Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 30 Our miscarriage story

Episode Date: August 5, 2020

Today in episode 30 of Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew, we’re bringing you a little something different – a mini series all about our relationship! Today, we’re starting with trying to get pregnant and our miscarriage. If you wanted to take a look at the YouTube video we were referencing in this conversation, check it out here. ▶ https://youtu.be/BidMbVRT8NU If you haven’t yet, please rate Couple Things and subscribe to hear more. And if you have suggestions/recommendations for the show, send us your ideas in a video format – we might just choose yours! Email us at [e-mail]. ––– We’re supported by the following companies we love! Make sure to check them out using our links below. Liquid IV! Get 25% off with code EASTFAM at checkout ▶ https://www.liquid-iv.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up? Everybody, welcome back to a couple things with Sean and Andrew, a podcast all about couples and the things they go through. Today, we take it back for you guys to 2017 to tell you a story that we really haven't shared on the podcast before. We actually experienced a miscarriage and because of Drew, because we're constantly talking about parenthood and parenting and everything that we've gone through, we thought we should just take you through the whole journey. It really tested our relationship we went through a lot of ups and downs arguments you know heartache heartbreak so many different things that I think a lot of you are probably going through in your own way that we thought we could relate relate with yeah we did make a video about this shortly after it happened but we

haven't really dived or delved into the details and you haven't shared how you were feeling I haven't really shared how I was feeling there's a lot that goes into those nuances that we've never talked about. And so I do just have to say that I'm super proud of you, Sean, for having the courage to speak up. I think that it is a super emotional thing that's not easy to talk about, but one in every four pregnancies in a miscarriage. And so it's not a rare occurrence, but it is rare to want to talk about. So do know that there is hope if you are experiencing this and there is another chapter and it's not over. It's a hard conversation to have. It's a hard topic to know. know what to say. So to anybody out there who is trying to get pregnant, who can't get pregnant,

who wants to get pregnant, who has lost a pregnancy or lost a beautiful baby, we're praying for you. You're not alone. We're sorry that anyone in this world has to go through that hard date because it's so hard. But we're praying for you. And there's a community out there. Just reach out that will help you heal from your loss. Yes. So we hope that this helps clarify any questions hopefully it gives insight into how we were able to deal with it. This podcast episode specifically is more about how things went down. We're going to do another one on really how we dealt with it. And so stay tuned for that.

Speaking of which, speaking of staying tuned, if you haven't yet, please subscribe to this show and rate it on whatever platform you're listening to. It really helps us out. Yeah, we're happy to have you here. Hope you enjoy this one. Hope you learn and take something from it. Let's just go ahead and jump into it.

This happened in 2017. 2017, the fall of. Wow, that seems like forever ago. So to give you guys the rundown of the story, 2017, Andrew is bouncing around the NFL. He's going from tryout to try out. And you're assigned to the Raiders at the beginning of the year.

and then you moved to the Seahawks. No, the Rams. I was on the L.A. Rams. I was on the L.A. Rams as you were filming a TV show, The Adventure Capitalist. And that was the spring. That's when we took our whole Grand Canyon and National Park Adventure.

And then that fall, I had a bunch of workouts and we were kind of based out of L.A. We had an apartment out there. And I literally had 10 different workouts. So pretty much every week I was flying out and going to Chicago. or Detroit or Arizona or wherever to get in front of an NFL team. But this particular weekend, you had four back-to-back tryouts that you were flying to,

I think you flew to Michigan, you flew to New York. I went to Detroit and then before I even finished that workout, I got a call from the Bears, which never really happens. Again, I'm not recalling any of these actual specifics, right? I'm like New York, Michigan. Oh, no, no, no, you're right. I went from Detroit to New York. You're right.

Because you just missed me. Yes. Because while he's bouncing around going from tryout to tryout, I'm flying to New York City to be on the Today Show because we're announcing the premiere of that Adventure Capitalist show that I had filmed in the spring. Yeah, you're doing a whole press circuit and it was on Megan, what's her name? Megan Kelly Show.

Megan Kelly Show, yeah, the segment. So a little bit more detail into this. Andrew, he had been bouncing around for a while. he hadn't seen his family your siblings in a while and your parents. So after these four tryouts, he was planning on flying back to Indianapolis and spending a week there because he wanted to hang out with his brothers and just kind of catch up. And since I was doing this press tour, I was going on the press tour and I was going to just go home afterwards and we were going to meet up about a week and a half later.

So I fly to New York City. The day that we said goodbye in Los Angeles, I knew there was something. off. I felt weird. I, my period was late. I was having like, I just, I had this inkling. And I went to take a pregnancy test. You didn't even know this. We were still, we were in the apartment together. And I think we were filming a video about putting together the patio furniture or something. And I snuck to the bathroom and took a pregnancy test. And it was kind of a, it wasn't a clear pregnancy test, But it was faint enough that I got a little nervous. I was like, I wonder, I think I might be pregnant, whatever.

But you packed up your stuff and you left. Yeah. Because, I mean, we were literally heading to the airport 30 minutes later. And at this point, we weren't actively trying to have a child. No. But we weren't opposed to it. So we were just kind of. Having fun.

We were just doing things. We were just doing things. Ready to deal with the consequences. Yes. So I, Andrew flies out to his first tryout. I fly out to L.A. I get to L.A. and I'm still like, can't shake this thought that I just feel like I'm pregnant.

And I'm kind of talking to Andrew, but I'm not telling him any of this. Because it's such a huge moment in your life as well. You're trying out for these NFL teams for a potential career. I mean, it was just a huge moment for both of us. Yeah. So the night before the Today Show, I run to CVS. I grabbed a bunch of pregnancy tests of every brand, go back to the hotel room and took all of them. And one by one, every single test was blatantly pregnant.

And I was like, I freaked out. I started bawling because I was just overwhelmed. We were at a crazy point in our lives. Were we against children at that time? Absolutely not. But like you said, it wasn't something we were planning for. And I went through this roller coaster of emotions. I felt so alone because I did not want to tell you over the phone.

And then also you've expressed me and my relationship with football was I would say rather unhealthy. I would always get super anxious and like kind of heady. I would just kind of stress out about the whole situation. And you were super gracious in like trying to shield me from any other outside stress so that I would have the best chance of going in to one of these tryouts and like making. the team with full confidence well in in my mind there was a lot going on as well i knew you were pursuing your dream and career and the thought of having a kid in being pregnant at that time i was like i was afraid it would distract you i was afraid it would put more pressure on you to feel like you had to make a team or you had to support the family in a way that you weren't already which you were it's just i was

afraid it would put more pressure on you. And I did not want to tell you over the phone that I was pregnant because that's not how I pictured this fairy tale coming true. So I ended up just kind of keeping it to myself in my own little secret for a while. I cried my eyes out out of confusion and fear and happiness and everything for about two days straight. Is this when you took the clips of the pregnancy test turning positive? Yes. I went on the today show with Jeremy Bloom the next day and I will confess that he knew, but he only knew because I was sick. And people kept trying to like hand me coffee

or there were like smokers around us or whatever. And Jeremy was kind of like the big brother protective. He's like, oh, she has to run and take a call or something and I'd be running to the bathroom because I was sick. So he was awesome and he did know. So I apologize he knew before you. It's funny now knowing that you were pregnant during that segment, you seemed super quiet and reserved and like something was wrong on that show and now it makes sense

I was I could not form a sentence and I even told Jeremy at the time I was like you have like this is yours because I can't operate as a human being right now my mind is so whatever so anyways I want to keep enough time in this podcast to actually talk about everything um fast forward I called Andrew and started acting super, super sketchy, but again, I couldn't tell him why over the phone. I was like, I can't have you go back to Indiana, like Indiana after your tryouts. And I waited until your last try out to tell you this, but I was like, you cannot go back to Indiana. You have to come home.

And which, again, is such a dramatic, terrible thing to do to your significant other. But I didn't know how to execute it. I didn't know how to get you home without sharing it. And you were acting, you never really do, you never really force. my hand like that. And so that's when I was sitting in my hotel room the night before my trial with the Giants. And I recorded that clip where it was so emotional for me because I was like she might be pregnant. And then it was. Which is crazy that you came to that conclusion. Well, because you were acting pretty suspicious. I know. I know. But I didn't know. Like you,

you did not, you really didn't allude to the pregnancy thing at all. It was just me like trying to prepare for the most, you know, the most jarring situation possible. do you remember the emotions i don't want to we don't need to dive too deep but like the first time i thought like oh my gosh we might have a child on the way was like even before i knew you were pregnant was wild i just will never forget sitting there and like crying thinking about you going from my wife to the person i would raise a child with well and i think the hardest thing for me yes i remember the emotions i literally remember standing in the shower in the hotel room and this is dramatic but just bawling for almost an hour straight because when you

aren't actively planning for a kid you your mind isn't in the place of oh let's go buy baby furniture and let's like raise this human being yeah and I knew we had talked about kids before but I knew we weren't on the same page with like this is time for us and it's scary. me it just scared me there's so many just natural thoughts that go through your head when you first find out you're pregnant and you're not planning it too it's it's just like am i actually made for this am i am i going to be able to raise a good human being am i meant to be a mom are you meant to be a dad or like it's just it's terrifying and okay anyways i remember that and it was it was really hard so finally convinced you I played a card that I've never played in my entire life and I was like

as your wife I need you to not ask questions and I need you to come home yeah and it was it was just point blank so Andrew flew home I met him at home and I remember I just literally walked in the door and handed you a box of baby shoes because I wanted I mean again that fairy tale I dreamt about I wanted to tell you in a sweet way but I still felt so alone because I didn't have my husband husband yeah and needed to share it so remember we're filming all this too and i just when i look at that video it's such a i mean that is the most emotional video that we've ever made that's that i've ever watched personally obviously because we're directly connected to it but i remember you texting me like hey i'm two minutes out and i set up the camera because i was like well just in case

Sean actually is pregnant. First of all, I know she can't really keep a surprise. So she's going to tell me right when she gets here. And that's, you're not going to surprise this. But then I was like, I want to document this whole process. Like I just, my dad is big into the home video thing. And so I, it meant a lot to me to like be able to show potentially my future child. Like, hey, this is when we first find out we were going to meet you someday.

So that's why we had the camera set up. Yeah. So I told them. and we both just started bawling you were speechless yeah yeah i mean there's just like you said there's so many thoughts that go through your mind when that moment is confirmed like okay you're actually pregnant some are really really fun others are kind of darker if you will absolutely and so i like i i wasn't actually crying i was just kind of like floored speechless i don't even know what to do or how to react.

And again, like, kind of like you alluded to, I don't want to get too dark here. And, but there's so, fear is a crazy thing. Yeah.

Fear is a crazy emotion that forms terrible thoughts. And you just have like, these thoughts of like, is my life over? Because you have all of these people in the world who are like, oh, once you have a kid,

your social life is gone. It's going to ruin your marriage. It's, you're never going to have sex again. You're never going to have sex again. never like people just put these thoughts of doubt and fear in your mind that a child could be a negative and yeah so well we should clarify in certain phases of life absolutely we were still 23 or 24 now realizing that so many people do view the other side of having a kid as like

their one goal in life because it can't get there changes everything right but we were in the mindset of like, oh my gosh, we're being selfish out here in Los Angeles. We could go to events and do this and that. We have all this freedom. We saw that a kid would be the end of that, which scared us. And there's all this self-doubt. Like, am I worthy? Am I going to mess this up? Like, this child depends on me. Am I ready for that? So that's a whole thing. And I, I've never been one to stay up and like have my mind race at night. But that night, I probably got like two hours asleep because I was just thinking through everything it's so overwhelming and I remember getting to a point at about 5 a.m. where I was like so excited and you start dreaming of names and what

they're going to look like and the little baby shoes they're going to be wearing and like you like you just kind of have these I went from being terrified and having all the self-doubt to like you reached that point of excitement right and it was the first night I had slept in about three or four days because again I just felt I felt alone not having you and not being able to talk it through with you and not being able to like process it all and so that night I actually slept and I felt comforted and I felt excited just like you said so then we wake up we have our coffee we start talking about like just everything baby names and it had to have been oh my gosh you know we woke up at six or seven I think it was at nine or ten when

I started getting these excruciating, like, lower abdomen pains. This is literally within 12 hours of us finding, like, us sharing the news that she's pregnant. Yeah. And about three hours after I had started building excitement. Yeah. So I got these excruciating lower abdomen pains and just started bleeding a lot and got really scared by it. Because, again, I mean, I knew about pregnancy, but I didn't know it about anything else, really. I didn't know the details of it or what.

you know, naturally came with pregnancy, but I didn't think that was part of it. And I got nervous and we didn't really have doctors back in L.A. We still had our doctors in Nashville. So I called our doctor here in Nashville and kind of talked her through it. And she said, I think you need to go into a clinic there and get yourself checked,

especially if you've tested positive for being pregnant, just every, all this stuff. And how did you find the doctor? that we went to she found them really so our doctor here in Nashville actually had a doctor in um knew a doctor in L.A and so by this time I mean I was curled up in the fetal position yeah we were cuddling on the couch you were in the fetal position in the bathroom I honestly had no clue yeah anything I thought this was like morning sick yeah I didn't know

anything night neither did I'm so we actually got an appointment and went to the hospital and this is i mean we can show you videos too if you watch this on youtube but i was white and gray in the face i couldn't get off the bathroom floor every inch of my what did you feel i felt just i felt violently just like my body was sick i don't know how to say that like i didn't feel like i was going to i did feel nauseous but I didn't feel like I was going to throw up it was just like an all over my skin hurt my toes hurt

my head hurt you never felt anything like that before never ever and it just it felt bad and so we got this appointment with the OBGYN in in LA kind of like an emergency appointment we went right in I think it ended up being two or three hours after

so by now it's like early afternoon we get there Andrew still has like optimism and excitement but I don't know how to explain it. I knew when I was pregnant. It's like there's something that switches in your brain. And it was a weird feeling. And I knew it was gone. I don't know how.

It just, I didn't have that feeling. And so we were at the doctor. And we got an ultrasound and the doctor was like, we need to take blood work and everything. but basically like you're miscarrying like we can tell and I just remember sitting there because I as a husband you just I really didn't even understand how the female body worked or the cycles or what like how do you know you're pregnant whatever so I was just like along for the ride had the camera out because I thought we were going to get an ultrasound and see our baby for the

first time but it didn't turn out like that so then he confirms that I was miscarrying and they took blood work and I remember when he got the blood work back and he was he was the best doctor for what we are going through I've got to Goldberg dr. Goldberg I think he would be okay with us naming him but I remember him saying I was a little bit farther along than we initially thought they thought I was probably eight or nine weeks instead of six weeks or again still very early um but I remember feeling like an absolute child at the doctor and I don't I don't mean that because of a way they made me feel but I just felt just like you know when you're sick or you get hurt and you just want mommy and daddy to make it okay I just felt like I don't know I just felt lost and

I remember I could have absolutely lost it at the doctor's office but tried to keep it together because I remember Dr. Goldberg sitting us down in his office after we were done with everything, the ultrasound's blood work, all of it. And he looked me like dead in the eyes. And he's like, you did not do this. It's nothing, it has nothing to do with what you ate or who you were around or nothing. It's not your fault. It just happens. And man, I could do an entire podcast about that but the amount of guilt you feel as a woman when you miscarry I had never felt up before he gave us some stats some facts I'll just read them here he said about one and four pregnancies ended miscarriage but it's not talked about commonly and that was a cool you know we

we ended up sharing this video and it was number one on YouTube it was like it was It went wild because it's not often talked about. And we had just gone through this whole experience of finding out we're pregnant to finding out as a miscarriage and like a short amount of time. Anyway, the cool side effect of us sharing that, which took a lot of courage on your part. Well, I want to explain that to real quick

just because, again, we were filming everything for our own. We never, ever, ever planned on putting that the internet ever that was for a home video for us to document our first child if you look at the videos we had made up to that point it was like slime videos and collabs with these Nickelodeon stars we had never showed anything like that personal and after we got home from the doctor i wanted to watch the footage i wanted to go back and look at everything i was just sad i was really lost and really sad and i had no idea how to even begin to pull myself back together.

So I was just watching through it. I was watching through your little speech to that baby and just all of these things. And we started editing a video again for us. And I remember late that night having a conversation with Andrew saying and telling him, and if you know the dynamic between us, Andrew's more the one who's like,

let's post this, it's fun. I'm more the one that's like, I don't want to post it. Yeah. And I was the one telling him, Ander. I was like, I want to post this. And he kept saying, are you sure? I don't think, you know, like he kept trying to protect me and say like, I don't think we should do that. Let's keep it to ourselves. And I don't know why. I just kept insisting. And I remember I stayed up almost all night

that night after we posted it, reading comments and just crying, reading people's personal stories about how they got through their miscarriage and that they went through it as well. And I just didn't feel alone yeah because it was cool for me to sit there and watch you be able to sympathize and empathize and encourage and get encouragement from people who have been through the same thing and are in different uh different points in the journey or process of grieving or making it you know hey i went through three miscarriages and then i had three kids and you know just like to get different perspective was really cool on you for for you anyway on a personal that's when I first realized like wow social media as bad a rap as it gets can

actually be really cool and I think it helped you through a really tough time my emotional perspective on the whole thing was like a little different just because my grieving was not so much um it was it was just because I saw you were so deeply affected and there's I feel like the mom just has a different relationship than the dad that early on in the Absolutely. And no woman can ever expect a man to understand that because, again, it's since a, since a man doesn't get pregnant, I mean, the hormones, the, the just like innate kind of like mom's sense that you get during the pregnancy, I could never expect you to feel that or understand it. And I remember there were times where, especially like the first week after where I would just literally be so happy. one minute and then just start bawling the next minute and you would ask me to like explain and I would try to explain as much as I could but I'd just be like you know I just I just need you to hug me I mean and I think the best thing you can do when you go through something like that

is to try to over communicate and overshare and try to explain because your partner can't understand even if you're sharing I don't know why but I'm feeling sad like you don't you know i just expressing emotions and where you are is really important well and you did a good job with that it came with some learning and to explain a little bit about kind of what you go through when you miss carey or what i went through every person is different i've i just felt sad i felt so sad and i will admit i was not one to have ever have probably thought that that much emotion could be attached to something that was so fleeting. I mean, I literally only knew for a few days and, you know, I was nine weeks pregnant.

I wasn't full term or whatever. I was probably one to be insensitive to miscarriage before I actually went through it. And I kept telling and trying to explain to Andrew afterwards that I felt like I lost a child. I felt like as a woman, one of my like purposes in life, individually, one of my purposes in life was to be able to carry your child, to take care of them, to, you know, bird them, to do all this. And when I miscarried, I felt like one of those like fundamental, foundational things that I might have been taught as a child,

which is like one of my purposes as a wife as to give you a child, I felt like I failed that, and it almost made me feel like I was a failure as a wife to you and as a spouse, which makes total sense now, seeing the turmoil relationships kind of go through after losing children

of any of age or pregnancy or whatever. It's just, there was so much guilt wrapped up in it that I felt like you were going to resent. sent me for it. It seemed like you were feeling guilt for that reason, but also, as you discussed earlier, like, did you do something wrong, like, that affected this outcome? And I don't know, it's, it's so interesting like that, the guilt that you felt for failing me, in my mind, it was like, because I wasn't so immediately focused on it or so, like,

locked in, zoomed in on the situation as you were, I was. encouraged that hey we can try this again we're 24 yeah this is not the end of the road yeah did you feel like oh with this didn't work out now maybe it'll never work out absolutely oh my gosh i went down a very very dark path which i think is just natural when you go through something like that but in my mind i went through all these different thoughts of like did my baby feel all of the sadness and like the anxiety and stress I was feeling those first few days and did I cause it because of that or is it all the dumb stuff that I did as an athlete when I went through eating disorders and took dumb pills and like did I ruin my body back then or is this a

you know karma thing or is it I mean I just I I don't know I had all these terrible thoughts of my dream has always been to be a mother. Yeah. Maybe I wasn't born to, and that scared me. So Doc said that 25% of pregnancies end in missing. Reading, playing, learning. Stellist lenses do more than just correct your child's vision. They slow down the progression of myopia.

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Yeah. And I think it's because women feel. such guilt and pain around it that most women I know are just I mean I think it's it's a female thing it's like I'm fine I don't want to talk about it I would encourage you listening if you're in any way related to this subject to know that one you're not alone two this isn't the end of the road and three there can be a lot of comfort and community I don't know what you'd have to say to him but I mean just you're not alone.

Yeah. And I mean, I don't know. I, it's hard because when I was going through it, part of me didn't want to share it with anyone because I didn't want to be reminded of it on a daily basis. I didn't want people to be like, I'm sorry for your loss. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I didn't want to have to deal with that every single day with every person, especially when you live, you know, in, on a platform or in the limelight, I knew that was going to be magnified. And so I didn't know what my own personal strength was, whether I'd be able to process that or deal with it. But then when I decided to share, I healed through other people.

I healed through the stories of people saying, I'm going through it and I went through it. I mean, it made me sad to see how common it was. I wish this upon no one. But to see that and to read, and to talk to women who got through it or went through it and how they healed healed me. And yes, it was really hard to be confronted by people every single day

and say, I'm so sorry for your loss. I mean, it was a beautiful thing to be told, but it also just kind of like, it still stung. And I just took time. I, uh, we've been told that the feelings of guilt are normal in miscarriage. you experienced it i would say that those feelings it seems like are normal but not necessarily like justified or like they're they're not true so don't listen to the darker voices that say you did something wrong or you you caused this i kind of view i'm somewhat of like a

like predestination i view this as like just part of the beautiful story tapestry that's being formed that again this isn't the end of the road there's going to be the next part in this story just stay tuned just make it to that next step if you know and don't let it derail you completely well and i would say too that i think one of the worst things you could do which is something i think women are very um what something we tend to do is to just compartmentalize push it away and not talk about it. And I think it will eat you alive. You have to talk to someone because that guilt will consume you.

And even though it's no guilt should be felt, it's just like when you go through something like that, you need someone, you need someone there to just remind you as annoying as it might be as you, as much as you might try to push it off. You need someone to say, you're going to get through it. you're going to be okay and it was not your fault yeah and do know that most women who miss kerry can get pregnant again and so there's a light at the end of the tunnel there's you know a rainbow baby uh that that could be had and i um i do want to talk about probably on the next episode how we each grieved through that process and how that affected us moving forward once we kind of found out about the miscarriage how did that change things because it did it did a lot and it was actually hard on a relationship for a while for sure definitely I do have to say though

Sean I am super impressed by how you dealt with it you were honest you were self-aware you were you were open to communicating about it and talking about it and it's cool just to see how many people as tough as it may be for you now seek you out for advice on how to make it through that and I just think you're the perfect person for that and all like that's me being fully transparent I just I admire you a lot in this instance and this event increased that admiration. I could not have gotten through it without you. I love you.

So yes, I thought we were going to get through a lot more in this podcast, but we'll need to do a part too. Yes. Yep. Yeah. Thank you guys for listening. Sorry for the somber podcast, but it all ends very happy. Um, if you liked this, please.

Subscribe to it and give the show a rating. Just one more word of encouragement. Yeah. If you are being affected by this or if you're discouraged, I don't know where you might be in your journey. But I would say God does have a plan and like there can be beauty found if you look for it. So don't get too discouraged. I would say embrace the emotional.

motion let it let it be a reason to draw closer to whoever you're going through this with whether it's your husband or whoever you're going through it with have it draw draw you closer and not for their part and uh just know that sean and i are here rooting for you and um we'll do our best to answer any questions that you have so as a reminder next week we have another interview with a really fun couple. Yes. And in the week after that, we'll give part two. Thank you guys so much for listening. We're thankful for all of you. This is the East fam. Out.