Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 45 Trying for a second

Episode Date: December 2, 2020

Today in episode 45 of Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew, we sit down and have a discussion all of you have been asking us about.... a second kid. We talk about our thoughts and hesitations with having another child; what we're fearful, anxious, but most importantly, excited about. A few topics we cover: - will we have enough time for another child? - how will this affect Drew? - can we love another child as much as we love her? - how does that fit into our lifestyle? - what if there are complications? We really get deep in this one, but it's a conversation we are excited to bring you. Let us know if there is anything we missed or should be considering at a time like this. If you haven’t yet, please rate Couple Things and subscribe to hear more. And if you have suggestions/recommendations for the show, send us your ideas in a video format – we might just choose yours! Email us at [e-mail]. If you want to check out the article we talk about, you can find that here! ▶ https://bit.ly/2JwLMal ––– We’re supported by the following companies we love! Make sure to check them out using our links below. Theragun! ▶ Go to https://Theragun.com/EASTFAM right now and get your Gen 4 Theragun TODAY. You can try it out for 30 days! Bev! ▶ Receive 20% off your first purchase plus FREE SHIPPING on all orders. Go to https://DRINKBEV.com/EASTFAM or use code EASTFAM at checkout to claim this deal. Butcherbox! ▶ Use our link to get Bacon for Life! New members will get a FREE pack of bacon in every order for the lifetime of their Butcher Box subscription! Plus shipping is always free! Go to https://butcherbox.com/couple today to claim yours. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up, everybody? Welcome back to Couple Things. With Sean and Andrew. A podcast all about couples. And the things they go through. Today, we've gotten a lot of requests to expand on the X's episode. I think that's a good idea, but can I be honest? I want to actually talk about something else because I've been thinking about this a lot.

Okay. And I think it's time we start talking about having a second kid. Really? I'm ready, baby. It's a little bit different than talking about exes. I know. I know, but I'm ready. I feel like it has similar weight to it.

I want to have this conversation live. Okay. Because have you put any thought into it? Are you kidding me? So you've been thinking about it. Girls think about this stuff far, like way far in advance than men. I feel like I'm ahead of the curve here. I think I thought about it before we got married.

multiple kids already yeah and like the spacing and yes yes I had a plan for my life when I wanted to be married I had a plan when I wanted to have kids by what age I want to have so meant yeah is that responsible of you or like or a red flag I think that is a girl a lot of girls in their mentality in the fairy tale lifestyle Okay, well, that, hey, I didn't know, I was about to say. I have another thought to that. I feel like, I feel like having a general plan moves you into the direction and, like, hones your thoughts and your actions and lifestyle towards what you want. Life coaching from Sean.

I agree, but I just didn't know that you had been thinking about a second kid since before we were married. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? I guess like generally I was thinking. Did you ever think before you were married of how many kids you might want someday? I thought I want, I think it's a pretty common thought process to desire the amount of kids that you were a part of as a family. So you're saying yes. You thought about it too.

Yeah, but it's, okay. No, you're right. Well, let's talk about it, though. Let's talk about it. Okay. Because Drew is now 13 months. months old. Yes. Just turned 13 months. Yes. And I was thinking I feel like it's easier to be closer friends with siblings that you're closer and age with. And I want our kids to be close friends

because that's the experience I had. And I feel like there's nothing like having a brother or sister that is just your right or die. You know what I'm saying? And I feel like right there is why I freak out at the idea of a second kid. Because you never had siblings. No. The pressure you just put on, whether it was like intentional or not. So this is, okay,

this has been happening a lot lately, whether it's from like friends or family members or just random people on social media, a lot of people put pressure on you and they're like, if you want more kids, you need to have them close together. Otherwise, you know,

they're going to be too far apart and they're not going to be friends and like all that. That puts a lot of like, wait on a woman because then it's like oh yeah oh I gotta get pregnant this month and like oh like what if we miss it this month and then next month and that's another you know then is are the yeah just are the birthday is going to be are they going to have like the same birthday are they born in the same month or are they it's just like there's a lot fair enough I did not mean to put unwarranted pressure on you and it's for something that you have literally zero control over like

I feel like we've been continually humbled with the realization that you don't just get pregnant whenever you decide to get pregnant. You know what I'm saying? I guess you could do family planning and say, you know, I want two kids under two. I think that would be fun in a scary way. Put me in the loony bin, but that's what I'm shooting for here. So that means we have two more months. Am I doing my math right?

If Drew's 13 months, we can get pregnant all the way until she's. You're freaking me out. 15 months. You're freaking me out. So it's interesting that your friends say have them quicker because I feel like I've gotten a lot of feedback saying space your kids out. Well, it just goes back to you. Everybody has opinions. And I will say I just feel like the second kid already is so much different than the first because when it's your first, it's like we're going to try to have a kid as long as it takes to try to have a kid to have a kid.

And then the second one, all of a sudden it becomes this mind game of. well are they going to be in school together and are the birthday is going to be too close together are we going to be celebrating Christmas with a one-year-old and an infant and like all these things and it's not just this like freeing feeling of like oh let's try to have a baby I wish it was and like I wish I could make it like that but I just don't feel like you can when you think like I do I wonder. Are with me, people? So I just Googled as far as the spacing between kids.

I googled what's recommended. And actually the World Health Organization recommends a minimum of two-year intervals between pregnancies. Well, this is interesting. Let's read through this. Studies have suggested the intervals shorter than 18 months are associated with increased risk to the infant, including preterm birth. Wow. I haven't read through this yet. So this is a little scary.

Low birth weight, small size for the gestational age and NICU admissions. Okay. Wait. On the flip side, longer intervals, more than 59 months. So that's five years between pregnancies have been associated with increased risk for mothers, such as developing preeclampsia. What's that? I don't know.

I've heard of it before. Here. High blood pressure and swelling are sylamps. symptoms. It's also called toxemia. It's a disorder that generally developed after 20 weeks of pregnancy. Um, the small blood vessels clamp down in the liver. Wow. Okay. Okay. Grab it hole. So they, world health organization says any time between two years and five years between pregnancies. So that will leave me to our doctor. So every doctor has different. opinions. The World Health Organization has a different opinion. Your mom's going to have a different

opinion. Um, our doctor has given us the go-ahead. So she, Aruga. You know this. Don't like that's a surprise. Go ahead to what. Go ahead to what. Go ahead. To what. Try to have a baby, Andrew. Okay. Now we're talking. Now we here. But she had a request. and it's not like she can tell us what to do and what not to do, but she had a request. She said, I would love if you could wait a year. She said after a year, like I feel comfortable with you doing whatever. Like you get pregnant the first month, second month, whatever.

Or you could wait and not have another kid. But she said after my C-section, given like my activity level and the scar tissue and everything, she just really wanted me to wait a year to give me the best chance for A having a V-back. Do you know what that is, Andrew? A vaginal birth after C-section. Wow. I'm really proud of you. Technically a cesarian.

Yeah. I saw a sign with that. And to give the baby the best chance at like not going into pre-term labor and stuff. So you're saying the turnaround's quicker if you have a V? I don't know. Originally? I don't know. I wouldn't know.

A natural birth, as they say, the first time around. I wouldn't know. That's a controversial statement right there, Andrew. do okay stop we're going on tangics now what's a controversial statement we're going on tangoical art geez what's a natural birth are you good I don't know so doctor has given me permission but here's where my mind has been lately which is not where I want it to be when it comes to planning like when it comes to trying to have a child because I don't want to have to plan to have a kid.

I want it to be a miracle and a blessing. Do you know what I mean? Well, wait. What? No, not really. To be honest with you. So, I feel like family planning is a good thing

where it's like responsible to be like, oh, you know what? We're in a spot now where our marriage isn't destroyed by the first kid. I feel like we have a good rhythm going. Financially we're prepared. I don't think it's like...

My mind has been consumed with... I would prefer not to have a kid in the month of a kid. October or early November so that Drew can truly be celebrated every year for her birthday. What? Yeah. Okay. Continue.

I would prefer to be able to go to the Olympics next year, which you guys really threw a ringer on that one. You know, we're hoping you'd have the Olympics this year, not to be selfish. That was very selfish statement. Okay. I would prefer not to have a kid like on Christmas and so you just like you plan you have to plan things out but then I want them close so it means we got to get pregnant quick but then if we don't get pregnant the first couple times and it's like oh do we wait like five months so you're going about this trying to fit a baby into our current schedule yeah and that's what I'm saying I don't like I don't like that my mind goes there so I think that I was more that mindset with the first kid but then now realizing that kids and this past year has been like it's just the best even though we're not traveling to spend time with your kid it's pretty much the best thing i feel like most joyful meaningful whatever now with the second i'm like i don't care what the

schedule is let's just the baby comes whenever we can make them whenever we can make that happen That's awesome. I love that you have that mentality. I want that. It seemed to be on different vibes here. Wait, here's another aspect. Okay. Is any part of you scared?

Now, this might be different because you have siblings and I don't, but is any part of you scared talking about a second child with how that dynamic changes with Drew? I fear that with another kid, it takes away the attention from her and she won't feel like my girl well I'm a little concerned to hear you say that

you don't want a second baby to even have a birthday in the same month as Drew that's definitely I feel like a fast route to her being spoiled but I guess I mean I get what you're saying to

to feel like an individual and to feel celebrated and not feel clumped in you know no was i came from a family where everybody's clumped in i know and i didn't that's why it freaks me out you are an uncharted territory because you had zero siblings growing up yeah only child over here yes but being clumped in and the chaos that ensues when you just there's too many moving parts that so like no one can actually monitor all of it like as i reflect on my childhood was amazing. I know, but humor me for a second. Drew is your girl. Oh, I love her. She's still going to be my girl. I feel, again, we have another girl. That's going to be crazy.

I, that's a good point. I'm assuming, for whatever reason, my brain is automatically thinking that we're going to have a boy. So, but what if we have another girl? How do you, how does, how do you, how does your heart grow like that? But again, we haven't had another kids. We don't know. And I've been told by everybody that your heart just makes room and just gets bigger but i just can't picture it yeah i was totally just of the mindset that second kid equals boy but i think we do have experience this is how we felt with nash before drew was like oh my gosh we love nash so much how are we gonna are we going to love our baby as much as we love Nash like that poor child won't receive as much love as the dog will right and then we've worked it out and now Nash and Drew are besties and they feel

they give and feel love from each other and Drew and the new baby it'll take some time to adjust that's just how it happens and there is an onboarding process but that's why I feel confident that like Drew's developmentally at an age where she's walking around and like I think can She's starting to process things. You know that. How fun is that to see, by the way? And then you and I are in a position where it's like, we're settled and we've come to terms with being parents fully, which I'm not, I'm kind of joking about that, but not really. It's an identity shift.

We've talked about that. And I think another baby will just be a beautiful addition. Okay. Humor me for a second. I've thought through all of this, okay? Yeah, I'm not ready for, I did not know I was walking into a. Think of our lifestyle right now. You have one kid.

One person is always relieving the other of their duties and allowing them to take a breather, right? So I'll do bath time. You get to sit and at least like take a breath before we switch and then you put it down for bedtime. That's an awesome. It's just like the dynamic we figured out with parenting and how we've done it. It's truly a 50-50, which is awesome. Think about with a second kid. one of us always has a kid well so i think that's the that's the argument for people waiting

a long time between kids because the one kid will be in school or like self-sufficient to some degree and then the one can can kind of help even yeah kind of but well mallory and kyle yeah say that one person just kind of has their kid that they deal with mary and kyle say that Shepard has a mom and Ford has a dad and neither of them have the other because Kyle is always with Ford

and Mallory is always with Shepard does that mean you get Drew I call dibs on Drew that freaks me out that's why I hope we have a boy kind of because I feel like if a second kid was a boy and you were spending more time with him

then like he would oh man this is tough i hope it's a boy i'm sweating you hope our second kid someday as a boy well i just feel like that lends itself more to again kind of the experience that i had grown up mama's boy you know what i'm saying like you spend all the time together kind of like uh and daddy's girl it's and him and i like get select interactions where they're really fun and and like meaningful you know what I'm saying I don't think you'll just have select interactions with your I don't know how

it's going to work you're talking to me out of this thing I'm getting more and more scared yeah yeah Drew's gonna be great though with the second kid I think who no I actually think she will I think she'll be like any kid jealous because she is like she wants our attention but she loves other kids so much she literally lights up when she gets to be around another kid yeah so the argument for longer spacing sorry i keep kind of revisiting this because we haven't really fully fleshed out the ideas the advantage to waiting a long time between kids is one kid is more self-sufficient and it's still i feel like a team dynamic with the new baby the advantage of having kids back to back is you get the baby phase

of your life over with like sooner you know what i'm saying you want that i kind of do i kind of do this is also the greatest time of our lives and a hundred percent but i don't want to be in this phase i don't want to have done it for 2020 the whole year with drew and then you experience the joy of the kid growing up and then you go back to the baby phase and it just I feel like it's a wrecking ball to everything so like we're in we're doing it we get it our expectations are there our schedule is formatted around baby phase let's just ride it out you know what I'm saying yeah what are you thinking about do you want me to be honest yeah your scrub is long I'm impressed this is when we practice to have the baby do you like it

It looks good. I've never seen it this long, though. Have you ever had it this long? No, this is the longest I've ever had it. Like, it's going past your lip. It's the longest I've ever had it. Is it tickling your bottom lip? Sometimes when I do this.

Hmm. Do you do that a lot? Because I notice it kind of... Hey, cutie. Okay, another thing that I've been thinking about is, like, physically. I have worked really hard for the past year to, like, get my body back, to feel. feel good about myself to like have the energy and just like health to chase her around. Mm-hmm. You've done you've done a fantastic job, Sean. Let me say I'm proud of you. I'm impressed.

You inspired me. You literally worked out every single day for like an hour and a half. Yeah. Even on days you didn't want to. And at first it was just to get your pre-baby body back. Yeah. to some degree and now you're in really good shape so it was well and I do want to make that clear too it wasn't because I wanted to change how I looked I felt I honestly felt great about myself the day I came home from the hospital I was like yeah I didn't like have the goal in the gym of oh I want to change how I look I just felt weak and I had never felt like that before like muscularly And not being able to sit up because of the C-section and just feeling weak, I didn't like,

especially with Drew. I wanted to be, like, fit. But that leads me to pregnancy is a lot. Yeah. I was really nauseous the first trimester and I had migraines every day. Having that on top of chasing a one-year-old around the house, like, scares me.

How do you, like, when you get super large and in charge towards the third trimester, how are you, like, picking up an almost, you know, two-year-old or, I don't know. Did you say super large and in-charge? Yeah. Have you looked back at my pictures? Super large and in-charge.

My belly was large and in-charge. Yeah. And in-charge. I just, like, I can't imagine during the first pregnancy, or during my pregnancy with True, I committed every minute and day to pregnancy. Like I focused on making the food that would be good for the baby and just like making sure I got enough sleep and rest and like all this stuff.

You can't do that with a kid. With a second kid? No. I mean, heck, I barely get enough time to eat a meal on the day with what we do right now. it just that kind of freaks me out i came in here hot ready and now i'm like wow babe i'm going to tell you this right now a goal in life for me like this is boogey boogey a f but i've always had the goal like someday i think it would be so great to have a chef what yeah yeah yeah yeah we should also have a butler baby no yeah no just a cook

I think you would be awesome. While you're pregnant? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Chef's out there. Hello. Let's start taking applications.

Yeah. I don't know if you're ever ready for a kid, though. We've had this discussion. I don't know. I'm torn out. Like, oh, shoot. I'm getting psyched out by the huge task that is a child. But you're never ready for a kid, right?

That's what we've learned. You just never are. You just learn as you go. You deal with it. And I want more. You accept. You want more kids. Yeah.

Hello, Mama. Yeah, for sure. I've always known I didn't want just one. Has the thought of adoption crossed your mind? Yes. Absolutely. That might be a discussion for another episode. Are we done?

No. Yeah. I was going to say because the other thing, the last thing that's been like haunting me. is covid nobody knows like such a crazy time to be pregnant and to worry about sickness and hospitals and just everything so real quick i sound nasly because i just got done with my 10 day isolation after testing positive for covid yes and a uh i'm humbled by i'm humbled with gratitude realizing that wow you know what I didn't feel that good I was achy and whatever but I also didn't feel that bad and we have close family who's in the hospital right now and that I see you and has

been for a long time yeah it's been a roller coaster your prayers would be appreciated but you realize that you know to some extent I was like oh my gosh I got COVID what am I going to do but we've never been in a dire situation we don't have any preexisting conditions like we're so fortunate let me say that first and prayer set every other family out there who's been affected by this in a really grave way but on a on a personal note while we're talking about family those 10 days where you and I interacted for a total of 10 minutes across the room and I never I didn't touch you didn't hold drew no no you didn't come near drew was oh my gosh i can't even describe the loneliness the i mean i felt

worthless because you were doing all of the parenting i felt uh guilty and it was just a humble reminder that my gosh every second that that we get together every second that we get with drew it up like i i was watching you is really interesting you were stressed out with drew not eating and you're stressed out by her knocking things over which is i've been there a thousand times but day like two without holding her i would look at that and be like what i wouldn't give to like just be right there with her and be able to pick her up when she's doing something she's you know what i'm saying anyway um so yes a second child in the current environment does seem

you know on the one hand terrifying but on the other hand when you look back on this year what an amazing like we didn't have to deal with the stress of going in to work

or traveling for work or leaving the house really we got this first full year with Drew to be together and if the next 15 months or anything like the last seven. Honestly, it's kind of a good time to have a baby.

Yeah. I feel like in the sense that you get to enjoy every moment. Obviously, there's a lot of anxiety as an adult and stresses, but from a parenting aspect, there's a lot of positives. And then we do have. Sorry, did I voice that well? Do you agree with things I said? Because it is terrifying, don't get me wrong.

I think we also have to make sure we say that we have no idea how long it'll take. What, to get out of the? To get pregnant. Yeah. It could take a month. It could take five years. I mean, that's the other daunting part is every time you go into that, you don't know if you're going to miss care. You don't know what complications will come with it.

The anxiety and worry you get from having. no control and just waiting for your, you know, miracle baby to come. It's just, it's a lot. But I'm excited. Does any part of you, now that I'm thinking about it more, I'm backtracking. Well, no, no, no. I'm saying we had the miscarriage, the first pregnancy, the second pregnancy. We had Drew.

And now part of my mind is like, oh, we're in the clear. We talked about this in previous podcast, but it's like, We're good now. No, I don't feel that at all. That's kind of a trick that my mind's playing on me. You know what I'm saying? It's like, oh, we did it once. It'll happen again.

I'm optimistic that we could have another kid, but I'm not naive to the fact that it's very common and it could very easily happen again. Are there things that put you at higher risk, do you think? I don't know. I don't know. Gymnastics past, things like that, irregularities with that? I think that did closer to the first pregnancy.

Really? Yeah, just because I was still pretty unhealthy when it came to medications and taking Adderall and being obsessed over what I ate and having like a restrictive diet and just the anxiety that came with that. I think that affect my health and ability to carry. But I hope that my gymnastics past has now kind of wiped its slate. And you're normalized. Okay.

I respect that. I hope so too. I don't know what this process will look like. So you're saying you're on board? Yeah. You're on board? Yeah. Let's go.

Ba, blah, blah, let's do it. 202, they say that's chaos. If we could pull that off. That would be chaos.

Wow. Well, I'm excited. Yeah. Let the journey begin. We better start practicing. Okay. okay we got to we got to do our research on what it takes to have a boy that is a myth what all of that is a myth what the doggy style

andrew oh man you're not we're not right no we're not no all right another another topic for a future conversation yes well All right. Sean and I clearly have other things to do. So we're going to wrap this episode up. Oh my gosh. You do look good.

You said you like my scruff. Get away. You said get away. Get away. If you could see my smile if you're listening to this. I feel like it's covering my full face. Anyway. Because you think you're getting lucky right now?

Happy. You're not getting lucky right now. Happy Wednesday. Happy December. happy December and thank you for listening if you haven't please give the show a subscription and a rating whatever platform we're listening to and tune in I think next week we should talk about adoption let's do it I think it's worth the conversation so if you want to be a part of that conversation just subscribe and we'll see you we'll see you next time thanks for tuning in

have a wonderful day this is the East fan out You know,