Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 271 | how to build family values

Episode Date: July 30, 2025

Today we tackled a highly requested episode all about our family values, forming our family mission statement and why this is so important to do as a family unit. The topic of family values is so important to us so it was fun to dive into this one. Working toward a common goal (or mission statement) as a family is a great way to foster unity and add purpose to each moment. We hope this episode inspires you to sit down and reflect on what’s most important to your own family! Love you guys! Shawn and Andrew Andrew’s book recs: Family Wealth- Keeping it in the Family ▶ https://amzn.to/4ldTxhn Entrusted- Building a Legacy that Lasts ▶ https://amzn.to/4ldTxhn The Cycle of the Gift- Family Wealth and Wisdom ▶ https://amzn.to/4ldTxhn Habits of the Household ▶ https://amzn.to/4ldTxhn Get 15% off Branch Basics with the code EAST FAM at https://branchbasics.com/EASTFAM #branchbasicspod Upgrade your summer. Go to https://cozyearth.com/EASTFAM for up to 40% off Go to https://kachava.com and use code EASTFAM for 15% off your next order Get 15% off your order of Chomps meat sticks at Chomps.com with code SHAWN https://www.chomps.com/SHAWN Visit https://homechef.com/EASTFAM for 50% off your first box and free dessert for life! Beam Kids is now available online at https://www.shopbeam.com/COUPLETHINGS Take advantage of our exclusive discount of up to 40% off using code COUPLETHINGS Subscribe to our newsletter ▶ https://www.familymade.com/newsletter Follow our podcast Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/shawnandandrewpods/ Follow My Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/ShawnJohnson Follow My Tik Tok ▶ https://www.tiktok.com/@shawnjohnson Shop My LTK Page ▶ https://www.shopltk.com/explore/shawnjohnson Like the Facebook page! ▶ https://www.facebook.com/ShawnJohnson Follow Andrew’s Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/AndrewDEast Andrew’s Tik Tok ▶ https://www.tiktok.com/@andrewdeast?lang=en #MissionStatement #FamilyValues #FamilyGoals #Family (00:00) andrew is excited about this topic (00:54) a 3-year project (01:50) setting the scene (03:24) looking into other people’s family cultures and histories (05:58) books that have helped shape my thoughts on family culture (06:12) four different outcomes in family heritage and the power of family culture (10:00) my dad passed—what did he leave me? (11:28) what makes family culture and what is a family culture starter pack (18:29) diving into values, mission, and culture (19:39) our journey with family values (24:25) our first set of values and setting our now family values (27:05) the impact family values has made on our kids and parenting (29:00) my intentional dad and the importance of intention (30:09) family values, missions, and culture create... (36:15) 21 questions about your family and the positive correlations of family culture (39:00) an exercise for your family (42:37) steps on how to begin navigating your family culture (45:09) family culture isn’t about forcing something (47:48) shawn’s experience with family culture and its impact (53:14) the impact family culture has on kids and connection points (55:49) values help build words when you can’t find them Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up, everybody? Welcome back to a couple things. With Sean and Andrew. Today is something Andrew is so excited about. Oh, you're into this too. You're into this too. Yeah. But I will say I have not been this excited about a podcast topic in quite a while.

Wow. This has kind of been a three-year project, I'll say. And I hope that breaching this topic is the first of several conversations we'll have around this theme. But today we're going to be talking about family culture, specifically how to set family values mission statement and have that be a part of the culture. So this is a lot. And let me tell you why I think this matters. What? Why you cheesy like that?

You're such your father's son, which is so beautiful. But let me just set the scene for people before you dive into this. I love how you say, you're so excited for this, the story. I am. I just found out about it. maybe two minutes ago. Yeah. But then you say,

it's been a three-year project. And something I love about Andrew is everything we do in life, behind Andrew's curtain, he's turning everything in our life into some sort of like, let's document this and put it into a process

and put it into a book that we can pass on. And that is 1,000% what your dad did every day of his life that annoyed the crap out of you. No, no, no. They did not annoy.

me. I thought it was a waste of time. How many times did he rewrite the Bible? My dad used to make spreadsheets of Bible verses and what their themes were. And then he would do daily texts to different clients. This is a compliment in a backhanded way. It's really adorable. Oh, thank you. So I didn't know you'd been working on this for three years. Let me set the scene on why I think this matters. Yes. First of all, as Sean just said, I come from a family where we did a lot of things intentionally, and by we, I mean, my dad and mom did a lot of things intentionally. And we benefited from that, even when we didn't realize those benefits, even when we didn't enjoy those benefits, we were getting swept up into his whole system and structure.

And now, at age 33, I really appreciate that in a way that I did not appreciate at age 10, 15, 20, 25, or even 30. My dad passed away two and a half years ago. And so that, I think, inherently comes with this thought of, wow, I have to pick up where he left off. And so then you start thinking about, well, why, what did I love about my dad and the family that he created? Why am I so close to my siblings when I see other people aren't close to their siblings? Why do we do family reunions when I don't see other people doing that? Why do we only take trips as a family and all these other spring break trips? It's like, you know, mobs of kids that don't have their parents. And then you start to think about, wow, we actually did have a really unique family

culture. And simultaneously, we're now three kids deep into our family. We are. And you start thinking about what kind of family culture do I want to share with these kids. And what does it mean to be an east? What makes an east in east? So that's all going on. Yes. In parallel. Yes. I also love listening to interviews, listening to biographies, digging into history. And there's quite a few billionaires and historical figures who say, I'm not going to give a dime to my kids. Okay. Right?

They think it's something that ruins their kids, right? Wow. Money. Strictly financially. Strictly financially. Which is a fascinating thought. Like, we're in this process. again we just had our third kid we're updating our will which if you haven't done that and you

have kids i would definitely have a will we're talking and learning about life insurance everyone needs life insurance and health insurance yeah see modern woodman if you want to learn more honestly um but it's like okay as a father i feel this need to take care of my family i would say a will and life insurance are different iterations of that um but digging into history you learn about families like the Bush family, right, and they're a generational family. The Kennedys are politically generational families. You have the Medici's. You have the Rockefellers. These are all generational families. Conversely, you have the Vanderbilt, who stewarded their finances poorly, and some would say absolutely trashed many different parts of their family heritage.

And so it's like, okay, that's fascinating. You have these generational blessings and cultures that are shared. How do they do that? And is it right to do? Should I give our kids any money? Should we give our kids any money, right? So then I started digging into different books on, is this right? And if so, how do I do it?

When you go to sleep listening to podcasts, is this why? Yeah. Yeah. So, and also I hope this script reflects my three years of pondering about this subject. And obviously it's not been a continuous three years, but like it's a fascinating thing, family culture. It's like, where did I come from and what I want to share with my kids? How do I want to pass a torch or the baton? Anyway, so a couple books for those listening.

You can listen to after this episode and how I've compacted all of this together. but there's a book called Entrusted. They kind of began my reading journeys. That's by David York and Andrew Howell. That talks about inheritance. James Hughes also has several different books. One's called Family Wealth. One's called Cycle of the Gift.

There's a couple others, but I would start there. Will we link these or write these down below? So people... You want that? You want me too? Sure. We can link those down below. But what I've learned is this.

There's four different outcomes, okay? When it comes to... or one generation passing things on to the next. The worst case scenario, I'll rank them worse to best, is you pass on money with no culture, family culture. That's the worst case scenario? Worst case scenario. Okay.

Here's why. In that scenario, money does spoil the kids. It's wasted. It's used poorly. And it can ruin a life, right? the second to worst scenario, I would say, is you get neither culture nor money, okay? Okay. Okay.

Passed on. The second best scenario is you get no money, but all family culture. And then I would say the best outcome is you get and pass on family culture and money. Okay. So I'm thinking about this family culture as if I'm passing on anything to my kids, I want it to be what makes an east and east and a deep understanding of that. Because I think that is a beautiful foundation for personal identity or personal confidence or knowing how to navigate the world and what vocations or occupations I can get into.

What are my skills? what are my potential interests how do I not feel overwhelmed by what I see other people doing how do I not be distracted by all these different things the world has to offer and where do I start in beginning my contribution to the world okay am I on one right now yeah all right so I wouldn't trade our summers for the world but they are a juggling act of pool days tea ball games working travel you name it it's probably all on our schedule. I agree.

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Check it out. Money is an amazing tool that can help enhance that. But if you're going to have either, if you're going to pass on either, make it be family culture, okay? So. Does family culture have to surround money? No.

But I'm saying, I think it is a common flaw. If money at all is involved, that's best case to worst case. I'm thinking my dad passed and what did he leave me? Sure, it was some stuff. okay but daggummit did he leave me with a deep understanding and deep tradition of what makes

an east and east what's the right and wrong thing to do in life what's a moral framework to go by what are routines to have as an individual what are routines to have as a family um where do i put my identity in and all these things okay i am i am i am grouping these together because I think it is a flaw to say, oh, I'm only thinking about money. I'm only spending my time on my job so I can make money. And what I want to reframe and what we've really tried to do with family made and all of our content is to say, hey, this is actually the most impactful, meaningful thing that you can do is invest in your family. It's way more ambiguous than investing in the stock market. Investing in a marriage is not as clear cut as saying,

I have $5, I'm going to put it in apple stock, you know. But the fruit that you get from that is unmatched. Am I making myself clear? So, again, I have this whole family culture starter pack. I think we have a family-made blog about that, where it goes through everything that has to do with what makes your family unique to you. and it's based off of me trying to dive into what makes an East unique to being an East. So that's everything from the family tree that you can get and find on Ancestry.com,

the family crest, the family slogan, all these things when I was younger didn't mean anything to me. Like a family crest, it's like, oh, that's just, or the family tree even. I'm like, what do I care about my great grandpa for? But then you realize, wow, interesting. If he didn't live his life the way he did, then my grandpa, who I did know, wouldn't have been the man he is. And what were the things that my grandpa did right and wrong?

And then how did that affect my dad? And then how did that affect me? And I realize that I am not some blessing, you know, unique character to the earth. I am a continuation of habits that have been going on generationally. I can go on about this, about epigenetics and how you could turn certain traits, like genetic traits on and off

from generation to generation, which is crazy, okay? I know I'm getting deep in the weeds here. I will continue on the next thing. What I realized is, as I was doing my CrossFit workout and riding on the assault bike, which is miserable, I realized that my grandpa used to ride on this old Schwinn bike,

and it's like, man, I really, I'm not a novel guy, you know? doing what I've seen people in my life do. All that to say, be intentional with it. It's also possible to be completely different than the generation above you. I don't know if I agree with that, actually. I would say you either rebel intentionally or unintentionally from certain things that you see done previously or you lean into them and either intentionally or unintentionally adopt what you

saw. But if you rebel, you are different. But it is directly correlated. It's not totally unhinged from that thing. It's still like, oh, I'm just trying to do the opposite of that thing. It's not a new thing. You know what I'm saying? I don't know. I guess maybe there's like the nothing new under the sun concept in that. But if you're actively rebelling, you're actively choosing to do something completely different. But it is in direct reference to that thing that you don't want to do. You know what I'm saying?

So, I would say, like, some people's, oh, my dad was an alcoholic, and so thus I don't drink. You see what I'm saying? Like, it is so tied to that thing that they don't want to be that it's, like, almost still there. You could also say, I drink

because I don't want to be sober. Like, you could argue that anything is... directly related to its opposite, whether it's... So I guess, yes, but... In a world of 100 million opportunities, I think the constellation of whatever you're going for against is probably going to be highly correlated with what the previous generation did.

So the Family Culture Startback has all of this stuff. It has family theme songs. What are our family prayers? What are the nicknames? Who are the counselors? Who are the... um like uh like lawyers and accountants and if i die i hope sean has this master document that she should say oh yeah it's all there i want to clarify you said you had just because this is

that confused me a little bit okay you said you have a starter pack for everyone that they can read that is not our starter pack that has our lawyers our counselors and all of our correct that's not clarified correct but it's based off of this our saying so you're saying a starter pack is something a family should create for their own family. I'm saying I have tried to create a master document and almost a worksheet that people can then fill out, hey, who are the lawyers and accountants in your life? So you have done that for our family. And then from that, from us doing it for our family, I have then said, oh, wait, I guess

I could just delete all of this information and share it with the people. You know what I'm saying? Yes, but there's nowhere out there where you can see our. personal information. Correct. Let's just clarify this. It has things like what are the jobs that

aunts, uncles, cousins, grandpaws have had in hopes that when our kids turn 22 or when they turn 18 and go to college and want to learn what to study, they can have

this to look back on and say, man, I might have a higher probability of enjoying this thing and having a knack towards this than if I just randomly

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So that's all of, that's a huge topic. Today, though, we're going to just dive into values, mission, and culture, okay? Okay. So let us know down below in the comments. If you want to learn more about the rest of the pie that makes up family culture, then we're happy to do that. But we'll start here because I think family values is probably the thing we've want the most time on in this world. so I really do think that us doing this has changed a trajectory of our family it is us trying to create an intentional family that has well-defined values a mission statement and a culture that lasts across generations again people say that man marriage is hard work or family's hard work I'm trying to dig into okay well what is that work that's required and how can we put it more out in the open so that it's not so hard. And so that people know what game they're playing as opposed to just X's and O's and dollars and, you know, signs like that.

So that's the background. How did I do there? Good? Great. So let me tell you about our journey with family values and why I think this is important. Sean and I have done many different versions

of counseling, of therapy, of workshops, of people like business planning. We've done like the whole EOS and traction mindset. We've done, um, we've done Donald Miller's projects and systems. And they're all kind of like, you'll hear business people talk about.

The most important thing is to have values. And you're like, okay. I don't know why. And I guess, I guess if I'm going to have them, I'll just Google a list of values and I'll pick off words that I like. It was after we did this three-day workshop that I fully understood what family values can reflect,

which are really the operating system and the DNA of a family. So by that I mean these are the things that when present, we feel very comfortable with and like we're in our sweet spot we're thriving and flourishing and when these traits aren't present something feels off something feels like it needs tweaked so the way we did that was over the course of three days and it will take a long time and you'll probably change them often but like Sean and I individually talked through scenarios where we felt most alive where we felt like we were flourishing the most and just wrote down what those scenarios were.

So like college football for me was one in the wait room. I don't know what an example of yours might be. This one come to mind. Hosting at our house. Hosting at our house. So then you write down a whole list of these things. I love these scenarios. And then you start digging into, okay,

what are words about those scenarios? that I enjoy. And so college football was like, okay, there's team. There's a team involved. It was high energy. It was all people who were eager to get better. You just start writing adjectives about,

oh, this is what I liked. About each individual thing, try to write like three to five adjectives. And then you'll start to see patterns of like, oh, I really like being a part of a team. or Sean really likes thoughtful, whatever, company or philosophical conversations or whatever it is. Over the course of all those different scenarios, you're able to see patterns of this is what I like, this, what I don't like. And then you can also talk about where was I most uncomfortable.

So for me, I would say NFL football was not my sweet spot. I felt really alienated and not comfortable there. So what was it about that? And it's like, okay, well, it was just about ambition. It was just about money. I was really alone. You know, and so then you kind of have a converse lens to look through. All right.

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turkey. When you bite into them, you can literally see the real spices. For busy parents, convenience is everything. No refrigeration, no melting, no mess. I just throw a few chomps in my backpack before we had to work or the park or go on a bike ride. And boom, it's an instant snack win. Plus, they taste amazing. Our youngest bear is actually hooked on the original beef. And honestly, I am too. It's delicious. If your kids are always hungry and you want something quick, clean, and satisfying chomps is it. Get 15% off plus free shipping on your next order of chomps meat sticks at chomps.com with code Sean. Again, that's code Sean for 15% off plus free shipping at chomps.com. Sean and I, um, three years ago made our first set of values.

I think the reason they didn't feel right was because it was kind of just like a blend of, oh, what makes Andrew, Andrew and Sean, Sean. And that goes deep into like your personal story and whatever really fascinating to dig into now when i hear business people talk about this and when we're setting our family values it's a little different in that there's some it's not your operating system but it's more of an aspiration of what you seek to reflect right and so in a family value there's probably like part ambition and aspiration and part the like the family leads personal values in there blended in a business culture the values are probably just aspirational like we strive to be communicative or whatever the thing is you know responsible

and you try to always make the value two or three words so Sean and I after the three day workshop came up with five family values that I think do a great job at reflect reflecting who we are as a couple unit and what we want our family to be. And that is almost like a thumbprint DNA stamp on what makes in East and East. And more than ever in this most recent time that we did values, it really felt like in my mind, when I see those words, I'm like, oh my gosh, yes, I see our family in a blend of those things. Do you know what they are?

Yes. Name them. We'll go back and forth. Playfulness. Yes. Generous stewardship. Togetherness. Togetherness.

Faithfulness. Curiosity. And curiosity. So those are the East Family Values. And we have them framed on our wall in the playroom. And when we're in there and I don't know what to talk to the kids about, we'll just kind of talk about some of the family values. That's where I've noticed the biggest impact in having this stuff have traction with three young kids who are now five, four, and one is like, man, sometimes you don't know what to do, so you'll pull out your phone and scroll through social media.

And I'm trying to fight against that as much as possible. So in those moments where I don't know what to do, I'm like, oh, what can we, talk about and maybe it's a Bible verse or maybe it's the fruits of the spirit or maybe it's family values but it's kind of fun to start teaching them about this and it makes moments where there needs to be discipline or correction applied to kids easier I think because now you have a rubric of like and now the kids are going to school And different families have different values. And that results in much different decisions being made.

And so when our kids come back and they say, well, why do they get to do this? Or why do they get to go on this trip? Or why do they get to eat ice cream? We now have this, like, vocabulary and system that they're used to, the kids, and saying, oh, well, that's not what East do. You know what I'm saying? so I feel like it has brought clarity that has helped shape day-to-day decisions it's like it is intangible and ambiguous on the surface but when you do it enough and think about it

enough it really does start to shape your day-to-day decisions so it's really fun to think about what kind of family do you want to be I enjoy that process I see in here a lot people talk about values for business or having a vision for business or investing in their business and they don't have that same investment or focus or strategy applied to their home marriage and family life. So if you have better thoughts on how to navigate around this, please share them. But this is how I've started to dig into this topic and be intentional as I saw my dad be intentional. Recently at a family event, I had multiple people people approach me and say your dad was the most intentional father I've ever seen or your dad was

a first intentional father I ever saw or your dad was a 12 out of 10 dad and it's like oh freak okay I got shoes to live up to this is going to be fun to try to like do what we did and so um yeah there's decade long rhythms that I've realized we did there's weekly rhythms that I've realized we did but without intention i do think family culture happens subconsciously and unintentionally and everyone is going somewhere in life some people just end up there on purpose and when you have a real vision for your family i think it's the same thing where it's like you're you're you will have a family culture what will that be so let's start shaping and carving that out mindfully so a family values mission and culture create a shared identity a compass for decisions and i would say

resilience in hard seasons as well and we realize if we don't define our values the world will do it for us and you don't want to be just some vanilla dumb down version of where you came from i think it's really exciting to say now we're different here's why It's like a sense of pride, I would say. How about you lead us in the family mission statement, Sean? A mission statement answers, why do we exist as a family? Yes. And the format to which you would do that would say,

our family exists to blank so that we can blank. Yeah. You would recommend keeping it short, repeatable, and inspiring. Yes. Yes. and examples you have are our family exists to love God and love others so that we can bring light into the world. Or we are a team called to be generous, courageous, and joyful together. Or bless God through connecting, learning, building, and exploring.

So the mission statement, I'm still trying to iron out exactly what ours is. Those are three different iterations of it. It does feel cheesy. I feel like having a mission statement feels cheesy until you need it. And it's like, shoot, what are we doing? Again, it's another thing to point to, I think, in reference, when there's a fork in the road and you're either pursuing this business decision or that one or you're looking at moving to this neighborhood or that one or going on that trip or this, it's like,

The mission statement can be a useful tagline that just like a lyric to a song subconsciously presents itself in your brain that helps you sort through those decisions. So Sean and I have come up with different iterations of that. How do you feel about, do you have a favorite of those or do you love any of them? First time seeing them. they're all very sweet we've talked of yeah great okay so then these are different components the values of mission statement there's a vision statement there's also um what's a vision statement how's a vision statement different than a mission

statement so where did yeah i would say a mission statement is where you are and a vision statement is more where we want to if we accomplish that over a long enough period we'll end up here and how are those different than values values is like the how you get there okay that's that's your style mission statement is the trajectory and I would say the vision statement is where that'll end up you ever think about what a day in the life as someone like The Rock is actually like. The man probably wakes up in Beijing, works out in Dubai,

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Go to Kachava.com and use code Eastpham for 15% off your next order. That's Kachava, K-A-V-A-V-A-com, code Eastpham for 15% off. That's K-A-C-H-A-V-A-D-com code EastF for 15% off. good question because I've noodled through that too and it can be again ambiguous but I think working through all this stuff regardless

of whether you love the mission statement or the vision statement or the values or whatever is still a good practice because then it gets you thinking about it and it makes it more top of mind and then you're like all of a sudden maybe having good conversations, good connection time,

maybe something good results of that. So let's talk about creating intentional family culture. So the culture is just like I said what makes an east and east it has a lot of different parts to it some of which we've discussed today

your family does already have a culture is it happening by design or default and some would say that the family culture is the vibe the values the voice of your home again there's a lot to divide the values and the voice of your home

so I'm considering all of the vision mission values as part of the culture along with the whole history of it. But the culture is shaped by the stories you tell, the rhythms and rituals that you keep, the way you handle conflict and celebrate and rest. This matters because there was a study done that if you know the 21 questions, answer to 21 questions. We'll link this article. down below too that are all about your family history and stories what what is the um

narrative around your family if you know the answer to 21 questions there's all these positive correlations in your life from earnings to education to uh community and friendships to longevity it's really fascinating to look at how family culture correlates to the success of a life this even bleeds into like the fatherhood statistics and you know when there's a present father in the home how different that shapes a kid but the questions are not crazy difficult and they're kind of odd it's like do you know the story of when you were born and it's like okay why does that matter if you dig into that and zoom in if you double click on being able to answer that question I think it reflects time at the dinner table together.

I think it reflects your parents intentionally having conversations, whether at the dinner table or in the car or whatever. I think it really is a signal. It's almost like the tip of a spear of, okay, your family knew what they were about. They invested in you. They had good conversations. They shared it with you,

and you remembered these certain things. I find it really, really fascinating. So the stories, I think they get shared and get remembered in different rhythms, which we're not going to talk about today. Because I think Sean's had somewhat of enough of this, but we can talk about the rhythms and routines that we have as a family, largely shaped off of a book called Habits of the Household by Justin Whitmore Early. We've had them on the show.

It's phenomenal. But some of those would include a week. weekly family dinner birthday affirmations and what are your birthday traditions we've talked about fun family traditions people have like holiday traditions um what was the one where the uh like the newest spouse had to carry a sock or something yeah some are hilarious and it's like oh my gosh yeah i love it that's what makes you is one thing to be quirky and odd and have your idiosyncrasies right it's another thing to have that in your family and be able to joke about it and be able to bond over it

as opposed to feeling isolated by those quirks and unique aspects. It actually brings you together. So an exercise for you listening is to ask yourself, what do you celebrate as a family? If you're married and have kids, answer that for your family in that situation. And if you're younger or not married and don't have kids, answer that for how you grew up and what your family celebrated. And you don't mean holidays. You mean? Do we celebrate?

Correct. I think it includes holidays. It includes birthdays. It includes sports wins or it includes academic wins. It includes being on the debate team or being in the band or, hey, I'm celebrating the fact that you didn't drink alcohol or I'm celebrating the fact. Like, you know, there's a ton of, where is there verbal affirmation happening in your home, right? Or when do you have moments that feel like there's some pride associated with it? Like a good job.

Next question would be to ask yourself, what do we correct and not welcome in our home? so one thing in marrying Sean this is a funny small example but I think it's applicable our pantry looks totally different than the pantry I had growing up we had cereal that's pretty much all we had was cereal and milk and I would have two massive bowls of cereal every day for breakfast and one for lunch and it's like man we're really really don't have that same vibe in our pantry it's nuts and it's gluten-free this or it's organic that and it's like wow that's we correct nutrition because of our past and it really has helped me and we've noticed a difference in you know when we have good nutrition we treat

our kids better we treat each other better and we're more productive so it's like okay we correct the pantry or we correct disrespect like not looking people in the eye and asking their name or when we're out on a bike rides with our little four-year-old not waving to our neighbors when we go buy them we correct those things right which is a reflection of what makes us unique you know again it's not better worse it's just like this is the operating system another question is what are our non-negotiables so what What hills will you die on, essentially? The pantry is not one of those.

No. You know, we talk about snacks and celebrating and desserts all the time. So it's not like, that's not something we cling to or hold too tightly to. But I would say the respect thing or anything that tears our family apart, we've had, I would say, Sean and I's biggest conflicts have come when there's, like a hey i got invited to this bachelor party and it's like i don't think you should go situation because i don't think it's good for you and thus not for our family things like this uh so and that has been very rare i'm someone that just says no to all of your travels

correct yeah correct so you already have a culture the question is is it the one that you want. Here are some steps for how you can begin. One, check out those books that will link down below. I'll also link the Family Culture Starter Pack, which is kind of like a blank worksheet that you can start working through. But Sean and I, you know, we do our annual goals. We'll black out a whole day.

You could schedule some time, I would say, even like a half hour to say what, let's talk about the vision that we have for our family, right? And then you can start having these conversations about what is our sweet spot and what are the adjectives that make it our sweet spot and start brainstorming these values. I would say with the mission statement and vision statement, again, we're still trying to work through that ourselves, but just start by writing one and then saying that feels right or it doesn't. And then when you have the first draft done, I think editing is always easier than starting. So when you have one, you're in a good spot. You're in a way better spot than when you didn't. I would say maybe even choose one tradition

that you could begin this week or resurrect from when you were being raised. So Drew's about to lose a tooth. We would always have these handwritten cards from the tooth period that my mom would have. We didn't do that for our first tooth. maybe we resurrect that right um and bring it back and then i would say just come up with some way to start reviewing this annually so maybe it's on your date nights maybe it's anytime you're

in an airplane maybe it's a new year's but start building this out because it for me has been such a fun project to one reflect back on my dad and my upbringing start writing down these stories we have a whole list of the best the whole best stories episode that we did a couple years ago was kind of a result of this reflection that happens. And then you start to think about the things that you're doing currently in a totally different light. Like, man, this matters a lot or this doesn't matter at all. And then you start to change your life around that.

And I think change is exciting. So I would say start messy. You do not have to be perfect. You just have to be intentional. And starting is a great way to do that. So write it down, type it out, whatever you need to do. but remember that it's not about like family culture is not about forcing something or forcing your kids to be a certain way or your wife to be a certain way it's like it's more

about a teamwork it's more about alignment it's more about identity it's more about connection and legacy and so like these things will probably change as the kids who are part of that unit, grow and discover and add new things to the family. And that's okay. The best part about tradition, I was just reading an article is like, it's not when it's the exact same tradition from a generation to generation. It's when the next generation takes the previous tradition and makes it their own, which I think is really powerful.

So we, for example, we had a family reunion over Labor Day that growing up we would always do is three days with cousins. There would be campfires, tractor rides, pumpkin carving, the whole thing. That has morphed now into a family summer camp that we talk about. And it's like pretty much the same thing. In a different time period, looks a little different with activities that we do and the duration of it. but it's it's like an evolution of that tradition that's really beautiful and now we're we as a generation are all bought into that thing in the same way our parents were bought into the labor day so it will change and it will grow no family is too late or too busy to start this so this

can't happen it doesn't have to be a half hour even it could be it could be three days it could be a half hour or could be five minutes but start somewhere I am considering making the family culture starter pack a workbook like a coffee table book

I like that I do I like that a lot you like that I like this whole thing babe okay and I just want to end too with a proverb

2918 says where there's no vision the people perish so that's it Fascinating. If I think about the inverse of that, it has been life-giving to do this, as I was mentioning. So, all right. That's all we got.

Thanks for listening. That's 45 minutes, pretty much, of me ranting and rambling. Do you have anything you'd like to add? Have you noticed, here's what I want, here's how I want to end. When we first started dating and you were exposed to my family, it was a lot. tell us about the experience and how you've changed your perception of it.

Let me just start by saying I know there wasn't much of me talking but you can tell on the computer how much effort you put into this and how many personal thoughts it's a beautiful

outline of your brain. Was it clearly communicated? Not on computer. Not on the computer. computer that's what I mean like there was so much in your brain where I was like I don't know where to jump in here but I thought you did a beautiful job you've done an incredible job leading our family and defining a direction towards alignment like you said when I first met your family there was something very very different about your family and I grew up in a beautiful family and I think my family is absolutely incredible the intentionality between my parents and myself was hands down one of the the greatest experiences of my life, but they are ones who kind of rebelled in a beautiful way against their upbringing to create a new life. It was necessary for them.

It was necessary. And they created something completely new. And then marrying into your family and seeing your family when we were dating, you could tell it was a legacy-driven family where a lot of things were handed down generation after generation and the culture within your family was very similar to what my parents had created with me, but in such a generational way. And I knew I wanted to be a part of it. And I've learned over 13 years

how it is your dad and your grandpa and your papa and your extended family has created that and salvaged it. It hasn't been easy. And I think there's a lot of pushback from a lot of people saying, oh, why do we need to do another trip? And why do we need to vacation all ways together? And, you know, there's always like struggles here and there

and tension but when you do it consistently you see something beautiful be created and I think about our kids going into school and they're nervous to meet new friends and they're nervous to not know anybody but at the end of the day they know they have their cousins and their cousins are their right or die and I know when Drew gets a cell phone someday it's going to be her cousins that she's texting probably more than anybody and her siblings and it's like that that culture that has been created will massively influence generations to come which is crazy

but it's really really cool and I do think creating the values and creating the mission statement and stuff has been great my favorite thing about the values was unlike the seven or eight times before the seven eight or eight times before you created your list I created mine we added a plus sign and that was our family

the intensive where we did the three days they said no I want you to write down the things that truly make you feel the happiest and most fulfilled and it was very eye-opening

to see how we could create shared values that gave life to our family unit and not just you and not just me but like all of us

and I would say looking back at our values now similar to your family it's the easiest way to weed out the things that we shouldn't do even looking at after school athletics and whatever travel it's like well one of our values is togetherness

if we can't be together we probably shouldn't do it or we should think hard about it Ander and I are obsessed with sleep, if you didn't know, with three kids in a crazy schedule, getting a good night of sleep is a non-negotiable for us. And do you want to know what kills a good night of sleep? Feeling hot and sleeping on uncomfortable sheets, something that we never worry about because we started incorporating cozier sheets a few years ago, and they are amazing. Our bed used to get so hot over the summer, and I would wake up sweating.

But when we use our cozier sheets, they stay cool all night long, and I sleep like a baby. What? Let me rephrase it because not all baby sleepable. I sleep really, really, really well. Did you know it's actually scientific, babe? I looked it up. Sleeping in a cooler environment actually enhances your sleep quality. It facilitates the body's natural drop and core temperature and boosts serotonin levels. Wow. There's no better feeling than slipping into cool and cozy sheets at night and drifting off to sleep. And if you want to really double down on coziness, cozy earth has incredibly soft pajamas too. They also have a 100-night sleep trial so you can try them during the hottest nights of the year. And if you're not in love, return them hassle-free. But trust me, you will

not want to do that. And they have a 10-year warranty on all their betting products. Upgrade your summer. Go to cozy earth.com and use code Eastpham for up to 40% off best selling temperature regulating sheets, apparel, and more. Trust me, you'll feel the difference the very first night. You should have contributed more to my whole rant. But it's interesting, like, there just are tangible... I was trying to support you. I appreciate that.

There just are tangible changes that happen with this. And when you think about every time our kids go to see their cousins, they come back totally different. They learn new things. They're more confident. They run around crazier. And it's almost like this experimental playground that they, you know, kind of open up and try new things.

think drew she's a little more timid but it's like when she's with her cousins she'll gain this amazing confidence and then she'll carry forward with her so developmentally i think it's really good and then i also think about you saying they're going to school they're going to meet new people and strangers and i was this is part benefit of having a lot of siblings and part knowing about my family and no matter how big it is it's like when we're in dc last year for fourth of july some random person came up to me and was like hey i went to weeden with your brother i didn't know him that well but i know he went there and whatever whatever and it's like when you meet a new person one there's going to be connection points that you're able to talk about that are not related to you

but your family that then makes these connections easier and it's like i think compounded over a long period of time that makes a big difference so Yeah, the, it's just crazy to think about how you apply these things and what change it actually makes. I would like to do this episode again in, probably 33, 40 years, see if it worked. I like that challenge. And then see what the kids thought of it too. Yeah, because maybe it's obnoxious. Our parents were crazy.

Yeah. I don't know. I mean, it will be fascinating. But I can rest my head well at night knowing, freak. We're trying hard, at least. Yeah, and that is how I care for my kids, or that's how I measure it, you know. Last thought, and then I'll close out. Also, real quick, that bachelor party?

I didn't say no to every bachelor party. I wasn't even talking about. You, like, threw me under the bus there. It was a bachelor party that was going to all be bad influences. I literally don't know what bachelor party you're talking about. about. I was using it as just a generic term for a sample. Anyway, when we get in an argument, Sean and I, I have noticed she'll, in some form or another, say, how are you feeling? Or what's wrong? Or give me feedback that, or seek feedback that I don't know, maybe I'm alone in this

and maybe I'm not emotionally intelligent, but like, I don't know the words to say to answer that question and these values start to build words that I can now reference and say I'm not feeling playful or I'm frustrated and feeling empty because I haven't been curious about something in a long time and that honestly can save us four hours of arguing by just knowing those things or she could say Andrew you've been on your phone for too long and you're not playing with the kids and that's not right and I we now have this explicit third thing that we can point to instead of instead of it being her and I two things and her saying you're not being playful or you're on your phone too much it is now like less personal and less offensive because like no we we agreed that these are

the values and you're not doing it and I can say less inflamed I can say yeah you're actually right I'm not being playful so that's that super curious your thoughts on this one this is either going to be something that people love or have no interest in well they're going to be like what happened to sean i looked over a couple times you you were just looking at me like you're about to close your eyes and take a nap no i was or like a wow what's happening i i was trying to support you thank you i love you appreciate you putting up with all my nonsense. I appreciate you helping me navigate this, whether it's worth or not. But I love you. I love you, baby. And we're grateful for you listening. That's all

we got. Until next time, I'm Andrew. I'm Sean. Miss Pam. Out.