Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 307 | Dear Newlywed Us… (10 Years Later)

Episode Date: April 22, 2026

In today’s episode, in honor of our 10-year anniversary, we looked back at an episode you all loved where we made a list of things we wish we could tell ourselves as newlyweds. It was so fun to reminisce on the “honeymoon phase” after we got married and reflect on all the ways we’ve grown individually and as a couple since then. We hope this episode encourages you in whatever stage of marriage you’re in. And to our single friends out there—don’t settle! Marriage is such a gift when it’s with the right person, and that person is worth the wait :) Love you guys! Shawn & Andrew Shop Everyday Cotton, and all of my favorite bras and underwear, at www.https://SKIMS.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you! Select "podcast" in the survey and be sure to select our show in the dropdown menu that follows! IQJOE is offering our special podcast listeners 20% off plus FREE shipping. To get your twenty percent off, text EASTFAM to sixty-four thousand. Text EASTFAM to 64000. CHECK OUT OUR BOOK! The Courage to Commit releases June 9, and if you pre-order now, you’ll get access to our exclusive bonus video series. All the details and redemption steps are on the book landing page. https://thecouragetocommit.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up, everybody? Welcome back to a couple things. With Sean and Andrew. Did you know today is our 10-year anniversary? What a 10-years has been? Little do you know that right over here is where we spent our honeymoon. Yes. And now we're right here celebrating our 10-year anniversary. And we've been spending a lot of time reflecting, thinking forward, what do we want our

life to be? What do we want our marriage to look like 10 years from now? and what has it look like. And it's part of that. We're bringing you this episode of Things We Wish We knew as Newlyweds. Yes. Because we have learned a lot.

And we can't wait to tell you guys all about everything that we've talked about and gone through on this anniversary trip when we get home. Without further new, things we wish we knew as newlyweds. What's up, everybody? Welcome back to Couple Things.

With Sean and Andrew. The episode is themed after love and marriage and dating. And it's things that. that we would tell ourselves as newlyweds. Yes. We have a long list. Yeah, we have a list of 20 things we would tell ourselves. We've learned so much.

We've learned so much. It's been a really good process. And you know, I was thinking about after last solo we did, which was all about the psychology of marriage. Oh, yes, I remember. That was kind of a polarizing episode. Some people loved it. Some people were like, wow, this feels like a real business type of setup in your marriage.

And I understand both perspectives. but regardless of where you lie on that range, I was really glad that we get to talk about things that I think are thought-provoking. For sure. And maybe they get people off their normal trajectory and maybe we are able to kind of poke around and help improve some things.

Tell me more about this, though. I'd like to know. What? The people's responses? Yeah. Who thought it was too businessy of a setup in our marriage. There's just a couple comments. And that's fine. No, I know, but I want to challenge them.

So tell me what they said. They said, wow, way to take marriage and make it feel real businessy. That was the feedback. Interesting. Huh. But you had that feeling. That was your feeling the whole episode. It was very businessy, for sure.

But it was, like, key takeaways. Yeah. You were taking something like a social norm that should be practiced in marriage. And you made it sound super, like, official. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like a diagnosed, prescribed thing. Well, they're just certain terms. There's like labels for things, you know.

I am curious within this doctorate of psychology that you've been studying and getting, how much have you learned and been practicing on me? None. I'm not like a practicing psychologist, just to clarify. I'm learning about statistics, and I'm learning about how to do research and how to, evaluate research to test its validity. I'm learning about how to cite sources and build an argument. So I'm not, I'm not like teaching or learning about manipulation of, oh, hey, if you want to convince somebody, this is how you do it. Interesting. But the episode got me thinking about

how we try to talk about things that y'all want to hear about. Yes. And if there is any topic that you're interested in hearing our take on, please comment down below and we'll build an episode out of it. It is really, really fun to construct these episodes. There's effort put into this. We have Google Docs that we put thoughts into and organize them so that it's a pleasant episode to listen to. And we love doing it. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world to be able to do this on a day-to-day basis. Some traditions that we have were Valentine's Day and our family. We've done this since year one with Drew, where we do a daddy-daughter day. I take it to a fancy brunch. or breakfast. I usually go before school and we'll sit down.

We'll have a little conversation. We're there for like 45 minutes, but just to see her excitement, to see her get ready and make it a special event, it's like it's nothing crazy. We're just going to a restaurant and sit down and eating, but it's so special. You usually dress up.

You put a tux on or a suit for her. She puts on her most love, like her favorite dress. She has me to her hair, and she always asked me to put on a little bit of makeup for her. She wears high heels, her high heels. But it's really special. It's a great tradition to teach Drew, in my opinion.

Like to a certain extent, courtship and like the respect, but also this bond built between daddy daughter. I think it's just really special. On the flip side, I do the same thing with Jet. So Jet and I usually go on a date. We will go to breakfast or we'll go to lunch or like something throughout the day. I think last year we went and got breakfast and had a blast. He got the world's biggest muffin, I remember, and a smoothie and pancakes and all this stuff.

That boy can eat. But it is fun because Bear and I will go on our first date this year. Last year, Bear was a freshie. He wasn't even two months old. So I don't think we did the Valentine's date. And I don't even think I was able to take Jet on a date last year because of just how crazy life was. But I'm excited to do each individually this year.

There are seasons of life. There are. This is a good one we're in. Do you? Go ahead. I have a question. Do you like Valentine's Day? Let me tell you my relationship with Valentine's Day.

Because I feel like in elementary school, middle school, when you have the little Valentine's boxes that you make. and the best. Oh my gosh. Drew made hers already. And so did jet. Yes. And we got their classmates,

Valentine's gifts that they picked out. I used to love Valentine's Day. My mom also used to make it really special where she'd leave a little trinket at the bottom of the stairs for us and a card. And it was very nice. We'd have French toast, which is my favorite.

And then in high school and college, it kind of loses its luster, I feel like. but once we started dating and then certainly once we got engaged and married it really did become a day where it was almost our only structured date night there for a while. I feel like the whole year.

It was like we might not go on like a planned date any other time besides Valentine's day. Especially dating. Well, because like we weren't doing like formal date since we were dating. We were hanging out a lot. Yeah. Like the formal date was like Valentine's.

Yeah. And now, As an old guy, I really, I'm here for any and all reasons to celebrate and make fun occasions and memories through. So I love Valentine's Day for the July Easter, all the major holidays, Christmas, Thanksgiving. I'm even talking about, it could be World Ice Cream Day. Let's make something fun out of it. Yeah. Just because of the kids.

I used to put, make Valentine's a big deal. in my mind, especially when we were dating, like I wanted it to be like this grand, um, showcasing of love. However, now that we've been into marriage longer, I actually don't care about it.

Because I don't want that to be the only day like we try for each other. Right. Like go above and beyond and truly try to court and like showcase love. And I feel like now, You and I almost have a Valentine's Day every week. Yeah. And we're doing the same things we do on Valentine's Day. And on Valentine's Day, we don't do gifts.

We don't, like, go buy each other jewelry or, like, whatever. That's not our vibe. We'll go on a date night. But I think it should just be a reminder of this is what life should look like. You shouldn't just wait once a year to really. really tell a significant other. Oh, by the way, like, I love you. I like it, but my pushback is,

my pushback is when you have this thought process of, oh, you shouldn't need a day of the year to tell someone that you love them. It can easily, one outcome of that can turn into, well, then you end up never telling that person. I, you interpreted that, I might have said that wrong. You shouldn't need a day because it should be consistent.

There shouldn't only be one day a year you go above and beyond to showcase love to your spouse. Yes, but what I like about it is at least you have one day of year. Yeah, true. Because, you know, some people wait for the mystical romance to hit. And then they're like, oh, if you put it on the schedule, then it's too structured and rigid. And it's not romantic. It's like, no, well, then maybe that ends up in never being romantic. Yeah.

So in honor of Valentine's, though, we wanted to do an episode about all the things that we would tell ourselves as newlyweds. We've grown a lot in marriage. And it really is fun to look back and think, wow. In those early years, we really were just trying to figure things out, you know? But I also feel like in the early years, we thought we had it all together. And I also feel like we're still figuring it out. We are. So whether you're married or engaged or dating or maybe you've been married for decades,

longer than we have. Or just, yeah, maybe looking for a refresher. We've got some personal notes and stories to share. Do you remember what it was like getting married? It's almost nine years ago now. I do. I remember almost every detail of the whole day. Do you?

I did too. I remember not having cuff links. The guy said it looked like I had napkins hanging out my shirt. I remember my suit was so tight. It was hot. It was so hot. I remember like our first look. I remember getting, oh my gosh,

I remember getting ready at our house with all of my bridesmaids and girlfriends and my mom and your mom. And your mom totaled two cars in the same day. Which, oh my gosh. Let me put it this way. She didn't total cars in like a catastrophic way. So like nobody was injured, everybody was fine.

but we had this like, what's it called? Ditch. Like a ditch in our drive, like on either side of our driveway. And so when you pulled in and out of our driveway, you had to be really careful that you didn't fall off the driveway into the ditch. And it was like a three foot drop. But she went off and the car's underbelly got like hooked. And by the time they got the car out, it was literally totaled.

That was total car number one. That was during makeup. And then she got like a rental car. and I don't even know what happened but she like went off the interstate No it is one of those intersections where you take a left and you're on the wrong side of the road Like off the interstate

So it's a little confusing kind of But she got T-boned and that was total card number two Yeah That was right by the wedding venue I remember dealing with like the paparazzi And the helicopter that was flying over Taking pictures People were camped out in our bushes

in our front yard. You could find those online. Sean in a robe. But if it... I also don't remember being phased by any of that. I also remember our first look.

So we decided to do a first look because we didn't want... We wanted to be able to go straight to the reception and not do like so many pictures in between. And I loved doing our first look, but I was so nervous.

Yeah. I like... We were miced up. Yeah. And I didn't even know. what to say because in the back of my head I was like people are listening to this I was just so yeah but I was so happy excitement is just the word that comes to mind where it's just raw excitement you know yeah and we have been through hard conversations for sure stuff and had some things

to figure out because you had moved to Nashville there's a lot of conversations around that but you're still we're still kids we were we were we were 24 when we got married. Is that right? Yeah. So settling into careers and stuff, we were just beginning that process. But, you know, we hadn't had kids yet. We hadn't lost anybody close to us. Anyway, so excitement. It was just like all about the fun, raw. I think something that Andrew and I got to experience, which Andrew and I talk about this a lot, the pros and cons to getting married young and early on in your relationship versus people who get married later in life

or date for like eight years and then they get married. Ander and I's marriage was truly like a leap of faith because, which I believe in, which because like on our wedding day, we were babies, we were young. But we were vowing to each other I have no idea what is about to happen

we haven't done life together for eight years and now we're choosing to get married we are just starting this journey and I vow to like be there with you and I have no idea what it's going to look like and to a certain extent even I could argue back in the day when we were 24

and we'd only been dating three years pretty much Like we didn't really know who each other were fully There's no way to know There's a ton of situations that we had not been in together To know how we'd respond, etc And it was truly just this like leap of faith of like

Here we go And I always say I look back on our wedding day And part of me wish is like we could get remarried right now To each other Because you just you understand The weight and the magnitude of the situation And I love you now a million times more than I even loved you then

and I thought then I couldn't love you any more than I did because I was already on top of the world. A couple thoughts as you're speaking. One, people talk about, I felt like we had it all figured out back then. I don't feel like that was our approach. It was just us being naive kind of and not thinking about the potential negative ramifications.

And what's exciting about marriage is, it epitomizes that idea of it's not what happens to you it's how you respond to what happens to you or control what you can control because to your point there were so much that we had to learn that we still have yet to learn and if you're if you're approaching it with i gotta wait until i make enough money or i get settled here i figure this out that is like letting the uncontrollables control you yeah how much you earn you is not really fully up to you. You feeling settled is kind of an arbitrary, ambiguous goal. So it's us planning the flag and saying, I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know that we have the choice to stay together through whatever happens.

So that's kind of hype. I also think to a certain extent, everything that you were just saying, all of those things that people feel. So like I don't feel settled enough. I'm not, I don't know who I am enough. I haven't made enough money. I'm not in a place in my life to get married, whatever.

You're also, to a certain extent in my mind, because we've experienced this, you're missing out on being able to navigate the rough parts of life with someone who can help you get better and get through stuff. and if you navigate those ups and downs with someone yeah it's hard like you literally have another human to like get through these rough patches

with but it makes the love in like the marriage so much stronger when you get through it yeah and inevitably if you sit down and talk with a couple who has not had a lot of money that now might have a lot of money

they always talk about oh those early days where we were living in a tiny little apartment and didn't have enough money to buy food for the next day. Those are the good old days to them. That's how they're reflecting on it, like reminiscing. It's the same thing with kids.

When you're in the thick of it as a parent raising a newborn, it feels like overwhelming. But then you talk to any parent who has older kids are like, you're going to miss this. Why is that? You know, because you're like freaking struggle together. And we even got married super young. And I still look back on everything I experienced before you,

and I'm like, dang, I wish you were there for that. I know, yeah. Yeah, that's fun. You guys have heard me say this before, but Skims really does keep changing the game when it comes to intimates. I feel like one of my biggest pain points with bras and underwear has always been comfort, like finding something that actually feels good all day and still looks good underclothes. And I feel like whenever you find something you love,

you immediately want to replace your entire drawer. Yeah, I'm a purger. And that's kind of what happened with their very new everyday cotton collection. I always loved cotton underwear, can be hard to find cotton pieces that still feel supportive and flattering. My favorite thing right now is the everyday cotton ultimate bra because it has that same lift and shape I already love from skims, but now it's in a super soft cotton fabric that feels amazing under a t-shirt.

Yeah, you do wear that one all the time. It's like an everyday outfit lately. And honestly, it's my favorite to look at, too. How do you see then? Oh, because we get naked and everything in between together. It's one of those things where you find something comfortable that fits well and you don't want to wear anything else. just makes getting dressed easier

and honestly more comfortable from morning tonight. I would 100% recommend Skims to a friend because their prices actually solve the everyday comfort problem. Shop everyday cotton and all of my favorite bras and underwear at skims.com.

After you place your order, be sure to let them know that we sent you, select podcast in the survey, and be sure to select our show in the drop-down menu that follows. But there's a little, there's a little bit of trusting

and wisdom there where it's like, I guess I believe that I will miss this at some point. I trust that I will or I have faith that things will get figured out and I'll hit the next chapter of life and it'll be better. Anyway, this is us reminiscing. I also want to say, I recently had a friend who said something to me and I was just like, man,

if I can remember this for the rest of my life in our marriage, I think it's the most beautiful thing in the world. But I'm a friend who's gone through a rough patch in life. And she literally said you have two choices when you go through rough patches. You can either dig in or you can run away. And I feel like there's a question here that says, what do you think world's view of marriage is today? I think the world's view of marriage is,

if things get rough, it must not be meant to be. So high tail it out and go find the person you're actually supposed to be with and I thought it was so beautiful the way she said I'm digging in

I'm here I chose this person and like we are going to see through it and I think marriage the worldview of marriage is so anti that

but that's so beautiful the thing that's so beautiful about marriage is trusting that at your lowest, you've got someone who's got your back to pick you up and, like, get through it with. Yep. That's good.

I had not heard that from you. Thanks for sharing. Yeah. Let's roll into the episode. We haven't started. No, we have not. Here are 20 things we would tell ourselves as newlyweds. One, you just made the best decision of your whole life.

Amen. How about that? I agree. What's fun is, at the time we got married, I did not really like weddings. I thought it was a waste of money. Oh, my gosh, we're spending so much money on this wedding. It's so overwhelming. Why are we stressing out about inviting all these people?

Let's go elope. I was big on getting a loat. You said that recently, that you still wish we would have eloped. That haunts me a little bit. No, no, no. I don't wish we eloped. Okay. Now, looking back on it, it is such a,

it's such a wonderful excuse to settle. That's how I feel now. It's like never again. Will you get that opportunity? Well, and I also like more so now, even than I did back then, because back then I thought it was an obligation. Now I think it's like a beautiful part of the ceremony. So like if you're able to have a large wedding, you're literally taking your vows in front

of the community of people that will hopefully help you in your journey of marriage to stay together. Right. Then when something happens, you're going to go have a conversation. with one of those people sitting in that audience and say, break, you won't believe what happened. And hopefully they'll say, let's figure this out. For sure. Right.

That's good. Marriage is beautiful. It's challenging. And it's also worthwhile. It has the power to transform you in amazing ways. I've experienced that. I was laughing. I went on a riverboat trip last year one week floating down the river, Huck Finn style for a buddy's bachelor party.

and it's like, I really fell at home there. I was like, this could have been in a parallel universe. Andrew would be floating down the river on a daily basis, probably not have a job, live on just dollars a day. You know what's funny is you've said this so many times, but you chose to go to Vanderbilt and get your MBA. There's never a world. I was just dead set on football,

and then I just took the next thing that was ahead of me. Anyway, but you have transformed me into whatever iteration of Andrew this is. It's really fascinating. And I was a cripplingly insecure, paralyzed by perfection, just like people-pleasing person who could not function. And you've probably to your demise. You've made the opposite. You're like, you're stubborn little.

Oh, you're talking about it. Oh, you're talking about it. That's so good. Thank you for sharing. All right. So what we tell ourselves, congratulations on making such a huge commitment to each other.

It really is so special. Number two. Your spouse will change over time. Yeah, that's right. We actually read this book. Highly recommend it's called Meaning of Marriage. And it actually says, in the book, the person you marry on your wedding day is not the person you will be with five

years from now and that person is not the person you'll be with 10 years from now. Everyone changes. They go through roller coasters. They go through phases of life. They mature. They go through lows and highs and they just change. People change and that's okay. And so you have to evolve with them. You don't marry somebody though trying to change them. Yes. I agree. I think it's marrying somebody with an understanding that change will happen. Like, I'm a completely different person as a mom than I was. Thank you for Jerry. Thank you so.

Am I? Or am I the same person that you married on our wedding? I say it's different being married to a mom. It's like, holy crap. While we were chilling, viving. Next thing you know, saluting. I gap. fallen life.

Oh, man. But this has struck me, I think it was like three years into marriage where I was really struck with how much of responsibility it is because you are the greatest influence of change for your spouse. Yes. So like if you are uncontrollable with your emotions or how you deal with conflict or respond, that is going to rub off. Like, yeah, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. So it takes so much responsibility to give. them as unbiased as you can clear feedback that they need to hear right it's not you're not each other's coach but it's like this precious really intimate like sensitive hey that's not okay for you to do that's not okay for you to treat me like that that's not okay for you to be selfish in xyz ways and then and then having the patience to say that time after time after time for a year after time for a year after year until finally there's movement that starts happening. It's crazy. You have the power to bring your spouse up or tear

them to the ground. Yeah. You are the most trusted person in their life. You have to be very aware of that. That's right. I'm going to add one here because this hit me about seven years in the marriage, so about two years ago. The concept of beneficial adversarial. You know, I freaking love this. You'll love it. So the Hebrew word for Adam, as in Adam and Eve, from the Bible, the first man and woman, means beneficial adversary, okay? And when I think about that concept,

thinking about almost two rams, budding heads in a way that strengthens each other, right? Yep. Feel that? It's like this tug-in tug-of-war in some senses. Well, that's not the right image. That's not the right metaphor to make. But it is not just an adversary, right? Your differences make each other stronger.

And you usually get married because of your differences, and then you start resenting your differences. And you just need to always remember that those differences are why you got together in the first place, and they make you better. Yes. It takes a certain softness of heart, though, to realize that. It took me seven years to realize.

Seven years. But it's like, dang, she's giving me this feedback because she loves me. She's selflessly. Did you remember that last night? Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. But it wasn't until I started Jiu-Jitsu, that I understood this concept of like taking something that the other person is giving you

and turning it into something else. That's a good metaphor. We have 20 of these to get through. You're next. Sometimes you just got to let things go I should learn this I should work on this It says

Don't sweat the small stuff all the time It can be helpful to just let the little things go And not blow it up into something bigger Than it needs to me Yes I will work on it You have anything to add there No

Move on Okay number four Number four is for you. Body language can speak louder than words. You can be saying one thing with your body, and your body language be saying another thing. Yes. What?

My body language is chill. My tone sometimes. Same thing. Same thing. I'm still confused about this one. We got to work on, we need a lesson in tone. Okay.

No, that's fine. I would still tell myself that on our wedding day, and I'd tell myself that right now. What? Body language, you can speak louder than words. Also, Sean didn't really care about the words you say.

It's only just about how you say it. So you could say, goobitigabagabagabag. It's like talking to Nash. As long as you use a high-pitch, happy tone. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah.

But also, if you say the wrong words, she'll remember it for decades. So that's... So will you. Okay. Next, marriage is so worth fighting for. This is exactly what I was saying. Today's world is hard because it can be tempting for people to just throw in the towel when the going gets tough.

But creating something that will last is so beautiful and it is worth the work. I promise. Are you the type of person that can stay married? I should phrase that. What? What do you mean? Well, we mentioned this the other day that we read people who were surveyed and were, considering divorce, when surveyed again five years later, they were very happy.

They were in the upper quartile of happy couples, right? Cortile? Yeah, 25%, 25%. Meaning there are going to be phases in any relationship always. So push through them, right? Yeah. And then, because if you get divorced for whatever reason, sorry, there are reasons. There are.

but if you're like, oh, I just, I'm not happy because of this feeling. That too will pass. You might get married to another person, and then inevitably there will be another conflict that you're like, okay, so are you the type of person that can just do that? Also, I hesitate to say that because we've been married nine years. We have a long run ahead of us, you know. You better buckle up.

I know, but I'm just. I'm just saying... You're not getting out of this one. I'm just saying we've made it nine years. We've not made it until one of us has kicked the bucket. In 90 years. That's right. Anyway, next.

Let's summarize a few of these, because these are great. Some seasons will be hard. We've reiterated this in many different ways. You will go through valleys and lows, and it is a roller coaster. But if you can persevere through that, the benefit and the reward is so much greater than having to start over. The depth of connection and of love gets so amplified in those tough times. Yeah.

Number seven, it's okay to need personal space. Andrew. Hey, I give you personal. I love you. I'm like, I'm a golden retriever. I just need to be attached to you all the time. You get your workout in. Sean, I'll do my workout at 5.30 because that's the only time I can.

And then sometimes she'll just like peek out there. And then I'm like in the middle of hard exercises. She's trying to have this conversation. And then she'll be offended when I'm like, hey, can we do this later? Oh, I'm sorry you have a wife that just wants to spend time with you all the time. All the time. All the time. All the time.

Okay. Number eight, managing expectations is key. Manage your expectations and understand that your partner won't fulfill every need you have. I'm still learning this one. Expectations are a fickle, fickle compass. What is the right approach to this? Because in some ways, our conversations are expect less of me is what I'm saying to you. and you're like, no, I expect more,

I expect the most out of you. Exactly. And it's kind of this interesting dichotomy where my point is, I'm not perfect. Expect me to let you down, you know? Expect me to let you down. But I'm not, I'm going to do everything I can to not.

You know what I'm saying? So how do we communicate? I think you're saying this in a very odd way that people can misconstrue. Okay. I think when you say words, It's like, expect me to fail. Expect me to let you down.

I understand it. You're saying, I will not be perfect. None of us will be. But how you say it leaves room to justify mistakes. Instead of acknowledging that your spouse expects a lot from you because I believe so much in you. 100%. So it would do you a disservice,

and it would do a spouse a disservice, to say, I don't expect anything from you. Because that is, in a way, in my mind, communicating, I don't have standards for you. I agree with you. Honestly, I'm struck by how much of a problem. parallel this is to the Christian concept of saved by grace and not work, where it's like, you don't need works, but they're good.

I think different words than grace is like, I have such high standards for you. Yeah. I will always give you grace and I will always work to have grace when things happen. But that will never change that you and I have high standards for each other. I think I've grown to appreciate high standards. because that's sharpened me as a man. Yeah, I don't know any way around it. I don't know.

It's sometimes I don't like it though. And I think the expectation thing though is goes back to the fulfillment where it's like, I cannot fulfill your every need. So expect me to not, you know? And I understand the expectations when it comes to fulfilling my needs. I think where you and I differ in our conversations around this. is I have high expectations and standards for you when it comes to like parenting

in your potential, in your, it's more so that. I can work on like executing not having such high expectations to like fulfill any need that I have because that's a personal thing that's not on you. But my standards, I don't feel like would, respect you if I lower them in regards to your potential. I appreciate that. Yeah.

And that's one thing I love about our marriage is you ruthlessly expect high things from me, big things from me, in a great way. Because you are a boss. But I'm trying to think of a better way to say this. It's almost like it's my fault of letting you down are my problem. Your grace for those problems or your expectation is your problem. is your problem. For sure.

So then we both have problems that then... But I also think maybe within communication this is something everyone can work on too is understanding and we've learned this

in another podcast. I can't remember who it was with. I don't know. My expectations, my standards, and maybe this is where you're having the conversation of like expect less

is my expectations and my standards have nothing to do with your value. Okay. So like if you were to do Nothing. Even with my high standards, high expectations, that does not change your value as a husband and a father and a spouse. We should try that out. Let's see what happened. I'm not. If you would like. No, no, I don't. I don't. I actually don't want that at all. That does feel a little unhealthy that you would be like actively choosing that. Okay. But you see what I mean. Yes. Next. Don't.

Let's let resentment creep in. This is number nine. If something is bothering you, nip it in the bud early on and talk about it. Same goes for holding a grudge. Talk about it so you can let it go. Time and intimate relationships. We learned this from Carl Pilamer, 30 Lessons on Living. And intimate relationships, time does not heal.

In most scenarios, it'll actually drive a deeper wedge. Yeah. So. Work on it. That goes for like, actively. Yeah. Now. Peace.

So we just did this huge counseling thing we've mentioned before. The big takeaway was peace is up to you, right? We're able to achieve peace, I think, through faith. And it's not what happens to you, it's how you respond to it. And if no matter what happens, if it's something that does merit resentment, it's your choice still where you're like, okay no I'm kind of like working through life and I'm not letting anything stick to me I'm kind of just viving through life jujitsu you know what I'm saying it's like okay all right we're

gonna roll off this one take it off the chin freaking go for it next thing I have one go ahead I read this and I say I think about like our counseling and everything we've learned and like it's a choice resentment is a choice and I think it's a practice and it's a practice of the opposite to keep resentment out. And I don't know why this made you think of it, but back in gymnastics, my coach taught me this practice,

training regimen thing where he would give me an assignment. He would say, before you go to bed, I want you to close your eyes in bed, and I want you to picture yourself doing a beam routine, whatever. Picture yourself doing it perfectly. 10 times in a row. The second you start picturing a mistake,

you wipe the slate clean and have to start over. And I think what surprised me, what surprised you guys if you try this, is it is so difficult to picture yourself doing something perfectly. And your body naturally, in your mind naturally, I think because of society in the world,

wants to think about the flaws, the mistakes, the negativity, the what-ifs and you start spiraling down a black hole and it becomes this like practice of mental strength to stay on the positive side and I think with the resentment

I think it's an active practice of like if you start having negative thoughts in your mind towards your spouse stop it like catch it mid-sentence and wipe it clean be like uh-uh we're not going there does that make sense? Yeah I love it I still think you need to talk about things

yes but you should not let yourself and our council even told me this. She's like, you should not be letting yourself lay in bed and stew over, I can't believe he said this, I can't believe he did this.

How could he, like, that, nothing good comes of that. A couple thoughts. That was great. One, this almost deserves us online, but there are simultaneously wonderful traits about you and frustrating traits about you.

Like what, Andrew? Resentment happens, I think, when you fixate or ruminate on the negative case about you. That's what I was saying. It's an active choice. What are you going to think about?

Right. And it is a mental discipline to focus on the positive things. And it doesn't come, this is part B to what I'm thinking. It doesn't come from in ignorance or being aloof

or detached or apathetic. No. Like that ability to tap into peace or focus on the positive. It comes from I think a healthy detachment might be a good way to put it. It's a prioritization of realizing Sean doesn't have the top seat. As far as human relationships, top seat, yes. But as far as

as far as what my source of value comes from, it's not the top seat. So that that becomes a really important thing where it's like you're able to say, okay, she might not respond the way I want or two. She might not give me the love languages I need right now when I need. them but I still feel loved because the top seat is taken. Next. We got to skim-do. I know. Some people may be negative about marriage. I want to summarize this in one thing. This episode is brought to you by IQ Joe, our exclusive coffee sponsor. IQ mushroom coffee is the delicious low sugar brain and body fuel you need to win your day. Okay, you guys know Andrew takes his morning coffee very seriously. Like it's basically a

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That's right. With thousands of five-star reviews and counting, more people than ever are upgrading their mornings with IQ Joe coffee designed to support focus and energy. And right now, IQ Joe is offering our special podcast listeners 20% off plus free shipping to get your 20% off. Text East Fam to 64,000. That's text East Fam to 64,000. That's ESFAM to 64,000 message and data rates apply. See terms for details. We were given a wonderful piece of advice that I feel like you and I do really well on.

And you have to like commit to it. But the day you get married, you should start before then. The day you get married, never talk about your spouse negatively. To your inner circle. To your inner circle. Like to anybody. You shouldn't be telling you. Yeah, yeah.

That's fair. That's fair. And I think it's because of the world likes to talk negatively about marriage and they like to rag and like it becomes cool to be like, oh, I can't believe. No. Because the world will take the negative side. Don't do that. Don't open yourself up to other people talking negatively about your spouse too.

Don't do it. Yeah, which goes to another one, which is having a good community is so helpful. Someone who's pro your relationship, pro you ultimately. And sometimes that can look like a different advocate, if you will. Like if someone's advocating on behalf of your well-being that might look different than someone advocating on behalf of the relationships well-being. Hopefully they're in line, right, aligned. But not having someone who identifies the negative traits in your spouse or amplifies

and is a yes man for all of the negative things that you might be feeling or experiencing is so helpful, right? If I go to a friend, I say, man, Sean and I are struggling, I just can't figure out how to communicate this to her and she seems to get upset. And she's like, I can't believe she would respond like that. Yeah.

Then that's not the type of good community we're talking about. Or if they start saying like, oh, this is why I don't get married. Or like, no, none of that is good. Don't let them get to you. You have to protect your marriage at all costs. Yep, that's good. Try to be that type of friend that fights for other people.

Like, be a good source of wisdom and level-headedness. Next, make time for intimacy. Hey-A. Hey, hey, hey, hey. After the honeymoon phase ends and you introduce kids in the mix or careers or travel, whatever, it can be hard to keep intimacy as a priority, but keep making time for each other. We did a whole episode on intimacy.

Y'all loved it because you thought we were just going to talk about sex the whole time. But intimacy talks about emotional intimacy, really getting to know the essence of who Sean is, who my wife is, and the physical aspect certainly is. And investing time in your day, no matter how difficult it is, to like invest into intimacy of some kind so that making time for physical intimacy is not difficult. Yes. Like you have to build both emotional and physical intimacy all the time. Which brings us to our next, which is emotional connection is so important. In order to physically connect, you first need to be emotionally connected, connected in order to, I think, optimize the physical connection. Which takes active effort and time.

Yes. When you're exhausted at the end of the day and you've been catering to kids and work and you're touched out and talked out. No. Your spouse is your priority. Don't drain your tank every single day so that you can't even have a conversation with your spouse. sometimes it will feel like a sacrifice that I'll need to stop whatever I'm doing. And like, you know, I don't really feel cuddly. It's not that I don't want to hang with you.

It's just I don't really feel cuddly. Like sometimes Sean needs it. Other times I need it and it's a sacrifice for her. It's great. Next, sometimes one person will give more than the other. It's unrealistic for both partners to give 100% of themselves to marriage every day. In some seasons, one person may be struggling and the other person may need to carry the weight. and then at some point that'll switch.

In so many different aspects, financially, emotionally, physically, just in every different category of life, you both are going to be probably on the opposite ends of the spectrum. And it's your job as a spouse to support them in that. Yeah.

Someone used a term, someone's going to be the kite. Someone's going to be the kite holder. And it's going to switch at some point, but just playing that role can be really, helpful. Our relationship is ebdom flows in so many different ways. The other note I had on this one is give 100% of whatever you got left, right? So that's important. And also claiming 100% of

whatever fault that you have or whatever mistakes, your 1% of an issue claim 100% of the 1%. That makes sense. Yeah. Next, stay friends as best as you can. I think it's hard sometimes. This says just like keep the fun alive, enjoy spending time together, talk about your day like you would with a friend. You should be best friends and spouses and partners and roommates and like you're all these things. But make sure you're actively being friends. Treat each other with the same generosity or philanthropy as you would a friend, right? Not layer it with all the resentment of I can't believe she did this or I'm annoyed or her for this. Next, never stop dating each other. At first, it can feel easy to make times for dates,

those early years in our marriage. That was the case. But as life moves on, time gets committed to harder to prioritize each other. So keep fighting for it. Sean and I do weekly date nights on Thursday night. We try to have an activity with a meal and it's undistracted time. Sometimes, like after we had our third kid, it was sitting down for an hour. of silent dinner. Yeah. Because we were not vibing. But we were together.

Yeah. And we were giving it a chance and showing each other that we were giving it a chance. Mm-hmm. And still there for each other, even though that looked different. Kind of stemming off of that.

Number 17, it's okay to ask for help. I did say you don't want to talk negatively about your spouse to your inner circle or to anyone out. The asterisk there is, it's okay to ask for help. Counseling, Therapy, mentors. When you hit rough patches, which you will, that's normal and totally fine. Ask for help.

Go get someone to help you navigate through those rough waters instead of trying to say like, oh, it'll just get better sometimes. Like, ask for help. All right, we have something really fun to share today and honestly something we've been working on behind the scenes for a very long time. Yes, our book, The Courage to Commit, officially comes out on June 9th, which still feels crazy to say out loud. But starting now, we're opening up pre-orders, and we wanted to do something special for anyone who orders early. That's right. So here's the deal. If you pre-order the book, anytime between now and June 9th, you'll unlock access to a private video series that we created just for pre-order readers. And this isn't just about random bonus content. There are exclusive

videos where we're sharing stories that didn't fully make it into the book, behind-the-scenes conversations, about writing it in deeper talks around some of the biggest themes we cover. Yeah, there were so many moments while writing the book that we'd look at each other and go, wait, that's a whole story on its own. And so this video series is kind of where those stories get to live. We are so proud of how this book turned out, and we are so excited to get it into your hands and to get your feedback. And we also wanted this to feel really tangible. Like if you're committing to pre-ordering the book, we wanted to give you something meaningful right away that adds value before the book even arrives in June. So here's how it works. You pre-order the courage to commit wherever you normally buy

books. Then head to the book landing page. Submit your receipt. And once that's verified, you'll get access to the exclusive video series. That's right. And you can find the book landing page at The Courage to Commit.com. And just to be clear, this video series is only available to people who pre-order before June 9th.

So if you're thinking about getting the book anyway, this is definitely the time to do it. We are so grateful for everyone who supports this project. Writing this book stretched us in ways we didn't expect and being able to share these extra stories with you feels really special. Again, the book is called The Courage to Commit. It releases June 9th. And if you pre-order now,

you'll get access to our exclusive bonus video series, all the details and redemption steps are on the book landing page at the courage to commit.com. All right. Let's get back to the episode. Yeah, and I think the difference between asking for help

and gossiping or venting is the intention behind it where it's like, if you're asking for help, the intention is to yield the relationship in whatever way it's been broken. If you're venting, it's just... You want someone on your team

to take your side. Yeah, it's like a personal... Yeah. I want to feel personally better about this or personally affirmed in my frustration. Yeah. Not the same thing. 18.

You're a team when you leave the altar. I think this is a lesson we had to learn over time a little bit, but it's like leave and cleave to a certain extent is how I interpret that. Yeah. Like you become each other's number ones, not your parents, not your spouses, not your best friend anymore. All of them take a backseat to your spouse. And you have to remember that.

not your parents not your siblings and you said spouses not your spouse's not your siblings not your parents not your best friends your best friends your spouse is your number one yeah and it's a really beautiful thing when that team make or the team dynamic is tapped into 19

make time to dream together talk about your hopes and dreams as a couple it's a great way to have a common goal to work towards, yeah, there's like a little excitement and energy. Sean and I do our goal setting. We've talked endlessly about it. You can check out previous episodes to learn more about that. But that is such a fun time for us to see what each of us are aiming for.

Like what the kind of North Star is. It's fun. Last one. Most important, maybe? Yep. Keep showing up. Keep showing up. There's so much power and simply showing up.

That one That one hits harder now than I think it did Yeah, we've been through some rough patches bro Yeah Keep showing up That's good I'm gonna have five seconds of silence Just thinking about that

Join me Not for real, that's pretty nuts Happy late Valentine's Day Love Love This is fun to talk about I love you I love you darling What a fun nine years

here's to the next nine years. And if you made it this far, please let us know what you thought of this episode. Did we miss any? What would you tell yourself on your wedding day? It's really funny.

If you think about you sharing your comment, maybe somebody else reads that and is encouraged, or they needed to hear that. You know what you should do? What? Just in the next, I would say this year,

I want to write each of our children a letter of like what we wish we would have told ourselves on our wedding day. what we want to tell them on their wedding day now as they're like kids. I like that. That's sweet. I actually did an exercise with Matt writing a letter to myself on our wedding day.

I love that. And my buddy's not married yet. He wrote a letter to himself on his wedding day. I like that. It was kind of cool to see we read each other's letters. Anyway, also if you made it this far, please subscribe to the show. Leave it a rating. Hit the thumbs up, whatever you got to do, whatever platform you listen to.

Also, link to the discount code for Beam Kids. It's still live. It's in the show. notes down below. And I think we mentioned a couple books and we'll try to add the Amazon storefront that organizes our favorite books. So check those out too. Thanks for listening. See you next week. I'm Andrew. I'm Sean.