Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 58 The One About Dealbreakers

Episode Date: March 24, 2021

This week on Couple Things, we talk about some potential dealbreakers when it comes to relationships. You guys asked for it, so here are a few of the "dealbreakers" that we cover: Can you have a relationship with an ex? Can your spouse have friends of the opposite sex? Differences in faith. Is diet a dealbreaker within a relationship? Kids Marriage Cheating and infidelity Rapid-fire questions Physical abuse If you haven’t yet, please rate Couple Things and subscribe to hear more. Follow us on Instagram to keep the conversation going at https://www.instagram.com/couplething...​ And if you have suggestions/recommendations for the show, send us your ideas in a video format – we might just choose yours! Email us at [e-mail]. We're supported by the following companies that we love! Check them out below: Best Fiends ▶ Download Best Fiends FREE today on the Apple App Store or Google Play. That’s FRIENDS without the R –Best Fiends! Mentionables ▶ Visit shopmentionables.com and check out my latest collection I designed with them in a new spring color: Rosé. Use the code EASTFAM for 10% off your purchase. Verb ▶ Receive over 50% off their best-selling starter kit. This is a great way to try any of their delicious flavors. Go to verbenergy.com/EASTFAM or use code EASTFAM at checkout to claim this deal. This discount is only valid for their starter kit. FAN MAIL ADDRESS: Shawn and Andrew East 750 N San Vicente Blvd., East Tower, 11th Floor, Los Angles, CA 90069 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Marriages aren't perfect. No human being is perfect. You will make mistakes every single day of your life. It's just for some reason within society, we put a scale as to what matters and what doesn't. What's up, everybody? Welcome back to a couple things. With Sean and Andrew. A podcast all about couples. And the things they go through. Today, we are doing a topic that you guys have requested, which is deal breakers within relationship. That's right. We asked Instagram, what would be some things that if you saw might be a red flag for you and might be something that you could no longer continue the relationship with. So we put together this list and we're going to talk through them and maybe some ways to work through these issues because we do think that there is a lot of value in working through difficult problems and difficult situations with your significant other. But maybe, just maybe, and this is up to you, there might be some things that you can't deal with. So we're just going to have discussion. A lot of these are really interesting. You guys had some very strong opinions on what would work and would not work within a relationship. Again, we are just giving our opinions when it comes to it. But I think this one's going to be fun. Yeah, maybe just, you know, be a little thought provoking. But before we jump into this list of, what is it, over 10 plus things, it might be deal breakers. A lot more than that. Yeah. Please, if you haven't yet subscribed this show and give it a rating on whatever platform you're listening on, we hope this show provides value. And our goal with all the content that we make is, to help you draw closer and feel deeper connected to your spouse and to your family.

So we hope that this does that. And anyway, let's get to it. Yes. Okay. We are going to dive right in. One of the most talked about topics within deal breakers or issues within relationships are exes. Okay, babe, what do you think?

Can you have a relationship with an ex? You're saying, am I dating this person? again? No, I'm saying you and I are married. Is it a deal breaker if I'm a friend with an ex of mine? So my initial reaction is no. Maybe there's some extenuating circumstances. It might allow for that door to be open. But I wouldn't feel maybe it's a pride thing. Maybe it's me not being secure enough in my manlyhood or in our relationship to let you do that. But I just don't view it as necessary. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I get that.

And I feel like I personally have gone back and forth on this topic. We've had this topic or we've had this conversation a lot. More so with, which we'll get to, can your spouse have friends of the opposite sex? We've had that conversation a lot because I was always that girl in high school that had a lot of guy friends because I was more athletic and I just related to the football team and I related to the soccer team more than the girls. That's kind of how I always ran. So I've kind of bounced back and forth. Can you have a friendship with an ex? I think it would take special scenarios.

I don't think you could have been in love with them and it be a friendship. But what does that even mean? How do you even gauge that? That's what I'm saying. I think it's safer to just not have that in your life. I do think it's safer, yes. But do I think there's like a fine line there potentially? Because you could have gone on a date with someone once in high school who, like, you were like, whoa, absolutely not.

And you're a friend. Yeah, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. So you're saying there might be qualifications of, hey, we dated for six months. Can I still be friends with this person? But if it's over six months, no. But if it's under six months, yes. All of that to say, I think it's a gray line where at the end of the day, you know the intention in your heart of, what that relationship is.

If there are any harbored feelings there, it's best to stay away. But I agree. I think that dives into can your spouse have friends of the opposite sex? I don't think close friends. No, that's kind of how I feel. And maybe that's too traditional of me or old school. I don't know what it is.

I'm certainly not trying to be oppressive. But again, why? What's the? I, again, I've gone back and forth on that. but I think I agree because it wasn't until even recently that I had a conversation with someone once and they were talking about how they had been these best friends for so long and 20 years later he realized he had been in love with her the whole time and I truly believe if you're a really really really close friend then someone within that relationship wouldn't mind if things went further

right right even if it isn't you and you're truly there just to be a friend And you could never see that person as something else. Maybe they could. I just feel like if I'm opening up to another woman about the struggles I'm going through. And maybe he's even talking about, oh my gosh, my relationship with my wife is tough. That goes down. The path that that leads to is nothing good. I don't feel like, you know?

I think that's, yeah. I am on that team these days. Yeah. I think it's just better to be bros and hang and be like, hey, there are, friend, but they're more so like my husband's friend. You know, then the person I'm going to go sit down and have coffee with and tell them, oh, I'm having a really hard time because of this. They're not going to be your first call if something goes wrong in your life.

So that's how I feel about it. I would love to hear your opinion too. Please share them in the ratings, reviews, YouTube comments, wherever. But I will say, there's a question on here, can a healthy version of being friends with an ex exist or being friends with someone of the opposite sex exists? my answer is yes just it's probably the exception not the rule yeah and i will say too i do believe a healthy version could exist as long as it's an open place for communication not with your ex but with your spouse your spouse should know they're an ex your spouse should know

the situation and and their input should matter even if it's the most platonic relationship in the entire world and nothing ever, whatever, whatever your circumstances, your current spouse's opinion and trust and feelings, even if it's nothing, should mean something because you always want to put them in a comfortable. It should be the priority. It should be the priority over the friendship. I feel like that's what marriage especially is engagement, the same way, dating in a less intense but similar way is this person is my priority. We were talking about this the other day of you're choosing to empathize more with your spouse than anybody else.

Like you're choosing. You're choosing, you did? You're choosing to be on your spouse's team, have their opinions, have their back, than anyone else. And so if that's compromised at all, I would say it's a no go. Okay. And I hate to do that, but I'm going to be that person. I want to throw in the asterisk.

controlling your spouse and saying you cannot be friends just because it's the opposite sex just because those types of things I do not agree with because in a similar way it destroys the trust yes you're not giving your spouse any room to have their independent life yeah and their independent like identity and trust within the relationship yeah relationships are this you know kind of two independent people figuring out how to be on the same team. Yeah. Not dominating each other's lives or trying to hide their lives from the other. So yeah. Today's couple things episode is brought to you by best fiends. Babe, how would you feel about a little friendly competition? I know you love a good challenge. Yeah, you do too. Do you know what

level you're on in best fiends right now though? Okay. I see where this is going and I'm in. I love best fiends. It's my favorite de-stressor after we put true down for the night. Right. The puzzles are always so fun and challenging and they're always adding new levels so we never get bored seriously just when you think you've seen it all they surprise me i mean there are more than 5 000 levels in this app so it just lasts forever which i love so just don't blame us if you get addicted to it let me tell you they are constantly updating the app adding new characters levels and maps so there's always something to look forward to when you open it up we love the characters we love the colors we love the storylines so you never get bored but babe i would love to challenge you'd love to challenge you

you right after we get done with this episode. You're on. Join in on the fun and download Best Fiends for free today on the Apple App Store or Google Play. That's Friends Without the R. Best Fiends. Next issue that was submitted by Instagram. Again, thank you for participating in this. We got a lot of responses about, is your significant other being of a different religion, a deal breaker? So.

We know several people. where this is tough. This one's heavy, only because we are very lucky in the sense that we are of the same religion. We even struggled a little bit with religion early on because of our involvement, how involved we were, what our upbringings were like within that specific religion. But I will say, do I think it's possible to be within a relationship or a marriage with different religions. Yes. I 100% believe it's possible. Do I think it's for the most part a given that it

will work? No. So we sat down with Dr. Carl Pilamer who is a doctor at Colgate, Cornell. He's Dr. Colgate. He's Dr. Cornell. Yeah. And he was talking about the things that cause rifts and families. And one of those is values. Yes. And so religion, whatever your thoughts, feelings, whatever your religion is, is kind of a set of values shared within a certain community, right? So pursuing someone and choosing to share a life with someone who has a different set of values or certainly whose family might have a different set of values, which a lot of times I feel like it's a bigger issue like if you and I are dating of different religions we have this figured out but I go visit your parents and they just can't deal with the fact that that we don't share the same religion or they

see things way differently because of that that is one of the major reasons for rifts so again I would say is having a different religion a deal breaker I would say it's more of a rule than exception that it is a deal breaker unfortunately and for the people who are listening to that and like wow I disagree with that completely again there's always exceptions and this is just our opinion but I think what's overlooked majority of the time within two people who are starting to date or even early within marriage that have different religions is look at the long term plan say you're a Christian and you celebrate Christmas every year and you go to a church service or not and your spouse doesn't. I just think that amount of difference within those beliefs and those traditions as it

pertains to extended family Christmas dinners and whatever it may be. Expectations pretty much with anything. Yeah, it takes a lot of planning because if you plan to bring kids into the world, are you going to teach them Christmas and Hanukkah? How are you going to celebrate both of those? Are you both going to go to the family's holiday traditions that celebrate those as well? What is church going to look like if you go to church? What if one of you believes in church but the other person doesn't? It's just you have to look a little bit farther down the road, even if it's easy at the moment. You have to say what could this scenario put us in?

Yeah, yeah. And we're not trying to discourage us by any means. But when we sit down and interview other couples, which is our favorite, I mean, we love love doing that we always ask what are your pet peeves yeah and a lot of these pet peeves are rooted in the sense of hey i don't take out the trash because i wasn't raised that way to take out the trash but you expect me to take out the trash because your dad always did so you now have applied that expectation of the man of the house taking out the trash to me you know what i'm saying and with religion there's so many layers of that that happened like you were mentioning family holidays how do you

navigate that there's all these everybody comes in with these certain expectations and I just I think that the different religions adds a layer of complication and yeah it's tough there there's a lot of talk of our friends who have dealt with this situation. Hey what if I convert does that just solve the problem if I convert to their religion and that really the it almost doesn't make a difference whether they convert or not because it's a family issue of I'm going to marry this person and it's great between you and I but to some extent my mom or dad feels cut off now and or they don't approve fully so they're not going to show up to the wedding because it's in a certain venue you know of a religious temple or sanctuary you know what I'm saying it's very complicated all of that

to say we believe that the religion side is complicated that it is you are able to able to navigate it. That's just that's just one of those topics um within the deal breaker world that you should probably talk about a lot. Well can I talk about a little more too because I have just compounding thoughts here. One to share the perspective that Sean and I have is we view marriage as as kind of this blending of families right. And it's this opportunity to take all the good things about Sean's family legacy, blend them with all the good things about my family legacy and try to get rid of all the bad things. So if you don't come from a family situation like that where there's no expectations of religions from your parents or you're not close to them, whatever, I think that

removes a layer of complication. But I'll also say we do view marriage as religious. You know what I'm saying? Like we view it as a Christian God ordained blessing to have in your life. And there's a lot that comes with that so it's almost like we view it as a almost like obligation i'm not sure we would have dated had we not been the same religion and to pound it in a little further just because we just want to you know let's just beat this um i think most religions even if you're atheist which i would deem a religion is that correct um well yeah no it's a group i don't know how i don't know how group of people. Even if you're atheist, whatever your belief in that world is under that category,

I think that belief structures how you see a relationship operating. Yes. What you can and cannot do, how you should and should not be, what your rules are, basically, all of it. So if your basic foundational rules of how a relationship operates aren't on the same page, that can make a relationship very complicated. Yeah. that was a I mean we might need to do a whole entire episode on this one to be honest with you there's so much that goes into this we need to find a couple who has worked it out and who has

not today um let's just move on to the next one yes oh geez well this one is no easier yeah this one's hard so another topic of conversation when it comes to deal breakers is is diet a deal breaker within a relationship yes can it be a deal breaker vegan alcohol no alcohol um fast food versus not, someone, all of it. I think the underlying topic here in regards to diet is do you support your spouse and how? You know what I'm saying? If your goal, sorry, if my goal is to add 20 pounds of muscle and by doing that I need to cut out pizza, I need to cut out alcohol and you're not supporting that at all, that's tough.

See, I disagree with that. Really? I disagree with that because I don't see it as you are of the mindset that a diet is a goal. right? Okay. That your lifestyle and your eating habits have purpose to them. I think you should break it down even farther to where that's just of a different mindset than a lot of people have. Okay.

Diet as a whole, I think 100% can be a deal breaker because... Interesting. We've never had this conversation. Because that is lifestyle. I think diet can say a lot about what your lifestyle is. The fact that you just said, am I trying to put on weight? Am I trying to lose weight? you have a general understanding of what nutrition and physiology can do to your body, right?

Okay. Say I'm going on a first date with someone and they're like, I want to go order one of everything from McDonald's. Okay. And I... Sounds like a fun date. And I want to go count calories at a salad bar because my lifestyle represents both sides. Okay, see, see. but I also will rebut this

by saying I think in diet as well as other issues people don't approach it with the right perspective so you're viewing diet as a self-it more of a selfish thing of I need to count calories

and have salad and that's like this is just me versus a world mentality I feel like you know what I'm saying? No no I'm saying I think you're Your diet, and I'm not, I don't use the word diet as like, what diet are you on?

I'm specifically talking about how, how do you, what's your relationship with food like? Okay. Okay. I think that can be very clear indicators of what your life is like. And that's just coming from my past, which has baggage with diet. Let me try to clarify. If I am not going to go on a date with you because you want to eat. eat a salad and I want to eat McDonald's then sure I think that that's if we're both so stubborn

and so obsessively focused on this issue of food do you see what I'm saying yes then it's a no go take it one step further I think you haven't switched okay I don't see it as you're not going to go on a date with me because I want to go eat a salad I see it as I'm not going to go I can't you're not mentally healthy enough. I'm not mentally capable of going to McDonald's and ordering one of everything. And being able to. And so I don't think this will work.

So, okay, let's, I'm just saying, there's some more personal development that needs to be had there. For sure. You see what I'm saying. Like, but how many times we said, do you see what I'm saying?

But do you understand my perspective of, okay, let me, let me take it. This is really interesting. I was not expecting this conversation. I thought this was going to be a breeze one. I think first date, right? You take me to Dairy Queen.

Okay. Okay. And you're like, delicious. I let's go crazy. Let's have a fun day. Let's order one of every blizzard on the menu. Let's taste the ice cream Sunday. Let's do this.

That's a freaking great date. Great. I agree. I now agree. But when we first started dating, I was still in a place. of an eating disorder. So if you took me there and I acted reserved and meek and I didn't eat and I was just

like, oh, I can't have that. Can you actually run, can it like we run across the street? I'm going to grab a salad. That would be a put off. No, no, no, here. Nope, no, I disagree because I think relationships are at their best when a new situation arises such as us at a dairy queen that you don't feel comfortable at you're you share your vulnerability of hey I really was excited about this concept for a date I'm sorry I am down right now

because I have all this complex past I'm sorry and then we work through that and I say hey you know what babe actually it's okay I'm I'm sorry to put you in the situation and then we work through it that that's like a golden nugget that without that new situation of the food we would have never like I would have never seen that side of you that's a beautiful side of it agreed I don't know one how this is going to be able to be edited so I'm trying to think um but two I think it takes a lot of self reflection and realization that a lot of people aren't capable of forming in certain phases of their life to where diets and lifestyles within food can be very polarizing

And it makes me sad to think that, actually. A hundred percent. There were so many years of my life where I could never admit that I had a problem. And I would get defensive and I would get insecure and upset and depressed because a food or a date was limiting me to be the person that I was. You couldn't share that you had a problem? I could not. Like you knew you had one and you were like too embarrassed to share it or you didn't know you had a problem. Both. Both. I went through phases of both. So I think diet, 100% going back to what you said, if supported by your spouse, 100% can be worked through and figured out. One can be vegan and one can eat meat. One can not drink alcohol and one can. If it's supported, communicated, and understood. But I do think there are situations within someone who's vegan who has such a strong belief.

of the animal rights and the animal abuse side that they would they would never marry your date someone who ate meat okay i was going to say this but you concluding your thoughts with that makes me backtrack my next statement a little bit but i was going to say i feel like our next topic we were going to discuss is fitness and i feel like it's a five-part interview i feel like it's a similar thing as diet where if your top priority is your style that you eat in or your your your workout schedule, if that's your top priority, you're not ready for a relationship. You're just, I don't think you, you're not ready. Imagine, imagine us being married and my top priority is still the fact that I'm not going

to eat any fish. I so, I so disagree with that. What? You're not ready for a relationship if I am not able to budge on how is there open to disagreement. I don't. Because, because I want to go back to like animal activism and animal rights. If someone to their core and soul believes so strongly in a passion and an animal rights belief...

Then don't get in a relationship. Go ahead. Go ahead. Absolutely. I'm enjoying this conversation. Absolutely not. I think they fully should be in a relationship with someone who supports their passion. Their passion for animal activism is no different than our passion for elite athletics.

But it's not my top priority. It doesn't have to be their top priority, but they could still be vegan because... because of it and be supported by their spouse. No, no. Yeah, yeah. I agree with that. But I'm saying if literally the, if I had the choice between eating fish or dating Sean and my choices,

I'm going to eat fish, then I'm not ready. I beg to differ. This is so interesting. Because I truly believe you and I work because we valued one of our biggest passions in life was, was health and fitness. That was just the thing that put us in the same arena.

I agree. I agree. However, do you think that if my diet was 100% candy? And to be an elite athlete, the understanding of nutrition, it kind of goes hand in hand. So if I were eating 100% candy, I'm most likely non-alit athlete. Sure. So if I don't value the elite athletics, if I don't value fitness, and I spend majority of my time, eating candy our our vibe wouldn't work i agree with that and so that's why i'm saying our hobbies

our interests the things we talk about is just going to be thinner so what i'm saying is it doesn't have to be someone's full priority but if that's who they are if that's their their hobbies and their interests that form their lifestyle of who they are that's why i'm saying if you have someone at McDonald's and you have someone at a salad bar like at a whole foods not saying that they can't ever mesh no I'm not saying that at all but if those relate to their core values and hobbies and interests as a human being those most likely aren't going to mesh you're saying the Venn diagram of overlapping interest is yes going to be smaller yes I agree and I think we're just getting caught up on the phrase here you're saying if this is their interest

I'm saying if this is their priority, you know. For sure. Like if you're prioritizing, I need to go eat a tomato instead of talking to my husband. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't think that's the question. I think it's can differing diets. Okay.

So if you're vegan and I'm, I only eat meat. Then I think we might have a hard time. I think that would take communication as to what our, what our outside hobbies are, which takes me back to one of my first statements. about diet. I think diets are clear indicators of your lifestyle of what your hobbies are, of what your passions are. Yeah. Yeah. And so I think diet can be very polarizing. Okay, I agree with you. I know. I think we, I think we ended up on the same page. I don't know. I will say my mentor shared this with me. I said like this. That was, we got freaky there for a second. Yeah. My mentor shared this, and I viewed it as some of the most valuable dating advice I've ever received.

This was, he shared this right before we got engaged. He said, Andrew, listen, the only things that matter when you're looking for a spouse are her heart for you and her heart for God. Now, we come from a religious background. So he's saying, if you care for me and I feel that deeply, and I can reciprocate that. And we share that same value set of religion. He said everything else is style and style changes. The only two things are the matter are her heart for you and her heart for God. Everything else is style and style changes.

Yeah. I think that's powerful and applies here because I might be a vegan for two years, for three months and whatever. That's a style. That's a style of eating. Fitness is a style of your schedule. When we have a kid, we've been through these evolutions. We did Whole 30. We did football training where I was bulking up.

an American Ninja Warrior where I'm slimming, it's style. Agreed. And it's not the top priority. I agree. It falls. So, okay. Wrapping that up.

I don't think it's deal breaker, but I think it can be complicated. We're going to skip over fitness because I think we just kind of talked about that. Oof. Yeah. Wow. We need two hours. We literally,

I did not know. I thought diet was going to last four seconds. The next one is this. Kids. Kids. If one person, wants kids and the other person doesn't want kids. Yeah, that's tough. I think that's really tough because I think that comes into having had a kid now. I feel like I could say this before. I think

that it would be hard for me to be able to say. I think it comes a lot with an identity and a purpose you feel within yourself. So if you don't feel called to that purpose, I think that I do believe that could be a deal breaker. We do know several couples that have approached this where one person really wanted kids, the other person didn't for whatever reason. And they've made it work. And it's beautiful to see the sacrifices

that one is made for the other. Probably not the ideal situation that you'd want to walk into if you had the choice, right? I think when you take a second and you think, do I want kids or not, I think you're looking so far into the future of what your entire life looks like. And if you actively are wanting that

or actively are not wanting that, you're seeing very specific lifestyles. And if your significant other doesn't see that type of lifestyle, I think that could be very hard. Yeah, I do view marriage. It's a blend of loving the person as they are now versus wanting a certain future together, which, and it's a beautiful mix.

Yes. But I think when choosing your spouse, before you even get to that part, you got to weed out a lot of candidates of saying, hey, the future is not everything, right? There's a lot of importance of me loving you who you are right now, which is like, you know, we don't have,

we're not going to have kids for 10 years because we're 20 years old, whatever, you know what I'm saying? You have to weed out the candidates that might not, want that same trajectory very very touchy and someone did ask with this topic how soon do you have this conversation i i think you have that very soon because that's just where do i see my life going i know when i was dating i was looking for the father of my children that's how i saw my life and whether that was children that i was able to bear or adoptive children i saw children i saw

children in my life and I was looking for a partner who would be within that world with me. And I think that looks different to people who don't want kids. Yeah. I think this is where making a list for things you want a spouse kind of comes in handy. Yeah. Of, hey, do they check the box of wanting kids? Great. Do they check the box of having a saving religion?

Great. Do they check the box of whatever? Like, certain things are just kind of qualifiers of, hey, I see some. much beauty in this person, but we don't share this core value. So we either need to really talk about this or we need to maybe go other ways. That's tough. This is interesting. Yeah. Next one. We're about to go off, right? I feel like I'm about to go off on this one. Marriage. Marriage. Does one person want to be married and the other not want to be married? Let me just, maybe I'm an old man at 29 here. I just view, I say this. Marriage and having kids is not for everyone, but if it's for you,

I feel like the sooner you prepare yourself to do so, the better. Just do it. Like there's marriage is the coolest tool for whether you're into self-improvement or romance or whatever you're into. Marriage is this amazing incubator of that. It's so it's the best. Like why would you not, that's how I feel. I agree with you, but we agree on a lot of value things. I understand that marriage is a belief. Marriage under God is a belief. Marriage by contract is a contract. And a lot of people can live by common law marriage and can live so happily just as a partner.

Okay. Hold on. So as it pertains to deal breakers within the top. of this conversation. I think it goes back to religion. I think it goes back to lifestyle. I think it goes back to kids. If you believe the same thing,

the moral compass of your foundation of your relationship, if it is aimed at the same target and you are going by the same guidelines and beliefs, then yes, I think it can work if you don't believe in marriage. But I think if one of you believes in marriage, and one of you doesn't, I think you have to look at the foundation of your relationship

because I think the foundational values and core beliefs that each of you have might be different, which can cause a lot of issue within your relationship. I feel like one thing that's useful with this conversation and with the conversation about kids is having some sort, you said the word target, some sort of target for what you want your life to look like.

Like if you were just, going to sit down and define hey this is what a successful looks like or successful life looks like i had kids i was married for 50 years i lived in home like in the same town as my parents like fast forward your life to the day before you die and ask yourself what does a successful life look like i think that like the marriage issue is a huge kind of accomplishment for a lot of people And a lot of ways, it's like, hey, I was in this 50-year relationship that was so rewarding to me. I just think it comes down to if you both believe the same thing and are supporting each other and the same thing, then it works. If you aren't, it gets complicated.

Next topic, cheating and infidelity. Can you find a way back from that? I say yeah. I say yeah. I say yeah. apply I think this is kind of in the same conversation as well first of all a lot of it has to do a trust right that's the biggest core issue here that people need to work through but it's almost like um if I come from a background where sex is like this massive deal like an idol and it's

that's ruined in our relationship then that's going to be tough right but if if people come I don't know. It's, it's an interesting conversation. I think it, you can find your way back with two people who are willing to work through it. I think it's one of those things where if you choose from day one, you're going to work through it, then you're going to work through it. And you're going to figure out why and how it happened. And you're going to work to make that never happen again. We know friends who have made it through this successfully, friends who have not made it through this, Well, friends who have been in limbo for years.

And again, it went one way or the other. But yeah, I think. I will say the ones that made it work actively chose. Yeah. But whichever where you go, it's probably better to just make up your mind. And if, yeah. Yes. No sense in hanging around in a situation that you're not fully bought into, to your point.

I will say, too, on that note, that a lot of notes that came on Instagram were about lying, cheating, stealing, doing all of these things. We've talked about this before. Marriages aren't perfect. No human being is perfect. You will make mistakes every single day of your life. It's just for some reason within society, we put a scale as to what matters and what doesn't.

And I think every day with your spouse, if you are asking for forgiveness and trying your hardest and trying to be better, and you both are, you can work through anything. Well, I don't know if sex is one of those things that we just put artificial value on, you know? No, I'm just saying, we've talked about this before within religion. It's like, oh, people lie every day and Christians brush it off as like not a sin.

It is a sin, but they're like, oh, that's not a big deal. But the second you steal something or the second you cheat or the second you, whatever, it becomes such a bigger deal. And it's like, it's all a sin. every single day we're sinning against each other so we did this whole episode on intimacy yeah and we kind of discuss intimacy as the most raw gentle place of a person and I do think the infidelity a lot of times tarnishes that yeah that access to that innocent raw place so is it a deal breaker it certainly can be it certainly is a lot of in a lot of cases But it doesn't have to be and realize that there have been plenty of people who have made it through such as situations

I just think you mentioned this earlier open communication honesty And just working through that together is paramount. Yes Okay, the rest of these I'm going to rapid fire for us. Are you ready for this? Yeah We're going to give one or two lines and we're moving on. Okay laziness or no ambition one has it one doesn't i think it's the same as style uh you probably it's not a deal breaker but you probably don't want to share that that uh freak now you got me all tripping up because i'm nervous uh it's a value set someone said is it worth the work to ask for this to change in someone one you can't expect your spouse to change you first have to learn to support them

and then within support you guys figure out a way to make life work and you change over time identifying one issue and saying can you change this for me i think is hard yeah next one doesn't get along with my family i think you marry a family yep i think that makes it very complicated um admitting and accepting that no family is perfect is huge i think you open yourself up to hurt if you pursue someone who doesn't get along with your family. You're either going to hurt them your significant other or you're going to hurt your family and neither are a good place to be. You have to ask yourself what's worth sacrificing. But I will say this. If you're married to that person and then there's something that happens that changes them from getting along to not getting

along, you got to choose your spouse. Yes. I feel that. I do feel that. There's a lot of others that we didn't get to, babe. Maybe we do a part two, depending on how valuable people find this. Let's just rapid fire. Oh, we're going to keep ripping? Okay.

Rapid fire. Ready? How they treat others. Huge deal. Huge deal. Yeah. That is what the person is like. You kidding me?

It's freaking respect. Habits like smoking, drinking too much or hard drugs. I just think that those are all abuse of all of those things is an indication of some personal work that needs to be done. Yeah. Deal breaker. Yes.

no. Okay. Depends on the situation. This is your favorite one. Hygiene. Ah. Not a big deal to me. It is a big deal to me.

Is it a deal breaker? No. Does it falls in style to you? It does fall in style. Interesting. Interesting. Bad credit financially irresponsible. I think you're opening yourself up to hurt if you're with someone who's irresponsible.

Just if they're financially irresponsible, they're probably irresponsible in other areas of life. So why? Doesn't love dogs. That's probably a deal Animals are interesting though Animal people feel so pat People do There's such a range of feelings on animals

You know They have been to or are in jail I think it's totally redeemable Redeemable If they've been to jail And they've changed Oh 100% I just love the R in jail

That's tough I feel like if they are in jail It's hard But still redeemable I agree They are a messy or chew loudly or with their mouth open. Nate Margatsky is a comedian on Netflix.

Check him out. He's hilarious. He does like family comedy. He talks about how he's going to see a therapist and he says, I don't like the way my wife talks. And the guy is like, what do you mean? Like the way she sounds? He's like, no, no, that would be a huge problem.

If I didn't like the way my wife sounds, that's tough. But it's just her cadence and speaking, he couldn't get down. It's definitely an ideal breaker. Yeah. house thermostat get real what a job no not valuing not valuing other human life races disabilities etc i think that goes with how you treat others i think that speaks to your character it goes with the spirit of charity and giving as well yeah if someone likes baseball or knows about baseball it's not a deal breaker uh i can't believe that made the list doesn't take care of himself mind and body

style thing no sense of humor tattoos and piercing this is interesting what do you look for in a spot like what is a deal breaker I don't know overall the rest of them

it says tattoos and piercings overly critical terrible communicator if they hate Disney World bad breath or physical abuse physical abuse absolutely not that is a deal breaker

all of this to say well wait we do need to touch on that all of these have kind of been And I feel like definitely things that can be worked through except for physical abuse. I think that's probably the one thing I'm a hard line on. You can't, you cannot tolerate a situation where you're being abused in any way, shape, or form. If you're married, if you're dating, if it's family, no.

That is. Get out of the situation. Yes. You can have a conversation. I need to have a better understanding of what the mindset is, the kind of, the kind the victim mindset, but get out of the situation and you can deal with whatever you need to deal with afterwards. Yes.

So. Outside of physical abuse or mental abuse for that matter. I think that's just abuse of any kind. All of these, I don't believe there's a deal breaker in relationships. I don't. I think every relationship is different. I think every relationship is unique. And I think you can truly make anything work.

But whatever you're choosing to make. work you are choosing to make work that is your choice so someone told me this early on when I was dating a different boyfriend but we are we weren't talking about marriage I was talking about marriage to my parents and they were like listen whoever you choose you're choosing that person and you're choosing that life for the rest of your life so you have to be okay with whatever that comes with yeah and if you're good with it you're great with it and that works but you're choosing i don't think there's such thing as an easy relationship but there are certainly things that can make relationships easier marriage is easier

meaning if you choose someone that gets along well with your family if you choose someone that lives in the same town as you or who isn't in prison or if you choose someone who has the same hobbies, same interests, all of these things just kind of are conducive to better conversation, to open communication, to being around each other and spending time with each other more, to feeling closer connected. So keep that in mind as you navigate this space. But are there any deal breakers? I think we only, we only said one. Yeah. The abuse is the only deal breaker I can think of. We'd love to hear your thoughts, though, as well. This was a little list put together through an Instagram community.

And it actually was pretty interesting to think about it. I hope some of what we said made sense. We just kind of... I feel like we got in the weeds there a little bit. But we, I think we'll have a nice follow-up conversation about this. And if you like this podcast, we do try to make this something that's fun to listen to with your spouse, significant other, whoever that may be. So let us know if...

Might be. I did say that weird. I like it. Let us know if you do have a conversation and what the conclusion is. of that was. But that's all we have for you today. Thank you for listening. If you haven't subscribed to the show yet, since you made it this far into the show, I think you might have liked it. So please do so. Give it a rating. Takes maybe 10 to 15 seconds. We love hearing your feedback and reviews. So we'll see you next week, though. We have another fantastic

interview. That's all we got. I'm Andrew. I'm Sean. We are the East fan. Thank you.