Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 297 | I will let you down

Episode Date: February 5, 2026

This is the final episode in this series. After “It’s Not My Job to Make You Happy” and “We Don’t Need Each Other,” this conversation lands on a hard but honest truth: we will let each other down. This episode isn’t about blame or perfection—it’s about vulnerability, marriage, and the realities we don’t always say out loud. These conversations are shared with the hope that honesty might help someone else feel less alone. Please be mindful in the comments. If something resonates with you, we’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Love you guys! Shawn & Andrew Cove ▶ Check out Cove at https://www.covesmart.com/EASTFAM or use code EASTFAM at checkout for up to 70% off your first order. IQJoe ▶ To get your twenty percent off, text EASTFAM to sixty-four thousand. Text EASTFAM to 64000. That’s EASTFAM to 64000. Message and data rates may apply. See terms for details. Wildgrain ▶ Right now, Wildgrain is offering our listeners thirty dollars off your first box — plus free croissants for life — when you go to https://www.Wildgrain.com/EASTFAM to start your subscription today. Rocket Money ▶ Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at https://www.RocketMoney.com/EASTFAM Momentous ▶ Get up to 35% off your first order using our QR code on screen or use my code SHAWNANDREW to try Momentous Creatine Chews for yourself. Follow our podcast Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/shawnandandrewpods/ Follow My Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/ShawnJohnson Follow My Tik Tok ▶ https://www.tiktok.com/@shawnjohnson Shop My LTK Page ▶ https://www.shopltk.com/explore/shawnjohnson Like the Facebook page! ▶ https://www.facebook.com/ShawnJohnson Follow Andrew’s Instagram ▶ https://www.instagram.com/AndrewDEast Andrew’s Tik Tok ▶ https://www.tiktok.com/@andrewdeast?lang=en Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up, everybody? Welcome back to Couple Things with Sean and Andrew. Today is episode three of a three-part series. We had no intention of filming. It's called I Will Let You Down. This is one of the three sayings that I've said to Sean previously that she really doesn't like and I feel like I'm not saying them in the way I want them to. It is so funny how this came about. We ended up doing episode one a long time ago and reposted it for you guys, which was saying one. and that is, I am not here to make you happy. Fast forward to episode two, which is another saying that we unpacked and talked about, which you guys had so much great feedback for, which was, babe. We don't need each other.

Yeah. And that has led us to episode three, which is, I will let you down. And we have a lot to talk about here. I love our philosophical debates, but first, before we get into it, let's give them a little recap of what has been going on in life. It's been a lot. Actually, it's been a nice amount of things. The kids have settled back down into school, which is fantastic.

Yes. We've settled into our home. We have. We don't have much travel on the calendar at all, which I'm pumped about. But you know what we do have a lot of, which has been a true dream come true, is hosting. We've been hosting a lot. We, I think I tried to calculate it. We have hosted about 70 people since January 1st.

That is not that long ago. It's not a long ago. We host a lot of people. That was a huge, huge. thing for us in building this home is we hosted a lot and we wanted the capacity to host more. We built the dream kitchen, the dream space for hosting,

and we could not have done that without our phenomenal partners. Our designer, our build team, Tisdil with all of the appliances. We actually got to go to their showroom and they helped truly listen to our story and what it is we are creating and give us the best input

to put in our kitchen and in our home appliances that not just serve us but serve everybody who comes into our home. We've been putting those appliances to work too. I mean, we were boiling maple syrup down on them. Who knew we were going to make maple syrup, right? We've been making sourdough. The oven's gotten so many compliments

about the sourdough baking because apparently the steadiness of temperature and how quick it heats up. I know. It's great. Jet and I actually stood in front of the oven and watched it heat the other day. Don't know why.

He was impatient, but it took seven minutes. What? For it to heat to 400 degrees. Our old one used to dig like 35. 40. I know. You know what I love the most, though, is the ice. The ice in the freezer is so nice. It's so beautiful.

It doesn't stick together. I don't know how they do that. You know what I love, babe? The cheat sheet in the fridge. Yeah, the cheat sheet's nice. There is a cheat sheet in the fridge that tells you exactly which drawer to put what in. And it tells you how long it'll stay good and it literally stays good. It's incredible.

So thank you, Tisdil, Wolf, Cove, Sub Zero. Yes. It's been phenomenal. Not only working with you all and really feeling like you are trying to help us build a kitchen that meets our needs, but it's been so wonderful using the actual appliances themselves. So that's been a highlight for sure. Also, Bear is almost riding a bike. I know.

He's so close. On our goal sheet, two weeks ago. Bear really didn't show a lot of interest in bikes like Jet did. but we said we would love to help teach him how to ride a bike this year at the age of two which is crazy for our kids and out of nowhere he picks up a bike and just starts going

it's like he literally had zero interest with it I was trying to get him on the bike for the last six months no interest and now it's bloody murder if anybody gets near his bike it's like don't touch my bike he just walks around with it it's one of those pedalless ones yeah the strider ones which is great so that's fun

And the syrup. The syrup is a huge thing. Serap's been a big thing. Andrew, out of nowhere, heard about tapping maple trees. We have probably 100 maple trees on our property. And you just like went straight YouTube figured out mode. And we put together our first batch last night. We have a lot to learn for sure.

But it's tasty. It is delicious. It's tasty. I think we're on to something. We are one of the farmers right now, which is kind of fun. We're like trying to get into the pace of life. and the activities. When are we going to get the chickens?

And learning. Yeah, I was actually thinking that this morning. I think we get them in the next month. We had an egg shortage and we didn't have any eggs. I know. And I need something to do in the morning. I need to go visit my chickens. This has been the delightful side effect of us moving is I feel like there's all

of these projects that need tending to. We're busy people. Yeah, we always need something to do. So we're either going to be like working. Yeah, working or doing something like, So why don't we go outside with our kids and we're learning alongside them because I've never done this stuff. So it's like, hey, we got to do this. I don't know how to.

We got to fix the engine. All right. I guess we got to fix the engine. And also it has been so special. I would say the first week or two at our home, you have so many, like, confusing feelings because it's such a different lifestyle change for us of like, did we do the right thing? Is this the right thing for the kids? We don't have like close neighbors anymore. You know, whatever.

but to see them, they have blossomed. They really have. It's cool. They spend every waking second outside. They feel more independent because, like, we trust them to go outside and just kind of, like, be on the land. It has been so beautiful. Yeah, it has been. And there is a lot to do, though.

And I'll guarantee you this. In all the things that there are to do, I will let you down. Oh, my gosh. Let me just start off. Let me just start with the opening argument that I think it's important to not use this statement as me having a cop out, me bowing out, me not striving to do better, but more of a perspective and expectation that I should have to optimize and maximize grace for you. They're like, hey, you know what? Sean's not perfect. You know?

As perfect as like, okay, we can get there. Let's go. Just live marriage conversations that usually end in, not usually, just last week. End in tears somehow, or start in tears. It's like a live counseling session. Our previous podcast we did was titled, We Don't Need Each Other. It did not go the way I planned.

to go but i think it ended up being a really good conversation and i also had an additional thought that i'd like to include here yes my thought is this i absolutely do need you for the meaning and joy and the everyday beauty of life no doubt and i need you because you see the blind spots that i am unaware of that maybe are self-destructive tendencies I have, maybe they're little hygiene shortcomings or organization things, or as a team in business, I have blind spots that you make up for. And so I do need you to become the man that God made me to be, which I think is an important refining tool

that a lot of people don't think about. They think that I can't, the way that I can become who I want to be is by doing the things that I want to do. And I think that ends up in a totally different place than having someone walk by your side, someone that I really enjoyed you sharing your little, your orthodontist meeting today. And it's like there's a million little moments that that is what life is about. And without that, it's like, what are we doing? It's not just about the lower part of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

It's not just about, are you able to eat? Are you able to stay safe? It is like, it's way more than that. And I am so glad to have you here for that. You come to this realization after you went and had five bro meetings yesterday and asked them their opinions of this? No. It was interesting because there would be some people,

that I talked to because I did. I was so struck by, or so struck by how our conversation went poorly. That I was like, okay, how can I communicate this better? I brought another mentor of mine, almost the tears, because he was like, I absolutely need my wife, which I think was revealing. There was another guy about my age.

I was like, I wouldn't say I need her, which is just an interesting, I think it's coming from two different lenses. And I think- You're saying I'm wise. I'm saying that we have different perspectives on this and I'm grateful for it. I think a lot of it comes down to the whole idea. I got thrown into a career where I had to be completely self-sufficient.

I had to look at the world and say, I don't need you because you could potentially be an enemy, out to get me. I started traveling the world when I was 12. I started having an income and being like a provider when I was 12. And trying to break that down those walls when it came to marriage and not allow myself to feel that sense of like, I don't need anybody. I've got this on my own, which I've had to do for so long, my life was a purposeful choice I made at the altar.

And kind of like I said, at the last podcast, I think, sure, you can boost up your self-confidence and image by saying, I don't need anyone, but it's not beneficial to a marriage. Certainly not always. I agree. Anyway, we are not always. So, no, so there is, here's, I'm thinking of the Venn diagram. I think there is big circle of healthy, unhealthy independence, big circle of unhealthy dependence. And then there's a little sliver of like, hey, this is a really healthy codependent relationship.

And I think today's conversation, which is another hot topic that was shared by Sean that she also doesn't like when I say the title of today's is I will let you down. Okay. So there's three statements. And I had alluded to this in the last podcast and I had alluded to it when we brought up. You haven't listened to essentially what is part one of this three episode series. We did not intentionally make this a series, but it became that. There are three sayings that come up, not frequently, but like come up consistently within the 13 years we've been together, which is it's not my job to make you happy. I will let you down and you don't need me. and those don't always come up like in contentious arguments or anything they they can come up very like in natural conversation too so if you haven't listened to the other two go listen to them they're very emotionally driven just get ready

the third one which is today's podcast is i will let you down and we are here to talk through our differing beliefs and sides on why we do or do not think this is is a beneficial thought to have within a marriage. My standpoint is that I will let you down and that does not mean our marriage is ending or that everything is a catastrophe. I think I am coming from the place of acknowledging that I am a flawed human with weaknesses.

And I think that's a better starting point than saying, This person brings me everything I need. They can provide and make me happy and give me it all. That's my standpoint. Just getting into it. Just getting into it. And just getting into it, I would say this.

These three statements are glass half empty positioning to me. Okay. It is looking at marriage from a not hopeful, optimistic. point of view, but it will go wrong. And I just need you to know that, like, at the end of the day, we don't need each other. No. I will make mistakes. I don't know.

It just, it doesn't, it doesn't speak, like, I'm going to try my hardest. It speaks, I need you to set your expectations low. And so, like, it's not my job to make you happy if you listen to the podcast. again, go back and listen to it. I didn't like it because to me, it comes across and I receive that in a way of I'm not even going to try. When I know it's not your job to make me happy,

but if I'm speaking from my side, it is my job to constantly consider and have your thought and mind. I agree. And then last week's podcast, which was, I'm getting... We don't need each other. we don't need each other.

It's like instead of saying we don't need each other, which is like, yeah, foundationally you could go there. I just don't think that's beneficial to a marriage to even think that. It's like a bad seed to plant. Rather than constantly thinking like, yeah, I don't need you.

It's like, I do need you. I choose to need you. I choose to be here and have this. And like that is my belief. With I will let you down. Again, I think that's glass half empty. I think it's, I will do my damnedest to not. instead of setting the bar at I know I will, it's I will do my damnedest to not.

Well, first of all, I got called an idiot for having this as a topic of conversation. Who said that? Well, it was like a joking. Wow, what a dummy. But I think it's important to... I did not say that. The person from who it's coming from or who's adopting this mindset is also important to keep in mind.

So in my mind, it's you expecting me to fail sometimes or being okay with me failing sometimes and me trying my hardest not to. You know what I'm saying? It's not you expecting me to try what you think my hardest is. You know what I'm saying? You can't say, oh, hey, he's not trying his hardest. and that's why he's letting me down. You know what I'm saying?

That's where it gets dangerous and I think that's where it's like you're a disappointment to me. You can so easily slip into that mindset of like, wow, what a bummer. You're being lazy and whatever. It's like, well, maybe I have some things going on or whatever. And you use the analogy of a cup.

You said it's a glass half full. I said it's glass half empty. A glass half empty, right. In my mind, all of the, of these three concepts of I'm not here to make you happy, we don't need each other, and I will let you down, are around this idea, it's not like, it's almost like a Christian stoicism. So stoicism is all about being untouchable, almost, unaffected by any, no matter what's going on in the outside, no matter the external circumstances, you are okay. And I think,

in my mind, how I understand the peace of Jesus. there is this idea of that stoicism being insulated from whatever happens from the outside because I have this internal unshakable peace. And so when I say, I'm not here to make you happy, it's like, find that unshakable piece. I will do my best to bring you deep, meaningful joy. That doesn't always translate to you feeling that. It doesn't always translate to short-term happiness. But no matter what, that glass is not rippling. It's not pouring over. It is unshaken.

And I think this is just like two different philosophical beliefs in life when it comes to you and I. Because like you would approach it with Christian stoicism. I would approach it with like biblical hope. All right. So home security is one of those things you don't really think about until you have a family and a house full of people that you love. And for us, it's less about being on edge and more about just. us wanting peace of mind, especially when we're traveling or getting home late.

Yes. Having Cove has honestly helped me feel way more at ease. I love being able to check in on the house at any time, whether it's making sure a package was delivered or just seeing what's going on at home when we're not there. It sounds small, but it really does reduce the background noise in my brain. We've had moments where Cove has alert us to something unexpected like movement when we weren't home. And just being able to open the app and see exactly what was happening made all the difference,

no guessing, no spiraling, just clarity. And one thing I really appreciate is. is how simple it is. We set everything up ourselves in about 30 minutes, no professional install needed, no hassle. Cove is designed to protect families for less than a dollar a day, which feels huge because home security shouldn't be complicated or crazy expensive. And one of my favorite features is that the Cove cameras stream live video and audio straight to the control panel and our phones so you can actually see and hear what's happening in real time. Even our kids can check in without needing a phone, which is pretty amazing. Yes. And if you're thinking about adding a home security system,

I'd say look for something that's simple, affordable, and doesn't add more stress to your life. Cove really checks all of those boxes for us. Protecting your home should feel empowering, not overwhelming. Make protecting your home a top priority. Check out Cove at covesmart.com slash EASFAM or use code EaseFam at checkout for up to 70% off your first order. And if you get a survey, please let them know you heard about Cove from this podcast. In the sense of like, I am not looking for just straight. unaffected contentment.

Inner peace. I am looking for this unshakable hope in us of no matter the phase, our standards, our bar, are always, I mean, in everyday life, if we're being Christians, we're trying to always be more and more like Jesus, right? Which is like a never-ending pursuit to do and be better. Okay. So rather than saying, I will let you down, period, stoicism, I like the approach of, I will do my damnedest to never, which is damnedest.

You're so fired up. You've been just slinging the extra. Explitives. It doesn't feel like an expletive. It feels like a... Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's just more of...

I feel like in sports, I set this goal of wanting to be an Olympic gold medalist. Yeah. Right? That's where I set my bar. And there were thousands, if not millions of times, where I failed. And I came up short over and over again.

year after year after year. But it didn't shake that bar of what I was aspiring to be. And I think in my mind, I just hear these statements as low bars for yourself and for our marriage.

Instead of aspirational high bars where, of course, there's going to be shortcomings. We're humans. We're humans. We're will fail. We will make mistakes. We will hurt each other's feelings. We will disappoint each other. We'll let each other down. We will inflict scars that we can never remove. We know that.

But setting the bar there of, I just know I am, feels different. Okay. Very fascinating. Thank you. one, I think the unshakable piece and the wondrous hope can go hand in hand. Thank goodness for our teamwork. I'm one perspective to the other. I know. And this is fascinating that we think so differently. This also is not me saying, lower the bar for me. This is not me saying, I'm not going to strive to please you or to do all the things.

things that help us both thrive. It's not me asking you to like settle. In my mind, using the sports analogy, if I show up, if my coach shows up, there's some, there's some faults in this analogy. But if my coach shows up and expects me not to fail, I'm not going to have a long career in that sport. So in my mind, it's, hey, this is a part of the process so that you can, you have this, you have this embracing of the falls and the failures so that you can continue to strive towards the success that we both have in mind. Does that make sense? Okay. It does. I'm giggling to myself because if you're a viewer or a listener. So sorry. This is just for us. makes me giggle so much and this has happened from day one is one of the most beautiful most attractive

things that you have going for you that i love and i fell in love with was this our philosophical debates and are like deep conversations but the thing that makes me giggle is like you can be so well-intended in your words but your words come across so harsh really they do how is that harsh I'm sorry. They come. It's not like, again, this is just how, I just know you so well. It's like not harsh, but it's so removed of empathy, sympathy, in a social understanding of like, this is how you could be feeling.

It's like you remove all of that and you're just like, I'm going to let you down. Do you think I got something wrong with me? No, I don't. I just think you think different, which is beautiful. That's what I love. But this is the majority of our arguments is me saying things in the wrong way. You saying things in such an unemotionally attached tone to where it gets received as such cold lack of feeling. lack of intention, lack of hope, that it takes all of this for us to be like, oh, you actually

care. I mean, not that I ever thought you didn't care. It's just, it's so funny. Because, like, even talking to the people that I talked to yesterday to be like, what the frick? Like, am I crazy? And to hear them be like, he doesn't actually believe that. And I'm like, but he does.

And they're like, but he doesn't. It's just interesting to me. But both are true. Like, it's true that I do need. you, but it's also true that I think it's important to not, like... That's why I'm like, that's it. It's such a rain of mind. I am not exaggerating when I say I rely on coffee to function. And IQ Joe actually delivers. It's got 200 milligrams of natural caffeine plus brain boosting ingredients like magnesium and

lion's main mushroom. So you get energy without feeling weird or crashing later. You live up of caffeine. Literally. And it actually tastes really, really good, like genuinely so good. They have a classic black coffee, plus also flavors like toasted hazelnut or vanilla spice. So it feels like a coffee shop moment without all the extra sugar or stuff you don't want. With over 20,000 five-star reviews and counting, more people than ever are starting their days off right with IQ bars, brain and body boosting bars, hydration mixes, and mushroom coffees. I'm pretty serious about my coffee. So when Ikegoe sent us some to try, I was honestly skeptical, but it's become one of our favorite parts of our morning routine. And it's fast. It tastes great.

And I don't feel that mid-morning crash either. And when grandma signs off on it, because she's picky about coffee, you know it's good. Coffee can add up if you're constantly hitting the drive-through. IQ Joe gives you that same satisfying coffee experience without the high price or extra hassle. And right now, IQ Bar is offering our special podcast listeners 20% off all IQ bar products, including the ultimate sampler pack, free shipping. To get your 20% off, text EastFam to 6400,000. That's EastFam to 64,000. Message and data rates may apply. See terms for detail. That's a pretty cool way to do it. It is.

So, here, okay. Sorry, let me give you an example. When you say, I'm going to let you down, the way I receive that is a cop out. You are excused. You are excused. using any fault that you might or will have or do in the entirety of our marriage. You're already setting yourself up to say, if you don't me, if I don't accept the fact that you will let me down and do stuff now, it's not even like I'm the one that's out of place. Does that make sense? And the way I mean it is please give me grace. You know what I'm saying? That's fine. But asking for pre-given grace to hypothetical situations that we haven't approached yet. It is important.

It is important. It should be a whole attitude of no matter what, I will have grace. Another situation came up yesterday with the I don't, you don't need me. Like what if, you know, in the sickness and in health, some accident happens, I can't, I'm immobile. What is your mindset? Is it like, oh, my life is ruined? Or say you have a tragic loss yourself, like separate from our marriage. Are you so over the skis with, oh my gosh, that was my one thing in life?

Our marriage was the one thing in life that I thought was like pristine and perfect. And it's just not. I want it to be. but like you can't And this was my argument yesterday which was you are you're beating a dead horse

in the idea of like questioning our vows you just said you're asking for unqualified grace and I'm like yeah I am it's not unqualified it's my way of saying this is crazy

we're crazy I would love to know what a therapist would think watching all this. In my mind, which is what I said in the previous episode, is like all of this was like, we did it. The day we crossed the altar. There have been so many shortcomings and so many failures that we have already had

towards each other. And we're still here. Yeah. Because of grace. For sure. And as I said last week, when you, get into these conversations or in the heat of an argument and you're like, I need to remind you, you don't need me.

It's kind of, it's my defense is kind of like, how dare you attack the day that I chose to have you and need you for the rest of my life. That was really insightful. And I think it's the same with this. It's like, I agreed to give you grace for every shortcoming and vice versa that we will ever have. the ugliest to the easiest for the rest of our life. So to remind me of like, I'm going to let you down, I just want to be like, you know what, babe?

I know. I agreed to know that and to like expect that. So consider a vow renewal. We've been talking about, we'll probably do a whole other episode on this, vow renewals, because we had some interesting discussions about that. consider it like a reminder of like, hey, just in case you forgot, your boy is still a chooch. So am I. I know.

But I don't have to stand here every day and say, I'm going to let you down. And it's probably going to be today. And if it's not today, it's tomorrow. It's like that feels so heavy. I actually understand that when you, yeah, I get that. I'm sorry. God forbid the next time we let each other down, maybe we won't. You never know.

but we probably will. I would rather you come to me or may come to you and be like, I can't believe I let you down. I hoped it would never happen, but I did. And I hope you can give me grace. Even though you know I will, it's a different approach to, I'm going to let you down.

I just need you to know. And that's like, whoa. To me, it helps me navigate like, like, uh, I don't know, maybe it's like a coping mechanism of I can't take disappointing you so much that like let me just

disperse it a little bit every day hey here's a little disappointment me being dumb front loaded a little bit so whenever I do I can't stand disappointing you it's the worst feeling in the entire world have I let you down we've both let each other down so why can't this be just like

a reminder that we're always going to let each other down because I don't know why my brain just receives it in the way of like you're giving yourself an excuse for any bad choice that you get tempted by and you're like the way that the way that it goes through my brain is if you tell me right now baby I just I know I'm going to let you down

and this is just a girl speaking right I picture yourself in a bar sometime or out with a guys and a girl comes up you know and it's like well she knows I'm going to let her down. It's like pre-excusing a weak point. Does that make sense? That's what it feels like when you say it in that way.

So I'm still talking about this beautiful halo that you've mentioned. Yes. So not that extreme of an example of me in a bar or whatever, but in that highly trust-oriented. relationship that we engaged in. I'll still let you down. Same. And to me it's not pessimistic. It's more like, it's more freeing. It's like, okay, hey, uh, I don't have to have my day ruin just because freaking Andrew did this.

It's like, because I want you to be like, like in some ways I do want your well-being to be uncoupled to my well-being. And if I, or, or my actions. Babe, word one. Did you know that? Yeah. I mean, that's interesting. That's an unfair expectation to say, you want me to be uncoupled by you. No, no, that's okay.

I don't want it to be directly. It is. And that's okay. This episode of Couple Things is brought to you by Wild Grain. One of our favorite little life upgrades lately has been Wild Green, especially during the colder months when you just want something warm and comforting without a ton of effort. I love this stuff, honestly.

It's so easy. tasty and wild grain is the first bake-from-frozen subscription box for sourdough breads, artisanal pastries, and fresh pastas, and everything bakes in 25 minutes or less, which honestly feels like magic on busy days. What really sold me is the ingredient quality. Wild grain uses simple ingredients you can actually pronounce and a slow fermentation process, which makes it easier on your belly and richer in nutrients and antioxidants. No preservatives, no shortcuts.

And the boxes are fully customizable. They've got their classic variety box plus gluten-free, vegan, and... even a new protein box so you can really tailor it to what your family actually eats. We have loved the warm sourdough breads and Drew would say the chocolate croissants. They are divine. They're easily our favorite. And having them in the freezer feels like having a little artisan bakery literally at home. It's been perfect for easy dinners, cozy weekend brunches, and just throwing something

together in the oven to warm up the house. The convenience is huge. So it shows up at your door, you bake it straight from frozen, and in under 25 minutes, You've got fresh bread or pasta without planning ahead. There's nothing like having an artisan bakery in your freezer to chase away the winter chill. Now is the best time to stay in and enjoy comforting homemade meals with Wildgrain. I highly recommend giving Wildgrain a try. And right now, Wildgrain is offering our listeners $30 off your first box plus free croissants for life.

They are amazing. Just go to wildgrain.com slash Eastfam to start your subscription today. That's $30 off your first box and free croissants for life. when you visit wildgrained.com forward slash e-spam or you can use promo code e-sfam at checkout. The whole thing is a massive responsibility. I acknowledge that to say, hey, it is a huge trust. No, it's like, Welcome to marriage.

Stop. I'm not, I'm trying to find the right adjectives. We have talked about in our counseling a healthy degree of, what is it called, healthy separation or health. healthy dependence where if we're both drowning, neither of us can send the life raft. You know what I'm saying? That's, I don't know how to talk about that.

I know. Without saying yours is not dependent on mine. Your well-being is not dependent on mine. And like it does feel like we're kind of talking in circles, but it's super interesting to think about, this applies in this situation but not in that one. I just think, and you've mentioned this, there is an expectation of marriage

that I'm going to find the perfect person. It's like all about, hey, this person's so compatible. They can meet all my needs. They are. And you feel that. Like in the early years of dating, you're like, wow, that is what a dream.

Now you're 10 years into this thing. It's like, bro, this is not. what it was in that first, like, honeymoon phase. So in my mind, it's like, it's a maturing of the relationship to say... We've also gone through so much life already in 10 years, and we'll go through so much more. And we have had, we have broken each other's hearts, and we have said things that hurt, and we have been surrounded by people that we have seen do the same thing.

And it's daunting to think, like, I don't know what... the future holds for us. So I can understand you wanting to like preface it and be like I'm probably going to do something stupid. So am I? You know. However,

it strips the hope for me of babe, I'm going to fight no matter the circumstance. I'm here to fight. And I think again, just the choice of words, it comes out cold

and it comes out pessimistic. and it comes out individual and not like one. Yeah. And I think when these three statements are used, that I believe to be all the same, very individualistic, very independent, very self-focused, I don't think any of those are beneficial.

In the exact words they're used to the marriage. Let me share a couple more notes, hopefully, that will paint a more full picture. So, like, teetering between, I'm hopeful for us to disappoint each other less, and this feeling of, well, they shouldn't disappoint. They should know better. Like, the belief of, I think. I think it teeters on like a silent pressure that can lead to resentment or undersharing. And that's not how I intended.

You know what I'm saying? It's like, oh, let me hide this. Let me keep that in the closet. You hear crazy stories of people like, yo, he was an addict for 20 years or whatever. And like you didn't know. It's like, well, I didn't want to disappoint you. Yeah. In my mind, it is a freeing thing, not something that is like a, hey, let me do my addiction.

It's more of a, this is where we're starting. now where do we want to go? And I feel like you don't want to turn your spouse into your savior or your regulator or your emotional home base and as I as I've gotten to know you better too

we've uncovered our own baggages that we had from you know growing up in our own homes and the unique psychological wiring that we each have that's like that's hurtful when you do that. I know that was super normal.

normal for you growing up that's hurtful for me we talked about blind spots there's days with parenting that you're just exhausted you're going to let each other down it's like I am hopeful I'm realistically hopeful you know what I'm saying so what does that mean I don't know it's it's just it's not me letting you down because I don't care it's because like I freaking I think being 10 years into this. We both have a very healthy understanding that like marriage is messy and it's hard.

And all the movies like to paint marriage is like if it's not sunshine and rainbows 100% of the time, then it's the wrong marriage. And that's not true. Marriage gets more and more beautiful with the pain. We are two flawed humans that

are still figuring everything thing out. And I think though I agree with you in the sense of like we should be able to openly air out our flaws to each other because hiding and keeping things in the dark and stuff is not good, I do think preserving a small part of the fairy tale is also beautiful. Does that make sense?

So rather than realistically keeping life just black and white all the time, I will let you down, you don't actually need me. There is a beauty that I think is worth preserving, which is I will always try. I do need you

because you're my wife, or I do need you because you're my husband. And I will always be considering you and like try to make you smile. I think there is a beauty to that that should be preserved. Interesting. Preserving the fairy tale. All right, I'll be honest.

Managing our finances used to feel way more overwhelming than it needed to be. And between subscriptions, random charges and trying to remember what was coming out when. It just felt like mental clutter I didn't have time for. Same. I am someone who wants to be really organized, but actually sitting down and tracking everything felt impossible. Rocket Money really helps simplify all of that for us. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel you guys your unwanted subscriptions. It monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. One of the first things that

surprised me about Rocket Money was how many subscriptions we were still paying for. Stuff we signed up for once and totally forgot about. But being able to see everything all in one place and can cancel what we didn't need with just a few taps, save so much time. I also love how automatically categorizes transactions because it makes patterns really obvious. You can actually see where your money's going, set budgets and goals, and get real-time alerts for big transactions or upcoming bills. It just makes you feel way more in control. And having all of our accounts, I'm talking checking, savings, loans, everything in one dashboard

is huge. It gives you a clear picture of your finances without bouncing between apps or statement. If you've ever thought, I should probably get a better handle on this. rocket money makes it feel doable instead of stressful. It's one of those tools that quietly makes life easier in the background. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at RocketMoney.com slash EastFam. That's rocketmoney.com slash EastFam.

RocketMoney.com slash EastFam. I mean, I think that's the exciting part about a promise. Oh, you know what I'm saying? It's like, yes, I agree. And we talked to Carl Pillimer who interviewed all these elderly couples. and one of the things that stood out to me that I still think about is there's this one older gentleman who said he never flagellated in front of his wife, which I giggled at first, and then I kept reading and I said he always wanted his wife to see him in the best light, which I agree with, right?

That's beautiful to have the striving of preserving like the positivity or, however you want to say that. But it can also be very restraining of like oh I can't that's a silly example but it's like I I'm super uncomfortable

I can't share that with her. I know but then why try it all? Right? If you walk around with the belief of like I know I'm going to fail or disappoint then what keeps you

trying to not? The promise. So which one do you focus on more? I focus on, I focus on me trying to uphold my end of what I said at the vows, which is just being there for you. And it's not, it's not attached to you doing anything for me. It's, it is, it is unconditional love that, yeah, that's it. I think it's like unconditional love.

I know. And that's what I'm asking for is like. And I'm saying similar to the last episode where I said, I do believe words are seeds, seeds that get planted in your subconscious that can grow over time. I think focusing on words like, I will let you down, grow into something not as beneficial as focusing on the words of the promise. and that's kind of where my nuances of preserving that fairy tale in a small way. If I focus on the seed of, I know I'm going to let her down and I need to ask for grace always, then it takes away motivation to try.

Whereas if you focus on the promise, knowing very well that a line underneath is, I know there will be failures and I know I'll have to tap into grace and I know I'll have to and but that's just part of it. I think focusing on that seed bears more fruit because go down the path of the guy who never let one rip in front of his wife. It's like he had a motivation to try and if you set your bar at I will fail. It just isn't motivated. I don't see it as I see as being an athlete walking into a gym knowing that you'll fail but you keep showing up.

You know what I'm saying? But do you focus on that? So here's what I do think is more. It is interesting to think about how expectations are incorporated into love and disappointment can feel like rejection. But in my mind, a healthy marriage acknowledges

the reality of, of we're going to let each other down. But you still, the tools that you use to navigate back towards hope and that fairy tale are like extreme ownership, humility, I think is. Yeah, it's humility. It's the number, that's like what you need in marriage where it's like, freaking, frick, I'm wrong. Gosh, dang it, I'm wrong.

And you got to eat those words. You know what I'm saying? And if you don't have that, then it's going to be a tough situation. And then working towards repair. So it's like it's being curious instead of defensive. I feel like it's, I feel like it's an understanding versus versus like trying to always think about the hope where it's like, hey, we're working towards a hope, but I'm understanding. that we're not there yet. I don't know.

I don't know. No, these are fun episodes. I would just say if your relationship that someone's let you down, John, let me say this to you. Why are you? Why are you? I'm laughing at us.

It's... You just got discouraged. I don't know why. I don't feel like love is proven when things go right. No. I think it is more powerful. and revealed when they don't go right.

I feel like it's important to remind yourself that you will still stay present, even when disappointed. Sorry that I'm trying to do that for you when I say stuff like this, but also allowing space for growth instead of demanding perfection. You know, I don't know. I don't know what the fine line is, but it's interesting because you're right. Two sides of the same coin still. It's like, is this healthy or is this constraining and suffocating? I don't know. What do you mean?

All right, so Momentus didn't invent creatine. They perfected it. And that's honestly what sold me on it. We've both been using creatine on and off for years, but consistency was always the issue. Scoops, mixing, shaker bottles, it just wasn't realistic every single day. Then these creatine chews changed that. So they come in these little tablets. Yes.

Which I've never seen before. for. They're flavored and they are delicious. It's lemon lime. It's so good. So Momentus creatine chews use one gram of crea pure creatine per chew, which is a gold standard. And they're NSF certified for sport. So you know exactly what you're putting in your body. No fillers, no artificial sweeteners, nothing extra. And the convenience is everything. Five chews is a full daily serving. And you can take them any time. It just fits into real life. For us, that performance for life mindset really matters.

High performance isn't just a trend. It's a long-term commitment. These shoes help support strength, energy, and cognitive performance now, and as we get older, which is huge. It's also worth saying Momentus is trusted by over 200 pro and collegiate teams and developed with top scientists and performance experts. This is elite level stuff just made simple. Also, NSF certified, that's what I used when I was competing at the highest level. Same, same. Thanks to Momentus for partnering with us. Get up to 35% off your first order using our link in the description. or our code, which is Sean Andrew, to try momentous creatine shoes for yourself. Or you can just scan the QR code that's right here on screen.

Having the high expectations of a fairy tale. Hey, that's really good to have that vision. Someone was talking about with their kids. I want to raise my kid to be a world changer. Is that, okay, that's cool. Is that encouraging to your kid? Or is that daunting and terrifying to be like, well, freak, I can't. I really love.

I really love art. Is that changed the world? I don't know. It's like there's just a fine line of what expectations bring. So anyway, I'm ramley. I'm ramley. I also want to say to you and I don't have massive expectations of you. and in you saying the whole debate of this line of like i will let you down it has nothing to do

with my expectations of you it's me as your wife challenging the own your own perspective of yourself of i know your heart i know what you're capable of i know that you're constantly wanting to get better and challenge yourself and so am I. And I think it's my rebuttal to all of this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with I think you set your bar too low

for yourself. I really appreciate that. I was putting together that Instagram video I did where it's like how my wife sees me. And it started off as a joke of like, hey, she thinks I can take care of her health

and fix her car and do all this stuff. And then I turned into like a serious post because I realized, man, that is, thank goodness, literally. I don't see myself like that. And she does, and that's cool. And there's responsibility. Let me work to be able to do all that stuff. I, at the end of the day, I do always want to grow and get better.

But I'm also just a guy. You know what I'm saying? And I want to watch freaking football and play with fire. and like drive stuff. And I want to do the learning and growing kind of at my own pace. And that's selfish? Because you need a little prod, a little push.

Just don't set the pace for me. You know what I'm saying? I am learning. I'm growing. Sometimes I'm going to have a day off. And that to me, there's something about this that's fascinating that I have to think of

because beneficial adversary, you know, is something. that you talk about a lot, and you challenge me in so many ways to, like, do better, be better, push myself to go farther and harder and faster than I'm comfortable with. And that's part of marriage. But coming back to, from my perspective, as your wife, looking at you, your capabilities, abilities, to hear these statements and to say, I don't think you've set your bar high enough for yourself, I don't think you're seeing yourself well, because you, to a certain extent, point

a finger and say, I need to remind you, Sean, that you don't need me. I think is eye-opening to how you feel, which is you need this reminder of, I don't need Sean. No, I'm not, okay. Because it's a, it's a complete projection and not one I want, which was what I explained in the last podcast. is like that's not a belief I need and that's not one that I want to have and I think this this idea of like it's coming across like you're not seeing yourself for the man you are

because you will let me down I don't need her it's not my job to make her happy you're just a man that likes fire and needs to go at his own pace And one, I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. And two, I think the question becomes live on air. Do you feel suffocated?

No, I don't. Because none of that is stuff I need. Baby, I will give you grace. I'm in this for the long haul. In the ugliest parts of it, no matter what comes up, I'll fight for it. I have no intention of escaping this. I don't want to. I love feeling like I need you.

I love feeling every ounce of that. I think it's such a beautiful feeling that I embrace. I do too. And everything about you, I need. And I love saying that. I don't like the feeling of the thought of not needing you. I also don't like the thought and don't want to embrace that. of just accepting I'll let you down

because that lowers my bar and my drive and my motivation to do the best I can possibly do for you every day. And I know it's not my job to make you happy. I know that comes from inner peace and like your own journey, but I will try very hard. Same.

And so the question becomes, how are you? How are you doing? I'm good. No, this, I mean, the whole series turned out, we didn't mean it to be a series, but it was revealed that there are three things that I say that don't sit well with you, which I feel like it was good because we talked about the sayings and why I should adjust them. And then it was also really exposing of our different perspectives and communication styles. And I'm grateful for that. So I, I am good. I'm good. I'm still How long I haven't been saying this stuff? Are you trying to say that I've not been good for the entirety of knowing? No, I'm just like, are you feeling suffocated?

Are you feeling like you need more freedom? I'm still focused on if I meet the, when I talk to the two strangers who are nicer than the way my wife's treating me, I just need to know. I don't actually need her, but I chose her. And it's like, I just want to make sure we're feeling. No, I, I stumbled through this conversation. Now I'm kind of like, okay.

I stumbled through this conversation and I said some things. I gave some bad analogies. So I'm sorry for that. And my brain is like, these aren't analogies. These are real life. Yeah, well, I'm going to let you down. So I'll love. Andrew, you're a phenomenal human.

Thanks, Sean. I appreciate that. And I think you're doing a lot of better job than I've ever done. And I think you need to give yourself more credit. Thank you. I feel so secure in our marriage, thank goodness. And I feel so content. I also feel super hungry and tired because I'm doing this freaking fast right now.

So maybe I'm not thinking clearly. So apologies. Apologies if our conversation was nonsense. I don't think it was nonsense. Always good chats. But I need you to reflect on it. Think about it. Let me know.

Yeah. I'll do the same. I will. Thank you for watching. That's how we got. I'm Andrew. Until next time. How are you doing?

I'm good. We don't need to end it weird. It's not weird. I'm...