Couple Things with Shawn and Andrew - 89 Setting Boundaries

Episode Date: November 3, 2021

This week on Couple Things, Shawn and Andrew dive into setting boundaries. From in-laws to kids, and work to social media, they cover it all, and it all comes down to communication. Here are a few topics that we cover: 0:00 introduction 2:30 social media 14:35 parents and in-laws 19:06 friends 32:33 communication 38:28 kids 43:50 divorce WE ARE NOMINATED FOR A PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARD!! You can vote here ▶ bit.ly/3jW0aIm ANDD....WE ARE GOING ON TOUR!! Check out the link below to see if we are coming to a city near you in 2022! Click here to get your tickets now ▶ https://www.couplethingspod.com/ We are sponsored by these companies that we love. Check them out below: Ten Thousand ▶ Ten Thousand is offering our listeners 15% off your purchase! Just go to TENTHOUSAND.CC and enter the code: EASTFAM to redeem the discount! If you haven’t yet, please rate Couple Things and subscribe to hear more. Follow us on Instagram to keep the conversation going at https://www.instagram.com/couplething... And if you have suggestions/recommendations for the show, send us your ideas in a video format – we might just choose yours! Email us at [e-mail]. Subscribe for more! http://bit.ly/3rnOdNo Follow My Instagram ▶ http://www.instagram.com/ShawnJohnson Like the Facebook page! ▶ http://www.facebook.com/ShawnJohnson Follow My Twitter ▶ http://www.twitter.com/ShawnJohnson Snapchat! ▶ @ShawneyJ Follow AndrewsTwitter ▶ http://www.twitter.com/AndrewDEast Follow My Instagram ▶ http://www.instagram.com/AndrewDEast Like the Facebook page! ▶ http://www.facebook.com/AndrewDEast Snapchat! ▶ @AndrewDEast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew tends to be very... Friendly. Stop giving me those eyes. I've gotten those eyes like eight times, bro, already. You are very friendly, but you're also very oblivious to when someone is into you. What's up, everybody? Welcome back to a couple things. With Sean and Andrew.

A podcast all about couples. And the things they go through. Today's topic is brought to you by you guys. Let's go. Which is boundaries. Boundaries when it comes to social media. Parents. Divorce.

Friends. Kids work and communication. That's right. Sean put a ton of effort into today's episode, kind of going through what we have established or try to establish in our life. And you were curious about some of these things, given the fact that we spend a lot of time on social media and share a lot of our experience with the world.

It's like, how do we go about this? Let us also reiterate, we are not professionals. We do not know the answers to these things. This is just our thoughts, our processes, and what we do within our marriage. So if you are a professional and you are listening to us just shaking your head, please teach us. Put it in the comments. Tell us your ways because we are always looking for a better way to do things. Yeah.

And we're always open to new guests that are thoughtful. I do think as we preface this, the goal here is not to mimic our boundaries. or our systems that shouldn't be how you view this episode is just hearing how we do it so you can apply it directly to your situation. It's more being thoughtful about your situation, your life, and what your setup is. And just going through the process of, you know, we would love to spark that conversation with your spouse or with your in-laws or whatever that is so that you can figure out what the best setup is for you.

And before we get into it, if you haven't yet, please. subscribe to the show and give it a rating on whatever platform. We are everywhere you can find podcasts, but we also do the video podcast. So if you'd like to see Sean's pretty face and my bruiser that I have right now, you can go to YouTube and find us there. It's a couple things. But we appreciate all the feedback that we get. And it's the fun part is getting to hear your thoughts along with this.

So you ready to jump into this? Let's do it. Let's go. Okay. So all of these different subtopics were also brought to you by you guys. And the first one that people wanted to know about was boundaries in regards to social media. Wow. Yeah.

I feel like it's a relevant topic given society today. And what are the stats? Just like how many hours do people spend on social media now? That's actually not a question. I don't have that answer. You just, you set me up for failure on that one. I think it's like two, two and a half, which is bonkers. At least.

Yeah, that's, I think probably more. We should just find the data right here. Yeah. Anyway, so given the fact that people do spend so much time on social media, how do you have healthy relationships with your kids, with your spouse, while trying to balance all the things in life? I do want to say the boundaries we have currently set on social media. The only boundaries that we have, and I think a lot of these are going to spark new boundaries that we'll put in place. But the only boundaries that we have are, do we have any? On social media.

Oh, I will say, okay, one boundary we've put together. One boundary we have put together is we are not allowed to share anything on social media that we haven't, like, worked out. So if we're in the middle of an argument, if we're in the middle of experiencing the zoo with our family and our daughter and our son, or if we're in the moment of a holiday, it has to at least, like, come after we've experienced it together. It has to be our moment first before it's the world. Yeah, and that applies for good experiences as well as bad. So like Sean and I are not going to share arguments that we haven't really resolved or come to an understanding with, with the world before we're on the same page with that, which is I feel like important and it's worked for us so far. And I will say we set this boundary because we learned from experience that it didn't work doing it the other way. Because we started out sharing things in the moment.

we started out asking for opinions and arguments and really kind of incorporating social media into our minute-by-minute life and that didn't work so we kind of put that delay delayed boundary on there the other boundary we do have which i forgot about um is negative comments so yeah we have a big rule within our household which is you do not respond to negative comments because whatever you give more attention to is what you'll get you'll get more of and it's kind of of that whole kindergarten lesson of be kind to others what is the lesson treat others the way you want to be treated wow it's called the golden rule and it sounds like you need a reminder i do i do a couple of things though first of all on the note of negative comments we could ask this a lot in like interviews like how do you deal

with all the hate when you're a parent and we honestly are so fortunate that many of you listening most of you listening are so kind and generous and welcoming and understanding so that like really Sean and I's experience on all the social media apps is really an uplifting fun good experience for us. So that is not the case for everybody. I'll say that though. Very true. I do want to bring up a few questions that people asked and I just want to talk this through because we haven't we haven't talked through these boundaries. What on social media is considered flirting or across the line? What do you mean? Like, like DMing people?

DEMming is DMing flirting? Is DMing flirting? Is liking a picture that you think is attractive flirting? Like what crosses the line on social media? Especially because on social media, you're served up so much that is already across the line within like a relationship. Deep, wow. It really is.

Because in what day and age do you sit and just scroll through booty pictures all day every day. It's like we just live in a... Is that what you do with your desk? That is. That's what I scroll through. I just scroll through washboard abs. Whoa. I'm kidding. Just pictures of me. Yes, obviously. But it just, it, it brings up the question. Here's where I'll say that we have stumbled into a fortunate situation. I don't have the freedom to, because whatever, we have a following of whatever size. And with that following, comes expectations and it's kind of like Tim Tebow like he has to live up to a certain standard because he preaches a certain standard which is great yeah our standard is way different than his well

I don't know that's a topic for a different conversation but I can't like comment wild things on a girl's post or DM her without like being pretty aware that there'll be consequences yeah have I posted wild things why are you looking at me like that would you want to no I'm saying there is that check and balance that that's that is interesting though that you bring that up not the not the not after no no no no hear me out totally different than you think I'm going to say it's interesting that you're saying it's almost the golden rule to a certain extent social media can also be your accountability partner yeah but it could also be your downfall and I truly think you can lead a certain life and and you know

put on a facade but social media I'll find you out man and I think we've never voiced this but our perspective with social media is there's nothing private about it like no some people think that me comment like them commenting on a on a post won't be seen no you should always assume that that someone will see it even if your account is private someone will see it and someone will screenshot it and save it forever so we keep things pretty clean I don't even know if I comment back anything other than emojis like we love emojis like we love emojis. Oh my gosh.

You're wilding right now. No, I lost my train of thought. So thank you for that. But no, hold on. I remembered, I was just about to say, I do love commenting. That's like the whole purpose of social media, remember, is like to connect and interact and converse with people. Yeah.

So I do love responding to comments. I will say I keep it pretty vanilla. And like, I'm not getting into political discussions or diatribes. with people. It's like, we try to keep it positive. Like, hey, this is cute. And then, like, I'll send back an emoji. And that's safe. I do think, though, back to the question of what is considered flirting or over the line, that is really, really hard on social media. Like I said, because everything is already over the line. I think you truly just have to ask yourself at the end of the day. Like, I know I've been asked questions in DMs by, we get a lot of like

strangers and new people in our DMs. And I will humor a question of like, hey, how are you and I can tell immediately within a response what someone's intention is going towards and if someone's trying to like get my number or whatever it might be it's like okay this is this is not appropriate I'm done does that make sense yeah well I think the root issue here is not what what exact words can I respond with or what can I not respond with it's more like is there a foundation of trust and so Sean and I what's your intention yeah and that that kind of comes with like I trust Sean we have you're the only relationship I've been in my whole life that I didn't have like not that I had this weird complex or like mistrust but it was like you interacting with boys you were the you were the first female who had a ton of male friends yeah that didn't make me uncomfortable in some sense like you would have people come to town like most of your friends were male I don't know why still but like that was never an issue for me and I feel like it's so easily could be Yeah.

But fortunately, the way you talk about them to me, it was never like in a giggly, like, reminiscent, nostalgic way. It was like, yeah, it was a good time with so-and-so. And I was like, okay, cool. Like, there's nothing for me to mistrust. So we do have that foundation of trust that carries over into social media where I'm like, I don't feel the need to scour all of your DMs, you know. Yeah.

That's a really fortunate situation. But I do think, going back to that, it's just, it's a matter of intention. You can get out of some social media, whatever you want, but you have to know what your attention is going into it. Like if you're looking at booty pictures, you know very clearly why you're looking at booty pictures. Yeah. And if you're also trying to enter the question of,

hey, is this too flirtatious? Then it's probably the wrong question. Yeah. It's like, why are you trying to not be flirtatious? Like, what are you about right now?

Okay, we are really beating the subject down. The other, okay, other questions for social media, who can you follow? Can you follow X's? Can you follow opposite sex? Can you? We don't have any guidelines on that.

You and I. I do think that there's a probably an unspoken. No, I don't think so. I also don't spend that much time consuming social media. It's more than creating for us. Yeah. Do you follow your ex? I don't.

Okay. I will say though. Which ex? Don't you follow? What do you mean? All of them. I do remember vivid not vividly I remember like I was following my ex for a while while we were dating and probably even married but not even knowing it and I remember like being served up an

image and I was like you know what I don't think it's not worth even like looking at because I don't feel like that honors you I really appreciate that it's a handshake I appreciate that about you and I think that goes into what's considered flirting or over the line is like how can I honor my husband the best in what I'm consuming and even like on TikTok or whatever when something gets served up and it's like oh should I watch this well it probably not you know yeah I guess have high standards for yourself and then that carries over like then you won't have to try to beat the standards or hide from the standards of your spouse yeah is that a fair way to say that yeah and I'm for I feel like we both have that yeah okay I've never this

This is making me think about interesting things. It is. I think it was Jordan Matthews who said that in regards to his NFL career, which was every single day I tried to remind myself like, in how I act and how I look and how I'm talking to strangers on the street, I want to always be honoring my spouse. Yeah. And I think that's taken, it takes a long time or it takes time for that to be realized

within a relationship because you're like oh you can feel selfish that way but I think it's such a beautiful perspective to have yeah and I don't view it as like a pressure situation it's like this is what's good for me like I guess at the end of day because it's good for my marriage and it's you know yeah and I remember him saying it was such pride of this is a standard to which I want to uphold myself and he had so much pride and saying that was my challenge every day and I think that was really It was really beautiful. I realized that I led that conversation with the weird, like, there's the expectation that I can't do this.

And that was the wrong thing I lead with. I got it, maybe. Let me say this too. We try to keep what we share like as real time and raw as possible, but to Sean's earlier illusion, there's just things that we can't. And it's not good for our family to do that. And so I hope you appreciate the fact that our family is our first priority.

And then, you know, sharing that story with other people comes somewhere later on down that list. So we do whatever we can to protect our family first. And then, yeah, and then that comes later. Okay. Next topic. Are you ready to move on? Well, we need to. We got a lot to get through.

Okay, great. Okay. You're going down a sentimental hole. Parents and in-laws. Something that we were taught by our premarital account. counselor, which was a perspective that we had never really thought of before, was it is so important as your spouse. And this takes a lot of time to figure out. And it takes a lot of like transition time to get used to. But I remember before we got married and even before we were engaged, you know,

like the first person I would talk to or call would be my mom or dad. And they would be like my backboard to everything. And I would vent to them. I would, you know, tell them what I was struggling with. But then when you get engaged and married, our premarital counselor was saying, you need to set up a boundary right now that your backward is your husband or your spouse. Because when it comes to your parents and in-laws, no matter the issue, no matter if you so strongly disagree, you always need to take your spouse's side before you take your families. It's crazy. I didn't understand how powerful that was.

Me either. Until we've been married longer. And we've gone through these situations. Yeah. So the thought being, if I have beef with Sean and I go and tell my Sean or my parents, hey, you won't believe what Sean did. She never does chores or whatever. My parents are going to take my side. Always. They will. And then that roots them or pits them against Sean. Like they'll view Sean as, oh, she doesn't do chores. She's lazy or whatever. Which only then puts a wedge within your relationship. Yeah. Again, think about

long term what's good like what's what is a good thing winning that immediate battle or having your parents support your spouse and your marriage like that that was so wildly um profound to me and so we try to tackle issues ourselves and if if we do ask our parents about it like say your parents see us fighting then like you'll not minimize it but it's like hey we're working through this or you'll you'll not throw me under the bus by any means and I appreciate that. That's the boundary there is if it does come to a point where you're getting

you're talking to outside people whether it's your parents your in-laws your sister your sibling your friends it has to be within it has to be a respectful way to your spouse it can't be throwing them under the bus which also brings up the topic of this is a boundary that we have set

but we've had to work on and practice and I think we still practice it is it's so easy with when you're in like a family setting to take your family side on topics of everything from scheduling which for us causes a lot of risk or politic politics whatever it is like in the the best thing to do which we're getting more in the practice of is like hey if it's a scheduling thing let me talk with Sean like Sean and I are going to can we take five minutes and work through this and then we'll come back and it's like we're literally a unified front is the goal that's like what we're trying to get to and because what you also don't ever want to happen within like parents and in-laws is

oh yeah I agree with my mom and now we but we don't agree with you it's never like it can never be set up to where it's the family against the spouse and Andrew and I have kind of lived that firsthand whether it was I remember there were times where it was about a dog or it was about or food or whatever where I would feel like an outcast or he would feel like an outcast and you never want your spouse to feel like that within your family yeah that I mean there's nothing more isolating than that probably and it goes back to the belief that like when you get married your spouse comes before your family and you have to honor that and that that takes time yeah and I think uh the broader application here too is even with like friend groups or work groups

whatever like just be be really thoughtful and strategic and smart about what information you share with who not like to deceive anybody but like generally I'm thinking of gossip yeah gossip within friend groups only has the end result of like making someone feel hurt or or excluded you know so think about that beyond your spouse and your in-laws and apply that to other things and I think there's benefits there too. I do think I'm going to skip this one and go to the fringe real quick, if you don't mind. The longer we've been married to, I don't think, though, that speak, you mentioned vent fending. I don't think that I am always the right person for you to vent everything to, right? And so I have in my life one friend, Ryan, who I do vent everything to, right? Like, yeah, he's my one guy and he knows.

As long as you stay within the boundaries. Yes. And we, no, Ryan and I have talked about this of, hey, I need you to fight, like, your priority is not me in this. It's the benefit of Sean and I's marriage, right? Or like, whatever. Like, that is a priority. It's not like this selfish.

You're not trying to take my side on everything. But that way, like, I'm not whining to you or I'm not unnecessarily bringing up arguments to you. Overventing, I feel like is a possibility and is a thing. but I do have that outlet for like gosh I don't know what to do here like freaking I will say that with an asterisk you have to be very careful who that friend is and you have to have so much trust and who that in how they react because that friend has the ability to make or break your relationship yeah because friends can also be yes men and like take your side and and you don't

want this echo chamber of like man I can't believe Sean does this and then they'll be like yeah I can't believe Sean does that and then that's all you too as friends talk about again And that's why setting up like the, or like setting the foundation or prefacing that relationship with like, hey, I need you to know that my marriage takes priority here and not me trying to win this battle. Yeah. Are you good with that? We, I guess.

Oh, I'm good with that. I didn't know that. I assume that. Did you have one of those? I actually don't. Huh. I've been very careful about that, though. But I will openly admit that I would tend to be more of a gossiper.

So my challenge is always, if I am venting to something. someone it's never in a gossipy way or an angered way or an emotional way which is my tendency so I think I've removed that like go-to option for myself intentionally interesting yeah for me Ryan is that person where it's like I can work out is this gossip or is this I think that's good okay I'm glad we talked about that me too baby I'm sorry we never had that explicit conversation it's okay I know your relationship with him um but that falls within the friends category you guys have a lot of questions about boundaries and friends who can you be friends with and who can you spend so low time with are those answers different we don't spend solo time

one-on-one with people of the opposite sex no i think i will put an asterisk to that i think we both used to not not a lot but i think we did and i think over time we've both which brings up another question, which is like the who can you be friends with? I think it just kept falling back to, is this honoring my spouse? I don't know. Well, context matters too. I said we will never do that. And it's not like, I think there are work meetings where like Jade and I would sit down in a restaurant.

Okay. Does that make you uncomfortable? No. But I do remember you used to hang out with solo time with. I don't know. I don't even know. Are you typing it in here? Yeah. Okay. I think it, I think the context matters a lot. It does. But I bring this up because I think we have both spent time with the opposite sex where we have found out that it made each other uncomfortable. Whether, not because trust was broken, but because it was just kind of like, I just don't know if I like that and I think over time through communication of that within this friends category we have had the boundaries set that there have been friends on both sides that we have both asked each other to maybe step away from does that make sense yeah and that's I guess part of the compromise of

marriage yeah and I think that goes from outside perspective is everything but also that that that friend might not be if that friend is affecting the marriage then then i don't know if it's worth it yeah but we we don't have like limitations on how you can be friends with no i'm friends with tons of girls you're friends with tons of guys you're like whatever that it's not just a gender thing either it's like what are their hobbies or interests like what are you know what is their career whatever it is like we don't have any boundaries on that we actually love having this hodgepodge of of people but again I think it's context. So, like, we hang out with, I hang out with a bunch of girls, but it's usually in the couple

setting where we'll, like, do games and, like, I don't know. I just think what good is going to happen of hanging one-on-one solo on a couch at your home when no one else is there, like, nothing. Have we done this? No. I'm kidding. I'm getting hard time. So summary there is our boundary is we really try to respect each other when it comes to

friends, that if there is a friend setting that we are uncomfortable with, we try to vocalize it and bring it up yeah and the sooner the better too just honestly uh our one rule in our relationship is transparency so like hey let's have this conversation now I didn't like how you spent time with so and so and then like oh what made you uncomfortable about that and I'm sorry and like and then you know I want to go straight to this one now okay because I think it's the same as I think work who can you work with are there like rules around hours boundaries there I think it's the same thing as friends I think one you know your intention two if there is someone at work that makes your spouse uncomfortable, you need to talk about that and why, and you need to

set boundaries there. Because that conversation of figuring out what about that situation makes your spouse uncomfortable is really a learning opportunity of like, oh, how can I get to know Sean better? Like, I'll be very transparent with this. We have had people that we've worked with before that I didn't feel comfortable working with us. And I voiced it. And I was like, you know what? I don't know why, but I just don't think I'm comfortable with them being in our home and spending so much time with you because I think their intention was poor. Yeah. So you just have, you just have to communicate. I appreciate your, uh, your openness with all this stuff. Andrew tends to be very friendly. Stop giving me those eyes. I've got those eyes like eight times, bro, already. You are very

friendly, but you're also very oblivious to when someone is into you. Oh. Oh. Oh. And I remember, oh my gosh, I remember when we were dating, I used to get so mad at you because all these girls would be like talking to you and hitting you up and they'd be like, oh, can I give you my number? And you're like, yeah, totally. And I'm like, why did you just get our number? And you're like, she offered it. Like, you're dumb. You had somebody proposed to you. So that takes the cake.

It was a fan. Okay. We do not have any limitations on their like friends with exes. Sean's actually friends with one of my exes and has found a lot of jokes. She's awesome. Yeah. I'm glad you think that. She's cool.

But we had to have conversations around that like, hey, what's this look like? I feel like you're technically friends with one of my exes. I guess so. Yeah. I don't, I do think there's like a, first of all, we're fortunate where we've never had like this blow up situation. Really none of our relationships have ended terribly. Yeah.

And so there's this just, it's just. maturing process of like hey are we mature enough to handle a situation like this person has a lot of good qualities about them and can we deal with that and everybody also knows you know in your heart and gut that if a relationship is healthy enough after being broken up with that you can be around them or not if you still have any feelings there which is normal for relationships you can keep feelings for people forever it's just natural not in like a I wish I was still with them way. But if you still have that, you have to be very aware of that because that's not fair to your spouse. If it's gone, it's better. I'm a big believer in the statement to know us to love.

And so, like, you know, you've, you've gotten to know this person and the part of you will love them. Like, there's qualities about them that you love. That's just how it is. But, you know, you got to mature past that kind of. And regarding my ex, again, the context, I'm not sitting here texting or DMing or Facebook messenger. No, but I am. honest. Yeah. Right. And so like when we see each other, it's not like we have inside jokes that we're sharing. It's like, no, okay. But we do. Anyway, uh, I do think that we have been strategic with, uh, not just people of the opposite sex, but like friends, like potentially toxic friends. Like, hey, there's qualities that this person brings out in you, uh, when you spend a lot

of time with them that I don't think are good for our marriage or you know that is actually a conversation we've had a lot over the years which is acknowledging and respecting your spouse when they so and I to give me an example we'll have this conversation I'll be like babe I I'm tending to see that you gossip more yeah when you hang out with this friend or you might drink alcohol way more when you're with this friend and we have those conversations a lot and it's kind of like are you one strong enough to recognize this and change it when you're in the company of this person or if not we should talk about how this is affecting our marriage and if it's worth hanging out with this person every single day you know and there have been quite a few times it's probably a handful of friends on both sides where we've probably taken some distance because it benefits our marriage more yeah In our company, we have an IDS kind of breakdown where we identify, discuss, and solve. And I think that applies to the situation. We're like, hey, let's identify this issue of this friend isn't a good influence on you.

Let's discuss what about it. Like we can do or why that's the case or can I positively impact them, et cetera. And then let's like figure out a solution to that. Like, hey, you know what, let's just not, let's hang away. them once a month instead of once a week or let's not see them at all like whatever the solution is yeah just I think that's a good framework of like it's almost like instead of putting this sounds harsh to say instead of putting boundaries on us when it comes to friends we've almost put boundaries on friends and we know like this person has full access to our life or this person

we should probably keep at arms arm's length and this person we can tell more things too we kind to have our boundary set per friend. Yeah. That based off of how it affects us. Yeah. And what their angle is kind of. But Sean and I are huge, massive believers in community.

One of the, I guess, principles that I generally live by is like if you're trying to make a decision, choose the decision that brings you into closer community. And sometimes that means not hanging out with a certain friend, which will bring you into closer community with this group of people

because you're gossiping less and you're more healthy of a person yourself, et cetera. So, like, it's not that we're isolating ourselves because that's definitely not the answer. It's like, what, again, what's good in the long term? Is this making me a more thoughtful, caring, selfless person? What's the quote about your reflection of? You're the average of the five people we spend the most time with. Yeah, which really hits home for us.

We both look at who are the people we spend the most time with. What did their lives look like? And do we want our lives to look like that? next topic communication and then we'll save the one for last a lot of questions here oh okay gosh this happened last night matter of fact i've realized the way sean and i operate what were we scheduling literally we're talking about the holidays and and it always creates this like we're pissed at each other vibe yeah i don't know why no reason so anyway i've realized sean and i don't do well when we're trying like we're discussing something that sparks emotions and then there's arguments

about those emotions and how can we deal with those while we're in the heat of the moment that does not work well for us so i have tried to be strategic with okay sean did this in this conversation and it it like made me angry so i'm not going to bring it up now i'm not going to like as we're having this conversation about scheduling say it freaking pissing me off when you do that i'm going to bring it up in a less heated situation where because the goal is to not be angry for me right and so by i think the best way to accomplish that is not by throwing it in like gasoline on the fire during this conversation it's hey we're level headed we're removed from the situation sean i would like you to do less of this in the future and that will prevent me from being angry so taking it outside the realm of the immediate

conversation zooming out a little bit more the question was when to bring it up and when is it worth a fight Ander and I are in just the mud right now of kids where the only time we truly get to talk is at the end of the day right before we go to bed, which is a terrible mix of just stuff because we argue when we're tired, we argue when we're hungry, and we argue when we feel disconnected with each other, which is really, all three of those come to a head at night. So we always try to talk through everything at night and it never works or not right now just because we're sleep deprived usually hangary and haven't seen each other all day so yes last night i was doing the same thing i was being i was getting frustrated by how you were trying to

communicate and i was bringing it up in the moment and i would say to both of those you need to know when to bring it up and when you are both in a safe space and is it worth a fight if you can laugh it off the next morning no but that's really hard to see in the moment we spoke with two uh thanks therapist from the Gottman Institute, which is like this world renowned marriage counseling group. And they said, time to bring it up is not when you're hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. That was their halt, right? Which is pretty much us every night. Hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.

So like, just be aware. Hey. Yeah. I'm, it's, it's a midnight. And I feel really angry with Sean, but I should probably just go to bed and not have a 45 minute argument. Is that a little, was that a little job? I will say the boundaries we have put on our fighting which takes practice and we slip up a lot but those are these are like the ones that we've we've vocalized and we have said when we argue

these are like markers within our arguments that things are getting heated and we need to take a step back um no cussing at each other nothing good happens when that comes out yeah it's just like It just inflames the situation for us. Yelling. So when your volume goes up, we always have to take a step back because volume usually, for me, comes out of frustration of my point isn't being understood. And same with you. Like when we start to, when we start to get louder, it's usually a time we're like, okay,

you know, this is, this is, we're crossing a boundary. Passive aggressiveness. So this is where I struggle, that, that duo right there. I know. Balancing, hey, I'm going to keep a calm. tone but also not be passive aggressive because if I'm talking calmly I am going to be passive aggressive that's you know what I'm saying it's like I actually don't know how to argue I actually thought it was I not I'm going to tell you this for the first time in an argument we had the

day I almost busted out laughing because again one of our boundary boundaries is no cussing and you spelled out the word you're like what the H-E double hockey sticks and I I it took everything my power not to just bust out laughing and be like I still think that counts but um the other two things that we have are no finger pointing or try very hard not to finger point so no it is your fault you did this which is very hard yeah and no leaving but that doesn't mean no pausing the conversation correct that just means you cannot walk out on the conversation you cannot turn your back and just leave yeah the other thing Sean and I try to be precise with our speech so try to use as small of blame as possible so not words like you always do this or

you never do that we call it inaccurate and it all it does is like creates defensiveness and the other person we've realized yeah so yeah no blanket statements and then there's one other um oh the other boundary I think that we set and this is more on the positive side is realizing and reminding each other during the fight as often as we can if we have the perspective to of like uh steve and linda said we're on the same team and we know how this ends which is us still married after this right like sometimes like now sean and i are laughing about the argument we had last night we were not laughing last night but we're on the other side of it and that's kind of how a lot of things in life are it's like hey this freaking sucks right now but you have an understanding that we'll get through it and

It's going to be fine. We're going to be laughing about this. So kids, I think this is very, very similar to parents and in-laws. Our boundary here, which again, we're working through, we have toddlers. We have a toddler and infant, so we don't know how to do this yet, but we're practicing as it goes. It has to be, and this sounds bad, but it has to be the parents versus the kid and not one parent and the kid versus the other parent. so Andrew and I are team and it's us versus them always yeah and that sounds brutal it does us versus them but like yeah and it's right in a lot of senses meaning our marriage is

priority and also we're on the same page versus whatever antics are going on with the with the little ones it can't ever be you know dad said yes but mom said no you know it always has to be a unified team which is very very challenging and we're still figuring out how to navigate that and because we both have different opinions as to how to parent in certain ways. But the best thing you can do for your kid is you guys have to be unified in order for it to work. So our boundary there is it's always us versus them. We don't have like one thing that Sean brought up that I think we've tried to practice. And it actually has been good for our conflict is you said let's try to have conflict in front of our kids so we can show them healthy ways to argue.

Yeah. And the result has been us arguing in a healthier way, ideally, right? Because it's like, I don't want Drew seeing me flip out or like flip chairs or, you know, whatever. Which you have never done. But it's like, okay, I realize now my daughter is watching me and she will adopt my habits here. So let me gather myself for her sometimes. Sometimes that's the motivation I need, right?

And then we got to ask a lot about what do we share, regarding our kids on social media and what do we not share? So let me say this too. No one has ever done what the current climate allows, which is sharing your kids, your family, your marriage with millions of people. Like no one's done that.

So we're not going to sit here and act like we have the answer and we're doing it exactly right. And here's the rule book. We're following it. Our attempt and what we're doing is to encourage and uplift families. and we don't know how to make it through this because no one's ever done this before but we have seen families who have made it through this

really, really well and like way stronger because of this because what a crazy, cool opportunity that Sean and I get to work together and like and you know spend most of the day together and build something together. There's something really cool about that. But there's also families that we've seen in the space who haven't done it well.

So we're trying to just go about it thoughtfully in a way that protects our family. And so, again, we're not saying we've, we've aced it or crushed it, but we kind of live by this, well, Drew Holcomb said something profound and that the human heart was not made for fame. And so like, you know, we love sharing stories, but as far as like gathering millions of opinions or millions of likes or dislikes, I don't care how experienced you are. Sean, you've been a professional gymnast since you were 12.

you just can't deal with that amount of approval or disapproval in a healthy way. So like we, again, that's why we try not to consume that much social media. It's more like we're coming at it from a place of creating and sharing, not like being obsessed with all of the feedback that we get, you know? And I mean, we're still learning. We don't know the effect this is going to have on us in 10 years, the effect it'll have on our children. It's a terrifying, you know, decision to make every single day.

But I think when it comes to social media, our boundaries there, I almost want to say change with every decision. It's a new conversation with every decision, every post, every situation. It's just something we're still navigating. Yeah. I mean, there's some parents like Kristen and Dax who put smiley faces over their kids' faces. I saw someone else blur their kids' face. we have decided not to go that route but obviously we're not put like no nudity for our kids no like embarrassing moments i think we've tried yeah no um and actually i had to learn from

experience on this but like when the child isn't like upset because of an injury or whatever like an instance that's not for social media no right like we can talk about it after and that's why Sean and I have this format for our YouTube videos where we narrate like we'll sit down after the fact and talk through it because it takes pressure off from us like the vlog style of yeah hey here's Sean crying we've done that a little bit and we've had to had discussions about that but like we obviously want our kids to to be healthy and not embarrassed publicly and all this stuff so I don't know that was that was a lot but we have a lot of discussions and thoughts about this and yeah we're still working through it. Yeah, that's a topic that if you guys have opinions and thoughts,

please share because, again, hours changes every single day. Last boundary. Okay, let's hit it. This one comes with so many asterisks and caveats, but something that Andrew and I were taught by our premarital counselor is how he, his name is Dr. D, but he always said once you're married and engaged, I think, to never use the D word. So when it comes to, divorce it should not be a threat it should not linger over your heads it should not be something that you're afraid of because it shouldn't exist within your realm of options and possibilities in a marriage however i want to throw in there that is that does not mean mentally or physically abusive relationships that does not mean you know anything in the context of unhealthy

unsafe. That's a good way, I think unsafe. Yeah. Andrew and I know that we both have the best intentions for each other. And as long as we have that, that is a word we don't use. So we've done episodes like with the Gottman Institute, like with the shrink chicks, several of with these therapists who have talked to us about healthy ways to argue. And a lot of it has to do with like this understanding that when you're in an argument,

you're being hijacked by your emotions. And that's what we've talked about before. we're like you'll look back on this and laugh and in the moment you're not the same person as as without those emotions so understanding that saying divorce in the middle of an argument is just like this emotional response that ups the ante on what's going and like throws gas on the fire and I think the story like so much of arguments is the stories that you tell yourself right and we've talked about that like bringing in the word divorce into the story story that you're telling yourself is just not a good perspective to be coming from like letting that

thought creep into your hijacked mind in the middle of an argument I just think it's a dangerous spot so that is a boundary we put on our relationship but I will like we said there are asterisk to that one because any unsafe relationship doesn't fall in that category yeah so on that Happy note. Wow. You have a joke that we could... I think we're going to go talk about a lot of these. I'm just sitting here like,

oh, we should talk about this. Yeah, this is good. And that's what we hope is maybe it sparks the conversation. That's, you know, thanks for listening to us for 48 minutes. And then ending on this terrible, sad note. It is. Anyways, though, if you guys have any other boundaries

that you think we should talk about, we should implement that we're missing, that you guys have within your relationships, please put them in the comments below. Anything that you disagree with with what we've talked about the past 48 minutes. Yeah.

Let's start a conversation here. Babe, well done on this. Thank you for the effort here. Yeah. Clearly have more work to go. But if you made it this far, just go ahead and hit the subscribe button and give the show a rating.

We hope you enjoyed it. And our goal with this show and with all the content we put out is to tell a compelling story around families and to really make families the thing that people aspire to have, to make families the thing that people desire more than fancy cars or houses or whatever that thing is because we think that families are the most powerful thing. We hope you appreciate that as well. Also, we have been trying to alternate between these

solo episodes between just Sean and I and interview. So stay tuned next week for a wonderful interview. We're excited to share with you. That's all we got. I'm Andrew. I'm Sean. We are the East fam. Out. Thank you.