Cox n' Crendor Show - 92 - PAX Wrapup

Episode Date: January 31, 2015

In this episode, the boys discuss the important things in life, like themselves. Then Crendor mentions an investigation to find the serial pooper. Jesse is unimpressed.

Hello everybody, it's time for Cox and Crendog! Cox and Crendog in the morning! In the morning! Broadcasting live, live, live, live, live! In 4-hour recording studios! Recording! Wake your ass up! It's Cox and Crendog in the morning! Cox and Crendar in the morning.

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Cox and Grendar in the morning. Welcome back from PAX. Yeah, man. Yeah, we killed it. We killed it. We did all the things we said we'd do. You know what?

Here's the thing. I was surprised. It blew my mind. We showed up. I'm going to let people in on the backstory. We promoted this thing Heavily Mostly because They put us in the biggest theater there

And I was a little worried It'd be us and like Two drunk guys But For a minute For a minute It was almost true We got there

And the people who were like The enforcers They opened one of the doors Cause I got there and there was no line. I saw no one. And I was like, all right. Walked into the theater and was like, oh, no, this place is huge. Got in there and they let – they opened one of the doors and the enforcers were like, all right, here's the crowd. And two dudes walked in.

I was like, oh, no. They're just like, we're here for the show. Oh, no. They're just like, we're here for the show. And then all of a sudden they open another door and like the line just poured in and I was shocked. Shocked. How many people wanted to come see us? It kept rolling. Yeah, it kept going.

I blew my mind how many people came to see us. I don't even know. I'm going to say we broke the laws of time and space to fit as many people in there as we did. Even though we had like two rows open. You know what? That's fine. Yeah. We still had more than the Markiplier panel.

More than any other panel there. Here's what I'm thinking. Next time at PAX East, we get a small room and people have to stand outside and like, oh no, we make it 13 plus so little kids have to stand outside and cry. Oh yeah. Yeah. And then the people that are 18 plus have to fight to get in. Yeah, and then it'll be just a riot.

People will be like, what's that panel about? So then we do the next panel. The people in the front row are just, like, covered in blood, like, I fought my way here for this. For my country. It's like a Gallagher show. We smash watermelons on them. If you remember Gallagher. I don't.

I mean, I do from The Simpsons. Yeah, Gallagher, and he'd break watermelons on people. He you remember Gallagher. I don't. I mean, I do from The Simpsons. Yeah, Gallagher. And he'd break watermelons on people. He was very popular during the 90s. Yeah. He was a comedian who broke watermelons on people. Yeah. That's it.

I don't remember what he did exactly. I don't know what he did either. Except that he broke things on people. Yeah. I mean, he did it. That was his thing. He smashed watermelons on people. And people would pay to sit in the front row and get watermelons smashed on them.

Yep. Yep. Yep. I mean. That's what we'll do. We're going to steal that bit. We're going to just start smashing watermelons. Yeah. Oh, man.

We have such great ideas. That we've stolen from bad comedians. Yeah. Yeah. Bringing it back now. I know. Let's see. We gave out barbecue.

We did. I was mad because we gave away all the good barbecue and I had three pieces of meat. Highly disappointed. It was good, too. Yeah. I ate it. Yeah, Crenor did eat the barbecue. We answered important questions. We changed lives.

We changed lives, really. I mean, really, there weren't that many important questions. I met a young girl and I think we planned a murder together at the panel. I think we said we were going to kill someone together so that she could find true love. Look, I'm willing to help you guys. Oh, yeah, that's true. You also, we met that guy who ate Whataburger with a hobo. We did meet a guy who ate Whataburger with a hobo.

That was weird. And the guy who made the Whataburger was there, too. Yes. By the way, we went to Whataburger. I don't remember that experience at all. It was like 2 a. 2am and you were like I'm drunk, I just wanna give food

Look, we went to the Blizzard Twitch party and they had a drink there called the Thrallocane And I got the Novanator The Thrallocane was four times the size of every other drink So it seemed like the responsible thing to do would be get that And I did. Multiple times.

And I had very little to eat that day, so I was a mess. I only had one Novanator. Continue. Well, uh, oh, might I add, well, I guess we'll get this later, but, um, we went to Whataburger, cause you were like, I need food, man.

In that exact voice. Yep, sounds about right. And then we went there, and you ordered, and. In that exact voice. Yep. Sounds about right. And then we went there, and you ordered, and you left your wallet at the counter, and you left your devil horns that you got from Saints Row on the floor. Thankfully, I had no actual physical cash in that wallet. Yeah. So we're good. And then, what did you?

Yeah, so then we tried Whataburger. What did I do? Well, I mean, we ate Whataburger. Because everybody in Texas was like, you gotta eat Whataburger. It was all right. But here's the thing. I don't remember any of that. All I remember is we went to Whataburger.

You yelled at the guy for spicy ketchup, I remember. You literally, like, yelled at him. Like, he was scared. Well, he didn't give me spicy ketchup. You were, like, looking through his tray. You're like, spicy ketchup? He's like, I could go get more of that for you, sir. And you're just like, you better get more of it.

And he was like, he was so scared. But he's from Texas. He's used to that. Yeah, that's true. And he works at Whataburger at 2A. Yeah, he's used to that. Yeah. But apparently Crandall was like a bunch of people sat at our table.

Yeah, like three different people came and sat down at our table. And like you remembered nothing. I don't remember any of those conversations. I'm sure they were great. Yeah. You talked about Star Wars. Yeah. And lightsabers.

And you talked about Heroes of the Storm. And you talked about live streaming and a few other things. Apparently a bunch of people sat down and I was just like, fool in conversation mode. I apparently hold a very good conversation while drunk. You don't remember any of it. All I remember is being hungry enough to go to Whataburger. I remember everything up until Whataburger. Whataburger, completely don't remember anything.

And you didn't even seem that drunk until you started forgetting all your things. Well, I don't, you know, I'm not like a wacky drunk. Like, whoa, I'm crazy. Like, I'm not 14 you know, I'm not like a wacky drunk, like, whoa! I'm crazy! Like, I'm not 14. Kids, don't drink at 14. I'm not 17. I think it's working, man. I had a sip of beer, I'm so wasted. No, I'm like a cool,

I don't get wild, but I was hungry. I was very hungry. I always only have, like, one or two drinks, and they're usually margaritas, because I like margaritas because they taste good. You did? That's all you drank when we went out was margaritas. You're like, can I get the margaritas?

But at that one place we went to, it was like Rose's Moses. Yes. Right? You got a margarita there. I had a margarita there. That was the strongest margarita I think I've ever had. By the way, Rose's Moses. What is going on?

There's a place in Texas, San Antonio, called Rose's Moses, Moses's Roses, whatever it's called. That place, everyone said, you got to go there, you got to go there, you got to go there. We went there. The service was horrible. It took like 40 minutes to get served. It was horrible. Not even like over-exaggeration, like literal 40 minutes. One person came by and was like, hey, hey, y'all, do you need menus?

Left one menu for four people. Yep. We had two things of silverware. One of the silverware was only a knife. Then we finally got drinks, and when the drinks came, only your and my drink came. I know. No other drinks came. It was so disjointed and a mess.

And then they brought a band out. It was the worst band. Whatever, yo. And then they brought a band out that was the worst band. Whatever, yo. They were like a sassy blues. Oh, that's true. They kept breaking their instruments. They're just like, we're going to take a five-minute break, y'all. We'll come right back.

Then they break another instrument. It's like, hold on, y'all. We're going to take a break. So eventually this blues grass rockabilly band had to become a blues band because half their instruments were broke. So they were like, don't worry y'all, we're going to do some blues for you. And they were just like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I enjoyed it. I thought it was great.

But they kept being like, now we're going to play some Elvis. And it sounded exactly the same as all their other songs. Here's the thing though. Crandor, admit it. Half of that margarita, you were bopping along, too. Don't pretend you weren't. No, halfway through that margarita, I didn't even know where I was anymore. I was, like, legit.

I was like, oh my god, I haven't eaten food, and this is a strong margarita. And I just started, like, forgetting things, and I was like, I'm alive. He did say that at one point. I legit, like, looked at my hands, and looked up at the band, and then looked at, like, all of you, and was like, I'm alive. He did. that at one point. I legit, like, looked at my hands, then looked up at the band, and then looked at, like, all of you and was like, I'm alive. He did.

That did happen. I started freaking out. Here's the thing. It's, like, a fun bar where, like, you have to, in order to get into it, you have to go to this white room, and there's, like, buttons and hula hoops and stuff. It's like, figure out how to get in. You literally just press the button on the wall. But idiots were outside dancing and stuff, and so you could watch them on screens inside the bar so that was the only cool part yeah so when people walk in everyone applaud the people's performances as they tried to figure out

a way to get in it was cute but the problem was i guess they weren't used to that many people yeah and so they ran out of half the food there was like two waitresses for like maybe 200 people it was insane it was not the place to be meanwhile the last night we went to this barbecue place that was so good so good like called the county line or something it was the same place we got for the panel it was it was and i wanted to go back because we didn't get to actually eat the panel food yeah it was good it was delicious i ate the panel food and then uh i think the best place we went to eat i like how this is the where do we go to eat in San Antonio. Yeah.

The best place we want to eat. We talked about it on the panel. Sweet yams. Oh, yeah. Sweet yams. Sweet yams are so good. It looks like a drug den. Tastes like heaven.

Should be their marketing slogan. It should. It should. It looked like a rundown shack, but the food was really, really good. And it's made by like this little tiny white girl in her shack. And she's like, don't worry, I'll make you something good. Yeah, like she legit. I love you.

It's like a kitchen attached to a porch. Yes. And that's it. And the porch has the fridge outside. Yeah. So when she has to go get refrigerated ingredients, she has to go out to the porch where you're all sitting to get her ingredients. How y'all doing? We're like, pretty good.

Just waiting for the food. She's like, how y'all doing? We're like, pretty good. Just waiting for the food. She's like, okay. Yeah, we got like rice bowls with salad and shrimp. Yep. And then we split mac and cheese and we all got little cupcake things. It was delicious. Yeah. And then the Uber driver picked us up and he was just like, they're growing shit here.

Yes, because it's all organic, sir. Yes. Yes, because it's all organic, sir. Yes. Yes, sir. And I looked it up. Apparently, it has like four and a half stars on Yelp. And all the reviews are like, this place is great. Yeah, so if you're in San Antonio. If you're up for an adventure, go there.

And order the po' boy because I couldn't get it because they were out of the bread. Everywhere we went, they were out of it. Look, San Antonio, if you're going to have another convention, get your shit together. Yes, Chicago wouldn't run out of their things. Everything was run out of. Everywhere we went, they're like, sorry, we're out of look san antonio if you're gonna have another convention get your shit together yes chicago wouldn't run out of their things everything was run out of everywhere we went there like sorry we're out of that everywhere really unbelievable that town was not prepared not prepared but fine i had a good time i had a good time i know it was fun i enjoyed it next time by the way if you want to see the panel uh I believe it's on the twitch.tv slash packs page. And it's like a two hours, 17 minutes or whatever of the.

It's also like if you look on YouTube hard enough. Oh, is it there now? Yeah, I've seen people like upload it. Yeah. So go watch it. It's good. Everyone seemed to love it. Even people who were like, I hate those guys loved it.

Apparently during the stream, people were like, who are these idiots? Turns out they stayed and watched, and we had the second most viewed stream, if not the most viewed stream of the entire convention. I think number one was Guild Wars with like 90,000, but it's Guild Wars. Yeah, that's Guild Wars. Yeah, but we had the best non-Giant Company game. I mean, we even beat Giant Company's Gearbox. They came out and talked about the third Borderlands.

We destroyed that. Yeah, take that, Gear came out and talked about the third Borderlands. We destroyed that. Yeah, take that, Gearbox. We had 3,000 more viewers. It was great. So I will simply say PAX East is going to be killer. It is. It's going to be killer.

I'm excited now. Yeah, it's going to be a lot of fun. And it's much bigger. Krendor, your mind's going to explode. It's huge. It's going to explode. It's huge. Yeah, brace yourself. Brace yourself. It's 10 times bigger. I don explode? It's huge. Yeah. Brace yourself. Brace yourself.

It's ten times bigger. I don't know. The room they gave us, it doesn't – I think it's like the Bumblebee room. That doesn't sound like a big room. The Bumblebee room? That doesn't sound like a big room, but I feel like playing the song Bumblebee Tuna when we come out. Oh, yeah. Yum, yum, bumblebee, bumblebee, tuna.

I like bumblebee, bumblebee, tuna. Yeah. Bumblebee.. Bumblebee. Yep. Just the girls. Yum, yum, bumblebee. Yeah, that was a great song, and I want to play that when we come out. The bumblebee room is where we'll be at, and I think we're doing it Saturday at 6 p.m.

So we're like the last one of the day, which is great. We're going to eat dinner. That's a perfect thing. Everyone's going to be so hungry. We're going to eat dinner. Yeah. You know what we're going to get? We're going to get food from – we're going to get clam chowder.

Oh, yeah. And some type of bread and like some crazy fish or something. Oh, it's going to be good. It's going to be good. I can't wait. Oh, my God. I'm so excited now. Me too.

Half the reason I like going to these things now is just eating the food. See? That's why – you can stick with me. We're going to go to that one restaurant that's the oldest restaurant in the United States. Oh, yeah. We gotta go. I mean, we gotta go. Every time we've gone there, it's ended up with us being drunk, hitting on an old, like, 90-year-old waitress

as we're like, hey, baby, bring us some more cornbread. She's like, oh, you sweethearts! Oh, sweetheart, I got you cornbread in the back. Love it. Love it. So we're very excited. Also, either you, one of the nerds, or someone on the plane got me sick again.

I mean, it could have been me. I told everyone I was sick. I told everyone I was sick. Yep. So now, right after I fought off this cold, PAX was like the best I felt in a month. I was like, I'm feeling great. And now I'm like, well, back to this again. Yep.

Have fun. Mm-hmm. I'm getting over what I had. So I'm okay. I'm a little stuffy. I'm already to the coughing stage. I'm a little stuffy. See, there's my cough.

Yeah. I still got it. I still got it. That was like a Boston. There's my cough. There's my cough. I'm getting ready for Boston. I'm so excited.

So that's like a month and a half. That's the beginning of March. I'm getting ready for Boston. I'm so excited. So that's like a month and a half. That's the beginning of March. I was flying JetBlue. I've never flown JetBlue, but everyone said it's better than United. I'm flying Virgin LA to Boston. I'm so excited. They don't do Chicago to Boston. Apparently, all the LA flights that go to the east are like, or all the west coast places go east, but no east places can like go east i don't know

what you said okay so like you can go from chicago to la to boston but you can't go from chicago to boston yes you could also go uh when i flew to atlanta unless it was on united i would have had to go from uh la to north carolina north carolina to atlanta if i wanted to go to at to North Carolina, North Carolina to Atlanta if I wanted to go to Atlanta, Georgia. Right? Even Texas. I had to fly United to Texas because it was, I would have to go from LA to Atlanta, Atlanta to Texas. Like, it makes no sense.

It makes no sense. So dumb. But Towley and I think JP were like, dude, take JetBlue. So I was like, all right. JetBlue's good. It's like an East Coast thing. I used to take it all the time between NYC and Buffalo when I went to school in Buffalo. Oh.

And so it was like, it was a really cheap flight. It was like 90 bucks both ways. And they got like TV screens and stuff. It looks like it's the same price as united but less shitty yeah yeah jet blue is really cool i like those guys a lot the reason why jet blue used to be good is because back when airplane flying was a like it's gotten a little bit better but it used to be a massive pain yeah uh they were the ones who were like yeah no the flight's like 52 bucks and we'll give you like a drink and a snack just for showing up and bring your bag.

Sure. Why not? I was like, this is great. People are just like, whoa, are you serious? You got to get a snack? It was a good snack too. You got like special cookies. Look, man, that was my jam when I lived in New York.

Get blue, man. And then I found Virgin and now I can't go back. I know. I found Virgin like all the flights and now i'm like man i can't i want virgin again i get disappointed when i go on a plane and we travel a lot so like when i get on a plane and they don't have uh the intro music that that virgin has yeah before you take off i'm disappointed i know i love i love that like that little song and dance number they do before the the you take off yeah it's so great they even used to love that little song and dance number they do before you take off.

It's so great. They even used to have that little thing where he's like, if you've never used a seatbelt before, you can do this. It's like, it's always fun. Yeah, that's in this one. It's like, you know, 1% of you have never used a seatbelt before. That's how you do it. I'm like, ah, I get it

because people are dumb. Oh my God. So we went out to eat tonight in this one place. And there are these this table next to us with these southern people. And this guy comes in in a cowboy hat. And he's like, well, I'll tell you, traffic out there has been crazy, man. And then his like wifers, someone was just like, if I had a laser gun, I'd zap them all. And I was like, what?

Here's the thing. I feel like if that was a Chicago accent, you would have been like, yeah, I agree. That's true. They felt like they just didn't belong. He even brought up Houston. I was like, you don't belong here. Well, that's like us in San Antonio, though. Yeah, but they don't belong here.

All right, there you go. Like, he just needed to be like, hey, don't want to wish I had a laser gun to shoot some of these assholes. Be like, yeah, man. Wish I had a laser gun of my own. Yeah, man. Probably shoot it at the Bears front management office. Make them do some smart decisions.

You beat balls. Stupid. Just do PAX North. PAX Midwest. Yeah, PAX Midwest would be great. Be great. Be great. I'd go there, and I mean, I would have my dinners planned every night. First night, Chicago dogs.

Second night, pizza. Third night, Ditka's done. Oh, my God. There's an awesome Chicago hot dog place where, like, fries on the hot dog and they wrap it all together. It's so good. That sounds delicious. It's amazing. And they have a no ketchup sign.

And when people try to put the fry ketchup on the hot dog, everyone shames them. Good. Because you shouldn't put ketchup on hot dogs. Get out of town. Yeah. Get out of town. You New Yorkers. Yeah.

Look, I love New York. I think New York pizza is superior. But New York hot dogs are not. Chicago dogs are the best dogs. Hands down. So it is spoken. It's true. I'm okay with that.

Yeah. I'm a worldly man of American foods. Yeah. Oh, God. You okay there, buddy? No. Good, because now it's time to go jump in the sky with Grendor. Grendor, how's that traffic out there?

Oh, boy. We're looking down on the city of Shabustin. It's a new city that's been formed between Chicago and Boston. It looks like some of the newest residents are Mark. Let's see who else we got in there. Chelsea Ann Mason, Kira, and Madison Marvel. Well, it looks like they're going to be starting out this brand new city. And leading up to that city, you got the I-48, the I-62, the I-159, and the I-10046.

So if you're going to be taking those roads, watch out for the intense traffic trying to get into this brand new city of excellent architecture and population. Back to you. Thanks, Grendor. Now let's go over to the weather desk with Grendor. How's the weather over there? Oh, man, weather.

Well, we need to talk about the snowstorm. Yes, apparently it destroyed places and then didn't destroy others. Yeah. That's what I learned. It was like, New York will be covered by 3,000 feet of snow. And then it was like, oh, it missed New York. And then like Nantucket got like three feet. Yeah.

So some places where they were like, you'll be fine, got screwed. And other places they're like, it'll hit big. Nothing happened. I was watching the Weather Channel on TV, and they were just like, you know, we predicted it pretty right. You know, we were off by a little bit, but everybody was. I was like, what? They showed one guy out in the snow, and he was trying to walk in it.

He was like, this is crazy. He was like, well, obviously. So, here's what I found out. Apparently, our weather satellite infrastructure and supercomputing is old. Really, really old and not up to date.

Europe's, on the other hand, is really high tech. And so, when we use our satellite stuff, we just go to Europe and ask them, like, is this right? Seriously, that's what I found out. Apparently, ours is so lacking

that we have to double check with the European satellite imaging just to make sure. Radar imaging and stuff. Oh, God. Because, and here's what they say, ours is very good at detecting intensity. Theirs is very good at detecting location.

Oh. So that's why we knew, like, how much there was going to be. We just didn't know who was going to get hit with it. Yeah. So they're like, yeah, no, we know. Yeah, which is stupid. I feel like, shouldn't we be able to come up with a computer that does both? You would think so. You would think so.

You would think so. But apparently it requires supercomputers to figure that stuff out. You know who's better at figuring it out? It's Woppy the Weather Bot. Uh-huh. What's Woppy say? Isn't that right, Woppy? It is going to snow in Boston.

Thanks, Woppy. He knows. He knows. He didn't say when. He didn't say how much. He just knows that's how you predict things. Yeah, and he's never wrong. He's never been wrong.

Never been wrong. Yep. Thanks, Woppy. So, all right. I guess that's the weather. That's the weather. Sports. Big weekend.

Big weekend. Big weekend. It's going to be a Super Bowl. Apparently, Katy Perry's going to be performing. Katy Perry, let me just say, for the record, has never given a good live performance. Never.

I have never seen a live Katy Perry performance where I've been like, damn, that's inspired me as much as her songs. Never. Five new Katy Perry Super Bowl halftime reveals. There will probably be some pre-recorded vocals. Of course. Lenny Kravitz isn't her only special guest.

Obviously. She's done her Super Bowl homework. Uh-huh. Her ensemble will include animals. Uh-huh. And don't expect a prepackaged version of the Prismatic World Tour. I don't know what that means. Uh-huh.

Well, great. So this will be a real entertaining thing. Yeah. But yeah, Katy Perry. Yeah, no, Katy Perry. Also, Marshawn Lynch, the guy who does not talk to the media, has told everyone why he doesn't talk to the media.

Uh-huh, why's that? He said, quote, Y'all shove cameras and microphones down my throat, but when I'm at home in my environment, I don't see y'all, but y'all mad at me. And if you ain't mad at me, then what y'all here for? I ain't got nothing for y'all, though. I told y'all that.

Yep. Certainly did. Yep, that's what he said. Maybe he should have kept quiet a little bit longer. He probably should have. Maybe he should have just been quiet just a little bit longer. Yeah, so big game. I've seen some of the commercials.

Some of the commercials are really, really funny. But most of them, 99% of them are stupid. Yeah, as usual. As usual. And I will simply say, my favorite commercial is the Divergent trailer. And I will simply say My favorite commercial Is the Divergent trailer If you haven't seen the Super Bowl Divergent trailer

For Insurgent Just Guys Guys let me describe it to you Our heroine from the first movie Is like chained up like in the Matrix In like those wires out the back of her neck And stuff in a glass room

And she sees the bad guy from the first movie Like studying her And then she like Bursts out of the glass And hits this woman out the back of her neck and stuff in a glass room. And she sees the bad guy from the first movie like studying her. And then she like bursts out of the glass and hits this woman. And then the woman shatters into a million pieces. And then the world proceeds to shatter into a million pieces as she flies to the ground and the earth shatters into a million pieces.

And then it's like, she is the one. It's basically the Matrix now. Yeah, basically. It's, it's, they took Harry Potter and Hunger Games and then now added the Matrix. Sure, whatever. I'm in. Grendel and I are in. You've already sold us.

At Target, I thought it was a trilogy. And then there's a book at Target called Four. And it said our choice will free him. But according to Olivia Chesser on the Twitter, she said it's the prequel that just so happens to be the fourth book released, but it's about the character who's named Four. What? So they literally made a fourth book to a trilogy about a character, and it's, yeah. A character named Four? It's a prequel.

Do we know this character from, look, I don't remember any of of the characters names I don't either I don't even remember the main girl I remember there's main girl Yeah Fault in our stars girl Yeah Main guy who's too old for her but they still banged each other Yeah Lenny Kravitz's daughter I think

Yes Who's still alive Asshole kid Who's basically dark haired Malfoy Yes And then Let's see, then there's that rapper guy. Oh, yeah, rapper guy.

Yeah. What's his face? Macklemore. Evil Macklemore. Yeah, Evil Macklemore. Evil Macklemore. And then Titanic Lady. Yeah.

That's really all the characters in the movie. That is all the characters. And apparently Evil Macklemore's back in the next one. I'm so excited. I feel like he's going to have a heart of gold. No, Evil McElmore has to be like the supervillain. I don't know. I feel like he's going to come through in the end.

I bet he kills the lady. He's like, I'm Evil McElmore. I don't know. He might be like Snape. No way. He's Evil McElmore. No, but she's basing all these things off like Harry Potter, right? Like it's practically Harry Potter.

In the end, bad douchey Malfoy is going to be the friend, the hero. Oh, yeah, you're right. He's going to sacrifice himself for them. Man. Because it's also Hunger Games-y. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. So, yeah, that.

As you can tell, we are very excited. Yeah, very excited. I'm going to see this in the theaters. I am too. We're going to make a whole podcast devoted to Insurgent. You better go watch it. You better. Oh, yeah, and Fifty Shades of Grey is going to come out soon.

I don't know that I can go see that movie without feeling weird. I don't know. I just want to see the people that are there watching it. But I feel like all the people there. I'll go to a matinee on, like, a Monday afternoon because I bet there's a lot of single ladies in there. Yeah. That's the Jesse Cox strategy.

I'll show up in a suit and be like, hello, ladies, I'm here to watch a movie. Or make one. Bow, bow, bow, bow. Yeah. Yeah. I'm here to watch a movie Or make one Yeah Yeah I guess that's sports That's sports What is our big news story of the day?

Big news story of the day Is That I could not find one In time So Better find one not find one in time. So. Better find one. Better find one.

Students forced to undergo poop inspections. I'm sorry, what? Texas elementary students forced to undergo poop inspections. I mean, that sounds like a great story. That does. All right. What officials at an elementary school in Gustine, Texas, kept finding poop on the floor, the gym floor. Wait, what?

Yes. Okay. They decided to get to the bottom of it, but their method of investigation has parents and students raising a stink. Are they trying to match DNA, poop DNA? I think they are. Oh, my God. I think they are. Oh my god.

So on Monday, it rounded up 24 students, divided them up by gender, and the kids were ordered to pull down their pants far enough so educators could see if there were any telltale fecal stains. What? Eliza Medina 11 was embarrassed by the poop inspection. I felt uncomfortable and I didn't want to do it. I felt like they violated my privacy. Wait, what? They just made little kids strip down?

What? Like, I thought it was going to be like, we're going to test your poop versus the poop that's on the ground. This is, like, way worse. This is a lot worse. What? Yeah, like, I was furious. I mean, I was furious. Medina said, if you can't do your job or don't know what you're doing, you need to be fired.

You shouldn't be here. Hell, like, what's, you find poop on the floor, but like, then you're like, let's strip the kids. Like, what? How often has the poop been there? I don't know. They don't say. Was it a one-time poop? Because if it's a one-time poop, you just let that poop go.

You say, you know what? It could have been an animal, right? An animal could have gotten in here and you let the kids have their dignity right oh an animal got in here yeah weird poop on the ground i remember in grade school some one of the kids brothers like pooped in the stall but like he like pooped on the side of the stall and everyone was like oh man but like he got suspended or something but like everyone's like whatever you know we didn't have to do inspections all i'm saying is you just let it go just let it go let it let the but if it's a multiple pooping then you have to look into it right yeah because someone's doing it out of spite that's like a serial pooping yeah here's the thing though if i'm a serial poopist i wipe my ass when i'm done yeah i poop on the ground then i run to the

bathroom wipe my ass no evidence yeah it's that hard. It's not hard at all. So why are they looking for poop stains on kids' butts? I don't even know. Plus... What kind of kid has got a poop stain on his butt anyway? And like... Let me guess, they didn't find anyone. They did not find anyone. Of course not. They hope to have the investigation wrapped up

by Thursday's school board meeting. And what are they going to say? Like, well, we de-pantsed all your kids. We've determined that we still don't know. And after looking at all their butts, we've determined we don't know who the serial pooper is. Of course not, because he's smarter than you. Yeah.

And let's be clear, this is a he. And it's probably, like, one of the teachers. Oh, obviously. It's probably Mr. Jenkins. Tired of everyone's shit. He's like, damn kids, I'll show them. He probably got deep pantsed by some kids. Yep.

They probably deep pantsed him in class in front of all the other kids, and they all laughed at him. Yep. That's what happens when you deep pants Mr. Jenkins. And now he's like, I'll show you damn kids. They got to dig through that poop, find out what's in it. If it's corn and important things, nutrients, it's an adult. If it's Cheetos and Funyuns, it's a kid. Yeah. Facts.

Facts. We're helping. We're helping at this point. By the way, I have to bring up the book. Which book is this? Well, I know half our panel was like about the book, so I felt like I needed to bring up the book. What book? Both books. Well, there's the advice book. A lot of people want to know about the advice book.

We give advice, and we don't know what we're going to call it yet, but you should submit your questions to us so we can answer them. Then there's my book, which I thought we talked about, but it turns out that podcast didn't go up. But now everybody from the panel knows about my book and on the stream. So now I feel like I need to discuss my book. You did discuss your book. I did discuss my book. You totally did your book. I did discuss my book.

You totally did. Everyone's heard about your book. No, they didn't. That podcast didn't go up. I know. All right, I'm just saying people know about your book. They don't know my book.

Your book's basically divergent. It's not divergent. It's like Harry Potter and Game of Thrones. There's no divergent in that. Whatever. Look, if it's Harry Potter and Game of Thrones, you're basically saying that, like, a bunch

of kids get super naked, do it, and kill each other. But they don't, so it's not like it. So what do you like? It's like its own creation, in which there's three factions, right? Yeah. There's three factions. We've said this before. We've done it, but it didn't go up.

I promise you. I swear on the Starbucks Reserve exotic, rare, and exquisite coffee. Uh-huh. All right. Well, let's see. Look, I'm going to sit back, sip on this chlorophyll water. Okay. Let you do your thing.

Talk away. No, it's on you. It's on you. All right. Hello, everyone. I am going to talk about my book. First off, it is a book for the ages. It does not have a title.

It is about three factions. One of them is a wizard magic faction. The other one is a barbaric faction, but they're not all barbarians. And the third one is like an elfish faction, but they're not elves, they're humans. And they're not real. None of what you said so far makes sense. Okay, so, you have the three of them, and they find

that there's this, this mineral like, in the land, kinda like how, when humans discovered oil, they're like, there's oil in there, and they all went crazy, or like, the gold rush. They find this crazy mineral, but the wizards find it first, they're like, yo, we gotta get this before the other people find out. But the other people

find out, they're like, they're doing something over there, but we don't know what they're doing. So then, this big, like, thing comes together in the middle, and they all fight over this mineral. But the wizard people have gotten to it already. So it's like, what's gonna happen? Like, crazy shit starts happening. And then it leads to just this giant war, and all this stuff happens. It's crazy. The only thing crazy about that book is you.

Listen. Uh-huh. It's gonna be a great book. It's gonna sell out. Strongly disappointed. It's gonna sell out. It's a great book. I will be the first review and my review will be like, Dear Amazon, what the hell?

That's it. That's all right. Five stars. Five stars. Five stars. Oh, yeah. Five stars. Yeah. But I'll be like, I don't. This is the worst trash I've ever read.

Whatever. Listen, it's going to have Slabigan in it. Who the hell's Slabigan? We talked about him. I don't know. I don't know what that is. I don't know, but I wrote it in a notepad because you said Slabagan would be a great name in a book, and so I wrote it down. Oh, well, if I said it, then it must be true.

Yeah. Slabagan. Slabagan. Slabagan Morgath. Yeah. See? There you go. There you go.

And then. Give me characters. I'll give you names. Go. Young Wizard. Fildrick Nickelbottom. Old Wizard. Arkenoff Vagrith.

Barbaric Short Guy. Thud. Barbaric Leader. Oh, man, this guy has to have a good name. Like, uh... Yeah. Brawn Ravenhands. Uh, a spy that's an elf-like spy.

Ooh, Nero Quickblade. Yeah! Yeah. I'm so good at this. A backstabbing, an old backstabbing wizard. What kind of magic does he use? He uses, it's just one kind of magic does he use? He uses It's just one type of magic

They all have But he's a backstabbing douchebag Okay, let's name him Uh Oh Feral Tomley Feral Tomley See, it doesn't sound like a backstabbing, but he will

That's a good point Right That's a good point. Right? That's a good point. Thank you. And then the last one, an old seaside worker, like an old shipman. Oh, his name needs to be like, oh, man, what's a good sea name? Yeah.

Fishman. Fishman. Fishman. It's the old Fishman. That's what I came up with. It's like, who'd you talk to? This old Fishman. Fishman. Be like, no, really, who'd you talk to?

Yeah, Fishman. He says his name's Fishman. There we go. New York Times bestseller. Uh-huh. Perfect. Perfect. That's the start of my book. Yep. All right. Well, I guess that's it. We're done. Thank you, everybody, for listening. And as always, to be continued.