Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 34 why we had mixed emotions when we found out we were pregnant

Episode Date: September 9, 2020

Today in episode 34 of Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew, we’re bringing you the next part in a mini series all about our relationship. We started with a conversation about trying to get pregnant and miscarrying, then we we talked through how our miscarriage affected our relationship, and now we’ll share our journey trying to get pregnant again. When something so traumatic and emotional happens, it’s definitely hard to find moments to look forward to. How do you celebrate something so exciting while still mourning an incredible loss at the same time? How do you celebrate something so exciting when you’re so apprehensive you’ll experience loss again? So we’ll walk you through those feelings and how our relationship provided a source of support through it all. If you haven’t yet, please rate Couple Things and subscribe to hear more. And if you have suggestions/recommendations for the show, send us your ideas in a video format – we might just choose yours! Email us at [e-mail]. ––– We’re supported by the following companies we love! Make sure to check them out using our links below. Liquid IV! Get 25% off with code EASTFAM at checkout ▶ https://www.liquid-iv.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up, everybody? Welcome back to a couple things. With Sean and Andrew. A podcast all about couples. And the things they go through. Today we are continuing our story about getting pregnant and miscarriage. We left off talking about kind of the aftermath of a miscarriage and how it affected our relationship and just kind of our mindset going forward. Yeah, I do want to start off by saying that

we have received so many emails. We thank you for taking the time to sit down and share your story with us. And while a lot of these stories are not fun to read, much less experience, they're so meaningful for you to share and talk about the things you learned. Sean and I are so grateful. And we're trying to figure out a good way to like, how can we responsibly help other people with with you know the stories that that have been shared with us so I think one of the most fascinating things and interesting things that I have learned since having a miscarriage is we have had the pleasure of interviewing so many amazing couples on the show and I feel like every single person has a different story whether it's miscarriage or broken families or

blended families or adoption or infertility I feel like I mean I hate to say that so many people and everybody goes through something, but just know that if you are going through something, you aren't alone because everybody is going through something. Yeah. By the way, this is a little mini series we're doing. Some people may listen to this and think, wow, this is kind of like a downer on, to listen to on my drive to work or wherever you listen to podcasts. But we're working towards the good part and the fun part.

So just hang in there. And I know, I think this is important to talk about. So we're just getting it out of the way. Another update to inform you if you're new. We alternate every other week. So every other week we have a couple on. And then the weeks in between, we do kind of this solo, just Andrew and I talking about our life, things that we have gone through and kind of our journey. So right now, we're in the middle of this mini series talking about just kind of our story or pregnancy story, our miscarriage story.

and then how we ended up with little Drew Hazel. Drew Hazel. So if you haven't yet. Make sure that you give the show a rating and subscribe to it on whatever platform you're listening to. We appreciate it. You ready to roll into this one? Let's do it.

Okay, so let's just start. I'll just ask you questions. Okay. It's how we've mapped out this episode. So the first thing I want to know is from your perspective, is there anything that you did differently when trying to get pregnant again for the second time?

so we kind of talked about this at the end of the last episode or we got there where for us one of the hardest things after we miscarried was finding a time or a phase of life where we were in the same place and agreed that it was a good time to start trying again that was a mouthful but the hardest thing that we went through after the miscarriage was trying was unifying our relationship again and being on the same page. whether it was because of emotional, you know, just hurt and pain from the trauma and hesitation with life and finances, we just couldn't get on the same page. And when we finally did, which was two years later, yeah, we were in a good space, we were in a good place. We were like, okay, I don't think it'll ever be the perfect time as far as like finances and career, but we feel ready. We feel ready to kind of dive in and see what happens. And so when it came to trying, I don't think we did anything different, except for we had talked about that. For about a year straight, I did everything in my power that I could to get my body ready.

I took the supplements. I went and saw an acupuncturist, which in my mind was like helping my body. I went and did blood work to make sure everything was, you know, all my levels for hormones and nutrients was right. and I ate properly and I worked out properly and I just I tried to prep my body to make sure that it was best set up to get pregnant. It is interesting.

I want to do a whole episode on when you're ready for these huge life changes like marriage or having a kid. But there's so many things that you could possibly get weighed down by when it comes to these big decisions. When it comes to having a kid, it's like, oh are we in a like a place where we can financially do this am i ready to give up certain freedoms etc etc and i i think that what you mean when you say we were ready to have a kid is that we got to a point where we were just okay with the uncertainties right we knew that

there was going to be a thousand things thrown at us that we had never encountered before which I think we still continue to struggle with because there's so many things to figure out but we were we were like okay we're just going to brace for impact and then also we said we're at a point where we feel like we've experienced enough of life as as not parents so before we were dating before we were dating while we were dating while we were married without kids we said okay I think we're I think we're in a good spot not everybody has the luxury or, you know, the foresight to, like, plan like we did, kind of. But, yeah. Well, I think another big aspect of it, too, was one of the, one of the, not one of the, I think one of the, wow. Did you just black out? I just blacked out.

I think the biggest reason why we weren't ready as a couple in those two years to start trying or for that uncertainty or for. that next step was because you and I weren't on a good page. Right. And I'm not saying like our marriage was bad or anything was wrong. It's just when you aren't unified and in a healthy spot relationally, you can't be in a phase of such uncertainty when it comes to a kid to like be each other's number ones. we weren't each other's like top supporters and teammates in those two years because we were

budding heads a lot with such a big topic and a heavy pain and the loss that it wouldn't have worked but when we finally got on the same page and started to really work on a relationship and work on us and started to have fun again and started to really be each other's number ones it seemed like the perfect time for us to bring in an outside uncertainty I heard an analogy there the other day of someone comparing marriage to hunting.

Okay. And no, in all seriousness. Yeah, I love it. Where you have one target and there's, you know,

someone hunting from one perspective. And the worst thing that could happen is someone from another perspective also hunting, or in this instance, attacking an issue. So to your point of being on the same page, if you're both coming at something,

from the same direction. From the same direction on the same page, then the likelihood of someone getting hurt is way less than coming out. But if you're both hunting from opposite directions. Do you like my analogy now? Yes, I do. Okay. Good. So I will, I'll go back to the question of,

did we do anything different when we started trying a second time? We prepared, quote unquote, for it just because it wasn't an accident. It was actually a preparation. but as far as when we decided to like pull the goalie and start trying we really didn't do anything different we just we were just us and we had fun and we tried not to think about it and what now when you say we had fun you know exactly what i'm talking about can you we had sex um we just we just kind of let things happen and we said we would do that for a year and after a year if nothing happened we'd talk about

about taking it a step further, whatever that would need to be. Yeah. You were talking about your acupuncture and, you know, your workout routine and diet, et cetera. It is, I've heard so many stories and so many opinions of like people saying, oh, well, you know, it was when I was finally, like, de-stress that we were able to have a kid. But honestly, I've heard just as many, like, miracle stories where, like, I just, there's

Something about you being blessed with a child whenever, whenever that opportunity comes around. You know what I'm saying? And I know that can come off painful to people who haven't been able to have a kid yet who've wanted it. But like, I've had friends, mentors who like tried for 15 years to have a kid. And then they did. And it's like, you know. There is a, there's an, not an aspect. I mean, the whole child birthing.

creating process is an absolute miracle of creation, absolutely. But I do think, I don't know, like you said, that's hard because it's such a question of why when it doesn't happen, that that's when, like, through the miscarriage, I started doubting if I was worthy enough or if I was supposed to be a mom. I think to a certain extent I tried to protect and keep my body as healthy as possible so I didn't have those doubts in my mind. Interesting.

Sorry to get us off on the time. My next question or the next thing I want to talk about is how when you did get pregnant, you didn't feel like you could celebrate. You've said that multiple times. Well, I mean, do you remember this? I mean, I remember vividly. I remember we had been trying and we kind of, it was kind of just like a, we're just going

to go with the flow and then if something happens, something happens, but we're just going with the flow. And we're over at our friends. When you say going with the flow. You know what I mean. We were over at our friends house, our best friends. And I thought I felt different, but I don't know. I think I was just in denial because of the miscarriage.

because of the miscarriage, I just, I was in denial about pregnancy. I didn't, I didn't know how it was going to work a second time. Because when you go through something like that, when you go through anything traumatic in regards to a baby and a child, you kind of build a wall up around your heart because you don't ever want to feel a heartbreak again. So I tried to remove all emotion and just kind of desensitize myself. So if I took a pregnancy test and it said positive, I pictured myself just kind of, going void of all emotion so we were over at her friend's house and my friend and I we were both

trying to have a kid at the same time so we were very aware of like schedules and cycles and when we should whatever be having a period or not and I remember going over there and she's like so how are things going and I was like well I'm a couple days late which I'm usually very on schedule and she was like, you're taking a test right now. It was pizza night, so you're supposed to be making pizza, and the boys were in the kitchen making pizza. And we ran back into her bathroom, and she had pregnancy tests because they were trying as well.

And she gave me one, and I was like, I'm not, it's not going to be positive, even if I am pregnant, it's too early. And I took it in literally within 10 seconds of taking the test, it turned positive, which... I actually haven't heard the play-by-play on this. And I, I just looked at her and I was like, holy crap. Hold on, but pregnancy tests are wrong a lot? No.

No? Not like that. So you can get like false positive sometimes where you could look at a test and it's like, oh, is that a positive? Is that a negative? But this was like in 10 seconds, it was like positive. Like the lines were as clear as they could possibly be. Okay. And I just remember standing there and I was like, holy crap.

And she's like, she was freaking out, freaking out. And I was just like, holy crap. And that's literally all I could say. And that's, it sounds weird, but that's literally all I felt. And like a good holy crap, excited, holy crap, like scared. It was kind of in, I want you to tell your side of the story from when I came out of the bathroom and I literally just handed you a pregnancy test. And I was like, here you go. Because the first time we got pregnant, which was an accident, we weren't trying. But it was still a miracle and a blessing. I was, I had every emotion in the world going through me.

I was ecstatic. I was terrified. In my mind, we were having a kid. And that was it. Like, our life had changed Trevor in that day. And when that kind of Cinderella story had been taken away from us because it was like, oh, there are so many more aspects to pregnancy than you ever were aware of and so many different complications can happen and so many like so many things

as soon as I got pregnant the second time it was kind of like this holy crap here we go again and I didn't want to act excited because I didn't know if it was going to last I didn't want to think one day forward because I didn't want to think of all the complications and the tests and like everything that was going to come of it. I didn't want to, you know, be so elated and be like, oh, we're having a kid because I didn't know if we were. So I just, I felt, I just felt kind of, eh, I was happy. You don't get me wrong.

But I was like, eh. Like overwhelmed with. Yeah, like get ready. Yeah. I, I feel like we've been continually reminded about how, the whole parenting journey from even deciding that you're ready to have a kid

is 100% uncertain from like reading, playing, learning. Stellist lenses do more than just correct your child's vision. They slow down the progression of myopia. So your child can continue to discover all the world has

to offer through their own eyes. Light the path to a brighter future with stellar lenses for myopia control. Learn more at SLR.com and ask your family eye care professional for SLR Stelis lenses at your child's next visit. That encompasses so many different things, but like just like you said, the first time I got pregnant, we're like, wow, okay, this is like pretty much when we, when we woke up the next morning, we're like, all right, this is, let's talk about baby names, this is a shoot, like we already had the vision. And then it was like, that didn't happen.

So then the second time that you got pregnant was it was, it was like, I didn't have the visions of my little kid running around. It was just like, we're just going to take this one day at a time. I felt very emotionally detached because to me, and that sounds terrible because it was instantly a child. And I don't want to dehumanize, you know, the baby and everything. but I felt removed from the baby at that moment. To protect yourself? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. How did you feel when I told you? So from my side, we were making pizzas. I go outside to call my mom. Come back. Well, I thought I heard some commotion, but I guess you didn't tell. There was, what, three other people there that night? They was.

Josh, Chelsea, Dave. Dave. But you didn't tell any of them. I was there when you told De Bois. Chelsea knew. Yeah, yeah, but, okay. So whatever commotion I heard was something else. Josh did see us walk out and I'm sure.

You knew something was up. Oh, for sure. Anyway, so I come back in, literally, it was like a three-minute phone call. Come back in and I sit down and Sean's, no, Sean forces me. She's like, sit down, you have to sit down, you have to sit down. I'm like, what the heck is happening? I feel like she's about to slam a pizza in my face. So I sit down and I'm literally, we have a video of it.

It's like, I'm like on edge because I don't know what the heck is about to happen. And then I think you made me close my eyes and you put the pregnancy test. Or no, you just gave me the pregnancy test around my shoulder. And I literally had not. It was the last thing I was expecting. Yeah. Because we were making pizza. And the next thing you know, you give me a pregnancy test.

And yeah, I think you could, even if you watch that video, like there's some hesitation of it's more than just the excitement or the fear. It's just like now this is another level of how is this going to happen, you know? Well, and to a certain extent, like I like to romanticize everything. When it comes to as a kid picturing my wedding, I wanted this big elaborate wedding. I wanted this big elaborate proposal. I wanted to tell my husband that we are pregnant in such a big and elaborate way. But then again, after the miscarriage, I felt like I stripped myself of that because in protecting my heart and protecting us, I was like, no, I don't want to do that.

I don't want to make this such an extravagant thing and have it taken away from me, which is probably the wrong way to approach it because every baby should be celebrated, every pregnancy should be celebrated and mourned if it gets to that. but I just couldn't get myself to do it. Well, we were just talking this morning about how it's easier to like remain stoic and just kind of try to remain on one emotional plane and not get too high or too low because the higher and more excited you get, the more you open yourself up to like a deeper hurt, right? But it's like, oh, you know, and this is, I didn't understand why people didn't tell their families, that they were pregnant until like week 12 but it's like it is so much harder to to retroactively or sorry to tell your family hey we have pregnant and then everybody celebrates and then that's all

you're talking about because everybody's so excited and then you find out you have a miscarriage and and then everyone asked you about it or like it's those awkward interactions of like so how are you doing it's easier to just be like uh I'm struggling a bit we had a miscarriage like five weeks ago and they're like you know it's just that's an easier conversation than to have the celebrations and then have to go back and well absolutely and i have a bunch of friends who unfortunately have miscarried and lost beautiful babies and they're they're the same way they're like i didn't tell anybody that i had a miscarriage because at that moment i didn't want to share it with the world i didn't want the world to just say i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry because you don't want to just refill that pain

over and over again, but maybe we're all doing it wrong. Maybe we all need to share it because, like I said, every pregnancy and every baby should be celebrated and if lost mourned. Well, I don't know, but also just to clarify for those listening who don't know, I guess the tradition or etiquette is to wait until you're 12 weeks pregnant, not etiquette. That's what people usually do because the majority of those miscarriages, like chemical miscarriages happen in the first 12 weeks is that right correct but i would say ladies if you get pregnant tell the world those babies should be celebrated that's what i that's a really interesting

thought but you're also then asking them to open them open up to hurt you don't get one without the other but it also hurts no matter what and no woman should feel like they have to hide a pregnancy because it's not valid or it wasn't far enough along to be valid you are pregnant you were pregnant and even if it's difficult to go through with the world the world should celebrate that for you that's huge that's an interesting thought I think there's a lot that goes in that a lot i think for you listening you know decide what's best for you probably absolutely but i also think following etiquette just because it's risky to tell someone before 12 weeks is dumb because i mean we are religious people i think of how many prayers that

beautiful baby could have in those uncertain weeks that's a that's a really good point And think the support a mom could get to help her not stress out and live in fear for 12 weeks and try to keep this pent up secret. And I just, I think that stigma is a little wrong. But let me challenge you right now, live. Oh, gosh. We've talked about how when we have our second, you don't want to share it for a while. I know. And I'm saying I'm wrong.

I'm saying it's so natural to. protect yourself just like talking about when we got pregnant with Drew how I didn't feel like I could celebrate and I didn't feel like I should celebrate and I protected myself from that pain well and I've said the same thing if if and when we start trying again for our second kid I don't say trying again you're so ridiculous are you talking about naked time naked time of course we've talked about and we start trying again if we get pregnant i probably want to wait longer this time to share anything but i'm challenging myself even and saying i think that perspective might be wrong because yes it opens you up to more pain and it opens you up to having

more people i relive that pain by saying i'm sorry and that they're there they're there for you you and they're supporting you but maybe that's what we should do because like you said if we all just try to avoid emotion i think we're failing to celebrate and mourn things that we should this is all right enough on that i know curious to get your thoughts if you guys do want to share them you can email a couple things pod p o d gmail.com my next question did you feel any tension between celebrating something that's so exciting finding out to you're pregnant while still kind of mourning the incredible like loss of the miscarriage because with every you know with every potential pregnancy or pregnancy test you take you're kind of reminded of that miscarriage

absolutely I mean I felt like every single day of my pregnancy I felt like I was reliving the miscarriage because every single day every single time this is like very graphic but like every single time I sat down on the toilet to like if I wiped with toilet paper I was like oh my god what if I see blood and every little cramp I got and every stomachache and every headache and every time I didn't feel good or every time I felt nauseous or every single second of every day was this reminder of a miscarriage because I wanted a baby so bad and I was so afraid that with every day that passed I would get more attached

and it would be harder to live with another miscarriage or another loss or another complication or another just anything. So every single day, I would, I mean, I got myself so worked up, I distinctly remember, and we'll share more about this, probably in a different podcast,

but I remember, There was one day I was driving to Flipfest, which is like two and a half drive away. And I just had this, I don't remember how far along I was. I think it was like five months a long. So I was pretty far. But it was five months because I just remembered.

Because my mom lost their first at five months. Which I didn't know until I miscarried the first time. that was kind of brought up in conversation but my mom and dad got pregnant with a little girl before me and they lost her at five months um and so it was five months i was driving to flip fest we had already had a couple of complications i had a two vessel cord and they were really nervous that drew was going to have complications when she was born because of the two vessel cord and not have enough oxygen when it causes stillbirth and just all these different things i had just been diagnosed with I had too much amniotic fluid there was just a couple different things that

scared me and I bawled my eyes out for the two and a half hour car ride nonstop hyperventilating driving behind the wheel five months pregnant because I let myself feel emotion and I was terrified to lose that baby I didn't want to feel it again and yeah so i through the entire pregnancy until the day she was born i was terrified and re-lived it every day it's so interesting talking about this from the perspective of like all right we had a miscarriage then we were able to have a kid but then as we talk about potentially having a second kid we're walking right back into this you know i didn't have that thought just till just now but It's like, it never, it's not like, ah, you cross the, you cross the threshold of, you didn't,

you had a miscarriage and then now you didn't, so you're done with miscarriages, you know. But it's, it's the perspective of, of just children, because it's not like you ever cross a finish line. Every single day of our kids' lives, of Drew's life, we're going to worry. she's going to turn you know one here soon and she's going to start swimming and so many different accidents happen in a pool or happen on your front doorstep or she falls and gets a cut or she turns 16 and she goes off with a boy for the first time it's I feel like having a miscarriage was the first time we felt fear and loss and pain in regards to a child and I don't feel like that ever changes.

And to bring the analogy back up, though, of not only when you're making decisions as a married couple, do you need to be on the same page and confronting it from the same angle, but the opportunity, there is an opportunity, the silver lining and hurt that you experience on this level is you can go through it as a couple. if you go through it together and like i'm trying like i'm just trying to communicate that as best i can because i think that's so important of of their my tendency is when something bad happens you know i want to shut the door turn the lights off and not talk to anybody just be by myself that would be a missed opportunity but you have to experience it and you have to cry the tears

absolutely and taking it back even further are you crying right now no well i mean No, I could, if you want. I remember my coach teaching me. I remember before every competition, I used to get so, so nervous. And I remember someone asked, I think I asked him, I was like, is it, does it mean that, like, I'm a bad gymnast if I don't, or that I get so nervous?

You know, I'm at the elite level. Shouldn't I have mastered this already? And I remember him teaching me at a very young age. She said, if you aren't nervous, that means you don't care. And I think bring that all the way around to kids, you care so, so, so much. These tiny humans are a part of your soul, and they give you more purpose in life than anything. And I think that's why it's such a hard thing to go through, start to finish, pain and joy, loss in celebration, all of it. It's because you love them to the fullest extent.

Let me throw in an asterisk mark there, though. For people who A, have decided not to have kids or B, can't. There is plenty of purpose to be found outside of kids. Having kids was a choice that you and I made that we wanted to, like it was a choice that you and I wanted to make together. But I think that's a really good analogy, and I never thought of it. But as an athlete, like those nerves that you feel. it's a really good sign that you're on the right track,

but you cannot let those feelings control your performance. And I think that's something that every day you and I've been learning, every day that every day you were pregnant that we were learning was those doubts or the tendency, you know, when you have a kid to try to control every second and then, you know, try to prevent the kid from bump in their head or falling on the stairs or whatever. it's caring is almost all you need to do but you can't hold on too tightly you know and it's a fine line but an important one to put a lot of thought into so next episode I want to talk about how those

uncertainties kind of reared their heads during your pregnancy but just some real quick positive spending takeaways that we've hit on before. If you have experienced a miscarriage recently or know someone that has, know that they're way more common than you think, one in every four. It doesn't make it any easier, but it gives you an understanding that you aren't alone. Yeah.

And don't let that discourage you from continuing to want to have a family. Find community out of it. Use an opportunity to get closer with your SIGO. So if you are trying to get pregnant, if you are trying to start a family, I'm not trying to just push our interviews, but we have had some great interviews. One was with Chuck Wicks and Cassie Rosa Wicks about infertility and blended families. We've interviewed other people about adoption. Everybody just has a miracle story in regards to like their relationship and their family. Yeah, and I've heard plenty of stories of, like, those friends I was talking about that

couldn't get pregnant for like 15 years, they went over to some pastor's house, they were prayed over, you know, with, got pregnant, and got pregnant. Well, and then we have friends, we have friends who couldn't get pregnant for a really long time, ended up saying, it's not for us, let's adopt, went through the entire adoption process went to pick up their child from India came home and they were pregnant. That's nuts. Because just like there's uncertainty that makes it hard to want to celebrate like you and I, our second pregnancy after having experienced a miscarriage, there's also uncertainty

in, hey, you've tried for 15 years, but you're saying there's a chance. So use that maybe as hope because you can get, you can. you can get pregnant after a miscarriage. It's not like the end of the road. The grief is normal. The guilt is normal. The difficult emotional processing is normal. Find community, like I said.

And just try to try to have hope and faith and knowing that it's all a part of a bigger plant. So it's this beautiful tapestry of stories and experiences that, You'll get a look back on someday, you know. But did we hit everything you wanted to hit on? I think so. I feel like I rambled a little bit, but. I think it's okay.

Yeah. We tried to structure this out as much as possible. I feel like with all of it, with marriage, relationships, family, business, finance, careers, everything. It's allowing yourself to go through the good moments and the bad moments that make you stronger. and if you just keep pushing through, there's always, I feel like, light at the end of the tunnel. Preach. I think that's a good way to go out. Hey, hope you're having a great day.

Thank you for listening. Give the show rating and subscribe to it. If you can, share your stories with a couple things pod at gmail.com. And we're thankful for each and every one of you. This is the East fam. You know,