Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 68 Ten Lessons in Communication

Episode Date: June 2, 2021

This week on Couple Things, we talk about some of the things that we have learned over the past 5 years of marriage as it pertains to communication. We aren't professionals, but we want to pass along some things that have worked for us and really upgraded how we communicate with each other. Here are some of the topics that we cover: saying thank you instead of I’m sorry monthly check-ups/ having a system expectations when your partner is away the importance of accurate ETA’s meeting your partner halfway in conversation the harm of blanket statements owning your mistakes being aware of your mood always try to have a conversation using your words wisely being involved in your partner's excitement your tone If you haven’t yet, please rate Couple Things and subscribe to hear more. Follow us on Instagram to keep the conversation going at https://www.instagram.com/couplething... And if you have suggestions/recommendations for the show, send us your ideas in a video format – we might just choose yours! Email us at [e-mail]. We're supported by the following companies that we love! Check them out below: Butcherbox ▶ New members receive one pack of bacon in every box for the lifetime of their membership! Simply visit http://www.ButcherBox.com/couple Upward ▶ Download Upward for free today in the app store! https://apps.apple.com/us/app/upward-christian-dating/id1499137942 Follow My Instagram ▶ http://www.instagram.com/ShawnJohnson Like the Facebook page! ▶ http://www.facebook.com/ShawnJohnson Follow My Twitter ▶ http://www.twitter.com/ShawnJohnson Snapchat! ▶ @ShawneyJ Follow AndrewsTwitter ▶ http://www.twitter.com/AndrewDEast Follow My Instagram ▶ http://www.instagram.com/AndrewDEast Like the Facebook page! ▶ http://www.facebook.com/AndrewDEast Snapchat! ▶ @AndrewDEast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Own your mistake. Apologize. And then from there, continue on a conversation. Because if you're just going to own a mistake only then to point a finger, you're just going to bounce back and forth for a long time. What is up, everybody? Welcome back to a couple things with Sean and Andrew. A podcast all about couples. And the things they go through. Today, how do you even say what we're talking about? We're talking about things that we've learned as we've grown to be better communicators with each other. Yes, which has really become a current situation. I don't know how to phrase that. Little Drew Burr has been sick the past couple days.

She's had like a little fever, been super fussy. For any parents out there, you know in a time of a sick kid, tensions run really high, frustrations are very apparent. You're running on no sleep, no food. There's a lot of stress from the baby being sick and like, just like emotions from a parent's perspective there. Which brings up a lot of like arguments and just conversations that you have, which are completely irrational. But we thought it would be a good time to talk about takeaways from the past couple days, but looking at the broader picture, we've always talked to you guys about the monthly checkups that we do and we'll, we'll refresh that in a second. Yeah.

But these are some general takeaways from our monthly checkups over the past 10 years that. tend to continue to come up that are things that we think are very important to our relationship and have helped us become better communicators and have a deeper connection. Yes. So since Drew's been born, we've compiled the list of over 200 lessons that we've learned. Andrew has. But since we've been married, we've compiled the list of different things that we've learned as well. And so we have here, we're going to walk through the 10 plus things from a communication standpoint

that we've learned from being married, which is humbling. to know that we only came up with 10 plus things over five years of marriage. But I think that's kind of, I mean, that's what kind of gets me pumped up about marriage, though, is you get so much time to learn things. And I'm excited to add 10 more things the next five years.

I also think that's a very clear indication, too, that we have figured out where our little, like, pressure points are. I think those, yeah, I think those 10 plus things are what tend to rub both of us the wrong way. But we have, I think we found the pressure points pretty quickly,

but how to actually respect the other persons and not intentional. We're still working on that. Okay, so before we get into it, if you haven't subscribed to the show or giving it a rating, please do show, do show for the show on whatever platform. We're on YouTube, we're on Spotify, we're on Apple Podcasts. I don't know where you prefer listening. Actually, my favorite thing is to watch on YouTube, listen on YouTube, and also have the video available.

Yeah. Anyway, so whether you are on YouTube, whether you're on Apple, podcast give it like a thumbs up or a five star rating if you feel like it's uh if it's worthy of it and also subscribe to the show so we can have you back and as always i do want to reiterate that as we go through our list of things today we are not professionals no our goals not to really be you know giving you advice as much as sharing things that we have found helpful hopefully from like a you know just average joe perspective and we have by no means figured it out This is us trying to figure it out in real time and sharing with you things that have worked and have failed miserably.

And I'm recording this episode as much for us so that we can look back on this and maybe make fun of ourselves or refer to it as we're going through arguments. When we turn 50 and we were like we were a joke back then. Or I'm talking about like in the next week when we get in an argument and be like, oh yeah, I forgot that I got to do this. So anyway, it's kind of fun to list out these lessons as we've learned them. But here's the story that sparked this whole conversation was Drew's been sick, as Sean's alluded. She doesn't sleep well when she's sick or she hasn't. And Sean was gracious enough to kind of stay up with Drew for multiple nights in a row. The first night that she did that, I mean, you must have gotten two hours of sleep, I imagine.

Meanwhile, I'm sleeping soundly. And we wake up and I see her and say, hey, how to go? And she's like, oh, it was a rough one. and my first, I don't know if anybody else is like this, but my first inclination, you are, Sean, is to say, I'm so sorry. Almost like, I'm sorry for sleeping in. I'm sorry that it was a rough night.

I'm sorry for this whole thing. And it's coming from a position of kind of guilt-ish. But I realized the other night, the second time this happened when you had a rough night and you again were very selfless. I said, instead of, because it kind of sets the mood of like, oh, this is a bummer. And yeah, I did make a sense.

sacrifice for you. The second night I said instead of I'm sorry I said thank you Sean for making that sacrifice for me and honestly the difference in where that conversation went and how we treated each other was way different because instead of coming from a spot of like guilt of I'm sorry I made you do that it was thank you so much I know that you made a sacrifice and it made a positive impact on my life well it makes you feel seen and it makes you feel appreciated and it makes you feel like the other person is truly seeing you. I feel like sometimes I am the person where I say I'm sorry for everything. I use it way too often and I don't know why I should work on that.

But I think it's just a self-reflection of guilt rather than an awareness of the other person and what it is they're actually giving. And I think when you say thank you, it says to you, I see you. I see what you've been doing. and I'm really appreciative instead of saying I'm sorry and it almost being selfish it is yeah it's almost selfish I was about to say that it's like it's asking for oh no don't be sorry babe like no I did that happily as opposed to hey I'm giving you a pat on the back yeah and like making you feel good even though you like stayed up all night I'm making you feel good because yeah it helps you realize oh I did do that and

he knows that I did so that's the first lesson and it got us go ahead go ahead I was going to say you got us thinking about other communication lessons that we've learned. So I want to take that back, though, real quick. If you guys are new here, if you haven't heard us talk about monthly checkups, sounds weird. It's something Andrew and I started doing when we started dating, really. Like, we did that pretty. We did it dating. Yeah, we did.

Yeah. Probably our first year of dating. We started monthly checkups. And what it was was once a month, we would go outside of the house or, I mean, we weren't living together back then in the house. Or living together. But we would go somewhere that we deemed a quote unquote like safe space. And I don't mean that in the sense of like we felt threatened by each other.

But we just got out of our homes. And we would go to this place where we knew we could bring up anything and the other person had to be receptive to it. You couldn't get defensive. You couldn't get emotional. You were there to talk through things that you, I don't know. How would we phrase that? honestly it's just like a it's like a state of the union where you talk about how things have been going like hey you did this really well this past month Sean but when you did this I hurt my feelings and we did that I had to pick up the slack kind of thing like obviously you're not really that I'm not pointing fingers at you but it's like hey I was thinking about how this situation occurred and I thought that it might help me out more if you did XYZ and you're not trying to like hold a resentment towards each other that you like bring up only once a month it's nothing like that it's just kind of this reflection.

and on, oh, I thought we did really good at this this month. Yeah. But I thought we really struggled communicating about Nash. We did a whole episode on this and we can link it. But it's just an opportunity to step back, kind of have a open conversation so that you kind of slow drip any frustrations as opposed to it coming out like a fire hose and exploding all at one time. So that was one step that Sean and I took to really be honest.

with each other, kind of get to know each other better, connect better, and help help each other more, really. And it helped us work on learning how to bring things up to one another in a gentler way. Yeah. And not like in an emotional way. But most of the... Well, I was just going to say, yes, there's certain context where if I bring up these things that you're not doing well, it's not going to be received, but having the expectation

of, oh, this is a monthly checkup. that Andrew's coming from a spot of love and like we're working to get on the same page is very helpful. And to that point, I think there are some conversations where getting a different context and knowing like, hey, it might be helpful for us to get out of the house for an hour to discuss this is helpful. We know a lot of people that are very systematic in their communication. So whether it's us with the monthly checkups, people do it differently. Or even we talked about this in the intimacy episode but we know couples who have a system of hey if one person's feeling intimate they have candles by the bedside and if if one person is ready to you know make some plays

then they light their candle so that the other person knows and that there's not that awkward like you know vulnerability or scared like scared to be a vulnerable moment they just know like oh the candle's lit we can you know proceed from there and yeah so there's the the idea of being systematic in conversation is something to think about, whatever that looks like for you, but like, you know, whether it's going to a coffee shop

to share how you were hurt or whether it's having monthly checkups or doing the candle thing, like having processes in place that you can be vulnerable, I have found has been helpful for us. Yeah. So with that,

with like the thank you I'm sorry and like the systematic ways you can set up your relationship and how to, progress. We've kind of compiled, like Andrew said, a list of our top 10, pretty much. Yeah. But these are all takeaways that have come out of monthly checkups for us that we continually try to work on and that tend to come up in every argument and conversation, not in a bad way even, just like it's vocabulary we use. It's how we approach situations.

And yeah. Today's show is, unless, besides thank you, not I'm sorry, and besides the context, is one thing that took four and a half years. This was a recent finding was I tend to be more social than Sean. So I'll go on like weekend trips with my friends or I'll go hang out with my friends at night. And a lot of times I would just say like, hey, babe, can I do this? Can I do this trip next weekend? And she'd be like, yeah, that'd be great. And then there was kind of this unspoken, I feel like from your side, disappointment or like loneliness.

maybe I don't know how else to describe it because I wasn't really thinking about you and so we've learned that if I say hey babe I'm going on can we talk about what this trip this weekend would look like does it work with our schedule and if it does then what can I do to help you out like really thinking about I'm leaving so what can I do to help Sean like whether it's getting a babysitter in place or making plans like helping or make plans at a trampoline park or whatever it is. am I saying that right I yes to give context I think what you are trying to say is it took us a while to figure out that we needed to set up expectations for each other whenever like we would go away or whenever we would go out with my girlfriends or out with your guy friends or whatever it would be like okay what do you expect from me tonight because there were times there where you would go on like a weekend trip or I would or whatever vice versa and you would call me one day and we'd have like a 30 minute conversation and then I wouldn't hear from you until you got home or I would you know whatever it might be and if you don't set up your expectations properly at the beginning it leads to disappointment and it leads to like a not an enjoyable time away so we have found for us that before anybody goes on a trip or goes away or does anything um we have a conversation and say like like you said what do you need help with before i leave what time each night do it do you want like a check-in yeah and i don't say check-in like a

that sounds weird what time works that we can call because i know you'll be hectic with a baby or whatever yeah you know yes so we we just kind of set those expectations so it whenever andrew is away the expectation from us or from me is basically like help me get everything set up beforehand so babysitters um like you said the reservations just kind of the activities and then I love being able to have like a 10 minute conversation each day where you can say hi to Drew you can say hi to me I can hear about your day and then I feel good for the day yeah to your credit though I actually don't feel like you expect me to help get things ready which is yeah very nice of you like it's not if I don't do this I'm dropping the ball but

I think it's more of like a hell you we're being a team on this But you're alluding to it. This is something that one of my friends told me that I feel like helps shape the conversation where if I do take a three-day trip, say that I'm going to talk to Sean in total 30 minutes. It's way better for me to disperse that 30-minute allotment over three days than to like use it all in one day. You know what I'm saying? So talk to her 10 minutes a day for three days as opposed to 30 minutes for one day. And I will say that differs between relationships.

Yeah, 100%. That's something Andrew and I talked about very, very early on in our relationship. I came from a relationship before Andrew where the other person expected a response every second of every day. And he was a textor, he was a caller, like we just communicated nonstop all day.

But then with Andrew, it was completely opposite. He said, I don't want to text you and call you all day because the time that I get with you at the end of the night or whenever, I want to be special where we have things to talk about. Yeah. And you're just a very present person with whoever you're with. And so we started that very early on and we still do that. We like to be present with each other and we don't like to have.

Just random conversation. Yeah. But yeah, I do feel like carving out specific times to give that person their time to shine. Whether you're with them or away is important. Which leads us. I love that about you, by the way. I'm so thankful that you don't, you're not like a massive text. Well, that's a style thing, so it's going to be different.

Again, coming from the opposite, like I did that for a while, it's so exhausting for me. But that's just my style, which leads us to the next conversation of time. I'm very scared. Okay, this, the next lesson is literally baked into my DNA. I have to break this thing and it's a terrible habit. It has to change. But my dad did it, my freaking grandpa did it, my brothers do it. It's the idea that.

I think this applies to everyone. This is not like a differs between a relationship. No, this applies to every single human being in the world. Giving an accurate ETA. So Sean calls me, I'm 15 minutes away. She says, hey, babe, when are you going to be back? And I'm like, I'm going to be home in 10 minutes. If you show up in 45, I am mad.

I'm mad. It's a lose, lose, lose situation because I clearly am not going to make it back in time. So I lose. Sean is like setting up dinner or whatever. And I'm late. So she loses. And then our relationship loses because we're angry at each other. Whoever I'm with loses because I'm rushing and I'm stressed.

Freaking driving on the, people driving on the road lose because I'm trying to speed and get home and make the 10 minutes. So literally, if you call me and say, I need to work on this. Yeah. I'm going to just say this out loud. But if you say, babe, when are you going to be home and I'm 15 minutes away, I'm going to do a better job at actually just going the opposite way. And not saying 10 minutes, but maybe I'm going to be home in 25 minutes.

I think it would be great. That way, I don't have to rush away from whoever I'm with. And I can respectfully leave. I have a caveat. I have an asterisk to this, which will set anybody up for success. So if you're planning on going golfing or. if you're planning on going out for an errand or you're planning on whatever it might be, whoever you are, and you tell your significant other, I'm going to be home in two hours.

It doesn't mean you have to be home in two hours, but you have to have the consideration enough to your significant other to realize an hour in, I'm running an hour late. In an hour in, call and say, babe, I'm running over. It'll probably be another two hours. That does not mean call at an hour and. and 59 or two hours and 15 and say I'm still an hour out guilty accurate ETAs here's I'm just going to shut up like finish this wrap this up don't draw this out babe okay don't be too brutal because I will say again different in every relationship but for me when you tell me

two hours three hours four hours 30 minutes whatever I'm planning my day and I'm planning activities around that time. So if you call me already 15 minutes late and saying I'm an hour and 15 away or whatever, it throws off all those plans. Yeah, no, I am terrible at that. So if I try to hold Drew off so she can see Daddy before she goes to bed or if I'm trying to make dinner, that just throws all of it off. Yeah.

I appreciate your patience to date. I'm going to try to do better job. I think honestly, and this is part of maturing, I think the word is just forethought or planning. and then also being a little higher touch with communication of hey you know what I'm having a good time with the boys on the golf course but let me call her and say that I'm going to be an hour late my favorite my favorite was like you went golfing recently that wasn't too long ago you did 18 holes and I told you I was going to be home at 5 o'clock yeah and so I call you at like five and I'm like so and you're like we're on hole 11 I was still like three hours away from home I got home at 8 that night I I laughed at that one, because it was, whatever. Anyway, so just that is, that is a cause of a lot of our conflict and, uh, and feelings of disrespect.

So we're, I'm working on that one. Another pattern that we've noticed is Sean tends to be a little more sensitive. Yeah. Conversations or difficult arguments or whatever it is. And you take the tone of aggressive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But it's just like, let's talk fact. let's get to the bottom of this and you're more like not that you want to leave the conversation but it's like you kind of try to appease maybe it's the word and that also is a lose loose because you feel like

it's almost this snowballing effect of my aggressive tone or how you interpret it like that makes you more introverted which makes me more frustrated you know what I'm saying which makes you and then but it is it's so interesting because neither are right, right?

They're both kind of some form of manipulation to a certain extent where it's pretty easy for me, you know, people who are like have that more assertive tone. Let's use the word assertive, not aggressive. Yeah, that's cool. That's better. That's better. To like command the conversation. Yeah.

Right? And just get their way because they're pointing it out louder. but on the other side like people who come off as more sensitive it's almost like a like a trump card of oh hey I'm more sensitive and I'm crying not that you're talking about this bad this makes our argument seem bad I haven't said many words go ahead no I'm saying you said we're talking about this bad I'm saying it's just like a trump card that sensitive people can lay of like oh you're hurting my feeling so we need to avoid this conversation which is also not correct. I think a better way to explain that is Andrew and I are very aware within

arguments and conversations that I tend to retreat and he tends to get a little assertive. And a big conversation we've had within monthly checkups and kind of reflecting on those situations is I need to be more assertive and he needs to be more sensitive. It's that compromise. Preach. because whenever he kind of starts to go it's almost like tone deaf where he just um you like shut off all emotion because you just want to you want to know the facts you want to know how to fix it you want to like it comes across cold to me yeah whereas i try to go overly sensitive and i'm like babe but how did you feel and why didn't why weren't you sad and why didn't you see this yeah whereas you just have to you have to recognize that what your tendencies is

are and understand where your significant others coming from and try to like meet them halfway that's good on that note this is a little further down the list but i'll reorganize it i heard someone else say this and i thought it was very profound it's very hard to do but i think it's helpful anytime we're in heated conversations we both you and i both have this tendency to make we call them blaken statements and we've just come up with this term in the past like eight months but it's like I'll say Sean you never do the dishes or Sean you always go out with the girls or you're always like it's using these blanket words permanent terms right we or blanket and this piece of advice I heard was try to criticize very accurately and smallly if you will like use accurate

descriptions of hey Sean this morning supposed to always you were 45 minutes late after your workout and that hurt my feelings I would appreciate if we didn't make that a habit or whatever right and the reason for that is when you make a blanket statement you're not criticizing a person's action you're criticizing a person and that tends to happen when you get emotional and you just want to feel seen. Someone else has also said, like the easiest person to hurt is your significant other because...

They know you the best. Yeah. They know you most inimily. So you have to be very careful. That's something... Andrew and I just use the word blanket whenever we're, like, arguing. It'll be like, blanket.

That was a blanket statement. It's like a signal. It's like, uh, but it's the other effect it has is it literally escalates the situation drastically. So... Because Andrew will say you've never done dishes and I'm like,

excuse me right i mean it's like that perpetual i don't know it's got to be some effect of every time you're doing a chore i'm doing it every time i'm doing a chore like dishes i just think about all the other times i've done the dishes and it feels like i only do the dishes and that must mean that you never do the dishes but you're like when i say you never do the dishes you're thinking about all the times you've done the dishes and so there's both there's like always this kind of it just never went you like you never win nor should that be like That's not your goal, but it never goes anywhere good when you use a blanket statement. You just, the smaller you can be with your critiques and your reflections, the better

because then that person too can also say, oh, yeah, here's the direct cause and effect. I didn't do this today and it made them feel like this. And so you can fix it. You can work on it. And it also provides the opportunity for them to own their mistake and like learn something from it which is our next thing and it's uh owning your mistakes own your mistakes i just feel like every time there is a moment of critique from you oh my gosh it's such an interesting phenomenon of i am confronted with this fork in the road of am i going to get upset about it which

indefensive yes which i take that road more than i should or am i going to it's like this pause of okay she's right and i'm not going to get upset about it even though it feels like an attack on personal i feel it right now kind of do you feel it no but i'm also the person that i jumped to sorry that's true no you get defensive don't say you never get defensive are you serious i get defensive but i would say i'm more likely to yeah okay cool but there is whoever maybe you're built like me you have this moment of you could choose i'm going to either own this or I'm going to get defensive of it

and it's the more you can actually just accept that there's probably a hint of truth in what Sean's saying whether she communicated that well or not maybe she was kind of overrun by emotion and she was too flagrant and how she communicated it is it is the mature thing to do and again I'm working on this to be like okay

you're right and I'm freaking sorry I want to add something to do that too So when you own your mistakes, something that we both tend to do is whenever you're face to the critique or a mistake and you want to own it, you always tend to want to. And I'm not saying you. I'm saying like you as in general population. You tend to want to like turn it around right away. You're like, I'm going to own this mistake. However, you also did this.

And that never goes anywhere. Also, like you're not making progress. own your mistake, apologize, and then from there, continue on a conversation. Because if you're just going to own a mistake only then to point a finger, you're just going to bounce back and forth for a long time. And you're going to, you're going to just continue to hurt people. Which brings us to our next lesson we've learned,

which is context. Sean and I just had a heated argument this morning about context. And we mentioned, like, when we do our monthly checkups, we set a certain context. but when you bring up an issue is very key to how that person receives it. So if I'm going to critique you, it's probably best for me not to critique you while we're already in an argument because I'm just going to amplify things.

And the effect of that is just me using that as ammunition to like hurt your feelings. Or when you're hungry or when you're overtired or all these contexts. Yes. You have to be very aware of arguments and criticism. are very fragile things, very vulnerable things. Yeah. That take a clear mind and an open heart. And we live in a crazy world where that's really hard to find time for.

So you have to be very aware of it. And it takes practice too. But even, I mean, whether it's a critique or not, like even just a general conversation, like whether we're trying to make a decision, the first four months of having Drew, we've gotten way more arguments than we probably needed to or could have. Because we were over tired. Overtired, no, but it was also we're standing in a room with two sound machines at 2 a.m. And you say something to me, I can't hear you.

So I say what? And you say, you yell it back. And then we're both mad. It's just a bad situation. That actually happened two nights ago when I was taking care of Drew. We were in her nursery and I asked a question. And again, she has two sound machines pitch black. We're tired.

It's middle of night. And Andrew's like, fine. And I was like, why is he mad at me? It comes off as yelling. Why is he mad? What did I do? Are you kidding? I'm sacrificing this and I'm here and it just spirals.

But I'm literally just trying to speak loud enough that she can hear me over the sound machine. So anyway, like these things matter and try to identify whatever the obstacles are. Like another one is Sean is not necessarily a morning person. Like before we have her coffee, probably best for me not to bring up plans, bring up any, you know, critical decisions we need to make. It's just like learn the things about your partner. That's what's beautiful about marriage, I feel like, is you get time to identify the patterns of the other person

and how to amplify the good ones and work through the tougher ones. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I think another aspect we are another bullet point we have here, which ties into a lot of these two is your tone and your mood, more so your mood, you have to be very aware of it Because your mood is, it fluctuates so much. Yeah. It's not the actual reality of your situation.

So if it's around lunchtime and you're hungry and you're hangary, the reality of the situation is just because you're hangary and you're quote unquote mad at your husband. You're not actually mad at him. You're just hungry. So you have to like, you have to be aware that there's a bigger picture to everything. You've, I have appreciated this pregnancy. You've done a way better job at like noticing there'll be sometimes. when I feel like you might be unfairly critical of me.

And then you'll take a step back and be like, you know what? I'm a little tired. Can I go take a nap? And then that may, it's just a better, the self-awareness is key. So yeah, that's a good one. That was the next one was don't let your moods be your reality. Not to say that emotions don't, they're very important, but they shouldn't be the rudder of your life directing it.

I think maybe a better way to say that too is the self- reflection side like what is bothering you but like what's really bothering you so yes for example the pregnancy the other day we got in a little tissy fit i don't know you can't even call it an argument where i was just irritable and i was snippy at andrew and i was saying backhanded comments yeah i know um and i had to take a step back and be like what's wrong and I was standing there and I was like oh my body just hurts so bad and I'm so tired and I'm hungry and I'm exhausted and emotional and all of that is causing me to be short with my husband it's not my husband that's causing all of this and I needed to be aware of that and I ended up saying

I was like I'm sorry I'm sorry for how I've acted today I'm just uncomfortable and when you're uncomfortable it causes things to be an issue but what a cool opportunity I need to do a better job of this too because what a cool opportunity to switch it from like this aggressive conversation that could hurt feelings to an opportunity for me to then help you like hey why don't you go take a nap or why don't I give you a back scratch or you know what I'm saying it's like but it takes a certain amount of self-reflection and that's why I don't know people talk about the benefits of journaling or prayer and it's all kind of like leads to being more aware of you where you lie in the context of things anyway which leads us to our next one

I'm jumping out of order here because we just referenced it. Something that comes up I think this is something we actually learned from a premier to counselor. We should do a whole episode on counseling, by the way. I just want to get him on here so we can talk to him.

Dr. D. Yeah. Anyways, I think it came from him. I can't remember, but we've talked about it a lot and it comes up in almost every argument or emotional discussion we have, which is always,

try to have a conversation and I say that because that's the vocabulary we use within our relationship a conversation is different than an argument an argument is a conversation that's been taken too far and you get emotional so something you'll probably if you could be a fly on the wall every time we're having an argument one of us will just sit there and say babe I want to have a conversation and it's just this reminder of like let's take our tones to down let's take our emotions out of this let's truly talk about what's going on and try not to be defensive emotional hurt sad whatever it might be it kind of serves as just yeah like a reminder that a calibration of our goal here is to address an issue yeah and learn how we can respect each other

better than next time this comes up as opposed to just getting pissed at each other for that sake I think it's also a reminder to your significant other or whoever it is you're talking to that your intention there is not to hurt like Andrew said what your goal my goal here is not to hurt you is not to point fingers or blame it's truly to talk through something so we can figure out how to do it better next time yeah and on that note uh let's see who said that oh Steve and Linda Zanako mentioned that there are times where that's harder to to either be the giver of that conversation or receiver of it and there might be times where you need to just step away from the conversation and that's fine to do they say as long as you say hey can we continue this

conversation in 30 minutes i need to take a break like taking a hot second if your emotions are are heated what what are you laughing at because i'm more i love you and it's just like we're done I'm done here I got a lot to work on I have a lot to work on you baby I have a lot to work I'm actually appreciating this conversation some general guidelines that we have when we do have arguments

are fortunately neither Sean and I cuss that often but whenever we do it might be in an argument and that's bad it always amplifies things always makes sure either of us feel belittled so we try not to cuss and then no yelling yes yeah yeah and that that really helps us keep things reasonable and know that we're actually having a conversation and not just you know an argument usually yelling and cussing of any kind comes from just such a desperate frustration of I don't know how to talk to you and it's just it's just because either of us

get so frustrated that we don't know how to get across what we're trying to get across and you just break as a human being not in a bad way it's just like it's like a hissie fit yeah so we try very very hard never to yell and never to cuss because it shuts the other person down another another general guideline rule that we we learned this from dr d was whenever you're referring to something a mistake an argument a criticism try not to ever say you did this to me because that puts it on your spouse that they were intentionally trying to do something to hurt you say this action made me feel this way and give your spouse the benefit of the doubt be like because you didn't close the cabinet door

I felt like you whatever actually this is interesting someone is saying that there's a list of I think it's eight different emotions we'll link that down below but like actually you it sounds so elementary and it sounds childish but hey you're not closing the cabinet door made me feel sad and here's why right but it's helpful because it actually furthers the conversation because then you understand oh dang that's up you probably don't want me to feel sad so how can you prevent yeah but if you were to say that so you not closing the cabinet door made you feel sad which I don't it might don't freaking mock that it might um is different than saying you made me feel sad yeah because you made me feel sad is an intention and you're alluding that you're

significant other purpose or you're assuming that your significant other purposely tried to hurt you and that causes more issue than not that's a good nuance we have four more and then we'll wrap this up the next one is and it's similar is when you apologize Sean since apologized a lot probably more I could probably apologize more but neither of us are right because when Sean over-apologizes kind of waters down I think there's a right way to say it yeah there's a right way to do an apology and it's hey Sean I'm sorry for making you feel sad for not closing the cabinet door yeah be specific yeah being specific in saying I I did this and made you feel this way and I'm going to try to do this better it takes a lot of freaking it's humility

and it's self-reflection. It's owning your mistake at the same time, like, recognizing your significant other and intending to make them feel better. Yes. So there's that. Reading, playing, learning. Stellist lenses do more than just correct your child's vision. They slow down the progression of myopia. So your child can continue to discover all the world has to offer through their own eyes. Light the path to a brighter future with stellar lenses for myopia control. Learn more at SLR.com and ask your family eye care professional for SELOR Stellas lenses at your child's next visit. Today's show is also brought to you by Upward. Hey, babe, what is it that our scene?

This was a situation that happened last week. Sean brought home. What was it last week? Oh, it was a painting? Oh, yeah, yeah. It was the new pictures that we got in our master bedroom, which, by the way, we're going to do a tour in that on the main channel. oh they arrived they arrived and it was like in the middle of workday i'm waiting months for the delivery guy dropped them off and i was like doing something on my computer and sean says

babe can i show you the new pictures i'm so excited and i said yes in five hours yeah basically like after he's done working yeah i'm busy don't talk to me now pretty much and uh that doused your excitement it did and it was a missed opportunity there was something i brought up that night And I said, you know what, babe, I totally understood you had a busy work day. But I would have really appreciated had we been able to share in that excitement together. Even if it's something that you truly aren't excited about, joining in on excitement with your spouse is one of the greatest things you can do. Yeah, it really is. And if you douse your spouse's excitement on anything, it's a way to kind of douse your love for them.

And it's something we talk about, no, no, not in about, I don't mean that. I'm not saying you or dousing our love. I'm saying within a relationship, it's very important to share in each other's excitement. I feel like this. The further we progress in our marriage, the more kids we have, the older we get, the more things kind of settle down. Like we're in the long haul of life right now, I feel like, you know, there's less exciting things happening less frequently. There's less things to be excited about. So anytime there is something to be excited about, like take it, take it in as much as you can,

enjoy that as much as you can. And I miss that opportunity. So I'm sorry. You know, I'm going to do better job. On the note of excitement, though, I've realized this. I'm just so glad that live sports are back, baby. And so it's kind of been this inherent expectation of mine that a couple nights a week, I'll watch a sports game.

Whatever it is. I don't even care what it is. I just want to watch sports. and so I'm working on doing this better actually sharing with Sean why I'm excited and that I'm excited and so that way instead of us putting Drew down and then me going down and turn on the TV and her feeling like oh what is you doing like it's pushing me into the side it's Sean you won't believe it the Lakers play the X and game five of the finals LeBron's killing it like this is a super important game because X Y and Z and then it informs you it gets you excited and also

So is a way better way for me to actually accomplish my goal of watching the sports game because now you understand why, you know? And I think one of the most beautiful things in a relationship, think back to like when you were dating your husband or wife or your significant other, there's nothing cooler than seeing your person be so excited about something. Yeah, yeah. And whether you like what it is they're excited about or not, there's something so fun and beautiful about seeing Andrew, giddy like little kid, excited about something.

And I want to share that with him. I want to celebrate it. I want to be there with him. I want to be able to be like, what in the heck is on TV and what is going on and how does this game work? But I want to be there for him. And if you don't voice that to your significant other and say, babe,

I'm so excited. U.S. Gymnastic National Championships is on this weekend. I can't wait to watch it because X, Y, and Z. Even if you hate watching gymnastics, it's still fun to share it. and if you can truly be like almost like the fake it to you make it a little bit be like babe I'm really excited for you I can't wait to like sit down and have you explain this to me

I don't understand but I'll participate it makes that other person feel celebrated yeah it's a it's a opportunity to get to know your significant other better it's an opportunity to learn something it's an opportunity to have conversations you've never had before which again happens less and less the older you get so that's something but and that could apply to anything sports or reading a book like Sean I love reading and Sean feels like it whatever it's Sean feels different about it sometimes so but joining in on the excitement and explaining that goes a long way I have one more and then yeah I don't know what this well I just feel like actually I'm reading this this goes back this is kind of bringing a full circle so this is last one from my side if you have

any more I don't think so um this goes back to like what tone are you approaching the conversation with there'll be sometimes where we'll be sitting there in the morning and I'll say are you working out today? And it's like there's a certain way to ask a loaded question of it's clearly me.

Why do you want me to work out today? That's actually hilarious because I didn't even, I deleted that part of that note but you still interpreted that way. It's either going to be like me, expecting you to work out because you think I think you need it yeah I'm saying or it comes off as like a oh he clearly doesn't want me to work out because he has plans yeah so I don't know how

quite to phrase that it's probably the the least well communicated point of these but there's a certain way to ask a question or to make plans that helps it be effective you You're not crazy about that one. It's almost like the, it's almost like the, oh, we get dressed up for the night and I say, are you sure you want to wear that? Like, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I don't know.

I don't know what you call that. But that's a thing. I'm trying to help you here. I appreciate that. Because we go through this every single morning. We basically have one time slot in the day with like child care and work and everything where we can work out. But it really only allows for one person to work out each day.

We kind of alternate. So if I say, are you going to work out today? It's almost like me projecting in that question that I want to work out. Yeah. So anyway, whatever. I don't know. Here's the thing with it. It's just being honest with your communication and trusting that the other person is being

honest as well. So instead of me asking that question with the hopes that you'll say no so that I can work out, it's, hey, babe, I would love to work out today. Is that okay? That's great. So it's just being honest. Yeah. and then I'll be like,

but is there a way we can figure it out? Because I really wanted to work out. No, you wouldn't say that, but you can work on that. I know. You can work on that part of honesty. Anyway, so that's clearly, that's a great way to kind of remind us

that we are not trained marriage counselors or family therapists. We don't know what you call these things. Our purpose is not to give professional advice, more to give specific examples of things that we've learned. So that honestly, we love this podcast because it records in time, memories for us and things that we need to remember.

So I hope you found this helpful as well. But with that, please, if you guys have found any other things that work for you or anything that like comes up in repetition of things you want to work on, vocabulary that you guys use in arguments, please let us know because we're always looking for new, I don't know,

tools to use within our relationship and our marriage. And the good news is you can leave comments on that. Apple Podcasts rating and review section or also this is the only YouTube channel that we have that has comments so you can drop them there as well um hope this show was helpful i enjoyed i actually felt like that might have been our best episode we've done so far the best solo episode yeah until the very end when i just dropped the confusing one i think it was great baby i thought it was good thanks for talking about that stuff i love you i love you baby very thankful for you thank you guys for listening. I'm very thankful for you. I'm Andrew. I'm Sean. We are the East fam.

Out.