Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 32 Dealing with the miscarriage

Episode Date: August 19, 2020

Today in episode 32 of Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew, we’re bringing you the next part in a mini series all about our relationship. We started with a conversation about trying to get pregnant and miscarrying, and today, we’re talking through how our miscarriage affected our relationship. There’s no denying that miscarriage takes a toll on your relationship. So today, we talk through how it affected us, how we worked through our grief and our emotions, and how we knew we were ready to start trying to get pregnant again. If you haven’t yet, please rate Couple Things and subscribe to hear more. And if you have suggestions/recommendations for the show, send us your ideas in a video format – we might just choose yours! Email us at [e-mail]. ––– We’re supported by the following companies we love! Make sure to check them out using our links below. Care/of! Get 50% off your first with code COUPLETHINGS50 at checkout ▶ https://takecareof.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up, everybody? Welcome back to Couple Things with Sean and Andrew. A podcast all about couples and the things they go through. Thanks for coming back. If you haven't yet, please press the subscribe button. Yes, whatever platform we're listening on or watching on, subscribe and rate the show, please. This is a continuation of our miscarriage journey. weeks ago we posted all the events that went down and today we're going to be talking about

kind of how we digested that and how it affected our relationship today. I also wanted to give a quick update. So if you're noticing or kind of shifting around our schedule a little bit, we are going to be alternating interviews with other couples and then just podcast with us. So two weeks ago was the first one. It was last week that we had an interview, but I mean, it'll continue that way, if that makes sense. Yeah, some of you really love the interviews. Some of you really love just Sean and I, so we're kind of interchanging it and we're excited.

But the feedback that we got from this first episode of the miscarriage story was really fantastic. We've got hundreds of emails from some of you who have experienced that or have recently gone through this with a friend. And we love hearing your feedback. We love responding to those and including you and our prayer. so please continue to do that we are here the whole reason we're sharing this is so that we can help you through it maybe so yes so to give you a little recap of where we left off two weeks ago

we released the the first part of the miscarriage story which was kind of just telling you guys that back in 2017 the fall of um we were surprised to find out that we were pregnant um it was the greatest news with the most overwhelming terrifying scary news because we weren't planning on being parents yet we we want to be parents but that was just um on the plan quote unquote plan that we had for ourselves it was early yeah um we had about a week i personally had a week to digest the news i flew home to see andrew i told him and then it was the next morning i started bleeding a ton i had excruciating pain i was white in the face sweating vomiting something was wrong we went to the doctor only then to find out that i was miscarrying and

I think one of the hardest things I had to learn and digest at that moment was when we went to the doctor, he was the greatest, most, he was everything I needed in a doctor at that moment. He said, I need you to look at me and I need you to digest this and understand it and listen when I say it, but it's nothing that you did. You didn't, you know, eat the wrong thing. You weren't around the wrong people. It wasn't because you inhaled secondhand smoke. It wasn't like none of this.

It's not your fault. It happens. And one out of every three or four pregnancies, it's very, very common. And I remember, one, just feeling like I could bow my eyes out for a year listening to him say that, but I fought it back. Out of gratitude? Out of gratitude, but out of, it's almost like he knew exactly what I was feeling,

that he even had to say it. But I felt so much guilt. And this is something I tried to articulate in the last, in the first part, I think one of the hardest things a woman goes through when they miscarry is this feeling, this innate feeling of, you know, we're women and we're supposed to carry children. You know, I'm not saying that's everyone's purpose in life,

but it's like our bodies are made to carry children. And when I got pregnant, I felt like it was my role as your wife, as the mother of this unborn child to take care of them. Or it or who, he, she, whatever. We never found out. And when I miscarried, I felt like I had failed at being a mom. And I felt like I failed you.

And I felt like it was the poor decisions I made in my diet or the diet pills I took or the anorexia I struggled with or, you know, all of these mistakes and things that I went through prior, I felt like caused this, that it might be karma or that it might, whatever. I just was going down a dark path and to have him look me in the eyes and say, it's not your fault felt like the weight was taken off but yet it made me think about it more it was crazy that I really hadn't put that much thought into is when you just said we'd never find out the gender that's I mean we went through our whole our whole pregnancy with drew not finding out the gender and then it just hit me that we didn't find out the gender for that baby and it it humanized

the whole thing because I mean as a husband I'm a little more removed from the actual like like pregnancy process and you are but the purpose of today's episode is to talk about how the grieving process went for us and um the unique thing about miscarriages especially when they happen early on is it's not like it's not like having a baby where you get maternity leave or you know time to deal with the emotions and this change in life there's no postpartum period. It's like you jump back into life. Right. And I don't know if you remember, but it was two days after you had the miscarriage that we, you had to speak at like this huge golf event down in Mississippi. It was a women's empowerment event, which was even harder. Right. And they're like

there, you're, you're supposed to get up on stage and like, you know, prevent this or give this inspiring speech. And, you know, not everybody's giving speeches, but a lot of people have to just show up to work the next day or that week and that's so hard because it's such an emotional thing as you've shared I feel like but then you just have to show up and act like everything's normal and really I don't know if you felt hesitation to share that you had a miscarriage it's not like something that you want to go around the office saying like oh like you seem a little down today what's wrong I just had a miscarriage you know what I'm saying oh no absolutely and I think that's why a lot of women are afraid to share is because one there's no

nothing you can do you know it's not like I can tell you what is going on and you fix it like there's nothing to fix it and there's really nothing to say and when a woman goes through that when I went through that I felt you know more pain and sadder than I ever had in my entire life but yet when I met all these women I didn't want to be like oh I had a miscarriage and just I didn't want to have to relive that pain with every single I'm sorry that someone would give me, even though that's what I needed. Even though that's how you heal is like having people hug you and hold you and tell you they're there for you. I didn't want that because I didn't want to feel the reality of what had happened. I didn't want to humanize the situation and make it seem bigger than what I

was trying to like shove down and compartmentalize. So going back to work, yeah, was hard i remember ander and i were you know we got off the plane and got into the hotel and i i started bawling again it was just this roller coaster of emotions of one minute i'd be so happy and we'd be you know our normal couple and then the next minute you'd look over and i'd have tears in my eyes and one was because of emotion and hormones and two was just because of i don't know how to act i didn't know how to grieve i didn't know if grieving i think that's one of the biggest misconceptions for a woman who goes through a miscarriage is I almost and this might sound bad but like I almost didn't know if I was allowed to grieve since it was so early on

does that make sense yeah like if if your sadness was justified or yeah or if someone would be like oh it doesn't even count you know I which is terrible like now thinking back the second I got pregnant, I felt a shift in my body, and I felt like a mom, but I didn't, I almost felt like if I told people how far along I was, they would almost laugh at me and be like, well, why are you grieving? And it was just, it was all these confusion, confusing emotions that I was trying to sift through and I didn't, I didn't know how to. Yeah. I do remember as the supporting cast during that time, and if you've recently experienced this I would love to hear how how you went through this if you were like the spouse but it was super difficult for me sorry not to no not to not to like

beg for empathy but I because I was more removed from it and you were so shook by it it was like this we were on different levels emotionally um and so i remember just like intentionally trying to give you space that you needed because you i mean it was a very volatile time for your emotions and there were a lot of things that you were feeling like that self-doubt or that insecurity or like you did something wrong but then another on the flip side of the things was it's that first pregnancy sparks in you a desire to have a kid right away and like you you were ready to try again immediately whereas I didn't know how to navigate it but I figured maybe a little bit of time would help digest you know well and that's where

it gets so confusing and that's where we had such a hard time which is where I think every couple has a hard time try to follow me at this okay okay i have a weird confusion of emotions and thoughts to share so just like you were trying to say it's really hard for the spouse to know how to help how to support because you don't go through it like the physical aspect right you don't have that like innate feeling that switches immediately because you feel like your body's pregnant so in one sense i was sitting there watching you be more removed rightfully so from the situation and seem a little more normal and a little happier and at certain times I would love it because it made me feel more normal and happier

and then at certain times it made me mad at you because I was like why aren't you sadder why aren't you more affected but flip that had you been sadder had you been more affected I would have probably felt more guilt. I would have liked it at times, but then been mad at you at times, which is, I think, just how it goes. And I was going through the same thing because I would go through these moments of feeling super affected,

and I'd be like, this is how I'm supposed to feel. And then I'd be like, no, you need to snap out of it. And this is, you know, a blessing that you could even get pregnant and you should be happy and, like, not happy for the loss, but just happy about creation. basically and then if you reverse that it's a confusion as well and then after we miscarried i wanted yes to try again and get pregnant as soon as possible because i didn't want to ever remember not being pregnant does that make sense no what a no since my mind had already switched

and since i had already had the thought of like we're going to have a baby i didn't like feeling vacant if that makes sense. I didn't like feeling the loss and I wanted to fill that void as soon as possible. I was ready. I was ready to nurture and help grow a human and I didn't want to feel that vacancy in my body for another second because it was painful. Was there any part of you that wanted to try again so quickly to see if you could have a pregnancy or you could carry out a pregnancy? Yes and no. I mean, again, that's another confusion with miscarriage and just the emotions is I didn't want to feel the vacancy. I didn't want to feel that pain of the loss.

So I wanted to be pregnant again. But yet, I didn't want to go through that again at all. So I was scared to try. And I remember you and I really struggled. A lot. Really struggled for six months to a year after. the miscarriage because it made everything in our relationship complicated. It made intimacy complicated because we, I, you know, you wanted to take a break from trying,

so you were encouraging birth control. And I took that offensively because I was like, how could you not want a child? And so I was being stubborn and not going back on birth control. And then I would get mad if you didn't want to be intimate. and it made everything complicated. Yeah, I mean, even with our conversations, there was kind of this gray cloud of like, because Sean wanted a kid so bad

and wanted to try again, that was all she wanted to talk about. And from my side, where I wanted to take a little break, it was like I didn't really want to have those conversations or it put me in an awkward position because, like, you'd be like, oh my gosh, you know, I saw a kid,

I saw a little baby today and it made me so excited and then I would like feel bad because ultimately I was going to dampen that excitement, you know what I'm saying? It was such a complicated time emotionally and I remember the reason that I

wanted to take a break from trying to have another kid was and I've heard that this is not an uncommon feeling but as soon as as soon as you told me the information we've we shared that it was like it wasn't pure excitement right no it was this fear absolutely

of inadequacy of oh my gosh this changes everything of you know there's just a lot of the right time yeah yeah i mean how am i going to be a parent i can't even get my stuff together in life i mean and also i think a lot of a lot of the uh perception that we intake from society is like negative like oh you know you're going to have a kid so your adventure part of your life is done and it is a lot of negativity which we should revisit that because i disagree with a lot of that um no doubt that it does change things but for the better um but i i had all this doubt that i was ready to have a kid and i i was i like couldn't get that out of my mind and so it was this tension between you and i coming from different perspectives on this huge topic of i mean kids is a map probably behind finances

one of the biggest probably in front okay just because of yeah it's the biggest conversation it's the biggest yeah but point of contention oh absolutely yeah so i'm curious though how would you say you grieved was there something that someone told you was it conversations with your mom we talked about how you sharing your story was a big part of your you know healing process but um I think it was just time I think a huge part of it was reading people stories and I did a lot of research I for me a lot of my grief comes with understanding or not being able to understand So a lot of my healing comes with understanding. So I talked to my doctors a ton and I worked with like really, really high up

nutritionists just to see, just to figure out where my body was, what it was lacking. If there was anything that I needed to work on or quote unquote fix before we tried again. And I think time, kind of like I said earlier, that vacancy and that pain associated with vacancy of not having a baby in my body that I really wanted to get rid of by just getting pregnant was definitely the wrong reason to get pregnant a second time. So I think being able to put it on pause and not get pregnant for so much longer, like so much later really helped me heal from the first baby so that I could get pregnant and celebrate a second baby the way that baby should be celebrated. Does that make sense? Yeah.

But going back to that point of contention, man, I mean, like you said, it was, it was rough between us because we weren't on the same page. And I don't know if you remember this, but one of our biggest arguments, we were in Santa Monica, California, walking on the, like, coastline trail. Do you remember this? Boardwalk? Yeah. no I'm about to I feel like and it was late at night after a dinner and we are I'm crying and we're really frustrated with each other because I'm just like why do you not want a child like is this a long-term thing do you know when you can be ready we're I mean it was really

a really really emotional conversation because I felt hurt and it wasn't There was no reason behind it, but I felt hurt almost like you wouldn't want my child because of what we went through. I don't, I don't, it didn't even make sense, like even looking back and nothing about it is rational. It's just a reaction from pain, but we were going at it and we could not get on the same page. And I remember we sat down on a bench and we're going at it. And I'm really emotional. You're really emotional. And there's this guy.

I think he was a homeless guy just living on this boardwalk. And he's probably 25 yards away from us sitting under this tree. And he kind of gets up and he starts walking past us. And I don't remember the exact words he said, but he said, nothing matters that much. Just love each other guys and like walked right by us. I remember that. And you and I literally looked at each other and in an instant just snapped out of it.

And we were like, you know what? I love you. That's all that matters. And that's all that can get you through that moment in that phase. Wow. I vividly remember that. It's interesting because that in a lot of ways, like, again, whether to have kids or not, how many kids to have, what the timing is of that.

And then when you have a kid, how do you raise? what's this you know the style there's so many different things to figure out but that story I think is like a good reminder of whether you have a kid right now or you're trying to have a kid the marriage and and you're an eye's relationship should be the core you know what I'm saying like it's not don't let the tension or the disagreement undermine that and And even though it's hard, I mean, we struggled with that conversation for two years of when should we start trying again. And sacrifices were made. Like, I, I didn't win that argument, nor should I have.

Does that make sense? Yeah. You have to be on the same page with your spouse. And yes, you can sacrifice a little bit and compromise. But going into having a child or adopting a child or just going into the whole parenting, situation if you two aren't like if you're not united you can't be good parents yeah and i think it was really really hard for us to go through those two years but slowly we became more us and not you know him and her and as soon as we got on the same page and started having fun

again as a couple and started just living life then all of a sudden it was It was like, yeah, let's do this thing. I do think that that is something that really helped us out is we did compromise. And then once we both were comfortable with that, we got on the same page. And we were like all in on that. And even though I had sacrificed what I wanted during that period, as did you, we were in it together at that point, as opposed to harboring like resentment of, you know, I would. want six more months to travel without a kid you know what I'm saying like we were both bought

into that program is there anything that you wish you would have known when you're going through the miscarriage I don't know I would say I wish I would have known the research behind it how common it was that it doesn't mean you can't get pregnant again that it's not the end of the road that like I wish I would have known all of it but I don't think it would have changed anything I think the amount of grief and pain a woman goes through can't be it can't be brushed off it is

and there's this little part of our video our vlog that we made of this moment and I didn't say it well enough but there is this feeling that you get as a woman and I can't explain it but I knew when I was pregnant it's just like

That's wild. It was just, in an instant, my body was no longer mine. And I just knew. It's just this feeling. I don't know. And I knew when I wasn't pregnant anymore. I remember walking into that office, and it just, that, it wasn't there. I actually, I remember that, too.

Like, you immediately, before you got in the car, you were like, I think I lost it. Yeah. And I was like, well, hold on. Let's not call the shot too early, you know. But in saying that, I say that because, yes, I wish I would have known all the information in the world about miscarriages, but nothing can take away that feeling. And nothing can take away that immediate loss you feel as a mom. Was there something, did you feel hope A, and if you did, what was the source of that hope

through that experience for you? I, yes, I felt hope through you, just through love. I knew when I felt that shift in my body and in my mind and my heart, I was terrified of being a mom. I, being an athlete, I was innately selfish. I mean. You didn't want to gain 30 pounds or whatever? Didn't want to gain 30 pounds.

Didn't want to, quote unquote, give up my life. like society tells you, which we should talk about, I didn't want to be on someone else's schedule. But as soon as I felt that shift of like in my heart and soul of what it felt like to be a mom, that's all I wanted. And that gave me hope. It felt like a true purpose that I had. And I think reading people's stories and hearing over and over and over and over again,

all of these stories of loss, but then hope. people would have these rainbow and miracle babies afterwards. I'd never heard the term rainbow baby until we went through it. A rainbow baby for, if you don't know, is a child that follows a miscarriage. Do you, so your, is it fair to say that like you, if you knew all the stats and all like the comforting information that like, hey, it's not a lot of time, it's most of the time, not something that you did wrong that caused this. that would have given you hope,

but you're saying you still you still would have gone through the emotional turmoil. You know what I'm saying? A hundred percent. It just would have helped you through that. I think it would have helped me through it a little bit more just because within my grieving process,

I sought out all that information to understand truly what had happened more but I don't think it would have shortened the grieving process because I feel like I lost a little part of my heart and I think I will forever not have that part of my heart but yet it just healed and it took time yeah um the next question I have here is uh how did the miscarriage change our relationship I think that it was you know the discussion of when are we're going to try again really was the first like core disagreement that you and I had for the most part. And I think that not we definitely did it wrong.

I think there was a lot of probably unfair emotions that like anger or like frustration or whatever that were exchanged. But I think that it it helped us. communicate through that and realize that hey even though this is a big issue the most important thing is that we stay together and work through this and I think that changed I think that changed my perspective of like hey you know what this is this is a big topic but I know that I can trust her to listen to what I'm saying, and to respect that, and I hope vice versa.

Absolutely. I think it was the most separated I've ever felt from you, which I think that made it hard for us, because since we weren't unified in opinions and thoughts and emotions, it's almost like we were acting as individuals and not as a couple, which made it very hard. But the good thing is a silver lining to that is that we were honest with each other. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely. Much rather go through that period of loneliness than faking like we're, you know, on the same page.

And I think unfortunately, unfortunately, a lot of couples have to go through something very, very painful to get on that level of relationship. I don't know how to say that. But you hear all of these stories of couples going through traumatic events that bring them even closer together. And I think it was the first thing we had gone through that hurt that bad. That brought us closer together. We could communicate better. We could be more vulnerable together.

We could talk about deeper things and deeper emotions and deeper pain than we ever had. And I think that the important caveat to that, because I do believe that pain does have that effect is that I'm just going to reiterate this that we were honest through that because again if you're just if you're not honest and there's no there's nothing productive that comes to I don't find out anything new about you you don't find out anything new about me my definition of love is your willingness to sacrifice and when you're both honest there's going to be some sacrifice and thus I think the love grows so That was kind of a tangent, but I do think it's...

No, absolutely. Did it take you a while to physically recover at all? From the miscarriage, not really. I think the only thing truly physical that I felt like needed healed was my heart, which sounds cliche. But I was violently ill. for two days. I mean, couldn't get up off the floor. You were pale.

White. I mean, straight white in the face and in my body. I remember my skin hurt. You had booked me a in-house pedicure. Do you remember that the day after? And I remember her like truly just massaging my legs and it hurting. It hurt my core. Like it hurts so bad.

my skin hurt my bones hurt my toenails hurt i had headaches i was vomiting i would i mean i was very very sick for two days and then and then felt normal which i hated yeah um i remember when you got pretty much as soon as a miscarriage happened you went on this whole physical regimen to prep your body and like you Like you said, you were going to see the doctors and nutritionists. And like you did change the first one, you stumbled, the first pregnancy you stumbled into, the second you were like. I changed everything. Yeah.

You even started drinking water, which never happens. Going back to those guilt feelings during the miscarriage, I was afraid that it was my lifestyle, former eating disorders, just. anything that could have caused it and I knew before I started trying again which took me a while I mean it was six months to a year before we ever even pushed it to the side and said you know we're going to wait that we are like not argued but we weren't on the same page for that long it was around six months to a year I was finally like you know what I'm on the same page we're going to put pause and I went on a mission and I was like before I

ever start trying again yeah i want my body as clean as possible and i went you know and saw a nutritionist i saw acupuncturist i saw doctors and got you know MRIs and ultrasounds of my uterus and you changed your physically your like workout routine changed my workout routine i was working out super extreme and then i went super like just consistent and healthy and didn't overdo anything and i started taking vitamins and prenatals and would drink water and I wouldn't take medication and I wouldn't take adderol and I would like all of these things I got off birth control but then was very smart about being intimate to make sure just I just did everything I regulated everything to make sure my body was healthy so that if a baby ever came along I knew it was my body that could

take care of them and when we decided that we were ready to have a kid like you were you had laid the foundation I guess as best you could I do want to put a caveat or sorry clarify the honest open an honest thing when you're going through a hard time I think as long as you're honest with the understanding that the other person comes first and your your love and care for that person that should be the the qualifier absolutely because I you can be honest and it can be brutal yeah but if if my first priority is you and, like, my love for you, then that changes my perspective. You know what I'm saying?

Absolutely. Going back to the story of the bench, I remember it was more honest than we had ever been, and I was very honest because you kept, we both just kept saying, why? Why do you feel this? Why do you, like, why are you not ready? Why are you ready? And we kept being vague, and all of a sudden we flipped a switch, both of us. And I was like, I feel like you don't trust me to be a mother.

I feel like you do not want children because of and it just it got deep it got deep into like very vulnerable guilt thoughts that you have in your subconscious that are irrational but need to be shared in order for that other person be like I I now understand why you feel this way and I'm going to prove to you and kind of hit those crazy thoughts down so that you have the security you need yeah the intention being let's have this draw us closer yeah but it's it's hard yeah um all right what advice would you give yourself or someone else um experiencing my scourge man i would say it will be the hardest thing you'll ever go through i mean i i do believe i don't want to say it's the hardest thing you'll ever go through because there are so many traumatic things that can happen i hope it's i hope no one ever has to go through it it is a very very hard thing to go through it's a very

painful thing emotionally painful physically painful but if i could tell myself anything and tell anyone going through it it would be to lean into someone you love whether if you have a spouse lean into them family friends but ask for help and do not do not harbor or hold in anything because it just makes it worse yeah i would and i would say that know that there is hope i said this last episode know that there is hope no matter what that looks like there is another chapter that's going to happen and it that next chapter can be better if you work through you know the difficulties whether you have another kid or you're able to get pregnant again or if you decide not to try again I think that the next phase is going to be

better off so just know that that's all I had that's all I had yeah we should and in the next episode talk about it did change our expectation for the next pregnancy I do feel like there has hesitation to fully dive into the excitement of the child because there was always this realization that we might have another miscarriage and dealing with then society and everything society tells you when it comes to kids which like you alluded to earlier a lot of it we very strongly disagree with so I think we should talk about as well yeah um well we hope you found this episode helpful valuable and um we appreciate all the feedback that you give us uh if you haven't I'll remind you to subscribe and write the show send us an email at

couple things pod that's p o d at gmail.com if you have any prayer requests or stories to share we love going through those um and that's the whole point of why we do what we do so we can get to know you connect with you and um yeah thanks for listening and this is the east fam out we'll see you next time bye guys Thank you.