybe we'll

soften these type of conversations that unlock some y'all of just like having an existential crisis and work and I don't know what to do type of conversation. So I think try to do something unexpected and see how that goes. And then also I started jiu-jitsu last year and one major thing I learned that I think parallels to marriage is like how you approach things that are given to you. like a jujitsu if someone's coming at you you really it's like an art to not try to meet it with contact like like I used to in football it's not like this

I got to overwhelm them and like overpower it it's more of a okay this is what's been given to me how can I make the best of it so it's as much of the receptors responsibility it is the the engagers does that make sense I like

this. We have a ton of comments we can get through in the chat. So thank you all. We have Aubrey and Stephanie and Amy. Mandy is here. What up Mandy? Zito lover. The live stream worked. Hold on. Round of applause for Lexi, Caroline. Everybody, we made it. We did it. We tried out a whole new series, a whole new software for the live stream. And it paid off. So hopefully we'll do more of these. I like this a lot. This is fun. Did you like the live stream besides the cough? I did. How do we feel about giving advice?

I think we'll be back for a part two. Oh, you want to? We do have many submissions. We're not doing anymore. No, I know. Yeah. I'm just saying we have a lot of submissions. We'll do a part two.

And I loved it, though. I would love to keep doing this. I like your advice. I'm glad to have you as a teammate. I like your advice too, babe. Thank you all for sharing your honestly, honestly thank you these comments i'm reading on youtube are so uh like intentional and like people are actually engaging in these questions in a way that they want to help people that's freaking

we live in the best corner of the internet the people that we're surrounded by on the internet are the dopest and i'll go to my grave thinking that with how gnarly nat and nasty social media can get we have it so good so thank you all for being a part of that i am just tickled with being able to continue to do this. And I'll close out because Sean's giving me the look. So if you made it this far, please subscribe, give the show a rating. Hit the thumbs up button on the YouTube live stream. I see one like on the YouTube livestream right now, and there's hundreds of viewers.

So if we can do that, that'd be great. And we'll see you next time. I think we have a fun interview coming for the next episode. But Sean and I'll be back next week. So have a great week. Talk to you later. And I'm going to try to figure out how to stop the live stream.