Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 54 The One About Intimacy

Episode Date: February 24, 2021

This week on Couple Things, we tackle the topic you've all been asking for...Intimacy. What it means to us, how we view intimacy, and so much more. Some of the other topics that we cover are: - what is intimacy? - some of your questions - how we have kept it alive - how things change in different seasons of life - how to stay intimate during pregnancy - how to not make intimacy a chore when trying to have kids - balancing different sex drives - intimacy with a baby in the room? - who should initiate it? - non-physical things to keep intimacy alive in the relationship - how often? - is it normal to struggle with intimacy during marriage If you haven’t yet, please rate Couple Things and subscribe to hear more. Follow us on Instagram to keep the conversation going at https://www.instagram.com/couplething...​ And if you have suggestions/recommendations for the show, send us your ideas in a video format – we might just choose yours! Email us at [e-mail]. We're supported by the following companies that we love! Check them out below: Juneshine ▶ We’ve worked out an exclusive deal for Couple Things podcast listeners. Receive 20% off PLUS Free Shipping on their best-selling variety pack. This is a great way to try all of their delicious flavors. Go to https://www.JUNESHINE.com/EASTFAM or use code EASTFAM at checkout to claim this deal. Keep in mind, this discount is only valid for their variety pack, but don’t worry, you’re gonna love all of these flavors. Amphuman ▶ Simply visit https://www.amphuman.com/EASTFAM and use code EASTFAM15 to get 15% off D+ Lotion. That’s amphuman.com/EASTFAM and use code EASTFAM15 to get 15% off their D+ Lotion today! SLINGTV ▶ Take control of your TV experience today and get your first month for just $10 by going to SlingTV.com/EASTFAM Honey ▶ Get Honey for free at join https://www.honey.com/EASTFAM. That’s join Honey dot come slash EASTFAM. FAN MAIL ADDRESS: Shawn and Andrew East 750 N San Vicente Blvd., East Tower, 11th Floor, Los Angles, CA 90069 Follow My Instagram ▶ http://www.instagram.com/ShawnJohnson​​​​ Like the Facebook page! ▶ http://www.facebook.com/ShawnJohnson​​​​ Follow My Twitter ▶ http://www.twitter.com/ShawnJohnson​​​​ Snapchat! ▶ @ShawneyJ Follow AndrewsTwitter ▶ http://www.twitter.com/AndrewDEast​​​​ Follow My Instagram ▶ http://www.instagram.com/AndrewDEast​​​​ Like the Facebook page! ▶ http://www.facebook.com/AndrewDEast​​​​ Snapchat! ▶ @AndrewDEast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sean and I have one rule in our relationship, and that's always be honest. We call it transparency. Again, that's an indication that you are able to be intimate. Yes. Is the ability to share sensitive things like that that you might be embarrassed about. What's up, everybody? Welcome back to Couple Things with Sean and Andrew. A podcast all about couples.

And the things they go through. Today, let's talk about. I can't do it. Let's talk about what? Sex, baby. Okay, well, here's the thing. We're actually talking about intimacy. Yes.

Sean, not just sex. Which we'll get into our thoughts on that whole comment right there. My second issue with what you just did is you didn't finish singing the song. I know, I got nervous. Do you want to take another take at it? No. This has been a highly requested episode. And so we're excited to share our thoughts.

We've put together a nice little outline, mostly constructed of your question. questions that have been submitted via Instagram mainly, am I correct? Yes. So, yes, thank you. Before we jump in to the show, please subscribe to it. Give it a rating. If you've listened to previous episodes and like it, we really appreciate it. We'll give you a moment to do that.

And welcome back. Okay. So I just want to start here as we talk about intimacy, romance, you could call it sex. We found some stats here. Yes. Some of these were really eye-opening. Yeah. others were concerning yeah let's go through them so here's a thing the stats say most married couples

have sex five times a month okay I feel like we're about on par there really okay just about it also says 40% of spouses said that they have sex three or four times a week which doesn't make sense that doesn't make sense this is both from the same website and those two numbers so they just go hard one week out of the month and then they just chill out yeah um committed relationships make women almost twice as likely to uh have orgasms how do you feel about saying that never said that publicly but we're doing it so only 48% of married women want regular sex after four years couples who are married longer actually become more likely to be sexually active bottom line get over the post honeymoon hump and things are likely to be even more

intimate so what they're saying is you have yes a lot of sex initially after marriage then the couple years after that first few months yes it's a lull yes and then they say you actually find your group kind of like a second wind again all these things we're going to talk about because we have a lot of thoughts about it and last that we wanted to share was more than six percent of married women say it's been over a year since they have had sex with their spouse and and experts actually define a sex sexless marriage is having sex no more than 10 times in any given year which is essentially less than once a month

which is crazy reading reading, playing, learning Stellist lenses do more than just correct your child's vision they slow down the progression of myopia so your child can continue to discover all the world has to offer through their own eyes light the path to a brighter future

with stellar lenses for myopia control learn more at SLR.com and ask your family eye care professional for SLO-Stellus Lenses at your child's next visit. That's considered a sexless marriage. Okay, so here's the thing. We wanted to address this topic because obviously people don't actually like talking about it, but they like listening to it. Exactly.

And it is an important thing in relationships, and so we've gone long enough without discussing it. So I want to start with what we opened with, which is sex versus intimacy. This podcast, we are saying, is about intimacy. I want to start with, I think one of the biggest mistakes people can make in relationships as singles, as a married couple within the dating world, is that they think intimacy equals sex. Yes. And I personally believe that's only a piece of the puzzle. So you looked up the definition of intimacy yesterday and it was the feeling of closeness.

the feeling of closeness um yes and so that i think intimacy is a is the more important component than sex right although we were discussing that sex is almost like a signal or an indicator of how intimate a couple may or may not be yes and to try to like dive into that a little bit more in explaining our thought we we debriefed this whole podcast yesterday before we got into it because we have so many thoughts about it. I think intimacy is that deeper connection you learn to feel with your spouse that goes past vulnerability.

So you get to know each other, you know what you like, you know what you, and I'm not talking about sex. I'm just talking about like, you like this color, you don't like this food. You learn each other. And then you're sitting on the couch one night,

holding hands, cuddling. You could be making out. You could be watching a movie, but you feel so close and so connected that it's just this trust and this deep comfort. I think that is intimacy. So it's like the most tender, unguarded, most vulnerable, almost like the core, playful, like inner untouched, like naive child in you, right? Like of like, okay, this is, this is Sean. It's not all the accomplishments you have or the insecurities like this is kind of the essence of who Sean is and getting to that point is intimacy and going a step further I think having sex the right way and I'm not talking biblically I'm talking about like the most vulnerable intimate form

can only be reached when you reach that intimacy that has nothing to do with sex does that make sense yeah no it does and and so i think that yeah again it's not necessarily about how you're having sex when you're having sex it's like it's just like oh we have sex frequently and so that's it kind is just like a again indication that we're close and yes and we'll talk about how shot and i have kind of progressed through that and different phases that we've gone through where we've not felt close and not had sex, et cetera, and on. But I will say, obviously, we'll be discussing sex and things of the sort. It's funny, I mentioned this book a lot, but 30 Lessons on Loving.

This author talks about how, no matter what age we are, whether we're 30, whether we're 15, whether we're 60, the thoughts of older people having sex or talking about sex makes us uncomfortable, which is kind of fun, right? Like when you're a little kid, it's like, you know, teenagers having sex. It's like, ew, disgusting. And then like you and I kind of think about sex with the like older people talking about sex and it makes this uncomfortable. Anyway, it's just kind of a side note.

But, um, yes, I, I do think that this issue of sex, to your point, people equate intimacy to sex. And it's, it's really been glorified. Yes. In so many different ways by so many different ways by so many of. people so Sean and I were discussing yesterday like the culture culture you know glorifies sex is like this animalistic like kind of vulgar like oh this is the main drive of humanity and like this is this is what true enjoyment and pleasure looks like but then you have like the Christian

background which you and I both kind of come from that glorifies it as like this idle in a different sense of, hey, it's so important that you should kind of be intimidated by and don't get within an arm's reach unless you're following X, Y, and Z rule with X, Y, and Z person and all these different settings. And they put so many boundaries on it that it also becomes, like, in a different sense, glorified. So we're going to dive into each of these topics even more. Don't worry, because I know we're covering a lot. but what made us want to dive so deep into the intimacy versus sex is I asked you guys on

Instagram what questions you had about intimacy for this podcast. You asked that verbatim. Verbatim. And it was interesting. Andrew and I went through literally all of the questions. And I found it fascinating that the questions were so specific. And I didn't see it as an offensive thing at all. so that's not what I'm saying.

I thought it was fascinating because you guys wanted to know how many times a week, like do we do, do we have sex? What was the first time like? What was, how do you mix things up in the bedroom? What do you do specifically postpartum to help with lulls? And what it came down to is what Andrew's talking about, the glorification of sex versus intimacy. When you find that true intimacy,

with your partner when you trust them and you get to such a place of love in that childlike just giddiness and ability to let all guards down specifics do not matter every specific is going to be different for every single person if you have sex once a week or once a month and that works for you and your partner that's awesome Yeah. And, you know, this is speaking from personal experience, but what you just said. But like, we also, it's just like kind of a stylistic thing where like people are into different things and people have different background connotations. And so, you know, maybe we could do a different episode about, you know, you and I specifically in like the nitty gritty details. But honestly, we just didn't feel like it was our point or in our place to specifically endorse or condone like certain patterns or style. files, whatever. So do know that. And like I was saying, it's, it come, everything comes with time and everything comes in phases. And what you like yesterday doesn't mean you'll like it tomorrow. And what we do might not work for what you guys want. And it's just, I understand wanting the,

the relatability factor of, you know, people always want to justify that what they're doing is okay or what they're doing is right or what they're doing is working for their relationship. And that's not what we're here to talk about. We're here to talk about how you find what works for you and what works within your relationship. Yes. So the first question was when you asked that, someone replied, what does that even mean about intimacy?

And we kind of addressed that. It doesn't always mean sex. It's like actually achieving me getting to that place of tenderness. Well, and that's something Andrew and I have had many conversations about over the years of us dating and then being married is how do we find that connection because there are times like at the end of the day where it's like I just I just can't go jump into bed you have to be able to know each other well enough to know how do I reach that vulnerability and get there in order to have fun and be so open and enjoy such an intimate moment so I think that's a good parlay into

the second question that was frequently asked is how do you keep it alive so we've been married coming up on five years yes and again our mission with the show is not to share like advice we're not family counselors it's really just to share our story hopefully that you can relate with uh feel free to you know chime in and and share what your story is but i think that concept of when you first meet you have this just natural desire to want to jump jump each other's bones as you say I'd never I'd never heard you say that I want to jump your bones I want to jump your bones I'd never heard it until you said that but but then like it does kind of become a in some instances like a practice that you have to keep up and it's like I don't want to say a fake it till you make it

because that means different things to different people in this but it's like you have to it's like it's like a almost a muscle that you have to work well of serving each other and building that ability to tap into intimacy. I think how do you keep it alive? That's what everyone keeps asking. I think if you go into marriage or a relationship with the understanding that phases are normal, that alone, that one thought alone can keep it alive. Because if you go into your marriage thinking that your intimate life is going to,

to be exactly what it looks like after your wedding day, you are going to fail miserably. I mean, nobody can keep that up. I'm not saying like frequency. I'm just saying you have such this, how do I say that? Like naive desire right after you get married,

where it's just like, I just want to jump your bones, does it? Jump your bones. But I think a piece of what you're saying too is understanding that sex, specifically again because it's glorified is not the most important part no of a relationship so the fact that you can go through phases and hey you know we we just had a baby so we're not going to have sex probably for a couple weeks for sure maybe a couple months probably and that's okay because i can actually

appreciate and love you and yeah and be intimate with you we'll talk about it despite us and not having so but something that i think that goes hand in hand with the phases is is you almost don't need massive amounts of communication right at the beginning because you guys are both so just head over heels and love that it's like, oh, I don't care, just we're going to jump each other's bones. But as you go through phases, as you grow, as you go through arguments, as you get kind of weighed down by life or by work and go through just all of it, go through all of it.

if you don't have open communication and transparency in order that like allows you guys to talk about how you're changing as a person what your needs are what you like what like do you do you need to have your spouse take you out to a movie and have a romantic dinner and light a candle and put on lingerie in order to feel that vulnerable intimate like way with your spouse like what do you need at different phases of life? Yeah, yeah. So there's there's a self-awareness component to that. Yes. And then there's the courage to share that. Yes. Right. And it's like some people feel ashamed that like whatever. Like I need that. Some people I guess maybe don't feel comfortable talking about it. But open communication against Sean and I have one rule in our relationship and that's always be

honest. We call it transparency. Transparency. And so like it's just that again, that's an indication that you are able to be intimate is the ability to share sensitive things like that that you might be embarrassed about and know that the other person is still going to love you and accept you despite it so another part you have the sacrifice communication another part that goes with it is uh did i i said you have the phases communication another part is is the sacrifice and so again maybe if maybe i asked you to put on lingerie because it's a thing of mine and you don't necessarily always want to like there's maybe going to be at some middle ground sacrifice that we both have to make and that's a small example but like yes we talked about this this topic of sacrifice within an intimate relationship

and there are some very very very very strong boundaries there that we are not talking about we are not talking about force no nothing forced no nothing done that you don't want to do not nothing that doesn't make you feel safe anything like that is out of the window that's not what we're talking about we're talking about within a trusted safe relationship i know that andrew's needs are different than mine it's just like we've talked about before in communicating we communicate in different languages yeah and it's it's my job as his wife to learn his language and to learn what he needs to feel loved and desired and intimate and it's his job to do the same thing for me so if putting on lingerie one night even though i feel bloated because i just ate a cheeseburger

is going to like make him feel desired and loved heck yeah i'll do it you do look good in that though but along with that like the sacrifice of we're not always going to be that goes in phases and sometimes sean is like all right i want to get after it this week and i'm like uh i'm not like feeling that same way yes and again there's there's a whole like consensual portion of this but yeah yeah and so it's like okay well I might not feel revved up and ready to go but I can I can serve you in this way and be in sacrifice you know whatever I need to to make that happen I think for me those ebbs and flows if you're constantly waiting for both of you to be in the mood and in the same intimate setting you're probably not going to be intimate very often just because you're

different people but for me I've learned over time and I think Andrew has done the same that I feel I feel so intimate and desired and loved when he's like I'm feeling it I'm like dang okay I did something to make him feel like he just loves me that much that he wants to get on that level yeah and on that point it's taken us a year to get to that point of me actually understanding that that that's important to you and so if you're discouraged right now with wherever you might be understand that there is a time component to this and the practice and like literally repetitions as unromantic as that sounds it's like oh you know i'm a i'm pretty much just like a meathead caveman that can't understand that sean needs communication needs me to like tell her that she's

beautiful and you know these things and that's important to you so the last part i wanted i wanted to bring up with how to keep it alive is this idea of like playfulness and again i'm i'm not talking about weird sex fetishes although if you're into it that's what you guys are into um i shouldn't use it's not weird it's not talking about sex fetish i just mean like that again going back to that the intimacy that core essence of like be the just like what is who is Sean and can I make her giggle and is this am I making her feel loved and safe today's episode and I think in our relationship an indication of that is like this idea of oh that brings out a certain playfulness in you where we can have actually fun yes when we

are intimate I think one of the flaw major flaws in society is this idea of intimacy and romanticism and the perfect fairy tale ending. And you watch every movie and sex scenes and intimate scenes are so just not realistic. Let's just go there. It's just, it's like a fairy tale ending of sex, if that makes sense. And that's not how it works. Within a marriage, it's hard and interesting. and you go through weird slums

and you're trying to figure out how bodies work together and it's just like if you can't laugh at it and have fun to figure it out which is not a motion picture movie at the beginning then you gotta throw that expectation

out the window. Just have fun and if you're allowing yourself again to be so vulnerable that you trust someone that much to be so intimate with it just makes it easier. Yeah, but again, that might take time.

Yes. So, know that. A couple things. It's brought to you by June Shine. If you didn't see on my Instagram, I posted about it the other day. Last week, Nashville got hit with a ton of snow. You didn't have any fun with that, did you? We went snowboarding down our driveway.

It was a blast. But I also loved warming up by the fire while drinking some of my new favorite drink, June Shine. I know. It was almost like you turned the backyard into, like, like a true snow mountain. It was hysterical. It was sick. You love June China, though.

But I don't blame you. It's better for you than other adult beverages. It's a hard kombucha, if you guys don't know. It's so low in sugar. It's easy on the gut. It's gluten-free and full of probiotics. And the taste is amazing. I actually tried it before I got pregnant.

I don't care who you are. You're going to love it. Plus, their flavors are so unique. I mean, blood orange mint. Come on, baby. Talk to me. It's so good. And they're now shipping nationwide so you can try.

try it too. That's right. We've worked out an exclusive deal for a couple things podcast listeners. Receive 20% off plus free shipping on their best selling variety pack. This is a great way to try all of their delicious flavors. Go to jonshine.com forward slash eastfam or use code east fam at checkout to claim this deal. Keep in mind, this discount is only valid for their variety pack, but don't worry, you're going to love all of these flavors. That's June Shine. J-U-N-E-S-H-I-N-E.com slash EastFam. I love the name. And we're also going to link it down below.

Another question, moving on. So we have, what is being intimate even mean? Yes. How to keep it alive. Third, how do things change in different seasons of life? So we've married for five years, been through the honeymoon, been through our first kid, been through now three pregnancies. I've had a child who's now like a year and a half. So many life transitions when it comes to careers, moving cities, all the stress.

dresses, whatever, how do things change in regards to intimacy? One thing that comes to my mind is the first four months after we had Drew, we were not having that much sex, maybe a handful, I don't know, maybe a handful of times in four months. But the more important thing is deeper than that is I don't know that we actually felt that closely connected there's we were going through a massive transition of like being carefree 26 year olds to like okay now we're parents and we have way different and deeper responsibilities and so we were going through those changes individually and like trying to come to terms with that and as a result I think we kind of felt the strain of that in a variety of

different reasons, right? Yes, which, again, just going full circle, makes me believe and want to reiterate even more that I don't think sex is a relationship, if that makes sense. Yes. Sex is only a small part of it. You are going to spend 90% of your relationship not having sex with your, with your spouse. So if you can't figure out how to navigate, the 90% of life you're going to live not in bed then sex won't work and when you go through these massive changes and marriage and kids and moving and stresses of work and everything if you can't learn how to communicate what's going on and how you're feeling and how your body's feeling and what different needs you need or like what different things you need within your life

then that 90% is going to be affected, which is obviously going to affect your sex life. And for us, especially after having Drew, I was postpartum, so my hormones were all over the place. I definitely had a little bit of PTSD from just birth. Let's just kind of read between lines there. I didn't need anything down in that area. And I did.

I just felt disconnected because we were living such a massive transition of life that affected our relationship so that was obviously going to affect our intimacy. We didn't know how to be intimate at the time. I didn't know how to talk to you. I didn't know how I didn't know how to find time in our relationship to talk to you. Yeah. And again, maybe a potential whole different episode. Yeah.

I actually think though once we made it through that slump. Oh, for sure. We're having like more fun and enjoying. sex more. Yes. Because we've just learned a lot about each other. Yes. And like we've also kind of grown this ability to have a sense of humor about things and

we're more comfortable with each other. And anyway, I like where I like where we're at now better than where we were, even on our honeymoon. I agree. And it's great, but that comes with time. For sure. So learning each other's needs is another thing. And you kind of touched on it, but it's not about the specifics because everybody's different.

Everybody has different contexts and styles, whatever, but it's mostly about communication. Yes. That's the most important thing. Yes. Well, and Andrew and I realized our disconnect after Drew, which it can be normal for everyone. Having a kid is a massive life change, but we recognize it. And that's when we've told you guys about this. we started date nights once a week and another comment another question you guys have asked is like

after our kids do you schedule sex do you like schedule intimacy and my whole thought on that is no but i think it's really important that you schedule write it down on the calendar and you know put it in stone once a week once every other week time for just you and your spouse so that you can feel connected enough that the intimacy can be spontaneous. Yeah, it's like, it's almost like solving a math problem of

of, okay, what, it's, again, it's not about sex, but what can I do to give us the highest probability of being able to be intimate? Or having a deep conversation or learning something new about you. And I know that it's not going to be

laying on the couch, tired after a long day of work, tired after putting Drew down and being a parent. It's going to be like actually setting aside time, sitting down, looking at you in the eyes. And it just, that increases the probability, right? So it's almost like this, you know,

actions can actually direct your feelings type of thing, which is kind of a foreign concept to a lot of people. But it's like if you train this muscle of date night, date night, date night, date night, it starts becoming like this safe haven of, of being able to be intimate. So next question. How do you stay intimate during pregnancy? This was frequently asked.

I guess you kind of talked about it. Yes and no. When we first got pregnant with Drew, I mean, again, I don't feel like until we had a child, we got on such a vulnerable level that we were able to communicate everything to each other. Yeah, we were like just torn to our,

we were having so many conflicts because we hadn't had to have these difficult conversations or reach this point of like extreme frustration and be like what the freak is this about I hadn't seen this four years the past four years of marriage like who is this person so in a sense being pregnant and having our having drew allowed us to grow so close that we felt comfortable enough to communicate so many things but it started with pregnancy so staying intimate during pregnancy was definitely hard at first because the first trimester though you were feeling it yes you're trying to get after it for sure Sean calls it jumping jump in my bones I call it naked time naked time yeah yes first trimester is fun for me um but it was interesting because since first

trimester was like that going in a second trimester and actually feeling my body change and feeling that affect our intimate life was really hard for me to vocalize because part of it made me feel self-conscious which never translates well into sex or the bedroom ever because if you're self-conscious it's it's just not working you're in your head too much you're not truly trusting your spouse and having fun and so we struggled with that around the second trimester for a while before we got to a point where we're like listen This is happening. Yeah.

And we got to figure this out. And it just, it might be awkward at first, but you have to talk about it. It was, pregnancy was honestly the best thing to happen to our sex life. Because it was like, it's just kind of a ridiculous situation where it's like, okay, you go from like wearing, you go from like being this smoke show supermodel to like now you have, no, you still are. I'm saying though, now you have a basketball in the way. It's, like, hilarious. It's hilarious. Right?

Yes. And that's also these thoughts that I had in the self-conscious way of, like, I was like, maybe I don't know if, like, a pregnant body doesn't for him. Like, is he into this? Is he not? And so one night we literally got to laughing. And I was like, we need to talk about this because I feel uncomfortable. this just isn't working the physics of this isn't working how can we you know and it was so good and we did we got past it but I truly believe it's just communication humor because I mean ladies

look at our bodies it's already humorous it's beautiful yeah but it's humorous you're wearing a basketball it also was an opportunity it was a challenge for sure but it turned into an opportunity of like okay you you were self-conscious yes and how how can I make you feel beautiful make you feel loved to make you feel physically attractive through this and it was like just so good I just yeah I remember one thing I don't know if you remember this but it just meant a lot to me was something that we started doing I get really really cold when I get pregnant which is really strange. I know it's usually the opposite.

And every night I would take a warm bath. And after we had this conversation, I didn't say like, oh, I would love if you got in the bath with me. But he started joining me. And it just became this like raw intimate moment where it was, it was, yeah, it was just beautiful. Yeah. It was a fun time to share.

I'm going to just kind of rehash. Well, it's actually interesting. And it's not, sex is not the end goal. But again, it is a indication. So how can you optimize the probability that you're going to have sex? Like, sorry, if you're a husband in the pregnancy situation. And it's like, for me, that was not my end goal, but me being with you in the bath, unlock the door and open the door of potential intimacy.

So it's just like, it's such an interesting, actually, I think way to look at it of like, oh, increased. how can I best how can I you know most increase my chance of having sex with my wife I get I get what you're saying instead of making it sound bad like it's strategic yeah correct me here to getting sex I think something that you actually wrote down you skimmed over but I think sex is an awesome indication of how your relationship is doing yeah because if it's not fun if it's a sure if it's not happening as often as you want if your needs aren't being met if like some all of these things if those things are happening then I think you should take a step back and look

at your relationship are you communicating deep enough are you laughing with each other enough are you asking the questions that you should be asking in order to to make your spouse feel wanted and desired and loved and special like if you you, if you aren't, I think if you start, you'll notice a massive difference within your intimate life. Yeah, but it's not about the sex ultimately. No. But it's everything that comes with it, yes. But I think if you take that, like, direction, you're going to notice your relationship is going to be better, too.

It's almost like a KPI in business, like a key performance indicator. Yeah. They're like, yeah. Anyway, so how do you stay intimate during pregnancy? I do think that it's, you know, it's challenging to work through phases like pregnancy, but through every challenge, there's an opportunity. Yes. To increase communication and things like that.

But gosh, I want to do a full episode on this one. The next question, how to not make intimacy or sex a chore when you're trying to have kids? So we did the ovulation test. We've done like the whole cycle. And it's so interesting that the ovulation test does make sex a chore. Oh my gosh. Where it's like, okay, the next three days, it's game time. So let's just bang it out.

And it's like, well, this isn't fun. No, it's not. I was overthinking it. I was like, oh my gosh, if we don't have, if we don't make this happen right now, then friggin, we got to wait another, you know what I'm saying? It's just. Yes. And I, yes, we could do an entire episode about this.

It's so hard. It's such a fine balance because there's so many people out there that struggle with infertility where it's like that you only have that option. It's not like you can just play. clay around and have fun for years on in waiting for it to happen and for us since we did have trouble with drew and the miscarriage the first time we went the ovulation route we went the tracking we went to cycling everything and it messed us up because I started getting in my head about like this isn't how it's supposed to be we shouldn't be having sex to make a baby and it not be like

beautiful and roses and so romantic and this perfect moment it shouldn't it shouldn't be a chore which thinking that alone affected everything and trying going to tell my husband like oh it's time we like we need to do this right now is not attractive and doesn't make someone feel desired or loved and it's just such a hard game so I would say how do you not make it a chore the easiest way is to just pull the goalie and have fun a lot however you can but i think it's such a nuanced conversation it's such a nuanced conversation but i think it goes back ultimately to that idea of like sacrifice of like we're doing this for a greater purpose or like i'm doing this to serve you or i'm doing this to serve our future family whatever it is so i think that's

one way to look at it um we would just agree with all of you that it's hard that's a hard one and we haven't figured it out yet how do you balance different sex drives again communication i think not holding grudges or like uh being angry at the other person of like it goes both ways like oh my gosh sean always wants to have sex which is usually the case and i just want to freaking go to bed well no there's so it's so interesting because it's like time of day and preferences with that or like frequency and preferences of that it's like it can become like this you're you're kind of like stomping on my ground and like invading my personal space and territory but it's like no don't don't look at it like that it is an opportunity to be like you know let's

have a sense of humor about this yes and i can still make you feel loved don't make it something that you get upset or worked up about yes i think for us we've been gone through many phases of different sex drives where like I had more of a sex drive than him and then it would flip and then it would flip back and it would just like you're constantly being challenged with that I think after you have kids it like you said it changes what type of day and where and how and all of these different preferences and again humor and communication is pretty much your only route. Yeah.

If you don't tell your spouse that you have a completely different sex drive, then you're like setting them up for failure. You have to be able to tell each other that. It's important. Gosh, it's so funny. People ask a lot of specific questions. Yes.

Right? Do you have sex with a baby in the room? I don't want to say we've never done that. I honestly think it's weird enough to have a dog in the room. It is. But personally, that's how I feel. It is, yeah. But I prefer not to have sex with the child in the room.

Have we? I think we have. Yeah, yeah. We're like hotel rooms and stuff. Yes. You got to do what you got to do. But yeah. The dog is almost weirder than the baby.

Thoughts on who should initiate sex specifically. Ah, it doesn't matter. it shouldn't matter if you're feeling it do it no no no but this okay you're oversimplifying this stephen linda zanako gave us really good advice on this yes because and we struggle with this if i try to initiate and you shut me down yes i like it is a core affecting issue where i'm like what the heck did i do wrong and i'll go to bed mad and then it's like and then it's same for me so one thing that stephen linda said was you have a candle or whatever you want to put on the side of your bed and you can light the candle.

If I'm in the mood, I can light my candle and you'll know like, okay, A, you can, we can either make moves. Yeah. Or B, we can have a discussion about it. And it's not like us in the, you know, heat of the battle where it's like, we're making out and then you shut me down and go to bed. It's like, hey, I see you let your candle bed. And we can have a conversation about it. And like, can we defer this till the morning or whatever it is?

Like we haven't started doing the candle thing but I will say something we have started is we struggled with that for a long time or I did because dealing with different sex drives and different preferences of time and just all these different things trying to like match each other's ebbs and flows like we talked about I would want to initiate but I felt self-conscious to because I would think to myself oh well if he's not initiating he must not he must not want to yeah yeah and he's over there thinking, oh, she's not initiating, so she must not want to and all these different things. And we would have, we had many, many conversations about this where it just kind of took time for us to figure it out. But I truly believe it doesn't matter. And you just have to learn how to be receptive. And you also have to learn. And I think you should talk to your spouse about it how to say honey not tonight in the language in the way that your spouse can receive it the best yeah one thing one thing we've done better is like we've actually just you kind of you realize that hey if it's if we're laying in bed and I'm like head on my pillow

I'm I'm wanting to go to bed and so like it'll be earlier than that you'll tell me like hey you want to go cuddle, winky face, right? And so that's like a good compromise. Yes. I'm more of a morning person, person anyway. Hey, I've gotten there. I've gotten there. Winky face. I can't believe you just said a winky face. But the candle, that whole concept of just like of I think, let's call it white space. And you and I were talking about this of like the ability to to not make or have to make decisions in the heat of the battle. It's like it just gives you. some space to have conversations to think things through to to learn how to be respectful to you know it's just like it's not right there it also like like you understand the candle if you guys can

figure out some sort of way to like subliminally communicate with each other to allow each other enough time to think about it process it maybe get in the mood if you're not yeah all of these different things it just allows for that for more space for you to succeed as one another yeah by space it's almost like quite literally time yeah like oh you know I'm not feeling it tonight I see Sean let her candle so how can I let me have 30 seconds to actually think of how I can let her down gently with this yes okay what non physical things do we do to keep intimacy alive in our relationship date night is huge yes having one night every single week to truly just connect with each other and feel like husband and wife

and whether it ends in sex or not doesn't matter it just sets us up for success that week and feeling intimate enough and vulnerable enough for that to happen another thing that's honestly been huge is our time in the morning and this is why we have unicorn coffee is because it's our it's uranize special time to start today to actually connect. and like we do our reading and we have usually I'd say I'd say three or four out of seven days of the week we'll have like a good conversation even though it's going to be a 10 minute window of like okay we're drinking our coffee we're having this conversation I'm learning something about you that's a special time for us we've also set aside at least 10 minutes every night

this sounds weird and silly but we have drink time bev time which is of water but as soon as we put Drew down or finish cleaning up the kitchen or whatever we meet at the like kitchen table and sit there and like have our beverage of choice and just talk about the day it's so easy to fall yeah before we like turn on Netflix or whatever whatever we do um yeah and so by the way I want to make this I really don't want you listening to think like oh my gosh all they do is just talk and like they're so great they don't even like waste any time time. It's all us gazing into a trailer's eyes. That's not the case at all. We watch just as much Netflix as you do, but we have done certain things, small windows of time that have actually

gone and made a big difference of like 10 minutes in the morning. Maybe it's just, it's even five minutes sometimes after we put Drew down. For those who have kids, it's like, but it's an opportunity for Sean to get anything off her chest, share any frustrations, kind of debrief, recap the day. That's been really good when it comes to us maintaining that sense of intimacy. a couple of things is also brought to you by honey remember during our episode about money and relationships and Andrew said that I was the bigger spender of the two of us okay so it's true but I got to tell you about how I save money while shopping

all right honestly this is really the coolest go ahead so whenever you get to the checkout there's always a box that asks for a promo coat I rarely ever have one on hand but I'm always wishing that I did Well, Honey literally searches the internet for you for promo codes and automatically adds them to your cart so that you can get a discount, which means you can shop even more. Honestly, Honey does all of the work for you. They support more than 30,000 online stores. I've saved so much money on clothes, headphones, even on our food delivery. And I know Sean has saved quite a lot of money yourself as well.

Enough money to continue shopping. Honey has found it's more than 17 million users over $2 billion in savings. $2 billion in savings. If you don't already have honey, you could be straight up missing out on free savings. It's literally free and installs in a few seconds. And by getting it, you'll be doing yourself a favor and supporting this podcast. Get honey for free at join honey.com slash eastfam. That's join honey.com slash eastfam.

We'll also link it down below. Let's get back to it. So next question. I think this one is funny. How do you decide how often you have sex? I want to revisit what you said earlier about. It doesn't matter who initiates. Okay.

I shut you down because the initiation is a massive part of sex. Yes. But I think what you were saying is like it's not like we have this super traditional marriage where it's like, oh, only the man can initiate sex and you do it on his schedule. You meant like it should be this open flow of communication. Yes. And anyway, how do you decide how often to have sex? It's like, well, it depends on, you know, it depends on the communication that you're having.

Yes. I think if you make it too much of a data point of, oh, we have to hit our quota, we have to have sex this many times this month. We have to, that puts too much pressure on the situation. I think if it's the middle of the day and all of a sudden you're feeling it, tell your spouse. Afternoon delight. I just, I think if you release yourself from feeling like you need to be another data point where you have sex three or four times a week or whatever, then you allow yourself the opportunity to just have fun. It's so funny. When you talk about sex, I feel like there's so many innuendos that people make.

Like, you just use the word release and people use that in the sexual context. I just don't like how, like, yeah, I'm reading it. Anyway, that's not what you meant at all. And then, like, balancing busy schedules, like the frequency, this kind of alludes to the kind of the more higher perspective issue of boundaries in life. And it's like, are you working until 9 p.m.? and waking up and starting your workday at 6 a.m., you're probably not going to be having sex, and you're probably not going to be connecting with your wife

or your spouse or partner in that way. Yeah. So what are the boundaries that you're actually establishing to allow that intimacy? Again, reiterating to another, just going back to the beginning, I think the most important thing is to not think too much about what Google statistics are telling you.

if you have sex every single day of the year and you and your spouse love that, awesome. Congratulations. If you don't, that's okay. If you are into all the gadgets and gizmos and things, and that's what, like, you and your spouse love and desire, awesome.

That's awesome. That's great for you. It is such a thing about trust and vulnerability. And removing shame and embarrassment from the equation. So it's great. It's just and that's what I love about marriage is like it is kind of because it has the contract portion of it because it has like this lifelong commitment aspect of it like actually is the maybe the only type of relationship where you could have that type of like, hey, Sean, to be honest with you, I am into this gadget. And it'd be like, oh, I didn't know that. I'm not, but how can we work through it?

Right? Like, yes. It's great. Anyway, you don't need to relate to other people with your sex life. You don't. Because it's not theirs. It's yours and your spouses. Yes.

Isn't normal to struggle with intimacy sometimes in marriage. We will reemphasize this over and over again. Yes. And don't get overly discouraged. It's normal to be discouraged. I'm not saying don't be discouraged, but it's phases. And this phase is going to end, whatever you're in. Yes.

And it's okay. If you're in a phase that you're concerned about in a safe space at a good time, whatever you deem that is, talk to your spouse about it. Yeah. That was a lot. I feel like we should maybe we have a lot of other questions like toys in the best room. What's the best loob? All of these different things.

we'll end this episode here yes Sean and I put a lot of thought and effort into this episode we hope that it was conveyed and we hope we communicated this well we hope that if anything this discussion has led you to feel encouraged about where you're at no matter where that is and just yeah we hope it provided value and made you feel the desire to want to more deeply connect to communicate and love your spouse, whatever that looks like for you.

So we will end it there. Yes. Part two, if you guys would like. Yes, let us know. Subscribe to this show if you liked it and give us a rating. If you'd like part two, did we not touch any questions that you would like us to discuss? Do you want us to share specifics? I don't know.

I don't know. We'll have to have that discussion. But we'd love to hear your feedback. So anyway, thank you for listening. We are so thankful for your time, and we hope that we just stewarded your time well there. So have a fantastic day. I'll talk to you later. Peace, fam.

Out.