Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 319 | are we getting bored of each other? | marriage ruts

Episode Date: July 15, 2026

Does every relationship eventually hit a rut? Is it normal to get bored, feel disconnected, or just settle into routine? In this episode, we're talking honestly about the seasons every relationship goes through- why they happen, how to recognize them, and what has helped us stay connected through the "funks." Whether you've been married for a few months or a few decades, we hope this conversation reminds you that you're not alone. A huge thank you to our sponsors! 🧼 Branch Basics: Get 15% off the Premium Starter Kit at www.https://BranchBasics.com with code EASTFAM. After you purchase, when they ask where you heard about them, be sure to mention Couple Things! 🧻 Goodwipes: Give your booty a Scentsational Summer! Buy any two packs of Goodwipes at your favorite retailer, text them your receipt, and you'll be reimbursed almost immediately for one of them. For all the details, head to www.https://goodwipes.com/EASTFAM to snag a free pack of Goodwipes. (00:00) the fear of your spouse getting bored of you (03:30) marriage isn't always a rom-com (05:00) what "boredom" means to different people (07:45) a funk vs. true boredom (15:30) accepting what won't change vs. choosing to grow (20:20) life isn't boring, but seasons can affect engagement (28:40) building trust through seasons of “boredom” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

No, that's not a good thing when we're in a funk. I don't like the funk. I feel the funk. So how do you get out of it? Do you ever get bored with me? How are we going to make this get back on track, you know? What's up, everybody? Welcome back to a couple things.

With Sean and Andrew. Today's topic should be another interesting one. It is titled, Do you ever get bored with each other? The inspo for this actually came from many of your comments that we've seen in YouTube and on Instagram. I think a lot of people are like, is it normal to feel bored in a relationship? What would your answer be? I think I probably have, again, a different perspective to this. Okay.

What's your perspective? I am sure it's probably normal and you go through phases of boredom. But I would say I've never gotten bored with you in our personal relationship. I'm always afraid. You are bored with me. You're afraid? You have that fear? All the time.

Really? Yeah. Why? Because of phases. But, okay, interesting. If you never get bored with me, why would you assume that I get bored with you? Because I would probably define the phases of marriage that we've gone through,

where it's, like, more stagnant as being, in my mind, I write the reason being that you're like bored with me. I'm sorry, babe. I don't feel bored with you. Yeah. I don't think I've ever gotten bored too. Fascinating. Then I wonder what causes stagnant phases.

I do as well. What do you mean by stagnant, I guess? where connection is not as good see those are not boring phases to me that when the connection is not good it's not boring you know what I'm saying it is exciting in a how we're going to make this get back on track you know then how would you answer that question do you ever get bored with me huh I think I know what this person's asking. Like, no, I've never felt bored in our relationship. But I understand where that person's coming from as far as like, oh, well, there's this day to day that we're living.

And it's like, are we engaged with the thing? Do you ever feel not engaged with the thing? What's the thing? Us. You know? And do you feel that? No. I don't feel that.

Do you? No. Good. I like that. Yeah, so this was an audience, audience question. We get it a lot. I feel like, I don't know, when I first saw this,

yeah, now that I'm pondering the topic a little more, I guess I'm understanding it differently, and especially having your perspective on it. But I think it's a fair question. And we know we've been together for 13 years. we have three kids we have a full life it does not feel like life is boring you know what I'm saying but I will say that marriage doesn't always look like some you know romantic movie or a romcom type movie and I don't think it's realistic to expect there to be this like uh overwhelming

sense of like joyful passion towards each other every second of the day. But that doesn't mean that boredom has to mean that something is wrong. I actually think that in some ways the sign that you're comfortable, in some ways it's a sign you're safe, you're content, and you might just be ready for new different ways to grow. I mean, we talk about this in the book where the monotonous middle when our kids ask or tell us mom on board, what do we say to them?

It's a good thing. Why? Because it's not always supposed to be exciting. Yeah, and I would say like creativity right around the corner or like imaginations right around the corner or like some, there's something nice about boredom. There's something good about it. I don't think feeling lukewarm is good in a relationship. like, I feel so-so about a relationship.

That's not what I'm saying. But like if you're just waking up saying, oh, today feels similar to yesterday, I would actually say that's maybe a good thing. But if the person is asking, like, boredom sets in, you're missing some, like, exciting connection, you're missing exciting experiences. How do you keep that from going to so-so?

This is fascinating. I'm going to just say this. I think boredom is, is an unspecific, unhelpful, too ambiguous word. I think it like doesn't, it does not describe anything. I would say instead of a kid saying, I feel bored, it's like, oh, hey, there's nothing readily available for me to do. You know what I'm saying?

That's what that feeling of boredom is. I think when this person maybe, or when we've heard people talk about boredom and relationship, it's like, I feel unconnected, maybe, or I feel monotonous. And I think whatever that usage of boredom is for you is probably going to be different than other people. And I think it's important to specify what you mean by boredom in a way that's like, oh, yeah, okay, well, oh, I don't feel connected.

Now I have something that I am like striving towards, like whether it be through date nights or something else. It's like boredom just doesn't describe anything, you know? In the context of this podcast and the way someone has asked the question with boredom, so whether they're referring to disconnected or bland or not exciting or unintentional or quiet, whatever it is, what would you say is the antidote? Well, let's try to be specific with how I'm interpreting this person using boredom in marriage. I feel like early on in a relationship, things feel new.

you have you know first dates first vacations there's all these first milestones first house whatever first time at the park maybe just moved to a new city that's fun but then over time there's routines that set in or just like time compounds and that can either be a beautiful thing you can either be compounding towards something that you're wanting or compounding unintentionally And so I think bored doesn't necessarily mean that you've fallen in a funk or out of love. It means that sometimes there's seasons that life can be predictable or that there's no new, new shiny thing that's happening, you know? That's how I'm understanding boredom is like today feels similar to yesterday.

So by your definition, when have you felt this in our relationship? I have, there's no time that comes to mind. Interesting. What about you? I, I think I'm confused on the, on the definition. Yeah. Have you ever felt like there's been seasons where we've been more, people say the roommate phase where I feel like we're two ships past in the night,

or maybe it's, you just feel more like teammates or in our case like coworkers, or any of those things more than lovers? Yeah. Do you call that boredom though? No, I would say it's a funk. So what, one is, how do you prioritize those things I just listed, teammates because we are,

roommates because we are, co-parents, because we are, what's the right order of things that makes it not a funk? You know what I'm saying? You know, it's funny. I feel like over the last few years we've become those people who flip out over every label. We really have food, skin care. And then one day we look at the cleaning products under our sink

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lovers or best friends first? I would say yes. And I'd say when that gets deprioritized by coworkers and roommates and then marriage, starts to feel different. Because isn't it how you start, which is like I choose you to be, yeah, my spouse for the rest of my life, wouldn't you hope that that stays the priority? Well, spouse is also a role. I would also love to do a podcast all about marriage rules, but like spouse is a role.

But I think you and I's marriage is. when we're not in a funk, it's like we're best friends. And it feels like we're best friends. You know what I'm saying? And when we are in a funk, you would say what? It feels like we're more of one of the other things than that, any of the other things. But I think different marriages... And do you think that's a bad thing?

Or is that normal in a necessity? Well, first of all, I'll say different marriages, maybe probably, different roles like that or like when you're in a funk it's not the same as when we are meaning maybe one couples in a in the sweet spot when they are prioritizing co-parenting more or when they are prioritizing I don't know business together more so but I think for us it is a friendship thing and I would say you know that's not a good thing when we're in a funk. I don't like the funk.

I feel the funk. So how do you get out of it? I think you just have to assume that you will, first of all. I think you have to make whatever effort you need to to get out of it, whether that's an apology or whether that's remembering or, I don't know, speaking to a love language, I think you have to like build the bridge from your side. And then if that doesn't work, you keep building bridges. I don't think silence helps.

I don't think holding a grudge back, an unspoken, like issue or a hurt back helps. I think you have to own your side of it, make whatever amends you need to. and then build the bridge. What do you think? I feel like a lot of our followers have asked questions before where it comes with like our last podcast, this idea of things just wouldn't change.

And that's how people spiral out of relationships or build resentments. How do you separate the topics of, well, this just won't change. I'm bored with this. I don't want to do this anymore. and actively changing. Like if it's, if it is a rut, how do you change that?

I would say, I'm bored with this is more of a me problem. Because that means you're not engaged. A relationship is not a boring thing. There are issues. There are joys. There are inside jokes. There are shared memories. There are a million things that make it not boring.

It's like the least boring thing in the world. there's parts of you or the other person left unexplored so I think if it's a I'm bored thing that's a you problem I think if it's a

I don't want to deal with this anymore it's a together problem of like that's an issue a harmful habit that you have that yeah I'm having a hard time putting up with

but yeah, I would separate those two things. Distractability is such an issue in our world these days. How do you keep from getting into a bored state or a funk state and a relationship and saying, you know what, this is more exciting, my friends are more exciting, my work is more exciting, how do you keep yourself from prioritizing the exciting things in life versus addressing the boring or monotonous heart or feel? phase you're in in a marriage. Because I feel like it's so easy to get in a funk and a marriage and say, you know what,

I'm going to go hang out with my girls. And I'm going to go to more workouts and I'm going to spend time with the kids more instead of like addressing the issues. And it'll pass at some point. Doesn't that actually just build the issue? I think. Because if you surround yourselves with enough distraction, you never have to address it. there's a dishonesty there do you think your people are able to like be self-aware of that

is this a leading question i would say the only time you're bored in marriage is if you're not engaged so like yeah if i'm just as owned out with a non-human i.e. like a screen then you're bored i think if you're seeking for if you're seeking distractions uh i think it's not bored i think it's not bored I think if you're noticing the other person seeking distractions, it's not boring because you're like, okay, well, is there a problem here? Maybe there is. Maybe there isn't. I think if it's a, if it's understanding that, you know what, there's a lot of different things to balance in life. Marriage and like maintaining an aura of friendship is one, parenting, work, friends, hobbies, passions, you know, extended family, neighbors, serving others in the community.

Yeah, I guess it almost goes back to the generous interpretation of things. But yeah. Interesting. Yeah. But anyway, I do feel like there have been seasons in our life, whether it be a new kid on the way or really, I feel like the kids were a tough time in our understanding of each other, maybe the hardest time. But it's like you could just feel like teammates.

Maybe it's a busy work season. but you can get stuck in rhythms where you're both just doing tasks. You're more engaged with the tasks than the person. Again, that just doesn't feel like boring to me. You know what I'm saying? I think you're just hyper-fixating on the word and not liking the word,

which we've done podcast on before. I think using the interpretation of boredom as funk, because you can read the question that the follower has asked and said, like, do you ever get bored with each other? I think it's more like this. Do you ever have a hard time with each other, honestly? Okay. Let's start part two of the podcast, and I'm down for that.

Yes. The answer is yes. No, I just, I think, yeah, I think boredom is probably not a word in our vocabulary, because life is not ever boring. I mean, we were at dinner last night, sitting at dinner at our table. And I think we cleaned up two or three spills, change one diaper, had to go refill one plate, go totally reface another one. But it's not boring. It's not boring.

But I will say I have felt phases before where your engagement and excitement towards your friends was not the same as me. So that's where that fear comes in of like, I'm just not it. What do you mean? You're not it. I think we have gone through phases before where like you're, when we're in like our best, best friend phase, we become each other's like sounding board. We confide in each other. And we have gone through phases before where like I was not that for you.

It was your best friends. like your guy friends or the excitement towards like being with your guy friends was different than home which is fine but it's like how how do you get through those seasons is it just a waiting game or is it like does the person feeling that have to actively change i would say don't confuse excitement with prower You know what I'm saying? Meaning, like in those phases, prioritizing friends over marriage.

Is that what you're saying? No. Don't excite, don't confuse the fact that like, oh my gosh, I'm so hyped to go hang with my buddy with, well, why aren't you that hyped to always, why are you not always that hype to spend time with me?

And that being a, interpretation of he's more he's prioritizing his friend over me that's just not acknowledging the complications that i mean we are we are a lot of things to each other my friend is sometimes just my friend you know what i'm saying and that's simple that's a that is a simple relationship i think in our relationship is like oh dang um yeah we really, we shared this huge one. I mean, in New York City, when we got the call for New York Times bestseller,

we were simultaneously like experiencing this joy. No, it was a celebration. We had a moment of celebration for doing that thing that we both worked for. And then there's also complications of the sleep situation with the kids and on the co-parenting side of things. You know what I'm saying? So it's like, that's a complicated deal.

And we prioritized the kids over that celebration, right? We did the kids thing and then we found ourselves in the bathroom, popping a bottle of champagne after everything was settled after that. And it was like not some, it was not the broadest, biggest manifestation of the celebration that it could have been. But it's because it was not as much of the priority. So it's just like complicated. Does that make sense? What are your thoughts on that?

I think I agree with it. Do you feel like I should always be hyped to see you? Now I'm trying to rephrase the question, the original question, do you ever feel bored with each other? You interpret it as are you ever in a funk? I'm saying, should you always be hyped to be with the other person? No, you don't need to be. That is my natural desired state.

but I don't get nervous when I'm not feeling that way. Yeah, I think that's a me thing. I'm not saying it's an anyone's thing. No, I'm just saying, I think it's a me thing. Oh, you do think I should always be hyped to see you. No, I'm saying it's a me thing that it's even an issue. What's an issue? The...

No, I'm nervous now. The what? The fear of you being bored. Maybe that's just... strictly a me issue. And so maybe, like you said, boredom is not a thing in a relationship. Maybe it's either, yeah, maybe it's just engaged or not engaged? Maybe. I don't know. That's how, that's how I'm defining it. And I think I can be engaged with you, my wife, and not be like, not dab you up like I do my friends. You know what I'm saying?

But are you saying you have always been engaged in our marriage? Because if you're defining boredom as being engaged or not engaged, would you argue that you've been engaged and not engaged? I think we've been pretty engaged in our marriage. Then what would you define funks as? So there is something here as far as like boredom. Yeah, I love this. A funk is like, we're engaged as all of the roles that I mentioned,

teammates, co-parents, coworkers, spouses, lovers, friends. But maybe the order is out of whack. I think you can be fully engaged and in a funk. I think you could also be not engaged and in a funk. I don't think you can have the everything prioritized. Like we have implicitly decided, which is the friendship thing is the most important to us, which I am fully on board with.

But it's interesting to say that out loud. I don't think we can have those things in line and being a funk. I think that's right. Have you been engaged or not engaged? I don't think so. I think we've been pretty engaged. Like Sean and I will have, yeah, if we're in a funk,

I think we're always engaged in trying to get out of the funk. And maybe sometimes that means going to, yeah, yeah, that's interesting. What? Like, maybe it means getting space and whatever sense. What do you mean? Like, if we're in a, oh my gosh, this funk has lasted. for weeks. Yeah, maybe it's a good thing for you to go out and see friends. You know what I'm saying? But let's just talk about what boredom, however you're defining that, can teach you.

I think it's like, I actually think it can be a gift and that they're, sorry, if you're like experiencing times where there is monotony, let's divine boredom like that, then I think there's peace in knowing that your partner is there and not going anywhere. I think you should always have that trust that's kind of what makes marriage unique is like yeah they're not going anywhere so i can voice these things i could share these things i don't need to hold on to these things or be scared of these things because my partner's always going to be there and i think that bored i'm going to teach you that if you feel restless it can be a cue to try to i don't know spark new curiosity in ways with your spouse

or try something new, I don't think the answer is to give up or look for someone who's more exciting that feels hilarious to even think about. Because it's like, I think simultaneously people can be equally boring as they could be exciting depending on how engaged with the thing you are. They could be equally frustrating or wonderful and hilarious or quirky, depending on how you're viewing it. So anyway, I also think that knowing every relationship has seasons is helpful. And sometimes there's like the hype to see each other. Sometimes there's the, you're in the sweet spot and not in the funk. Sometimes there's a feeling of ordinary mundane. But I think if you're in it

for the long haul, I can all be good. You know, so what do you think helps us get out of the I think for us our date nights help because for us they're like immovable and it gives us another chance to do something. I think maybe getting out of a route would be trying something new for date night, not the consistent same thing or asking new questions to each other.

I think that's a big one. Going on adventures where we can get, I don't want to say get rid, but really put on pause all those other roles that you play and trying to like reprioritize and reshuffle and realign all of the roles in the right way. Yeah, just give it a little space or like we use the term white space. Just being able to step out of the battlefield, you know, as I say,

and view things from a more removed standpoint. But I also think maybe sometimes appreciating the others, differences in individuality can help in certain ways too. And so there is like not the expectation or the pressure or the need to say you're the source of hypeness all the time. If you always want me to be hyped to see you, then there's this expectation that you're the source of hypeness kind of. Whereas Andrew being hyped. I'm not saying that's like the goal of marriage, but that could come from going to see friends

or learning something new or going on an adventure. And then when I see you, I am hyped. Right? Does that make sense? So anyway, some encouragement. If you're ever bored, just know that there's nothing wrong. You're not broken.

You're human. And I think it's worth thinking about that word and digging into it a little bit. But there's nothing wrong. It's not like a scary thing. Also, love is not constant novelty. It's about showing up again and again. We talk about this a lot, how every day you have another chance. Try different techniques, strategies, love languages to see if you can get out of the funk,

or boredom you're in. That's right. And sometimes being bored just means that your your growth is right around the corner. So, buckle up, baby. Curious to hear your guys' thoughts on this.

What? No, I'm saying. That was an interesting, I don't know if we actually addressed the original, it was interesting to try to understand what they meant by bored. What I really think about that.

What do you mean? when you say you're bored. It's also revealing to hear your definition. Same to you. Yeah. But that's all we got. Thanks for listening. I'm Andrew.